Holy Disorder

HOLY DISORDER
This is an interesting mystery. I was puzzled how the curate was going to make this homeless guy look enough like himself to fool people, but he pulled it off ok (I’m worred tho, Ambrose has a tattoo on him somewhere (the curate never say him undressed) that will be a give away). I like Tony. Between the curate who isn’t really dead and the strange “sister” he’s up to his ears in trouble. Best of all, I like your writing style. It’s crisp and clear and very easy to follow. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

The story is very intriguing. I like the fact that the writer ensures we know what has happened, but then the rug is pulled away and the reader finds themelves unsure if that is what actually happened.
I also like stories that go off on tangents, trying to link them to the central story is what I love about crime writing and this book delivers on that count.
Well done, this is a very good read.

The first two chapters of this most unusual (that is to say original) story is a joy. I particularly liked your use of dialogue to move the action forwward. That is something of a lost art in fiction now. More's the pity.

I just read the first two chapters and it's not what i expected. It's a lot better, its a really food book and one i hope to see one day in a shop
Terence

I just read the first 2 chapters of your work and have to say I liked it very much. You managed to keep my attention, and if I had more time I would certainly read on.
You have some very interesting characters whom you present well. The dialogue and descriptions are good.
Your writing is very good. I didn't see any mistakes.
Sometimes these controversial subjects make the best books. Great job!! Lacy

I read the pitch and was intrigued by the story of a vicar who becomes embroiled in murder and the criminal world. A nice twist on the usual murder mystery novel especially the comedy element. This genre is very competitive so it is important to have something that stands out from the rest. I have a few criticisms which I hope you won't object to. The overall presentation is a little messy with different line spacing, some speech indented and some not etc. It's because I work in a clerical capacity that this stands out to me but it is easily remedied. I found that some parts of the story jumped too quickly. For example when Phylis is in the witness box. She only gives her name and states her shock at finding the body when suddenly the story jumps to Reverend Goddard being called to the witness box. I would suggest elaborating on Phylis's time in the box as she did discover the body and I feel her statement would be crucial to the case. I did enjoy reading Holy Disorder and I think with a bit of editing here and there this would be a great novel.

Kim (Pain)

Dear Digby

This is very witty and well written. I feel you have taken considerable pains over your MS.

Your plot unwinds smoothly and carefully, your characters are well observed, with just the right amount of calculation to make them amusing. Your dialogue is utterly natural, and the whole piece moves at a good pace. You invest your descriptions with sardonic and understated humour which makes reading very rewarding.

Thank you for a great read.

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :)

Digby, I'm so glad you got in touch! What a refreshing read - not only a master lesson in brevity, but hilarious too! Still have a way to go, but it just so happens that a place has opened up on my shelf, and I'm delighted to have to look no further. Six stars.
David
MASTER ACT: a memoir

An incredible style of writing, you are truly a storyteller.
Strong pitch followed a mind-blowing story.
The pace quickly drew me in and the well described characters.
Your writing is fluent and easy to follow. Action, tension, humour, this book has it all
Pitch, pace and powerful.
Pov add to the plot.
Full of emotion and tension, yet not too much to make reading tedious.
Good read.
Well done

Hi Digby, Read the first six chapters. I am enjoying the story. You are weaving the web very well. The characters come across really well which makes them easy to visualise. You just leave enough information missing to draw the reader on. Lots of stars and Very Good Luck with it-Carole

Hello Digby,
I've read the first three chapters. Hope you can return the favour as I like the quality of your critiques.
That said I would say, overall, this does not reach the expectations I had after a promising start. The premise has inherent intrigue which is not over-played. The mechanics of the deed - the preparation and killing - as well as the policer procedural and inquest scene sound authentic and are, again, not over-played.
The main relative weakness for me is the thin humour - which come across as class-based and sneering (the ex-bingo hall cleaner and the pasty-faced tatooed friend).
I would enhance the core of the story - which is the MCs actions and motivations - letting the comedy aspect develope later.
The writing itself is clear and uncluttered.
Good Luck!
John
Dropping Babies

Ch 7 Too much detail in a plane ride and bus ride instead of character development. I'm sure the story gets interesting somewhere further on, but I'm pulling the plug here. Sorry.

