Undesirable Circumstances

Your use of foreshadowing and teenage inner angst in the prologue is well done. Your story is finely crafted, well paced, well written and will appeal to the YA audience. Your use of imagery is excellent and your character development is superb, especially that of Shelby and Noah. Backed with pleasure.

Cheers,
Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

UNDESIRABLE CIRCUMSTANCES:

Tina,

What a clever premise! And you have crafted an absolutely first class plot for a chick-lit romance. A plot with a really strong backbone that you know will hold this story together through all its inevitable valleys and peaks and suspense.

I like the way you plunge us straight into the action. I felt immediately involved in the characters, and you have cleverly created both empathy and sympathy for Shelby.

You are clearly a born story teller, and I think this novel will do very well.

Backed, with much pleasure.

Sheila Mary Taylor (Pinpoint)

This is a good story. You have good characters in both Noah and Shelby. They're both likable and become sympathetic when their paretns announce they're a couple. I think you'll find a big audience for this among adolescents whose parents have divorced and are beginning to date again. They'll want to follow this to see how it turns out and, hopefully, learn something they can apply to their own life. I'm adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

I would love to know what you've done with this book and whether it is availlable somewhere to read the whole thing.
I was hooked from the beginning and think the plot line is original and intriguing in the sense I can't work out which way you'll go with this. Will Noah end up being the brother type and Shelby move on, or will they get together in the end. That would be somewhat weird given the relationship between their mother and father but hey, that's what makes the world go round.
Either way if you ever get the chance to let me know how I can read the end, I'd love it.
Cheers Jacoba

Tina,

I like the way you describe Shelby's feelings as she stands out on the sidewalk and attempts to tell Noah goodbye. However, there are some things I can't get:

1) In your short pitch you say Noah hates Shelby, but he says she is the best friend he ever had
2) Is it believable that a fourteen year old would have a passionate (VERY) kiss in front of her mother, but worries like crazy about what her friends are thinking? It seems to me that a good girl (which Shelby seems to be) would worry about both

I like your long pitch, but I'm having difficulty seeing how it's going to work with the first chapter you put out. I'm guessing that peer pressure is going to play a role, but I'm still not seeing it. Oh well, I guess I'm just not being patient enough. I think teen girls would like it though. I'll commit to a few more chapters and give another comment then.

Lu-Lu

I love the first kiss part and how he "has been practicing"! Very realistic and very cute. A good book so far. Backed
J N Peterson
Innocent

i get the feeling that kellen is a slimy creep ball. i'm hoping that shelby isn't dumb enough to sleep with him.

great book.

me

HI Tina,

Originally I was only going to do a skim of the first chapter, but now you've got me hooked. I'm definitely going to read the rest tonight before going to bed. Very engaging read.

On another note, I think this sentence "He would probably flattered by the fact..." in the first chapter should be "He was probably flattered..."

Good luck with this!
Tracy

Tina,
Your pitch drew me in days ago and now, I find myself continually checking your page every few days to see if you have added more chapters. I have to say that I have only found one other novel on this site that intrigued me as much, and you are teasing me without giving me the rest of the script to read! :) If you get a chance, please let me know when you add any new chapters. I would love to feed this burning desire to know what happens next!
I believe your writing is exceptional, and the script is very addictive!!
Karen Walker Goin
(She Woke The Dead)

I am impressed with the confident style this is written with!
The plot is great, unfortunately too much a reality and it is this that I think is going to make this a very desirable book. Good characterisation in a realist plot feels a perfect combination to me, I think this is going to do very well!

This strikes me as being written by someone who truly knows her genre and is comfortable within it.
There is nothing strained or forced about the way in which you deliver the story. It flows perfectly.
The dialogue is especially effective in allowing the reader to believe in the characters.
Nicely crafted, excellent delivery, backed with pleasure. (A favour I hope you can return)

David
Bailey of the Saints

A great premise that is marvellously executed.
Backed with pleasure! Good Luck!!
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of Sicilian Shadows) for a further possible backing of your book.

