Diary of a Womanizer

A very well crafted introduction, Chris. I like the fact that Seth is written in the first person, makes us understand him more, his thoughts and conflicts. The beginning of the story is one that most of us can relate to, getting in trouble with our parents and falling for someone but conflicted about it. You write very well without too much shifting of point of view, but most importantly we all want to read more.

This is a well written and interesting beginning. I'm not sure about the YA category.

Backed.

El
Reckless Scarlett

i have backed your book thanks

Sorry it took so long to comment. Love your cover, and the title fits perfectly. Seth's voice is very clear. I hope he shows some redeeming qualities later in the story, or learns some, but he is definitely interesting. Good luck with this.

Hi Chris - Sorry about the delay but I just got round to checking out the first three chapters of 'Diary Of A Womanizer' as promised.
Great cover pic obviously! Curious pitch - rather than give the reader a run down on whats going to happen why not just sketch out the motives and feelings of the main character. The story was a little difficult to get into until one remembers that the first person narrative is that of a jumped up 22 year old! That aside the short punchy chapters work for me as do the characters and scenes. Backed with pleasure.
Adrian Lee

Chris, I guess I've grown out of this type of book. It reminded me of a of a series of books that were around when I was in my twenties which were called 'Confessions of ....' with the antics of various people. Being English I struggled a bit with your use of the English language. You need a lot of editing. One paragraph had four uses of the word 'something'. Another had thought instead of though. I couldn't understand why Chloe gave Seth her phone number when she had just given him a look that could kill - or does it turn out not to be her phone number? By the end of the first chapter I knew nothing about Seth other than he did not et on with his family and he was 22 and drives an expensive car. How can he afford this? What does he do for a living? And maybe it's just something that is done in America, but I would use 1 am, not 1 AM. But maybe that's just me.
Kristen Stone
Kianda Mala - The Monkey Man

Chris: This is an interesting setup of relationships between mother, stepfather, and Logan. I can already see the minefield that Seth exists within. Good narrative and character development. Shelved. Best always, Tim Greaton

Chris, Got your message two weeks ago, trying to catch up to a lot of old messages (30+ days). Have you on my watch list and will rotate you to the shelf soon. thanks.

James - INTO THE DELTA

Hi Chris,
You've got an interesting story here, For what it's worth, I can only reinterate what others have said in past comments:
You need to provide the reader with a main character we care about in some way. I don't mean he has to be "nice". He can be the ultimate "Bad Boy" but there has to be something about him that makes us read on to find out what happens to him. It might be to see his downfall or get his just deserts or perhaps discover how he changes, but there has to be some sort of hook. Just talking on a personal basis, there isn't enough about Seth for me to read on, though I accept I'm probably not your target audience (I'm a middle aged woman)!
But the idea is good. I see from yoor pitch Seth may have to change. So there really is potential in this and if you could add a little more to his character, make him more rounded and reveal his feelings more, this story would improve immensely.
Others have commented about the grammar and the need for an edit, just to reduce the typos and sort out the tenses. Again, if you did that, the story would improve dramatically.
In a way, this is exciting, because your dialogue is fresh and convincing and you have the basis for a good piece of work. By making these changes, you could produce a story editors may be interested in.
The best of luck with this..
Cherry G.
The Girl From Ithaca.

Hi Chris,

You have a great story here that will appeal to your target audience very well. Seth is a character that we can both hate and love at the same time. All you need to do is a little touch-up editing and this work could go far. Good luck and best wishes.

Backed 100%

Patrick Armstead
Dark Lands

Full of good ideas and good characters. Like several others who've commented, I have to admit that the reading jarred a little because of the darting about between past and present tense. For example: 'As we're talking, I sliipped her this napkin with my phone number' should be: 'As we were talking I slipped her this napkin.' or: 'As we're talking, I slip her this napkin'. All you need to do is a bit of editing because your dialogue is believeable and good and you pace is great.
Backed with pleasure and lots of luck.
Anna (Black Damask)

Great pace and dialogue. I am happy to back this. Colin

Is there anything redeeming, eventually, about this pair of rotters? Do they fall to earth, I hope?

Hi Chris,

Your premise sounds interesting.

“Yes you are, Seth… an automatic firing quick rounds(,)” said Maria. I replaced the period with a comma because you follow the dialogue with a tagline. I noticed this error continues throughout the book. A simple edit can fix it.

