Fallen - Based on a true myth

Wow. I am humbled. This is a stunning piece of work. Your delivery of Myra's plight and personal tragedy is superb, alleviated by the tiniest glimmers of humour mixed in and perfectly balanced.

Brilliant work!

Abi xxx

I love your story! I read up to chapter 4. When I get a chance I'd like to continue reading it. This is one of the best stories I've read on this site. You are very good at creating characters and mystery. Well done!

Jenny
Hailey Graham and the Secrets of the Cobalt Eye

Utterly beautiful writing (no bull) flawless in it's delivery, superb characterisation poor Myra losing her job, the job she desperately needs to help her family survive due to her father's illness.
I love the touches of humour you use, in all this was a refreshing novel, excellently written and executed.

Can't wait to read further to see what happens.

DEFINITELY SHELVED
Melxx

I read part of this book about a year ago and I still think about it. I hope if you get time you can take a look at Hailey Graham and the Secrets of the Cobalt Eye. It is newly edited.

Thanks,
Jenny

Hi Gina, I thought I'd read this but it was another book with a somewhat similar title and storyline. I'm not sure if 'Based on a true myth' in your read might not read 'Based on a traditional story' ( this is one of the meanings of the word 'myth' as opposed to 'a widely held but false belief') or even 'This is based on a traditional myth'. A true myth sounds like a contradiction.
Just a thought. Please ignore, as you please, of course.
Backed for good, imaginative writing.
Best wishes, Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

Hi Gina
I love your writing and I really enjoyed your book! It's exactly the sort of thing that I'm into! Well done and good luck with this.
Backed with Pleasure
Jade - Breaking Through x

The opening explanation of the myth was, I thought, necessary and succinctly phrased.
Details of Celeste's appearance at 63 and after a troubled life, rang true and she builds as a well drwan and credible characater throughout the chapter.
Embittered and somewhat severe, she doesn't make Myra's life a bowl of cherries although she does show compassion when she says 'Take a break, dear. Come back to it in a minute.'
William's infatuation with Myra's sister, Abigail, is also well conveyed through his dialogue with Myra and the chapter closes with a compelling feeling of presence; of being there in the rambling house, close to Myra 'scrubbing away at the carpeted stare... the only noise breaking the silence.'

Shelved.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

I really enjoyed your creative flair. This piece is very descriptive and imaginative. Having said that, you may want to reconsider your title. What drew me to read, is because I just finished reading a book called Fallen, in the young adult genre, by Lauren Kate. And it is also a story where the heroine falls in love with and is loved by an angel.
Not trying to be a downer, but I certainly want you to have a head's up, to avoid any publishers thinking it's a "copycat" piece, and of course, copyright issues. If it were me, I'd certainly want to know.
Still, it takes nothing away from your writing, which is aces.
Write On! :)
D.C. Grace
The Sacred Oath

Great story, Gina-Louise. Well done. I've read three chapters and would really like to read more when I get the chance. backed with pleasure.
Regards
megan

Great story Gina-Louise. Well written, easy to read good pace. The characters are alive and not one diemensional and shallow. I don't know what else I can say excpet superb effort.
Regards Megan

What a treat you have given us Gina-Louise. Your descriptions are wonderful, particularly of Celeste. A fine setting and a grasping read.
backed with pleasure
best

What a treat you have given us Gina-Louise. Very fine descriptions and settings. I loved reading this and will happpily back it.

beat

Wow!1 Good start. You're a natural story-myth-teller. I'm sorry I don't have more time, but great beginning. Your characters are convincingly real! Backed!

Hi G-L,

Simply put, one of the best reads I've had here in weeks...and I try to read everyday. The writing itself is strong, but it's your story that really shines. Your narrative and dialogue give real life to your characters....well done!

Lockjaw

I like to comment as I read, just my thoughts as if I was in a book shop. I don’t crit grammar or anything like that much. I have been doing it this way for a while and it seems to work OK and it’s fun.

Hello – I like the prologue and I don’t usually - I love that you have started with Once upon a time. I think that you have one or two commas missing but I am not sure as some rules of grammar do seem flexible between the continents you do have stain glass however and it should be stained glass.

I can already imagine your MissDavenport, you have painted her very vividly so that in a very short space of time we could identify her (she is actually a bit of a b***h isn’t she – up to now at least). You set the scenes well and I can “see” the lovely house and the vivid red everywhere. Your MC is a sympathetic character and your other inhabitants of this story seem real and believable. The dialogue is very natural.

Reading on I have noted one or two teeny, tiny typos but I am sure you will pick them up. Generally the writing is very skilful.

