Essence

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character in Madison. I also really like your use of the first person narrative voice as this allows you to explore all of her thoughts and emmotions. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing ensures that your fantasy will appeal to the YA audience. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Megan -

Essence - Prickly MC, sharp voice and observations. By pushing people away she pulls them in. It's what your story does to, it magnetizes the reader. I want to know more about Madison, but it's late here, so will return tomorrow.

Backed, Pia (Course of Mirrors)

You have a great voice. The way I read your chapters was that the POV was from a woman since the MC is never given a character. The first 2 sections of chapter 1 were great but then when you started mentioning Max and Emily I can no longer visualise the scene because I can no longer see any of the characters. I think you need to take more time over this and fill it out with a bit more description, but I'm sure from what I have read that you will make a good job of it.
I would be happy to come later for a second read and shelve your story.
Sana x

Megan,

You've portrayed Madison as a troubled, guilt wracked, and fiesty girl. We get an immediate sense of her personality and want to read further. Your opening chapter sets the scene well and other than some silly nit-picks that a quick edit will brush out, your use of language, grammar and dialogue is flawless. Arlo also seems like an intriguing character, and one Madison will make even more interesting to hear about. This has shades of a darker, more real Twilight.

Best of luck.

Backed.

Jodi
x-Evalesco-x

Just dropped by to have a quick look, sorry you don't have more comments. The opening is very promising Madison comes across as a tough cookie. I'll be back to read more, one for my W/L
Daniel Manning
No Compatibility.

Very complicated for me to follow.

Shah

The pitch is really promising. I like the idea of our essence a lot.
Great tension in the first chapter. Really good insight into your Madison's troubles and fears. eg. The description of the tile tells us so mcuh. Only one thing: the conversation right after 'I glanced at my weapon.' I had to stop and work out who said what line. I could do it, obviously, but it took me out of the story. I'd just add a 'he said' after 'Can I sit down?' And not sure why there's a question mark after "Go away" (maybe I'm dim)
Later: My survival skills are (were?) right up there tonight. - should it be the past?
All in all, two great scenes in this chapter, filled with atmosphere.

Megan, your first chapter is quite riveting. Nothing to nitpick in that section. Great first-person voice.


Happy to back this.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Great line about the limp and the unstable jeans. Madison's inner courage doesn't survive the journey into reality, at least not until he pushes too far, but then it seems the lad who gets hurt. Very defensive, especially about the burn, even Max gets an earful. Nice play on the 'half an hour' theme. Hm, red eyes, never a good sign. 'Or worse, he could have scratched my dad's Capri', this girl is Ms Inner Sarky. Another neat line about Emily's cooking smelling like bark. 'Holy crap! I grasped air', nice one. Arlo turns up at school, in a serious car to boot. 'He's not a criminal or one of the X-men. He's a freaking student', wanna bet? 'being ensnared by his nostrils' LOL. Good grief, when she blows, she blows like a volcano. 'I didn't know what her job was', no, Madison in too wrapped up in her own anguish, but a nice moment with her mother under the stars. Excellent line from Arlo on which to end the extract.

Not a genre I would normally read, Megan, but darn good characterisation. Madison's 'voice', turbulent temperament and edge of craziness are spot on for a girl of her age, with her history, and with a quirky personality thrown in; a refreshingly unique individual who possesses a riotous sense of humour, especially unusual for this genre. Of course there is an element of formula to the plot, but that's exactly what the target audience want, and this has plenty of original features. The writing needs a bit more work (see some suggestions below) but it displays plenty of talent and a real gift for remarkable turns of phrase. Happy to have this on my shelf.

Possible nits: 'by existing, they were', give us a bit more to work with, e.g. 'by existing, the two youths were'. 'It's not like he'd get brain damaged, without a brain' omit last 3 words ... we get it. 'Maybe when I get home' this sentence is present tense, the rest is past. 'I bound[ed] up the steps'. 'I didn't cared [care]'. Only use one ! or ? at a time, and the punctuation needs a bit of an edit. Consider toning down Madison's clumsiness a little so that it doesn't risk becoming Frank Spencer-ish (Who? she asks).

Essence (FC review)
Megan O'Neill

This is superior writing for teens being showcased here. Terrific voice coming through, and you inject pace into the chapters I’ve read. You also create tension between the characters which makes the reader want to continue. Emily is an enigmatic character when we meet her and we want to know who she is; when we finally discover she is Madison’s mother then the relationship becomes even more intriguing.

