Kidnapped: The President's Family

Great novel. Does need some editing; some of the sentence construction, punctuation, and tense need editing.For example, in chapter 5 the following sentence does not make sense to me: "After meeting Chiggers, Hendriks knew this demolition expert was crazy, no doubt existed." Perhaps you meant something like " After meeting Chiggers, Hendriks had no doubt the demolition expert was crazy" ( and even that is probably not a good sentence) Engaging storyline. Backed with pleasure.

Great stuff! Your work reminds me of one of my favorities, Tom Clancy. I like how you jump into the plot imediately. Seems like Anna met the wrong guy. 6 stars! If you have the time, please check out one of my books, 33 or Halo of the Damned. Good luck to you and hope you get published.

Interesting premise. Backed and ready to read. If time, please check out one of my books-Halo of the Damned or 33. Dina

Mark,

This reads well, highly professional copy and a good story unfolding.

I did notice two paragraphs--beginning 'Early morning is a wonderful time to drive' and ending 'In short, it's the perfect place for Hendriks to set up operations'--that for some reason were in present tense, and there's the odd sentence elsewhere slipping into this tense ('D' day is Labor day . . .).

Also beginning to notice Hendrik's name used quite often, when perhaps sometimes a pronoun could be used.

Otherwise though, nothing to fault here, taut writing and a good story.

Backed.

Hi Mark, I thought this was very good indeed. The pace is swift and the array of characters and high drama make compelling reading. I thought the opening chapters painted a strong image of the life of a hitman.
Backed with real pleasure,
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

Hi Mark

Great pitch - it's like an extreme episode of 24!
Isn't Anna Neagle the name of a 20th c British singer and actress? Is that intentional?
Read on and found this a tough, professional, gritty thriller.
Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

Brilliant. A very deserved backing
Helen
The Last Dream

Great plot, auspicious beginning. Hendricks is as cold a villain as you would ever want to see, with little snippets of information that help us get into his twisted head. Fabulous, a real page turner! Backed with pleasure!

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

Mark,
WOW! Edge!
The story is complex, yet well plotted. You did not cheat the details.
This had to take alot of time and thought.
Great Job!
Backing!
Sammy Sutton
King Solomon's '13'

Mark the Presidents family is very interesting story which is well told.
i do not critique grammar spelling ect because I write poetry.
Over all after reading the first 2 Chapters I find the story grabs your attention immediately and keeps it
And there is a need to read more to find out what happens. Be back for more.
Nicely done
Njoy*
Moods and expressions*

Thank you for your backing and your compliments. I read each comments to try ti improve my novel. Your words are important to me. Thank you again.

Mark Mane: Kidnapped the President's family and other titles.


QUOTE] Once the career details of a one Captain Stephen R Bradshaw are known, his service in Vietnam, his disapearance from a special ops mission, his reappearance in the underbelly of mercenarys and hit men in Thailand, then ' Hendriks becomes clearer. Without a shadow of a doubt Hendriks is a superb character, reminiscent of 'the jackal' in ' The Day Of The Jackal.' So close and tense the writing, I felt I breath, his every breadth, move his every move. I noticed a Mark Mane novel on the bookshelve so is Hendriks an abstraction, and I'm the reader, the one who is really pulling all of the strings. Book reading is a solitary business, so is being a professional hitman, the empty hotel rooms, the souless journeys on the freeway, the decision to kill Barbara, combine to give the opening chapters a disquiet of immense proportions that filters atmosperically into the story, if only we new more about him sooner, and his mission.
Backed in awe to all the great journeymen.
Daniel Manning
No Compatibility.

There is no question about it, you re correct. I have been working the past three months on editing the novel. At 170,000 words that is a challenge. For good or for bad, I write at full draft speed an average of ten single-spaced pages a day. editing become more of a challenge than the actual writing. I should have married a good editor. Thanks for the backing and the comments. Mark Mane Kidnapped: The President's Family and other titles.

I think this had boundless potential, but it in need of a good edit. At times, I felt like I was listening to a ghostly narrator, and at times your prose take me to a place where I'm listening to someone telling me a story. I mean to say, your phrasing needs a solid track. For instance, in paragraph one, you use the term "The lady was frankly a mess". This is a way of phrasing a writer would use when directly telling someone a story in conversation, as opposed to simply "telling" a story as a distant narrator.

