Viene La Tormenta (Comes the Storm)

Thoughts on the pitch:

Boys “come of age.” Men come to grips. In VLT this is almostliteral as Terry Lockton takes one last road-trip with his long-time climbingpartner Henry to catch that last killer climb, to scale just once more thedesert’s unreachable heights that few men dare. It is a journey to test hislimits, satiate his free spirit…one last hurrah. And then it’s time to get real,settle down, face responsibility, raise his family.

The work:

A candid and thought-provoking exploration of what it means to be today’s man, to satiate the drive to be free, to live life on one’s own terms, to keep to the edge even while the modern world demands compromise inthe name of maturity and responsibility, family and love.

Tackling complexities and obstacles that all too often guide and lay the groundwork for life and how to live it, this is a novel that speaks to the primal spirit as it takes to task and questions the rational dictates,the status quo.

Composed in a voice both gritty and tender, much like its characters, it will stay with you long after the journey is finished, the last climb conquered.

S C,

I found your book to be worthy of a place on my shelf, so I backed it. Please take a look at my novel, DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS, for your possible backing. Your help will be appreciated.

Good luck and happy writing!

Dwain-Thomas

Oh my gosh. I was gripped... I read just chapter 2, and now have to go on, of course. What an amazing scene you have created, and the interplay between Terry's daydreams of his children and his situation on the wall is truly compelling (at least for me, maybe because I have two small kids, and can hear them saying these words... I'm guessing you've got small kids, too?)

Anyway, I have no real nitpicking to do here. I am impressed by the natural flow of your writing, and the easy skill with which you bring climbing terminology into the writing without confusing a non-climber.

The end of this chapter is confusing, but since I have not read on, I'm guessing that it is meant to be. The part about the motorcycle... and we are initially led to believe that Terry is climbing with only one other man, Raleigh, but then there are other names here. (perhaps I am just yammering on pointlessly and this is all fixed with Chapter 3. I will read on, and I apologize if that's the case).

The only note I have is that it struck me as false that this man, in this dire situation, would wimp out when mentally using the "F" word. I understand that he has small kids and so probably self-edits a good deal... but when truly faced with life and death, wouldn't he allow himself a true expletive? Not a big deal. Just wondered.

Nicely done. You are an excellent writer.

VIENE LA TORMENTA

Here is my portion of our first chapter read swap. I want to say that what really caught my attention was the title. Maybe it’s because I’m a Spanish teacher, but I love the Spanish! Also, your long pitch and short pitch work. They are short, sweet, and to the point. All that a reader really needs to want to read on. Good job with that! As I tell everyone, take what rings true and pitch the rest of what I say. Only you know what will work best for the book.

CH 1

I love this daydream. The contrast between this man in his home with his family, playing with his son, versus his reality on a cold icy mountain is really well done. My only suggestion would be to possibly put the flashback to the home scenes in italics or use some type of break to indicate the differences in thought/place. I don’t think this is necessary per se, but it might help make the read smoother though.

I also enjoy the use of humor that you are using in this otherwise bleak situation. Lines like, “Now he knew he was definitely, totally, one hundred percently S.O.L. Face to face with the certainty of his failure...” make this enjoyable. Your voice as a writer is really shining.

I am giving you six stars for your great use of suspense, humor, and flashbacks throughout this brief part that I read. I can tell there has been a ton of research and hard work poured into this and it shows. Good luck with getting this published!

Ashley
“Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket”

~Viene La Tormenta~

This is a gripping, full of suspense read! It reminded me of Touching the Void, Electric Brae and 127 hours.

The dialogue is also very funny - I realy like the made-up words and games between father and son.

6 stars and WL to read more!

Iman xxx

Miss Manners: http://www.authonomy.com/books/39355/miss-manners

I could literally feel the cold while reading the first chapter. There was a fair amount of specialised terminology I thought but that didn't get in the way of the evocative scene setting. The flipping back and forth between his daydream/illusion and the reality of his terrible situation was very well done indeed I thought. I don't usually like "childspeak" but I could see the reason for it here and it was like a pink cloud in the middle of a hurricane. Yes I thought this was well written, I hope to be able to come back for more after the old festive malarky but in the meantime I will star this and put it in my waiting list for my shelf in due course. - Cheers - Diane

I've read up to chapter five so far. I think you are doing a good job of telling a story of a guy who is on the brink of his life changing forever and finding out what is really important to him in life. You do a great job with the descriptions and I feel like I am there. You are handling telling the story in present tense well, which is a hard thing to do. I am finding this out first hand.

Some comments:

In the first chapter it was kind of hard to grasp what was going on. It did have me captivated, because clearly this guy is in some trouble. However, we don't figure out how he got there until mid-way through the chapter. Then when you told the reader how they got into that situation it was told in the past tense, which was a little jarring after being in the present. It might work a little better if you put the past tense stuff first and then work your way to the present tense. It might flow a little smoother. Also, you use a lot of technical climbing jargon and that can be hard to work through too.

I will be back for more. I am starring this because I think it has good potential.

Exciting, intelligent and great imagery, The tension builds from the first sentence. I've never read a rock climbing novel though I followed Chris Bonnigton's adventures in the early eighties and even met the guy once. Very evocative, I enjoyed your style and will pick this one up later. Good luck!

Cyrus

Hellion3

Blimey. The beginning really gripped me. I felt cold just reading it.

My knowledge of climbing is limited to Touching the Void, but this had a similar feel of what goes through the mind when things go wrong. I flicked over to chapter 6 too where solid writing skills carried the story along at a comfortable pace.