I'm so glad you added two more chapters. I truly can't get enough! Please, for goodness sake...let me know when and if you add a few more. :)
Karen

V nice read, v strong characters and storyline. Its a polished read and although aimed at teenagers most adults will harp back to their teenage years. Well done - Baclked

Great YA angst-filled, teenage love story. Brings me back to high school, except the moving in with the love-of-my life's family! I'm dying to know what happens! Very well-done and happily backed

Denise

Nice read. Polished charcters and diolouge that create a stong voice. C W

Shelby and Noah are excellent characters. I enjoyed reading this and think Y/A will adore this story. They will be glued to it like they are glued to social networking. Well written.

This manuscript was wonderful! I had a hard time tearing myself away as this unfolded, even to answer the phone. The tension between Shelby and Noah continues to build, and I feel like I am living the scenes as I read this. (Just what you want the reader to do). I loved the scene with Jamie in Shelby's room. Hilarious! Great YA here! I would love to see more. Let me know if you upload any more chapters.
Karen

I can see this appealing to a wide audience, from chick-lit to YA... you clearly have a very good understanding of the teenage mind and I can sense enough twists and turns to keep the reader hooked.. well done - Backed!
Diane
Good Blood

Tina, this is really good writing. You have a way of exposing the general trauma of being a teen that is real and engaging.

I've listed some things below to try to help you strengthen the story even more. I don't mean for it to seem overly critical, it's just a few things that I observed while reading and thought you may be able to use some of the ideas.

1) At the beginning you mention that Shelby was no longer popular. That she kisses a “geek” doesn’t seem like cause for her friends to shun her. Am I missing something? Anyway, in chapter four you mention that Noah’s sister was giving her a run for the money on being most popular as if Shelby was still the most popular.

2) As for Noah’s rise in popularity, you may want to mention in the first of second chapter that the geeky boy had grown into a handsome man over the course of the summer.
3) You make it clear that Shelby did something to hurt Noah at some point in the past. I found myself spending a good deal of time trying to figure out what exactly was going on to cause Shelby’s fall and Noah’s rise. I think it would help the flow a bit if you mentioned the incident, not in detail, as you obviously need to keep up the suspense, but just enough of it so the reader knows that there was a cause and effect circumstance that changed everything. Maybe just mention “the phone call” that changed everything. If it was a typical teenage spat between her and her friends, tell us that. It will help the reader fall in love with her rather than make them think she might be the villan.

4) You seem to overplay “after what she had done to him,” a bit. It’s not obnoxious, but it doesn’t really add to the story. The reader already knows Shelby and Noah’s feelings for each other and that there was a regrettable incident. Beating a dead horse can be detrimental to the flow.

5)Chapter 10 isn’t loaded onto the server (I got an error that said “This chapter not loaded properly”)

6) It seems improbable that in a real high school where two kids shared one kiss and then broke-up during a summer that the entire school would be aware of an ongoing hatred between Shelby and Noah, causing a hundred of them to call Noah when they heard the news. If that is the case, then you’ve got to build a case by letting the reader know that they had major blowouts in the hallways and did nasty thing to each other. When I was in school no one had a clue as to who you dated three years ago, much less could have cared. Overstatements like these can really detract from an otherwise very believable story.

7)When you write from the first person perspective, remember that the reader doesn’t know all the things that you know about the story or the characters. Reread the story and take the perspective of an outside observer, questioning motives for saying and doing the things your characters are doing. I think that will help you to fill in a few holes.

Shelved with pleasure. Best of luck to you

tyler (Almost Straight)

I read the whole story and like it very much. But I think Noah's character changes from a sensible guy to a shallow person way to quick. I almost hope Shelby and him just don’t get together at all during the later part of the story.

Howard

Tina, I read all of what you posted,well written, perfect emotion and dialogue for high schoolers, and it brought back both wonderful and not so wonderful memories of high school for me, but I remember feeling like that after my first kiss, and it was so nice to recall that innocence and trust.

