Love and Sex at the Rio

Each word is carefully chosen to create well crafted prose. I like the way the first paragraph is a build up reflecting the build up of business at the hotel. The story has a great premise. I'm sure it will do well. The dialogue could use some tightening up, and you might want to shorten your prologue, but other than that I think this would do well.
xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

Thoughts as I read:

“all filtering into the hotel”- this phrase is unnecessary, since we already know that’s what they are doing.
Second paragraph should begin with “Doormen Diego and Hopkins…” That way, we know immediately who they are and assume that they are in the front of the hotel without having to be told. It also helps break up the distance between the word “doorman”, which you use more than once in this paragraph. You can later just say “newer to the job” because you’ve already told us they are doormen.

Diego’s dialogue doesn’t sound right to my ears. I recommend that you say it out loud and tweak it until it sounds like something a doorman would say.

“averagely attractive man”- awkward phrase. I recommend “moderately attractive” or “average-looking.”
“Knowing why the younger man was blushing, she smirked”- I recommend “She smirked at the young man’s blush.” I might also add some more dialogue to show the young man’s embarrassment at being caught checking her out. Diego could clear his throat and Hopkins could say “What? Oh, right. Sorry.” (or something like that- you get the idea)

The girl “seemed terribly tame.” Why? What was it about her that would make you say that? Show us how she is tame rather than just telling us she is, so that we can come to that conclusion by her actions and her words.
“husbands don’t tip if you get caught staring”- I liked that line!

I didn’t have so many edits with chapter 2, but I was a little disappointed that it was straight erotica. There didn’t appear to be any story or plot, just something you might read in a Forum magazine. The sexuality would have been better if written as part of an overall story, in my opinion, but if the intent is strictly erotica versus a character-driven novel, then it worked.

I hope my comments are helpful to you!

Cyndi

CJ: the short pitch works. The long pitch should be a short one-sentence explanation of each story so the casual reader can decide which one they wanna read. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

naughty but nice. I need a cold shower.

I really enjoyed the book and it made me feel pretty hot down there. I will add to my watchlist and back when there is a bit more of it to back. In return please would you read my erotica Driven bY Desire. You don't necessarily have to reaBring it on! d The Lynchcliffe Cuckoo first but it might give you a better idea about the characters.

Brilliant chick lit here, engaging, intelligent with sparkles of wit that really bring it to life. So immensely enjoyable. I'm afraid I wasn't playing close enough attention to the details of the grammar- I was too busy enjoying myself.

Excellent, and backed with pleasure!
Abi xxx

CJ -

Masterful job with these stories. The whole thing reminds me of the old classic movie "Grand Hotel", where the hotel was actually one of the mcs.

Backed, happily.

Best of luck with it, and I would love it if you could take a look at my book.

Thanks.


-Jeff Lee
THE LADIES TEMPERANCE CLUB'S FAREWELL TOUR

This is written with a clear sense of what is sexy. I liked what I read very much. I hope you the best with this. Backed for now.

Superb structure to very sensuous stories.
I think, the style and the build of these stories is amazing, extremely well put together and very, very sexually told. – Good luck.

Hi CJ, The glass of wine did go down well. I read four stories and thought they were all pretty well-written, entertaining and intelligently erotic (sounds like a contradiction) but I hope you know what I mean. Well done.
Backed with pleasure, Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

Good work, Backed. E.Loraine Royal Blood Chronicles book one

Thanks!

Enjoyable read and enticing book. Love the beginning.

backed
the lord of the dawn. Beyond 2012

Enjoyable read and enticing book. Love the beginning.

backed
the lord of the dawn. Beyond 2012

Thanks!!!

Noy my usual choice of genre so I won't comment on the content.
I did like the opening with the 2 doormen.
Your writing is for the most part very clean. I did think some trimming could help.
Here are a few suggestioned . Obviously just my opinion.
In her wake trailed an averagely attractive man…
[averagely doesn’t flow with the rest of the prose]
Consider something like – In her wake trailed an attractive man who looked quite average in her company…

Valentine’s Day [forever] became his favorite holiday [after] the first year [that] he held his job as [a] doorman at the Rio. [extra words] Sometimes less is more.

… offered stylish rooms, excellent service, a restaurant, and bars that for chic, rivaled any hotel in the city. [suggestion for rewording]

MickR - The nightcrawler

Noy my usual choice of genre so I won't comment on the content.
I did like the opening with the 2 doormen.
Your writing is for the most part very clean. I did think some trimming could help.
Here are a few suggestioned . Obviously just my opinion.
In her wake trailed an averagely attractive man…
[averagely doesn’t flow with the rest of the prose]
Consider something like – In her wake trailed an attractive man who looked quite average in her company…

Valentine’s Day [forever] became his favorite holiday [after] the first year [that] he held his job as [a] doorman at the Rio. [extra words] Sometimes less is more.

… offered stylish rooms, excellent service, a restaurant, and bars that for chic, rivaled any hotel in the city. [suggestion for rewording]

MickR - The nightcrawler

Each word is carefully chosen to create well crafted prose. I like the way the first paragraph is a build up reflecting the build up of business at the hotel. The story has a great premise. I'm sure it will do well. The dialogue could use some tightening up, and you might want to shorten your prologue, but other than that I think this would do well.
xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

Hi
Nice pitch then I read the first two chapters of your book I have to say that it didnt exactly do it for me. You could almost have started on chapter two and brought the doormen's observations in that chapter. I tried really hard but I just could not get my bearings what the foyer looked like how big or grand it was what was the setting? There were some odd sentances in chapter two -
Suddenly realing she had been wearing no bra - this sounds a bit clumsy why not just say she was braless? I see this is work in progress so I'm sure that you will have lots of changes before the finshed article. good luck with it.

