15 Days

Dear Kayla

I would be turned off if I was asked to read chick lit for instance, or about wizards and suchlike. But I would have a look and comment based on the writing rather than the content. Thanks for backing. David

I think the plot is excellent, however making the character a sportwriter could turn off some readers, I know it turned me off to the story when I first read the summary. I am just anti-sports I suppose. Anyway, It seems you have a large vocabulary (which is awsome) that you display in your writing! I love it when I come across a word that I would use and most people wouldn't.

Best of Luck,
Kayla Cargiulo

David. I found the book very engaging and am keen to read more. I have no criticisms the story flower naturally and promised a lot more and it was educational as I had never heard of Dizygotic twins. Your journalistic stylre makes you easy to read and I think it would be a great film. Will comment when I have read more

- 15 Days -

(Based on chapters 1-4)

I’ve enjoyed what I’ve read here. The narrative voice is sets up a sympathetic character, the and the idea of the one that got away coming back into the main character’s life around the setting of the Wimbledon championships is an interesting one. I’ll admit that in coming into it, I did think ‘been done’ because of the recent film but this is a different animal altogether and the setting from a journalist’s point of view was perhaps what I enjoyed most about it. I enjoyed how the setting was introduced, in that there wasn’t a lot of description of the surroundings. Rather, there was just enough. We’ve all seen Wimbledon on TV and I think the author has been able to use the images he knows are already in the reader’s mind rather than having to go on in detail about it.

I do have a few things I could nitpick at but nothing major.

One thing would be that I did find some of the sentences overlong and a bit difficult to keep track of. The best example is the very first sentence. I needed to go back there to remind myself what it had started talking about at the beginning.

Although I liked the mood created on the train into London, I did wonder whether so much exposition was necessary so early on, particularly in terms of the main character’s family and their background. Personally, I would have liked this to be introduced more sparingly in the opening stages so as to let the story move on. The family background could then have been dealt with in more detail once those characters enter the scene.

I also found the mentions of the tennis players a bit journalistic. Venus Williams, for example, is I think famous enough that she doesn’t need to be delineated as ‘the American’ and I’d imagine most would have a good idea of who Roger Federer is without having his achievements listed.

As I say, these are nits and they can be taken with a pinch of salt since I’m a novice writer and make no claims to being right about anything. I’m just going on gut feeling and giving my honest opinion. I hope at least some of it was helpful.

Best of luck with it,

Ross

HI David,

I've had some time to read your book, and I have some comments.

First off, the writing is strong. You have a direct and straightforward style that serves you and the characters well. You make it easy to get to know and like your narrator. And you have some great images - "flies on a pot of honey." And there were others. Really, the writing is quite lovelyl.

I do have some suggestions. I found a number of your sentences overly long. And since some of them were close together, it slowed me down. Examples include the last two sentences of your first paragraph. I think breaking up these, and some other wordy sentences, would help.

I found some of the book a little overly sweet. This may just be a taste issue, but first you have the two sons, both happily employed, no commute, living near the parents, nice boys. Then you have young Jane, utterly perfect and - popular! No one envied her? It was all smooth sailing for her.

The dropping of the bombshell is well done. But then you digress into a long description of dizygotic twins - no need. You can just tell us tell us they were fraternal twins. I think most people know what that means.

Finally, I am a big believer in the writer's maxim "show, don't tell," and think there were a couple of places where you "told" instead of "showed." Example: "Jane was strong willed and independent..." Why not something like "On more than one occasion, I saw Jane challenge a teacher, to the teacher's annoyance. But Jane had done her research, and was nearly always correct."

And you tell us in a sort of offhand way that Stuart declared his love for Jane. How about "One night I steeled myself to tell Jane how I felt. We were walking home from the movie theater, and I was emboldened by the kissing scene we'd both witnessed. Too shy to make a physical move, I said, 'Jane, um, there's, um, something I've been wanting to tell you..." My face was burning up that Jane's eyes widened. She must have thought I was sick, and indeed, I felt slightly ill...." Get it? Make us feel for him in the circumstances. That way, we get to know him, and want ot take this journey with him.

