Mercy

You draw the reader right straight into the story and they are hooked. Brilliant and backed!

LIz
The Cheech Room

Lyssa,
Mercy has excellent descriptions throughout. It's a chilling story written with delicious detail. Backed.

Really enjoyed this. I was so into this story that when I looked at the time last night, it was already 2am. I really wanted to finish what you've written since I only got to chap 11, but I guess I'll just have to save it for another day. Definitely 100% backed.

Tracy

What a compelling story. You give us credible characters. Intense, evocative narrative. Powerful dialogue. Backed.

Hi

Amazing writing. Did you really experience this? It feels like you did. For one so young you have a great career ahead of you. I have read to chapter 4 and the writing is mesmorising. Very good character descriptions. Your MC has evoked my empathy from the start. Well done.
Backed.
A return read and comment would be appreciated.
cheers olga

Lyssa, your pitch is excellent and I'm putting this on my watch list.

I would advise you to get an original cover for your book to make it sand out from the crowd. Lots of book on this site have generic covers and you may be missing out on reads, becuse new readers think they've already seen it.

Powerful pitch and premise. I had to give this one a read. What a powerful opening chapter. I had some thoughts as I read. For one, I wondered what the significance was of Jeff being a pot-head. (who, by they way, usually love to buy food and eat!) He also sounded so skinny that I thought surely she could overpower him. A lot of people seem to have this stereotype in their minds, so it might be something you want to consider--breaking the stereotype in terms of what kind of person would do this. This was well written; I hope you don't mind me musings...they are just the thoughts I had while reading. I did get a good visual of what he looked like without feeling like you went into heavy description, so that I think is good.
Glad to give this a space on my shelf. Seems to be well polished.
xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

sorry its not very good it needs a lot of works
Gingernuts

You draw the reader right straight into the story and they are hooked. Brilliant and backed!

LIz
The Cheech Room

Hi there,
I liked the sound of your book from your pitch but before I could even get through the first chapter I found errors and overwriting. Which is such a shame when you have worked so hard to get this novel written.
Firstly I’m a bit confused, you write
- The gravel crunched under my feet as I walked over to my truck at a slow pace. My cold fingers (went) dug into the pocket of my outer jacket looking for my ever elusive truck keys.
Then the paragraph but one after that you say
- The gravel changed to concrete as I entered the parking lot. You say.. I walked over to my truck?… We thought you had already done that and were already at your truck. This is a lot of unnecessary writing and I think the word (went) is an error.
I think with a little editing you could have a god book. I would suggest you red it out loud to someone and that will help you edit more easily. I wish you lots of luck.

Wilma1
Knowing Liam Riley – I hope you can spare a moment to take a look

Lyssa,
Mercy has excellent descriptions throughout. It's a chilling story written with delicious detail. Backed.

Very good writing - well paced and realistic dialogue. I hope this makes it in the YA market! And if you get a chance, please take a look at The President's Wife is on Prozac ny Jayne Lind.

Backed Mercy. Excellent Writing. Hope Mercy isn’t actually you. On Chapter 4 and I’m still reading…Good Luck!
CC Brown
Dark Side

Really enjoyed this. I was so into this story that when I looked at the time last night, it was already 2am. I really wanted to finish what you've written since I only got to chap 11, but I guess I'll just have to save it for another day. Definitely 100% backed.

Tracy

What a compelling story. You give us credible characters. Intense, evocative narrative. Powerful dialogue. Backed.

Chapter two is very gripping
backed
Eveleen
(Turning a new leaf)

Dear Lyssa,
You have a fine writing style and really know how to get into the heart of a teenaged girl. I hope her experiences are fictional, not true to your real life! You have a fairly high rank - time to get a unique cover so that people will start noticing your book. You might ask Bradley Wind, an author on this site who will design a book cover for you for free. He did mine, and I'm very happy with it.

My story is also about a teenaged girl who is a bit younger than your MC but has a lot of the same feelings. I think you might identify with her.