The tense issues were a little disorienting, but I can still see the potential in the story. I would have liked to have engaged more with the characters, but as I said, with a little polishing, you’ll be on the right track.

I still enjoyed reading the book and think its worth the read. I have no doubt you’ll get great feedback on this site that will help you develop the book. It certainly helped me, so keep pushing.

Shinzy :)

Hi Chris,

Interesting... I'm backing this because I think there's a good story there - but I'm a bit gutted that this is the second book I've read on this site that uses my very name for a servant/maid/cleaner type character! I'd prefer to be a princess. Or a really cool witch. Thanks.

Anyway, back to you. One point I'd like to make is that I found your tenses a little confusing... You use 'he said / she said' after reported speech, but then the story continues in present tense and it feels a little weird; except when you start a paragraph with "When I walked into the house, I see my mum..." I'm not sure whether you're detailing events as they unfurl or if you're recounting a tale that's already happened!
There are some other grammatical errors, like mixing up your and you're, and using conditionals when you should be using past-perfect tenses; but this can all be rectified with a good read-through.

Also, I think, when your characters are speaking, it might be more realistic if they use subject-verb contractions. We rarely say "I would say...", "you have brainwashed..." it'd be I'd & you've. And perhaps you should keep those contractions even during the narrative - you're writing in first-person, which is pretty informal, so why not keep it consistent.

And right at the beginning when Maria is explaining to Seth about his step-father, I found her use of the 'automatic firing quick rounds' analogy unrealistic. Would a house-keeper really know what type of guns shot quick-fire rounds? Maybe she could say something like, "He sounded like a gun, the way he was shooting off all your bad points." (Unless, of course, it turns out later that she's a gun-nut). Or maybe Seth can make the automatic anology in his head because he's likely heard it before.

Oh! And you can't use the very impersonal pronoun 'this' when you're about to describe a woman. Use 'she' please, or there will be serious feminist repercussions!

So yes, backed for it's potential, but it needs editing and tidying - then it will be a very enjoyable read!

Maria.

Hey Chris,
I've just briefly read the synopsis and openging of your book. I'd love to say that the topic you are working on is a pretty good one. However, as I read into it more, I found myself having a hard time following up with the whole thing, and as many a reader here says, a cause has been problems with the language. To be more precise, I mean, the tense. The title of your book is a really eye-catchy one, synopsis fascinating, making people want to know more. My advice would be to polish your writing a little with more engaging descriptions of the characters and to refine the language, the tense. That would be way much nicer.Still backed.
Cheers,
CJ

Chris,

This is your first book and I write my Comment in the spirit of attempting to be helpful - as I do with all Authonomy authors. You have very good writing ability and a flair for description of place and human attitudes. Your book is well formed in that it has a beginning, a middle and an end. Even so, your text is difficult to read in a flowing pace that most readers interested in your book would expect. I read several Chapters and your grammar is often disjunctive and a sort of mumble reminding me of Marlon Brando speaking his lines in the movie: On the Waterfront. There it was OK because of the context. Here, I am being charitable when I say you have an unusual writing "style" where the written and spoken word are not as separate and distinctive as they should be. For example in Chapter 7 - " ..and a girl talking on the phone on one of the park benches that looked upset. This is clumsy and irritating to the reader. Correction: " ...and a girl, on one of the park benches, looked upset and was talking on the 'phone." That's better. Try reading your book aloud to friendly listeners. You have a lot of work to do.. I have Watchlisted, Shelved, Backed your book and trust my Comment - made blind of all others - will encourage you in advancing your book through editorial scrutiny and ultimately to market.

Tony Brady - SCENES FROM AN EXAMINED LIFE - Books 1,2 & 3.

Hey. This has an interesting tone to it, but I'm not sure if it's deliberate. There were a lot of moments were it felt there needed to be a natural pause, and other moments were there was a pause, but it didn't feel right. 'He could tell something was wrong by the way, I looked'. It reminds me of Johnny Depp's narrative in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, which can work, but it can confuse and irritate after a while.
I do like the premise, and it seems this is getting a lot of support, so good luck with it.