I found your pitch a little slow in comparison and I don’t really understand what you mean in the short pitch; I think it could be worded better to have total clarity. Otherwise, I think the long pitch is too drawn out and doesn’t do justice to the highly original premise. It could be more effective if half the length.

Some editorial suggestions:

Ch1:

In this sentence, _who would have thought a seemingly empty diner would fill with do-gooders the moment one starts gasping for breath_, I found the use of _one_ a little jarring, for a teen.

I wasn’t sure who was speaking what here:

I glanced at my weapon.
“Can I sit down?”
“Sure, but not by me.”
He had the nerve to look surprised. I for one was surprised he was still there.

smurf cup – should maybe be _Smurf cup_

On second thought it wasn’t far enough – On second _thoughts_...

“Hardly, the days over.” – the _day’s_ over

Huge good luck with this; with a little editing I think you could be on to a winner. Backed with pleasure. ZP

I found this wonderfully engaging. Madison's first person narrative is likeable without being irritatingly cheerful. Good dialogue and strong, solid descriptions make this something worth backing, and I seriously hope to buy it in print one day, so I can finish the story!

Abi xxx

Madison is a great character and you have portrayed her well. The reader immediately empathises with her and engages with the book. The scenes are depicted well and the dialogue is good. i think the atmosphere is right and there is a sense of action and pace.

Backed,

Lisa

'I didn't need a play by play of the accident' hooked me. Madison is sympathetic. Your descriptions are vivid. For example, your description of Arlo. You enhance your engaging narrative with splendid metaphors like 'smurf cup' and apt similies such as 'the coffee tasted like fur balls.' Your dialogue is realistic and relevant. Your pacing held my interest. This is a well-executed YA fantasy. Backed.

Usually I don't comment because as an aspiring writer myself, I don't feel quilified to judge another's work. However, after reading your first chapter I couldn't help it. Your writing style is very original and the pace flows quickly--just what I like in a book. The characters are believable and their dialogue is very natural--just what one might expect from a teenager. I sincerly hope you post more chapters soon.

Michelle Rhyne
Original Sin

I backed your book because I loved it. I am overwhelming with the comment on the books I read hundredth of them. I backed them to support them, but few of them only support my book back. I hope you are nicer to return my backing to support me.
Bamboo Promise

What an opening chapter! This is really good stuff. I feel so bad for Madison, with her low self-esteem, but I love her attitude and spunk. Her thoughts and actions are so believable and endearing. At times I had to laugh out loud. This is really good writing. It's capturing and very smooth. You know exactly how to draw the reader into your story. I am more than happy to back this and can't wait to read more.

Kristin
Demon in the Knight

Fair Crit review.
Althought I can't remember you actually saying so, it feels like this story is set in Americaand the heroine, American. If so, you might reconsider the words, "arse", "maths", "mate" (for "friend") and scoffed" (for "ate") none of which are used in the US.
In chapter two, you use the word "confidant" which is a noun. In the context you use it, it should be "confident".
"Nympho" doesn't need that capital "N" and you have typo - "I used I watched".
I find the first person difficult to read but this is a personal prejudice. Raymond Chandler, whose voice is echoed in you short sentence structure and descriptive style, can do it well; most authors, I find, fall into the trap of allowing the narrator to justify his or her actions. Chandler lets slip nothing about Philip Marlowe's shortcomings but uses his voice only to describe immediate sensations. I think it's best to steer clear. A first person narrator who is screwed up is not a comfort to the reader if you expect to elicit sympathy. It might be worth trying to rewrite say, the incident when Madison first meets Arlo in third person and see how it reads.
These niggles apart, you have strong narrative going (apart from the self-examination of Madison). This is a popular genre at the moment and I feel teenaged girls will have a great time with it. As I am conspicuously outside that demographic, I may not be the best person to judge. I find it hard, for example, to get as excited by Arlo's jawline and broad shoulders as you appear to be! Nevertheless, it deserves to do well and so I'm happy to back it.