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe (MEMORIES OF GLORY)

Here is your chance to get a double backing. My friend, homewriter, and I have similar taste in writing and trust each other's judgment. Back my book and leave it on your bookshelf. Then do the same for his, "The Harpist of Madrid." Once the backings register, he will give you a return backing guaranteed. Just let him know in an email that you've backed my book as well as his. You might have to be a bit patient as we're 6 time zones apart. But you'll have two backings guaranteed on your excellent book. Of course, comments are always welcome too!

Hi

Amazing writing. Did you really experience this? It feels like you did. For one so young you have a great career ahead of you. I have read to chapter 4 and the writing is mesmorising. Very good character descriptions. Your MC has evoked my empathy from the start. Well done.
Backed.
A return read and comment would be appreciated.
cheers olga

The writing is pretty good although it feels a little overwritten which makes the pace quite slow. Everything is described in depth and full of meaning, and it ended up feeling a bit too much imo. When you have her think about how lonely she is etc., it feels a bit over the top. better to let events tell us these things as we observe them for ourselves.

The dialogue felt a bit stilted. When Jeff says:'Enjoying the game, just as yourself' it sounded a bit odd.The interaction between them beforehe attacks her didn't really ring true. He was creepy and aggressive from the start so I couldn't see her giving him a lift.

Lots of potential and a polished script. Backed.

A chilling and well described first chapter. Great dialogue and descriptions, and a life forever changed. This is a great book.

I would have given the names of the teams playing football in your opening paragraphs, as that gives us more than a generic location. Other than that, superb. Backed!

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

A good start to what I think will be a cracking book. I like the desciption and the feeling one gets from the writing. I am going to back this as I feel it should make it on this site. Take a look at my book, Three Stayed Home a WW2 adventure and love story that is in need of help to get further. Will you help it? JohnJ

Horrible experience that is played very well without being sordid or exploitive. Your take on the charaters and their reaction to what happened is sensitive but real. very well done,

Your words give a vivid reality to this horrific experience. Strong writing. Backed.
Jenny

Considerable potential and I'm backing because of that.

A question - in the opening chapter Mercy makes a point of stressing the importance to her of her truck and, apparently, the bitter/sweet importance of her attendance at the game. Neither are clarified at the time. Will they be later and if not why do they feature so pointedly in the opening paragraphs?

J.S.Watts
A DARKER MOON

Simply wow. I can't really say much beyond what's already been said, other than this is a definite backing for me.

The opening sentence is arresting and the tone leading up to the rape heavy with foreboding. Your description of Jeff is convincingly repulsive.
We tell ourselves while reading that we wouldn't put ourselves in a position like Mercy but at the back of our mind we know we would. Believable, frightening and immensely readable. Backed. Lynn

What a heartbreaking scene was evident through chapter 5. You captured the essence of the emotions that a young teen would experience during such a horrific act and its aftermath. Backe your back because it definitely has a place to fill. I would appreciate you reading December Gold when the opportunity affords. Blessings on your future writing.
--Ron (author of December Gold)

Can't believe her water broke on the stand! Can't wait to find out what happens to Jeff. Good job!

Case (Revelation)

Wow, this really packs a punch.. in the gut. I found myself just clicking through, not wanting to stop reading. I love the dual meaning in her name and title of the book. Mercy is a very hard word to live out. Excellent writing, flawless structure, wonderful tale. You've got the complete package here. Great job! Backed.

Tawn Anderson (Providence)

Hi Lyssa
A great story - so emotional and powerful. It has lots of twists and turns as well, keeping the reader engaged. I still think you could add a bit more to the long pitch -you could still tell the reader more without giving too much away I think,
DP Walker
Five Dares

Dramatic start. You create immediate empathy for your MC, and the pace is terrific. Beware of an over-use of "had" - a mistake I make in my own writing. It might also be a good idea to change font, as Times Roman is not the easiest to read off screen. Backed with pleasure. Colin

I have got to chap 10 and wish I had time to read further. Mercy was so brave and then lost her nerve. How will she cope now that a baby could be the product of the rape. The fast moving chaps enhance the tale and make the reader want to progress at the pace you have set from the very beginning. I am going to cheat now and take a peek at the end because I can't wait to find out whether Jeff gets his comeuppance. Shelved, Anne

I have to agree...dialogue perfection! Great start! Backed!

