Dawn of Shadows

There are two main kinds of historical fiction that are popular these days, really three if you count the ones that are basically just romantic tales set in the past. But of the ones that tell a detailed story, the first type is like Guns of the South where an alien/time traveler/monster somehow upsets the timeline. And then there are the real masterpieces where the author takes their time to research every detail before pen meets paper.

Dawn of Shadows is the latter type of book. Author Jack Hughes has used so much historical detail that you will wonder if events in the book really happened. In fact, you may wonder if they did actually happen and the author is trying to slip a historical documentary past us as fiction.

Characterization is very strong. The character of Hugh de Payens is realistic and readers can totally believe him as the head of the Knights Templar. His actions follow a logical pattern and nothing he says or does seems out of place. He flows along with the story.

Dawn of Shadows is a joy to read for fans of historical fiction, or anyone who enjoys a great tale. Six stars and highly recommended from me.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

Dear Jack, It sometimes takes another writer to lead another to a great book. And I don't care that you supported my work. This is too good to be on this site. Written with the professional hand of a seasoned writer. Your story justifies the struggle of great men. How you managed to capture the nuance of another time, was quite remarkable, your flow, fluency and passion were a prize in itself. But then to be treated to such a recherche of forsaken characters, that you so convincingly pay homage too. This is a terrific example of a writer at work, with no thought to anything else than the authenticity of his story. Too good to go unseen. Prove us wrong HC, and publish a piece of work that will reverberate for generations to come. Best wishes and good luck with your book Jack. [ If at all possible! Could I purchase a copy ], I am a collector of fine literature, and your book is firmly among one of my best. Take care, Cicuta, [ Carl, Arcane ].

Dear Jack

This is a masterclass in how to write historical fiction. The reader is totally immersed in the period and your writing drips with drama and authenticity. The attention to detail is stupendous and as my own book is partly set in Jerusalem two generations later your book is a brilliant source material (although I promise to avoid direct plagiarism). Middle aged Hugh de Payens is a convincing MC. He is disillusioned with his role in life, and is a 'burnt out' professional killer. The scenes of violence are very effective. Rather like sex scenes only a very skilled writer can manage these effectively. Your various descriptions of the way that sword blades and arrows and other weapons interact with flesh and bone are as good as any I have ever read.No cliches or superficiality here. Your command of the politics and the geography and the religious factions of the time are entirely convincing. The early atmospheric and genuinely frightening scene in the woods and the appearance of the harbinger sets a remarkably high standard. The effect you create reminded me of some of the best of ME James. This epic story of these warrior monks, drawn from the famous Frankish families of Lusignan, de Hauteville, Tancerville etc. never flags and your changes of scene from France to the Holy Land, of character from Knight to Priest to Muslim warrior and cleric are seamless. Hugh, Bernard of Clairvaux and all the other real characters of the period are treated with appropriate respect and I enjoyed this from start to finish. My suggestion for improvement would be that the thread of the plot regarding ancient documents, relics and hidden secrets protected by supernatural beings is at times difficult to follow over such a long narrative. After the first appearance of the harbinger it is another six chapters before Samuel explains his impression of what may have happened on that terrifying night.With so many characters and subplots it is at present a book for the aficionado's of the genre. It should probably remain so but to appeal to a wider audience some of the complexity and subplots and lesser characters could be thinned out to concentrate on the main storyline as outlined in the pitch. But for one of the aforementioned lovers of the genre such as myself this is a six star treat.

regards

Brian

Compelling read. Love this subject matter, and you do it justice. Fine writing, all the necessary mechanics handled with deftness. Backed, and very much looking forward to reading the rest. Sending the link to another Templar author I know.

ps - good cover, too

What a great thriller! And the time and location are perfect...sometimes I get annoyed when the references to people and places in France are wrong, but this is flawless, flowing like a river through a vivid reconstruction of the life and feelings of the times, as if the reader was actually there. Thoroughly researched, gripping, wonderful. I am happy to back it!

Wonderful feedback Cara, very helpful advice too. I based my style on Bernard Cornwell, hence the reason for the short opening line, which he used in Harlequin. Getting the opening line right is probably one of the biggest challenges any author will face. If it works it will be remembered for ages, if it doesn't work, then the book probably won't even make it into print. I will look at splitting some of those sentences, I'm sure they can be made a bit more useful.

Thank you very much, my friend, I really appreciate the advice.

