Love In The Future Tense

Hi Scott,
This is marvellously inventive and original writing. Some strong ideas, interestingly expressed. It's quirky, but I like quirky!
You have a lovely way of describing things, e.g. the bath "steamed me relaxed" is lovely and "warm thoughts that made me sweat all over" is very sensuous. "The bath was large enough to accommodate several close friends" is wonderfully wry humour as is the whole coversation about smooth legs. The dialogue generally is natural and odd enough to be realistic in a Cohen brothers (Fargo etc) way.

Admittedly it is a little aimless and slightly confusing at times. I think a little thinning out would help. We could all do with a bit more editing. As a writer once told me, 'sometimes it's like murdering your babies', by which she meant that even if you love a particular phrase or scene, unless it serves a direct purpose, take it out! That is, unless it furthers plot, character or helps to build the atmosphere, scratch it. Good advice we could all follow more!
Hope that helps.
5 stars from me!!
Sharda.
P.S. I think we were doing a reading swap, so please take a look at mine when you have the time. No pressure.
http://www.authonomy.com/books/42835/mr-unusually-s-circus-of-dreams/

Hi, just reading some of the crits on here. A bit harsh. A phrase form the great Brendan Behan springs to mind...'fuck the begrudgers!'

Hi, the story has promise. I got to chapter 4, some of the story is a bit confusing. We leave mccool changing his leathers and bike and that is it, who knows where to. You kind of list me when they were having dinner. I'm not into menus (that's just me). I can see that this is going to be a great story.

Julie Stevenson
Stacie

Hi, the story has promise. I got to chapter 4, some of the story is a bit confusing. We leave mccool changing his leathers and bike and that is it, who knows where to. You kind of list me when they were having dinner. I'm not into menus (that's just me). I can see that this is going to be a great story.

Julie Stevenson
Stacie

Onwards and upwards ...

Chapter 5
---------
These wolf sections - my (very) humble opinion is that they do your writing a dis-service, particularly given what has gone before. And yet - there's glimpses of the good writing: "... heard as leaves falling in the dry wood ...", "... built by wood butchers ...", etc.

I'm having difficulty accepting the wolves as, well, wolves. At the moment they read more like people in wolves' pelts. I think the chief culprit for this is the dialogue.

Wolves (in the real world) don't see in colour; hearing and smell are their sensual strengths. You could make use of those facts to enhance the alien-ness of these hyper-intelligent wolves.

Infodump alert: "Our creation came to pass ..." - I struggled to read the potted Moon War history (from the jaws of a wolf pup, no less). There's no nice way to say it, but (in my view) this is your text's "book hits wall" moment; I'd be surprised if many readers chose to move beyond this chapter as it is currently written.

I'm assuming the wolves have microchip memories? It's the only way I can make sense of their precocious knowledge. I also want to assume that they 'talk' to each other electronically - brain-coupling radio devices - because it's the only way I can solve the speech|wolfmouth dichotomy.

Have you ever read Terry Pratchett? The way he handles the Angua problem (how to describe how a werewolf's perceptions and communications issues while in wolf form) is one possible pointer for getting a good handle on this book's wolf POV.

Chapter 6
---------
Para 1: "night" repeated in the second sentence; "scared"; "it's". I know I promised not to dwell on the spelling and grammar stuff, but ...

Every single man adores the way Becky looks. Hmm ...

The descriptive phrases are a lot stronger in this chapter.

It's an Olly POV chapter, but you're telling the reader about the Olly worldview.

The devil in me wants the chapter to start mid-party, with Olly glad-handing a lot more guests. Does he have a flunky to whom he could confide some snide remarks to as he wanders through the grounds of his party house glad-handing the guests?

"Tina was home safe ..." superfluous detail.

Overall, the party idea is a very nice intro to Olly's paranoid and unforgiving POV. Which makes me think that maybe you don't need the first Olly scene with the Dumb Duo? You cover the loss of the cannisters here, along with Olly's jaundiced view of his sometime employees, so no particular reason to repeat the information.

Dinner calls. Forgive me if I'm being too harsh - remember to take on board only those comments you find useful; the rest can be binned.

Hi, Scott. More stuff for you.

