Book Jacket

 

rank 1121
word count 16518
date submitted 18.04.2010
date updated 15.05.2010
genres: Fiction, Thriller, Horror, Erotica
classification: adult
incomplete

The Initiate

Fanchon McClaren

Saving ancient vampire, Forest Gods from destruction, requires reincarnated Darren McLeod to recall past-life memories. Reunited, the vampires have other plans; to Initiate him!

 

Ciarn, a Celtic, Arch-Druid, served as clan sage and priest for two Forest Gods; who were actually benevolent vampires. They protected Ciarn’s clan from raids, enslavement and war. Blood letting became a celebrated tribal ritual.

Gifted with clairvoyance, Cairn saw visions of the distant future. His beloved Gods would become vulnerable in that era and need help surviving. His clan believed that all Celts were reincarnated as they spiritually learned to develop their souls. Cairn set a secret plan in motion.

Reborn Darren McLeod, a modern computer geek, Darren must remember being an Arch Druid in a past millennium. Raised in a, single-parent family home, he doesn’t believe in vampires, has never given much thought to reincarnation, and his greatest problem is feeling trapped by an unexpected pregnancy and “… trying to do the right thing,” marriage.

The two millennium old vampires Darren must save are tormented by an inability to assimilate modern society and technology. Jaded, unhappy and suicidal, the vampires not only recognize Darren as Cairn, they have other plans for him; they will Initiate him so he can not escape them by death a second time!

 
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tags

celts, druid, druids, erotica, historical, horror, initiate, reincarnation, vampire, vampires

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73 comments

 

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Andrew Burans wrote 737 days ago

You have a masterful command of the English language and you use it well. This is a finely crafted, well paced and well written novel in the vampire genre. Your prologue sets up the book perfectly and I especially like the first person narrative. Your use of imagery is excellent and your character development is superb. Backed with pleasure.

Cheers,
Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Sandie Newman wrote 739 days ago

Excellent story. Nice, striking cover and excellent pitch. I love the prologue, your writing is incredible and lacks nothing. I love the way you describe the staff in such detail, brilliant, sounds very ornate. The descriptions are brilliant and immediately draw the reader in, excellent and backed.

Sandie
The Crown of Crysaldor

sjbal wrote 739 days ago

Hi Fanchon,
Dawn has recomended that I take a look at your book, and I'm rather glad she has. I enjoyed reading it a lot. You have a unique premise and your voice really pulled me in and kept me interested. Backed with pleasure.
Good luck,
James (The Lycetta Legacy).

carlashmore wrote 739 days ago

Actually this is very readable vampire fiction - or viction as I have just decided to call it:) To start over a thousand years ago and then bring is to 1993 is a great way of contextualising your story. Your prose is very eloquent and you have a wonderful command of language.
Good luck with this and I am happy to back.
Carl
The Time Hunters

CarolinaAl wrote 628 days ago

'I also know that a young mans understanding of corporeal life ...' Mans (plural) should be man's (possessive). Other than that, this is an intriguing paranormal journey filled with surprises. Well-crafted characters with real emotions. Superb attention to detail. Excellent dialogue and narrative. Lovely prose. Inventive storyline. Lucid writing. Backed.

PATRICK BARRETT wrote 699 days ago

Extremely readable but I always wonder how one vampire novel will stand out amongst all the others. That seems to be the biggest challenge of all. This is not my genre but the interweaving of tribal rituals and assumed celtic law is very clever and I could certainly be converted by this one. Patrick Barrett (Cuthbert-How Mean is my Valley)

stoatsnest wrote 702 days ago

I do like this very much,but it could be very much better. For a start I'd eliminate unnecessary adverbs, especially in the earlier part. Chuck out the word'personally' It's too good not improve. Backed.

EltopiaAuthor wrote 702 days ago

"The Initiate"
Lord knows I am not a big fan of vampire lit, but this author does have some really good descriptive writing in Chapter One. Good luck to you Fanchon and I hope your story does well.

F. Ellswortth Lockwood
"The Final Cruise"

Rusty Bernard wrote 702 days ago

Hi Fanchon,

I have backed your book because I was hooked by the pitch, loved the introduction and read on. How much more I read depends on time and commitment.

Enjoy everything and good luck.