This flows well and I should think the style is well suited to your target audience. I am very happy to back this and wish you luck with it. – Diane

This is great! You have a real winner here :) GOOD LUCK!

breathtaking and wonderful. What style you have within the words that you pen. Wonderfull from the opening and I wish you all the success that you deserve. - andy

I love the concept of this story YA will eat this up.,back on intro alone however I think series. What do you say?

Hello Gina-Louise. I'm so sorry for the late return review. I have been so busy here lately. I have really enjoyed reading your story. You show Celeste really well as a cantankerous old boot and you make the reader feel so much sympathy and warmth towards Myra. You have a lovely easy flow to your writing, which makes it even more of a pleasure to read. If I had more time to read more I would definately read on as I would like to find out more about Myra's plight. Good luck with your book. I wish you all the very best.
Lisa
Grimeon's Pass.

Hi Gina-Louise, The rendering of the manor and Myra’s dismissal has a resigned tone. I wondered that Myra didn’t envision other employment until the disease was told. I liked the grounded characters and the sensitive dialogue. Reasons for Myra’s desperation compel the first chapters after you’ve established her family and given them sympathy. The story moves well in a direct, crafted way. Well-done! Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Hi Gina-Louise
'Based on a true myth' - I love that phrase! This is a story well told and you have a great writing style. Myra is a great herione and I was able to feel her emotions right from the start. You've set the plot up nicely and we know that tragedy is just around the corner.
DP Walker
Five Dares

hi Gina, Not really my thing, but it is well written and I can imagine many people on this site loving it, Gerry

I loved the opening story! I have a WIP with a character named Myra too (Mira, actually). I love that name. Your choose your descriptive details carefully. This is a book I would purchase. A pleasure to back!
xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

Some good ideas and unique approach Backed

Sue
Knowing Liam Riley

A couple thoughts: "Myra was sat"- you might consider "Myra landed". Also, I would recommend sticking with Miss Lawson when referring to the boss (rather than Celeste). In the first chapter, the reader has a lot of new names to keep track of, so using the same name for one person helps in that regard.

I did really like the tone of your writing and the tender connection between Myra and William, which was apparent without needing many words.

Good luck to you!

Cyndi

This is well written Gina. You built Celeste's character really well. I love the fact that Myra had never encountered Caleb, this added a captavating mystery, which made me want to read on. Very best of luck with it! mariecapri (Cosmic Linx)

Fallen - Based on a true myth
Gina-Louise Ferri

This seems like an ideal match your your YA audience - angels, witches, vampires and mythical creatures - with a young girl who has to discover what she truly is in time to save herself and the angels that have become a key part of her life. I read your pitches and chapter one. (Tiny nit - first line of chapter one - "inhabited with" should be "inhabited by".) This was a good chapter which set the stage well for what is to follow. Love the ending to this chapter - "The Manor fell quiet then, no-one spoke a word. The grandfather clock could be heard, ticking away in one of the front rooms, and the sound of birds singing their unique songs to each other and the noise of Myra scrubbing away at the carpeted stair were the only noises breaking the silence." This was audio-visual - very effective to put me in the time and place here...
Best,
Zan

This definitely makes me feel like my writing needs some polishing! Your writing and characters are an inspiration to a fellow young adult and fantasy author. You breathe life into your words. Thank you for writing this intricate and delicate, but vibrant, world.

Backed with pleasure
Britney
BFL

Fallen

What an immense story. Your characters are so very congruent and brilliantly portrayed. But I think it is the style of writing that impressed me the most, it has a quality that naturally ebbs and flow moving the storyline along with what appears (and I’m sure it’s not) ease. Absolutely great story, very well told.

Hi Gina-Louise,

Here's some feedback/critique:

Chapter one:
- She even... - Quite long sentence. I would consider taking out the first comma, and ending at paintings
- glanced in - at? into? In just sounds weird to me. I'd also put a comma after large.
- preffered colour - 'favourite colour' Yes, I refuse to write in Americanish... but preferred sounds odd, when usually we talk of our favourite colour or food, etc.
- Her dog, Souffle' - Comma after the doggie's name too.
- Myra looked up at Celeste who had just called her. - Since we see the dialogue, this seems a bit redundant, unless she 'looked up at the sound of her name'.
- in Souffle' direction - Needs an apostrophe and s. Will look stupid if I do it because I can't be bothered to get the accent thingy going properly.
- "Because, the pay - No comma
- Davenports' gang - 'Davenport's'
- Davenports' life time - 'Davenport's lifetime'
- The use of preffered colours later makes more sense, because she is referring to more than one.
- starting a fresh - 'afresh'
- and Anna depart - 'to depart'
- but that was the one thing she promised Abigail.' - I think you are missing 'she wouldn't say' at the end there.
- Sorry, but this first chapter was pretty dull. I have a fairly short attention span, and usually need something fairly dramatic to happen early to keep me going. I don't think it helped that there wasn't really a hook at the end at all.