Best of luck

Jack

This has been a fabulous read so far. The writing is polished, and the words read effortlessly off the page. You paint vivid images with some nice original touches; ‘The evening sky was a fiery tangerine gold, speckled with hazy cloud, studded with the more brazened of stars.’ Skilful command of dialogue - not too much, not too little - creating a lovely balance to this work. Plot is unfurling nicely and there is depth to your detail - without the reader being overburdened by information.

The opening to chapter 1 was especially catchy; short, mysterious… Loved the first two lines and the repetition of ‘the shadows’, which helped pull the reader in.

In short:
A book that should be on the shelves already.

…
Cara
The Awakening: Dawn of Destruction
…

Dear Jack!
--- I’ve made some more detailed comments for the first chapter. I see you’re about to self-publish so just got a few little details I’d thought I’d bring up. None of these things are problematic with the manuscript; more just suggestions so feel free to take or leave anything! Hope it helps :) and all the best!! ---

I wonder about removing the whole line ‘The quest….’ To make it more mysterious, and plunge straight into the story? So the reader doesn’t feel like there is a ‘double intro’. Something like this line could go in a pitch or blurb.

Sentence ‘Those too meek…’
I’d split so it reads; ‘Those too meek to cope with the brutality…. cloister; honing their logic until it became deadlier than any blade. He admired them for it, but after a year in their company, knew more keenly than ever that he was not one of them.’

Para ‘Far away the bell…’ the second sentence ‘Then by a flurry of blackbirds…’ for me reads slightly confusing, because although you imply that they are answering the bell, I don’t think it is clear enough. What about: ‘…. answered in moments by the bells in the surrounding abbeys and churches. Then came a flurry of blackbirds, startled by the din, who scattered in fright from the thicket beside the road.’

Para ‘Barely visible in the twilight…’ I would split in half after the sentence ending ‘just a black featureless chasm.’
If you did a new line here, and began next sentence ‘Then the gruesome entity…’ you can heighten the tension. Having the structural break makes the reader pause… and tumble on into the next sentence. ‘Then’ is also more active than ‘soon’, which for me diluted the impact of what was going on.

Para ‘The more he looked around the silent battlefield…’ In that sentence I’d eliminate the second comma before ‘became clear’. It is not needed, I don’t think, and sort of awkwardly breaks up the sentence.

Para ‘The usual routines of work…’ I’d split after ‘face of the dead man’.
Then I’d write, ‘Men of God spent their lives preparing for death. It was not something they feared.’
Then new para ‘But this was different.’
New para, ‘What the Catalan had seen…’
With the effect of building up the mood, and emphasising how horrific it was.

Good finish to chapter : )

All the best!
Cara

This has been a fabulous read so far. The writing is polished, and the words read effortlessly off the page. You paint vivid images with some nice original touches; ‘The evening sky was a fiery tangerine gold, speckled with hazy cloud, studded with the more brazened of stars.’ Skilful command of dialogue - not too much, not too little - creating a lovely balance to this work. Plot is unfurling nicely and there is depth to your detail - without the reader being overburdened by information.

The opening to chapter 1 was especially catchy; short, mysterious… Loved the first two lines and the repetition of ‘the shadows’, which helped pull the reader in.

In short:
A book that should be on the shelves already.

…
Cara
The Awakening: Dawn of Destruction
…

Dear Jack!
--- I’ve made some more detailed comments for the first chapter. I see you’re about to self-publish so just got a few little details I’d thought I’d bring up. None of these things are problematic with the manuscript; more just suggestions so feel free to take or leave anything! Hope it helps :) and all the best!! ---

I wonder about removing the whole line ‘The quest….’ To make it more mysterious, and plunge straight into the story? So the reader doesn’t feel like there is a ‘double intro’. Something like this line could go in a pitch or blurb.

Sentence ‘Those too meek…’
I’d split so it reads; ‘Those too meek to cope with the brutality…. cloister; honing their logic until it became deadlier than any blade. He admired them for it, but after a year in their company, knew more keenly than ever that he was not one of them.’

Para ‘Far away the bell…’ the second sentence ‘Then by a flurry of blackbirds…’ for me reads slightly confusing, because although you imply that they are answering the bell, I don’t think it is clear enough. What about: ‘…. answered in moments by the bells in the surrounding abbeys and churches. Then came a flurry of blackbirds, startled by the din, who scattered in fright from the thicket beside the road.’

Para ‘Barely visible in the twilight…’ I would split in half after the sentence ending ‘just a black featureless chasm.’
If you did a new line here, and began next sentence ‘Then the gruesome entity…’ you can heighten the tension. Having the structural break makes the reader pause… and tumble on into the next sentence. ‘Then’ is also more active than ‘soon’, which for me diluted the impact of what was going on.

