Lust & Hunger

You have really brought the tired Vampire story back to life (pardon the pun). This is a genre that has been done to death, but your unique style is refreshing and exciting. Very impressive writing. This is a genre I never read but I could easily have read all you have posted if I had more time.
Best of luck with this,
Janny

Hi,

First off, I have to say that I never read this genre. But you've done a good job. You set the stage for something to happen, and keep us wondering, and you do an excellent job of building tension.. One thing...please do go back and edit. A couple of errors "hight" school, I "sighted." It may not seem like much, but these things slow the reader down and take one out of the story. I've starred the book, and hope you'll take the time to have a look at Animal Cracker.
Best,
Andi

Harley,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The first thing that jumps here is the style. Here we have cosmic Lizzy throwing opinions confetti like, as she goes around interacting with the world.

The....I think this....I think that....I do this....I do that

That imitate Rap and was first made popular as a literary device by F Wallace/Eggers/Safran

........and she does.....

.......an complex emotional map.....

....... filled with dissonance.....

...... and anomie....

....... begins to manifest itself

And so to keep that dissonance/anomie going, the idiosyncratic opinions of your characters are as important as the stream of consciousness was for Proust.

.....ergo the need to keep throwing the confetti around

......for we read this kind of narrative not only for the plot....

....but for the idiosyncratic world view the characters spouse

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

I think the confetti could use some polishing, for what makes it interesting is the originality of the opinions.
By that what I mean is how far you push the envelope.

One way to do this, is to stretch the metaphors until they instead of creating an objective correlative, to use Elliot's terminology,

.....begin to evoke

i.e. "there was an odd silence"
instead: "the silence odd enough to crisp the beggar's hair down the street"

why?

cause you want you characters loony ness to be in front view.
The more you stretch the metaphor, the more idiosyncratic they will appear.

Let me know if that helps

Overall, wonderful

David

Brilliantly written vampire story, to be backed and recommended. A few typos still, which I'll put in a separate message. Marj.

An excellent prologue and first chapter. The scenes with Lizzy was well done, her being fooled into believing the Katherine was being just friendly, someone harmless because she was female. I found her internal monolgue amusing, her concern over being hit on by females. You also use natural dialogue, and I like the fact that they couldn't hear each other properly because of the booming music. One, it was realistic, and two, it got them out of the club. Silly girl for going down the alleyway, but then again she wouldn't have been concerned because she was with a female. Her mistake. I like vampire stories, Buffy being my favourite series, so your book is something that interests me. However, for me to want to read on it has to be well written and "Lust and Hunger" is that.

I had time to continue onto chapter 1, and also enjoyed this. I especially liked Eros. I liked his description and the way he looked/studied everything. He's the quintessential vampire, attractive and mysterious. He sort of reminds me of Brad Pitt in "An Interview with a Vampire." Hans is a good character too, his fright and running making this a tense chapter, fast-paced and interesting.

All up a good start. -Marita.

I think you have selected this theme as a special treat. Of course, it is indeed a special treat as far as a reader is concerned, because your style is increasing anxiety and curiosity of reader to know what is to going to happen next. This is a rare prodigy, you have it.

Joy J. Kaimaparamban
The Wildlife

Lust and Hunger

Dear Harley,

Your pitch is enticing. I have put your book on my WL and will comments once it gets to me shelf.
a zoomer

You are totally fantastic, Harley!! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my memoirs/testimony book? :) God bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I just looked to see if I had ******-ed your book & it is ******-rated (6 gold ******'s) :) Every ****** -ing & backing more than 24 hours moves our books up authonomy's lists. :) I want to ask you if you could please keep my book on your bookshelf because I'm 4 on the editor's desk & have to be in the top 5 to be chosen, the end of January :) - I had a mini-stroke Nov. 10 with slurred speech for an hour & numbness of tongue still & over 24 smaller ones where I couldn't speak since & I"d sure like to cross the finish line of the editor's desk after 10 months trying on authonomy. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me :) - I have lost 3 sisters to strokes & my last sister, Mary had 2 heart attacks this past year.

