A Guardian of Innocents

Jeff
Just finished all nine chapters, and what a read it is!!
Who is the man dressed in black? This question caused me to keep reading, hoping that the answer would present itself, what a brilliant hook!
The best thing about this book, is although it dark and somewhat sadistic, it doesnt go to in depth with scenes that are uncomfortable to many readers, which I think intensifies and strengthens the story rather than dilluting it.

I love the dark nature of it, the justification behind the crimes Phil creates is a welcome change from many other crime/horror books, and I find helps you to relate more with him. He is warped, scarred and a bit twisted, but he cares about others that have been harmed, wants justice for them, and has actual feelings.
An excellent start to an engrossing read, I cant wait for more chapters.
Backed with pleasure

Bron

The Endless Awakening

A Guardian of Innocents is chilling, graphic and brilliant. Although the subject of serial killers and to some extent child molesters is less of a taboo today with popular TV shows like Dexter more the norm, its still a touchy subject that might make the book difficult to sell. However, author Jeff Orton writes about these horrors in a way that will keep you reading.

The interesting thing is that for all its gore, A Guardian of Innocents is also packed with a unique kind of humor, like when Jeshua is trying to decide what to say to his girlfriend in chapter nine and cant decide between “I just tortured and killed a guy and I can’t stop thinking about you” and “Have you ever seen what exposed testicles look like? They’re nasty!” The humor is not for everyone, but it fits perfectly here with the gritty nature of the story. I don’t really know if the mysterious ghost-like figure that torments/helps Jeshua is real or in the main character’s mind, but its presence adds a unique element to the already unique story.

The dialog is quite strong and has a way of making fantastic topics like telepathy seem commonplace and believable. And the relationship between Jeshua and other characters in the book is fascinating.

I think a novel like this would have little problem finding an audience. It might have trouble finding a mainstream publisher willing to take a chance on such a still-dicey topic. And that is a shame, because in the end, this novel tells a good story in a fine way, and it deserves to be published.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

A Guardian of Innocence
Fiction 1st person

I've read through Ch 3 and will only comment to that extent.

Pitch - short pitch is very good. IMO, there isn't a need to repeat the short pitch in the long pitch.

Premise, a victim of abuse develops the ability to read minds and becomes a vigilante.

POV, 1st person, never falling into the "I Trap". This is an intense story with graphic details told in 1st person. Not for the faint hearted.

Plot: Well supported with action=reaction sequences. Strong structure.

Pacing: The tension in this novel creates a vibrant story line and the pages turn themselves. Even the back-story, recollections are well presented.

Mechanics: very well written. I didn't notice any glaring errors.

Characterizations: The MC's voice is very compelling, written with empathy for a tortured youngster. The bad guys are presented without cliche' (except perhaps Willy). Doris is a very poignent character.

Good hook at the end of each chapter.

Overall impression, IMO, this book is a well written and engaging book. Though it is graphic, it isn't gross and it addresses the social issue of child porn and sexual abuse deftly. Excellent use of visuals ground the reader while the mind reading maintains an air of mystery and fantasy. Bravo.
Raechel
Echo

Jeff,

I've just finished all six chapters of your excellent work. Thumbs up to you, and you have my backing on this great story.

I am a former social worker and counselor for kids living at a children's home. Most were sexually abused, and so I had an interest in your book. The read was strangely reminiscent of many of the counseling sessions with children of all ages. You nailed the emotions and the helplessness endured by "Jeshua".

You elevated the language to an acceptable level by not overusing expletives and ultra graphic sexual scenes. I thought you handled a very dark and very debauched subject very well.

Your writing style, highly developed crafting skills, and creative approach to storytelling all joined to produce and excellent work. This type genre is often exploited to be more erotica than it is the portrayal of life at some of its lowest ebbs. I congratulate you on not doing this.

I am very interested in the dark man manifestation. I have dealt with children who have very real unreal friends. Some have have experienced psychotic separations that produce reproductions of themselves which exhibit their weaknesses as strengths and in many cases have created thier own Sherlock Holmes champions of justice in a hopeless environment.

You maintained my interests and your credibility by remaining within the disciplined parameters of communicating what you know about what is real and staying away from weak attempts to convey those things you really know nothing about. That always comes through to the reader sooner or later.