Para ‘The more he looked around the silent battlefield…’ In that sentence I’d eliminate the second comma before ‘became clear’. It is not needed, I don’t think, and sort of awkwardly breaks up the sentence.

Para ‘The usual routines of work…’ I’d split after ‘face of the dead man’.
Then I’d write, ‘Men of God spent their lives preparing for death. It was not something they feared.’
Then new para ‘But this was different.’
New para, ‘What the Catalan had seen…’
With the effect of building up the mood, and emphasising how horrific it was.

Good finish to chapter : )

All the best!
Cara

You are both scholar and gentleman, John, thank you very much. I just wish the literary agents of this world were quite as broad-minded. This work has taken me the best part of six years and I'm about to self-publish it. If I gain any success at all with the story, it will be due in no small part to the advice and feedback of the authors and readers on Authonomy. You have been my editors and proof-readers and without your support, I would have given up on writing years ago.

I would love to back every book on here, there are far too many that should already be in print as there are far too many talented and dedicated authors whose names should now be listed in the book charts and I think it is a crime against artistic integrity that they are not.

Thank you once again for your kind words, John, I will add my review of Old Number Seven as soon as I can (I love the title, btw, it always reminds me of a certain brew from down Lynchburg way!).

Best of luck my friend, I hope you do well.

Jack H

There are two main kinds of historical fiction that are popular these days, really three if you count the ones that are basically just romantic tales set in the past. But of the ones that tell a detailed story, the first type is like Guns of the South where an alien/time traveler/monster somehow upsets the timeline. And then there are the real masterpieces where the author takes their time to research every detail before pen meets paper.

Dawn of Shadows is the latter type of book. Author Jack Hughes has used so much historical detail that you will wonder if events in the book really happened. In fact, you may wonder if they did actually happen and the author is trying to slip a historical documentary past us as fiction.

Characterization is very strong. The character of Hugh de Payens is realistic and readers can totally believe him as the head of the Knights Templar. His actions follow a logical pattern and nothing he says or does seems out of place. He flows along with the story.

Dawn of Shadows is a joy to read for fans of historical fiction, or anyone who enjoys a great tale. Six stars and highly recommended from me.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

There are two main kinds of historical fiction that are popular these days, really three if you count the ones that are basically just romantic tales set in the past. But of the ones that tell a detailed story, the first type is like Guns of the South where an alien/time traveler/monster somehow upsets the timeline. And then there are the real masterpieces where the author takes their time to research every detail before pen meets paper.

Dawn of Shadows is the latter type of book. Author Jack Hughes has used so much historical detail that you will wonder if events in the book really happened. In fact, you may wonder if they did actually happen and the author is trying to slip a historical documentary past us as fiction.

Characterization is very strong. The character of Hugh de Payens is realistic and readers can totally believe him as the head of the Knights Templar. His actions follow a logical pattern and nothing he says or does seems out of place. He flows along with the story.

Dawn of Shadows is a joy to read for fans of historical fiction, or anyone who enjoys a great tale. Six stars and highly recommended from me.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

Latest update. Few alterations to the opening chapter, hopefully demonstrating how much I've learned from Authonomy over the last two years. Here's hoping it will now make the hot 100!

Enjoy!

Jack

Thank you Paul, that's very kind. It's been a real labour of love but I think its finally getting there.

Best of luck,

Jack

Jack
A gem of a book and one of the best I have seen on Authonomy. Historical Fiction at its most masterful. I have backed with pleasure.
Paul
"Dead Moon Rising"

Jack
A gem of a book and one of the best I have seen on Authonomy. Historical Fiction at its most masterful. I have backed with pleasure.
Paul
"Dead Moon Rising"

I read the first two chapters and so far this is a great story. Your book is convincing and couples just the right amount of research with fantastic fiction. You have a great gift for imagery and I was quickly pulled into the world you created. Your characters come alive in your dialogue and you have a voice that makes for a smooth enjoyable read. I would like to say I found something to critique but frankly I can’t find anything wrong. This is a great read, thanks. High stars!

Great writing my friend so far. Historical references and atmosphere are truly strong with exceptional believable dialogue between characters. I'll enjoy reading on.

Could you in kind, read some of my novel, "The Devil Of Black Bayou" and give me review as well. I'm using two popular gendre's to examine historical perspectives of humanity in Louisiana and my beloved bayou country. I look forward to continuing my read of "Dawn of Shadows".