Alex

Dear Chris

You will need to go through and check the tenses again.
regarding your characters can you speak a bit more about them?
I had to do the same with my transcript - unfortunately I had to go through my script more than 10 times, eventually I had to ask my hubby to do it too! I got there in the end.
Please don't be discouraged.
Lydia

Hi Chris,

Here's my opinion (for what it's worth) because I'm a designer not a writer :)

I noticed the changes in tenses and other errors but I'm assuming this is a first draft and I'm sure you're editing. But I did notice near the end of the first chapter (when Chloe and her friend come in) that you refer to Chloe several times as 'this' - not good - you'll alienate we feminine readers for sure. It should really be 'she' or 'this woman'.

I think there are a lot of interesting things going on here, but for me, I want to know more about Seth (great name btw). I want to know what he does for a living, what he likes - is he a likeable person? He seems like some kind of playboy at the moment, which again, could alienate people. If you could flesh out your chapters with more information, you could have something good going on here.

I'm backing your book to support it :)

Best of luck,
Berni
Fledgling and Renegades

Quick questions-
Why did he give up on Chloe so quickly? He had her number, why didn't he call?
Also, how does he spend his days? Does he just party? Attend school? Any job/Charity Work?

Yes, good premise, promising a lot. Keep it up, Chris
Cheers,
M

I think all the comments that came to my mind have already been said. You jump tenses a lot which makes the story difficult to follow. As said by others, show more rather than tell in your work. As readers, we need to have a reason as to why we should relate to your main character. If you tell us about someone, the chances are we won't relate to the main character. Show us why your main character is someone we should be interested in.

Overall, its a good start. Clean up some of the tense issues and show more, but otherwise I found it interesting and worth further reading.

Best,

Matthew

A good premise, but needs more structure. We need to care a little more for Seth. Right now, he's a spoiled rich kid who takes his place in life for granted. I agree with many of the previous comments. Show more, tell less. Choose a tense and stay there. Let Seth come out of his head a little and explore his world more with fresh eyes.
Ellen

Only a few suggestions:

1. your pitch could use a little more flow. it seems like you were sort of bored with telling us about it and your sentences are quick and short.

2. watch out with your POV, when you first start out you are writing as things are happening (which is a little odd in my personal opinion for a diary account) but as you begin dialogue, you used past tense (like asked)

3. also try Anti-Seth :)

After a bit of an edit this story can go a long way. A lot of women (and men I'm sure) would really read this to familiarize it with their lives too. backed for support!

Brittany
My Last Notes

I think you have the bones of a good story here, maybe some stylistic improvements would help it to flow better? Instead of telling the reader what happens next, let them see what happens next.

Hi,
Just taken a quick look and will read more when I have the chance. Like the fact that you get straight into the meat of the matter but just beware of switching between past and present tenses.

Hi Chris. I read some of this before and couldn't decide what was wrong. I went away for a day or so and came back again. Now I know what I felt, or better, didn't feel. Don't take anything I say too personal because (1st) I hold no writing degrees, (2nd) whatever I say is just my opinion, nothing more, and (3rd) There's nothing to say I know what I'm talking about. That out of the way here I go.

It's too much like reading a journal most of the time. I can't get a feeling for the characters or the setting. The people are bland and the surroundings unreal. The work is well written as far as the writing goes, but as I said it is like reading a journal most of the time. It needs some work to get it up to speed in my eyes. Sorry for being so blunt.

it's like a diary but it tells a story and its a real page turner. fascinating read ;)

DIARY OF A WOMANIZER needs a lot of work, Chris, before I will back it.

Eileen Schuh Canadian Author FIREWALLS

Not the kind of story I would normally read, but I like trying new things and rather liked it. The writing itself needs some work. Am backing anyway.

I only had a chance to read the first part. It is a good story about a man learning how to be a man, but the text is a little choppy. You might try reading it aloud; however, you have talent and a good idea. Keep working at it and good luck.

Drew Pate

Not my normal kind of read, but something that strikes home. This guy lived the kind of life in his twenties, some of us DID, and some of us wished we did! Well written, and well portrayed. Of course personally I was a good boy and never did things like this ;-).

Once this is more fully edited I may take another look. As it stands, it needs lots of work at the sentence level.

Best wishes,
Bill

Like you, I would love to have a publisher and turn my book into a film. But we can't just wish, we have to really try and forget about the many that have turned us down.
I like the beginning of your story as I only read the first chapter. I wonder whether you will agree with me when I say I feel it would be better written in the third person. Perhaps it is only me that thinks these things, The story is good and the characters come alive, I am backing this as I hope it will reach the top.
Take a look at mine, Three Stayed Home a WW2 adventure and love story. Different to yours in story and tense, I hope you enjoy it and help me up as well. JohnJ

Chris, there's a good mix of narrative and dialogue in that first chapter. Also liked your first-person narrative voice. Good job on this.