I also liked the way you didn't apologize or try to defend the decisions made relative to the murders and allowed them to unfold as a natural process from an abused child that grew up with having his innocense betrayed by one who was responsible for their nurturing and safe keeping.

This book contains the stuff that brings a terrible social ill to light, and screams out a warning to the perps of our world that they may one day face temporal judgment for their sins. Especially if someone can read their mind. One last thing; you may not realize that children who are abused in this way develop a stong discernment of the intentions of perps. In a way, they learn to read minds.

PawPaw Mike LaRiviere
Eden's Door

A Guardian of Innocents resurrected bad memories. I really don't like Jack and Doris was as much to be blamed. Chapter one turned my stomach. Jack in my experience is my step mother, who was vile and depraved.

I just had to take a look at Guardian of Innocents as I love anything which has a psychic element (one of my main characters in my novel Pain has psychic abilities). You have dealt with a very sensitive subject in a skilful way and haven't overplayed it for shock value. The dialogue is skilful and well written. I like your writing style which kept me wanting to read on. Well done and six stars.

Kim (Pain)

The book is on my WL and i will be back with my comments in next couple of days.

Jeff, you have a powerful story here, and you tell it clearly and compellingly. I look forward to reading more.
David

I find your pitch/premise is pretty interesting. But, seeing as I cannot for some reason read this genre.Its jus something personal. Sorry. I apologize I will back it, soon and star it for now and just read the intro to give you some credit.

Thanks.

-Elora

Jeff,

Wow! I was planning to have quick scan and then come back at the weekend for the read... but you hooked me. I read through chapter 4, and enjoyed every sentence. It’s extremely well written, very graphic, very gripping, and full of emotion. And the psychic element, rather cleverly, provides some great depth to the first person narrative, without the need for POV changes. Fantastic.

High starred and WL’d!

Best,
J.

Hi Jeff
just read your first chapter and loved it. Good use of 1st person POV and nice voice. Flawless MS and I'm usually pretty discerning. No clunky sections and nice tension throughout. I have starred and added to my watchlist and will read more. Sorry no real crits to offer, but I wouldnt change a comma in this.
Top job
Derek
The Angel Chord

Nice read so far dark and twisted. Leave the reader wanting to read more. I can't wait to read further. Thanks for the excellent read.

Jeff,

Guardian of Innocents is a long way from my usual choice of reading material. But once I started, I couldn't stop. Certainly in the context of current events (Penn Stat for one), many readers will feel sympathetic toward Phil/Jeshua and consider his actions justified. The killing of the stepfather certainly seemed morally acceptable in light of what Phil knew the stepfather was planning. The killing of Galen is murkier, given that he tortured Galen and that Galen was apparently not continuing to threaten Kimber and Isaac. Still, despite moral quibbling, I found your story-telling compelling enough to back this.

Also enjoyed the psychic aspect.

Ann - Absence of Grace

hello Jeff-
book - a guardian of innocents--
read all nine chapters posted - suitable cover and really grim pitch here' a good indication
of what is to come,
And come it did' my God, this is one horrific and terrifying read.
A thriller darks so dark it make the bones shake with the horror of it all/

Jack the abuser and his wife Doris living in denial of what he is doing to the child.
i got so absorbed in this read that i had forgot to chick it this is a true story or not; if it is, god help you,
the people as described in their foul deals become so real in the mind as one reads.

in it's genre, this is one of the better dark tales on the site.
backed with pleasure
tom bye
from hugs to kisses'
oblige and read some of mine, CHAPTER 39 is dark and in a somewhat similar vein/

In general, I thought this was an engaging first chapter read. One thing that I saw that I would think about is repeating the "It's my fault" too many times. After the second time, the reader knows that it is being repeated. The third time becomes unnecessary(In my opinion). But, don't just change that because I noticed it as coming off as a little odd. The characterizations were nice, I could really picture what was going on in the story. You have a knack for that and it is one of your strengths. Be sure to play to that. Watch putting things in CAPS, it can be a little jarring. I think when you use them it would be just as effective without them. Something to think about. Good luck with this!