Chapter 4
---------
Personally, I'd be freaked about seeing a corpseless head earlier in the day - which is to say that I'm struggling to buy into Rebecca's infatuation with Jack in the first few paras. One suggestion might be to let Becky dress a little more defensively and get Jack to work his magic on her as the evening progresses?

Potholes are a good opener for the conversation. I'm not convinced you're helping the tension in the story by Jack mentioning McCool by name - while Becky (probably?) can't connect the name to the biker in chapter 1, the reader certainly can.

Jack's listing of the restaurants - it read a bit telly to me. You might want to consider making these paras more of an interactive conversation?

Is it essential at this point in the story that Becky sees the Two Losers coming out of the restaurant, and Jack supplies names for them?

The descriptive paras introducing Paddy's restaurant (both before and after the Two Losers dialogue) are missing an essential component: 'I'. At the moment they read in the narrator's voice, not Becky's.

Everyone seems eager to comment on Becky's good looks. Too eager? I'm glad Becky queries Paddy's comments, but it feels a bit incidental to me.

My personal preference would be for the entire Paddy's restaurant to be a touch more subtle. There's plenty of chat going on here, but little in the way of other signage - body language, for instance, or smells and touching.

I don't think Becky needs to give an account of her day to Olly at the end of this section.

In the next section Becky finally questions Jack about how everyone has offered her comments about his personal business. Given that this story is ostensibly set in the future (and I'm assuming Facebook or its successors are still in business) I'm not buying that Becky is shocked by so much personal detail being part of the public conversation. Also, email still exists in this world, so presumably the web also continues. if Becky was interested in Jack from the get-go, wouldn't her first move be to research him online?

I feel a need to make a more wide-ranging comment at this point: The story feels very 20th century to me at the moment. Beyond obscure comments about the Moon War (and the use of Euros in California) there's not a lot of 'future whizz-bang' in these early chapters.

I'm also wondering what has happened to make Becky want to relocate her life from city to seaside - a couple of hints about her reasons wouldn't go amiss, particularly as that's exactly the sort of information the locals would be aiming to prize out of her. (Yes, I come from a small seaside community; I know what insular locals are like).

I think you need to indicate (somehow) which character is opening each conversation fragment; on some occasions I find myself thinking: 'who's saying this?'

The chapter ends with the end of the meal, but I wasn't feeling any building tension between Becky and Jack. Would you be willing to rewrite this chapter showing a slow build-up of the sexual attraction between them, and then possibly ending the chapter with Olly's intervention just as things start to get intimate?

Chapter 5 (sect 1)
------------------
After tearing apart Ch4, this is going to be short. My key problem with my intro to the wolves as POV characters is that they talk too much like humans, and plan like humans. Even genetically modified, they're still wolves. One possible way to change this might be to dump the quotes punctuation (like that 'Circle in the Wood' book)?

Hi, Scott. Herewith the start of my SF42 crit on your book.

The key thing to remember with one of my crits is to ONLY take on board the bits you find useful, and to ignore/discard the rest.

Chapter 1
---------
The standard procedure for offering crit is to sandwich the bad news between two slices of 'what I liked'. Well, I like the concept of the book, and there's some good writing here - you've got a knack for imagery. So that's the start and end of this chapter's crit done.

However ... for me, the read was spoiled by the huge amount of backstory you're trying to shovel into these opening paragraphs. Do we need to know why Rebecca is moving out of the city right up front? Or what her business venture is? This information could be left to later chapters, for instance she could offer up (some of) the information to Jack later in the chapter.

The second section's only purpose seems to be to tell the reader that the wolves have (probably) been genetically modified - again, maybe there could be more fun to be had if Rebecca had to work this out for herself later on in the book?

Personally, I think there might be more mileage if you start with Rebecca watching the wolves finding a human head, then flashback to the wolf interaction with the car during her drive. A torso-free head could be very tempting bait for a potential reader.

(Maybe the Deputy *could* pull Rebecca over, which is why she can see the wolves? Then the biker could pull up to offer help? Just an idle thought!)

There's editing issues - grammar and punctuation stuff mostly - but I'll not bother itemising them. I'd suggest you get the sequencing stuff working to your satisfaction first, then bother with any polishing that needs to be done.

Again the Deputy is eager to hand out backstory - this time on Jack's marriage.