Your family is well rounded and draws us in to the intimate circle making us feel like part of the story, carrying us out of reality which is what a book is suppose to do. I thouroughly enjoyed it and wished there was more. Happily backed Patricia aka Columia Layers of the Heart

Hi Tina Marie'
like your prologue . descriptive , Shelby's piano teacher his father a Doctor Even the peppermint kiss.
not to mention Sandusky Ohio , iI now have it in my minds eye, as a cowboy sort of town where everyone knows everyone, for my further reading ' i will back with pleasure and the best of luck.
Tom, 'From Hugs to kisses'

Hi Tina,
I enjoyed this a lot and was glad I'd read your pitch, which I thought was very good. Usually I'm not keen on chick-lit (I hate it, actually) but you're clearly a very good writer and i think this will definitely appeal to the intended audience. I felt for the kids -- M&D's are embarrassing enough as it is, without them getting married and sleeping together --Yuk! And then there's Noah. Now, he's an interesting character. Kellen, too. All good characters, in fact. More please.
BACKED,
Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

Good book for teen girls. They'll love it.
Rosalind
Good for Him
and
Making It

Text messages (some people are always seen) and swim trunk laws are all the hallmarks of a great author. A TV series may well result from this work. Great writing. Backed. Chuck (Paperboy Adventures)

Nice. I'll back this for you. Dave

I wanted to let you know that I truly love Shelby - she is such a cool uncool MC. I was with her from the very beginning, her voice in my head. I love the relationship of her and Noah and am sure that in the end it will all work out for them, regardless of the past or their uncomfortable new circumstances. I found one typo - "Not that not that" typo in chapter two. I think you have really done a marvelous job with this, I can really see a YA audience loving this, unique, the right voice, setting, secondary players...Great! Solo

I wanted to let you know that I truly love Shelby - she is such a cool uncool MC. I was with her from the very beginning, her voice in my head. I love the relationship of her and Noah and am sure that in the end it will all work out for them, regardless of the past or their uncomfortable new circumstances. I found one typo - "Not that not that" typo in chapter two. I think you have really done a marvelous job with this, I can really see a YA audience loving this, unique, the right voice, setting, secondary players...Great! Solo

ooops pressed wrong button and backed you again Tina Marie
Hope it counts for you though!
Virginia
It Never Rains In Paradise
PS It's p*ssing down and thunder and lightning! Smile

Thanks for the mistake! It's much appreciated. I'll be sure to do the same for you just in case! As far as your comment about the thunder and lightning, That's hilarious!

You have the tone and concerns of teenagers down, I think. You have a solid style, although sometimes I think you go a little too far in terms of giving us your character's thoughts. Some of it gets a bit repetitive. From the first several paragraphs, I jotted down a few sentences that, in my opinion, could be cut altogether without sacrificing meaning and probably in service of a faster pace.

"Not anymore at least."
"She could remember it like it was just yesterday."
"She could hardly stand it."
"She knew that if she didn't act soon, she was going to miss her chance."

All of these are basically reiterations of what's already been said; the last one's meaning is implied with the information you've already given. In fact, the paragraph that contains that last one is very repetitive. What you're telling us there could be told in a couple of sentences.

A good story, good characters and solid writing. What this basically needs is a general tightening edit. Cut, cut, cut--everything that's not essential to the story. Now, if you're going for a style where we're sort of in her head, I get that. But I would still hold thaf if you make her too repetitive, readers will get annoyed with her. Good job though, great fit for YA, I think.
---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

Lovely pitch and a great coming of age story. It's also written in an easy to read accessible style that will work for your intendend audience. Backed. Tania, This Last Summer

Hello Tina. You have a great pitch, which is a draw for the reader straight away. I love the turmoil and the predicament Shelby and Noah find themselves in. You use good description and keep the story eventful. Best of luck with this! mariecapri (Cosmic Linx)

Oh my!!! What a story, I was glued to the screen just from your pitch!!!! I can tell this is going to do well!
Backed with Pleasure
Jade - Breaking Through x
(Feel free to have a look)

Universal teen themes and romantic complexities make this young adult book a good read. BACKED -Elizabeth Wolfe (Memories of Glory)

Your use of foreshadowing and teenage inner angst in the prologue is well done. Your story is finely crafted, well paced, well written and will appeal to the YA audience. Your use of imagery is excellent and your character development is superb, especially that of Shelby and Noah. Backed with pleasure.