You have a really compelling story, I can tell you that you have the writing chops to make it really sing! I look forward to reading more.

And of course, thank you thank you thank you for backing Animal Cracker.

All my best,
Andi

The voice of the story comes across as a good old friend. You handle diologue exchanges like a true master. The only critic I have has to do with the opening paragrah and the word echos. I would try to revise the opening paragraph so that the focul point is not the dates and I would zero in on the people and the place. There were quite a few word echos: train, june etc...

This is a good first chapter and I like the close POV. Need to read more.

Cheers,
Dwayne

Hi David,

This is a very interesting read. Initially, I had the feeling it was written from a journalistic perspective, rather than a novel but then It struck me that your narrative voice is in fact a journalist and eveything seemed to fit more easily with me. I like the premise and, actually, the style of writing, which is very much in keeping with your main character. You do a very good job of dealing with the normality of a morning rushing for trains in a vivid and engaging way initially, then you are able to maintain the readers interest.

I think this will soon be published alongside your other work.

Good luck with it!

Laura

Dear Kenneth

Thank you so much for your encouraging comments, I have tried the film route and have a friend, a producer of note, who is looking at the book. Keep your fingers crossed for me. I have backed your by the way, looks my type of novel. Will comment later. David

David,
You have Stuart multi-tasking in a most intriguing way, between discovering a twin sister, dealing wih a terrrorist, covering Wimbledon and justifying himself to his boss, his wife and the police. "15 Days" with its blow-by-blow narrative in your obvious joiurnalistic style could be easily transposed into film and be watched exactly as you wrote it. Although the book format is your obvious intention, my hidden voices nag: "Get this on screen, get this on screen, get this on screen," like a mantra.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Thank you for the encouraging critique which is very welcome. Now I need lots of your contacts, friends, acquaintances to back it and drag it back from the abyss into which it has drifted. Thanks again David

The novel 15 Days takes a normal person, main character Stuart Wright, and places him in extraordinary circumstances, a plot design that’s always a crowd pleaser. The fact that we know exactly how long a period the novel takes place over, and the listing of the date and time at the beginning of each chapter, helps to bookend the story.

As a fellow journalist, I was intrigued by the sports reporting and the Wimbledon angle. Though I’ve never been a sports reporter myself, it’s obvious that book author David C Garland has spent quite a lot of time in this world. Everything in that respect seems completely accurate, a very nice touch for a fictional tale.

The interesting thing about 15 Days is that the pacing is a little slow at the onset, and then ramps up as forces begin to conspire with and against Wright. But even at first, I found everything to be a good read. I like how we are given time to get into Wright’s head, to figure out how he thinks and how he feels. It makes his actions later in the story seem much more realistic, and helps us to care about what happens to him.

I would classify 15 Days as “realistic fiction” in that the events in the book could happen to anyone of us. This type of tale is very popular at the moment, and I see no reason why people would not pick up 15 Days were they to find it on the shelf at their local store. It’s a prefect beach holiday type of read in that it entertains without too much effort, and focuses on an everyman character who we can all identify with.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

They say write about what you know and my goodness you certainly know what you are talking about here. It’s obvious from the very beginning that you live and breathe this.
Your use of language and your ability to express yourself are something which most authors would kill for. However, I would prefer a little more show over tell. I like to part of the action in a story. When a writer is just feeding me the information rather than helping me learn it as I bond with the characters and places etc it can get slightly frustrating.
I love the building of the story with the childhood friends then into sweethearts. This is where you pulled me into the story.
Your characters are vivid and real. I like them. Especially Paula. I like her reaction at the end of the chapter but something about the wording read a little strangely. I could be way off though but for me it just didn’t fit right.

Janny

Dear Benjamin,

Thank you for your comments, much appreciated. I will take your suggestion into account and see how I can utilise it. David

Fascinating premise. I want a little bit more of a sense of what it all means to the protagonist; to say the events were momentous and life-changing is something of an understatement, and I want to hear more about the conclusions he draws from these events. A compelling read!

I read your first chapter six months ago. I read your second and third chapter today.