This is good stuff, and there's definitely a market for it. I'm starring it now, and popping it on my shelf as soon as there's room.

Wishing you lots of luck,
Diana
Pascual's Birthday

Good writing, and seems to keep it up all the way through...backed!

I too heard about your writing from Francis 13 ( otherwise known as name failed moderation) she said to look out for your books. She wrote 'The Letter' which you backed. I am going to put your book on my shelf to read some.

I took a look at chapter six because I was told that your writing there was stellar. Honestly? I couldn't agree more.

Good stuff.

Best,

Rena (Bunderful) author of Master of the Miracles

The early chapters have a lot to commend them. Sometimes you're over wordy, but other times your descriptions are excellent. It is also fairly different in subject matter from the usual run. Backed. Lara

GOOD FOR HIM

yep. i'm thinking this is better. did you change the description of the mistake he made? i liked it. i still don'[t totally understand what happened, but i'm pretty sure it's my own fault. i think to explain it in a way that i['d be able to visualize it, you'd have to actually draw me a picture or talk to me like a 5 year old and i'd rather just know he's stuck and keep reading.

the italics after 'he had thought' seems too long. i think some of it should be in 3rd person. it doesn't read like thoughts to me -the line about the way they were dressed, the storm hiding behind the mountain, indian summer. unless you make clear that this is how he imagines telling the story later. if he can.

the last poopypants reference - 'i mean, what chance do you have...' felt like one too many. to me.

these are my impressions, but you can ignore them all and you'd still have a great first chapter.

i've meant to come back for more chapters for awhile but ended up rereading your first chapter since i could tell it was different. i don't know exactly what has changed, but i'm not sure the italics is the best way to start. i think this version has too many amabushwacked/poopypants references. where i remember them standing out better before, they felt repetitive here and lost their impact, imho.
i still can't visualize exactly what has gone wrong but i understand that he's stuck. your descriptions of the sleet and of his shivering and hallucinating are beautiful.
while the edit of this chapter may be better on the whole, i do think you've lost something of the emotional quality that hit me the first time i read this. not sure that helps, but i mean for it to be constructive.

- Viene La tormenta -

(Based on chapters 1-3)

The premise and set-up of this is one that intrigued me because it shares a lot in common with one of my all-time favourite novels – Electric Brae by Andrew Greig -, those shared themes being climbing and a friendship between two males of a certain age being put to the test by the challenges that this stage in their life brings. From what I’ve read, these issues look to be explored well and with a subtle complexity of emotion that I enjoyed.

Something which marks Viene La Tormenta is the dialogue. This is an excellent example of rendering dialect in a way that is accessible to the reader. Not only does it appear in a manner that avoids confusion, it also gives a nice rhythm and flavor to the language of the characters, bringing the characters themselves to life.
The beginning is both full of suspense – in two meanings of that word – and light-hearted and funny, as we learn about the made up words and games between father and child.

Chapter two introduced the excellent dialogue and the dour mood of near middle-aged manhood. Personally, I did think the chapter could have been clipped a little though, with the conversation going on a bit longer than necessary. Just my opinion.

Chapter three introduces those familial problems that look to overhang the climbing trip and take us into the relationship between Harry and Terry, in how they deal with the issues that this stage in their lives throws at them. I did note a typo here:

“Well darlin”, that sounds terrific.

Should be:

“Well darlin,” that sounds terrific.

The only other thing I’d note is again a matter of personal preference. I find that when stories are narrated in the third person that I am jarred out of the narrative if I hear the protagonists’ thoughts rendered in the first person. I would much rather the narrator relays the character’s thoughts to me to keep me in the narrative. As I say, just a personal preference though.

Very good all round and something I enjoyed reading.

All the best with it,

Ross

I commented but it got lost in the system as you were updating:

1) Like the idea of an action book as well as an identity book as someone's life flashes before their eyed, really good idea on how to base souls serching in a realistic context for the average reader.

2) But I find the mountaineering descriptions a bit too detailed at times, like a description in an equipment catalogue when the average reader would be satisfied with a basic outline, instead of an expereinced mountaineers checklist to a rockclimbing shop salesman.

3) After a while the flashbacks and flipping between the immediate danger of death on the mountain and the soft family scenes became repetitive and I feel you could cut out "more of the same" and not lose the artisitc tension between teh scenes, rather than the real life tension of the protagonists body and soul as he tries not to die, as he wants to see his family again.

Or was that what you were aiming for?

I read your first chapter (Authonomy 2).

General comments: A gripping start. A courageous main character. Vivid imagery. Excellent tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter (Authonomy 2):
1) "I got you, daddy!" Capitalize 'daddy.' Since 'daddy' is used as a name, it becomes a proper noun and is capitalized. There are more cases where 'daddy' is lowercase when it should be capitalized.
2) ' ... and could feel the fine grit in his teeth.' Try to avoid using the verb 'feel.' Just describe the 'grittiness' so realistically the reader will experience it along with Terry. When you do this, the reader will be pulled deeper into the scene. There is another case of 'feel' in this chapter.
3) "COOPER WATCH OUT!" There is no need to write in all caps. Writing in all caps is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to figure out what you mean to imply with all caps. You don't want that. Use an exclamation mark to emphasize a sentence (which you have done). Also, if 'Cooper' is a person's name, put a comma after 'Cooper.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma.

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire" and, if it's worthy, keep it in mind when you next reshuffle your bookshelf?

Have a sensational day.

Al

I love the cover and the name of your novel.

The short pitch reminded me of Into The Wild, which I loved and I happily read on.