Best,
"Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket"

Ashley

Sure the story was good from the start and sure the idea of learning how Phillip becomes who he is today is entertaining and enlightening in some sense with being abused by his father, but it was only when his father whispered the simple words: “You’re taking a nap. Understood?” That I became completely engulfed in your story. That was the story pivot and it turned the pace for me.

The father and son incident was pretty powerful and what was even more so was Phillip and his mother. Him leaving to join another family member just showed that he was heading in a new path . . . an evil path that was starting to show up in the tone of the piece at the very end. This is a wonderful piece. I think you are the first person today I didn’t have to say to split the chapters in two. 6 stars. maybe sometime in the near future I can put you on my list but for now I have a list of few books that I promised first.

Sorry it took so long to return the read. I read only the first chapter. Very powerful. Full of emotion. It's hard to imagine the life the MC had to live through during his childhood. I can't believe that Doris chose to ignore it when most mother's I know would have killed the man right there. I'm happy to back this book and given high stars. You tell the story so well even though it is a very sensitive subject. Lots of luck.
Jennie Lyne Hiott
Hearts and Lies

- A Guardian of Innocents -

(Based on chapters 1-3)

Wow. This is really good. Generally, I don't do gushing but that's almost all I've got here. A Guardian of Innocents deals with an incredibly uncomfortable subject in a mature and accomplished manner. The narrative voice is intimate and human. The scenes are vivid and harrowing. The characters are incredily well drawn. And the tension and pacing is spot on, particularly in the third chapter. The paranormal element adds a great bit of extra spice to things.

Usually, my comments are quite long winded but there's not much I can offer in the way of constructive crit here. I couldn't even find a typo. The only small thing I noted was that I wondered whether Jeshua's decision to kill Jack was made a little too quickly and was a little too black and white. Speifically, I wondered why Jeshua didn't consider reporting Jack's abuse of him as a means of preventing his later acts. It would be perfectly possible for him to have a reason not to do this. I personally would have just liked to have heard this in the decision making process though.

That minor niggle aside, this is an excellent piece of work. One that shall be decorating my shelf as soon as I can manage it.

All the best with it,

Ross

A Guardian of Innocents is chilling, graphic and brilliant. Although the subject of serial killers and to some extent child molesters is less of a taboo today with popular TV shows like Dexter more the norm, its still a touchy subject that might make the book difficult to sell. However, author Jeff Orton writes about these horrors in a way that will keep you reading.

The interesting thing is that for all its gore, A Guardian of Innocents is also packed with a unique kind of humor, like when Jeshua is trying to decide what to say to his girlfriend in chapter nine and cant decide between “I just tortured and killed a guy and I can’t stop thinking about you” and “Have you ever seen what exposed testicles look like? They’re nasty!” The humor is not for everyone, but it fits perfectly here with the gritty nature of the story. I don’t really know if the mysterious ghost-like figure that torments/helps Jeshua is real or in the main character’s mind, but its presence adds a unique element to the already unique story.

The dialog is quite strong and has a way of making fantastic topics like telepathy seem commonplace and believable. And the relationship between Jeshua and other characters in the book is fascinating.

I think a novel like this would have little problem finding an audience. It might have trouble finding a mainstream publisher willing to take a chance on such a still-dicey topic. And that is a shame, because in the end, this novel tells a good story in a fine way, and it deserves to be published.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

A Guardian of Innocence
Fiction 1st person

I've read through Ch 3 and will only comment to that extent.

Pitch - short pitch is very good. IMO, there isn't a need to repeat the short pitch in the long pitch.

Premise, a victim of abuse develops the ability to read minds and becomes a vigilante.

POV, 1st person, never falling into the "I Trap". This is an intense story with graphic details told in 1st person. Not for the faint hearted.

Plot: Well supported with action=reaction sequences. Strong structure.

Pacing: The tension in this novel creates a vibrant story line and the pages turn themselves. Even the back-story, recollections are well presented.

Mechanics: very well written. I didn't notice any glaring errors.

Characterizations: The MC's voice is very compelling, written with empathy for a tortured youngster. The bad guys are presented without cliche' (except perhaps Willy). Doris is a very poignent character.