General comments: Engaging chapters. Interesting main character. Good descriptions. Not much tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) "You alright guv?" he asked. Comma after 'alright.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are more cases where you address someone in dialogue but don't offset their name or title with commas.
2) "I'd advise your son to read, read, and then read some more." I said. Comma after 'more.' 'I said' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma (unless it's a question or exclamation). There are more cases of this type of problem.

Specific comments on the third chapter:
1) "Be realistic Jane," murmured Michael. Comma after 'realistic.' When you address someone in dialoogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are more cases of this type of problem.
2) "I'm fine, Wimbledon was fine, it's something else ............ " When using ellipses ( ... ), only use three dots. Using more dots pulls the reader out of your story while they try to figure out what you mean to imply with twelve dots. You don't want that. There are more cases where you use more that three dots.

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important early chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for supporting "Savannah Fire."

Have a fabulous day.

Al

Dear EMD,

I appreciate your very detailed comments and will take them aboard. I guess my journalistic training comes to the fore when writing lengthy stuff like a nov el, so I´ll take a look at your comments, one by one, and see what needs to be done. Thanks for the compliments which I accept with pleasure and gratitude. My first published book, 180 Days, is on amazon.com. Some editing was required for that before publication so perhaps the pleonastic streak in me needs adjusting! Thanks for the time and effort you must have spent reading and commenting. David

FIFTEEN DAYS / David Garland

I'm going to really step out on a limb here. I read your bio, I see the vast experience you have as a writer and being a novice myself am a bit apprehensive to critisize anything for fear I will be out of bounds. The thing is, I am your reader so given the venue, whereas we are charged with a responsibility to give it to each other straight, I make these observations:

You are obviously a man who has a wonderful command of language, ability to articulate your thoughts through words / writing and remarkable. You have a gift with describing scene detail. Boy, am I nervous about this. What I see is however, is a journalist telling me these things. Let me see if I can elaborate properly. I feel there is too much detail at times for a story such as this. Backstory I mean. Too bulky. I would think it wise to bring the history details in increments, spread out through the beginning chapters perhaps.

This is where I get to the comparison. You are a journalist. It has been your life. My friend, it shows here. You've been used to bringing stories to readers as news, leaving out no detail. I would imagine working with deadlines has been a big part of your life, forcing you to ponder when you write what you could possibly be leaving out in an effort to bring your readers everything associated with the story / news you were covering. In a sense, I think the very thing that has been an attribute is now the thing you must learn to tame. As an author of books, we have to learn the art of taking that information and feeding it to our readers one sip at a time. Suspense, be it any genre, is the key to 'keeping' your reader interested and assuring us they will not set the opus on their nightstand to collect dust, only 100 pages in.

Wow. I feel like an ametuer boxer trying to tell Muhammad Ali how to throw a jab here. It is the most uncomfortable I have ever been doing a critique by far.

Your story is compelling. Your writing is excellent. That said, one might read this and think, "What the heck is Emmett talking about?" Somehow though, I feel I must point these things out. We all experience some sort of transitionary effect when training ourselves to write for fiction readers. The training never stops really, it goes on forever. If we think we have it nailed, the business evolves and hence, we must as well. Imagine the way fiction writing itself has changed. We're doing this right now. You're reading a critique, on a computer screen. What would Robert Louis Stevenson think about that? Isn't like waiting for a critique from Nathaniel Hawthorne to arrive in the mail is it? ' (I don't know if they knew each other)

Okay. Now I'm going to attempt to be more precise. I know a first person narrative will be narroheavy. It stands to reason. Still, that is when a writer must attempt to use the characters to tell as much story as possible. Balance. Here again, I am hesitant to crit as I must say you write dialogue as well as any writer I have ever seen. Heck, you may be the best frigging writer I have seen on Authonomy. It isn't voice, your voice is wonderful. It is the science that you must now explore to break into that 1% or so of your talents. Again I say in having written as a production writer I think your need to adjust the output of info and spread it out is the ONLY problem I see.

All in all. Voice good. Writing excellent. Dialogue perfect. Narrative, a bit heavy. Appeal is strong. Theme good. Plot excellent. Characters remarkable. So, what the hell am I taking about? Pace. Adjust the pace.