Hi Harley! I've read your first chapter. BACKED! :-p Seriously though, nice tension building. I particularly like the reoccurrence of 'boom boom boom' etc, it's a catchy touch. I know this is a 'pot calling the kettle black' thing, but you use the word fuck a lot - perhaps you could find other expressions in places to convey the 'oh, fuck!' emotion? Also, you really need to do a line-by-line edit; you've got some typos and awkward/errors in linguistic expression. You've got a real knack for creating an image with your writing - at the risk of sounding cliche, I was actually THERE. In the alleyway, Katherine was behind me with her tongue sliding across and her teeth sinking into my neck. Also, you leave a lot of questions unanswered (this is a good thing - I believe Ray calls it 'foreshadowing'!) that leave me going 'Hmm...what's the relevance of this? It appears to be a theme, so I guess I'll keep reading to find out!' However, after having had tongues and teeth across my neck, I think I'll go have a shower now - followed by some appraisal of other people's first chapters. Keepgoingkeepgoingkeepgoing. If you don't, I will find out!

Harley, your prologue is a gripping read. You have a knack for building up suspense. Nothing to fault there.

Backed with pleasure.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

WOW!
I really enjoyed reading "Lust & Hunger!!"
The overall writing was superb, and the erotic scenes were descriptive in a mild way. Also, the emotions were expressed with amazing ability. Can't wait to read more!

I have to admit that horror and vampires are not my cup of tea. But I find your pitch compelling. I would break it into paragraphs for an easier read. Your cover art is quite good, too! BACKED -Elizabeth Wolfe (Memories of Glory)

Very much like how you have grounded this using sensory-based descriptions, it makes it feel very real. This has a different feel about it to most of the other vampire stories I read; there is a sense of depth. Good intelligent and well though out storyline – great read! - Backed

Your pitch could do with breaking down a bit its hard to read and would be better with a littlle white space running through it. I noticed a few typos on the first page -Hight school insted of High School and the man smashed his first on the bar - presumably fist. You have an interesting premise and I think with a little tidying up this could do well I wish you luck with it.
Sue Mackender
Knowing Liam Riley

Hi, Harley -

Interesting premise - zombie romance.

The only real problem I have is with your pitch. That single long paragraph is just too much
to ask a reader to wade through.

Try breaking it into three parapgraps.

Backed.

And I'd love it if you could take a look at my book.

Best of luck here.

-Jeff Lee
THE LADIES TEMPERANCE CLUB'S FAREWELL TOUR

Hi, had a chance to look at this and I am intrigued by the premise. The only hesitation I had was that I didn't feel like i was in the club. It was there but just out of reach. I was looking for more description...I guess... I am not really sure what it is and I could be completely crazy/. I did overall enjoy this and wish you every success. - Backed

Amy R

Dead Air / Trust Me

Hi Harley, The scenes are well-laid here, especially with the alleyway becoming the threshold of the goth encounters. Lizzy and Hans being drawn to the morbid confrontations lured me on too. The writing gives expression to the character fears. The story intrigues! Shelved – Katherine

Chapter 5

This is beautifully written and a joy to read.. The discussion with the other vampire is good and realistic. I grinned when I read about the boy with pink hair. Happy to back

Anthony
Aqua Omega

Love the cover and by the first line thought we were going into zombie territory. Zombies in amsey street, great, although some would say they are therealready but of course we are in vampire, serial killer territory. I have to say I had to read the pitch a couple of times to get the various characters focused in my head. The similarity to Eric and Eros threw me abit. But what we have is a defined set of characters each with weaknesses and a desire for something more from life, believe me I've been in Julianna's position too many times but wised up. Beautifully written, I was right there in the story, backed with vivd imagery and very atmospheric. I love the universal theme that everyone is searching for something more than life has dealt them even the undead. i always find it interesting when all the separate elements are put in plce and see how they are all brought together by the drama. i can't praise this enough, great.

Harley, I found your writing style impressive. The writing is excellent and the descriptions—stylish. The characters are compelling and there was something special about the pace, it drew me in by supporting the setting and atmosphere--keeping the pace on point. I wish you the best
I loved it.
Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

Hi Harley, yes, okay, it needs an edit. But it's darned good stuff.
Backed with pleasure, Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

Entertaining and lively
But what´s a Goth wannabe?
Shelved with best wishes
mikegilli The Free

Few typos and some repeating words to be cleaned up, but your there with the story and the characters. Well thought out.