Rusty Bernard
Psychiatric Evaluation

DMHeadley wrote 702 days ago

Great pitch. Very enjoyable read.

Dawn,
My Friends and Me

djinnia wrote 704 days ago

wow. this has an interesting premise. i like the fact that you started on an ancient celtic beltane fire and turn to modern day vampires. i will be interesting to see how you mesh the two together.

me

M.C. Holman wrote 714 days ago

Here I am for the read swap!
You've got good writing and a good setting, but there are a few things that you need to consider:
In the prologue, you don't establish any sort of problem except for the slight disagreement between the Forest Lords and Cairn. In order to really seize our attention, your prologue needs to reveal something both dire and confusing, so that we will want to read more in order to understand how everything fits together.

The next small thing which is getting in your way is your comma use. There are quite a few cases where you insert a comma when there shouldn't be one, and it causes a stutter. I'll give you an example:
"His revered, fatherly face had kept a stern, austere expression, but his eyes were alight with enthusiastic joy, as he addressed the young men." You don't need the second comma. It cuts off the rhythm of the sentence.

Finally, you need to look at your use of the familiar forms of english along with the uses of 'ye' and ''tis' I would recommend www.etymonline.com . Look up any words you need and it'll tell you exactly what they mean and where they came from. Here's what I noticed: 'ye' is the general form of you, as in 'you all,' or 'what do you do when...' You got that right early on in the chapter when he's talking to the young men, but then the Forest Lord misused it and said it directly to Cairn. 'Tis was the biggest offender :). That's an abbreviation for 'it is.' Therefore, one of your sentences, from this chapter, would actually mean this:
"Death it is but a doorway to a soul's next life. Death it is naught but a happenstance to fear, it is an event to willingly embrace, for life it is never lost; only renewed!" You got it right once in there, but the rest should just be 'is.'

I hope I gave you some help. This is not meant to discourage you! I just want to help you make your book better.

Thanks,
M.C. Holman
Dragon-Children: The Secrets of Tarenhavdel


jjwilliams wrote 716 days ago

Very good read so far. Be careful in your writing that you do not overuse the comma: "All about him, nature's renewed life bloomed..." The comma probably isn't needed (just an example). You paint a wonderful storyline with vivid language. Keep it up!
Jon-Robert Williams
Silenced

Mias Venter wrote 720 days ago

Great pitch and storyline, you might want to consider adding a comma between save and are on your last paragraph of the pitch. .” Darren must save, are tormented” From what I have read sofar this is a good work and reads well. I have added it to my watch list will certainly finish reading this and come back with some suggestions if you don’t mind

Vanessa Darnleigh wrote 720 days ago

...handily and reliably' don't seem necessary...
...a man of principles...
...a fish on a tenterhook...?
The consistent use of 'ye' 'thy' etc comes across as rather stage-Irish/Scottish/Celtic and becomes a bit monotonous...why not just simplify it since it's neither one thing nor another in its present form. Lots of promise here but definitely in need of some revision...backed for now
Stewart

stoatsnest wrote 722 days ago

Of its type,well done. I'm not much interested in vampires, but reincarnation is a lways interesting. Your use of the first person is good and your PC very believable.backed.

EltopiaAuthor wrote 722 days ago

"The Initiate": The descriptions in the prologue are vivid, exotic, and interesting. Regardless what I may think of the genre, this author is skilled at creating an interesting setting/scene and introducing interesting characters that capture the reader's imagination. The author even manages to weave in a bit of philosopy without even sounding "preachy." I would say that the book is off to a good start.

As to weaknesses ... minor but sentence structure could be improved with a more formal placement of objects of prepositions: "The old staff he walked with" could be "The old staff with which he walked." Of course, there is a writer's conscientious choice in such matters, but it seems to me that the more formal grammar would be more in keeping with the writer's voice as I "hear" it thus far. Some books demand an informal approach but a more formal treatments seems appropriate to this story. Just an IMO.

F. Ellsworth Lockwood
"The Final Cruise"

EltopiaAuthor wrote 722 days ago

What is the allure of the vampire?

I don't understand people's fascination with the genre, but I will take a look at the first chapter, as it was recommended to me by the author of Golden Moon, a book about as far removed from vampires as I could imagine. (Golden Moon appears to be about horses and the way they "think.").

