Don't Forget

Don't Forget
Adair Perkins

It's purple! It's not purple! It's purple! It's stupid, I'm not wearing that. You have a start which your target audience will find interesting. Perhaps you could provide some more detail about your plot/characters in your long pitch which is too bare at the moment. Also, a cover would really make this stand out. "Ah delicious warmth. I curled under my covers and went to sleep." This is very inviting - I am tempted to follow suit, but want to read a little more first. In the meantime, was pleased to give this a spin on my shelf.

Great book for YA. It's good you start right out with dialogue but i beleive we as reader can get a bearing if we knew Sam and nathan better and where aare they. This is easily weaved oon to the dialogue.

Oherwise excellent and energetic.
backed

Adair, you have a good mix of dialogue and narrative in that first chapter. Quite enjoyable. The only thing I can suggest is to try avoiding using "it" so much. You can use "that" or just eliminate the word in some sentences.

"Sam, look (at it.) It's purple." Words in brackets can be eliminated.
"I'm not wearing it[that]. It's stupid." Switch "that" with "it."

Hope this helps.

Happy to back your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

I love odd and quirky characters like Sam, they soooo make a good book!!!
Your great characterisation supported by equally good narrative moves this along very well. Very skilful use of hook, keeps the reader wanting more, great structure well written – Good luck.

Hi Adair, The conversation and the spare but telling detail make this very readable so that I wasn’t thinking about how it was written. Liked the momentum and the dilemmas with Nathan. It brings up the issues of friendship with guys but that isn’t what Sam wants, is it? As that’s true before the amnesia, I expect the story would become more compelling. Written well for the age group! Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

A nice and easy read, it's got such a good feel to it. Well written also. I think you've got something that is perfect for your target audience. There are some great hooks to keep the reader involved, I know I wanted to keep reading to find out more. I enjoyed this and really like your writing style.

Missy
Mark of Eternity

Your pitch promises an interesting plot, and you certainly have it. Sam is a great central character, likable, quirky, and smart. Nathan is a sweet, attractive guy, more interesting than the standard hero, with his class comic reputation, and we can easily understand Sam falling for him. You build up your story line well, with a lot of humour, which is always a bonus, and when Nate breaks up with Brittany and takes Sam to the concert instead, it looks as if their relationship is moving forward. Then comes the shock of the accident. ' "Nate!" I shrieked. Then all I could hear was the sound of twisted metal and everything went black.' This is a great end of chapter hook. You write well, with a smooth, flowing narrative style and good dialogue. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

I liked it very much and so will your target audience, punctuation is an easy fix, good luck, backe. E.Loraine Royal Blood Chronicles book one

Very nice young reader's piece, moody, just like the teens. "Do I know you?" he asked. Great problem to resolve, and reason to keep reading. Backed earlier. Marianne (Saint Paddy and the Sundial)

This is going to be hard to put down and I will come back for more, well done. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

This is a great opening, and I'm a sucker for romance. I suspect I'll be back to read the rest soon. You've got something with a lot of promise here, something the YA will love, and a bit of polish, particularly making sure you're punctuating dialogue correctly, will make this outstanding.

For example: "Mr Maskowitz was good too." I replied

Whenever dialogue is preceded by the action of speaking (said, replied etc.) the punctuation inside should be a comma, question mark or exclamation, as appropriate, not a full stop, and the "She replied" bit should be a lower case s on the she.

This is a pretty helpful source to explain it better than I can: http://www.writing-world.com/fiction/dialogue.shtml

Best of luck with this, and it's really great work!

Abi xxx
Relic

Romance isn't my genre, but I saw this on someone's shelf and decided to take a look. You have a really nice opening here - it's engaging and real. Just the right amount of description without bogging down in it. Good luck with it!! Backed. :)

Taken an initial look (time as ever at a premium on Authonomy). Good pace and strong dialogue. I like the style, especially as targeted at a particular core readership, and way the opening draws you into the story; characters that have some depth and hooks that set the trap.

Clive
Cincinnati Dancing Pig

Loving this story! Your pacing is fast, which I always enjoy, and you use short paragraphs and plenty of dialogue. Perfect for a young adult audience. You've also very successfully built tension and characterization for Sam, though Nathan could use more personality development earlier in the story.

My only complaint was the 'mirror description' at the end of chapter one...very cliche, and editors hate it. I'd suggest coming up with a more unique way to describe your MC.

Regardless, you have a great story going...backed.

~Jen

This is an interesting story. Everyone wonders at some time what it would be like to lose all of your memories; would it change you if had no past? Could you just rewrite a new future? Which makes the premise of this book a winner. Both Sam and Nathan are good characters; you've fleshed them out well. Makes this a good read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Welcome aboard, Adair. This site will improve your craft. Since you are a newbie I won't gig you on the pitches but they both needs work. But on the short pitch, make it more detailed. And you know more in that long pitch. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Dear Adair, I love the intrigue - does he ever get his memory back? Your blurb is good because it prepared me to read your book. Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing/commenting on your book to help it advance. Could you please return the favor by taking a moment to back/comment on my TWO books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & the unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories." Thanks, Susie :)