Avondale Woman

This is your typo report! The first your should be you're. It should also be ... Like when she WAS a little girl... And LET'S give her...
The punctuation needs a lot of work, I'm afraid...

This has potential, but it needs some work. I couldn't get very far because of the lack of punctuation and the passive writing. A few pointers. Shouting is not depicted in fiction by using all capital letters. It shoud be shown through the emotion and actions of your characters. There is also a lot of passive writing: was looking, was shouting. Try it with simply: looked, shouted. And you did tend to overuse the word look--way too many repetitions in just a few pages.

Best wishes with this.
Debra

This is good, I thought I knew this, and then it came to me (bit slow at times Mmm).
Stacey’s character is even better then before and the dialogue so congruent. This is very good (and it’s taught me to read more upfront before I start). – Good luck.

Hi Julie, I really enjoyed what I read but I did find I had to keep stopping because of lack of punctuation. It's well worth editing.
Backed with pleasure, Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

Welcome aboard, Julie. This website will improve your writing craft, if you allow it. The short pitch would work better if you dropped the last four words. The long pitch works well. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Dear Julie, I love your pemise & setting - Stacie did good to stand up for what she felt :) - if you'll see in my memoir, a lot of the time, I didn't. You did well in preparing me to read your book by your recap/pitch before your story began. It is a good read because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "reading/commenting/backing" your book to help it move up on the charts (sending a message doesn't move your book up, but only "comment/backing"). Could you please return the favor by taking a moment to "comment/back" my 2 memoir books to help them move up? "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & the unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which at the end of the last chapter tells my illness now & my 6th abusive marriage I'm in. Thanks. :) Love, Susie :)

chapter one, first line, "you're safe," not "your safe."

AVONDALE WOMAN
This is a good story. I was a little confused in the beginning as to what was happening, but I kept reading because your dialogue and style are both so good – although you might think about adding a little more background up front to orient your reader better. Once I was “into” the story, it didn’t matter. This is a good read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

The story keeps the reader interested, well done.

A few things I noticed that perhaps need a bit of a tweak: the long pitch is a bit choppy. It doesn't flow well from one sentence to the next. Also, there seems to be punctuation issues, namely a lack of commas. Also, I noticed at least one word usage mistake: the use of "your" instead of "you're." If it were me, I would have someone with fresh eyes proofread it, correct the mistakes and upload it again.

Best wishes,

Amy
Love Match

Good stuff, very enjoyable.

Watch out for very long paragraphs though, and try and keep the 'hads' down a little :-)

John