Bryant Cove

Hi Barbara!

Since you haven’t been to Authonomy for a while, I hope it’s okay that I’m sending this through your book comment:

I’d like to thank you for backing BRAINRUSH (a Thriller) last year. Because of you it hit the Authonomy Number-1 slot, attracted an agent, and landed a film option. Now that’s a brain-rush! The formal book launch is September 1st and the sequel will be released in December. None of this would have been possible without your help. So, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!

Sincerely,
Richard Bard, BRAINRUSH

PS. If you want a good laugh, check out the temporary book-trailer video on the BRAINRUSH website. It’s there as a placeholder for the upcoming professional video. The current one features children and it’s guaranteed to make you smile! And yes, the younger kid on the screen is really me. You can see the video at www.RichardBard.com. The link is also on my Authonomy profile page. While you’re there, check out the “Feel the Rush” promotion that will get you BRAINRUSH plus 2 FREE thrillers from the Kindle Top-20 PAID Bestseller list – yes, really!

I like your story, and in general, the writing flows well. In Chapter 2, you speak of Margaret, when it's been Kate's story. It seems out of place, and perhaps you could think about whether it is needed as it is. Also in Ch 2, you end with a very poor sentence, (in my opinion, so take it for what you think it's worth.) 'screamed incessantly in horror and then fainted dead away' It's a cliche that women always scream when seeing a body, and if she 'screamed incessantly' then she didn't stop. And 'fainted dead away,' is an even worse cliche. Yet the rest of the chapter is fine. A few minor typos here and there, which I'll list in a separate message. I may have made some criticisms, but this does not mean that you're not a good writer. You have a very good story, Backed, Marj.

You have the talent to blend the every day normalcy with horrible events. I enjoyed reading Bryant Cove and wonder how Kate will end up.

Backed/

Dear Barbara Norwood Staley,

Bryant Cove has a personal meaning for me (much too long to explain in full here), but it does have to do with the charming state of Connecticut and an evil doer who dwelled among yachts at a marina in Noank. That will be the next manuscript I write. In the meantime, I have your story to sustain me. Backed.

All good wishes.

GK Stritch

Great suspense filled pitch. Backed with pleasure
Helen

You have a good beginning, with plenty of conflict and mystery to keep the story moving. I personally don't see a problem with Kate's name. Idon't think anyone has a proprietary right to it. Jesselowe

hullo Barbara. You have set up this story to go in several directions depending on different factors. But, the hidden room draws the reader in to continue to the next chapter and hopefully the room, Very good. Already shelved and backed. Please take a look at my book if you have not and thanks for that.
Linda Lou Long
Southern dis-Comfort
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=11421

Kate is portrayed with love, as are the natural settings, and we have
a wealth of intrigue and suspense, to lead us through this fascinating story.
Congratulations.. Shelved with lucky wishes mkegilli The Free

Very nice read! Eagerly backed!

Hi, Barbara -

I don't usually read romance, but this was hard to put down. After reading the first few chapters, all I can say is it's a good, tightly written mystery.

Your characters feel real and I enjoyed the way you ratchet up the tension.

My only criticism might be in the way you waited until a few chapters in before introducing your mc.
Then again, this is all subjective. So, if you agree with my - or anyone else's comments, act accordingly. If not, don't. After all, it's your book.

Bryant Cove is loaded with potential and if it makes it into print, it's got a good chance of attracting a wide audience.

Good stuff, and I'm happy to back it.

Best of luck here.

-Jeff Lee
THE LADIES TEMPERANCE CLUB'S FAREWELL TOUR

Hi Barbara,

This is a very good pitch and the story is solid...I love a good mystery. Backed

Based on many of my comments I have done a complete edit of my work and I hope it is a better read now.
Barbara

Barbara - Bryant Cove reads well and is eerily atmospheric. I agree with Duncan's comments below (thanks Duncan, a sage reader and critic which I am not!) Best of luck and backed by Balepy (Freckles the Fawn)

BRYANT Cove: Wow! Ummm....I don't think I'd want to live in that house...ever. :) You have a great premise and your story delivers with its mystery and intrigue. Some of the things that stopped my reading were the same that Duncan said, so I'm not going to comment on those. With tightening, this could be over the top excellent. Well done!

Heidi
Pearl Edda

Well written and enjoyable!Backed with pleasure! Good Luck!!
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of Sicilian Shadows) for a further possible backing of your book
Could you also have a read (if you haven't done so) of 'Moonbeam Highway' by Tim Chambers, a wonderful book that at present sits on the Ed's desk.