Chapter 2
---------
The opening section offers some damn fine writing. The dialogue is pretty much spot on. I felt let down by the theft - it felt sketched-in and a bit too sudden to me, as did the men's reactions when they regained consciousness.

The meeting with Olly - would you consider expanding this section? I think it deserves a lot more tension (build-up and release stuff). Also, this is the reader's introduction to Rachel's nemesis so maybe a pen portrait of the man could be offered up here?

Chapter 3
---------
I'm not convinced you need to show the reader that McCool attacked the bad guys on the beach. Having him arrive at Rancho Karma with his newly acquired cannisters would do the job just as well.

Given the shortness of #2 and #3, I'm wondering if there might be any profit in dividing #1 into two separate chapters?


...

I'll stop for now. I hope some of the above proves to be useful. Remember to ignore the bits that don't make sense to you.

SF42- Not so keen on chapter 6 – I felt the uniqueness of the voice was missing. I also found Ollie’s thinking unnatural – info dump for the reader rather than what he really would be thinking about on the way to the party. The whole chapter if I am honest left me cold. I think the purpose was to show what a sleezeball Ollie is, but it didn’t urge me to read on. Something plot driven has to happen in this chapter, including what the hell was in those canisters! Chapter 7 and I am afraid that one isn’t working either – someone that drugged up and out of it, coherent thought would not be there. Again I assume this is here to show how out of control Ollie has become, but I found it distasteful to read and lacking in voice. I would combine chapter 6-7 and make sure something plot related takes place. Maybe have POV switching between Ollie and Rebecca. And then in chapter 8 another gruesome murder – these really are objectionable people, but the bit that interested me was the lab move and what that is all about, but that wasn’t given enough time, imo. I feel as if the book has changed in tone and direction. What started as darkly comedic has just become dark and the sci-fi element seems to be disappearing into a crime and corruption plot (why did they kill Danny and his girlfriend, it just seemed like it was too much and the characters became less real as a result). Sorry, I have not been as complimentary this time, but I wonder if you are trying to convey too many POVs leading the read to become a bit vague and like a movie rather than novel (if that makes any sense at all). I seriously think you need to look again at how this story unfolds – but I will read on and see where it takes me next.

SF42 review
I liked this a lot. It’s different and has a unique voice that I warmed to right away. The start has nice imagery and I really liked the first encounters with the playful wolflings. I enjoyed the dialogue and the frequent witty turns of phrase; this is a real pleasure to read. The story builds up slowly, but I don’t think that’s a problem as it is a fun ride with some great characters. I found the wolflings the most original and interesting aspect of the story, so I wondered whether it might be an idea to make them feature more nearer the start of the story.
A minor crit in Ch.1 (which Jake also alluded to) was Deputy Mike’s speech about the wolves. I thought this didn’t ring true. I would suggest breaking it up with, say, Jack interjecting the odd sceptical “Yeah, right”, while Deputy Mike insists his theory is true, but we don’t know whether to believe him or not (until later).
You have a curious way of breaking up words: off loaded, over due, out growth, etc. Initially I thought these were typos, but there are so many of them I guess they’re deliberate.
I didn’t mind the occasional use of the 1st person although I didn’t know who was talking in Ch.7 as there weren’t enough clues until Ch.8. The things that were happening were pretty nasty, but I couldn’t work out who they were happening to.
I spotted a few typos which I’ll send you separately.
Anyway, a good and original read.

SF42 - Chapters 4 and 5, and I am really loving your quirky narrative voice. Whatever edits you make don’t lose it. This may well be a non-issue, but you have 1st person for Rebecca all the rest in 3rd. I imagine this is a style choice rather than accidental, just not sure how many already published books do this, and if they don’t, could this be a barrier to your work getting picked up. One thing that does concern me is it doesn’t feel like it is set in the future – I feel you need to give the reader a sense of how the world is different – where’s this malicious climate, what else is different? Do cars run on sunflowers? That kind of thing. As for chapter 4, I liked the setting in the restaurant, but did find it all a little confusing and think you need to help the reader a little more with what is going on, who is who. Oliver appears out of nowhere and wasn’t around long enough to really make an impression. For some reason I thought Jack was a cop, but apparently not. Really liked their non-flirting flirting talk. Chapter 5 is my favourite so far, your voice is at its most playful in these scenes and I already love the wolves take on life. Maybe you should consider opening with them? Will be reading on, but generally I get the sense you are bursting with imagination, but not sure the structure is right yet, but that's so easily fixable where as a compelling and individual voice is not (and you got that in spades :).