Excellent natural dialogue, great unfolding of the story.
A zoomer
Going Out in Style

Hi Lyssa, This antithesis of Homecoming has much power in its telling. I liked how you referred to Mercy’s disillusionment with friends. She’s independent and knew the boy wasn’t anyone she wanted to be with. It’s well rendered, his use of brutality and humiliation, her going straight to the hospital. The writing actualizes the experience so that it had much impact. Well done! Easily shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Powerful writing about a difficult subject. You really captured the desperation and the devastation. She was so strong-willed before the rape, but she completely changed.

The biggest challenge for you is refining your pitch so you explain how this differs from other books on the same subject.

I'll back this.

Brian
Mute

Hi Lyssa,

I already backed the book but have returned to leave comment. I liked your premise and couldn’t wait to read on. What a powerful opening chapter. It was gripping and intense. Nice ending, it made me want to read on.

Well crafted characters and dialogue that felt natural. After reading four chapters, I know this will reach the ED.

Very well written. This is riveting and deserves to be published.

Shinzy :)

hullo Lyssa. You start your first chapter in good first person which brings more reality to the story. Very good. Already shelved and backed. Please don't forget to take a look at mine and thanks for that.
Linda Lou Long
Southern dis-Comfort
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=11421

This is a very, very taught and impressive start. Such engaging and brilliant characterisation brings strong emotional responses as a reader. Great use of narrative linked to the character in an brilliant storyline. This really is a very good read.

Hello Lyssa. This is exceptional writing. The emotional nightmare sets an intriguing story for Mercy. Totally page turning material from the off. It was a relief that the nurse was sympathetic to her when she entered the hospital. By even going there showed Mercy's strengths. Just one little thing: 1st chapter, 5th paragraph. Nighttime needs splitting or a hyphen. Best of luck with this and well done! mariecapri (Cosmic Linx)

Gripping read Lyssa!

MERCY:

Lyssa,

This is stunning writing. Your chapter one is an example of how a novel should start: straight into the action, with enough exposition and introspection to explain who the characters are and what the main character is thinking, and why. It's brilliantly done.

Your prose is immediate and vivid. Your first person narration takes the reader straight into Mercy's thoughts, and takes you every inch of the way through the horrific experience of rape.

The writing is compelling, with clear and flowing prose that carries the reader along at a breathtaking pace.

Only because I like your writing so much do I wish to mention two very small points: His green eyes peered (somehow) from beneath . . . You don't need somehow. This word just weakens the sentence. Try it without somehow and see how strong it becomes.
Twice in fairly close succession you use the speech tag - hissed. In both cases the tag is not necessary as it is clear who is speaking. But even if it were not clear, hiss is not a literary acceptable way of saying "said", and does not do justice to the rest of your beautiful writing.

This is a novel that will go far, and I have great pleasure in backing it and wishing you all the luck in finding a worthy publisher.

Sheila Mary Taylor (Pinpoint)

MERCY:

Lyssa,

This is stunning writing. Your chapter one is an example of how a novel should start: straight into the action, with enough exposition and introspection to explain who the characters are and what the main character is thinking. It's brilliantly done, and I couldn't stop reading it.

Your prose is immediate and vivid. Your first person narration takes the reader straight into Mercy's thoughts, and takes you every inch of the way through the horrific experience of rape.

The writing is compelling, with clear and flowing prose that carries us along at a breathtaking pa ce.

His green eyes peered (somehow) from beneath . . . You don't need somehow. This word just weakens the sentence. Try it without somehow and see how strong it becomes.
Twice you use the speech tag - he hissed. In both cases the tag is not necessary as it is clear who is speaking. but even if it were not clear, hiss is not a literary acceptable way of saying "said".