The description is well done, to the point, makes the themes clear, not cluttered. An interesting conflict is implied, the researcher trying to "save" the vampires while they have their own plans for him. Worth a look-see.

F. Ellsworth Lockwood
"The Final Cruise"

Jess W@gn3r wrote 722 days ago

Hi Fanchon,

As I like both the plot of your novel and the style in your narrative, I am backing your book. I hope that you can take the time to look at my novel, Redemption.

~Jess

DMHeadley wrote 723 days ago

Well written and backed. Good luck xx

happypetronella wrote 725 days ago

The writing and the story are both excellent. On my shelf.

jdub wrote 728 days ago

great movement in the story, well written, backed, John Warren Lasting Images, please review, jdub

Duncan Watt wrote 728 days ago

Hi Fanchon ...

The second vampire book to night and like the other this has an original take on what, in some cases, have become very same-ish. The originalty comes from the way you introduce the characters and make them feel believable. you weave a unique spell with your writing that is difficult in this field.

Spotted one typo, in chapter 1 'catch phases' should be 'catchphrases'.

The use of 'had' I try to limit as it slows the story somewhat. I read a sentence first with 'had' and then without. In most cases the word can be omitted. (the same applies to 'that'). Before a word ending 'ed', as the word is already 'past tense', 'had is unnecessary: 'had presided', 'had served', 'had extended', 'had passed'.

I apologise for my pickiness. All the Best. Regards ... Duncan.

Gregory James wrote 729 days ago

Not my usual reading, but nevertheless, quite entertaining and very, very well written. Backed.

Gregory James

DP Walker wrote 729 days ago

Hi Fanchon
I love the way you manage to switch between times so effortlessly and your use of the English lanague is beautifully constructed. You obviously have a great imagination and have been able to draw this into your story. I'm not a fantasy fan, but would almost certainly buy this book.
DP Walker
Five Dares

klouholmes wrote 730 days ago

Hi Fanchon, The description in the prologue was evocative and rustic, giving Ciarn’s portrayal a convincing backdrop. His dialogue is enjoyable and so warm-hearted that when Garth shrieked, it’s as if he didn’t expect anything like that. A good character lead-up and then the contemporary man’s thoughts are also fascinating. These are inviting characters into a complicated vampire plot. Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

wespollet wrote 732 days ago

HI Fanchon, I truly enjoyed this p ortion of your book..I'm waiting to know what happens to Marina and this chance meeting (?) with Kyle the Vampire. I BACK this book! Harold Alvin(ICON)Wesley

DMR wrote 732 days ago

The Initiate - bravo! I thoroughly enjoyed the 4 parts posted here... Darren is a great character and it felt a bit voyeuristic peeking into the mind of a male (worried about being trapped by the pregnancy, etc).. this is original and absolutely compelling... I'm only disappointed that there isn't more to read - what happens ?!! well done.. Backed and best wishes
Diane
Good Blood

toussaint wrote 732 days ago

The Initiate

[Thank you for returning my backing. T. ☼☼☼☼☼]

Your prologue is excellent and promises a great mythic story. I’m afraid for me your story rather stalled in the next two long chapters of Darren’s relationship with Marina. Your narration is rather slowly paced for me. But when I got to the third chapter it came to life with a vengeance as Darren wanders by mistake into a gay club and meets Kyle. Now your narration enthralled me. Well, I’m gay, and so it’s now directly relevant to me and I can see how what for me was tedium in the previous two chapters informs what follows. The way you get inside Darren’s head and describe his out of control emotions is fantastic! You end with Kyle telling Darren telepathically that he’s a vampire. “What does that mean?”—please, everyone knows what vampires are!

One big nit, Kyle’s use of the second person. It’s not just about putting “st” on the end of words at random. Second person is so rarely used nowadays we don’t know how to do it properly. Hell, I’m no expert, but I would have thought there are several places where you got it wrong, like here: “one whom wouldst have thee properly forewarned”—“who”, surely? And as the subject in “one” wouldn’t the verb be third person “would”?—and also here: “tempting me sorely to quicken thine awareness”—wouldn’t that be “thy”?—and also here: “I wouldst prescript the wisdom”—the subject is “I” and so the verb should be first person “would”—and also here: “enjoy what wilt come”—same thing, “will”

I’m backing your book. I hope you can find the time to look at my book in return.