SF42- chapter 2 and 3- chap 2 was very short and I think you need to either really play up the comedy in this chapter - a couple of goons trying to get the tubes out the ocean (it was all too easy) or have it is as a part of a longer chapter and shorten it further (or have it as dialogue when they get back to Oli). Particularly as in the following chapter we have a repeat scene of McCool waiting for the guys and stealing the canisters. There is quite a bit of telling in this chapter about McCool’s womanizing ways, but I don’t think the dream particularly adds anything and I skimmed it – and I am not sure you need McCool to state he doesn’t do marriage, because his actions clearly reveal this. I wonder if you should give the reader some hint as to what is in the canisters to increase the page turning quality. Overall the pace was slick once more, possibly a little too slick and I am keen to find out what happens next. I’ll be back :)

SF42 - chapter 1 - This has a very individual clipped style of narrative that I enjoyed in this opening chapter. Your MC is not typically girly (in thought) but she knows how to use her femininity (I immediately warmed to her). Not sure the insert about the wolf cubs being GM really worked where it was (felt like it was there for reader benefit), but apart from the that, a good start. Will read on and leave more comments.

Hi Scott

I found myself sitting here clicking, clicking, chapter, chapter, slightly mesmerised by the breakneck pace of your narrative. This rarely happens. To me.

One or two usually enough in this place (chapters I mean). Mainly crap, I hate to say. Well, perhaps mainly a load of rubbish. That better? More polite? Always the lady.

Anyway I like most of it. Wonderful descriptive prose at times. Many times, in fact. Good dialogue (as good as mine, dare I say, and I am famed for mine. )

I don't give detailed crits - frankly, I can't see the point. If the story grabs me, if the grammar and punctuation are good - what more do you need? Minor glitches only. Oh, characters and locale of course. I like that you write Rebecca in first person. Hard for a man to do that well.

You know, I love to set stories in the future. The creation of your own (believable) new world is a wondrous thing. I do it often.

I suspect, reading other comments that a lot of people don't get what you have achieved here. And I suspect this will be a love/hate book for many readers. I think I get because ... I often write stuff in this style!

Look, I'm going to read more soon. Remind me if I forget, please. I suspect yours is that rare thing - a book in which I really want to find out what happens next. That's the secret, really isn't it. Keeping your reader wanting to know --- What happens next.

I'm going to take a punt & back it asap. On my WL. Hope nothing I've said offends your sensibilities, Scott.
(And what's with those missing bodies?)

Best to you

Tonia

Your writing is very accessible. I particularly liked your description of the wolf pups, the mustard sauce air and the tavern where it was "easy to imagine river pirates watching the off shore waves for ships on which they could prey". I also thought your characters worked well. Just a couple of things: do make it a little clearer who is speaking and perhaps look at how you can add more tension.
Well done. Keep going with it.
Kim
St Viper's School for Super Villains

The start here is the literary equivalent of watching paint dry. I found the writing turgid and contrived. I read the whole of Chapters 1 and 2. What I've read so far, gives me no incentive to continue. The narrative is disjointed and the dialogue was extraordinarily difficult to follow, as it was often unclear who was speaking. A significant edit is required to make this readable.

Scott,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The first thing that jumps here is the style. Reminiscent of Hunter Thompson, is a moment by moment perception where every moment is a dangling act promising the next to have the same urgency....

..... and that you deliver.

Then there is the confetti like imagery thrown....confetti like....by a central character that feels like a boy/man running around a futuristic earth spitting out opinions....confetti like......in a....

...I do this...I do that.....I think this...I think that...fashion

and that mix of wonder creature in a wonder world ....

....is what makes your narrative wonderful...

Some of my favorites:

"mustard sauce air"

"laughing children at play...."

