The Stone Dragon

A very intriguing story idea, to be sure. I like the tension between Glimmer's dream and waking worlds, and the idea of what will happen when they collide. Surely, this is magic! Great name--Glimmer, so evocative--aren't we all just a glimmer in the dream of life? I like the developing story but what I like the most about your writing is that I feel like I'm at a museum, wandering from one beautiful phrase to another. And often, I feel you're working on another level too. Some favorites:

"earth smells rich with the green magic of growing"
"soft shoulders of pasture to a slender river" --the fact that these are both words that invoke femininity
"a world dreamt through a raven's eye, a dream that shattered with a raucous caw."

I feel like I'm constantly advising people to tighten up their sentences, and I'm always hoping they don't think I'm just against longer sentences. Your final sentence here in Chapter 1 is proof that sentences can be whatever length they require, so long as they keep moving and know what they're doing. Brilliant work.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

The source that is not dreaming, sleeping, or waking . . . perhaps the salvation of us all. An interesting journey into the creation of reality from the source, enabled by a cup of cabbage tea.
'Tis a great day fer magic.
Beautiful latticework of images in Nature, and perhaps a lesson that the magic is in the sweat and the ordinary work of the hands. Backed. Marianne (Saint Paddy and the Sundial)

I cannot believe I haven't commented on this wonderful work. This is gripping, compelling and incredibly visual, a real feast for the senses. I enjoyed myself immensely, clicking through time and again. This is a book that belongs on a shelf or, more accurately, in a paying reader's hands. I want to be helpful and tell you how to improve, but there's nothing to recommend.

Backed with pleasure and best wishes,
Abi xxxx

Written with the curls and cadence of ancient runes. Also I see a great sense of humour: the cabbage song ... overall, a text to equal The Hobbit? I'm only 2 chapters in but I think so. Your scenery, the images of the dragon at the beginning, the apprentice Glimmer, the cabbage gnome, captivating, thoughtful, magical! Luke, The Kingdom Within

You know, I'm not even sure how Cabbage-pants came to me. Suddenly I was seven thousand words into the novel, and the rest of the story was clear. (I did add three chapters during one rewrite, though.) I remember vaguely that gnomes had a bad reputation in some circles: little ceramic figures with pointy hats for the garden, or Terry Brooks' ratpack gnomes. I wanted to try a different vision. I'm glad you like the book.

Thanks,
Tom
The Stone Dragon (fantasy)

You pitch is exciting, full of enthralling ideas. A dragon turned into the stones of the house - this is an original, imaginative idea. Glimmer is a normal, realistically drawn boy, whom we immediately like, in spite of his grumbling. The appearance of the 'garden gnome' (another brilliant idea - I laughed out loud, truly) is evidence that Glimmer has some magic, since he can see him. It becomes obvious to us, though not, as yet, to Glimmer, that the Mage is teaching him something. Glimmer doesn't understand the Mage when he speaks of, 'The magic that returned my book to me.' Glimmer tells him that all that happened was that he did a wrong thing, and was sorry. 'And you think this is not magic?' replies the Mage. But now, five years later, Glimmer has the book again, and feels no guilt because, it seems, he has now grown enough to have it by right. Glimmer is about to experience dream magic, and you have hooked us in firmly to read more. Your writing style is amazing, beautiful and full of the type of lyrical imagery which brings us right into your settings and makes them live. I could quote almost every line to illustrate this, but will limit myself to, 'peas primly trellised, cabbages like buried rings set with pale green gems of lapped leaves.' You also use this gift with words to build up excitement in the proper place. At the end of your first chapter, for instance, when you speak of the raven leaping into the sky unseen by Glimmer, 'black flight following his path like a second shadow,' you send shivers up our spines. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Now I really am not a reader of fantasy, but when I got to the gnome pulling up his nettles I had to smile. Your choice of imagery is most effective, your character name, Glimmer, is clever and your writing is gentle, as far as I've read anyway. You leave a little intrigue as the paragraphs pass and there is some mesmerising prose beautifully written.
I enjoyed what I read and so this is starred and on my shelf. Margaret.

A dreamy start to chapter one - flying dreams are my very favourite. And I enjoyed the interpretation of the gnomes, who don't get a fair crack of the whip in literature. There was something very hard to define about the opening, something phantasmagorical that made me want to read on. Excellent work, and I will now think about cabbage trousers for the rest of the day!