Also, I noticed a conflict in the old adage of showing and not telling. For instance, telling us the lady was a mess and then going on to showing us why is akin to "The monster was frightening and ugly, with large fangs and bulging eyes. (Just paint the picture of the monster with its description is enough to show us its frightening without telling us it is, metaphorically speaking, I mean).

Also, your use of tense is also in conflict here when you take use back to less than seven hours (since)...in paragraph two. The way it's written is confusing, especially when you go into how she tossed her hair. If you're going to write about the "past" in terms of your story, it should be more clear and concise in order to keep the reader in the here and now.

I hope this helps. The premise has promise and with a good re-edit, it could truly shine.

C. L. Freire (DAVID THORNE: The Golithian Orbs)

Once the career details of a one Captain Stephen R Bradshaw are known, his service in Vietnam, his disapearance from a special ops mission, his reappearance in the underbelly of mercenarys and hit men in Thailand, then ' Hendriks becomes clearer. Without a shadow of a doubt Hendriks is a superb character, reminiscent of 'the jackal' in ' The Day Of The Jackal.' So close and tense the writing, I felt I breath, his every breadth, move his every move. I noticed a Mark Mane novel on the bookshelve so is Hendriks an abstraction, and I'm the reader, the one who is really pulling all of the strings. Book reading is a solitary business, so is being a professional hitman, the empty hotel rooms, the souless journeys on the freeway, the decision to kill Barbara, combine to give the opening chapters a disquiet of immense proportions that filters atmosperically into the story, if only we new more about him sooner, and his mission.
Backed in awe to all the great journeymen.
Daniel Manning
No Compatibility.

Thank you for your response and opinion. I value every response I get, even the negative ones. You make some valid arguments and I will take them to heart. Thank you for taking the time to voice them to me. I am in the process of tightening up the novel and will remember your suggestions. Mark Mane

Mark, my comments would be negitive oposite to all these positive comments you got here. Why should we bother to read a story that goes on and on until you lose the track for who is who ... when at a ponit you don't even care who is Carter and who is Anna and who is Hendricks, you just want to stop reading. I never read more than a few paragraghs, anyway, but I did read yours till nearly the end to know what is going on, nothing. This is a long, long, long chapter. I could not follow the story and the characters. As I said, at some point everything and every body lost its meaning for me, because it went on and on. My suggestion is to shorten the paragrahs and the chapter and take out maybe a lot of words, which probably means edit it, I am not an expert on that. I am not an expert on anything, I am a new writer, but what I am saying is completely out of how I feel about it. Good luck.

Shah

Mark, my comments would be negitive oposite to all these positive comments you got here. Why should we bother to read a story that goes on and on until you lose the track for who is who ... when at a ponit you don't even care who is Carter and who is Anna and who is Hendricks, you just want to stop reading. I never read more than a few paragraghs, anyway, but I did read yours till nearly the end to know what is going on, nothing. This is a long, long, long chapter. I could not follow the story and the characters. As I said, at some point everything and every body lost its meaning for me, because it went on and on. My suggestion is to shorten the paragrahs and the chapter and take out maybe a lot of words, which probably means edit it, I am not an expert on that. I am not an expert on anything, I am a new writer, but what I am saying is completely out of how I feel about it. Good luck.

Shah

Mark, my comments would be negitive oposite to all these positive comments you got here. Why should we bother to read a story that goes on and on until you lose the track for who is who ... when at a ponit you don't even care who is Carter and who is Anna and who is Hendricks, you just want to stop reading. I never read more than a few paragraghs, anyway, but I did read yours till nearly the end to know what is going on, nothing. This is a long, long, long chapter. I could not follow the story and the characters. As I said, at some point everything and every body lost its meaning for me, because it went on and on. My suggestion is to shorten the paragrahs and the chapter and take out maybe a lot of words, which probably means edit it, I am not an expert on that. I am not an expert on anything, I am a new writer, but what I am saying is completely out of how I feel about it. Good luck.

Shah

Hi Mark, After the synopsis, it was very intriguing to follow Hendriks. Anna’s having fallen for him in his false identity seems to have gotten by the Secret Service. The scenes are strong and they begin to define character by their decisions. Hendriks’ coldness except with the dancer causes his motives to be elusive at the beginning, pressing me on. The constructing of this terrible crime is credible with this sort of person. Fascinating! Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Attention commanding action with incredible spunk, written to keep the pages flying. Only a few chapters in - but can see that the plot has been well thought out and the reader can look forward to a nice stream of gotchas. Great work.