I skimmed through the second, but it still didn't really spark.

The third though, it finally had a hint of what was mentioned in the pitch. I like the creativity and originality in people's stories, like Caleb and his dissapearing... not the mundane. If I were you I would consider having a similar scene in the first chapter... or bring her unexplained fall closer to the front, and make it more dramatic.

Mitch

You have done a good job here, your writing style is different, but works in your genre. I would advise you to look at where you have switched point of view and try to keep inside one character's head in each scene. I know you have to be omnipresent in this type of book as I do myself in mine, but it is still off putting to have thoughts from all the characters in the same scene. The only other thing which jarred was the introduction of the characters by saying it was so and so who had just spoken to her. You could handle it by using the name: 'Because the pay is good as well you know, William, having worked here yourself for eighteen months or so.' 'Yes, but you have brains. When we were at school together you achieved much higher grades than I did.' Or something similar - letting the characters tell the story.

Hope this helps as I only mean to. You are a very talented writer with a wonderful imagination and I know you will go far. I am backing your book for the amazing potential it shows, good luck, love Mary

FALLEN:

Gina-Louise,

I would leave out : Based on a true Myth, in your title. And I would leave out the first paragraph. And I would start the novel where your stunning writing really makes an impact and pulls us into your story and keeps us spellbound. It doesn't need those initial explanations. Your writing does it all.

Backed, with admiration,

Sheila Mary Taylor (Pinpoint)

As a lover of Angels - I could not resist your beautiful story. I wish it well.

Jacqui
Once Upon a Blue Moon

I always love when a bunch of people are cooped up in a manor together! Seriously, you do a great job with setting the time and place in the first chapter. We get a feel for the interactions and relationships present, just in time for the supernatural mischief to begin in Chapter 2! This really has a good pace, as it builds up, and you have a great knack for detail and description. The dialogue is true to your time period and is well written. There are some small grammar and punctuation errors here and there. I am a lover of the semi-colon, so when you have a sentence like "William was waiting in the hallway for Myra to emerge, he couldn't stand the tension," it irks me. I know some would say this is a stylistic choice; I find it distracting. It always makes me go back and re-read to make sure I haven't missed something. All in all, very well written and an intriguing start to a story that makes me want to settle in for a long while.
---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

Fallen:

A well written tale which will satisfy many fantasy fans.

Myra is a most likable character and you have a good ear for dialogue.

All the best, and will give it a spin on my revolving shelf.

Cáit ~ Muckers ~

Such a wonderful writing style and characters. There is an epic fairy tale feel to this, I was instantly in love with it. I honestly can't find anything wrong with this,beside the fact that it isn't complete or published!

Missy
Mark of Eternity

Very entertaining. Myra and her sister are well drawn and
Celeste is suitably horrible. I would slip in more hints of what's
to come, from the start, plus a few more physical details and feelings.
But really it's almost finished.. No typos found,,.Congratulations and shelved.
mikegilli The Free

I love your writing style. Story itself is great. I am happy to back your back.
Backed,
Bamboo Promise

Really good, the flow carries you effortlessly through and the building of your characters is wonderful, great job. Good Luck it's perfectly suited to the genre. backed E.Loraine Royal Blood Chronicles book one

Listen, I think this is fantastic writing for the YA market. A great premise and very fluid, accessible prose. I loved it. My only query is the title. How can you have a true myth? Or am I missing something? I think 'Fallen' in itself is a great title.
Good luck and backed
Carl
The Time Hunters

In answer to your question, you have to read on further into the novel to understand the true meaning of this. yes the title is a contradiction, I am aware of that. There is a myth in old Rabbinic Hebrew texts that this story stems on, the book that Myra reads suggests that it is this book she is reading and this story comes true... in it's own unique way throughout the book. Hope that makes some sense.

Thanks for your comment

Gina-Louise

Listen, I think this is fantastic writing for the YA market. A great premise and very fluid, accessible prose. I loved it. My only query is the title. How can you have a true myth? Or am I missing something? I think 'Fallen' in itself is a great title.
Good luck and backed
Carl
The Time Hunters

Gina-Louise you have talent galore, beautiful prose and an imaginative brain - backed with enthusiasm. Balepy (Freckles the Fawn)

It's a pleasure to back your work!