Great stuff

Pat Black
Snarl

This starts out with a magnetic pull - now I know what it feels like to ride a fire breathing dragon! - and the pace didn't let up - Glimmer is a solidly drawn character and likeable.. there is a lovely sense of moving forward, of always seeking out the truth behind the dream world - Backed!
Diane
Good Blood

I really liked the idea of the book test, and how it proved not only the person's character, but their interest.
I also liked the gnome insiting he had a glimmer of magic, because he could see the gnome.
Some nitpicks:
I might deal more with his doubt that seeing the gnome means something, or have him think it is something so small as to be inconsequential.
“Daub the window casements to keep out summer hornets and winter winds.” (fragment)
“It was almost ready to fall out, if not for the chocks, so much mortar had sifted away with the seasons.” ….. because so much mortar had sifted away?

Tom,

This is a great beginning to your story! Your clever prose guides the reader very well between the worlds you've created, and I'm curious to see where you take this.

Nice work! Backed! Looking forward to your thoughts on Head Games!

Kevin Alex Baker
Head Games

Clever premise. This is a well written fantasy story. Very believable characters and vivid scenes. Convincing dialogue. Backed.

Where there's a gleam there's gold - indeed. I thought the idea of starting your story with a young man feeling down on himself and a beardless gnome was a great tactic. It reads easy and promises to be filled with surprizes and gentle humour. Good luck with it.

see you at the ED.

Sincerely,

Will

P.S. I almost forgot to thank you for your backing and your generous kind comments. WBN

Hello Tom,
Stone Dragon is great reading. I love Glimmer and the way the old gnome talks. The storyline and writing is truly magical. Backed. Others have commented much better than I could.
All the best
Kirk

You really don't need to repeat your short pitch in the longer pitch, especially since they are so close together.

This is an intriguing concept and the writing is good. I thought I had back this before, but will do so again. Have you read FLESH AND FIRE? There is a stone dragon in that one and the magic is in the wine. Good series and you will find the writing good.

JMC

I didn’t understand the pitch at all. I read it twice and still had no insight into what I was going to read but once actually in the book I settled in nicely. Glimmer is a sound character but the gnome is really something special. The passage where you introduce him is most entertaining. He is instantly a most interesting character from the very start of his description to his dialogue. I’m the first to admit fantasy is not my chosen genre but this one had me hooked, nice work.
Wilma1
Knowing Liam Riley – I hope you have time to take a look

What a great story!

Dreams, and ways to control them, have fascinated humans for centuries. Many psychologists have based their theories on dream interpretation, and Shamans/Magicians often find their wisdom, or strength, or resolution to problems in the "dream world".

You have beautifully crafted the tale - it is both fascinating and entertaining, showing your superb writing skills.

Backed with pleasure!

Johanna Kern
Master and the Green-Eyed Hope

Hi Tom,
I already backed your book book The stone Dragon, but have returned to leave comment. This is most assuredly great writing. Very Poetic at times. The story shows what a wonderful imagination you have. Glimmer is a very believable but real character, with flaws that make it easy for readers to relate and connect with. He is also admirable, a character that many will root for. I have also checked out your poetry on the website Garret Room. I definitely like the Magnolia Poem better.
Best of luck
njoy *moods and expressions*

Hi Tom

I really like this. Your spellbinding introduction to the apprentice Glimmer reminds me a little of one of my favourite fantasy epics of all time - Ursula Le Guin's wonderful Earthsea series featuring the iconic wizard Ged.

Good luck and all the best

Robin
The Way Through the Woods

We placed The Stone Dragon on our watchlist a few days ago and are just now finding time to read and comment. Magic, magician's apprentice, and a dargon coming to life... all the things fantacy junkies love. Something we learned while writing our book Dark Side: Use italics instead of underlining character's thoughts, and the thesaurus is your best friend. Hope you will upload more chapters.
CC Brown

Hi Tom, how's it going rune brother? Luke Bramley.

I can only agree with what has already been said-excellent, !magic!

A lovely, magical opening. Scene setting, characterisation and dialogue (for the most part) are extremely well done. The descriptions are evocative, conjuring up an instant picture in the reader's mind: ...then a burning length of serpentine neck and a triangular head... ...as the young man shifted his awareness from the dragon of his dreaming to the raven... ...cabbages like buried rings set with pale green gems of lapped leaves... are just a few examples.

