Book Jacket

 

rank 5463
word count 106335
date submitted 24.04.2010
date updated 24.04.2010
genres: Fiction, Thriller, Romance, Crime
classification: moderate
complete

Rivers of Blood

Mark Mane

Seventeen-year old Kelly is running. Killers assassinated her whole family. They are searching for her she is looking for them. And that's only Chapter One.

 

Seventeen year old Kelly stayed home while her parents and four brothers and sisters went grocery shopping. That saved her life. She saw her family gunned down and ran, stealing one of the killer's car in the process. She finds some money and weapons in the car and vows REVENGE. The killers want her dead, the police want to protect her,she wants revenge. How can I call this a love story?

 
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tags

action, adventure, commercial fiction, romance

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SusieGulick wrote 704 days ago

Dear Mark, I love your suspense novels - this is the 4th book I'm back - 3 to go - good writing. :) Love, Susie :)

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Mitch Kelly wrote 758 days ago

Mark,

Overall I liked the premise mate, and would be interested to see how Kelly ends up going about her revenge. Hopefully it's not too gung-ho all guns blazing. While that would be cool, it wouldn't really make sense.

Here is some critique/feedback.

Pitch:
- With the age, I usually see it as seventeen year-old, as opposed to the two alternatives you have.
- searching for her she is looking - (Needs an and or some kind of punctuation like a dash between her and she.)
- her,she - (lookes like it needs a space)
- Other than that, it's a good set-up!

Chapter one:
- I didn't really get the three minute discrepancy in time from at the start to what is said in the first paragraph.
- I didn't like the 'less than ten minutes dead', and would prefer, 'been dead for less than ten minutes'.
- I didn't really like the ages of the kids being described as they were either.
- developed by a devloper - Sounds repetitive and unnecessary.
- "But why," she wondered. - I would consider using a different type of quotation mark for your dialogue and thoughts/nicknames, etc. I'd also think about italicising thoughts. Oh, and since it is a question, go with a question mark.
- What would she do now. - Again, question mark.
- Noting out of the norm - (Nothing)

Best of luck with this,
Mitch

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