Good hook at the end of each chapter.

Overall impression, IMO, this book is a well written and engaging book. Though it is graphic, it isn't gross and it addresses the social issue of child porn and sexual abuse deftly. Excellent use of visuals ground the reader while the mind reading maintains an air of mystery and fantasy. Bravo.
Raechel
Echo

Hi Jeff

I like your pitch, this is a great premise for a story. My comments are only as a reader so please feel free to ignore me :)

Your first paragraph is great and hooks me in. However, I got a bit confused with the 'Darkness enveloped my life...' being a section by itself. It felt like it would have read better with the first paragraph, almost as a semi prologue, before launching into his memory of his dad.

'Hell, I can't even hardly write it down...' - this jarred a little, I think it would read better as Hell, I can even hardly...The 'can't' seemed to stand out to me.

'I get this feeling of choking...' might read better as 'this choking feeling'?

The dad calling it 'our special hour' sounds very realistic, however, it was marred a little by saying that he never said so out loud. It made me wonder how Jeshua could have known that's what he called it? Personally, I think it would read much better without that, and would stop the reader from second guessing what he's saying.

Jeff, this is really chilling. The paragraph with the Vaseline made me shudder. I like that you've kept the language simple, it makes it even more brutal.

The story about his birth parents was good, but I'm wondering how he knew. Was it an open adoption? If not, you might want to expand on that.

Chapter 2 - I liked the rubber cheque thing. Right in the mind of a child, really good writing.

I read up to chapter 3, and I have to say, I really liked it. Your writing is good, a few grammatical errors, but this is thoroughly engrossing and very realistic. Really good.

Highly starred and I will back soon.

Silva

Jeff,

I felt so many emotions just in reading Chapter one, and really Phillip described them best with words like "choking and stomach quaking". Really his emotions were felt. When the mother walked in on adoptive dad and walked right out, well, that's the kind of thing that just makes you want to scream. The first person works well for this because Philip's narration is fantastic. It's going on my shelf!

Very powerful stuff. Love the first person perspective. It makes the event so real. I found Doris' reaction more painful than being sexually abused. Terrific story. 6 stars
Dina of Halo of the Damned and 33

This sounds really exciting. Backed and ready to read.
Dina of Halo of the Damned and 33

Jeff,

This is excellent, I sometimes wondered whether I was reading the files of a social worker. I particularly like your 'no punches', style of writing. This is on my watch list and soon to be on my shelf.
I will write more as I read more but you can take it that I am hooked.

I have given the book a mention in the forum thread, 'The Serial killer Klub'.

Phil - Danny Murphy.

I was drawn to this my some of the other comments written by friends. I have not read much yet I am sorry to say but you write well and I will return. For now, backed with generous star rating.

Pete

Jeff,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The first thing that jumps here is the style. Is a moment by moment perception where every moment is a dangling act promising the next to have the same urgency....

..... and that you deliver.

The jewel of the narrative however is the psychological map of your central character's. The ebbs and flows as he goes about reconciling the self disgust with the fear, the loading with the fury....

......and she does his psyche grows inside the reader.

For we have not one voice but several voices inside your central character. There is adult narrating the horrific episodes of abuse, with the voice that time and reflection creates. Then there is the child that notices the things children notice (i.e. "my favorite fire engine") with the moment by moment perception that children use when.....noticing. And there there is the voice of the enraged one...

.....the one that is coming to collect...

And the real jewel of this narrative is how the writer combines the appearance/disappearance of this three voices within a single character.....

...and that you deliver.

Some of my favorites:

"the stretch of the skin"

"stifled with sobs"

"Jack fell, ass first"

"my favorite fire engine....."
this adds an element of surrealism to the scene

"the whisperings"
your personal best so far

"there I have said it. I am psychic"
expertly revealed.

"in a perfect O"

"I believed me too"

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

"A picture that my subconscious..."
I would place the description in italics

"Her emotions exploded" "Shock, outrage, betrayal"
I would cut a bit on the emotional labeling
Why?
Because when the writer labels an emotion, the reader reads ...the label
when he uses body language to describe...the reader feels
so instead, I would let the descriptions stand on their own:
"her facial muscles...."

