Book Jacket

 

rank 584
word count 31560
date submitted 23.04.2010
date updated 03.03.2011
genres: Historical Fiction, Fantasy, Childr...
classification: universal
incomplete

The Green Bronze Mirror

Lynne Ellison

Karen, a teenage girl, finds an ancient mirror. The mirror transports her in time to Roman Britain, where she is taken into slavery.

 

Karen is on holiday at the seaside in twentieth century England. She finds a bronze mirror, green with age, almost buried in the sand. Looking into it, she is transported back in time to the Roman Empire. She encounters a Roman officer who mistakes her for a runaway slave. She is sold several times, ending up in a wealthy household in Nero's Rome, as nursemaid to the children of the family. She falls in love with a Greek slave boy, witnesses gladiatorial games, and joins a group of early Christians. When the Great Fire of Rome comes, she is forced to flee from persecution, and hides in the catacombs. She faces many hair-raising adventures in her attempts to return to her own time.

PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS BOOK IS ALREADY IN PRINT. A limited (100-copy) printed edition is now available from http://www.amazon.co.uk and from http://www.cnposnerbooks.co.uk from only 23p
This printing has eliminated the errors in the earlier (2009) version
An e-book version is now available on Smashwords (http://www.smashwords.com) for US$1.49 A Kindle edition is also available from Amazon

 
rate the book

to rate this book please Register or Login

 

tags

1960s, adventure, ancient history, ancient rome, bronze, catacombs, cave, celtic, celts, children, children's historical fiction, christian fiction, d...

on 110 watchlists

276 comments

 

Text Size

Text Colour

Chapters

1

report abuse

 I

    THE SEA ROLLED MAJESTICALLY ON TO THE BROAD, FLAT sands, and the breeze blew a sharp salty tang into Karen's face. She felt a burst of energy drive through her, and started to run through the shallows with the wind behind her. The cold water splashed her bare legs and made dark splotches on her shorts, but she didn't care. How could she bother with boring things like wet shorts when she was on holiday by the sea with nobody else at all on the beach, except a few people collecting shells half a mile away?

She ran faster and looked down, seeing her own bare feet striking the clear, rippled water and sending silver drops to right and left.

At last she slowed to a walk and looked about her. She was down at the far end of the bay now, where the picnickers rarely came, and the dunes, crowned with long grass like tufts of hair, rose on her right. She went towards them and struggled up the soft, dry sand, and lay on her stomach to see over the top. 

Inland the ground was flat, rising gradually to hills in the distance. Tiny, white-walled farms stood out clearly in the early-morning light. Grey, twisted roads wound between them, and here and there were areas of dotted woodland. Away on the headland rose the ruins of an old Norman castle. 

Karen snuggled deeper into the sand and watched the postman ride past on the road below, steadily pedalling his old red bicycle. In her imagination he turned into a Turkish troop-train, and she was Lawrence of Arabia waiting to blow him up. Behind her lay the wild tribesmen of the desert,

their Arab horses tethered at the bottom of the dune       this was a dangerous venture. Just a little bit  farther ... now! Boom! The wrecked train heeled on to its side and she raised her arm to start the charge.

'Karen! Kaa-ren!' Her sister came running along the seashore, yelling at the top of her voice. She flung herself down on the dune, panting.

Anne was ten, five years younger than Karen. She had light brown hair in two short plaits and a freckled snub nose. She was a pleasant child, and Karen was fond of her, but like most younger sisters she could be irritating when she was not wanted.

She was not particularly wanted now. 

'You spoiled my daydream,' said Karen with mock sorrow.

'Oh dear! Was it a nice one?' Anne laughed. 'So this is where you were. I've been looking all over for you. What are you doing down here by yourself?'

‘Just running about. I like being by myself. When will you learn that?'

Anne ignored the last remark. 'I'm going to the shops to get a postcard for Gran. Coming?'

'No thanks. I hate those ghastly little trinket-places. It's so much nicer here-good and lonely.'

'I'd rather be with people. It's nine-thirty, you know.  Mum'll be wondering where you are.'

'Is it really? I still don't think I'll go back yet, though. Goodbye.'

Anne ran off, dismissed. 

There was no point in continuing the daydream now.  The postman, alias Turkish troop-train, had long since vanished. Karen got up and stretched. The hair blew into her eyes and she turned round so that it trailed behind. It was too long, she thought; it needed cutting.

She went slowly down to the sea again, and finding a piece of wood brought in by the tide, she drew a horse in the firm wet sand; a good horse, because she'd been drawing them a long time, galloping along the ground with its legs in an interesting position. The position was correct, though; she had studied photographs and knew just how a horse's legs behaved when it galloped.

    There was a sort of science in it.

    Looking at the horse-drawing, she felt an itch to gallop herself, and turned to go farther along the beach.

    About a hundred yards away she saw that there was a large section of sand cut off from the rest by a deep channel. Along this the sea water flowed fast, pushed through by the current from the other side of the bay.

Smiling to herself and wondering which would be the best place to cross, Karen walked along one bank, but as the channel didn't seem to get any shallower she waded in. The water soon came up to the hem of her shorts, and she had vague ideas of turning back, but it came no higher so she continued. The current pushed hard at her legs, and the water didn't look or smell too nice. She thought of sewage, especially as it was a pale yellow colour; then decided that as she was two-thirds of the way across it was silly to go back. 

Although the other bank shelved steeply and smoothly, she scrambled up easily enough, and now the whole island was hers!

It was wide and flat, marvellously lonely and beautiful in its solitude, and well suited to the mood she was in. There was absolutely nothing on it except a few gulls standing by the distant gleam of sea. The sky overhead was a sweep of wind-driven clouds, accenting the loneliness, and high up a lapwing mewed plaintively.