The Long Pitch: That’s one ridiculous run-on sentence. How about you break it up into a couple?

Chapter Two:

Don’t understand the beginning.

Daddy should be capitalized when the child is speaking.

I have no idea what is going on in this chapter. Is he in the storm on the mountain having flashbacks?

I am so confused and so I am moving on, because I can’t comment on this.

Chapter Three:

The first thing I’ve noticed is the personal pronouns in this chapter. The narrative is overrun with personal pronoun starts. Try utilizing other ways to start other than names, he, she, him, her. You can use adverbs, adjectives, phrases...look it up on the internet “ways to start a sentence”

The repertoire between Terry and Hacksaw is entertaining, but they actually are a bit snarky with each other. I found it amusing though. And I think you capture their friendship right off the bat.

This chapter is far stronger than the previous one. For one, I can actually follow it.

I am not overly impressed with the abundance of ellipses. An ellipses is to signify missing text, not a pause, like most people tend to think it is. I would work on weeded these out of your MS, they don’t add anything to it and makes it look sloppy, in my opinion.

When they are talking to the waitress it gave me a 127 Hours feel when he goes off with the two girls to go jumping into the water.

Both of your characters here, Terry and Henry, are charismatic and you definitely transfer that onto paper through their dialogue.

The writing isn’t bad. A lot of dialogue and not all that much narrative. It’s sort of hard to follow what is going on as there aren’t a lot of speak tags or directions in it. I’d toss in a few speech tags and some internal thoughts.

Which leads me to a question, is this limited third to Terry? I assumed so, but I don’t really know what he thinking of this whole situation.

Chapter Four:

The beginning of this chapter goes back to POV question. It’s almost like you are writing this as They. They did this. They did that. Their senses. I don’t get it. I would think it would be limited to Terry and his observations, especially over his friend. Without the limited to one of the characters it leaves the reader hanging out in left field not identifying with the story.

While you are great at dialogue there seems to be so much of it and it really isn’t broken up by much. After three chapters with these two guys, not much has happened. I am waiting on what is driving this plot. I am waiting on the inner struggle.

I am aware it is still shaping up and unfolding, but there is little rooting me to this story. I don’t really identify with either of the characters and while the dialogue is fun and I was excited over the premise, I feel it is missing that ‘personal’ feel to the writing. There are parts where you tell us what Hacksaw thinks and in the same breath tell us what Terry is fleetingly thinking. This merged POV leaves me confused and—without.

Your characters speak very similarly to one another so without the speech tags or directions sometimes it is hard to know who is speaking.

This is where I stopped reading.

I liked your story, I was really excited about it. The first chapter completely turned me off, but I am pleased I continued because you have to dynamic characters in Henry and Terry.

Things I think would improve your work?

One POV, focus on one person, or flip per chapter and make the third person limited. This will let the reader in on the character a bit more and identify with them, instead of thinking they are just pot head hikers.

Speech tags. It gets confusing without them.

Axing the abundance of “...” ellipses.

Adding in more internal thoughts and plumping up the narrative.

Look at your personal pronoun starts. I noticed you heavily rely on this when you begin sentences.

Reconsidering the first chapter or making it clearer.

Those are my thoughts.

Good Luck with this.

T.L Tyson – The Reign Of Billie Blackwater

I read Chaps. 1 -6, then skipped ahead to 13. Here are a few comments on how I see the book:

The opening really grabbed me. From the cold mountain climbing scene, I'd expect the book to be about how the guy falls to near death and his eventual rescue. There is a son mentioned, and I'd be hoping he'd see the boy one more time. As this is not what happened, I'd have to say that the opening didn't draw a clear link to the novel's major storyline. They're in the desert, the opposite of the snow. But the climbing is cetainly mentioned as their target.

Overall:
Conflict (the mental or moral struggle caused by incompatible desires and aims) didn't grab me. The two dudes are a bit snappy with each other but not in any conflict. There could be internal conflict, but that didn't come across to me. The characters weren't sufficiently contrasted and were fairly satisfied with their roles. Hard to know from what I've read if they had the potential to transform each other. But of course the old shaman, when he enters the scene, certainly could change their thinking.
The plot and events were logical and believable, but didn't increase pressure on the characters. Maybe the coming storm will do so. I think the story could be started later and most of the journey to get the the old station can be cut out. As this is written in omniscient pov, I didn't get enough of an idea about the main problems they needed to solve. At this stage, I don't believe that they can change and grow.
The pace was slow.
Characters were well described, especially the shamen, and the two dudes spoke to each other in a lingo natural to them. I'd like to see more of their goals and home life included.
Setting and environment are excellent. The reader can picture the desert, and the storm when it comes sounds threateningly magnificent. You add sight, sound, touch, smell and taste expertly.
Prose is good, with action, dialogue, description and narrative mixed to maintain interest.
Suspended belief is certainly achieved.
In Chapter 13, I'd love to know what the words mean. I think if he translated the important ones in his mind, it would add to the reader's satisfaction.

A couple of tiny nits in the almost faultless Ch. 13:
...Lucky for you I nap a lot any more. (I'd leave out 'any more'.)
Chips and candy all packed up too. Postcards too. (I'd say 'as well.)

Well done with a good story.

Viene La Tora. litfic review.

The opening chapter caught me in suspended pathos. It seemed very real. The second chapter is just what I'd assume would happen with someone drifting off into the sleep of death. The third chapter jolts the reader. Instead of the action, the main character is reliving the past, which we're led to believe is what happens as we pass into the hall of death, only this doesn't resemble any reckoning in front of a sober judge dressed in white.