In closing. I feel I should recommend a story / writer to reference who is similar to you who may have utilized some of the points I make for an example. For that, I can think to look no further than across the room at my Lisa (L J Rutledge / SHADOW PUPPET) It is found here on Authonomy. While your stories are very different, the method I refer to is apparent in her book. Please read it. I hope you will see what I mean. I'm going to be nervous about hearing back from you on this as like I said, I am apprehansive about hitting the 'submit' button on this crit.

I gave this work 6 stars. I'm going to read the entire story. I wish you the very best in all that you do.

Thanks for the comments and backing. David

Hi David, I'd begun reading this before so I started at Chapter 6. I like the way you insert descriptive words, spare and especially matching your protagonist's personality. "The phone shuddered..." This made it easy to pick the story again and then I became absorbed with the interlapping issues of this man on his way to Wimbleton. That in itself causes anticipation. What's going on with the half-sister at his house and the terrorist lurking in Hyde Park makes me think some things are flying into this man's lane like a tennis ball. Though his narration is very comfortable, the tension gives all this edge. Very enjoyable. Shelved again - Katherine (The House in Windward Leaves, The Swan Bonnet)

Thanks you for your comments they are much appreciated. I´m reading 2nd book in Steig Larsson´s trilogy starting with The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. I feel absolultely humbled (writingwise ) by the power of Larsson´s writing. Trying to re-evaluate mine in the wake of reading Larsson.

David

David,
I read chapters 1-3. I like your MC and the premise very much. Your pitch was good enough to pull me from my usual genres and try this out. First person works well here. I'm just wondering if you might be explaining too much. Were you to string us along with just enough background . . . For example: maybe we could do without the explanation that he's married with sons in such a frontal way. A quick but natural reference here and there might improve reader involvement and keep us closer to the actual events unfolding. Now, granted, I only read the beginning in short order with my morning coffee, but at book stores, one scans a beginning to see how it strikes them, and "we" have to snag them right away.
I like the components and character, as I said, and intend to stop back and read more--especially the backpacker incident. I'll rate then.
Best,
John B Campbell (Walk to Paradise Garden)

David, you have a great story here, but you dont do yourself justice in the pitches. I suggest you study the ones that work on this site, and on the dust covers of your favourite novels, and re-write both.
You have worked hard to complete your novel, but the real slog has to follow!
Try to make your writing more crisp: cut out every unnecessary word, especially adjectives, and write more naturally, using everyday words, especially in the first paragraphs.
The flash back to Stuart's school days flows much better, and as the story unfolds, I find myself drawn in. However, a book with a lot of narrative does tend to become slow-moving. Editors are always talking about "show, note tell", and I feel that more action and dialogue would be advisable.
You handle the changes in time well, and anticipation builds. Then comes the shocking twist to the plot! (I had missed that in your pitch - and it is debateable whether you should include it there, anyway). But dont suddenly change points of view in the final paragraph of Chapter 1!
I'm sorry if this all sounds rather negative, but if I hadnt seen the merit in your story, I wouldnt have bothered.
I've only read one chapter. Will keep you on my w/list to dip in further in due course.
Jane.

The tense you may be referring to perhaps is that relating to 'Wimbledon begins today'. Someone has pointed that out already but the fact is the Championship doesn't start until 1 pm later the same day, hence the use of the tense in question. David

Thanks for the critique David, I will take another look and see what needs to be done. David

David

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The narrative's style is a bit of a mix. There is moment by moment description, proper of the YA literature, followed by a fact- based journalistic style, proper of the modernists, followed by the opinion making style proper of the post moderns
....all in all, a nice salad....lol.

As a result we have a narrative that moves fast at times, then at times it pauses and lingers.

Your descriptions have a pulse and specificity that is eye popping
"Reddish, flicker..."
"broad-brimmed natural...."
well done

Some of my favorites

"pleasantly tended"

"nudging to life"

"scruffy care free"

"swirled like butter"

"trailed in her wake"

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

I would cut a bit on the modifiers:
"clearly evidenced" "interminable fifty minutes" "immediately obvious" "completely laid.."
why?
Because, as Updike says, I writer that knows how to compress (i.e. and you do know how to compress) should let reader fill in the blanks.