Karen's feet sank slightly into the sand, leaving wet puddles when she moved them; it was not as hard as it looked. Hoping there was no chance of its being quicksand, she started to run. The brisk sea air seemed to give her boundless energy, and she sped on, leaving silvery tracks behind her that gradually filled with water, and then sand again. The gulls standing by the sea saw her from a long distance, and flapped heavily away. When she reached their former stance, all that was left were a few triangular prints and some bird droppings. 

But there was something else, Karen soon realized, something almost buried in the sand. It was a greenish colour, and looked like the handle of some object. Karen stooped and touched it out of  curiosity. It seemed to be made of metal, and she knelt down to dig it out of the sand.

    It was an old mirror- a flat disc of metal about six inches across, set on to a decorated handle. The whole surface was covered in grit, and the handle was eroded, as though it had been there a very long time. Karen stared and wondered and then went and washed the object in the sea. Under the sand and the dirt the metal turned out to be bronze, a beautiful green, presumably owing to age. Strangely, the flat mirror part was completely smooth and untouched, whereas the handle was pitted and partially eaten away, although the design of delicately twining leaves was still visible. 

Karen wondered who had dropped it, and then the idea came to her that it might be an ancient relic-Norman, Saxon, or perhaps even Roman. Suppose she had found something of real historical interest!

'I wonder if I could still see myself in it?' she said aloud, and took out her handkerchief to rub it. It took time, but gradually she worked up a shine on the metal, and as she did so a curious tingling came to her from the mirror, almost as if the metal were coming to life. Karen distinctly felt it vibrate and examined her tingling hand, but there was no mark on the skin. She glanced into the mirror, slowly. 

 

Chapters

1

report abuse

To leave comments on this or any book please Register or Login

subscribe to comments for this book
Shelby Z. wrote 10 hours ago

Excellently written!
The pitch and title are very drawing.
I enjoyed the descriptions you use to paint your picture before the reader. It is a fun book idea with a fun twist to it.
You really get the youthful ideas and imagination of the young mind.
Worth the read. :)
Brilliantly done!

Shelby Z./Driving

billetem wrote 153 days ago

Chapter 12. Re that snake, Locusta says `He won't bite you unless i told him to,' that's a good line. You could always end things by having Karen and Kleon captured and brought to the colosseum. Then you could use your material from the earlier chapter, the one where the lioness attacks the boy. That chapter lacks drama. But by using the descriptions, like the description of Nero, and by describing Kleon and Karen facing the lions, then you really got a great ending. If you insist on a non-violent ending, then, just as the lions are about to attack Karen, have her wake up in bed back back in the UK - it was all a dream! The scene with Locusta is very well drawn, but you don't have a Christian novel if the heroine uses magic from Nero's poisoner to get back home. I would end it by having Karen and Kleon face the lions. Describe their terror and heroism. At the end Karen could have a vision of paradise - she could look into a Green Bronze Mirror and gaze through the Gates of Heaven! Here's an opportunity for you to write powerful words in describing the heavenly vision, as the lions tear the flesh of St. Karen and St. Kleon. Finding some raisons and biscuits in the pantry, and heading out on the Flaminian Way - no, that's not the right ending. Good Luck, Bill

billetem wrote 153 days ago

Chapter 11. You're taking a stab at your British pagans I see in, `That's fer yer Christian God' Excellent drama having Rhoda chased by that mob. I assume you have a reason for splitting up Kleon and Karen. It's not believable that he would say to her: `we'd better not stay together.' You can build a lot of suspense and excitement in dark passageways. And you do that, but you might want to draw the suspense out longer. That snake business is creepy and the final paragraphs are very well written.


Chapter 10. Rather than write about Karen doing some painting, we need some excitement, suspense and romance. We need Karen and Kleon sneaking around behind their masters' backs so they can see each other. But great plot development with the fire,the angry mob and the escape from the mob.

billetem wrote 153 days ago

Chapter 9. This might be your best chapter sofar. Your writing is very skillful, especially at the beginning. One can always nitpick of course.

billetem wrote 153 days ago

Chapter 8. Great description of Nero. You mention Karen's feelings for Kleon right at the beginning. This would fine if in Chapter 7 we had a 1,000 word description of them being together. Lots of good descriptions, some very good. The lioness going after the boy is certainly dramatic, but we need more conflict and drama into this novel. There's no suspense. We can sense that a conflict will come because of Karen's feelings for Kleon, but it's slow in coming if it ever does come.

billetem wrote 153 days ago

You had to bring Kleon into the story again, which you did. Both chapters 6 and 7 have the same pace. It would be better if you could breeze through some things and linger over other matters in detail. There's no problem with Kleon being a fast worker, but the pace must go slower at times. There are opportunities to put things under a microscope, write an extra one thousand words and give us more of Karen's thoughts and observations when she's with Kleon round the time he kisses her. Nothing melodramatic or corny now. Just more observations of his hands, eyes, smile, clothes, their surroundings, the scent of the air, sounds, strains of music, atriums, porticos, temperature of the water, how it feels on the skin etc. He's got welts on his back. You might try to use 200 words to describe his back. Or find something else you can linger over, elaborate at great length upon in descriptive prose, to break up the pace. We had the third slave-market scene, but a very good description of how Karen was able to manipulate matters and have Kleon purchased. Your dialogue is ok. It's never sappy or awkward, at least I haven't noticed any big problems.

billetem wrote 153 days ago

I'll reserve comment on chapter 6 until after i've read later chapters.

billetem wrote 153 days ago

Chapter 5. Excellent descriptions: `bands of painted fish on the walls,' `her eyes were shadowed with blue paint', `leaping dolphins, Nepture, tritons...' Very good. We got a second slave-market scene. Good description of that fop. We're waiting to meet up aagain with that good-looking youth she saw at the slave-market in Briton. Or if he's not in your plans, we're looking for some sort of either male-female attachment to form, or some sort of conflict to enlive the march of events. Having the heroine meet a boy her age, is always a winning plot twist with readers. Let's see what happens in chapter 6.