Ray,

I appreciate the specific critiques. Thanks for taking the time to make them and I think you're spot on on most.

Regards,

CJ

Some of your sentence structure is exceedingly clunky and almost Dickensian in its complexity and I found your first chapter over-written.
Take for example the sentence which begins, 'Hopkins, a bit newer to the doorman job...'
This goes on almost interminably, until the connection between the initial clauses and the final clause is lost.
Your sentence structure will need editing before you think of presenting this to a publisher, not least because you intersperse blocks of 'telling' between the dialogue so that the continuity of the dialogue is lost.
You also need to edit your punctuation.
As just one example, there is no distinction between the statement and the question in the sentence: 'Welcome to the Rio International, folks, anything we can help you with?'
The first part is a statement and so we place a full stop at the end, as a complete sentence. Thus, 'Welcome to the Rio International, folks.' The second part is a question and so we separate it from the statement thus:
'Anything we can help you with?'
I would suggest you avoid an excess of adverbs as they add little to emphasis which should already be implicit.
For example, 'She seemed [terribly] tame.' I'm not sure that I would have felt terror at her timidity.
Try to avoid contiguous repetition.
For example, 'Behind her, her husband looked annoyed.' The ...her, her.. is clumsy and needs editing.
Also avoid cliche. People 'flashing' one another smiles is massively overdone and the stuff of airport novels which are slick but have no depth.
I hope these observations may help you to edit your work and then the craft will shine.

Ray

Soutexmex,

(And I love TexMex...)

Great comments. I also appreciate the suggestion on the pitch. I think it's a good one. Another forum post I read suggested that the first "chapter" actually be a synopsis of the book. I think that's an excellent idea as well.

Thank you for the read. Should I post more up here?

CJ

CJ: the short pitch works. The long pitch should be a short one-sentence explanation of each story so the casual reader can decide which one they wanna read. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

CJ: the short pitch works. The long pitch should be a short one-sentence explanation of each story so the casual reader can decide which one they wanna read. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Thoughts as I read:

“all filtering into the hotel”- this phrase is unnecessary, since we already know that’s what they are doing.
Second paragraph should begin with “Doormen Diego and Hopkins…” That way, we know immediately who they are and assume that they are in the front of the hotel without having to be told. It also helps break up the distance between the word “doorman”, which you use more than once in this paragraph. You can later just say “newer to the job” because you’ve already told us they are doormen.

Diego’s dialogue doesn’t sound right to my ears. I recommend that you say it out loud and tweak it until it sounds like something a doorman would say.

“averagely attractive man”- awkward phrase. I recommend “moderately attractive” or “average-looking.”
“Knowing why the younger man was blushing, she smirked”- I recommend “She smirked at the young man’s blush.” I might also add some more dialogue to show the young man’s embarrassment at being caught checking her out. Diego could clear his throat and Hopkins could say “What? Oh, right. Sorry.” (or something like that- you get the idea)

The girl “seemed terribly tame.” Why? What was it about her that would make you say that? Show us how she is tame rather than just telling us she is, so that we can come to that conclusion by her actions and her words.
“husbands don’t tip if you get caught staring”- I liked that line!

I didn’t have so many edits with chapter 2, but I was a little disappointed that it was straight erotica. There didn’t appear to be any story or plot, just something you might read in a Forum magazine. The sexuality would have been better if written as part of an overall story, in my opinion, but if the intent is strictly erotica versus a character-driven novel, then it worked.

I hope my comments are helpful to you!

Cyndi

Some of your sentence structure is exceedingly clunky and almost Dickensian in its complexity and I found your first chapter over-written.
Take for example the sentence which begins, 'Hopkins, a bit newer to the doorman job...'
This goes on almost interminably, until the connection between the initial clauses and the final clause is lost.
Your sentence structure will need editing before you think of presenting this to a publisher, not least because you intersperse blocks of 'telling' between the dialogue so that the continuity of the dialogue is lost.
You also need to edit your punctuation.
As just one example, there is no distinction between the statement and the question in the sentence: 'Welcome to the Rio International, folks, anything we can help you with?'
The first part is a statement and so we place a full stop at the end, as a complete sentence. Thus, 'Welcome to the Rio International, folks.' The second part is a question and so we separate it from the statement thus:
'Anything we can help you with?'
I would suggest you avoid an excess of adverbs as they add little to emphasis which should already be implicit.
For example, 'She seemed [terribly] tame.' I'm not sure that I would have felt terror at her timidity.
Try to avoid contiguous repetition.
For example, 'Behind her, her husband looked annoyed.' The ...her, her.. is clumsy and needs editing.
Also avoid cliche. People 'flashing' one another smiles is massively overdone and the stuff of airport novels which are slick but have no depth.
I hope these observations may help you to edit your work and then the craft will shine.

Ray

This is a clever idea for a book: a luxurious hotel, Valentine's Day, a mix of horny characters . . . Probably a little raw for some, but I enjoyed reading this. I'm adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Backed! Tom Ryerson (Carnal Wreckage)

Absolutely!

Thanks!

CJ

Hi ,
Have put you on my watchlist & will comment and read by Friday.
Will you reciprocate and read Going Out in Style?
Hope so,
A Zoomer

Hi ,
Have put you on my watchlist & will comment and read by Friday.
Will you reciprocate and read Going Out in Style?
Hope so,
A Zoomer