Well there we are. The most up to date version of this story and the one that will soon be on its way. And with the current fiction editor at HC a devotee of historical and literary fiction (according to Bookseller), maybe there is just a slim chance...?

I just want to thank everyone at Authonomy who has been supporting DoS, your input and support over the last couple of years has been priceless.

Best of luck, I hope your stories do well.

Jack Hughes

I hope so my friend. It's been a long time in the making. Glad you liked, thanks for the support.

Jack

This is the first book I read on Authonomy. Boy, was I lucky finding this one. Entertaining, well-written, exciting. Couldn't ask for more. Good luck with the lit agents. I suspect Dawn of Shadows will make it big.

Editman

This is the first book I read on Authonomy. Boy, was I lucky finding this one. Entertaining, well-written, exciting. Couldn't ask for more. Good luck with the lit agents. I suspect Dawn of Shadows will make it big.

Editman

This is the last edit before I send it back to the literary agents. After that, it goes on the back-burner again while I write something else. Thanks for the support everyone, hope you enjoy.

Jack

Few modifications here and there, thanks to the advice of a very considerate and agreeable agent (who knows who they are but shall remain nameless!). Thank you everyone on Authonomy who has helped me with this, your comments, your support and your help have meant a great deal to me. More than that, you've helped to restore my faith and to enjoy writing again. When this does go into publication, it will be in no small part thanks to Authonomy.

Thank you everyone, hope you enjoy.

Jack

Wow! Thank you! Dawn of Shadows is the culmination of 'several' years of rewrites and redrafts and it has been rejected by 'several' agents but I think it is now starting to come together. No doubt the later chapters will also have their share of edits once Shadow of Winter is up and running, but thank you so much for reading, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Very best of luck to you,

Jack

A stunningly impressive tapestry of characters and landscapes, and a most convincing explanation of the secrets of the Grail. Your research is formidable - I am no expert, but once worked on a play about two Franciscan friars making the pilgrimage to Jerusalem in the footsteps of Francis. Your story describes perfectly the religious rivalry, the subtle plotting, and the sheer humanity of man, whether knight or monk. I was reminded of 'The Name of the Rose' as you cunningly tempt us with fragments and clues. Thank you for such enjoyable education!! Yours, Pan.

A stunningly impressive tapestry of characters and landscapes, and a most convincing explanation of the secrets of the Grail. Your research is formidable - I am no expert, but once worked on a play about two Franciscan friars making the pilgrimage to Jerusalem in the footsteps of Francis. Your story describes perfectly the religious rivalry, the subtle plotting, and the sheer humanity of man, whether knight or monk. I was reminded of 'The Name of the Rose' as you cunningly tempt us with fragments and clues. Thank you for such enjoyable education!! Yours, Pan.

A great and esteemed pleasure, Aprille, thank you.

Jack


I liked this; a lot. You have a real way of describing historical detail, it really sucked me in. This is going on my bookshelf, and well deserves its place there.

Nice work, my friend! You've impressed me.

Aprille

Thanks Bill. Yes, Dawn is still a little rough around the edges in places but I'm busy working on Shadow of Winter at the moment and can't give much time to it. Thanks for reading anyway, hope you enjoyed it.

Jack

This is well written. The descriptions are great especially of the faceless 'man' on the path. Yikes.

I also loved this line - -like a pike through the murky water of a lake., ----great visual. check punctuation at the end of it. (.,)

Something is slightly off for me in the sentence that starts -- "The dark haired girl he saw . . ." I read it several times, it may be missing a word . I trip on "over the Aube the day before was"

You might reread this sentence. I'm not sure about the semicolon and the two "appearings" makes me think there was an edit gone awry. "The monks at Citeaux called him the Roman comet; appearing . . . "

Best,

Bill
MARGARET ETHEL g.a.

This is well written. The descriptions are great especially of the faceless 'man' on the path. Yikes.

I also loved this line - -like a pike through the murky water of a lake., ----great visual. check punctuation at the end of it. (.,)

Something is slightly off for me in the sentence that starts -- "The dark haired girl he saw . . ." I read it several times, it may be missing a word . I trip on "over the Aube the day before was"

You might reread this sentence. I'm not sure about the semicolon and the two "appearings" makes me think there was an edit gone awry. "The monks at Citeaux called him the Roman comet; appearing . . . "

Best,

Bill
MARGARET ETHEL g.a.

Jack,

I liked this; a lot. You have a real way of describing historical detail, it really sucked me in. This is going on my bookshelf, and well deserves its place there.

Nice work, my friend! You've impressed me.