Nitpicks.
There is a tendency towards repetition. The (raven) circled... The (raven) flew full circle... The young man stared at the obsidian eye of the (raven), the (raven's) head cocked... By this time the reader knows the species, so perhaps replace 'raven' with 'bird' occasionally.
...the summer light falling warm upon... a vegetable (garden). The (garden) space was contained... The (garden) lay green upon the soil... Beyond the (garden)... You've established that there's a garden, so perhaps restructure some of these sentences so you don't have to keep using that particular word over and over.
A smile broke (Glimmer's) thoughts. (Glimmer's) ... apprentice magician. (Glimmer) abruptly wiping his cheek... By now we know who he is, so it's not necessary to keep using his name in close proximity, 'he' or 'him' will suffice.
Wordiness.
Glimmer's grumbles and sighs... or (the young man's) empty stomach. It sounds as if you're talking about two separate people here. Suggest you replace 'the young man's' with: his empty stomach.
Internal dialogue.
An apprentice of nothing, that's what I am (Glimmer thought...) Internal dialogue is normally italicised to distinguish it from external dialogue. If you do that with the above, you won't need the bracketed words. This also applies when you're emphasising something. No nettles can hurt me. I can't underline the 'me' on here, as you did in your text, but it looks odd. I suggest you use italics for the underlined words.

That said, this chapter is very well written on the whole, classic fantasy at its best. I wish you luck with it. Backed.

Dream magic is the most diffficult magic to controll especially if it does come in the shape of a fully grown dragon. Young magicians apprentice Glimmer wonders why his master does'nt teach him magic, but the boy has a special ability, he can dream up dragons. Great story and the first few paragraphs had a real poetical intensity that held my absolute attention. A real winner for tha young adult market so for that reason it has my backing.
Daniel Manning
No Compatibility.

Great name for your main character: Glimmer. I like the garden gnome too, of course. What I think is done so well in what you've posted here is paint a picture of the characters and the world in which they live.

I'm looking forward to seeing my chapters.

Backed.

El
Reckless Scarlett

You have created a well crafted story that is interesting. Sometimes you seem to be too descriptive which is slightly offputting for the reader but your characters and storyline are well developed. The first chapter you have managed to make something mundane into something of iinterest. Backed. Could yo have a look at my manuscript The Sacred Pool.

Laurence

Tom Kepler:


Your writing is superb. Although this is not my genre, I am able to appreciate the mastery of your prose, your descriptions, your way with word. Not many on the site of this caliber. You have a wonderful cliff hanger at the end of chapter 1. Happily backed.

Ida L. (Silent Storm)

Added your book to my Watch List. Wil read and comment later.
CC Brown

This is very enjoyable. I love the extended metaphor of gardening woven throughout the chapters on display. Early on there were touches of Tolkien but these were quickly leavened with shades of le Guin's Earthsea. I also found a harking back to folk traditions ('sour the soil with iron'; I think if we met we'd have a lot to talk about but that's an aside). I liked the gnome's matter of factness after Glimmer's flights of fancy "though y'might like some tea," (note below on fancy). I really, really liked your playing with the duality of perception/reality at end ch3. Suddenly dreams become real (again, we'd have a lot to talk about..). You have very interesting ideas about magic (dreaming and gathering so far). Gimmer's dream magic is a fabulous (in both senses) concept to drive plot on. And the dragon itself so seductive... I would read more if I could.

Best wishes, Harriet

Minor critisms: your prose could do with a bit of weeding, particularly in ch1, less of a problem in ch2. Are all those adjectives really necessary? I see that you are aiming for a contrast in style in the dragon-dreams but if was a bit overblown for my taste. But taste, of course, is personal and it's your story so you get to choose how you tell it! I did find the first part of ch4 an anticlimax after the fantastic end to ch3. It perks up quite quickly but the flashback, tho' useful background, was a bit too much information in too short a space, diverting attention from the main story. I also think you tend to repeat Glimmer's name a great deal. Once you've established he's the subject then 'he' will do - see what I mean?

Really nitpicking point (but one close to my heart as I ended up writing a lot of ballad verses for my book): the ballad form follows fairly strict rules (1st and 3rd lines may rhyme but 2nd & 4th must; 1st and 3rd lines are iambic tetramers (ie 8 syllables) 2nd & 4th iambic trimeters (ie 6 syllables). These rules are often broken or varied of course but not as often as in your opening stanzas. If you're interested in following this up, I heartily recommend 'The Oxford Book of Ballads' ed. Arthur Quiller-Couch (full text available on line); Oscar Wilde is also good of course.

Tom,

Clever pitches. A couple of nits:

The word “magics” in your short pitch reads a little awkwardly. How about: Dream magic is the most dangerous form of magic because it is so difficult to control.

There’s no need to repeat your short pitch in your full pitch.

As far as your chapters are concerned, the writing is quite good, although I found the chapter headings and the philosophical musings and quotes at the beginning of the chapters a bit distracting. Chapter headings work much better for non-fiction than they do for fiction. A work of fiction should just tell the story chapter by chapter.