Your first chapter nicely sets the stage for a mystery. I know what living in a cold creaky house is like - scary even when you don't believe in being scared. I agree with Duncan's comments in his second paragraph. I don't mean to be picky - the same comments were made about my book. It took a few people saying the same thing for me to realize they might be right and I should pay attention. Otherwise, a really nice job! BACKED -Elizabeth Wolfe (Memories of Glory)

Hi Barbara ...

You have a promising novel with good characters and mostly strong dialogue. In Kate, you have a strong central character who interacts well with others. You start off well with a good plot building and a story line that flows well. I do have a few suggestions, which you are free to ignore.

Unfortunately you have that same problem as me, a tendency to over write. In your first paragraph, you have about five or six refrences to the cold winter and the snow. These only serve to slow your plot down. I hope you do not mind, but I have re-written part of your first paragraph: 'The lone figure trudged thru the new fallen snow down the middle of the road. Heading towards the stately beach home in the cold early morning dawn of February 1902. Margret paid no attention to the empty bungalows, boarded up for the winter, on either side; occupied with her thoughts of the day ahead'.

Contractions should only be used in 'dialogue' and 'first person singular' and not in 'third person'.
Try to limit the use of 'had'. I read each sentence first with the word and then without. In most cases the word can be ommitted. Especially before words that end 'ed' for these are already 'past tense': 'had called', 'had stayed', 'had passed', 'had continued'. I also use the same reading technique with 'that'.

The ellipsis should be: 'word ... word', with a space before and after. At the end of dialogue it should be: 'word ...' with a space before only and should never be used with other punctuation: 'word ...?'

Please remember these are only minor and easily rectified. I apologise for my pickiness. 'Backed'. All the Best. Regards ... Duncan.

I like stories set in more than one time, but they need to be carefully plotted - based on the quality of what have read, I reckon you've achieved that. This reads really well. Good stuff!

BRYANT COVE: You have the start of a good story here. I can see clearly the characters emerging and becoming flesh and blood within my mind. The scens you set a clearly, as you say, based on real places. this is always a great help. It can aslo be a frawback as it is easy to include more detail than is needed to put the story over. Remember the main thing is to keep the story going at a pace that will keep the readers attention.
Your book will need an edit before it gets much higher in the lists. If it reaches the editors desk, (and I hope you do) you will need to cut down on the length and size of many of your paragraphs. sadly in this current world the average reader tends to be put off by such things. I am not talking about dumbing down the parts, but making them a little sharper and presented in more digestable amounts.

I magine having a great 4 course meal served up in one go. Not a inspiring sight (unless you are starving). Served in smaller portions and with a clear seperation of courses it is more inviting.

Good luck to you in the future.

rev Raven Scott (Love is a colour too) If you get time (and haven't already done so) i would welcome your comments on my novel. I may sound as though i should already know if I've got it right, but it is easy to see the errors in others work, but when looking at our own we are blind to mistakes. (that sounds a bit biblical but I cannot avoid that, sorry.)

I was completely drawn into this story. Backed your book. Best of luck with its future. I would appreciate your support of December Gold if not previously given.

Backed with confidence! Tom Ryerson (Carnal Wreckage)

Your pitch invites readers to your book.
But just be careful not to use (that) if it's not really needed. This was pointed out to me earlier on when I joined the site.
Some editing is required, but I can only comment as a reader. A number of sentences are too long.
However, your book as done well in such a short time. A little polishing and you will probably be on the ED's desk.
It's a nice story and I'm backing it.

This reads like a work of devotion. I could almost feel the amount of work that had gone into this as it seems so well polished. I like the dates, they help give the novel as sense of movement and of history. I'm glad I read in your bio that you based it on a real town, because you wrote about it with such authenticity. Anyways, Happy to back you and hope you can return the read.
Backed
David
Bailey of the Saints

Barbara, your first two chapters are a smooth, enjoyable read. Good job overall.

Happy to back this.