"my future felt tense"

"feline gymnastics"
I have never seen this which is why I liked for, If wanted to read about things I have already seen, I would take the subway...lol

Overall, this is strangely original and marvelous

David

How totally wonderful you are, Scott!! :) Thank you so very much for backing my memoirs/testimony book. :) May God richly bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I have also gold ******-rated your book :) - could you please ****** mine, too. Every ****** -ing & backing more than 24 hours moves our books up authonomy's lists. :) I want to ask you if you could please keep my book on your bookshelf because, I'm #1 on the editor's desk & I don't want to lose traction & to remain in the top 5 to be chosen February 28. :) Please read my profile page: I had a mini-stroke Nov. 10 with slurred speech for an hour & numbness of tongue still & over 24 smaller ones where I couldn't speak since & I"d sure like to cross the finish line of the editor's desk after almost 1 year of trying on authonomy. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me :) - I have lost 3 sisters to strokes & my last sister, Mary had 2 heart attacks this past year.

Dear Scott, I read, backed, & commented on your book 304 days ago & you haven't backed my memoirs/testimony book & I am now, per your request reading & commenting on your 1st & last chapters. :) I love that your are making a trilogy of your story. :) I just love how your describe the redwoods because I went to Alliance Redwoods camp when I was in high school in the '50s, where you are describing the wolves running around the car. :) It is beautiful up there & you put me right there with you as your described it. :) It is nice crisp dialogue & paragraphs, moving me along & a great story of the wolf pups. :) I can't help but get excited as I start ch. 50 because I was raised in Chico & all of this is my old stomping grounds :) - out of high school, I moved to Frisco & then to S. Cal in '62. :) "forty million in gold coin in a cave" was enough to entice Cassidy O'Lay. :) What a read & twist at the end!! Amazing, most of all was the genetically engineered wolf pups. :) I spent a couple of hours reading & commenting on your book & have gold ******-rated it. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. could you please put my book on your shelf to help me, too? I need all of the backings I can get to anchor me into the top 5 of the editor's desk, so that I'll be chosen February 28. :) After trying for almost a year, I was #4 on 1-1-11, but 2 people past me up, pushing out to #6, so sadly, I didn't get chosen in the top 5 on January 31. ;( Please help me, too. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :)

Well written, but perhaps too long in getting to the point. In book terms, you have pages of narrative before we get to dialogue. My spouse, when buying a book, looks at the back, then cracks it open and reads the first few paragraphs. That decides whether the plastic comes out of the wallet.

The pace picks up in the second chapter and I'm glad I continued. Great dialogue and narrative, and an engaging plot.

Many stars!

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

Scott,
The writing is very clean but I did find the start to be quite slow.
I found I didn't care how hot it was or how long since it rained.
I didn't find the opening boring, but I did find myself wanting something to happen.
A wicked season was on the world. [This is an excellent line and if you can find a way to open your book with it, I think it will make a good attention grabber]
Good luck,
MickR - The Nightcrawler

You have packaged this well Scott. Romance, Science fiction and crime. You manage skillfully to make all three genres proud.

Great read.

best

Fair critters review - I found the start disjointed and meandering and the aside to the read {where to begin my story) was extremely offputting, though it is an extremely valid question - Where should you begin this story? Everything you have written up until the entrance of the wolves is backstory and scene setting and it is boring - cut it all. The story starts when she sees the wolves, though you need to make much more of this scene, I am not buying her nonchalance when she approaches the cop and the guy on the motorcycle, they've just pulled a decapitated body out of the water. The pace picks up more in the second chapter, but to be honest this start needs a lot of work, I would be inclined to rewrite it and get the reader engaged by much stronger images. In terms of the genre, can it be both crime, romance and sci-fi - that is an uneasy mix and I think you need to choose which genre will dominate. Jake

Fair critter review from Sandra Davidson - COLD MOON RISING
Scott, I read your first three chapters and while I thought the premise of your story was interesting, I believe you need to do more revisions. Especially your first chapter. It reads more like a synopsis than a story. It is disjointed with no continuity, jumping from one subject to another.

I would get rid of most of your back story and start the story with the wolves chasing the car. Next I would add a lot more drama at the finding of the head. Let's face it that would be a memorable event. Your second chapter and third chapters are better, but still need more drama..

Hope these comments help.

My first observation would be to echo a few of the other comments re. the switching from first to third person which can throw the reader off a little.
Male writing first person female - very brave!
I found the writing style a bit inconsistent. There are many passages chock full of clever, emotive and highly inventive writing, I especially liked The Moondoggel passages in chapter 5, and the best among many witty observations - "...no animal more feral than a hippy turned capitalist. Never give them money, it ruins them forever" - Brilliant.
Then we get - "Whuuf " said the dog, and Rebecca sometimes sounding like a pirate - "said I"

Sometimes a little hard to follow, but on the whole an engaging read.