Aprille

That's very kind of you, Fran, thank you very much. I'm correcting typos in Dawn of Shadows when I can but I'm trying to get Shadow of Winter ready for submission, so I've not got much time at the moment. Thank you for reading.

Jack

Dear Jack

I have read chapter one and the best part of chapter two of your rollicking tale, "Dawn of Shadows".

You write well, deftly weaving a world what it credible, exciting and engrossing. I am very keen to read on, and it is only shortage of time this morning that is stopping me - what a pity. I would love to have a copy of your book so that I could read it slowly.

There are very few typos. There is scope for some careful editing, but that is all I could say and this is a small matter.

All the best!

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-)

Thank you Natasha, I'll correct it as soon as I can. Hope you're enjoying the story.

Jack

Ch 4 As others have said, the author has created an authentic, picture of this historic period and has drawn a credible portrait of the character, Hugh.

Two typos:'Most times, Hugh would have asked his hurry was, made a joke...'
Should be: Most times, Hugh would have asked what his hurry was...'

Ch 4 As others have said, the author has created an authentic, picture of this historic period and has drawn a credible portrait of the character, Hugh.

Two typos:'Most times, Hugh would have asked his hurry was, made a joke...'
Should be: Most times, Hugh would have asked what his hurry was...'

Ch 3 The writing is reminiscient of Eco Umberto, 'The Name of the Rose', very skilled writing for this time period. The author has a nice poetic way with his words and the reader feels they have immediately fallen into a labyrinth of mystery and intrigue.
A few typos or missing words: "Where they connected at all?" Should read: "Were they connected at all?"
and 'Stood before him was not some...' probably should read: 'The man who stood before him..." There might be one or two other such errors but they are not noticeable.

Dear Jack

I have read chapter one and the best part of chapter two of your rollicking tale, "Dawn of Shadows".

You write well, deftly weaving a world what it credible, exciting and engrossing. I am very keen to read on, and it is only shortage of time this morning that is stopping me - what a pity. I would love to have a copy of your book so that I could read it slowly.

There are very few typos. There is scope for some careful editing, but that is all I could say and this is a small matter.

All the best!

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-)

Hello Natasha. One of the first things I can remember from English grammer lessons at school was to never start a sentence with a conjuction. Then I opened a book and what was the first thing I saw? That's right, conjunctions everywhere. We talked about it a lot on my MA course but, as usual in university, none of us could find a conclusive answer and I think it has become a real can of worms over the years, with lots of authors taking one side or the other. Generally it comes down to a question of perspective. The art of expression, however it rallies against convention, is to convey ambience, pace or emotional ambiguity, sometimes at the expense of grammatical correctness, but one might also ask if the heart of the story is what is being said or the way it is being told? I think this is a debate that will go on for quite some time!!

Thank you so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed it.

Jack

Ch 2 Excellent second chapter. Others should take a lesson in how this is writtten. The author manages to capture the true flavor of this historic time. BTW using 'And' at the beginning of a sentence is a grammatical 'no' 'no'. And one should not do it. Read on reader.....

Ch 2 Excellent second chapter. Others should take a lesson in how this is writtten. The author manages to capture the true flavor of this historic time. BTW using 'And' at the beginning of a sentence is a grammatical 'no' 'no'. And one should not do it. Read on reader.....

Ch 1 Just an excellent beginning!

Thanks Neil. Yes, the dialogue was a bit awkward. Medieval and French, not an easy combination to write a convincing dialogue for. I will take another look though, thank you for having a read. The other big problem this story has is the cross-over element. Historical fiction agents are few and far between and seem to be one genre only or not at all. If Geoffrey of Monmouth were alive today and wanted to get an agent for his stories of Merlin and King Arthur, he wouldn't have a hope in hell!

Best of luck, thanks for the read,

Jack

I've just read your opening chapter. Here are my thoughts. Firstly, you've got great pitches - long and short - to the point, full of intrigue, making the reader want to pick up the book and start reading. You've got that killer opening line, too. Like your pitches, if any potential agent or publisher read this, I'm sure it would grab the attention. Your prose from then on is highly polished and assured, the balance struck between your characerization, plot development and dialogue showcase the mark of a true storyteller.

There's only a couple of things - very minor - that I made note of as I was reading. In the sentence 'every joint in his body aching...' I felt ached might be better. And with your dialogue, I liked the way you flavoured it with the odd French expression, but wasn't sure about things like 'It is' rather than 'it's'. As I said, really minor points, but something you might want to look at.

That said, a hugely impressive opening. Happy to give you my backing.