A couple of things that jolted me:
Melting sleet dripped off his nose--now ghostly white... (He can't see his nose, and I believe this chapter is in the main character's point of view... to his toes, wrinkling the skin on his feet. (as above. Maybe say how it feels rather than how it looks.)

In Chapter 3:
This chapter appears to be in imniscient pov, which spoils it for me. I'd rather it stayed in the main character's pov.
Giving up he lifts his head ... (add comma after up.)
The waking up scene in the bus went on far too long for me. I started skipping paragraphs. Rather than lose your readers, try condensing so that you only use what you need to tell your story and get accross the irequired information.

SC,

This is a very strong, clever opening chapter, one that is sure to hook the reader. Clever, because of the way you personalize Terry's struggle from outset, with his thoughts about his son, Jason, things that run through everybody's mind in times of crisis, things that they'll miss most, which a reader can relate to, and sympathize with. This is very well done.

In the main, I found your more dramatic, action scenes, the bad weather coming in, the fastening of ropes, the falling ice to be right on the money, but on occasion some of your sentences seem overly long, a real mouthful, that detracts from the flow of the story. A good example of this, 'incoming ballisitc whistling preceding a new fusillade of slurry ice...' And on occasions you overload with adverbs and adjectives 'maddening trickles', 'violent fit' and 'intense shivering' all come in one sentence, and you might want to look into paring this down. In most cases, you make good use of dashes, commas, and shorter sentences to add pace and colour to these scenes.

That said, a very taut, exciting read, and I hope to dip in for more when I have more time.

Happy to give you my backing for now.

NA 'The Butterfly and the Wheel'

i just read your first chapter. from the pitch, i wasn't sure i'd be invested in this story, but you do a great job bringing in such original, fun details about his son. it orients the reader immediately- we know what's at stake here and we're rooting for him.

this is very polished with vivid descriptions and great dialogue. i read the whole thing through without any real stumbles.

for me, someone with no experience in repelling, i did get a little lost in the terminology- bolts and slings and carbiners. i knew something had gone wrong and the intricate details didn't matter to me. i don't know if there's a way to include the level of detail some of the audience will definitely appreciate without losing the rest of us.

who is james?

this is really good. i'll be back.

This first chapter is truly magnificent. Thrilling, assured, breathtaking. First class writing.

I could have read a few chapters, and said "wonderful." It would have been honest; this was good from the beginning. But I felt that there was more to this. So I read the whole thing.

I think you broke my heart. Good job.

I made a list of little typos and stuff that caught my eye, but of course they mean little to me at the moment under the strain of all the heartbreak. Mostly they amount to apostrophe problems - you need to comb for these, because you have lots of apostrophes where they don't belong.

A couple of spelling errors - Posole (not possole), Sensimilla (not -millia, and don't ask how I might know), Jeeves (Not Jeaves), Pinon (not pinion, unless you refer to feathers or car parts, and unless perhaps they spell it differently in Utah, which is possible. It's our State Tree here, and we spell it Pinon.) A few others, which I won't bore you with unless you ask, because I read it mostly for flavor.

I expected from the pitch a more Castaneda sort of thing (as Mr. Valentyn also mentioned) - and I was actually avoiding it. Nothing against Castaneda, but I wasn't in the mood. This is not very much what I was expecting from the pitch. Now, looking back at it, and having read the story, it's an accurate pitch. Maybe though, a bit heavy-seeming.

Not that the story isn't heavy, mind you. It's very heavy, heavy in an entirely different way from what I was anticipating. The concept of feeling panic as you realize your life is about to unfold all over you and trap you within it, resentful; the effort to reconcile oneself; the horrible, surprising loss. And the gain it represents.

And the idea that some people float free, while others do not - that some people work to build intangible things to succor them. That some of us never get there.

So, now I can say it:

Wonderful.

Interesting pitch. Got to Chapter 4, and I like the lush environment you've created. Great relationship between the 2 main characters and excellent dialogue, too. I'll read more when I can.

Finished Viene La Tormenta! Developed into a really tense narrative, with the mechanics of climbing expertly described—you can feel the sweat and the aching fingers and joints. The buddy relationship between Terry and Hacksaw was also nicely sketched, through excellent use of demotic dialogue. You can imagine a hardbitten Jeff Bridges playing Hacksaw, in the style of the Dude, if he's not too old! The ending was most sad and poignant, though there is that other dimension to proceedings, of course. A very enjoyable read, Scott :)

Read the first fifteen chapters and found it very amusing, the characters well drawn, and I loved the 60s/70s references—Carlos Castaneda, Merry Pranksters, etc. Will return for more when I have the time. Good luck!

Hello Scott -

Viene La Tormenta

Chapter Two:

"...raspberry red..." should really be hyphenated.

This chapter grabs attention effectively - the contrast between the present danger and background thoughts of Terry's son and home environment expand the impression of circumstance, thoughts and feelings. The descriptive dynamics here are excellent and accurately evoke the technicalities and dimensions of the challenge the climbers face.

"...bigger missiles of rock and ice whistled past..." - I feel that "hissed past" might be more syntagmatically appropriate.

"...back to the car from there no sweat..." Syntax: either use comma, or divide into two sentences.

"...god damned..." goddamned, is common form

"In a storm like this, getting it right..." Comma suggested.

"...ligature-tight..." hyphenate

"..unyielding as steel cable, had of course stubbornly resisted..." - allows more textual flow and reading ease.