This has been a Fair Crit comment.

Fair Crit - I crit in one window and read from another, so you'll get running commentary.

A few commas, a few hyphens missing, in my opinion. No biggie.

I'm 8-10 chaps in and wondering gender of MC. Something I hate about 1st person POV. Since it's a reminiscience, I don't think a recollection of what she/he looked like "back in the day," would be hard to slip in, and I could identify easier with a character I can visualise.

I hoped he and the deputy didn't have a relationship - got a chuckle out of that one

That POV change, when Jack and Mike talk, throws me off. If the narrator is first person, I have a hard time going to a new POV in 2nd person.

Pretty blase attitude toward wolves and genetic experiments.

Easy to miss the absence of quote marks after "police business." Needs dialogue tag, confused me.

I enjoyed it. Quirky, up-beat, I'll back it.

Backed a while ago, finally got to commenting. Didn't get to read as much as I wanted as my poor geriatric computer didn't like your book (it seems to have trouble with the longer ones, including my own), but the few chapters I read were well written with good characters, great descritptions, unique situations, and a good plot. Good luck with this.

Fair Critter Review

I have read the first four chapters. You have a very engaging style. Your characters come across as three dimensional even if most of them seem to have a one track mind. LOVE IN THE FUTURE TENSE is easy to read and keeps you turning the pages.

Two things I would encourage you to work on: 1) The reader doesn't always know who is speaking in dialog unless you tell them. It's true that most of the time it is clear from the context, but there are a few places where I was unsure who was speaking. 2) Most of your writing is done in the first person from the perspective of Rebecca, but other parts are written from a different perspective and include scenes about which Rebecca has no knowledge. You either need to tell the whole story from the third person, or take out the information that is not part of Rebecca's personal experience.

Best wishes.

Steven Lloyd
THE AUDACITY OF HOPE AND CHANGE

Hi Scott, There’s a subtle edge to the narrator’s voice that kept me reading. The fires and her awareness of things make her a keen observer besides a narrator. The drive, the wolves, and the wry dialogue keep this story mounting in connection and intrigue. Her references to Girt, along with the synopsis, also give the tinge of humor. A tantalizing read! Easily shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Fair Critter Review

I must admit I was a bit confused here. It starts out as first person, but then in chapters 2 and 3 the view is switched. How would she know what was going on at the beach either to Billy and Bobby or McCool? She wasn't there. Then the pups seem to be telling their story. I was really kind of confused.

The story idea seems to be a good one, sci-fi, crime in a small town... but it was hard to follow.

Eley

Clever book!
I love how you intertwine different genre into this you pull it off magnificently.
The literary style of this gives it that much more then other books on this site. I think the edgy humour in this is brilliant. Just read up to Moondoggel and loving it. –great book. – Great read!

You highly poetic style held my attention and pulled me along as you rendered your story.
There is definitely an element of the obtuse about your writing. It leans towards the drug fuelled ramblings of Hunter S Thompson. I guess that's what makes it stand out from nearly every other book i've read on here.
Backed? Totally!
Hope you're feeling generous to return it.
David
Bailey of the Saints

A wonderful journey. Backed with pleasure.
Abel Kane
The Alchemists' Cookbook

Love In The Future Tense – “Fair Critter” Review

Ah, sci-fi – one of my favorites. Hopefully some of my feedback will be helpful.

Pitch:
The short pitch is tight and compelling, though the second “sentence” is awkward with the semicolon and colon. The long pitch isn’t quite selling me. Six characters in such a short space (not including the wolf pups) is a lot to take in. It’s also pretty choppy, more like a bare-bones mini-synopsis and very disconnected: this happens, that happens, then something else happens. In a pitch, my preference is for just enough to catch my interest, make me curious. Looking ahead, the story is in first person, but from the pitch, I couldn’t tell whether there was a single MC or if it was some kind of ensemble approach. Something to think about. Still, it sounds like a lot of interesting things will be happening.

