Lorelei

Lorelei

This is a very well crafted and paced story. I very much like how you have built the characters and then imparted deep torn tension through the situation of the marriage.
The hook act perfectly drawing the reader along. Then even more tension as new (and very impressive) characters are brought in to the plot. Characterisation is a very strong skill you have and you use it very well.

LORELEI: Way to bring one of the ultimate conflicts to life! Your writing is fast paced, tight and full of angst. Just as it should be for this genre! I love that Lorelei is strong and willing to buck conventions for the man she loves even if the consequences are dire. Well done!

Heidi
Pearl Edda

I like the way you've crafted the first-person present tense into this imaginative story. There's a sense of immediacy that draws the reader quickly into Lorelei's plight. Then you fuel the pace nicely with good hooks at the end of each chapter. You have a wonderful voice for this genre'. Well done. I'm happy to back it.

Richard Bard
BRAINRUSH (2010 ABNA Quarter-Finalist)

This is unique and a very creative piece of work. Your writing style is really good. The prologue and voice is believable. I can see people loving this story and rooting for Lorelei. Fantastic job.

Backed with pleasure.
Kristin
Demon in the Knight

Your story is imaginative and creative, something a little different, told with a confident voice. I like the feeling of excitement in the opening scene, her family so happy for her on this special day. You bring a sense of familiarity that makes the premise so engaging. An interesting beginning to a fascinating story. Your targeted audience is going to love this.

Lorelei
Sarah Hager

Your pitches caught my attention - an arranged marriage in the vampire world would never have been a plot I could invent - great storyline! Your chapter one, "Birthday" was nicely done - I could see your target YA audience liking this - based on storyline, and your use of effective, accessible language. "Your hair is a wreck." "Beauty is pain." "You need to fix your makeup." "Please try not to trip." There's a lot of activity, energy, life, flowing off these pages. Your narrative and very good dialogue all join together in a whirlwind of motion until the end of this chapter when she steps into the blinding light - and for the first time since I started reading, there seems to be silence, calm, absolute stillness, until she sees Richard walking towards her. Can't wait to turn the page. Happy to have backed this.

I really love the idea of an arranged "werewolf" marriage. Very unique! Great new spin on an old tale!
Write on! :)
D.C. Grace
The Sacred Oath

An arranged marriage by any name is a bummer, unless he's a really rich werewolf. Your book is a galaxy away.
Best of luck with this project! Backed a couple of days ago. Marianne (Saint Paddy and the Sundial)

Hi Sarah
This is really good stuff. You've used the first person well to help us identify with Lorelei and enable us to feel her pain at being forced to marry the wrong man. You managed to create a really good piece of fiction work that makes us think about the harsh realities of life in some cultures at the same time.
DP Walker
Five Dares

Hello Sarah. I like the concept of this unusual arranged marriage. The fact she is in love with Sean makes it intriguing. Knowing she hasn't met Richard makes you want to read on to gage her reaction and find out what he is like. He comes across as quite scary from his description, again compelling the reader to continue.
I've made a few pointers for you to consider, hope they're of some help.
1st Chap: (I think not) - In the next sentence you write (Lying through my teeth) This is not really needed as the first line implies this.
(Tracing the line of my dress, through the waves of my hair) It sounds like your hair covers the whole dress, maybe rephrase this sentence.
Sean says ('I'll be there the day you get married') It sounds like her marriage is in the future, maybe (I'll be there for you today)
(He shrug, not having anything to say to that) Try it without the words (to that) His reaction conveys those words.
In the 2nd Chapter, You really describe Richard well and make an impactive point about his eyes in the first paragraph. This will stick in the reader's mind. Then in paragraph 2, (Staring at his oddly coloured eyes) Try reading this without repeating (oddly coloured) You continue to make reference in this chapter to his (black eyes/too dark eye) None of this is really needed.
I think that if you do some editing, try to look through your work for repetition in descriptive words. I hope this helps. I've had some help from this site. I haven't agreed with all, but have taken from critique what I agree with. Best of luck to you! mariecapri (Cosmic Linx)

I love the first person narrative, and the MC is easily well-liked. Backed with pleasure. Best of luck with it!

Amy
Love Match

Sarah,
I think you created a wonderful story. I like how you really let us into Lore's head and let us know what she was thinking. However, I think you should spend some time proofing your work. For example, you overuse commas. You also, put periods where they don't belong--like at the end of what a person says. What I mean is, you wrote, "...what's going to happen from there." Aunt Felicity says.

The proper thing to do is,"...what's going to happen from there," Aunt Felicity says. You do this a lot. Be careful with it. It breaks the flow of your writing, and most importantly--it takes away from your story, which is certainly imaginative and fun. I can see young adult readers wanting to know more of what will happen between Lore, Sean, and Richard.