Happy to back your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

looks like an interesting book, i'm putting you in my WL...

Regards
Anil Antony

Chapter 1

You have an interesting premise here that of a being a womanizer. I think you need more depth to your writing. Your main character Seth isn't charming or dasterdly enough to make me care about him. You need a better voice for Seth one that is cynical, sensitive or may sincere, I find Seth a one dimensional character. Good luck with your writing and I am shelving because the story of a womanizer has literary potential.

Julia Rush
My Parallel Universe

An interesting concept, one I hope doesn't mirror your own life too much. I have to admit I didn't read much of it. I tend to get bogged down by errors and while I understand editors have much to contribute to an author's work, I thought I'd point some out to you. It might make the people at the top read further than I did.

Here are my thoughts:
Personally, I never use 'you' in narration. I hate when people try to tell me, the reader, what I think. That might just be a personal peeve.

"Yes you are, Seth, your Stepfather's...giving all your bad points like an automatic firing quick rounds." said Maria. Couple of errors in here. 1. "Yes you are, Seth" is a full sentence, so end it with a period, not a comma. Stepfather should not be capatalized. "...an automatic firing quick rounds" is a little baffling. Maybe an automatic weapon? Automatic can be a abjective or a noun, hence my confusion. Lastly, with the tag 'said Maria' coming us, you need a comma after rounds, not a period.

"Maria yelled". I wouldn't yell. I'd snap, I'd sharply correct, I'd bark... Anything that was more reflexive than yelling.

"Sorry, Marie, but I'm 22 for Christ's sake!" I said out of relief. Relief? Relief of what? The words sound exasperated, not relieved.

..."pile of last nights clothes catch my foot..." Last nights clothes needs an apostrophe after night (it's last night's clothes, in the possessive). You need a comma after clothes to make the list.

So if you're looking for ways to strength your presentation, there are some suggestions. Some can be applied throughout the story. Of course, feel free to ignore me completely. These are just my suggestions.

Good luck. I think your story has good potential, but might need some polishing first.

And I'd be pleased if you had a moment to look at Stand.

Shakat
Stand

I am putting your book on my watch list and will back it soon. Thanks, Randall (More Adventures Of Junior)

EVERYONE!! I have updated Chapter 1, please check it out! :)

Very interesting book!
Tommy Mann, Asleep in Heaven's Nursery

I enjoyed this. There are a few things, like repeating words; for instance "We each have a key to each other's place" could be "We each have a key to the other's place".

Also, in chapter 5, "per say" should be "per se".

That said, I liked it enough to reach chapter 5! With the fast cars, the wealth, and the girls it reminded me so much of my own life ... NOT!

Backed!

Robin

Nice read - I like hearing the voice of the "bad boy" for a change. Haven't I met this guy before...? ;)
On my shelf! Write on!
D.C. Grace
The Sacred Oath

I agree with some other comments - it's refreshing to read this kind of story from a guy's perspective. Interestingly dealt-with relationships too.
Backed.
Bill Booker.

In you first paragraph you switch tenses, from present to past tense.
Chapter 3 : I then turned to her – you don’t need - then.
All the chic lit I’ve seen so far has been about girls and their views, nice to see a man’s perspective.
A great story with good characters. Happy to back.

Anthony
Aqua Omega

Hi Chris

It was interesting to read from a guy's perspective for a change which made this refreshing. Good characters and interesting story.
Backed with pleasure
Sarah T-cup and the Dream Team Fairies

Hi there.

This kind of book has always been monotonous to me, a clichéd fiction romance that was written in a average manner - well this was a breath of fresh air.

Great characterisation, really pulled me into the life of the characters from the very start - well written.

Thank you for recommending this to me, I shall be BACKING and reading more

Gina-Louise (Fallen - Based on a true myth)

I started this some time ago and sure we backed each other. I feel however this is worth it all again. original and written with a style that is unique. Wish you all the success that you deserve - andy and vesna
When Spirits Break Free

Bring on the Guy Lit--Chick Lit is BORING, even to some chicks. Your style made me thing of Ellis' RULES OF ATTRACTION. Backed!

Donna (The Darklands)