Joffrey (the Silver Spoon Effect)

There is a deepness and sadness to the writing that draws readers in. I think you are off to a good start, but it does need some editing. I would also suggest you break up the chapters for authonomy. Breaks in the screen help readers' brains refresh and prepare for more passages. Some of the lengthy sentences need to be broken up.
Good details and definitely enough to sink our teeth into.
Backed,
Ellen (Thoughts of a Teenage Girl)

Hi Barbara, There’s intriguing lead-up here, well-rendered with Margaret's and then Tom’s horrific discoveries. You captured my interest with character and then surprised me. Kate’s unhappy life changes are also told with the reasons for her move. I wonder what the details have to do with the story afterward? The story is involving and I can see that it is character-driven. Happy to shelve – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Hi Barbara
I love the beginning of your story. You have a real flair for enabling the reader to imagine the surroundings vividly. This is a real classic thriller with a story spanning generations that the reader quickly wants to see solved. I love the way the story slowly unfolds without giving away too much early on.
DP Walker
Five Dares

You should post some more of this. This is just a fantastic idea for a story, and a film for that matter. I would like to see this divided into shorter chapters, however. It seemed like quite a chunk to read. There are a few minor grammatical/punctuation errors but nothing a quick edit wouldn;t fix. on teh whole, I think this could be a very commercial book.
Carl
The Time Hunters

Good start, I think the chapters could be split up, there is a lot to absorb in that one chapter :)
However, this is definitely worth backing, with good descriptions of something that sounds like Old Saybrook, or Fenwick, and a suspenseful beginning...Dying to know what happened in Mrs.Graham's house, especially if Kate is going to be confronted with a possible similar fate.

I like family sagas, so I'm happy to back "Bryant Cove." I think you have a wee bit too much exposition here though and sometimes you tell rather than show. For example, I would rather read a scene in which the children's father failed to participate in their lives than be told about it.

SC Dwinnell, "Nobody Liked to Say"

I'm enjoying this so far! Good stuff.

One suggestion - maybe try to find a few places where you can split up some of the longer paragraphs? It's a bit easier on the eye to have smaller, manageable chunks instead of meaty paragraph after paragraph. Just a suggestion, though. :)

Thumbs up on your characters and dialogue! Backed, for sure.

Heidi
More

Bryant Cove
Barbara Norwood Staley

Your plot promises engaging mystery fiction - and as I started reading, there was much suspense and dramatic tension. Just wondered about your dual Fiction/Chick Lit tag as this seems to go beyond that. Enjoyed what I read so far and Kate is a sympathetic and likeable MC. Happy to have backed this and all the best in finding a publisher.
Zan

A finely crafted novel with a great storyline. Your character development is excellent, especially Kate, and the use of imagery is superb. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Interesting story line. I noticed in the first paragraph you used thru (informal) and then turned around and used through (formal). I would be consistent. You also stated that she was walking 'through/thru the snow" three times in the first several paragraphs...perhaps find a way to not repeat yourself using the exact words. Keep fine tuning and good luck.

Misa Rush
Family Pieces

This is an utterly thrilling book, with its mystery and romance and scenery reminiscent of Daphne du Maurier. One of my favourite books on Authonomy. Backed. Lynn

You have several genres working for you here. The book is first categorized as fiction (general) and chick lit. It opens more like a Stephen King horror tale. Bryant Cove holds a horrifying secret dating from or pre-dating 1902. These old New England coastal towns are rife with arcana, and you set the suspense beautifully with the setting of the old Graham house on the point and with some mysterious characters like "crazy" Johnson. Chapter two increases the tension as Sheriff Tom Rourke investigates the missing Jonathan Graham and discovers that the horror continues 97 years forward. Tom should be well placed to assist Kate as unravels the jewels mystery and possibly to serve as a romantic interest? The rest of your post is devoted to developing Kate's character and situation. Everything looks fine to me so far. My one concern would be that you are coming at this from so many angles (chick lit., horror, mystery, romance, etc.) that you might will need to keep the threads short and taut so that the reader doesn't lose track of or interest in whichever one he is following--I'm most inclined toward the mystery thread myself. Good job! Happy to back.
Niobrara Kardnova (The Trouble with Wives)

Bryant Cove

First let me apologies for the delay in commenting from my recent backing, time has been a big problem recently, anyway…
What a well thought out, well layered plot.
I think you build the mystery in to this so very well, it is very impressively built.
Great characterisation, don’t know if I would mess with the time line, linear time stops incongruence, however you main character Kate, is too good to be brought in, in 3. Great story so very well structured, so very well thought out and told!

this is truly a well written book. it is set out well, and i can't see why it would not be published...
su dan [read SEASONS]

A very well written book I love the family connections spanning generations. Your first chapter is strongly crafted. You are very good at setting a scene and making the reader feel they are witnessing events.
Sue Mackender
Knowing Liam Riley

I really liked how you did the first two parts, the two witnesses approaching the majestic beach house in the snow, the snow undisturbed... great build up. You wrote here really well, giving us all of the set up on the people's lives smoothly and with interest. When we switched to Kate it was a bit of an adjustment, but the writing is so good that we don't mind the style change. Great job on this, thanks and good luck.