Ch 6 Still waiting for the humor. Haven't found it yet. The pacing is staccato and abrupt in the telling. One minute the character is playing tennis and the next line they are on a train home. What happens in-between. The writer has the time to fill-out the background of the story. Also needs editing.

Ch 5 This chapter need not be so short. The writer stuffs the history of the character and any character nuances into one paragraph. It's okay sometimes to let the reader see the character's life and history evolve over a period of time. However, given that we have a sharp,whittled-down portrait of this pathetic person's 70 year life.

Ch 4 The author still has trouble with time transitions. The chapter seems stiff as if there's no life in it; possibly because we don't have a good sense of Tony as a person.It's a story told as if memorized, without feeling.

Ch 3 Again, rather a dry recitation. The writer needs to check for errors in this chapter, inappropriate punctuation etc. Otherwise, the scene is clearly set without to much waste of time we are in the midst of the story and mystery.

Ch 2 Abrupt transitions between scenes. Goddard doesn't seem to have many feelings towards his dead colleague as he's too busy eyeing the girls. A bit crude and sterile in the overall feeling of the chapter in terms of reactions and emotional content.

Ch 1 Very interesting beginning a nice intriduction into the story. It appears to be a mystery-murder at first glance without reading the exerpt. Obviously an English writer as there are references that an American doesn't understand and that can be an issue if addressing a general audience. However, the writing is good.

First I want to thank you for backing "The Doctor of Summitville" and for calling my attention to "Holy Disorder." I've read your first chapter with amusement and admiration.You've introduced distinctive, unpredictable characters and set the stage for something diabolical. It's impossible not to read on. I'll get back to you when I've read a bit more. Best regards, Bill

Digby, this is a weird and wonderful reality you have created - the juxtaposition of English vicars and South African paramilitaries, the blow by blow account of a tennis match, the dialogue - it's bizarre, and in your comic world, there is obviously a reason for everything, but for me, it's all a bit too unlikely [starting from the fact that I know nothing about any of these topics]. Comedies about murder are a tough nut to crack, and I wish you the very best of luck with its development.

Holy Disorder. I love your title, and your pitches offer promise of some fun.
I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert.

Ch.1. Racey stuff, with a touch of humour, and some spicey intrigue. Your style is easy-going, as you gather the threads of your plot and force me to click on. One tiny thought - if you exaggerated the funny bits, creating even more of a obvious caricature, readers may not fall into the possible trap of thinking you are defaming the church? I admit I did wonder at one stage whether I wanted to read on...

Ch.2. Do you think that the cleaning woman's conversation might come as a preamble to her horrific discovery, I wonder? And the first bit about the Reverend seems somewhat out of place. But no doubt all will become smoother as I read on.
Oh - another sudden change of scene!

Chs.3-4 If this story is about Tony, I'm wondering you might have to think about starting the book with him. I'm still not clear in my mind who is the Main Character.
I like that subtle touch: the south London accent had moved nearer Guildford.

Ch.5. Yet another scene change, with new characters, and what on earth has tennis to do with what's gone before?

Ch.6. Oh, I see the link now, but the story appears to have drifted way off course -

You have a good pacey style of writing, and dI found no nits to pick. The chapters read rather like loosely connected excerpts of a story. The plot sounds intriguing, and promises many permutations. But I'd say you have some work to do developing the characters more fully, and allowing the reader more time to familiarise with their backgrounds. Then you can gradually and smoothly lead on to the next twist in the plot, so the reader scracely notices the scene changes.
It might mean some re-arranging and it would be worth identifing exactly who is the main character from the outset.
The starting of a book is fun, but it does entail a lot of work, and it is so worth it in the end. Yours deserves to be persevered with!

I hope this has helped.
Jane (Breath of Africa).