billetem wrote 154 days ago

Chapter 4. You're covering a lot of action in this chapter, and you're doing it with the bare minimum number of words. What you need to do is take one scene, perhaps the scene with the galley slaves, or better yet the scene when the three girls go on their excursion, and you want to use about one thousand to two thousand words to describe what happens in 10 minutes time. This will break the routine of covering lots of time and distance with such a minimal number of words - it will create a mood and a change of pace that will impress the reader and grab his attention. I would take that excursion of the three girls and put it under the magnifying glass, describe things in great detail. Describe these girls. Describe their eyelashes, their complexions, their fingers, their hairstyles...Give us there mannerisms not their biographies. Describe the world around them in great detail. Everything is marching along in your narrative at the same pace. You need a change of pace. France provides a writer with no end of opportunities for describing things in lingering and loving detail: aquaducts, bridges, mountainous terrain, forested countryside, rivers, food, exotic costumes, starving peasants, beautiful slave-girls, high-born matrons, villas, flowers, wine, poplars, sunlight apple trees, vines, wolves, boars, piglets, huntsmen, fugitive Druids etc.

billetem wrote 154 days ago

Chapter 3. Your best chapter so far. You're creating the right mood. You have excellent descriptions: flies buzzing round her on the journey. i'm not a big fan of describing girls with sweaty armpits though! I'd make her sweat but I'd keep it on her brow. You create the mood of captivity: Men staring at her. She's feeling like a trapped animal. She see's a good-looking boy. There's the bitter-sweet parting - she's looking for him before she's dragged away. Perfect.

billetem wrote 154 days ago

Chapter 2. I've read `The Eagle of the Ninth' and I liked it a lot, read it twice. Recall the suspense on the dark moonless night, when the sentry heard a noice which might have been a cow walking about, but they summoned the whole garrison because the centurion feared it was the barbarians creeping up on them. I don't know if you want to call attention to the fact she understands their Latin. Why call attention to impossible stuff? If you want Romans to speak in British idioms, `dearie,' 'that's a piece of advise for you,' this is fine, but no need to call attention to things which are simply impossible. Trust the reader to be willing to suspend his disbelief. Chapter 2 could use less chit-chat and more descriptions. Food is fun to elaborate on. You have chicken and white sause and potatoes. Easy to augment this. The dialogue mentioning crucifixion for escaped slaves was very good - but give more description of the scene. Paint the picture the soldiers marching her to fortress. Paint a picture of the countryside. Create the mood that a girl in captivity would feel. Recall the descriptions of nature in `The Eagle of the Ninth' when that centurion and his slave go north to Valentia, or whatever it was called. You have it where, she's quickly apprehended, and then there's dialogue which for the most part adds little, except for the crucifixion part, which is essential, and then she's suddenly at the fort. Escapes are fun. Recall David Balfour's Flight through the Heather in `Kidnapped.'

billetem wrote 154 days ago

Hi Lynn - Chapter 1. How about this for an idea: begin with a short description of the scene before she finds the mirror, include the Norman castle, include the part about Lawrance of Arabia, include her sister. Your second chapter misses an opportunity for suspense and thrills. So, 1) Begin with a short description of the scene, 2) She finds the mirror, 3) She's transported back in time. I like how you've handled the transport, though you might want to flesh it out some more. 4) Now she does not simply wait for the Romans to walk up to her. She's confused, terrified etc. She attempts to escape frm them but is captured. Much of the descriptive language you use in Chapter 1 can be used to describe the scene when she is attempting her escape. The descriptions of the sea and the shore which you have in Chapter 1 are perfectly good.

Chapter 2.

billetem wrote 164 days ago

Your pitch has me more interested than anything else I've seen at authonomy. I'll read `The Green Bronze Mirror' very soon. - Bill Etem

mrsdfwt wrote 245 days ago

Dear Lynn,
Read three chapters of The Green Bronze Mirror, and found it very charming. What an adventure (or misfortune), to go back to Roman Times. What i have read of that era is not very pleasant, and so i just have a couple of comments. You can disregard them if you wish because it's just my opinion :).
The interaction between Karen and her new master in chapter three could be a little different, more in tune with the times.

"You'll be wondering why i bought you?"
There's nothing wrong with the question, although it sounds very civilized for a Roman soldier.
At this point, after he takes possession of his purchase, he'd probably be quite rude and patronizing. Perhaps he'd look at her with a sneer, take a hold of her face in his big calloused hand, and spit the same words with either contempt or desire, probably both.

Her response, "Not particularly.", would be taken with great insult, unless of course she was Cleopatra.
In Karen's case, her master would probably run her through with his sword or at the very least. slap her for her insollence.
I think you have a great story here Lynn. Personally, I'd love to see a little more drama relating to that period in history.
Highly starred and placed in line for the shelf.
Maria
Dark of the Moon

Lynne Ellison wrote 296 days ago

Have you written anything since you was a child, or are you just milking this book over and over again.



As mentioned in my biography, I have not written anything since this book was published, but I hope to write more in the future.

Stanman wrote 297 days ago

Have you written anything since you was a child, or are you just milking this book over and over again.