NA 'The Butterfly and the Wheel'

Jack,

I've just read your opening chapter. Here are my thoughts. Firstly, you've got great pitches - long and short - to the point, full of intrigue, making the reader want to pick up the book and start reading. You've got that killer opening line, too. Like your pitches, if any potential agent or publisher read this, I'm sure it would grab the attention. Your prose from then on is highly polished and assured, the balance struck between your characerization, plot development and dialogue showcase the mark of a true storyteller.

There's only a couple of things - very minor - that I made note of as I was reading. In the sentence 'every joint in his body aching...' I felt ached might be better. And with your dialogue, I liked the way you flavoured it with the odd French expression, but wasn't sure about things like 'It is' rather than 'it's'. As I said, really minor points, but something you might want to look at.

That said, a hugely impressive opening. Happy to give you my backing.

NA 'The Butterfly and the Wheel'

Thanks DAwGi. This story is somewhere between commercial and literary and you're right, I think that might be whats been putting the agents off. I've tried to adopt a more commercial style for Shadow of Winter. Writing is all about learning the art of storytelling and I think I've improved since I first started, but even old sea-dogs like me can still learn a few new tricks!

All the best mate, thanks for reading.

Jack

So far I've read Chapter 1. This is a very good read! The writing style sucks me into that period of time and leaves me wanting to read more. There are a few odd errors scattered about, but they do not detract from the story. The only downside I can think of is that this is more of an advanced read. It may be a little more difficult to market initially.

So far I've read Chapter 1. This is a very good read! The writing style sucks me into that period of time and leaves me wanting to read more. There are a few odd errors scattered about, but they do not detract from the story. The only downside I can think of is that this is more of an advanced read. It may be a little more difficult to market initially.

Hi Shelby. Dry in places, yes, but hopeful no more than a vodka martini! Thanks for taking a look, best of luck.

Jack

I read your first chapter, and so far it is well written. I enjoy books with knights in them. So if people like knights this book will catch people's attention.
Some of it had a touch of dryness, but only in a small area. Otherwise things are very good.

Shelby Z.

I read your first chapter, and so far it is well written. I enjoy books with knights in them. So if people like knights this book will catch people's attention.
Some of it had a touch of dryness, but only in a small area. Otherwise things are very good.

Shelby Z.

Hey Jack, I read the first chapter of Dawn of Shadows and was really impressed.

Nice use of all the senses. Right at the beginning you have the sore muscles, the blisters, the foot-balm made from fragrant ingredients. Pulls the reader right in.

'Savoring every word like a slaughter-man butchering calves...' this is great stuff.

The first chapter is nicely packaged. The suspense arc and resolution with Samuel's awkward explanation to Hugo really has a well-rounded feel. I plan to read on.

Dawn of Shadows is good work and I'm going to back it. If you get a chance, I'd love to hear your thoughts on my work.

-Throck

Thanks for spotting that Joe. No I didn't mean to do that, I just wasn't paying attention. Switched off for a moment! All the best with Rupee Millionaire.

Jack

This is marvellous stuff, Jack. Historical fiction at its very finest. Okay, I've got a special interest in the Crusades, so I'm an easy sell, but you've captured the mood of the period perfectly - and have come up with richly-textured characters, along with an instantly engaging plot-line, which hooked me from the start. I particularly liked The Ferret (reminded me of one of my Indian suppliers, lol!) and Brother Hugo's "one last points", though Brother Samuel is a wonderful creation too - drawn into a world of supernatural intrigue by a ghostly assassin in the woods.*

Six stars, needless to say, and will be cheering this to the desk.

Joe Kovacs
Rupee Millionaires

*My eye only stuck in one place, Jack. Did you mean to say the ghostly figure "was right in front of him" three times in quick succession?

This is marvellous stuff, Jack. Historical fiction at its very finest. Okay, I've got a special interest in the Crusades, so I'm an easy sell, but you've captured the mood of the period perfectly - and have come up with richly-textured characters, along with an instantly engaging plot-line, which hooked me from the start. I particularly liked The Ferret (reminded me of one of my Indian suppliers, lol!) and Brother Hugo's "one last points", though Brother Samuel is a wonderful creation too - drawn into a world of supernatural intrigue by a ghostly assassin in the woods.*

Six stars, needless to say, and will be cheering this to the desk.

Joe Kovacs
Rupee Millionaires

*My eye only stuck in one place, Jack. Did you mean to say the ghostly figure "was right in front of him" three times in quick succession?

Thank you so much, you're very kind. This book has had two 'near misses' with agents in an earlier form. I've not approached any of late, maybe I will when the new one is finished.