"...dressed for a warm, late October, Indian Summer day" commas

"He could taste granite - flinty, with earthy overtones of dark loam..." - A wonderfully descriptive sentence, this certainly confirms your writing talent.

"Oh, God... Someone." I feel you need an exclamation, or imploring question mark here, otherwise to passive.

Chapter Three:

"You snooze, you lose." Comma

"Well, maybe not the day, but his life..." I feel that both "day" and "life" should be italicised to create the context.

"...until Terry is out of the bottom bunk..." The repeat of the proper name in the same sentence is redundant: "..until he is out..."

"...horse's patooty,..." apostrophe

"...litter the floor..." then in same para: "...lay drunkenly..." - mixed tenses - put all in present.

"...are a rowdy bunch, alright." - missing closing quote.

"...under-financed..." hyphenate?

I feel this chapter acts almost diversionarily - there is so much "about the van" - it acts as a (not constructive) hiatus - if you fill this out more with "private thoughts" about the coming climb, its technicalities, challenges, also projecting successes, return home, reaction, etc. it would work better and create more contextual flow in the evolution of event.

Chapter Four:

"...you're gonnna see Susan again..." typo

"...gotta have great chile..." is that the right form, not "chilli" perhaps? There is of course the difference between American and British English but to me Chile is a country.

"...but hatch-green..." - why capitalised, and should be hyphenated.

Chapter Five:

"..."Too Gone, too Long" by Randy Travis,..." Check capitalisation in second "two" plus should be in quotes.

The early technology of climbing, developments and history well done here - expands useful background, interesting, and prepares insight into coming challenges.

Overall impression to this point - an engaging story, evocative in its terrain and circumstance descriptions, certainly excellently informed as to the technicalities and techniques of climbing. Interactive dynamics between the characters evoke good contrast between their personalities and sense of mission. This is a good read, although I feel that in some sections I experience impatient anticipation - this could be eased by filling out with "future-looking" dialogue instead of just remaining in the present. I feel that with suggested corrections and some more expansion into interpersonal dynamics re "outcomes" this work certainly has good commercial potential.

Right, this is as far as I took it, Scott. Hope that this is useful to you - more perspective would take time and energy that makes impact on my own productivity but if you'd like that, how about some reciprocity?

Warm Regards,
Frank Valentyn

Your book's pitch reminds strongly of Carlos Castaneda's work on the sorceror Don Juan "transparently" choosing Carlos as his apprentice - I look forward to reading it which will do as soon as time and circumstance permit!

FV

This has fun dialog and fast moving action. I don't think it is literary fiction but it certainly is a thriller.

There are two elements that could add to your story: characters and setting. You can do more to help the readers identify with the characters and root for them. Besides that they are funny, why else should the reader want them to survive? What is important in their lives? When their lives flash before their eyes and they fear losing something, what is it? The reader must fear the loss and root for them to make it. Let the reader see that the characters are worried about death.

As for setting, make it more clear where they are, what the amazing view looks like and the details they see along the way.

You're off to a good start so I'll back this.

Good luck,

Brian
Mute

Just brilliant, great first chapter. I have just seen the film 127 hours and it reminds me of that - the exciting edge of the seat action. This is the best beginning that I have read on this site so far. Well done.
Bradley Haynes (Tricia)

Hell of a new first chapter - THAT'S a grabber! Brilliant writing (although nitty editing required), takes you along with every second. Who'd have thought you can start a book with a cliff-hanger!!!! You're on fire! The second chapter is also a blast - VLT (which began as a great novel) is now growing in stature incrementally.
Bill Booker, Trippers

Nice first chapter S.C. - You've really broken into the a 3-d sensitivity by mixing family and friends into Terr'ys pre-death(life passing before your eyes) in chapter one. It's a great change and growth from last year when we met.
Smart move too....instead of starting the focus of the story on a dirty volkswagen scene....you upped the stakes by using the (opening image) in a spot where it counts....a glimpse of the ending, but we don't quite know what happens from that fall(as far as I am at the end of Chap 1)
Good imagrey, good mixing of the family tender vs. the cold granite.
Now I know you will be just the man to tackle the 2nd draft of "Buggers"
Funtastic!
-s

I like your writing. I read to chapter four quite happily. I liked the first chapter - the thoughts of home sandwiched into what he's doing. Realistic and nicely observed. I like the look back to where he's waking in the van - good character and situation set up. I liked following the two on their journey - getting to know them. The pitch was very intriguing, so I know what's coming, and I enjoyed the journey to get there. You write with an easy style that creates pictures in the mind. Your dialogue is believable, and you write about 'ordinary things' in a way that makes them necessary to the story. I have to put dinner on now, but I'll be reading on, and will likely comment again. Have put you on my watchlist for now.
Cariad
STONES.

It Well, you did ask for this, so you have only yourself to blame. ;–)

You said you had little formal training in writing. That’s something that’s easy to fix, and cheap, too. But first some generalities:

In looking at this story you’re giving us the entire day, rather than the essence of it. Thus you devote 433 words, placing the reader well down third manuscript page, to having your protagonist wake up. To quote Alfred Hitchcock, “Drama is life with the dull bits left out.” You need to leave some of that out to make the writing dramatic.

When writing a scene there are several important items to think about. First, there must be a scene-goal, one that the protagonist feels necessary. For example, our protagonist leaves the house. We know he’s bound for the post office, and that he has ten minutes to get there before it closes.