Clean and crisp, this is not a genre I usually read, nevertheless I am beginning to enjoy this story. I think it would improve with a slightly sharper beginning - maybe make the Curate's dialogue with the tramp more predatory and calculating. The tension just needs tweaking a little to draw the reader in. By Chapter 3 Its clear that you are writing about what you know, which always makes for the most believable text. However, so far developing into an interesting and well written tale that I shall continue to read. Well done and good luck.

regards

Cyrus

This really surprised me. You've got a maturity to you writing that comes across as polished and professional. I admit I don't read much crime but I'd absolutely have a go at this one. The little touches of humor added to it and kicked it up a notch. I think you've done a wonderful job with this.

Missy

I picked this as written by the person who made the sanest and most civilised response to Lisamabou...glad I did!

Terrific story, well written, needs a little tidying up, but don't we all? Finish it, please. Five stars and on my watchlist

I started reading this not knowing what to think at all. But once I started reading - wow! I was drawn in right away. Your pacing is great - the characters are a bit creepy and interesting. I actually found myself wishing there was even more description in the first chapter leading up to the death. Your writing is crisp and clear. I was immediately impressed by everything about this. I would say that your short/long pitch could be rewritten to something a bit more gripping. I would not have been drawn in to read your book just from that pitch alone...I guess the story really is about Tony - but it doesn't start off like that so it threw me. But all in all - this is really good stuff. I'd read it.

- Rena (Bunderful) author of Master of the Miracles

Love your cover.

You write well, and this promises to be an enjoyable read. And, indeed, the first chapter did a nice job of laying things out. You were subtle, but still it's clear the dead man isn't the curate. And why the curate would fake his death is still a mystery... a good thing!

In chap 2 I hit a number of minor glitches.

You have the phrase "opened the door" twice in the paragraph describing Phyllis's arrival at the curate's.

Not sure I like the placement of the flashback between Phyllis and friend. Liked the dialogue though... maybe they could be walking along talking about the vicar and curate and then they part and Phyllis opens the door (once) and discovers the body.

You use terms like FLO, DC, DCI without explaining them. Since I'm a Midsomer Murders fan, I know what DC and DCI are, but FLO stumped me, and might stump others as well. You're also inconsistent in writing them as DC vs D.C.

I was a bit bothered that the police referred to the vicar as Tony.

Statement that the prayer shawl was left over from a previous viewing is only a supposition on the Vicar's part, not a certainty.

The detail about the genitals being mutilated... at first the sentence structure made it seem you were saying that Tony could see that, but I expect he could only see the head injuries. I think the genital information might have more impact presented later.

I would suggest just a bit more subtlety with regards to the vicar's take on the FLO. You've laid the groundwork (very nicely) for me to be on the lookout for a woman for Tony. So let me (as reader) do some of the work... you could have him think something like it was an odd job in which to find an attractive young woman. For me, voluptuous is an over the top word, perhaps better employed later.

Chap 3

Down at heel – down-at-heel?

I found it extremely odd that Phyllis would work at 7:30 on a Sunday eve unless she also fixed the curate's supper perhaps?

You have a mix-up in the sequence of events. You have part of the court proceedings before Tony makes it through security and into the courtroom.

For the courtroom bit, you could also play more than you have with Phyllis's testimony. She appears to be a garrulous woman. She could try to get going in a colorful way on a number of topics where she would have to be cut off.

You are a good writer, and this is an intriguing story. I plan to back it and come back to read more.

Ann Warner – Absence of Grace

"A solution to a riddle." Intriguing. Great introduction to the first chapter. It moves the reader right along and I can see you have written it thoroughly so the reader isn't hooked up by any mistakes or awkward phrases. "The sins of the flesh led to everlasting damnation." Interesting. I really like this sentence. It had this dark creepy feeling that is always fun to read. The only thing I can really note on is I feel you almost don't have enough detail. i feel like I am moving from place to place and not really seeing the world you are trying to create. Maybe if you added just a bit more detail to where your character is, it would really help with the image your reader produces, because at the moment I just see a strange guy in a place I know nothing about. I am a little confused as to why Peter just comes out and says his name after he talks about paint. It just seemed a bit abrupt, something I would look at because I feel it could use a better transition. "bloody barber." Funny. Overall I find your story a little witty and it moves along just fine. I really think with the right audience you will do great. Best of luck.