Nathan Maki wrote 308 days ago

Hi Lynne,
This was a great story for having written it so young! I hope you get it printed more widely. Here’s some comments I had. I read the first chapter and didn’t see any serious changes to be made. Rome is more my specialty, so I had more comments as you got into chapter 2. Here’s some edits/thoughts.
Chapter 2
Karen was completely mystified (need a period.)
…walked off, if you ask me (comma instead of hyphen) the cheeky little (dash instead of hyphen. There’s a few places where you use hyphens when it should be a comma throughout.)
…you’d not get off lightly then you know.” (there’s a misplaced period in there.)
On a more historical note,
You use the title decurion to describe the officer Rufus. Technically decurion means leader of ten men, but in actual use it was actually used only for Roman cavalry officers. This is unfortunate because it’s a very useful term and one that I wanted to use in my book but couldn’t because it’s not historically accurate. It’s actually unclear whether there were any officers over each contubernium or tent unit of 8-10 men. It’s not clear that there was any officer in the regular infantry below the centurion and his second-in-command optio, who would have together commanded 80 men.
One thing is clear to me though. If Rufus was a decurion, over only ten men, he wouldn’t have a two-room suite to share with only one other decurion. Centurions certainly (and optios possibly) had their own tent when on the march and their own room when in a fort, but a low-level officer like a decurion would have almost certainly slept with his small squad. You can understand the logistical problems of providing every decurion with his own room when you consider that a legion was 5000 men, so there would be 500 ten-man units. That would mean if a fort was housing a legion it would have to have 500 rooms just for decurions alone, not to mention housing everyone else. This would just be impractical. I’d suggest making Rufus a centurion if you want him to have moderately high status.
I don’t understand why the slave woman would take Karen for a boy. Most everyone wore tunics at that point in time, not pants or dresses, though there were some exceptions. Roman boys typically wore their hair cut short and girls left it grow long. As you already mentioned, Karen’s hair was long. That would have been more of an indicator to the slave lady than the fact she was wearing pants.
Karen identifies her new master as Duillius Rufus, but you didn’t mention him every telling her his name. It also seems likely she’d have struggled to remember/pronounce it the first time she was asked to name him, though that’s just a matter of style.
Just a few thoughts to mull over as you’re in the editing process. I’m giving this five stars because it is well-written and an interesting story in a straight-forward realistic but engaging style. I’ll add it to my watchlist for rotation soon. With some polishing I’m sure we’ll see this republished and on the shelves before long.
Any further comments/suggestions/edits you can give me on A War Within would be appreciated.
Best regards,
Nathan Maki

Inkfinger wrote 327 days ago

Wow, I can't believe you wrote this so young! It's a great old-fashioned adventure story, but would definitely still appeal to children today. I don't know if you want some constructive critisism, as it's already in print. If so, there's only one thing I'd say:
For me, I thought that the first paragraph or so had too many adjectives and adverbs. But I noticed as you got further into the story, they seemed to disappear as the action took over.
It's a brilliant adventure with a great plot, and a great protagonist in Karen. I'm in awe!
Highly starred and I will back soon.
Becky x

CMTStibbe wrote 342 days ago

Scenic descriptions and skillful images of a child’s imagination keep this book true to its genre. Karen is daydreaming on her own island and discovers a mirror. But as she finds her reflection, she also finds another world. Caught my Roman soldiers, during the time of Nero, she finds herself in one family only to be sold to another. Time travel is fascinating and I think you connect well with your chosen audience. It is lucidly told with a great plot to boot. I give it six stars and will put it on my shelf in a day or two. Highly recommended. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

Wei wrote 342 days ago

Classic story-telling, and very compelling! My comments echo some others posted here -- we know we are in classic fantasy-land, in the tradition of C.S. Lewis and Susan Cooper, but it still feels odd that there is no comment about the strangeness of being able to understand the Roman soldiers, etc. It does feel like she should be more disoriented than she is in Ch. 2....

Lynne Ellison wrote 355 days ago

This is a very well crafted, thoughtful book, a great way to get kids interested in Roman history. But it does feel terribly English. I think it would help to include the odd Latin sounding phrase or term, just to really show us where we are and that you know what you're writing about. Even if Karen is somehow speaking Latin like a native, i think she'd still find things unusual - after all, the climate, food are all new to her. I think English slaves were highly valued - there is a story possibly apocryphal - that they were delivered to rome, a pope i think was told they were angles and he thought they were angels. On watch list for the moment. a bit hard to rate it until finished. good luck with it and look forward to your comments on mine. cheers




Thank you for your comment. I will get back to your book shortly.

Please note that the remark about English slaves dates from a much later period of Roman history than the one dealt with in this book -the late sixth century, in fact. Moreover, in the reign of Nero ( in the first century A. D.), there was no such people as the " English", and the Angles (from whom the word "English" derives) did not come to Britain until the fifth century.

Writenow wrote 355 days ago

This is a very well crafted, thoughtful book, a great way to get kids interested in Roman history. But it does feel terribly English. I think it would help to include the odd Latin sounding phrase or term, just to really show us where we are and that you know what you're writing about. Even if Karen is somehow speaking Latin like a native, i think she'd still find things unusual - after all, the climate, food are all new to her. I think English slaves were highly valued - there is a story possibly apocryphal - that they were delivered to rome, a pope i think was told they were angles and he thought they were angels. On watch list for the moment. a bit hard to rate it until finished. good luck with it and look forward to your comments on mine. cheers

Charmain wrote 358 days ago

This book is sensational, and well written. I love the way you add history to the story, it makes it so much better. I give you six stars.
-Charmain

Kim D wrote 358 days ago

A beautifully crafted and highly polished story. I couldn't fault it technically.
A job very well done.
Kim
St Viper's School for Super Villains

lucy.leid wrote 372 days ago

Hi Lynne - your story is great: why do you have such a lacklustre short pitch? You owe yourself a wonderfully descriptive short. I also think your first sentence is wayyy too much. Try splitting it up into two. You don't want to be starting with an info dump...or I guess...a vivid dump?
That being said, your story was the most enjoyable I read today (and I'm trying to power through my bookshelf, shh!). The language is easily graspable and you paint lovely pictures - sometimes, it's just a little too lovely. You know? Too many 'feminine' descriptives will limit your audience, though I guess that can be said for many books, so you can take that at face value.
Your voice is just right for your novel, though some may scold you for the narrative 'step back' as it is referred to. I like it. I see the storytelling value in it. Great read. Best of luck with it.