Backed

Your character is fun to read. She has a great voice and a gritty appeal. Excellent dialogue and the writing is straightforward and errorproof. A pleasure to back. This will do well here.
xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

Lust and Hunger

[R11 *message]

I liked the idea of this and so thought I’d give it a spin. The prologue is good, nice focus on Lizzie worried about being bothered by lesbians in the Haunt. Then the suspicion that Katherine really is a lesbian only to find she’s a vampire. Good description of the club, very realistic. Nice going. Although I was kind of hoping it would be Eric…

Chapter one was also a surprise. A character I wasn’t expecting from the pitch, A reporter wanting to write the story of Lizzie’s murder. Nice angle. Another chase down darkened alleys. But he meets Eros. Great hook. And great prose: “Then Eros’ head slowly turned to him from its pondering of the tea. The movement seemed painfully unnatural in its lassitude, yet somehow not awkward on this other worldly stranger”—brilliant! And then, and then chapter two! Now that was what I had hoped for! Sex when you can also read the other’s mind! Now that’s a trip! This is a fantastic book. Your prose is amazing and you have some great characters. (one or two typos, and it could still do with another polish)

I’m backing this with pleasure and if you can find the time to take a look at Bokassa’s Last Apostle in return, I’d be extremely grateful. Thanks.

Easy to follow writing style.
Story is unique to me.
Backed.
A zoomer
Going Out In style

You've got such a great writing style, it makes this vampire book really stand out. Your work really shows how much effort you put into it and it made it such a pleasure to read. Dark, gripping, and so engaging, I think you will do good with this, not just here but in the much more important real world! Thanks for a vampire book that stands out as different and unique!

Missy
Mark of Eternity

Love your style, perky and captive, and you have a great story. This is sure to cllimb
best
backed

Very original and well crafted so far! You surely have talent! BACKED with pleasure.
Liz
The Cheech Room

I agree with the others and back it for potential. E.Loraine Royal Blood chronicles book one

A bit different, well written and quite compelling in parts.

Backed,

Lisa

ok, Harlet, you have a pretty serviceable voice here, and for the most part it flows well. I will support this and wish you the best of luck. If you're interested in feedabck I would suggest that you edit a bit to make it flow as well as possible, and leave out some of the uneeded details--On the whole though, I did enjoy this read, as it was interesting, and kept me reading. Well done. PLease read some of my book when you have time and let me know what you think. Feedback is welcome. Take care and goodluck with your manucript.


blueboy

(The Age of Rhinestone)

A grippping read, not usually my genre because they all appear to be the same but somehow you have manged to set this novel apart from those around you.
Needs a little editing here and there, you have even thought there was no pain, it should be though!
A simple read through and you should spot the others.
You have a good story here though and for that reason I'm going to pop you on my shelf.

Melxx
Impeding Justice

brilliant horror story, original and well set out...on my watchlist...
su dan [read Seasons]

A well written take on a popular them with enough original touches to make it very readable.
in your long pitch I would separate each perso named in a different paragraph - makes it easier to read and gives each more emphasis. Just a thought. Jim Darcy The Firelord's Crown
ps good cover, definitely catches the eye (ha ha).

This is a strong start. You've got a new take on that same-old vampire story, and you've made it fresh..
Backed with pleasure.
Abi xxx
Relic

this is good, i have read an awful lot of vampire books on this site but i have to say none of them have gripped me like has, the start is just great, well done, i will be back for more, backed

alison

This is an imaginative story. Lots of good characters. Equally good settings. Makes it a good read. I'm adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Dear Harley, I love that you have an interlude to tie everything together. :) Vampires, I think come every night & suck my blood out because I'm too weak to get up in the morning - actually I have lupus which causes the fatigue. You did well in preparing me to read your book by your recap/pitch & prologue before your story began. It is a good read because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "reading"/"commenting"/"backing" your book to help it move up on the charts (sending a message doesn't move your book up, but only "comment"/"backing"). Could you please return the favor by taking a moment to "comment"/"back" my 2 memoir books to help them move up? "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & the unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which at the end of the last chapter tells my illness now & my 6th abusive marriage I'm in. Thanks. :) Love, Susie :)

I always admire anyone who can handle dialogue as efficiently as you do. The reader becomes part of the conversation and is thus drawn into the book. You should do very well on here, well done. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

Welcome aboard, Harley. This website will improve your writing craft, if you allow it. I'll be your first comment. I can go with the short pitch. With the long pitch, I would break it down into smaller paragraphs so it reads faster. End it with one succinct question. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key