Ch1:
The first two paragraphs threw me off a little, because they don’t feel like first-person observations. That might just be me. As I read on, I felt like the story hadn’t started yet. That feeling continued until Rebecca was on the drive to northern California. You have some nice descriptions, although sometimes they seem a bit out of place. For instance, it seemed odd for Rebecca to suddenly mention that her car was all-wheel drive and what she was wearing.

When the dialogue starts, it seems awkward. I can’t quite hear it in my head like I should – mostly it seems stiff, like the characters are reciting lines that have been written for them. Since this is set in the future, perhaps you’re trying to create an atmosphere that shows things have changed. If so, you might need to find ways to tweak it so that intention is clearer.

If Rebecca’s in her car, she can’t hear the men talking about whether she knows the dogs are wolves, right? Danger of first person – the reader can only know what the POV character knows.

Be careful with the “my future felt tense,” “loving care in the present tense,” etc. bit. It’s clever, and I like it, but it can get old fast. Also, the end of the chapter doesn’t have much of a hook. Or rather, it potentially has one, but you’ve buried and downplayed it. The fact she got the mansion mysteriously on the cheap piques my curiosity, but I almost missed it, and then the chapter ends with her thinking about Jack – that does nothing to make me want to turn the page.

Ch2:
Ah, so you’re doing mixed first and third person. Could be interesting. But I wonder, how important is it to know about these events right now? The most important thing seems to be that Billy and Bobby get mysteriously knocked out (or something) while trying to retrieve the shipment. But that part is glossed over so quickly, with no real feeling of tension, that it feels distinctly unimportant.

Ch3:
It took me three reads to figure out for sure that McCool knocked out the boys. First, I thought he was meeting up with them after they saw Oliver. Second time, it sort of felt like he came across them after they’d been knocked out. (Also, I wasn’t sure what was meant by a “steel and lead, leather wrapped spring sap,” which probably should have been a tip-off.)

I’m trying to visualize how four canisters, each two feet high and two feet diameter, would be strapped to the back of a motorcycle and be able to be covered by a poncho.

Ch4:
Again in this chapter, the dialogue feels weird. A lot of odd over-share and randomness. And when Paddy launches into the menu, it goes on just a bit long.

Nit: Dessert, not desert.

Rebecca’s got nice legs. I get it. Really, that’s just about all I know about her. Even though it’s told from her POV, I’m not getting any feel for her personality. She comes across kind of like an android, particularly with what I mentioned before about the dialogue – for instance, when she recounts her activities thus far to Oliver at the restaurant.

That’s a pretty sudden head-hop to Olly’s POV for a paragraph then back to Rebecca. Is it really necessary? Seems like information the reader can figure out as it goes along.

Overall, I find the premise intriguing – mixing a sci-fi setting with small-town crime and romance. Very interesting. I think your strength is definitely in your descriptions – just make sure they’re always well motivated and add to the story rather than stalling it. Good luck!

R.C. Lewis

Wonderfully written, hooked from the pitch, best of luck with it. E.Loraine Royal Blood Chronicles book one

Your writing style is inventive and kept me reading. The story was a little unfocused but as an opening chapter I think it set the tone well. I did find you used variations of 'future' and 'tense/tension' a lot. i know that's the theme of the book but it felt a bit overdone to me.

There are a lot of clever ideas here and some humour to. I liked the flow and pace of it. Sometimes i wasn't quite sure what you meant, but that might just be me. For example:
'Like a coarse guest using rude language...'
The (full) line above didn't reallymake sense to me. Felt like you were mixing metaphors and I ended up unclear what you were saying.

Overall an original and engaging piece. Backed.

A pitch that informs and doesn't spoil the story. The writing is flkuid and the characters are credible in this world. Backed with pleasure.

Love In The Future Tense
Scott Moloney

Scott,
I love this line of your short pitch, "The future changes are the remains of the past." Read your pitches and first chapter, "Tense Future" and I enjoyed it. Nice inventive plot combining well science fiction, crime and romance so a lot to look forward to - I love the idea of genetically engineered wolf pups. Very original I think. And I thought there was good writing to support this stimulating storyline. Actually, this read like literary fiction - very good one too. "Playing a game of ring around the car they ran parallel with me for a few miles." I loved your descriptions and the nice visuals I had in my mind as I read. "Dead body in the bog, wolves in the back seat. Any other surprises?" Your long pitch promises a lot more so I'll have to come back and see how this develops. Happy to have backed this and all the best in finding a publisher Scott.
Zan