Ivan Amberlake wrote 387 days ago

Chapter 1 is majestic. The images you have created (the rolling waves of the sea, an old Norman castle, etc., etc, and last but not least, the green mirror) are so vivid I can see them in my mind’s eye. I even re-read the chapter to feel the atmosphere you’ve created. I definitely want to find out what would happen to Karen next. BTW, a superb ending to Chapter 1. Very intriguing.

Looking forward to reading more …
Ivan.

Shah Wali wrote 392 days ago

The Green Bronze Mirror
Read the first chapter, could not find any problem, it is nicely done. The story is beleivable and novel. And there is mcuh to come when the reader wants to know what the mirror might be, what happens when she looks herself into the mirror, is it of historical importance, what is it, will she be a millionair, what? lots of questions that can keep the reader to read on.

Wilma1 wrote 401 days ago

I think this is a remarkable piece of writing for one so young. You have great imagary. Your writing is polished and has a great depth to it. I read this before under the old system and am pleased to have the opportunity to re read it and give it the rightly deserved stars.
Sue
Knowing Liam Riley

Christopher Roy Denton wrote 417 days ago

Hi Lynne!

I’ve read a few chapters of your book, and it’s very polished, which I suppose is to be expected if it’s been published before, lol. I think you’ve got a wonderful MC and a fast paced and exciting plot. This is going on my shelf.

Here are a few notes I made as I read:-

“The hair blew into her eyes...” sounded a bit odd when it’s her hair.

“She went slowly down to the sea again...” -> Once again she trudged down to the water’s edge, and finding a piece of driftwood, drew a horse...

The end of chapter one is a great hook, but why use the word ‘slowly’ on the end when it can be cut without changing the meaning?

You mention in chapter two that the weather had changed. Would it be worth mentioning that it seemed much warmer than she’d ever remembered in England, well, Wales, lol. I mean, it was warmer in the UK during the Roman period than it is today.

It seemed strange that the Romans spoke perfect English without an accent, lol. I mean, obviously you have to have them speak English, but can’t you give them an accent that Karen hears?

“When they arrived at the fort, he left her in charge of the old slave...” This sounds like she’s in charge of Davus, but I think you meant, ‘left her in the charge of the old slave.’

She’d gone around the ruins of one. Be specific, Caerleon near Cardiff has a ruined fort with wonderful exposed barracks foundations, an amphitheatre and fantastic bathhouse.

“I’m a Greek.” -> I’m Greek.

He dived under a low doorway -> He ducked under a low lintel

The smell of cooking. What smells, lol? Be specific and transport me there, please.

Cordella thought Karen’s clothes were indecent, but why? Surely the Romans at this time wore even more revealing clothes, especially since the weather was so hot back then.

Why would Cordella take Karen for a girl? She had long hair, but the Roman fashion for men was generally short hair.

Cordella had a mirror? Why would a slave have such an expensive luxury item? I’d expected Cordella to laugh and make fun of Karen for asking her if she had a mirror.

Having read that the date was so early in the Roman occupation, I wondered about the stone buildings in the barracks. Surely they would only have been wood at this stage.

Having said all the above, I’m no historian, and certainly not an expert on Roman Britain, so I’m only giving my thoughts as I read.

I hope my notes help.

All the best,
Chris :-)

keithw wrote 433 days ago

Time travel stories are some of my absolute favorites. My mind got involved with your story, and I found myself traveling in time with the story, especially since I was in Rome and Pompeii not long ago. I never knew Pompeii was so large! I only spent two hours there, and it could have been two days. Ah, you see my mind wanders even now!

What a great story and a great read. Thank you so much for sharing that with us.

Keith W.

karenrosario wrote 451 days ago

I love that you wrote this when you were 14! I don't feel like any critical advice would be particularly relevant in this case, and I can't think of anything anyway! It has a delightful and fun feel to it and Karen is very likeable. There's something about the tone and style that reminds me a little bit of Five Children and It and other such childrens classics.
I have read and enjoyed the first chapter and will keep it on my watchlist to come back to soon :-)
Karen Rosario

minx2minx wrote 461 days ago

Hi Lynne, what an enchanting story. I haven't had time to read all of it but have enjoyed the chapters I have read so far and look forward to reading it to my grandchildren.
Backed and starred with pleasure.
Lizzie Scott :-)

ShawnBird wrote 469 days ago

I signed this out from the Book Mobile the summer of 1977 when I was 13. I was so jealous that a 14 year old had been published, and I LOVED the story. Although I lost the details of it, I never forgot the title, and have kept my eyes open for a copy for over 30 years! How exciting to find it available again (I'll be downloading the e-book from smashwords). I was in Italy this spring, and visiting Pompeii and Rome brought this book to mind many times. I'm also pleased to report that I no longer need to be jealous, since next fall my own novel Grace Awakening is set to be published. It took awhile, but dreams can come true. :-) Thanks Lynn! http://shawnbird.com

Lynne Ellison wrote 470 days ago

Hello,

Thanks for your request. The initial comments are on specific chapters; more general feedback is at the end. Hope this is of some use – I realise that this book has been published, and given that it was written when you were so young, my feedback might sound a bit harsh. I’ve tried to read in the same way I’d read any published book, but the comments aren’t aimed at a teenage author, because this book is far more than I’d expect from most fourteen-year olds.

Chapter 1
- ‘She could be irritating when not wanted’ – is that intentionally phrased so as to make it sound like Anne is deliberately irritating, rather than that Karen finds her presence irritating when she is not wanted?
- Why is the island not described as such when Karen first sees it? Presumably the first idea to occur to her would be that it is an island, not ‘a large section of sand’
- I haven’t seen steep sandy banks in a coastal ‘island’ before, only low-lying sand bars or rock outcrops which form islands – but I assume you have, or at least have done enough research to know that they exist.
- Accenting vs. Accentuating – I think the latter is more appropriate in the context of loneliness.
- Words such as lonely, solitude, and loneliness are used in close proximity – is this too much repetition within a few lines?