As he leaves the house, a neighbor rushes over to tell him that she’s locked herself out of her house. It’s reasonable to assume that getting the woman in the house is the subject of the next section of the story. This is reinforced when she tells us that her toddler is in the house, unsupervised. But let’s go back and add a scene-goal. Now, our protagonist is going to the post office to mail something that will change his life, if it gets there in time. So what he’s trying to do is important.

How does that change things? Now, when the woman presents her emergency the reader sees a problem: will our protagonist make it to the post office, and if not, what happens?

The scene goal and the fact that it’s thwarted introduces tension. The reader isn’t told that the man if worrying about making it because there’s no need. And as the man tries to find a solution that will allow him to reach the post office we worry for him—and make suggestions of our own, which makes us a participant in the action.

It’s an unspoken rule that as the scene progresses the protagonist will work to get the scene-goal back on track, until it’s obvious that it can’t be done. Thus, through the scene tension continues to increase, and the reader’s concern rises.

But in your scene things drift. There’s no goal the reader is aware of. You’re providing a chronicle of events, not a coherent story. This can work if: you’re developing character, setting the scene, or moving the plot forward in some way. It can’t work if things are just happening.

What you’re doing is working cinematically. You’re visualizing the movie that will be made of this story, and presenting a description of the scene in progresses. But what’s happening, so far as the reader knows? Nothing.

Here’s the thing: if what our people are doing isn’t more interesting than what the reader could be doing, we lose. In your first chapter the only thing that happens is that a main wakes up, talks with a friend, and buys breakfast. And that takes six manuscript pages. Yes, you try to dress it up with “guy talk,” but in the end it’s a guy waking up and going to buy breakfast. Then you zip them down the road and show them ordering lunch. And what have they done? Nothing. They’ve talked about generalities and had a conversation with a waitress the reader will probably never see again.

It’s not a matter of writing talent. It’s not a matter of the fitness of the story for telling. It’s a matter of using the techniques designed for writing on the page instead of those designed to aid verbal storytelling, or describing cinematic action. It’s a matter of presentation, and squeezing out the fat to provide the essence of conversation, rather than the conversation.

Take a look at this article. It’s the one I usually suggest, because the technique talked about is at the heart of placing the reader on the scene rather than talking about that scene:

http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/scene.php

You already have the desire and the story. You’ve demonstrated the ability to stick with the project. What’s missing are the tools that will take your story, as it exists in your head, and move it to the reader’s head, intact. The book the author of that article suggests is the one I usually recommend to new writers, because it is the best I’ve found at breaking a scene down to what matters, and explaining how to talk the reader. It’s a great place to start.

Jay,
Thanks buddy. The blame does rest solely on my shoulders, as your suggestions were solicited . . . and over the course of wrestling with bringing this story to fruition, I have attempted in my way to satisfy the goals that you have illustrated in your comment . . .
If you have the time or inclination to hear me out, I can only offer the following in defense of my storyline:

There are two goals presented in the first chapter.
1) Terry doesn’t want to face his life, wishes there was a way for him to just disappear. Why?
2) Hacksaw is gnawing at the bit to climb, and to finally climb at Indian Creek, obviously a coveted climbing destination . . . and get there in time to find a good campsite (A very important achievement for gypsies).
Hacksaw’s goal is completely at odds with Terry’s goal.
Terry tries but fails to achieve his goal. He and we must defer to Hacksaw’s irresistible force and wait to find out why Terry wants to forestall what October will bring, and how he might achieve that.
In this chapter we find out that Hacksaw has a rowdy past, that he is a loner, that conventional goals mean little to him, that climbing means a great deal to him, that he is a rascal, abrasive, talented, a lothario, likes living on the edge, cares not about appearances, lives hand-to-mouth, plans on wintering in Baja California, following warm weather just like a gypsy.
We find out that Terry is his wingman, that Terry isn’t as gung-ho of a party machine as Hacksaw, that he has a future he is loathe to face, that he is the voice of reason in this partnership (an uneasy one it seems), is more concerned about propriety, appearances and being a part of society than Hacksaw.
We see that living out of a van is normal for Hacksaw, not so for Terry.
Terry wants to get gas to be prudent. Hacksaw want to cut their wiggle room to a sliver so that the trip becomes a game. Hacksaw wins, seeing as it’s his van and he’s the tour guide. So they take off into an inhosptiable desert, beer and calorie rich, but with bald tires and a half-empty gas tank, stoned to the gills.
So I think I am developing character, setting the scene and moving the plot forward. Perhaps I am mistaken, and nothing is actually happening except in MY mind . . . but my intent was to advance these plot devices subtly, in a more Zen-like manner, where small events reveal deep tendencies and truths.
In Chapter Two we learn that Hacksaw is charismatic, is (always) on the prowl (even the day after spending time with a girlfriend of some importance and partying all night), that he is a player, that he has history in Tucson that he would rather not be reminded of or share, even to advance his cause with the waitress, that he considers the pursuit of climbing to be so far beyond the ken of normal people that he doesn’t even try and explain to Yolanda the difference between hiking and climbing, or use it to try and impress her with his manly endeavors. We learn that he makes up the truth as he goes along, telling Terry that he has a job in November and will pay him back then, but slips up and reveals he’s thinking of bagging the movie gig in favor of circling back around to spend the time better on a little fling with Yolanda, then tries to cover his gaffe by changing his story again for Terry’s benefit.
This triggers the realization in Terry that he forgot to make a very important phone call two days ago (because he doesn’t want to face up to his challenging future), and that he needs to buckle down and make the call.
We learn that Hacksaw understands Terry’s problem and has empathy for his friend, that he believes Terry’s wife, Susan, is a good woman and a strong partner, who deserves Terry’s best effort.
We learn that Hacksaw could bed Yolanda as soon as she gets off her shift, but that climbing, and the purpose of this road trip (due to culminate in Moab in one week) is more important, and that he is so self-assured that he believes he can come back after dropping Terry off in Moab and pick right up where he left off.
When Terry comes back to the table his whole mood has changed.
He notes the chemistry arcing between Hacksaw and Yolanda, and is chagrined at Hacksaw’s easy-come, easy-go lifestyle and amazing success with the women.
Hacksaw asks, without appearing to be invested in the answer, how Susan is.
Terry answer is perfunctory, exclusionary, negative. Suddenly Terry is anxious to get to Indian Creek and get back to climbing . . . perhaps climbing can distract him from whatever turmoil he is experiencing with Susan, having something to do with the advent of October . . .
Once again, I was trying to go for mundane, everyday situations that belied deeper content than the words or actions, showing forward momentum and conflict, but not overtly so . . .
If you read any further, be forewarned, there are several short chapters that are primarily (gasp) narrative . . . maybe 1,000 or 1,500 words in all. If you can digest these without experiencing nausea, and then manage to persevere, you might find VLT has all that you request in your prose, if not following exactly your sense of urgency, pacing, or method of plot development . . . then again, I understand that one adopts a certain style of reading manuscripts here on Authonomy and looks for the big guns right out of the gate, as the result of reading 10,000 manuscripts can often be speed reading and desensitization . . .
Or, I am full of it, and refuse to acknowledge the shortcomings of my effort . . .
At any rate, this may hopefully motivate you to take a second look at the words between the lines in the first two chapters. I really did try to make every sentence, description, and action have direct connection to the eventual outcome of this vignette of a story about life-changing choices and simple truths . . . I would liken my effort (attempt) to paintings by Edward Hooper: quiet, simple scenes that reveal inner realities.
I thank you for your instructive comments and shall mull over their import for many days to come. Perhaps you have shown me I’ve missed the mark with my effort. If that is my ultimate conclusion I will jazz VLT up a bit and thank you for it. If not, then this exercise has deepened my understanding of why I wrote it this way, and my confidence in it. Either way, thank you again . . .