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

Intriguing... an evil clergyman faking his own death. Pitch promises an interesting story - I've read three chapters so not sure where everything's going at this point.

I felt chapter one was too rushed - not enough side detail... chapter two and it's starting to find its pace but this chapter is very brief... chapter three and the pace, for me, is much better. Story still moving but now we have observations, scenery detail, and I feel the story's coming together at this point.

Pitch could do with breaking up a bit. One huge para is hard on the eyes when reading online.

"Holy Disorder"-Digby Fletcher. I read the 1st 4 chapters and scanned 5-6 and several comments. In some ways this reads like an Earl Stanley Gardner book - interesting approach - stars for that. Some thoughts: long pitch - suggest you add "must" before "find resources..." - puts reader in suspense do they or don't they?; chapter 1 - "Curate loved...." has extra line that breaks up sentence - a thought - "The curate hated bugs. He got great satisfaction from squishing beetles." might work better; suggest tramp's instincts would warn him against curate so maybe "Surely a clergyman could be trusted." might work; suggest you put "(F.L.O.)" after or don't use later in chapter; chapt 5 has several paras in a row starting out with "She" - suggest changing that.

Hope this helps!

Gideon ("Thrill Writer's Remorse")

Dear Digby,

I found 'Holy Disorder' very enjoyable to read a great mystery story, 5***** rated. Good luck in the future.

Eddie

A workmanlike cover and a title that gives a flavour of what to expect, which is good. Short pitch is fine though I'm not sure about 'zany', particularly as you've called this 'literary fiction'. Long pitch invites me to sit back and enjoy. Sounds like it'll be a romp.

Chapter one. Whitgift Centre? We're in Croydon? Yes! It's mentioned a few lines further down. Excellent. Too few thrillers start in Croydon. His thoughts about the tramp explain why he's bought the shaving gear and why he's been careful not to get his own fingerprints on it. The story continues with just enough predictability to feel comfortable, but also with a few unexpected details to keep the interest. Very readable. There are a few typos - missing full stops at the end, and one or two formatting glitches - but nothing major.

Chapter two. I've been reading some books that take whole paragraphs to describe people in the minutest detail. You, on the other hand, pick up on one or two telling points and leave it at that. I can't tell you what a relief this is. I'm particularly fond of the description of Ivy. 'a small woman with a pasty face, and the words 'Ron' tattooed on her upper right arm.' (Of course, if I were to be picky, I would point out that 'Ron' is one word so you don't need the plural).

Chapter three. Carries the story on perfectly satisfactorily. I like the pace. There's no padding; it's good, straightforward storytelling. Is it literary fiction? No, not in my view. Too plot-driven rather than character-driven. 'Stuff' is happening all the time. It's crime fiction initially, and may well have elements of thriller and/or romance as it goes along, but I don't think you do it any favours by calling it lit fic. You might put people off who don't want to read anything too heavy.

This is a fun read, which is exactly what I expected from the long pitch. Definitely entertaining, and the sort of thing I'd read cover-to-cover in just a few sittings if I had the paperback in my hand.

I read your first chapter. I love that it starts right off with the dialogue. I am partial to bringing in the reader this way. You have developed your writing style well, and it is a pleasure to read. The sentences seem smooth and the dialogue natural. I am giving you high stars for creativity and your excellent use of showing and not telling. Good luck with your book!

Best,

Ashley
'Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket'

- Holy Disorder -

(Chapters 1-3)

The premise for this seems highly original, a comedy crime novel with overtones of religion. From where I’ve read to, it’s of course difficult to get a sense of the overall structure and execution of the novel but those chapters I went through were well written and delivered a lot of vivid and convincing scenes. The courtroom scene belies the author’s own professional background of course but it manages to be convincing without dumping too much information on the reader, never a given.

The characterization of Tony is good in that we learn about him naturally through his interaction and dialogue with the other characters. The author clearly has knowledge of the workings of the church too as the portrayal of Tony’s role as vicar is both effortless and convincing.

I have some minor editorial nitpicks but nothing major.

-‘his own beggar’s smile,….’ (chapter one)
----The comma seems out of place.