Fair Crit Review on Essence:

Well, Madison has captured my heart, and I'm a crusty old codger, so she should do even better with your target audience of young adults. The guilt she feels over her father's death, the misfortune of being sent back to live with Emily, her insecurity about the scar on her neck, her misguided adaptations to her new school environment and her "spirited" streak should all appeal. And she is FUNNY! I'm not sure how this will play out because you haven't posted the sections emphasized in the pitch, but I loved all that I read. My only suggestion would be to try to make the pitch as clear and powerful as the writing. I think you go into too much detail trying to explain the angel angle there. Dump the rhetorical questions and just give us a tease--you don't have to explain everything , and the story seems to be more about Madison anyway.
Niobrara Kardnova (The Trouble with Wives)

Fair Crit Review

Hi! I hope you dont mind, but after reading the first two chapters, i asked my daughter to give it a look as i felt it was the sort of book she would enjoy too (shes 13) and she loved it! Its very well pitched as although the people are obviously youngsters, i found myself getting pulled in to the story regardless, and at the same time Olivia my daughter also found the chcharictors and the story very addictive -and she is a very fussy reader!
She was gripped at the end of chapter one, and really on edge! The only part that confussed her slightly was the opening para, as she thought the lead was in another car at first, but i found it easy to understand so maybe its just an individual thing, but the rest read like melting butter!
I cant find any critisism at all. I think you know where you are going, and you take the reader there perfectly! :-)

Sara

Hands down, one of the best opening paragraphs on this site. As soon as I read that I knew you were a writer familiar with the craft of writing and that this would be a good read. The dialogue was FANTASTIC. you have some fantastic characters here, especially the main character, who is interesting enough I'd follow her anywhere just to see what she would say and do. I hope this does well here.
xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

Hi Megan, Madison’s POV seems pretty angry and observant as she settles in with Emily. And then with the stranger and Arlo being a new student too, she begins to blend in with the action. You’ve called up a strong scenario and Madison is an enticing lead! Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

It's perfect for the genre and I really enjoyed it as well, good luck with it. Backed. E.Loraine Royal Blood Chronicles book one

As you write it's a good idea to pay attention to issues like clarity and flow. You don't want your reader to feel like she's stumbling through it.

Megan, Your pitch is very alluring, promising a very original premise. The chapters don't disappoint. You have a very solid voice for the genre', full of teenage angst. The story moves at a quick pace with plenty of intrigue to keep the reader turning the pages. This could be a real winner. Won't you upload a few more chapters? Backed.

Richard Bard
BRAINRUSH (2010 ABNA Quarter-Finalist)

Madison's attitude and her 'complexes' (that's the psychological term, right?) are quite well-portrayed--the reader knows what's going on, can both sympathize with her and see her problems from the outside.

It seems like you're going for a bit of a stream of consciousness, which is successful when it's preceded with enough context. One of the problem spots is the first paragraph: one of the dudes goes from being 'the blond' to 'Greasy' and there's also a present-tense thought tossed in. The next few paragraphs recover context and redeem the writing, but if people are going to be judging only the first paragraph then this might mess things up.

About the present-tense bits: if they're just her current thoughts, they should be italicized to stand out more; the last sentence of the first paragraph is a good example of this. (She's presumably not continuously being polite to idiot teens, since it's related to that circumstance it should be in past. I hope I've explained this properly.) The problem seems to go away by Chapter 4, though.

This story does seem to be going in an interesting description, especially once her voice and situation are established and we can spend more time watching her interact with Arlo. I wish there were more of this up--it's hard to judge the plot when we've only the smallest glimmers of it.

- Fair Crit

Fair Critters Review

Hi Megan

This is fresh modern edgy teen fiction. Madison jumps off the page with a strong voice and I like that you don't reveal what happened to her straight away. Each chapter offers something interesting and intriguing, making me want to read on and I do want to read on, so if you decide to upload some more, let me know.

The Twilight comparisons are pretty obvious, but in a good way and you must already know that there's a ready-made market for this (my previous two novels are aimed at the same audience and one of my protagonists is called Madison - great minds and all that).

I love it and hope that it gets snapped up quickly. Move over vampires, make way for angels!

Shalini x

To follow are some little glitches that I spotted -

Chapter 1 - 'coming towards me at speed was a young man' - At this point, it wasn't totally clear to me whether he is in a vehicle or on foot, until she says 'you jumped in front of my car'.

Chapter 2 Para 3. Repetition: 'I wasn't going to argue' and 'I wasn't about to spend my weekends...'

Chapter 2 end of first section. Repetition: '....forget the broad-shouldered stranger' and then beginning of second section '...thinking of the broad-shouldered stranger'.

Chapter 2 - 'I was packing my pencilcase when Oliver (bound) up'. Should be 'bounded'.

End of Chapter 2 - 'and I (keep) running.' should be 'kept'.

Hi Megan,

This is a fascinating story that is paced well. It's YA at its best and I wish you good luck with it. Shelved.