Gina-Louise,

You have a very literary style - highly descriptive and highly readable - and the uncanny knack of making use of just the right word at the right time, maximizing its effectiveness in a sentence, evoking your surroundings or the appearance of your characters. This really makes your story come alive. I like the way you've started to set things up here. Intriguing intro paragraph draws the reader in. Myra is a sympathetic character in the making. I love your style and admire your storytelling gifts. Happy to give you a run on my shelf.

Regards

NA 'A Red Sky in Morning' & 'Tales of Ordinary Sadness'

You have a good pitch for an exciting, intriguing plot. Myra is an unusual character, a girl who is working, we learn, in order to earn money to pay for her sister Charlotte's treatment, after Charlotte was diagnosed with a serious illness. Your characters are skillfully drawn. Celeste, a dreadful woman, selfish to the core and with terrible taste, wanting everything to be red, comes vividly to life in your description of her. We meet Myra next, and you gradually add little pieces to your picture of her, until we feel we know her really well. One thing puzzled me. Why did Myra not get a better paid and less menial job, when she is so clever? But perhaps there is a reason for this which we will learn later in the book. Myra's insults behind Celeste's back, naturally enough, get her fired when Celeste hears them. But this is only the start. You have hooked us in to want to read more about this very individual character. Your writing is clear and fluent, and very easy to read. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

This is absoultely a wonderful story and beautifully written. I love Myra and Celeste and will be back to read more. Shelved.

Carol

This is a fantastic story. I only had time for the first two chapters, but it was enough to see that this really has promise of being a success!

A few typo's--nothing a careful read won't catch. Wonderful story! Backed

BD Nelson
Abigail's Cries

I love this story! The characters of Myra & Celeste are great characters! This is very well written. First chapter is stunning! :) I can't wait to read more!

Hi Gina,
I've now read Chapter One and think it's a good introduction to some of your characters. So far, they seem well rounded - good start. There are some minor points I noticed that could easily be changed:
- ‘She even had a room on the third floor, dedicated to her paintings, she could spend hours up there and no-one would question her whereabouts.’ - I saw quite a few sentences like this, where they could either be separated into two sentences or the last comma could be changed to a semi-colon, otherwise they don't read too well.
- ‘hand around’ - I assume that's just a typo that needs to be changed to 'hang around'.
- “It’s not that bad.” She protested …' - I saw a few of these as well, dotted about in the chapter. It should read "It's not that bad," she protested ...'
Plus, the opening is very focused on Celeste. It could just be a personal opinion, but since Myra seems to be the main character (from the pitch I read), should it start with her? But, as I say, other people might think differently.
I look like I've just ripped your book, but I don't mean it to look like that. I just thought I'd help with a few minor problems. I think you write amazingly well for a your age though. Seriously. And I look forward to reading more because it sounds like there's lots of fun to be had with 'a world where angels, witches, vampires and many more mythical creatures exist' - my kind of thing! Good luck with it! :)

Wow. I am humbled. This is a stunning piece of work. Your delivery of Myra's plight and personal tragedy is superb, alleviated by the tiniest glimmers of humour mixed in and perfectly balanced.

Brilliant work!

Abi xxx

Dear Gina-Louise, I got so excited when I saw that you had backed, "He Loves Me." Thanks so very much. :) Since I have already "backed" & "commented" on your book, I came to your "comment" page to help it advance more. I took your book of my shelf & "watchlist" & will now put it back on my hopefully help it move up (everytime someone comments/backs my book, it moves up). Could you please take a moment to back my unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories." I'd be ever so grateful. :) Love, Susie :)

This is a wonderfully written story. Your prose is solid and the characterization compelling, especially in Myra. The story is original and gripping. You have an incredible talent. Congratulations! Backed.

Richard Bard
BRAINRUSH (2010 ABNA Quarter-Finalist)

Dear Gina-Louise, I love true myths. :) It is a shame that at least some myths could be true, but then of course they would be longer myths, right? Your fantasy is perfect & couldn't be any better. :) Hope you write a lot more. :) I like that Myra was your main character's name because you made mine a little better which I've always hates which you will see in chapter 1 of my 2 memoir books names below. You make me feel a little better about it & I know I have angels to protect me (Psalm 91:11) - wonderful story. :) Your blurb is good because it prepared me to read your book. Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing/commenting on your book to help it advance. Could you please return the favor by taking a moment to back/comment on my TWO books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & the unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories." Thanks, Susie :)