Chapter 2
- ‘Roman Britain, which she [had] read in school last term’ – when writing in past tense, and referring to events prior to the storyline, past perfect tense is usually more appropriate.
- The beating from Marius is downplayed by Karen. She was beaten, perhaps it was humiliating – was it painful?

Chapter 5
- This sentence might benefit from a question mark: ‘What was he saying to the merchant[?] ‘

Chapter 7
- ’Did that mule walk fast?’ – I think you could replace the question mark with an exclamation, as I et the impression Kleon is commenting on the speed of the mule rather than pondering it.
- We are exposed to Karen’s PoV right throughout the posted chapters – until the point where we suddenly catch a glimpse of what the Samnite is thinking, as if the narrator suddenly interrupted to say ‘I know more than I’m letting on!’I’m not sure the information we get at that point justifies derailing what the reader was thinking of as a 3rd person limited PoV.

Chapter 9
- ‘One day, the whole world will be converted to our way of thinking.’ Really? Because it hasn’t happened in Karen’s time and many would argue that it never will. It’s not clear enough (to me) why Karen is saying this – perhaps in order to encourage the others?

This leads me to one of the points which most confuses me – Karen’s religion. It’s not brought up at all until the point when she is asked which gods she follows – then suddenly she’s putting her life at risk by meeting covertly with the other Christians, and it becomes one of the most significant elements of the story. If the book were listed primarily as a Christian book, this could make sense (I can’t see all the genres listed but the ones I can see are historical fiction, fantasy, and children’s) though I’d still expect Karen’s beliefs to come up earlier in the story – for example when she first finds herself in the hands of the Romans. If it were a ruse Karen uses to find herself a community/allies and help Kleon find something to focus on, then she wouldn’t be quite so eager to convert, or to stick with the other Christians when they are being persecuted. If this is a way of exposing the reader to some of the problems faced by Christians of the time/other minority groups, I’d expect Karen’s faith to be strong enough that the reader would feel what she felt. Instead, it seemed to me like Karen, and thus the reader, tags along observing the group without much passion.

I didn’t notice any issues with plot except that it was rather fast moving. In the PoV you use, we see what Karen does, but some aspects are glossed over – for example, her reactions at finding herself alone in a different time period, with no immediate prospects of seeing her family again, are either far more muted than what most teenage girls would go through, or aren’t really described. The same applies to her new position as a slave. Her relationship with Kleon seems to be more of a passing fling, in light of her newfound desire to return home (which she had presumably suppressed when there didn’t seem to be a chance of doing so). She loves solitude according to the first chapter, but apparently doesn’t have any problems in crowded Rome. It felt to me like aspects of Karen’s life (e.g. attachment to her family, religion, skills such as painting) were taken out when it was convenient to the plot and then disappeared again in such a way that you’d never have known they had existed. In addition to detracting from the realism of the story, this has the effect of making the story seem much faster-paced, and of making Karen a difficult character to relate to or empathise with. Given that the story was written when you were fourteen, I wonder whether some of this relates to how a story grows in one’s mind – it’s organic, rather than constructed, and ideas turn up in the plot as one thinks of them.

The linear succession of events wouldn’t have appealed to me so much - I had hoped for more character development or complexity of plot, but that may be personal preference. As far as concept and setting go, I think this will have appeal for pre-teenage readers. Your writing seems polished, and pleasant to read – there were a couple of misplaced single quote marks, and perhaps some formatting issues, but the prose impressed me from the first chapter. I haven’t checked any facts because I haven’t had the time to look into the few things that did trip me up, but gather from your profile that you and your editor did so before publication.

I’ll stop there because I could be on the wrong track – twelve chapters isn’t always enough to give a good indication of how a story has been written. Congratulations on having had this published – if this is as you wrote it at fourteen, it’s an incredible achievement!

Best regards,
elf_friend



Thank you for your helpful comments on my book. Please see the folowing replies to your remarks:-

1. As noted in my profile the main character Karen represents myself as a young girl. At that age I was often unable to maintain a continued interest in anything, and developed short-lived interests in many things. This accounts for many of the idiosynchracies in the plot.
2. I did not list this book as Christian fiction because I believe it to be not Christian enough to satisfy the afficionados of that genre. ( I have been told as much by Christian fiction editors). The view of Christianity in the book is that prevailing at the time of the book's publication in 1960s England, where nearly everyone regarded themselves as "Christian" even if, like Karen, they "gave little thought to it." People also regarded the western , nominally Christian nations as "the whole world." Christianity was thought of more as a moral code than a set of theological beliefs, and the book's message is that this morality a "Good Thing," or at least a better thing than that of the pagan Romans.
3. To see how Karen's relationship with Kleon develops, and how the conflict between her love and her desire to return home is resolved, it is necessary to read the entire book.

Xaxier wrote 472 days ago

Hi Lynne, I have checked out your book. If you wrote this when you were 14 then I am impressed. The writing style is light and descriptive, with a good flow and I believe this would appeal as a family book. I don't do automatic backing for people who back Boundary Limit, but I have backed yours because it is good enough in my humble opinion.
Regards,
Xavier

elf_friend wrote 476 days ago

Hello,

Thanks for your request. The initial comments are on specific chapters; more general feedback is at the end. Hope this is of some use – I realise that this book has been published, and given that it was written when you were so young, my feedback might sound a bit harsh. I’ve tried to read in the same way I’d read any published book, but the comments aren’t aimed at a teenage author, because this book is far more than I’d expect from most fourteen-year olds.