Carol

Well written, the story moves right along at a nice pace. I would like to read a couple more chapters now that introduction seem mostly out of the way. Still, I'm glad to back it.

DW (River Dream)

This is solid, and the narration is smooth; it works well...there are a few scenes whose pace you should tighten up, like the accident...Good luck with this

Ok, reading and commenting :)

Good start, straight in. Too many times have I read two paragraphs of descriptions when I want to get straight into the story, which this does nicely.

'My hand clutched my burn'...you hadn't mentioned it yet, so this was a little odd, didn't make sense here.

The internal dialogue works well though, really feels someone is actually thinking this, not just a 2-dimensional character sounding like a character in a book. Oh and a 1974 capri!

Not sure about the start of the accident...it didn't feel fast, she seemed to be able to think lowly and clearly which I wouldn't have thought realistic. Puled away some of the drama here.

Summary, chapter one starts off really well, seems to meander a bit, losing momentum, then picks up but i think the encounter could be written with more dramatic action. But ends with intrigue.

Chapter 2 starts of with for the first time in the history of the universe...like those little exaggeration you say to yourself to amuse yourself, so not sure why I stumbled there.

Trouble is chapters 2 and 3 went on for a bit, and nothing much happened except for character introductions....chapter 1 seemed to promise something faster paced, darker and edgier, and for me personally it went a bit teen angst instead.

Umm, reading that all it seems a bit negative, but wasn't meant to be. I liked your writing, and loved your internal dialogue, I get how her mind works, with the little quips to her self, very self aware. I think I got a bit disappointed because I detected this edge to your writing, and then the next few chapters became a little more straightforward.

Backed of course though. Would love to see you let loose with your writing. Maybe there is another chapter you could upload where things kick off? But I am coming back to reread, because I think I read the last chapter or so too quickly.

You are a natural storyteller.....in fact a v good storyteller, but this work needs a little more work to make it perfect.EG the opening words should read: My presumptions are mostly wrong............. and I think the rest of the paragraph needs extra working to GRAB the reader as well as letting them know what you really mean. Having said all that the MC is v believable and the plot is sound...I liked the storyline and wanted more..........so for that I'm backing it...best of luck with this work.

David SAVING STARFISH

This is a great book. Your pitch promises an absorbing plot, and Madision is a brilliant character. You bring her to life straightaway, and build up her character vividly throughout your first chapter. Her encounter with the boy at the diner is extremely funny, but also arouses a sympathy for her which is in no way sentimental. We are hooked in purely by her personality, wanting to read more about her; but you also intrigue us with hints about her father's death, what caused the accident, how Madison was involved, and why she blames herself. You have created another excellent and attractive character in Arlo, a boy we would like to meet again. Your writing is clear, crisp, and very readable. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Was really drawn to you with this pitch, you've got an excellent start to a book here. I love this kind of fantasy book and yours really delivers. I think you've done a wonderful job, its very well written. I probably would pick this up in the store, the pitch sells it then the writing inside delivers!

Missy
Mark of Eternity

Welcome aboard, Megan. Both of your pitches work. That's how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. SHELVED!

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

ESSENCE: This is one of the best YA reads I've read on this site. Madison is a great MC, but it's your voice that makes this piece amazing. I'm in awe and know this will resound with teens and adults.

Heidi
Pearl Edda

This crackles with some superb dialogue, Megan. It may sound odd for a fantasy tale, but their are elements of hard boiled dectective fiction here, Chandler for example. For example, 'Stop looking at my hands, unless you want one to locate your face.' Good stuff. The very best of look with this. Upload as much as you can when you can.
Cheers
Mal Muirhead (Marvellous Mavis and the Devolve-o-Meter)

The difficulty with YA books is to create someone they want to follow to the end, admiring and sympathising with at the same time. In Madison you've got someone they'd probably like to be. They'll feel for her completely. An excellent job. Backed. Lynn

Nice story, comeing along well.
In Ch.1 when Arlo shut the car door and "ran into the trees," it might be better to describe him as "running towards the trees" as it sounds like a mishap.
This is only a light comment, - love your book.
SHELVED.
Neville (The Secrets Of The Forest)

This is an imaginative story. I like the way you've created a new kind of angel; one who is dangerous rather than loving. Madison is a good character; she's likable and sympathetic because of the way she feels guilty about her father. It's the kind of story a reader wants to follow to the end to see how this plays out. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

The site will only let me read chapter 1 but based on that I can see that you have a likable MC in Madison and that this is building into a very readable story. Jim Darcy The Firelord's Crown