Best of luck,

Jack

We are fascinated by stories like this; they draw us back to the root of our beings, Chrisitanity, religion, factions and clture. But above all the genius here lies in the poratrayal of life so clearly. Not in a remote manner which is often the case when one construes a past. Your knowledge of the times, beyond that of history books, wider reading and facts is comprehensive. This book ought now be sent to an agent. You'll get it published. I look forward to reading it. Spare a thought for mine. Historical too, and bound up in religious controversy. Mary

We are fascinated by stories like this; they draw us back to the root of our beings, Chrisitanity, religion, factions and clture. But above all the genius here lies in the poratrayal of life so clearly. Not in a remote manner which is often the case when one construes a past. Your knowledge of the times, beyond that of history books, wider reading and facts is comprehensive. This book ought now be sent to an agent. You'll get it published. I look forward to reading it. Spare a thought for mine. Historical too, and bound up in religious controversy. Mary

Wonderful. Thank you for reading it! There are a few bits I still need to iron out. I've learned a lot in recent months and since finishing my MA and Authonomy has certainly helped me in developing a style as, hopefully, will be shown by my new story. I will put the rest of it on here as soon as I can.

Best of luck everyone, keep going.

Jack

DAWN OF SHADOWS
Jack Hughes

Your style of writing reminds me of the novels of Bernard Cornwell. Historical and yet with the depth that comes from your characters who play on this stage you have designed. This is a grand adventure and a pleasure to read.

I am eager to back your story. Thank you for giving us a complete work so we can see the entire book. Best of luck with publication. I feel you are deserving.

Sincerely,

Mary Enck
A King in Time

DAWN OF SHADOWS
Jack Hughes

Your style of writing reminds me of the novels of Bernard Cornwell. Historical and yet with the depth that comes from your characters who play on this stage you have designed. This is a grand adventure and a pleasure to read.

I am eager to back your story. Thank you for giving us a complete work so we can see the entire book. Best of luck with publication. I feel you are deserving.

Sincerely,

Mary Enck
A King in Time

You have a good writing style and the scenes with tension are really sharp. The idea seems marketable, with some connection to Dan Brown novels as far as exploring an ancient religious order. I understand Samuel's background but I'd like to feel more personality out of him. It's hard to gauge his opinion on things.

The plot moves well and has some mystery to it, which I enjoyed.

Add comma: “There, the matter was closed.”

Typo: “…remembering his encounter the NIGHT before and looking…”

Nice job. I'll back it.

Brian Bandell
Mute

God's hooks, Jack...! Aside from this reader being a direct descendant of one of the Knights of the First Crusades - and therefore intrigued, your storytelling and way with words is nothing short of superb.

Samuel is deeply envisioned - and I wish he'd been the one to flatten the dastardly rotten Gascon and friend, but, I live in hope for later. The first chapter intrigues, makes us laugh and then shiver with fear along with Samuel and the ill-fated Catalan monk. I found it bursting with atmosphere, as well as subtly letting readers know what life had befallen Samuel at Clairvaux, with pictures in the mind of the Fathers there. The Ferret, I think, will live on in readers' minds forever.

Nits for ch.1.... ha.
Bit confused by *..Hugh de Payens, retainer of Count Hugh himself...* Perhaps a word of three of who Count Hugh is/was, being a namesake.

As they leave the cottage in the woods, we have Samuel wondering about the contents of the saddlebags that *Enrique* had wanted them to find. As far as I could make out, he doesn't know the Catalan's name yet?

GREAT ending for ch.1

In 2 - (you have a Chapter 3 in the heading!) This is lively, and I can breathe along with Samuel as he searches for that Ferret rogue. We meet the wonderful Marie in the colorful atmosphere of the hostelry. Her tales, especially, of course, of the despicable Bissol, are a wonder to behold. Truth is stranger than fiction!

NIT -- *It was her*. FINE - great punch, BUT, I stopped with what followed for a moment, wondering if I'd missed something. Perhaps it IS fine, that we discover he saw this girl on his way to Troyes. Not sure. Also, when Samuel leaves the hostelry, he is dreaming of *Monique*, this girl - *now that he could address her by name* - BUT, Ella hadn't told him the name...

In the attack by Gascon, I think there needs to be a mention of his companion at the start of the fight - which is very well done, by the way. Just a slight confusion for me that a companion is mentioned when he and Gascon get their comeuppance.