Mercy
Lyssa Springer

A searing first chapter - good sample of your writing. I like the plot - one night changing your MC's life forever - one person, one crime. Interesting to see the developments from there so I want to return to read chapter two onwards when I have some more time. Gripping ending to one - Jeff squeezing her throat until the world went black. You manage to create sympathy and anguish in the reader as this chapter progressed. Intriguing and I was happy to give it a spin on my shelf.
Best,
Zan

Hi, I backed this yesterday. The story is gripping, the description of the rapist's attacks very well done. I have a reservation about the mother's violence against the daughter. Was it motivated by jealousy or shame? The shame motive is actually more credible than one of jealousy, because a jealous mother who would beat a child has a personality disorder, or it just plain evil. You don't that feeling about the mother until the attack, and that's why it's hard to sort out the motives. You probably need to flesh out the mother's character a little more and drop more clues so that we can accept her reaction. Good luck with everything -- Marianne (Saint Paddy and the Sundial)

It's an easy read with a dramatic situation to draw readers in. I guess this will rise up well.
Rosalind
Good For Him

This is a brilliant book with a riveting and compelling story and a protagonist whose skin we get under straightaway. Mercy is a smart, likable girl, a loner, who suffers a dreadful experience which must make every woman shiver to think of it. All her instincts tell her not to give Jeff a lift, and she would have been better, with hindsight, to walk away from him and get help while there were still people around. But she has no close friends to turn to, and at last it seems easier just to give him the lift and get it over with. The rape is graphically described in a chilling and terrifying scene, whose impact is all the greater because of the closeness we feel to Mercy. The way Mercy is treated at the hospital seems almost worse in some ways, since these people are supposed to be trying to help her. The lack of sensitivity which finally pushed Mercy into walking out is beautifully portrayed. Your writing is first class. There is an immediacy in our relationship to your characters which is not always found. Your narrative is fluent and engrossing, your dialogue is realistic, and your descriptions are clear and convincing. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Hi Lyssa!

Gosh, this is really very good stuff here. I breezed through two chapters easily - it wasn't hard, given the tension and fear you've woven into this storyline. Mercy (great name by the way) is a great main character - instantly likeable from the get-go. Nothing to nit - I found no typos or anything that needs finessing. Reading on, but pausing briefly to back. Great job!

A great read. I felt as if I was living within the story.

A really interesting premise that promises much. Really strong, fluid writing.

Happily Shelved
Melxx
Impeding Justice

Really good, I'm a very visual person and I have to be able to visualize a story for it to be successful to me and you did that with such eas, great job, backed with pleasure. E.Loraine Royal Blood Chronicles book one

NOTE: There are a few inconsistencies in the new seconds I put up (sorry). They were part of the plot that I decided to ditch but haven't quite edited out in places - sorry again. :( If you catch them, just ignore them please - the story is totally unrelated to them.

Lyssa,

I thought your first chapter was very well written. It was so interesting, I read it in less than five minutes. VERY IMPRESSIVE! There's one thing I don't understand, though. Mercy doesn't seem like a dumb girl. If her instincts were screaming as soon as Jeff spoke to her, why did she let him in the car? That was strange. Maybe a little more background about this at first would have helped.

In any case, I'll be reading more.

Backed,
Lu-Lu :)

I think you are on your way to having a wondering story here. You've done well to bring your characters to life and to make this an engaging read. Remember the "less is more" in most cases.....that doesn't mean that your book can't be the size of War and Peace, but say what you want to say and say it simply.

Lockjaw

Lyssa, this is well written, wish you success, backed John Warren Lasting Images, take a look jw.

From the beginning, the story is gripping. It doesn't disappoint, either, as the end of what is posted is just as compelling. Very nice writing style, it creates loads of tension and interest. Well done! On my shelf.

Amy
Love Match