Good luck,
Lu-Lu :)

Lorelei

This is a very well crafted and paced story. I very much like how you have built the characters and then imparted deep torn tension through the situation of the marriage.
The hook act perfectly drawing the reader along. Then even more tension as new (and very impressive) characters are brought in to the plot. Characterisation is a very strong skill you have and you use it very well.

LORELEI: Way to bring one of the ultimate conflicts to life! Your writing is fast paced, tight and full of angst. Just as it should be for this genre! I love that Lorelei is strong and willing to buck conventions for the man she loves even if the consequences are dire. Well done!

Heidi
Pearl Edda

I like the way you've crafted the first-person present tense into this imaginative story. There's a sense of immediacy that draws the reader quickly into Lorelei's plight. Then you fuel the pace nicely with good hooks at the end of each chapter. You have a wonderful voice for this genre'. Well done. I'm happy to back it.

Richard Bard
BRAINRUSH (2010 ABNA Quarter-Finalist)

Such a unique and captivating story!! I would have bought this in a store, for sure and I want to have it in my hands. You've got a wonderful imagination, it really brings this story to life. The book so far has really had all the ingredients I look for a in a book. A strong main character in Lorelei tops it all off.

Missy
Mark of Eternity

You add new layers and twists to an old idea. The YA audience will eat this up!
xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

Your story was quite unique and I love the way the two interact with one another. It also helps that I am also a YA writer with a werewolf twist.
Hope there is more to come and will keep on my watchlist to see what happens next.
Amy J

Your pitch is exciting and your story is even better, written in a style which is crisp, clear, and engrossing. The first chapter, with Lorelei being dressed and made up, like a bride on her wedding day, is convincing and interesting. Then Sean arrives, and we find out that he and Lore are in love, but she's been promised to Richard since her birth. This could be set hundreds of years ago, if it weren't for the cars and the make up details. Your pitch has already told us that the arranged marrige is because these people are werewolves; but if it hadn't been for that, we would have taken them for normal, believable people. The meeting with Richard, when he takes her outside and begins to kiss her fiercely, is dramatic and gripping. When Lore pulls herself free, and escapes to run across country, we are really hooked in to see what happens next. Lore's return, and her second meeting with Richard, is excellently portrayed. When she drives to Sean's house, picks him up, and starts to seduce him, you have us gasping. Lore is a strong, admirable, tough and feisty girl, and we like her from the start. Richard is a very attractive character, someone with an edge, someone who, just as much as Lorelei, hates the arranged marriage set up. Sean, however, is a much more conventional person, and we are already hoping that Lorelei will fail to seduce him, and end up with Richard. Your plot is good, but more than anything else, it's your compelling characters who make us want to read on. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

The first thing that hit me was the confidence, here. You write with a firm, strong style and you use the facets of writing beautifully to draw in the readers.

Great work!
Abi xxx

Had a first look at opening pages and definitely has a hook and draws you in. Style and pace keeps you playing on the line. Will read some more as time allows (as ever here) and let you know how what I think.

Clive
Cincinnati Dancing Pig

This is unique and a very creative piece of work. Your writing style is really good. The prologue and voice is believable. I can see people loving this story and rooting for Lorelei. Fantastic job.

Backed with pleasure.
Kristin
Demon in the Knight

Your story is imaginative and creative, something a little different, told with a confident voice. I like the feeling of excitement in the opening scene, her family so happy for her on this special day. You bring a sense of familiarity that makes the premise so engaging. An interesting beginning to a fascinating story. Your targeted audience is going to love this.

Welcome aboard, Sarah. The short pitch is decent. That long pitch needs to be expanded on so we know more about the story itself. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

interesting idea, and smooth writing too, I would like to read more, best of luck, jen


Do You Believe In Angels?

Fabulously original storyline!

There are a lot of books on bookstore shelves about brides. This one should attract a lot of attention because the groom-to-be in this one is a werewolf. You have a good character in Lorelei because she's being forced into this marriage; makes her both likable and sympathetic. I think a young adult audience will like this a lot. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

I read what you have posted so far and you quickly engage the reader's interest and maintain it. Lorelei comes across as an intriguing MC, and soon gains the reader's sympathy. Did not notice any glaring typos, I leave that to the eagele-eyed. Good luck with your book, this genre is a popular one. Jim Darcy The Firelord's Crown

Dear Sarah, I love romance fantasy fiction - & your twist at the end - wow! Your story is a good read because you create interest by having short paragraphs (you may want to cut the longer ones in 2 or ever more for an easier read, so I don't get lost & miss the middles, as I tend to read 1st & last sentence because of my short attention span) & lots of dialogue was fantastic, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing/commenting on your book to help it advance. Could you please return the favor by taking a moment to back/comment on my TWO books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & the unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories." Thanks, Susie :)