Mark Mane:

This is edge of your seat thriller kind of stuff. You capture the reader IMMEDIATELY with the scene about Anna. For the reader, there can be no stopping here. We want to know why this happened to Anna--enter Tom Hendricks. Clearly something is wrong here. But, we must read on to find out what the relationship between Anna and Tom is especially after Anna is pulled from Tom's Audi (No resistance by Tom to save her) by two men; with Tom's having drugged her for this kidnapping of sorts. Anna had clearly began to trust and believe that Tom would be her future husband. Then we meet Ms. Annette (aka) Barbara Thompson. The mystery continues as this quick love affair ends in a hit by TOM or does it. Must read on to find out. Very enjoyable read.

Nit Pic: Use as you see fit. I was told by a writing coach that it is not good to use label for chapters. I believe the same is true for labels before the scene. Let the action unfold naturally. Although you did this with your actual story line--the surprise element is what adds to the mystery. No mistake about it this is an interesting story. (I TRUST AND HOPE ITS ALL FICTION!) Backed!

Ida L. (Silent Storm)

I just noticed in the periphery of my eyeline that somebody below has mentioned movie. And I'm not just saying this, but it really does have adapt to screen play written all over it. That doesn't by the way, take away anything from it being a novel. They could simply sit together. excellent

I'm glad I backed this book because it's a great read and very well written.

Carol

Hi Mark
This is a thrilling read. I like the way you use the time heading to build the level of suspense. The plot is great and the language you use helps the story flow really well. You set it up nicely so as to give the reader an idea of what might happen but at the same time, leaving them hanging. I was gripped by this completely.
DP Walker
Five Dares

Zippy, taught and...yes, THRILLING!
Backed and Good Luck!!
Frank.
If you back or have backed my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of Sicilian Shadows) for a further possible backing of your book.

Happily, I have already backed his book and am in the middle of reading it. Mark

Zippy, taught and...yes, THRILLING!
Backed and Good Luck!!
Frank.
If you back or have backed my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of Sicilian Shadows) for a further possible backing of your book.

Mark, great story! I will definitely finish reading it when I have more time. I love how your put your name in the list of authors that the dancer had in her house! Great.

Great storyline and good character build.

Happily Backed
Denise

Hi Mark,

I have backed your book because I was hooked by the pitch, loved the introduction and read on. How much more I read depends on time and commitment.

Enjoy everything and good luck.

Rusty Bernard
Psychiatric Evaluation

You are like totally fantastic, Mark! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my 2 memoir books? :)
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :)

Kidnapped: The President's Family
Mark Mane

Exciting plot Mark. I would love to see this on the big screen. Has a 24 taste to it as far as some of the personalities involved are concerned with the kind of excitement and tension I discern from Prison Break - a real fast paced ride it seems, and excellently plotted. I enjoyed the Anna Neagle chapter - looks like you know your stuff like a pro! Starting with the gory stuff is effective and I thought, this isn't one for the faint of heart. Strong writing and a compelling read so far. Poor Hendricks who kept alive this long by careful planning - pity he's in the middle of the biggest assignment of his career and doesn't have time for romance. I get a sense that your characterisation skills are very good. I like your use of language as well - this reads smoothly and you have some nice descriptions which make it very vivid. Delightful so far and well worth my backing.

I think you yanked me into this so hard I have bruises. My initial scepticism was obliterated as I was pulled into what promises to be a gritty, realistic and involved thriller. There's a sense of darkness and subtlety about this piece, which is delightful. You hook us in, but you let our own intelligence get to work as we're trying to sdee it from all angles.

Brilliant work, and backed with pleasure.