Chapter 1
- ‘She could be irritating when not wanted’ – is that intentionally phrased so as to make it sound like Anne is deliberately irritating, rather than that Karen finds her presence irritating when she is not wanted?
- Why is the island not described as such when Karen first sees it? Presumably the first idea to occur to her would be that it is an island, not ‘a large section of sand’
- I haven’t seen steep sandy banks in a coastal ‘island’ before, only low-lying sand bars or rock outcrops which form islands – but I assume you have, or at least have done enough research to know that they exist.
- Accenting vs. Accentuating – I think the latter is more appropriate in the context of loneliness.
- Words such as lonely, solitude, and loneliness are used in close proximity – is this too much repetition within a few lines?

Chapter 2
- ‘Roman Britain, which she [had] read in school last term’ – when writing in past tense, and referring to events prior to the storyline, past perfect tense is usually more appropriate.
- The beating from Marius is downplayed by Karen. She was beaten, perhaps it was humiliating – was it painful?

Chapter 5
- This sentence might benefit from a question mark: ‘What was he saying to the merchant[?] ‘

Chapter 7
- ’Did that mule walk fast?’ – I think you could replace the question mark with an exclamation, as I et the impression Kleon is commenting on the speed of the mule rather than pondering it.
- We are exposed to Karen’s PoV right throughout the posted chapters – until the point where we suddenly catch a glimpse of what the Samnite is thinking, as if the narrator suddenly interrupted to say ‘I know more than I’m letting on!’I’m not sure the information we get at that point justifies derailing what the reader was thinking of as a 3rd person limited PoV.

Chapter 9
- ‘One day, the whole world will be converted to our way of thinking.’ Really? Because it hasn’t happened in Karen’s time and many would argue that it never will. It’s not clear enough (to me) why Karen is saying this – perhaps in order to encourage the others?

This leads me to one of the points which most confuses me – Karen’s religion. It’s not brought up at all until the point when she is asked which gods she follows – then suddenly she’s putting her life at risk by meeting covertly with the other Christians, and it becomes one of the most significant elements of the story. If the book were listed primarily as a Christian book, this could make sense (I can’t see all the genres listed but the ones I can see are historical fiction, fantasy, and children’s) though I’d still expect Karen’s beliefs to come up earlier in the story – for example when she first finds herself in the hands of the Romans. If it were a ruse Karen uses to find herself a community/allies and help Kleon find something to focus on, then she wouldn’t be quite so eager to convert, or to stick with the other Christians when they are being persecuted. If this is a way of exposing the reader to some of the problems faced by Christians of the time/other minority groups, I’d expect Karen’s faith to be strong enough that the reader would feel what she felt. Instead, it seemed to me like Karen, and thus the reader, tags along observing the group without much passion.

I didn’t notice any issues with plot except that it was rather fast moving. In the PoV you use, we see what Karen does, but some aspects are glossed over – for example, her reactions at finding herself alone in a different time period, with no immediate prospects of seeing her family again, are either far more muted than what most teenage girls would go through, or aren’t really described. The same applies to her new position as a slave. Her relationship with Kleon seems to be more of a passing fling, in light of her newfound desire to return home (which she had presumably suppressed when there didn’t seem to be a chance of doing so). She loves solitude according to the first chapter, but apparently doesn’t have any problems in crowded Rome. It felt to me like aspects of Karen’s life (e.g. attachment to her family, religion, skills such as painting) were taken out when it was convenient to the plot and then disappeared again in such a way that you’d never have known they had existed. In addition to detracting from the realism of the story, this has the effect of making the story seem much faster-paced, and of making Karen a difficult character to relate to or empathise with. Given that the story was written when you were fourteen, I wonder whether some of this relates to how a story grows in one’s mind – it’s organic, rather than constructed, and ideas turn up in the plot as one thinks of them.

The linear succession of events wouldn’t have appealed to me so much - I had hoped for more character development or complexity of plot, but that may be personal preference. As far as concept and setting go, I think this will have appeal for pre-teenage readers. Your writing seems polished, and pleasant to read – there were a couple of misplaced single quote marks, and perhaps some formatting issues, but the prose impressed me from the first chapter. I haven’t checked any facts because I haven’t had the time to look into the few things that did trip me up, but gather from your profile that you and your editor did so before publication.

I’ll stop there because I could be on the wrong track – twelve chapters isn’t always enough to give a good indication of how a story has been written. Congratulations on having had this published – if this is as you wrote it at fourteen, it’s an incredible achievement!

Best regards,
elf_friend

klouholmes wrote 476 days ago

Hi Lynne, I began reading again at Chapter 4 and found the details of Karen's journey thrilling while her perspective, knowing some of it already, gave some nice understatement.
A few things to watch - starting a sentence with "It was" and "Karen" beginning sentences when her name is used so often. I noticed that in Chap 4 and then that Chap 5 flowed much better. The ship and road scenes could be enhanced with a little dialogue. When it starts at the inn and in the market, it's really good.
Wanted to read the auction scene. I especially liked her arrival at the house and Lady Julia. You've achieved the atmosphere and the plight. Happy to shelve again - Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

AmberSparks wrote 477 days ago

Dear Lynne,

I love stories with time travel and romance in it, which is why I bought The Time Traveler's Wife and enjoyed it a LOT. Your book though, is way different. It's just on another level. It's not bad. It's not good. It's great! I absotively posilutely love it! Your writing is very compelling and also the way you describe things just makes me feel as if I'm Karen and I'm living the book, if you know what I mean.

BACKED with pleasure.

Love,
AmberSparks

billy.mcbride wrote 478 days ago

Dear Lynne Ellison,

The world is a big and beautiful place. Time travel to me is something which I have also written about. You have a nice book written and I am happy to endorse it because of your enthusiasm and wonder. You have a wonderful ability to focus in on details which I doubt that you will ever lose. Thank you for sharing your book with the community.

With Respect,

Billy McBride

Nadia90 wrote 478 days ago

Thats a very interesting story, what a great concept for a book designed for children! i can also see theta you have a 100-copy printed edition on amazon.com, thats great! wish you all the luck with it!