I little slow to get going. A couple of spelling errors, not sure if they were intentional or not, so I won't nit-pick. Backed and rated.

Cat
Twisted
Lies & Love

Wonderful dialogue is the hallmark of this buddy/buddy tale of two not quite over the hill climbers on a last climbing/road trip before the onset of middle age crisis. Its obvious that these guys have a deeper emotional relationship with each other than with the women in their lives. A slightly younger Jeff Bridges would be perfect for 'Hacksaw', the 'alcohol based life form' who is one of the two MC's. For Terry, well the author would have to choose who would play him in the film version of this epic tale as I guess Terry is a loose version of himself. I wonder if this would work better with an 'I' voice (as Terry) and past tense rather than an omniscient authorial voice and present tense. The sequence where Hacksaw mistakenly drives past the last petrol station and the omniscient authorial voice relates his character and motivations at length would sit better if it came from Terry who was well aware of the error and knew the petrol was about to run out. Anyway I am only six chapters into this. The writing is fresh, the characters perfectly formed, the unfolding story compelling (reminded me of 'Sideways' to some extent) and I will be reading on.

Smooth, professional writing, rich and realistic dialogue, colourful characters and a search for the truth. This book has a lot going for it.

My only nit was with the first chapter which, while successfully establishing character and situation, I found to be a little slow moving. It seemed all the more so because of the speed and flow of the dialogue, but that may be just me.

Good luck with this - it's a good book.

J.S.Watts
A DARKR MOON

Mystery is playing crucial role in your novel. Searching for something may give searchers nothing. But, in your novel, searching in the midst of problems in life is giving much more things. This is much more things which are good feast for readers.

Joy J. Kaimaparamban
The Wildfire

Its been fun revisting this. The dialouge is so swift and ties in the relationships between the men. Its quick and easy to get into. You have an unsual writing style but one that works really well.
Sue
Knowing Liam Riley

I'm in ch 1. Here are my notes:

I know these guys. I grew up wit them. Love the first 2 paragraphs

Such images: Neadertal face, feathers. You've my confidence.

You let us into the past with dialogue, past parties, relationships (or lack thereof)

Your images of the van are impeccable

The dialogue is wonderful. It's hard for me to take notes. I want to keep reading

I smiled and laughed all the way through this. So real. So much texture. This is a really, really good story.

I want a PDF.

Hi SC, You've a lovely and lyrical way of writing. Imagery is really key and in a tale of this nature, it really rounds it out nicely and brings it home to resonate. I love the slow and steady character build which lets us savor some of your more alluring passages. I've very intrigued to see how this concludes. Wonderful end of chapter-hook on two. Shelved and Best of Luck! JupiterGirl (Twins of the Astral Plane)

I forgot to mention that I like the recursive nature of the ending, with UB40 playing. That worked well, I thought.

Overall I thought this a fine piece of writing, and hope that it gets a chance on the bookstore shelves. The climbing is so well written I've been dreaming I was back out on the rock. My dismay when I realised I had no boots was, well, interesting. The book works, it doesn't take the easy route, but goes for it up an off-width crack, asking a few difficult questions as it goes.

Again, thank you.

The last third of the book lives up to the preceding chapters, trouble is, when I read them through first time I forgot to take notes. Too engrossed. Doh. Second time around then:

At some point before the climb some idea of the nature of the Wingate sandstone might be imparted, possibly through how the landscape and the vegetation reflect the nature of the rock, roots splitting the soft rock along a weakness worked by millennia of sun and snow ... Size of the grains from tactile descriptions, friability, the size of the chunks that might fall at inopportune times ...