I found the first chapter of Bryant Cove imbued with mysterious happenings and a sombre undertone, as Kate comes to terms with so much loss in her life.. I can only hope that as the story progresses, and the mystery of the spanish crown jewels is revealed, that Kate reconnects with a joy for life.. a compelling read, Backed and best wishes

A really great mystery spanning generations that is delightfully full of intrigue.

Your writing is strong and you succeed in holding the readers interest really well.
The only nit I could spot was sometimes you have Father, when it should be father. Don't worry I used to do it all the time!! LOL

Melxx
Impeding Justice (crime/thriller)

Hi Bill,

Thank you very much for reading and backing my book, Bryant Cove. I did use your suggestion to reword my description. I admit when I first sighned onto Authonomy I threw something together not realizing what a great and supportive site this is.

I am going to wait list your book "The Doctor of Summitville" today and plan on reading and backing it tomorrow.

Thank you again for your helpful and insightful suggestions.

Barbara

Very engaging story i must say with a whipping opening. As the last commentator says, there are rules in writing. eg five not 5
backed with pleasure
Best

I love stories that take place over multiple generations, they are such a delight to read. Yours is well written and has some wonderful characters. I think with a little polish this is going to be a strong book, there are a few grammatical errors we are all guilty of. Lovely story though, I wish you luck with it and I'd love to know when you've uploaded more!

Missy
Mark of Eternity

Dear Barbara,

The theme you propose sounds promising and your writing style is well suited to the young adult genre, so I've gladly backed "Bryant Cove." Combining what fiction editors say and what "The Chicago Manual of Style" advises, I advise you to make certain changes in your MS. If you do, I'm sure you'll increase your chances of publication. Here are a few suggestions:

--It's best to start a novel with your main character. Open with your Chapter 3, where Kate is first mentioned. The earlier material is good, but work it in later, perhaps as a separate chapter introduced as Margaret's story. Then return to Kate.
--Break up some of your longer paragraphs. Keep it all clear and simple.
--Don't capitalize nouns unless they are proper names. "Father" is O.K. if you call him that, but use "father" in "he didn't think her father's death was accidental."
--Delete "that" if you wouldn't use it in conversation. [ She was stunned to hear that he didn't think her father had accidentally fallen down the stairs, as the official report stated. ] Would you miss the deleted word?
--Delete unnecessary words and sentences. The rest of your paragraph is full of repetition. Consider: [ She'd had her own nagging doubts, as her father was in good health at 62 and had always been sure on his feet. And why did the sheriff ask if she had a dog? The door bell announced that a customer had entered the market, so she put her thoughts on hold. ]
--Review your punctuation. For example, back up a few paragraphs and copy: [ --Rising, Sheriff Tom replied, "Good, I'll let you know." After taking a few steps, he turned around and said, "Oh Kate, by the way, I heard you have a dog?" --"Yes, that's right. We have a chocolate Labrador named Ali." --"Good. Those are good dogs. I'll be seeing you, Kate. Welcome back." --"Thank you, Sheriff. Give my regards to Ruthie." --"Will do." ]

You might want to review the rules on punctuation in "Chicago," "Strunk & White's Elements of Style," a new "Webster's" dictionary, or a college handbook on composition. They all say the same thing.

Bill Carrigan
"The Doctor of Summitville."

Dear Barbara,

After reading three chapters, I've returned to your synopsis to make suggestions before reading on. It will be easier to do this if I just propose a rewrite:

[ Kate must solve a mystery spanning several generations to protect herself and her two young children from a desperate treasure seeker. ]

[ Kate has suffered the loss of her husband and the mysterious death of her father. To begin a new life, she moves with her two young children to her ancestral home in Bryant Cove, (where). The community welcomes her and her family as she takes over her father's business. The mystery of his death mounts when her house is broken into and frantically searched. She suspects that someone is looking for Spanish crown jewels that her sea captain ancestor rescued and gave to his beautiful young wife. Shortly after the wife wore them to sit for a portrait, the jewels disappeared and have been missing ever since. Threatened, Kate must solve an ancient mystery to bring her father's killer to justice and protect herself and her children. ]

BACKED

Bill Carrigan
"The Doctor of Summitville"

Hooked me right from the start, great work, best of luck with it, backed. E.Loraine Royal Blood Chronicles book one

This is an interesting piece of work, and you do a great job of laying out the plot. A quick grammatical edit to fix the missing commas before direct address (e.g. Thank you Sheriff should be Thank you, Sheriff) and the occasional spelling error ("thru" is never something I've seen in print) will take this to new heights.

Abi xxx