Balepy wrote 732 days ago

Fanchon - The Initiate reads well and I too like the first person narrative. Plenty of potential here so keep writing! Backed. Balepy (Freckles the Fawn)

Brittany Engstrand wrote 733 days ago

this almost reads like a fantasy in the beginning than a vampire thriller, which is somewhat a pleasant surprise. Your voice is unique and that is what will take your novel to a new level! Backed!

Brittany
My Last Notes

D. L. Stroupe wrote 733 days ago

I found myself wishing for more 'showing' than telling, but this is still beautifully written. I think it moves better as it gets into the meat of the story.

chvolkoff wrote 734 days ago

You really show the gap between the beginning with the old Druid, and the present with Darren and his Mom, and Marina. In three chapters, I have not encountered either horror nor erotica, but I have been quite entertained. As I have said before in other comments on other books, I am a vampire fan from childhood, yet now, post "Twilight", I am reluctant to read any piece of writing that says "vampire" in the pitch. However, this book kept my interest, and it looks like your approach to vampirism is very different from the pale, bland vampires of the famous quadrilogy. Well done, and backed!

Diane60 wrote 734 days ago

Read all 4 chapters and I must say the modern day stuff isn't clear. Perhaps a bit of the old and a bit of the new? Maybe that would make your narrative clearer.
The style of writing is good and i very much enjoyed the older story but did loose my way in the later chapters.

Diane

lionel25 wrote 735 days ago

Fanchon, your prologue and first chapter are a smooth, entertaining read. Happy to back the potential of your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Su Dan wrote 735 days ago

not another vampire book? i do not mind if there are vampire book, so as long as they are original. your book is and i shall surely back. on my watchlist for now...
su dan read SEASONS...

silvafox wrote 735 days ago

I'm not really into vampires, but your story might just convert me. I only intended to read the prologue, but found I couldn't stop reading. I think this book should do really well. Backed with pleasure.
Jennie
Lies and Betrayal

Winney wrote 735 days ago

What a fascinating ability with description you have. You paint the pictures, and behind the words are atmosphere. I'm impressed. Thanks for the read and good luck!

Lara wrote 735 days ago

Well done, backed.
Rosalind
Good For Him.

Shannon Lee wrote 736 days ago

I liked how the prolog was written, but you may want to separate the prolog from Chapter 1, it seems a little much to take it. But that is just me!
I wish you great success!

Shannon Lee

Mythic Blood

Sheila Belshaw wrote 736 days ago

THE INITIATE:

Fanchon,

I love the freshness and originality of this story ,which elevates it several notches above the usual mould of vampire novels. The pitch clearly illustrates that you have crafted a strong literary backbone on which your story will be built, giving the reader the comfortable and exciting feeling that he is in the hands of a born story-teller. And straightaway this is evident - first in the prologue and then in the elegance of your prose and the way you create tension and expectation in what first appears to be a perfectly ordinary situation.

Just two small things to watch when next you edit. Cut out unnecessary adjectives. And read your work out loud in order to adjust the punctuation. Some of the commas actually slow down the narrative, when it would flow better without them.

Good luck. This has great promise and will go far.

Backed with pleasure.

Sheila (Pinpoint)

zan wrote 736 days ago

The Initiate
Fanchon McClaren

The vampire craze has become so contagious, I'm finding myself enjoying these stories more than I thought I was capable of! This is a good one. I love your plot and indeed, I think the highlight would be to see Darren/Cairn initiated by his two millenia old vampire friends. What a sight that would be! I like your cover by the way. And this phrase that is said to have been repeated a lot, "It's a good life if you don't weaken", is it one that you made up? I like it. Great read so far and happy to have given it a spin on my shelf.
Zan

E A M Harris wrote 737 days ago

A suicidal vampire is certainly different, as is mixing them with Druids.

I haven't time to read much but the beginning of your book sets an intriguing scene. I wish you luck with it.

Cheers
Elaine
(Long Lying Below)

Julia Rhodes wrote 737 days ago

The Initiate is a very intense reading experience.
You certainly have a very good writing talent and you have created a good story.
I enjoyed reading it a lot and wish you the best of luck with it.

Andrew Burans wrote 737 days ago

You have a masterful command of the English language and you use it well. This is a finely crafted, well paced and well written novel in the vampire genre. Your prologue sets up the book perfectly and I especially like the first person narrative. Your use of imagery is excellent and your character development is superb. Backed with pleasure.