-‘Thank you sir.’ (chapter one)
----Terms of address in speech should be capitalized and preceded by a comma. So, ‘Thank you, Sir.’

-‘He had a comfortable life-dull….’ (chapter two)
----I’m assuming the above is a typo with the hyphen out of place.

-She said, ‘That’s it now Reverend.’ (chapter two)
----The ‘She said’ is unnecessary and can be omitted as it’s clear both from context and content that it’s the police officer speaking. There should also be a comma before ‘Reverend’, as it is a term of address.

As I say, these are all very minor editorial nitpicks. The story and the writing seem solid to me.

All the best with it,

Ross

i have a rule, if it is interesting enough to keep me reading past the first couple chapters then I will back it, so i will back this, give me a day or two though, i want to be fair to a few people i have on my bookshelf before I switch them out, but i assure it will get it on my shelf, i will give it lots of stars for now, i find the set up clever and not over done, i guess you could have thrown in some more descriptive passages and used less 'be' verbs but that might have went against the piece which relies some on understatement and sarcasm, best wishes with everything, will you take a look at my piece "sound not heard" if you get a chance

Dear Digby,

You have very impressive instincts as a writer and I can tell, as a writer, you are also well-read. You have a natural (or very well-learned) ability to deliver rise and fall in your paragraphs -using shorter and longer paragraphs and sentences to manipulate the reactions you want from the reader. You have an excellent rhythm -the paragraphs have a real roundedness (if that's a word) and shape which is very satisfying for the reader. Your characterisation is economic and evocative. I especially like the opening paragraph to chapter three -the kind you feel very satisfied after hitting the 'return' button!

I have almost no quibbles up until chapter four where, I think perhaps you were on a roll with your writing and in your mind's eye the images are there -but for the reader we need the gaps in imagery and scene setting to be filled in a little more. I did exactly the same thing in my book -it's an easy one to make. So I think you need to take a look at this chapter and possibly others following ( not have time to read sorry) and fill in the perceptual gaps in imagery. Slow it down -create mood from the setting -add actions to your dialogue to fine tune the characterisation. You do this beautifully in the preceding chapters so I think there will be no problem in fleshing this out.

On the whole, a very mature, well-structured read.
Six stars and very keen to read more -the premise is great.

Kaal Kaczmarek
Cousin Felicity and the Eels of Misty Point.

An excellent chunk of narrative. Moves quickly from Curate's motivation and includes a peek into his victim. I was not put off by the brutality of the assault, it deepened the need to understand what the Curate's grander scheme was.

I was prepared for someone to turn up dead, but I wasn't expecting a head bashing and genital mutilation. Not that I'm a fan of genital mutilation, but I love the unexpected so I just had to continue on to three. The conversation in three was well written. "A down at heel air" must be a British phrase, haven't heard it before. I took it to be the American equivalent of down and out.
I hope I can make it back for more, I let you know when I do
Good luck.
BS
HH

Digby,
I like your writing style. Only one line gave me pause, after reading 3 times I finally got it. You might reread and see if you think it needs to be worded differently. If no one else has mentioned it then it may just be me. It's the line that starts--
"His mind had become a place . . .
I'll read on as I'm anxious to see what happens next.
BS
HAKTAW HEART

I read your first three chapters.

General comments: A gripping start. A creepy, fascinating main character. Good descriptions. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) An intriguing opening line.
2) 'Thank you sir, a few more of those and I'll eat tonight.' Comma after 'you.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are many more cases in the three chapters I read where you address someone in dialogue but didn't offset their name or title with commas.
3) 'The curate loved to take life' ratcheted up the tension nicely.
4) ' ... you won't recognize yourself in 15 minutes.' Spell out numbers 1-99. There is another case where you should spell out the number.
5) 'Don't mind if I do'. The period goes inside the closing quote mark.
6) Excellent end of chapter hook. Who wouldn't turn the page after reading that line?

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) She turned the key in the Yale lock and opened the door.' Phyllis 'opened the door' in the preceding sentence too.
2) 'Tony was conscious of unfamiliar smells.' When you mention 'smellls' try to characterize them. Were the smells medicinal? Putrid? Pine (from cleaning fluid)? When you characterize smell, it pulls the reader further into the scene.
3) 'Give me a ring tomorrow if you want any more help', The comma goes inside the closing quote mark.