Love In The Future Tense
Scott Moloney

Scott,
I love this line of your short pitch, "The future changes are the remains of the past." Read your pitches and first chapter, "Tense Future" and I enjoyed it. Nice inventive plot combining well science fiction, crime and romance so a lot to look forward to - I love the idea of genetically engineered wolf pups. Very original I think. And I thought there was good writing to support this stimulating storyline. Actually, this read like literary fiction - very good one too. "Playing a game of ring around the car they ran parallel with me for a few miles." I loved your descriptions and the nice visuals I had in my mind as I read. "Dead body in the bog, wolves in the back seat. Any other surprises?" Your long pitch promises a lot more so I'll have to come back and see how this develops. Happy to have backed this and all the best in finding a publisher Scott.
Zan

First person works a treat, here, and you're setting up an engaging and detailed story. Wry asides of humour kept my interest, and I have to say you have some brilliant hooks in the first few paragraphs. This is a really good effort, although do watch out for commas near direct address. You're missing a few: "Rebecca Bester[,] you are a piece of work." etc.

Best of luck with this intriguing plot-line!
Abi xxx

This is a highly unique and intriguing storyline - a most enjoyable read. Your use of imagery is excellent, your work is well paces and well writtent and the character development is solid. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Loved your plotline which was intriguing. The main body of your book did not disappoint either - you told the story well at a perfect pace with good descriptions. I think it will appeal to a wide audience and should do well. Best wishes - Paula (Cuthbert: How mean is my valley?)

LOVE IN THE FUTURE TENSE

Dear Scott,

I enjoyed your writing style more than I thought I would from your pitch. There is great story, dialogue and interesting notions.
No I didn't read the whole book, but I have shelved the book and will come back to it in the future tense.

A Zoomer
Going Out in Style

This has to be one of the most original pieces of fantasy on the site. Utterly unique, in both form and story, it is completely engaging with a great use of first person. Your prose style is fluid and accessible and I am delighted to back this.
Carl
The Time Hunters

Scott, I like your first-person, narrative voice. The first two chapters are a smooth, entertaining read.

Happy to back your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

This is highly orginal and fresh. I thought you had captured a very possible view of the world in the future, one that doesn't stretch credulity, but has enough probably true to make the reader slightly uncomfortable.
The Voice is good, she comes across as ambitious, but not unscupulous.
The wolves are a touch of genius, as is the passing references to "the Moon war", these two things alone suck the sci fic reader in and I think are sufficently intrigueing, without being wildly over the top, to suck in the non sci fic reader as well.
The writing is good, but there is a little over use of "that", its worth doing a search and finding them all and seeings if it is needed or if the sentence could be expressed better.
You also need to do some about your pitch, it id doing what is an excellent read and favours. This is your window on the world and you need to grab them. I found you via the forum and i'm very pleased I did, but if I'd been randonly scanning pitches, I think I may have passed.
I think there's a pitch tutorial somewhere on the forum, it might be worth checking it out.
The very best of luck with this, I thought it was very good.

You have an intriguing first-person voice to this piece that makes the story compelling. This is one of the most original works I've come across. I wouldn't be surprised if it becomes a popular cult classic. Very well done. Backed.

Richard Bard
BRAINRUSH (2010 ABNA Semi-Finalist)

Hi Scott

This is my kind of book. I'm diving in.

Cyn

Hi Scott
This is a great beginning, lots of action, mystery and suspense. I love the way Jack says his 'future is tense'. There are lots of other subtle comments which make this a very professional piece of work and help us learn a lot about Jack early on into the story. Happy to back this one.
Best of luck
DP Walker
Five Dares

Great stuff. Moves right along.

Love in the Future Tense:

Scott Moloney,

'I learned that men came in a variety of breeds that parallels their canine brothers...dogs were better company...' nicely sums up the narrator's first experience of her thrusting colleagues once college is finished and employment begun but then canines take on a much greater significance once on the road and wolves become the centre of conversation.
The dialogue is very crisp and natural and drew me into your story without need of heavy narrative, so maintaining pace while keeping me engaged with your MC.
And to heighten the interest I was hooked by the prospect of romance on the horizon as the narrato finds that 'Thinking about Jack brought warm thoughts while I toweled myself...'

Backed.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)