Cheers,
Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Kidd1 wrote 738 days ago

An interesting twist on vampire tomes. Your writing is excellent and your voice and tone keep the story edgy. Not my usual genre, but I liked what I read and back it.

I hope you will give mine a read and back it if you like it .
Best,
Robert
Golden Conspiracy

mikegilli wrote 738 days ago

Enjoyed sampling your excellent story.
No typos but the pitch seems too long,
part of it is in the past tense?
Sorry no time today for a decent review.
backed with pleasure......... mikegilli The Free

Owen Quinn wrote 738 days ago

Good pitch and the opening is very good, very atmospheric with the Druids and their ancient ceremonies. there's a gandalf quality to the head druid and hooks aplenty to keep readers going. the imagery is good, allowing the reader to see what was going on, in an accessible way. Well done. Backed.

soutexmex wrote 738 days ago

Welcome aboard, Fanchon. This website will improve your writing craft, if you allow it. You have to think of your pitches as your sales tool to grab the casual reader's eyes. The short pitch is a bit much; concentrate on one item. With the long pitch, end it with a succinct question so it piques your reader's interest. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

SusieGulick wrote 738 days ago

You are like totally fantastic, Fanchon! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my 2 memoir books?
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :)

Fanchon wrote 739 days ago

These people blowing smoke up your bum to get your backing. Your prose is very wordy and awkward. For some reason you tend to bog your writing down with details that are not intrinsic to the plot. When you throw in irrelavant details to breathe life into the world, you should try to do so in an artful way that works with the narrative, not against it. In other words, add minor details like "hand rubbed" in sparingly, when needed to balance out a sentece. Do not stop the narrative and throw them in, as this makes for a choppy awkward read. You might as well say: This has nothing to do with the story, but I'm going to right not and mention that this fione staff is hand rubbed--just thought i'd mention it in case you're in the market. I'll give you a good price. I've red the first couple of chapter and you make the same kind of mistke consistently, along with a fe others often made. I think with some polish though you can turn this around. goodluck



Sorry this was not your cup of tea. I have taken your remarks into consideration.
Instead of reviewing your book, I have decided to review your review of my book. :) These are some of the errors I found. I think you might want to think twice before excessive criticism of someone else; people in glass houses and all that.

"sentece"
"but I'm going to right not and mention that this fione staff" Huh?
"i'd"
"I've red the first couple of chapter and"
"you make the same kind of mistke"
"along with a fe others often made"
"goodluck"

Good Luck to you too,
Fanchon

snave wrote 739 days ago

Ah the druid caught me - excellent and this is my stuff. i remember reading books twenty years ago fom an author who was superb. Yours here is equally as good - andy

Linda Lou wrote 739 days ago

hullo Fanchon. your story spans several time 'zones', with totally different charecters shown in each change. others have made editing comments so I will let that lie. my Word program has a check/correct mechanism which has helped me see needed edits which I had missed. interesting concept. Already shelved and backed.
Please take a look at my book if you have not and thanks for that.
Linda Lou Long
Southern dis-Comfort
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=11421

Bill Carrigan wrote 739 days ago

Greetings Fanchon,

Yes, I'd be glad to swap reads. In fact, I'm already well into your novel, having read your pitch, prologue, and first chapter. First, however, I'd like to make a few suggestions that would enhance your chances with editors.

--Your short pitch isn't quite clear. Consider: [Darren McLeod must recall his earlier life with ancient vampires to save them from destruction. The vampires, though, have other plans--to initiate him.]
--I'd also suggest calling the Prologue Chapter 1. Title the next chapter [Los Angeles 1993] and get right into the story with Darren McLeod. Long prologues are a turnoff, sometimes confused with Preface, Foreword, or Introduction--even skipped. You might need a brief passage to bridge the gap.
--Again, the first sentence of the prologue is wordy. Consider something like [Melted snow and early spring rain had made the forest path damp and spongy. Cairn's old staff . . .]

All in all, I think you have an interesting idea, but keep the prose clear and simple. Style will emerge.

Take a look at "The Doctor of Summitville" and back it if you really like it. Meanwhile, I'll gladly back yours.

Best of luck, Bill

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