Chapter 26

Gripping, I really felt this climb, it made me think of the Roaches, the bastard that is an off-width crack. I wondered about your spelling of Olly olly oxen free, but it has so many variants ... I'd be tempted to go with the most common, though. The pacing worked really well for me, and the language seems just right.

...there is absolutley nothing to stop the screaming plunge

It's a great point to finish the chapter.

Chapter 27

Again, really sweetly paced, it could possibly do with a little more appeal to the sensorium, the thin taste of fear as the mouth dries, the feel of the rock (how even a huge chunk of solid rock can seem insufficiently substantial when you aren't too sure you'll remain attached to it), the isolation, the focus, giving a mental distance from everything else - a feeling like being underwater or on the edge of sleep - or however you might put it. All impressions seem to be so definite at crunch times like this, as well, an intensity that most people don't seem to be privy to - at least without drugs. I don't know, maybe being hyper-aware of, say, the course of a trickle of sweat. Whatever. One or two telling touches to make it that little bit more solid. Hopefully something that non-climbers can relate to as well. Again, a sweet finish to the chapter.

Chapter 28

As you will have noticed, when I read through this first I got so involved that my note for this chapter (below) is under the heading Chapter 26...

pants fouling could be hyphenated.

I'm not entirely sure about "he grips it maniacally tight" maniacally seems a little awkward as an adjective here.

he can't afford taking the time to wipe it away - afford to take the time?

Perfect place to finish the chapter, again.

Chapter 29

The post-stress reaction is captured really well, the rush that subsumes rational thought ebbs, only to give way to panic as he realises his error. This feels so right, such an accurate depiction of the way someone can be their worst enemy. Very well paced again, and gripping. I'm impressed at how well sustained this hold on the reader has been.

Chapter 30

violently to the end of his rope

I personally prefer 'diffusing some of' to 'trying to diffuse', as trying implies intentionality on the part of the rope. Not being a pantheist and being low on the old anthropomorphising tendencies, I don't think of rope as having volition and intention. I may be wrong.

Toni Kurz

I would possibly point up the retching, the feel of it, the discomfort of dry heaves as the whole body spasms to no avail, also it could be used as a metaphor ... cheap, I know, but hey.

Another fine chapter. The pacing again seems just right.

Chapter 31

The change of setting and viewpoint was a little jarring, possibly because I was so immersed in the predicament.

A lot of editors seem disinclined to acquiesce to an author's intention to include a dream sequence. I've never been too sure why.

Possibly 'It was a timeless vista; aloof, serene.' ???

Chapter 32

Why (else?) would he have attempted such a climb... ??? Laying it on with a trowel, I know, but we tend to do that when we feel guilt. A finely portrayed recognition of the change in Terry.

The philosophising over the last few chapters has not offended my sensibilities, a rare occurence. It has dovetailed with the narrative and has not appeared forced or false.

Chapter 33

... find his way back, wake up (the comma here feels wrong - a dash possibly?) it has happened before ...

I'm not quite convinced by the 'Kaboom' it seems a little flip for the situation, but I'm not sure what else to use (immediate thoughts were excise the word but leave the space), and I also recognise that certain people react that way when the shit hits the fan. It's whether it hits a false note for readers other than me, I guess.

A good heavy question to end the chapter. One that I have no answer for, and I think very few people do. It is no fun to face it, and it is absolutely in place here, along with the self-questioning that goes with the thought.

Chapter 34

If he is thinking in this disembodied manner, would it be a headache?

... I can't afford (to be?) lagging too far behind

... a beginning or and ending

Again, a perfect point to finish the chapter. I am a little less sure about the tone of this chapter than the one's preceding, but have no experience to relate it to - fortunately. It didn't ring false, but it seemed a little too coherent, in some ways.

Chapter 35

Good pacing, interesting set-up, a shade mystical for my tastes, outside of an overt fantasy, (but I'm a dyed-in-the-wool-materialist-cynic-curmudgeon-in-training). It also hasn't given away the ending, which is good.

Chapter 36

does the thunderhead have a persona?

Chapter 37

I felt that Susan's description of the dream could be a little more concise, apart from that (oh, and the words 'The End' at the end), I thought this was an excellent chapter. I was pleased that you didn't bottle out on Terry dying, not that I dislike the man, but it seemed to be what was in store for him from the get-go. Hacksaw's reaction to a funeral was so familiar that it gave the chapter a feeling of reality that helped the impact.

Viene la Tormenta
Good writing
Backed
Eveleen
(Turning a new leaf)

S.
I wanted to tell you that I find your synopsis very intriguing and my hope and expectation is to read your material very soon. With a limited amount of shelf space and the implementation of the new guidelines, you've no doubt discovered, as I have, that each decision to back a book is more challenging than ever. I do hope your work gets all the attention it deserves. Good luck and best wishes.
D. K. WILLIS
THE THIEF ON THE CROSS

Chapter 15

I particularly like your book because of the references to Native Americans and Spirits since it feature heavily in my book, but not in the part loaded. I like the animal part like you do with your eagle feathers and the magic that helps him climb. The dream is very visual. I love roasted marshmallows but haven’t had them since I was a child. This is a captivating chapter with wonderful imagery. Happy to back.

Tony
Life Bringer

Judging the amount of comments you have and having read some of them there is nothing new left for me to say so I will give you what I can which is simply

BACKED