Now we meet his saviour, Remy de Lusignan - interesting. That whole scenario with the Breton/Norman battles is fascinating. I did have to re-read parts of all of that to get who was whom and on which side... not that it really matters, as of course this is a *friendly* of sorts!

Typo alert -- *Hearing his name being chanted drew Guillaume de Tancerville (missing word/s) could smell triumph and rose to his feet.*

But well done that whole scene, and we come full circle, back to Remy's purpose in Troyes, and the miserable (or is he...) Bissol. And Samuel is back to the misery of Clairvaux. Not for long, one hopes. (I shall read on whenever possible to find out.)

You've set up an intriguing tale, that's for sure - with Hugh de Payens (from the pitch) subtly being introduced, a journey to the Holy Land ahead, these characters bound to collide, and the biggest treasure of all to be found.

Historically superb, atmospheric, spellbinding plot, and characters to care about. All I can give is six stars and a place on my shelf - and a crossing of myself in penance for not being able to offer more.

From Kay-Christina
(*Annacara*)

Thanks Kate, I really appreciate the support. I've had a lot of help from Authonomy with this story and it's proved very useful in learning what does and doesn't work. If this ever makes it to publication, it will be thanks in no small part to the readers and authors on here. Good luck.

Jack

Hi Jack. This is an intriging book. I'm really enjoying reading it. I love books like t and this one is so much more than just a story. It is like a history lesson too. The characters seem so alive. I can feel Samuel's fear in the forest and smell the trees.
The Quest for the Holy Grail is perhaps the oldest and greatest adventure ever undertaken by man, and will always remain a mystery. Your book is like that quest. Always surprising and interesting. Great stuff! Backed with stars and on w/l.
Kate Grimes -LIZZIE -CUPPA TALES - TALES OF WILLOW GREEN - ANNIE.

Hi Jack. This is an intriging book. I'm really enjoying reading it. I love books like t and this one is so much more than just a story. It is like a history lesson too. The characters seem so alive. I can feel Samuel's fear in the forest and smell the trees.
The Quest for the Holy Grail is perhaps the oldest and greatest adventure ever undertaken by man, and will always remain a mystery. Your book is like that quest. Always surprising and interesting. Great stuff! Backed with stars and on w/l.
Kate Grimes -LIZZIE -CUPPA TALES - TALES OF WILLOW GREEN - ANNIE.

This is a fresh breath within an often tired genre. I’m not a big historical fiction reader. Mainly because I hate the usual info dumps and stagnant voice. You don’t have this problem. This is deep and entertaining but reads like light fiction. Could easily continue reading if I had more time.

This is a well-written piece of historical fiction. The dialogue and narrative ring true and its well-paced and polished. There were only a few things that held me up in this opening chapter.

"Every joint in his body aching and he had a long walk back through the woods in the hot sunshine of late summer" is a messy sentence. "Every joint in his body aching" isn't a complete independent clause, but you're using it as one. I'd reword.

"Unattentiveness like that would have gotten him killed" makes more sense if you use "could have gotten him killed." If it would have gotten him killed, then he'd already be dead. Also, unless it's a different where you live, it should be inattentiveness.

This was a little difficult to get into at first. I had a difficult time figuring out who was who early on. Anything you can do to help your reader settle in will benefit this greatly. You might also tap into your characters' heads a bit more. It might give them more insight.

Other than that, I thought this was a well-crafted opening. Great start!

HI Jack.
This reads really well so far and the ptich is excellent. Love historical fiction and alternative history so this is very promising. Conceptually its has Assassins Creed like aspects but it seems mroe solid in its historical grounding.
Great stuff.

Excellent, thank you very much. The support is greatly appreciated. I've not had much success with the literary world with this one so far, so now I'm concentrating on introducing it through Shadow of Winter. I've been told that thrillers tend to have a bigger market and are a little easier to get into. And why not indeed? It worked for Ken Follett!

All the best,

Jack

I've had this to read on my WL since I joined the site, so apologies for not getting around to it earlier. this isn't my usual genre of choice but I found myself sucked in by your pitch and had to read!
3 chapters in and I'm loving it, you have a very strong voice and the way that you write draws the reader into the world subtly without info dumping or heavy descriptions. I'll concur with other comments, this is almost polished to perfection, lovely!

I've had this to read on my WL since I joined the site, so apologies for not getting around to it earlier. this isn't my usual genre of choice but I found myself sucked in by your pitch and had to read!
3 chapters in and I'm loving it, you have a very strong voice and the way that you write draws the reader into the world subtly without info dumping or heavy descriptions. I'll concur with other comments, this is almost polished to perfection, lovely!