Let me know if that helps,

Overall, wonderful

david

A Guardian of Innocents

6 star pitch! I will re-read for sure.
A zoomer

Jeff
Just finished all nine chapters, and what a read it is!!
Who is the man dressed in black? This question caused me to keep reading, hoping that the answer would present itself, what a brilliant hook!
The best thing about this book, is although it dark and somewhat sadistic, it doesnt go to in depth with scenes that are uncomfortable to many readers, which I think intensifies and strengthens the story rather than dilluting it.

I love the dark nature of it, the justification behind the crimes Phil creates is a welcome change from many other crime/horror books, and I find helps you to relate more with him. He is warped, scarred and a bit twisted, but he cares about others that have been harmed, wants justice for them, and has actual feelings.
An excellent start to an engrossing read, I cant wait for more chapters.
Backed with pleasure

Bron

The Endless Awakening

You are handling a poignant subject regarding human mind. It is not only a narration of some incidents, but a careful watch of changes happening in the human minds.

You are handling a poignant subject regarding human mind. It is not only a narration of some incidents, but a careful watch of changes happening in the human minds. **** rated

I've just finished reading your first chapter, honestly it scared the hell out of me. Your style of writing is beyond words, you have the makings of an excellent writer. I will add this to my wish list and some day buy the book once its published.

Richard Todd

The Madness of Avlon Klynn

It was hard to read (due to the sickening storyline) yet compulsive at the same time: brilliantly done.

I also liked the way you set up the story that follows.

Nothing to fault.

Backed.

Terry

Jeff -

A Guardian of Innocents - ... What brought everything back full force was when I realised he intended to victimise another child ... From then on Jeshua becomes a killer with a mission. his telepathic sensitivities come in useful. This is very well done, sensitively handled and made plausable. The black figure adds the interesting dimension of an intimate witness. Motivations for abuse are complex, but I sometimes think, from my own experience of working with both the abused and the abuser, that the craving is for re-gaining and possessing innocence lost. And of course, in the process destroying it. The excellent writing makes it difficult to stop reading.

Backed, Pia, (Course of Morrors)

I read the first chapter, bawled, and immediately am backing. This work of fiction--ah--if only such things did not happen. If only individuals would never use another for their own selfish sexual desires. if only silence and denial from those who should protect the little ones did not turn souls septic. If only. I've been a counsellor and a pastor for too many years not to be aware of just how many tortured souls are in this world. And the tie and church shirt above the naked semi erection....gag...so real and so sad. You write very well. Best of luck with this, because perhaps some will wake up, even reading "fiction." A section of my book, Finding Little Big Foot is about to deal a bit with this.

Hi Jeff, I've added your book to my watch list. Looking forward to reading it. Thanks for backing my book.
Sandra Davidson - COLD MOON RISING

Dark, sick, twisted, and absolutely brilliant. This belongs in a publisher's hands. Good luck getting it there.

This is a very difficult subject told with great feeling. You write extremely well and deserve to have your work reach a wider audience. I will certainly back you.
Lizilev

Hi Jeff. This has the potential to be a great book. So many abused children go on to become abusers themselves, or to be trapped by a sense of guilt. Jeshua (is there a reason why you chose the Hebrew form of "Jesus" for his self-chosen name? Does he see himself as the savior of abused children?) decides to fight back, not only for himself, but also for others.

Your style is very readable.

The one question I would raise is this: How necessary to the story are the graphic depictions of abuse? Any reader who doesn't know what's going on, shouldn't be reading the book, so is it necessary to go into detail? If all you use is innuendo, it would broaden the audience for your book.

I'm intrigued by the central idea. Jeshua is taking out people whose departure can only make the world a better place, but he is committing murder. So do the ends justify the means? I would be interested to know how that question is answered, if it is answered.

backed

Steven Lloyd
THE AUDACITY OF HOPE AND CHANGE

Really powerful stuff. Backed. One small thing, in chapter two you have a line 'I was scared, and I thought maybe if they don't hear anything I do, then maybe they'll forget I'm in the house.' Your book is in past tense, but this line slips into present tense. I think it should read 'I was scared, and I thought maybe if they didn't hear anything I did, then maybe they'd forget I was in the house'.
Good luck with your writing, Cheers, Jennifer - A MATTER OF CONSCIENCE-

Hi there - gripping first chapter, and almost graceful in its way. You depict horrendous things in a restrained manner. there is detail here, but not too much, which would turn a lot of readers away. The bloodstains, the ungainly spectacle of the abuser, and - somehow it seems worse - the indifference or denial of the narrator's mother are all deeply shocking to us without ever once losing focus on the victim. Excellent stuff; looking forward to seeing the stepfather's come-uppance.