I would also use more body descriptions rather than naming the emotions:
"willed and independent"
why?
Because when you describe, the emotion unfolds in the reader's mind
When you name it, what flashes through the reader's head is the word.

Hope it helps,

Overall wonderful

david

Thanks for your comments -- I will look at your points and correct. if necessary. David

David, overall a very good story (read through chapter 6) but there are some tenses in the first paragraph that don't make sense, so you may want to re-read it and edit it, it makes it hard to read. Other than tenses, and some grammar, great book! Will back this week or next!

On the whole this flows really nicely. The voice is warm and engaging and the pictures painted of his past are very detailed and rich.

A few thoughts:
1. In the first paragraph there was a shift in tenses with it being described as 'It was...' and then a bit later 'today'.
2. I wondered whether the background of his first job and marriage to Paula could be saved for a bit later. The stuff about Jane was really eloquent and interesting but my interest was beginning to wane slightly as I wanted to continue with the train journey.
3. The line 'Who was she?' struck me as odd. Surely she is Jane, otherwise why the long tangent into history? ... I thought he was telling the memory as he was thinking it, but now it seems he hadn't been thinking about Jane afterall.
4. I love the twist of him not realising it was Jane, but she wasn't completely believable, to me. Her dialogue about Jane and Stuart being twins sounded rather prepared and lengthy- but surely she was rather surprised to see him and would be less calm and coherent in her explanation? I also don't believe he would let this stranger go into all the details about what a dizygotic twin is without first reacting to (or quickly picking up on) the fact that Jane was his twin.
5. I'm not sure the bit at the end of chapter 1 (Paula's thoughts) are necessary.

There is enough here to capture my interest, I think it is a really great plot; thought provoking on many levels. But do take a look at those notes, particularly the dialogue in the meeting with him and Jane.
All the best, Karen

Have 6 starred this and added to our WL which means you WILL make our shelf in the next (+3) round of backings (its 11pm for us). Check our comments trail if u want to confirm this and do feel free to chase at ANY TIME to know exactly how long till ur going up...

Hi David - I am loving reading your book, I will have to read through to the end (I've just checked that it is complete) I am totally hooked with everything. I have been to Wimbledon twice and I am enjoying the setting. Well done. I will comment again when I have finished reading the whole of it.
Regards.
Bradley Haynes (Tricia)

David,

I just read the first chapter of 15 DAYS. Your narrator instantly strikes the reader as honest and sincere, so you have us on your side from the outset.

Notwithstanding, I found some stylistic and grammatical issues that you may want to address. For example, each of your first three sentences are very long (as are many of your sentences throughout). If you have created these long sentences to create a breathless, manic feeling, I think you have succeeded. Nonetheless, some readers may be overwhelmed with it so early into the text. In the first sentence of the second paragraph, the phrase "interminable fifty minute commute" is nonsensical. It's not an interminable commute, for it's a fifty minute commute, right? Perhaps you want to describe the interminable commute by its distance (e.g., kilometers) rather than its temporal length.

In the third paragraph, you have a few instances of the disfavored passive voice (e.g., "was complemented"; "was wearing"). You may want to convert these instances to an active voice (e.g., "complemented her"; "wore").

In the second sentence of the paragraph that begins "The school was like any other . . ." I recommend that you delete the second "where" as it stilts the flow and adds nothing. In light of your preference for long sentences, I think it is particularly important that you delete extraneous words from your prose. For example, in the very next sentence, the second instance of "she" is superfluous. The sentence that begins "Her name was Jane" is a comma splice. Conversely, the clause "the remaining half of a double bench . . ." is a sentence fragment. As an aside, a gazelle might be graceful on an open plain, but it would be a little intimidating sliding into a bench, don't you think? The metaphor doesn't work for me.

It's bit self-congratulatory to say that you and Jane had so much in common and then immediately thereafter describe her as "bright" and "articulate." You risk alienating the reader when you tout your own virtues.