Specific comments on the third chapter:
1) 'At 10 am precisely the coroner entered his court. '10 am' should be '10 a.m.' or, better yet, 'ten a.m.'
2) 'He felt alone and exposed.' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe how he felt so vividly the reader will experience it along with Tony. When you do this, the reader will be drawn deeper into your story.
3) 'As I said, he kept to himself,' Tony hated these questions. Period after 'himslef.'

I hope this critque helps you further polish your all important opening chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Have a beautiful day.

Al

Dear Digby, this is a very good book. I have read to chapter six having done a burner in no time. So its fast and skillfully crafted. The POV's might need a little more enhancement. We want to see them and also to get into their heads. Its the hardest thing all of us struggle with. But when its executed well, the book really stands out as a polished, unputdownable read. Good end of chapter hooks by the way. I have it w/l for later backing when space comes available. Claire, Chasing Pharaohs.

Hi Digby,

You've done a really good job of creating compelling characters - both Smitham and Goddard. And the killing is vivid so the reader is immediately engaged in the plot.

I do have suggestions that I think might make this even stronger. First, I wondered why there were initial capitals for mortuary and laundromat. Unless you're giving them names - Smith's Laundromat, they shouldnt be capitalized. I also wondered about the term tramp. I'm American, so I could be totally wrong about this, but that word is very much out of favor - we say homeless people.

I think that some of the descriptions are a little bland. "That's terrible" is Goddard's reaction to the curate's murder. I'd like to see you describe the sick feeling in Goddard's stomach, the bile rising in his throat, his shock - shock - at this murder. The same goes for when he identifies the body. He goes in, says, yes, that's he and pouf- we're done! Wring some drama out of those scenes, please.

I am a big believer in the writer's maxim "show, don't tell" and I found some "telling." For example, "voluptuous body." Why not: Her uniform clung to her curves and he could tell she knew she was having an effect on him by the way she met his gaze head-on." And "squashing a beetle gave him please" could read: He often went looking for beetles on the sidewalk, so he could lower his heel, ever slow slowly, enjoying the crunching sound as the insect's life was extinguished."

You do have a compelling story and with a bit of work I think you could have terrific read.

Thanks again for supporting Animal Cracker.

All my best,
Andi

I read the first 2 chapters. Great vivid descriptions. My first thought was the tramp would be the one who dies only to find out the second chapter tells us otherwise. Well done. I also love the cover. which drew me in. I have rated the book and hope to get back to it shortly.
Red

Hello Digby

Returned to sip more knowledge from your book's chapter 2:

[Don’t worry officer. I know grief is hard to bear. They wouldn’t be human if they didn’t react.’] - true.

[“He answered mechanically- date of birth, address, other formal details, which became a blur] – likewise I, and guess for many non-paralegals, find this information, which is always asked immaterial and consequential. Thank you featuring it here too.

“... Not only was he shocked at what he had seen, but also at his own thoughts.” – good end of chapter 2 – leaving us curious to read on.

Excellent live scenarios of killings and murders even in church by church people – the devil on the cross. I cited such true scenario in my book, "Destined to Triumph" CHAPTER 27(26): A RIGHTEOUS PERSON MAY FALL SEVEN TIMES, BUT HE GETS UP AGAIN. It may interesting to peep there.

Julius B [Destined to Triumph]

Hello Digby,

Comment on the pitch and chapter one:

Tags and phrases in the pitch, such law abiding vicar, curate, crime, espionage, murder, mysterious and alluring journalist, odd and dangerous characters, oddest of all, dead, involved in a deadly political game, riddle, etc are all inviting read your thriller.


“… beaming his special clergyman’s smile at the tattered man on the pavement. … The tramp looked up, and gave his own beggar’s smile” – the comparison is an enchanting start-up whistle-blow

“What a farce these services were. He didn’t believe in God, or even the Devil. He believed in himself” – nice piece.