Jeff, Your writing is graphic and uncompromising setting out the details of an unhappy life. This, as we know, also has the essence of truth. Bravely written.
Backed,
Ann Mynard (Windshadow)

Well written story. Sometimes when you read things like this it makes you wonder if it really is fiction?

Visceral and well written.

J.S.Watts
A DARKER MOON

A supernatural Dexter-type pitch - wondered if there was a time-travel element coming up as well, as the man in black to me seemed to be Jeshua's future self come to anticipate his actions. Strong stuff. I had to skip quite a bit of it, as it's not my cup of tea.

Not my usual choice of read so I can't give comparisons on horror, but best of luck in sales.
Lisa (Death And The City)

A disturbing story maybe and only because of its sexual content and the manner in which Doris shuts off the terrible deeds in her own home....but it was the pitch that dragged me into your story; it seemed like an unusual sort of story that I could dig my heels into for the afternoon. Jeff, this is a well written piece of work. You have a lot of imagination in constructing a rather inviting thriller read that deserves mention. Hope the publisher singles you!

Backed earlier - just wanted to include my comments....

Rome
Directives for Murder

Hi Jeff, thank you for backing LONDON. I've backed yours - awhile ago - if it didn't register, I'll back again right away. As I know I looked at it :-). Incredible tale. Loved the narrative flow. I'm a scriptwriter by trade, certainly not a book critic, but I can appreciate a good visual.

Would love, appreciate, your comments. As I've had to deal with studios and such in Los Angeles, I've become unafraid of comments, thoughts, criticisms - so do your worse. :-)

sincerely, and thank you,
jim

Jeff,

This is an impeccable piece of work. I spent many years working with sexually abused children and my first "real job" was at a Juvenile Lock-Up. The emotion and anger over the abuse has never quit provoking heart papitations in me. I commend you on your story as we must struggle with the fineline existing between all these emotions. I am sure there is more vigilantism related to sex abuse than we care to see. However, you have laid it wide open for the reader in a stellar story. Your story sheds so much light on the fact that the abuse of a moment never stops lasting throughout the lifetime of the victim. I commend your courage and hope to see your story on bookshelves in stores in hopes of provoking attention in an area still starving fromit's lack.
Backed!
Good Luck
Sammy Sutton
King Solomon's '13'

Hello Jeff, After reading all that you've posted here, I've come to several conclusions. Your book is well written--no flaws that couldn't be easily repaired, and few of those. It contains much graphic material that might repel some readers and fascinate others. I know so little about the tastes of publishers that I can't even speculate about your chances or markets. And I find that the theme and execution of the book fully warrant the graphic content--that the narrator's life experiences and telepathic visions justify his homicidal actions, in a literary sense. Putting all this together, I will back "A Guardian of Innocents" and wish you success, trusting you to complete the novel so as to prove there's really a time to kill, and sometimes sadistically. From what I've read so far, I believe you can do it.

Bill Carrigan
"The Doctor of Summitville"

Excellent writing. The subject matter is disturbing, even horrific, but the quality of your prose makes it absorbing. Nothing I can see to criticise. On my shelf.

Wow. What a first chapter! I hope it is not biographical in nature. People who hurt kids are not my favorite folk, in fact, I'd hunt them just like Phillip did. Your writing style is excellent, and I'll gladly back this for you. Dave

Fantastic writing. I'm completely riveted.
backed
Genevieve

Jeff

This is so powerful and so simply and honestly told. It's a great idea as well and your execution is top notch. I really want to read more. Backed.

Nicole (Chosen)

Utterly compelling, and so powerful I found I was holding my breath as I read. Brilliant.
Joanna Carter
Fossil Farm