I hope that these observations are of some use to you.

Kind regards,

Rob
(Aralen Dreams)

I read your first chapter. I'll post my general comments here and message you my specific comments.

General comments: A well-constructed, captivating start to what promises to be an interesting story. A sympathetic, complex main character. Excellent sense of place. Good twists.

15 DAYS
This has a remarkable plot. I like the way everything is linked to each other and very well done too. Your pitch is perfect, succinct and definately makes the reader aware that he is in for a thrill.
You've certainly packed a lot into the few chapters I read, lots of twists and turns. Some nice observations and good descriptions.
I felt some of the paragraphs were a little over worded and could be pared down a bit. Apart from that a very good read. Starred and on my WL.
Faith
THE ASSASSINS VILLAGE

This is a world I'll never be in: from the train to the press box. Those physical details, that I'm sure are banal to you, are of great interest to me. Exotic.

Jane was universal. From the description of the captivating stranger to the recognition of someone from another era. We all have our Jane.

I did want to bring up another point in your messages.

David
I read this with interest. The voice is easy to follow and get immersed in, however I did feel at times he was waffling which would probably put me off reading the whole book. The few chapters I did read though, were crammed with gems of lines and observations. Happy to stick on my shelf.
Charlie

I read this before the seismal change of rules and found it to be a great story living up to the definitely different promise of its pitch. Some neat observations - I was hooked by "commuters squelched around her" and the standard was amintained throughout. i particularly enjoyed "receptive vat into which Paula's grapes of wrath could be deposited". I still love it and it has that 'je ne sais quoi' that makes one return to read. 6* .Robert Davidson THE TUZLA RUN

This lacks first-page zing. Apparently competition for the attention of publishers, reached through their somewhat jaded first readers, is so intense that anything less than a rivetting first page will result in a casual flip into the wastebasket.
The premise is good, though the language seems a bit ponderous. Your protagonist is middle aged, but he is a journalist. Journalists write (and speak?) in a fast-paced 'interesting' style. They have to compete for their reader's attention. So do you. You begin with backstory and scene setup. Perhaps an opening in the action might work better, something like 'The woman strap-hanging caught my eye --( description etc) This would give a reader place - a commute - and the description would ease us into the protag. himself - her age like his own etc. perhaps a semblance to his mother noticed.
I hope this helps. Good luck.
phil

David - Hi. The following is based on your summary and the first 3 chapters, not a full critique, although I have dipped into later chapters.
I liked the first part of the premise: meeting an old flame nearly forty years on is an initial hook. The fact that she's a twin separated at birth is an exciting idea, but then my belief system was stretched when I read that she attended the same school and was placed beside Stuart on Day 1. I also wondered whether she would really feel able to spill all of the beans on the occasion of their first coffee! if she did, I think he'd have spluttered at the first mention of Elizabeth Wright, not waited to react until the end of lengthy paragraph. My belief system was stretched further by the idea that the family doctor would a) decide to ring the hospital, b) that it happened to be the right one c) that they'd divulge birth mother's name even to a GP d) that he'd divulge it to the parents.
The second part of the premise is also an exciting idea but could Stuart really experience two such dramatic events in such a short time span? Also, is the tennis stuff vital to the plot? It seemed a bit diversionary.
The writing is polished and competent but I'm not sure the 'voice' will carry through. His vocab is a little uppity for everyday thoughts unless you are building up to be a trifle stuffy - but i think the main problem is that you relate most of the story rather than have it happen 'in front of' the reader. You could easily rewrite this (a chore I know) to make the whole thing immediate and therefore more dramatic.
Some of the dialogue is laboured and you could liven it up with a keener ear.
I would be interested in this book, wouldn't I, because my first unsuccessful novel opens with a bloke on the tube seeing his doppelganger who turns out to be his identical twin separated at birth. And it's all downhill afterwards, birth families being as they are. The tube is such an unnatural form of human transport that anything which happens there seems possible.
Backed your book and hope the above is the sort of thing you were looking for. You've certainly got lots of lively material.
Lara (Rosalind)
Good for Him

David - 15 days - well written and certainly topical as your previous writer comments. Backed without hesitation. Balepy (Freckles the Fawn)

Hi David. Thanks for backing Degree of Exposureand your kind comments. It is good to get them from someone who is as professional a writer as you are.
Enjoyed your very topical book. Plenty of twists and turne to kep the reader involved, and smoothly written to help things move along at a cracking pace. Best of luck with it. Shelved with pleasure Eric.