As a long time writer and a student of the craft, I’d suggest you try to eliminate as many colons and semi-colons as you can. These forms of punctuation are not as much in favor these days as they were, say, ten years ago. Many of today’s younger agents and editor consider colons and semi-colons to be distracting, and they slow the reading process.

My only other nit is the sentence in your first chapter that reads:

The daydream paled in the glare of the sun, and the young man turned back to his work with a shrug of his shoulders. (An agent once told me that a shrug always involves the shoulders, so there’s no need to ever write a shrug of the shoulders.)

Overall, you’ve crafted an intriguing tale, and I’m happy to back you.

Rodney

Tom, I find your book an original and interesting read, so I've backed it.
Backed, Ann Mynard (Windshadow)

Tom, I like the way you describe the garden in which Glimmer, the 'mismatched apprentice' is struggling. It grounds the story so that what follows has a rich and believable surround. This is well conveyed and worth reading - so I'll carry on! Best of Luck!
Backed,
Ann Mynard (Windshadow)

Not really my cup o' cabbage-juice but, subjectivity aside, a very taut read. Did you work on each sentence individually to craft them in this fashion or did it just flow? Feels like it flowed which is quite a feat given the tightness.

Only the first chapter read, it sets the scene nicely only perhaps I'd suggest bringing out Glimmer's background through passing interaction with his master-mage (sorry if I got that wrong, never was good with jargon) rather than telling us about it. That would bring the double-benefit of quickening the pace and introducing what is probably to be another and important character.

Really enjoyed this work. We're dropped directly into story with just the right amount of description and dialogue. Happy to back
Keith
Unit T Special Forces

I Love how you describe!
I feel like i'm there in the story.
Beautiful cover page

Dawn
My Friends and Me

Tom,
What an intriguing beginning to what promises to be an excellent fantasy novel. The dream magic is an intriguing concept, and the encounter with the garden gnome was well done. I'm happy to back this.

Oooo I loved this, already one of my favourites! Your writing is impeccable, and your voice unique. this should go far. It's quite a challenge to put humour into a story, as well as fantasy, intrigue etc etc... but it shows the writer's talent when he can encompass all of these elements.

Bravo!

Backed.

Jodi.
x-Evaelsco-x

The richness and proliferation of images that are so tactile and sensual is almost overwhelming...I wasn't quite sure where the dream ends and reality begins! This is certainly one of the more convincing examples of this popular genre...well done...backed for now
Stewart

Fascinating and intriguing, backed with pleasure.

I am enchanted! This is remarkable, magical writing, beautifully done. A wonderful job!
Backed with pleasure. Jedward (Knut)

I think this is gorgeously written, I especially like the little rhyme in the beginning of the story, it feels very natural, like it belongs in the world of your book. Some people struggle with this type of language, but it seems to come naturally to you. You have to be careful to not let the beauty of the language take away from the main thing - your plot, and right now it seems like your language is fighting to be center-stage. Backed with pleasure.

E.

I liked Glimmer as our hero. You set up the kid who feels outof his depth and doesn't really know what he's doing very well. The test with the book was well done and original, and the whole feel of magic (sorry, magick) in this world has a fully conceived feel to it. An accomplished bit of writing. Backed.

Tom,

Great pitch; the premise sounds nice (though you wasted words doubling the small with the long pitch -- rework that to maximize your space!).

Your language is pretty purple and needs some polish. I can see that you are a poet; it comes through in your prose but you have to be careful to stay inside the lines set by the rules of language. You tend to stray, which is fine in poetry but with longer works it serves mostly to make things difficult for your reader.

Overall, you're chosen a poetic and dramatic style. This style is also very ambitious. As a result, more than others, this style requires absolutely meticulous attention to detail. You cannot afford to be sloppy or careless because it is already, by its nature, a bit loosy-goosy. You need to pair the wild imagery and bold metaphors with absolute precision in structure and form.

A couple of specific comments:

A lot of unnecessary commas. Go through and make sure that the commas you're using are necessary -- MANY of them are not.

Some of your words are in the wrong form.

Here's an example is the transition between the dream and the real worlds (incredibly important!) to illustrate the general point i'm trying to make about the whole work: "The raven circled as the young man shifted his awareness from the dragon of his dreaming to the raven in the sky."

you use the word raven twice . . . can you find a way to mix it up? Also, "dreaming" is the wrong form. 'the dragon in his daydream' or 'the dream dragon in his mind' or 'the dragon of his dream' will work, too. But "dragon of his dreaming" is clumsy.

Keep polishing! Keep re-working. Don't be satisfied with what you already have, don't fall in love with what you've already put down. cut whole sections out, re-write pieces from scratch to make sure you get what you are aiming for. You've got the talent and what sounds like a great idea but you've set a big challenge in front of yourself; now you have to rise to meet it.