The invitation by the curate to his place, the good seats the tramp falls into, the nice food, the shave, the liquors to the tramp are all like a gold chain in a pig’s neck as in the Bible's Proverbs 17:17, “Of what use is money in the hand of a fool, since he has no desire to get wisdom?”

Very interesting read. Bravo.

I will read on.

Julius B.

Gold stars """"""
Hi Digby. The first line of your story certainly grabbed my attention, which I guess is its purpose, although I did wonder later if it would be an idea to to hide the curate's character and evil intention, before suddenly revealing the nastiness behind the godly exterior, as he does away with the tramp? Just a thought, although I can see from all the favourable comments and support that you have received so far that the current structure obviously works. Fast-paced and funny. I'm hooked and have put you on my WL to read more.
Kat x Hens from Hell
ps I'll back your book tomorrow.

Holy Disorder
Fiction, 3rd person multiple

Pitch: I'd suggest rewording the short pitch.

Long Pitch: It's okay. I'd recommend breaking it into more paragraphs.

Premise: A law abiding vicor decides to solve the mystery of his clergyman's demise, with follies to follow. Comedy is always a terrific genre' and this is a unique and interesting twist.

Chapter 1: While the first words are fetching, the following paragraphs are disjointed and confusing. There are some issues with mechanics, such as spacing and punctuation, some missing commas. Also, there are times when a shift in POV takes the reader out of the story into the past history (IMO, the tramp's POV isn't pertainent. It doesn't really matter why he is where he is). In the final paragraph, the POV shifts from Peter's (thought) to the narrator's observation.
These are just quick observations.

I'd recommend revisiting the first Chapter and structuring it in chronilogical order. Leave out the tramp's POV completely.

When writing a character's specific thought, use italics.

Show rather than tell. Let the reader see what the character sees rather than explaining it ... For example the last paragraph: With narrowed eyes, Peter gazed steadily at the sleeping tramp and imagined antenne sticking out of the clean and freshly trimmed hair. Amuzed, he inspected the slack jaw as the tramp's breath heaved past his thin lips in a burly snore.

Rather than telling the reader that Peter likes to kill bugs, show him swatting flies and stomping ants and snickering about their demise. Show his hypocrisy and let the reader draw the conclusion that he doesn't walk the talk. And, use his name more frequently. Irony is a powerful tool and subtle irony is even better. So use it.

Also, it might be a good idea to give the tramp a name, leads to credibility. Peter, in seeking the tramp's confidence, would certainly want to call him by his name.

While the above probably sounds harsh, I hope it helps. The first chapter is so very important. I think it deserves a word-by-word examination. Each and every word must be organized precisely to engage the reader and flow logically. The MS has a great deal of promise and there is certainly a great deal of talent shining through in this work. It has an element of humor and intrigue that is hard to capture. So it's a great start!
Raechel
Echo

Your pitch drew me in and i'm glad it did. It was a great read and I hope it goes far.
Leslie
"Love has no borders"

First must comment on book cover , i just love it! have put on Wl for further reading. If you would be so kind and take a look at Illusion of Comfort
Regards, Michelle

Dearest Digby,
I'm a new girl on Authonomy, though I eased onto the site before actually setting up my profile--so not brand new. Anway, I see that your work certainly generates a lot of comments--to your credit. I'm not a writer, but I love to read, and I find your work outrageously fun. However, being a woman who advocates good fashion sense, I do wish you spent a little time describing the curate's outfit that this unfortunate man had to put on. I assume it's pretty bland, but I do love to read about clothes. Well, that's me. BTW, great last line to chapter one. I've read through three so far. You've certainly got my attention, dear sir. I shall read on, perhaps tomorrow.
Best,
Bea

Hello Digby
I've read several chapters of Holy Disorder and am relieved to find your writing highly enjoyable. I like the black comedy style as it appeals to my own sense of humour. The plot is involved with a lot of characters hitting you early on, but then, the hardest games to learn are the most enjoyable to play.
You might want to read thru the book again because there are some odd gaps in the spacing and tabs etc.. Just a minor point. But as I say, an enjoyable read that could find a publisher.
Regards, Robert Smith