Wow, that was quite a shock. I liked reading this and will definitely try to come back for more. I do connect with the characters, but it may run a bit more smoothly if you shorten some of the parargraphs - it can ramble on a bit in places - but of course that's just a matter of opinion. Not sure about the 'Paula smiled knowingly' bit either: what does she know?

Good luck,
Dagura

A shocking secret mixed with a public exposure of a terrorist elevates this personal drama to excitement and intrigue. Flashbacks serve the author well, establishing his past, which is now so linked to his future. Book moved well, but could also be tightened, especially in first chapter to encourage readers' interest in rest of story. If first person is used, unsure whether Paula's reaction at end of chapter 1 is consistent. Good luck.
Lenore Gessner
Surviving the Seaweed

HELLO DAVID FIFTEEN DAYS'

YOUR BOOK is well crafted and most interesting to read. love the flashback approach, it works well in this case.
its compelling and extremely; well written. and promises to be a great story
will read more
TOM BYE ' FROM HUGS TO KISSES'
please read a chapter of two of mine and back thanks

Thank you Bocri, much appreciated. David

A great story living up to the definitely different promise of your pitch. Some neat observations - I was hooked by "commuters squelched around her" and your standard held all the way. i particularly enjoyed "receptive vat into which Paula's grapes of wrath could be deposited".
Backed
Robert Davidson
THE TUZLA RUN

Interesting premise, your use of flashbacks in the first chapter actually works quite well - a testament of your skills as a writer, as such a method can quickly lose a reader if not carefully crafted. Will continue to read.

I think you have a good story here, and your use of flash-backs interpersed with current day narrative works quite well. (My own story has a similar event near the start, with someone being recognised from his past). I do have a couple of suggestions though. Watch out for over-long sentences, especially at the start of your book. Some of these would read better if split into shorter ones - and without losing any of the content. Also beware of mixing your tenses, which you do on a number of ocassions here. Otherwise this is a good read, and I am happy to back it. Colin

Wow, this is really good. I've read the first chapter so far. I almost wrote something like this one time, but never got around to it. The idea is great. Your writing style seems summarized in places, as if you could turn some of the paragraphs into a long moment-by-moment scene. But then again, I understand that a lot of paraphrasing is necessary because of the vast time period the book spans. Tough call on that one, but I'd try to do more in-the-moment storytelling, such as when Stuart is talking to the old friend on the train.
And I've actually been to Tunbridge Wells, Charing Cross and the other places in your book. Brought back memories. Backed.

Laura Freeman
Writers on the Storm

A newspaper hack rugby tackles a suspected terrorist on his way through Londons underground. For a sportswriter on his way to cover Wimbledon it's just another climatic day, there are the men singles and ladies singles, not to mention the doubles. For Stuart Wright this is interwoven into his life professionally and genetically because the previous day he ran into his childhood friend, who has turned out to be his twin sister. Wright the Writer may become a marked man, for spoiling the terrorist plot.
Can't help thinking of that War of the Worlds journalist who gave a run down of all those small hamlets and towns straddling London like Windsor and Byfleet, only 15 Days has Orpington Tonbridge and Tunbridge Wells, is a subtle message being delivered, that international terrorism is the new War of the Worlds.
Content wise you have lots of things happening, important for any story, so there is never a dull moment, lots of reasons to come back to it, was the mobile phone some sort of trigger mechanism, for example.
Very enjoyable read and thoroughly entertaining.
Backed with pleasure
Daniel Manning.

David,
This is the most dramatic story surrounding the game of tennis I've ever come across. The setting is a place I once dreamed of going one summer while taking tennis lessons. Backed with pleasure.