I hope that helps. Best of luck! I look forward to hearing your critique of my work. Please, be honest and ruthless; I want to improve!

Cheers!

Dustin (Dreamland)

Beautifully told, poetic and magic story. Congratulations!
The premise is most intriguing "Two magicks exist: the magick of Being and the magic of Contriving."
It will be great to know what happens next. I will keep an eye on your new chapters and I'll try to do the same as you do: 'I shall sift the sky for the souls of stars'.
Very best wishes to you,
M

- Weekend Chimney Sweep
- Sarajevo Walls of Fate

Dear Tom,

I thought I have commented on your book since I've backed it, but apparently I haven't, my apologies! I like the world you've created, perfectly described with your brilliant writing. Glimmer is a very believable and real character, with flaws here and there that makes it easy for readers to relate and connect with. He is also admirable, a character that many will root for. All in all, people will be drawn into this by your writing alone, and I'm sure those who didn't like this kind of story will think twice before passing this up. Backed.

A very intriguing story idea, to be sure. I like the tension between Glimmer's dream and waking worlds, and the idea of what will happen when they collide. Surely, this is magic! Great name--Glimmer, so evocative--aren't we all just a glimmer in the dream of life? I like the developing story but what I like the most about your writing is that I feel like I'm at a museum, wandering from one beautiful phrase to another. And often, I feel you're working on another level too. Some favorites:

"earth smells rich with the green magic of growing"
"soft shoulders of pasture to a slender river" --the fact that these are both words that invoke femininity
"a world dreamt through a raven's eye, a dream that shattered with a raucous caw."

I feel like I'm constantly advising people to tighten up their sentences, and I'm always hoping they don't think I'm just against longer sentences. Your final sentence here in Chapter 1 is proof that sentences can be whatever length they require, so long as they keep moving and know what they're doing. Brilliant work.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

Dear Tom,

Thanks for backing my book! I like the flights of imagination within The Stone Dragon and the vivid writing style. Have backed!

Thanks again,
Chelsea

Firstly Tom I love the cover, and being a non-fiction writer found your book so far captivating, with your use of words creative and magical. I feel I know the place, the people and good read. I also appreciate the colors you paint with your words and phrases. Could you please read some of mine and give honest feedback thank you. BACKED with pleasure

With poetic prose and rich, vibrant imagery, this is an impressive read. Poor Glimmer is easy to relate to, with his strong desire to be something special and the everyday toil which each of us would rather leave behind for 'more important' things. The story promises much adventure, for how indeed does one control a dragon of all things, especially one which is a dream? Backed with pleasure, and I look hopefully forward to seeing this in print so I can read the rest of it!

Certainly the atmosphere created is magical, and I like the idea of a mismatched apprentice. The tone was carried well into the third chapter. Backed
Rosalind
Good for Him
Making It

This is fantastic imagination and masterful narration. Glimmer alone can keep the reader entertained as he is unique. His frustration at the lack of magic in the start will gain the reader's sympathy immediately. The plot is highly original and so refreshing. 'where there's glimmer, there's gold' is just one example of your bewitching writing style.
Backed earlier and I'm glad to read on.
Rakhi (Sir William...)

I loved it, good luck with it. E.Loraine Royal Blood Chronicles book one

Tom,

I love your narrative. I haven't been on very long, but of the books I have been reading, this IS my favorite! I really like descriptive manner. You start small, with one major character and go from there. Glimmer is honest but imperfect, he has somewhere to go. Every action is made important and there is "sleeping energy" waiting to awaken. I'm only through chapter 2, but I will be following The Stone Dragon further. Please consider putting up some more chapters when you can. Awesome job!
Shelf time!
John Payne
Apostles of Sera

An unusual voice for a YA novel. Very poetic and really rather lovely. I did worry that you overwrote slightly in the first few paragraphs and the repetition of 'flaming' so close together snagged at me. But it swiftly settled and I relaxed into an unusual and highly imaginative read.
Yup, I like it a lot actually - and it gets my wholehearted backing.

Tom
From the opening paragraphs onwards, mystery permeates the storyline. This will make an absorbing read for your target audience. Backed.
Best wishes
William (The Caves of Caerdraig)

This is a hugely imaginative work of fantasy. I've never really read a character like Glimmer before and his unique way of thinking, speaking and looking a the world. I'm never keen on underlining as you do in chapter 3 and would always use italics to make a point. Even then I would keep them to a minumum. Anyway, this is a challenging and well plotted read and I wish you all the best with it.
Carl
The Time hunters