Sincerely
Nadia

Kittenkel wrote 479 days ago

It's great you already have this published, Lynne. I can definitely see how it would be a good story for children - a nice idea with delightul characters!

Lynne Ellison wrote 480 days ago

That is my point. She is not a girl of 2010. But your potential readers today ARE girls (and boys) of 2010, not 1966. That is why my suggestion was to do a little freshening up, especially in the dialogue, with a few references to portable phones or the internet. These could be easily added, and will help TODAY'S young people identify with your heroine. If you don't see any point in considering any improvements to a book published in 1966, then I'm not sure what point there is in being on a website where authors try to help each other with friendly critiquing. :-)



Thank you for your continued interest in this book. Have you heard of the proposed film version of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe which was updated to 1990s America, and the White Witch tempted Edmund with a cheeseburger instead of Turkish Delight?

James David Audlin wrote 480 days ago

That is my point. She is not a girl of 2010. But your potential readers today ARE girls (and boys) of 2010, not 1966. That is why my suggestion was to do a little freshening up, especially in the dialogue, with a few references to portable phones or the internet. These could be easily added, and will help TODAY'S young people identify with your heroine. If you don't see any point in considering any improvements to a book published in 1966, then I'm not sure what point there is in being on a website where authors try to help each other with friendly critiquing. :-)

Lynne Ellison wrote 480 days ago

This reminds me of books like Theodora DuBois' "Captive of Rome" - in several ways. Like DuBois (the wife of anthropologist A. L. Kroeber and the mother of science-fiction author Ursula K. LeGuin), this is well-researched and very competently written. Also like DuBois, it does feel like something written forty years ago. I would be happy to see this in bookstores, so I am going to back it, but I do think it could use a little freshening up - the dialogue especially, so it seems more like a girl of 2010 is back in Rome. Just a few more modern kid-slang expressions, for instance, some references to, say, portable phones or the internet, would help young people today to identify with the heroine and walk with her, as it were, in the classical period.



Thank you for your comment. Please note that the main character is NOT "a girl of 2010" but of the 1960s; the book having been first publsied in 1966.

Stark Silvercoin wrote 481 days ago

The Green Bronze Mirror is a delightful read aimed at younger and middle grade readers, but one that treats them like adults. Author Lynne Ellison has created a fascinating world based on historical fact, and added modern girl Karen into the mix. It reminds me a bit of “A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court” in its style, and being compared to Mark Twain is not too shabby. Children of a certain age who are just beginning to explore the world of books could find their first heroes here, a worthy goal that I have little doubt will be successful.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

The Nomad wrote 481 days ago

This is a very enjoyable read, taking us back to a time which we hear so much about but only learn about the action and impulses of it's rulers.
A slight gripe I have is that Karen accepts that she has gone back in time a little too easily. I think most people would probably doubt that they are in this predicament until the proof hit them in the face time and time again.
Other than that, there is a lot to like with this. It's a easy sell to anyone who has even only a little interest in the Romans or just likes the escapism of it. Backed.

The Nomad

THE ISLAND EXPERIMENT

James David Audlin wrote 481 days ago

This reminds me of books like Theodora DuBois' "Captive of Rome" - in several ways. Like DuBois (the wife of anthropologist A. L. Kroeber and the mother of science-fiction author Ursula K. LeGuin), this is well-researched and very competently written. Also like DuBois, it does feel like something written forty years ago. I would be happy to see this in bookstores, so I am going to back it, but I do think it could use a little freshening up - the dialogue especially, so it seems more like a girl of 2010 is back in Rome. Just a few more modern kid-slang expressions, for instance, some references to, say, portable phones or the internet, would help young people today to identify with the heroine and walk with her, as it were, in the classical period.

Lynne Ellison wrote 481 days ago

The Green Bronze Mirror - To go back in time, who has not dreamt of doing that? I am not sure what age group of children the author is writing for but taking into account the age of the heroine assume this is for the young adult market.
There are some good descriptions, particularly of the sea and beach in the opening chapter. However I felt the language used was rather stilted and possibly, unintentionally dated throughout the three chapters I read. I feel the author should remove words like 'golly,' (used to express surprise) as only people of forty years plus would be familiar with it. I also think Karen's bewilderment at suddenly finding herself in such a strange situation should be heightened. Likewise when she is taken into custody by Roman soldiers on the beach and put into slavery would be terrifying to say the very least, bearing mind Karen is a child of the twentieth century with all the freedoms enjoyed, and to be sold.....nothing more than a commercial product.....deeply disturbing. There is a good story here, but my opinion is it needs to be darker - young adults can not only take it - they love it.

Child - Atramentus Speaks



Thank you for your comment. Please note that this book was first published in1966

child wrote 481 days ago

The Green Bronze Mirror - To go back in time, who has not dreamt of doing that? I am not sure what age group of children the author is writing for but taking into account the age of the heroine assume this is for the young adult market.
There are some good descriptions, particularly of the sea and beach in the opening chapter. However I felt the language used was rather stilted and possibly, unintentionally dated throughout the three chapters I read. I feel the author should remove words like 'golly,' (used to express surprise) as only people of forty years plus would be familiar with it. I also think Karen's bewilderment at suddenly finding herself in such a strange situation should be heightened. Likewise when she is taken into custody by Roman soldiers on the beach and put into slavery would be terrifying to say the very least, bearing mind Karen is a child of the twentieth century with all the freedoms enjoyed, and to be sold.....nothing more than a commercial product.....deeply disturbing. There is a good story here, but my opinion is it needs to be darker - young adults can not only take it - they love it.

Child - Atramentus Speaks

HannahWar wrote 483 days ago

First of all a beautiful description of the sea side, giving a real sense of the surroundings. It's been done many times before but this is really good one. The theme of the book reminds me a little of "Lost in Austen". Always interesting to go back in time and revive the old days. Nice work and written with care. Hannah