Abi xxx

Backed with confidence! Tom Ryerson (Carnal Wreckage)

Well you sure don't waste anytime in hooking the reader into your book. It's right there from the beginning. Your not a writer who wastes his words either. Really enjoying reading this. My only thoughts were to have Anna Neagle as a entire opening chapter or a prologue and tom hendriks to be a chapter to himself. Other than that I think you got all the bases covered here and i'm more than happy to back this, which i did earlier.
David
Bailey of the Saints

Kidnapped

First let me apologies for the delay in commenting from my recent backing, time has been a big problem recently, anyway…
Gosh there is a lot to this. I suspect you fleshed out the characters long before this got started in earnest; you have a great deal of depth here.
Very well thought out storyline, well-structured plot and it all comes together beautifully. – This is one impressive read

This is an excellent story I should not miss it. Your writing is smooth, clear and easy to understand. I am happy to back your book. Please take a look at BP.
Backed,
Bamboo Promise

Dear Mark
It's hard to tear away from your book. A page turner and thrill of a read
Thanks

the lord of the dawn. beyond 2012

This is exciting and even riveting. You introduce us to Anna when she's already in big trouble. The horrific torture scene is all the more dreadful because, as we learn with a shock towards the end, the man torturing Anna is Tom, whom she thought was her lover and future husband. Instead, you go on to show us that this cold, callous man was only using Anna to get information for, 'the biggest assignment of his career.' You give us professionally accurate detail of Tom's further moves, acquiring the duffel bags, killing Carter, and then picking up Annette / Barbara. You have got your book off to a great, thrilling start, and have certainly hooked us in. Your writing is smooth,fluent and crisp, your dialogue authentic. Your characters come quickly to life. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Absolutely stonking read!! Superb I got caught up in your story right from the word go. And the premise has to be a certain winner, who wouldn't want to read something of this quality.

Read the first couple of chaps and then the end, 'cos I'm cheeky and I was amazed to see you have a sequel already.

Some of the finest writing this site has ever seen, me thinks!!

Happily shelved
Melxx
Impeding Justice

MM: a bit much in the short pitch. How about, 'The President leads the hunt for the terrorists who destroyed his family; there won't be prisoners'? The long pitch seems a bit generic and you should break it up so it reads faster. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Dear Mark, I love that it ended okay, but Heaven forbid anything like that happening. At the end, you may want, "Carrington" in quotes since the president is yelling, "Carrington." Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your recap before your story which was very well done. Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing/commenting on your book to help it advance. Could you please return the favor by taking a moment to back/comment on my TWO books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & the unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tell at the end my illness now/6th abusive marraiage." Thanks, Susie :)

I hope you take this the right way when I tell you this reminds me of an episode of '24'. Trust me, that is a compliment! The fast pace and the action really keep going! You've written this very well and I think you've got a marketable book here. I'm interested to see how this plays out, I'm going to be coming back for more as I get bits of time!

Missy
Mark of Eternity

Thank you for your comment. I spend a lot of time researching each book I write (maybe too much time) I try to write ten pages a day (single-spaced) I will start your novel this evening. Mark Mane

I hope you take this the right way when I tell you this reminds me of an episode of '24'. Trust me, that is a compliment! The fast pace and the action really keep going! You've written this very well and I think you've got a marketable book here. I'm interested to see how this plays out, I'm going to be coming back for more as I get bits of time!

Missy
Mark of Eternity

KIDNAPPED:

Mark,

The title grabbed me. The premise grabbed me. And the pitch did the rest. I was hooked.

You have a really good build-up with smooth flowing prose, no wasted words, short sharp sentences when the tension is at its highest.

A big surprise very early in the novel - excellent. And then you begin to wonder when the kidnapping will happen, and how and when and where, and by whom. Lots of questions to be answered, and still the slow eerie build-up, making us wait. The creative writing experts always tell you: Make 'em cry, or make 'em laugh, but always make 'em wait." You do this very well, but I thought the wait was just a tiny little bit too long.

Now and then I'd have liked to have seen a full stop instead of a comma, but on the whole I think the writing is spot-on, and the voice perfect for this kind of thriller. A really good read, and I'm sure it's destined to go far.

Backed, with much pleasure.
Sheila Mary Taylor (Pinpoint)

This is a good story. Your premise is compelling: what better way to shed light on the plight of Viet Nam veterans than to kidnap the President's family? You've created a good mix of characters for this and achieved an almost impossible thing: you made Hendriks a little sympathetic even in light of his ruthlessness. I like the way you use a "slug line" to introduce new scenes with the date or the character being introduced. Always kept me oriented. If I had a suggestion it would be to get to the kidnapping sooner in the story (as they say in Hollywood, get those heads up out of that popcorn fast). Either way, this is a good read. I'm adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).