Cheers,
Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Tina, there's nothing really in the prologue and first chapter to nitpick. You have done on a good job on both sections. This is smooth, entertaining work.

Backed with pleasure.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

This promises to be a situation full of possibilties:-))

I really like the plot and the writing is good. You have a flair for building tension that explodes off the page, and creating action that propels the story forward.
Great storytelling
Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

Hi Tina and how are you? I just want to say that what I have read so far of this work, I really liked. I like the way you write and the pitch drew me in. I want to back this with pleasure. I shall, indeed, be reading more.

Hope you get the chance to take a peek at mine.

Sincerly
Brendan Doherty
The Russian Hat

Great characterisations and a really promising story. I will read more when I have time. Backed with pleasure.
Jennie
Lies and Betrayal

Bookstore read Ch1.
Interesting premise and quite a gripping introductory chapter. Actually felt the need to read on.
I wold like to see a more international feel to the book, than an Americanised one, I think it looks more professional, but other than that, what I saw was good material.

Your opening chapter is absolutely charming! It is innocent and sweet and not at all overwritten. Young girls will literally squirm when they read it! I am already anxious about how Noah and Shelby fall to pieces. Well done.

Jil Koller - Beyond Deception

I love this premise! Only have time to read a bit but will def come back later for more. Very unique story and well told. Backed!

Your target audience will love this as much as I did, backed. E.Loaine Royal Blood Chronicles book one

I would say this was great fiction for a female YA audience. You combone a fluid, accessible style with an insightful, intelligent sentence structure to offer the reader a fully engaging romance. I read to chapter four and found nothing to nitpick. Subsequently, am delighted to back.
Carl
The time hunters

Well written from the very beginning. The pace is smooth and I was impressed with you style that is seldom seen here. Wish you the very best and backed with pleasure
andy and vesna
When Spirits Break Free

This sounded exactly like something I'd read and I wasn't disappointed - unless dying to know how it plays out counts!

It's very well written and you have created some wonderful characters in Shelby and Noah, I like their relationship, even their bad history. You've written a nice, modern love story that reads pleasantly. I definately would have bought this and probably read the whole thing in one sitting. Wonderful story

Missy
Mark of Eternity

Like what I read even though not my genre. But, this was original, with good characterizations. My wife would love it. Well written in a romantic voice. Backed.

I hope you will give mine a read and back it if you like it.
Best,
Robert
Golden Conspiracy

I really enjoyed what I got to read of this novel. It moves along at an even pace, and paints the perfect picture of teen angst. Immediately in Chpater 2 you're drawn to Shelby as an empathetic character, and want to cheer when she defends her friend, Jamie, to the snotty Allison. I just know she'll get more than a broken nose before it's over, lol!
Very well-written, a nice plot idea that is, to date, seldom used.
Write On!
D.C. Grace
The Sacred Oath

Hi Tina
A really enjoyable read- a classic love triangle but done in an original way. I, like others, love the way you've portrayed Shelby and Noah and enable the reader to empathise with them easily. Would love to know how this one works out.
DP Walker
Five Dares

Hi Tina, Clear writing that gives good expression to Shelby’s emotions without overdoing it. I think the age group would find this very readable. The junior high kiss made me wonder how Noah and Shelby could be at odds but the second chapter certainly rendered that. With the premise, I wish I could read today about the marriage of the parents and because of the handling of these characters. A well-crafted story that gives the reader ease and surprise. Easily shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

UNDESIRABLE CIRCUMSTANCES:

Tina,

What a clever premise! And you have crafted an absolutely first class plot for a chick-lit romance. A plot with a really strong backbone that you know will hold this story together through all its inevitable valleys and peaks and suspense.

I like the way you plunge us straight into the action. I felt immediately involved in the characters, and you have cleverly created both empathy and sympathy for Shelby.

You are clearly a born story teller, and I think this novel will do very well.

Backed, with much pleasure.

Sheila Mary Taylor (Pinpoint)