Every Cloud

Hi Jonathan

A professional piece of work. The pace feels a bit leisurely and I would have liked more on Sam's feelings when she finds out about the betrayal - also I can't work out why she's so pissed off at Ben, he didn't do anything wrong - but overall very enjoyable. Can't wait to find out what happens in Africa with Wesley! Backed (you'll see it in a couple of days)

Nicole
Chosen

I liked the pitch of your book. Read part of the book, a nice well written story with all the obvious implications eminating from Carla's actions.Makes for interesting reading.
I was told, when I first put my book on the site, to not use the word "that" so often. I would suggest you look at probably deleting some of yours.
I'm backing it for the writing and its potential.
All the best.

Not really a fan of chick lit, but the story is well written and I'm sure it will appeal to the target audience. Good luck and hope to see it go from strength to strength.

My kind of afternoon read. You have the right style for the genre and a feisty main character in Samantha. dialogue works fine. :)

Ticks all the chick lit boxes. Good luck with this.

Gefordson
Nothing you can do.

Really well written - the style really suites the Chick Lit genre. Seems like the main character is likeable and the story is interesting so I think you are on to a winner here. Backed. Clare

Dear Jo Green,

I suppose Every Cloud has a silver lining, but how will we know with just these marvelous 10,000 words? Your reading public demands more!

Best wishes,

GK Stritch
CBGB Was My High School

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character in Sam. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing makes your work a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Hi Jo,
well what to say...firstly I hate chick-lit.
Secondly, I thought yours was a cut above the rest and I enjoyed your story and your wit very much.
The setting, of course, is marvellous and you bring that to life with good descriptive prose.
I liked it...and it's chick-lit. Amazing.
BACKED!
Best wishes, Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

Apart from too much product placement (a problem that was pointed out to me about my work) I thought this was fabulous, perfect for its audience.
Backed with pleasure! Good Luck!!
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of Sicilian Shadows) for a further possible backing of your book
Could you also have a read (if you haven't done so) of 'Moonbeam Highway' by Tim Chambers, a wonderful book that at present sits on the Ed's desk.

Jo -

I read your first couple of chapters and really enjoyed them (and with my gender, I'm soo off the mark).

Very funny and, at times, sensitive piece of writing, and there isn't much I can find to criticize.

OK, there's just one thing: unnecessary adjectives (like, the taxi's slightly tatty upholstery). They don't do anything to hustle the story or your characters along and just tend to slow the reader down.

You might want to give this a thorough read. Every adjective you come across, see how the sentence works without it - or them. You'll be surprised at how much tighter this will all read when you're done.

Of course, this is all subjective. So, if you agree, take appropriate action. If not, don't. You're the best judge of what's going to work for your ms.

BACKED, happily.

Best of luck here, and I would love it if you could take a look at my book.

-Jeff Lee
THE LADIES TEMPERANCE CLUB'S FAREWELL TOUR

I loved the passage from the Velveteen Rabbit. No wonder she was brought to tears. Perhaps Sam's journey towards "realness" has just begun?
Sam is attractive and well dressed, very successful in her banking career, wealthy and used to the good things in life. She seems to have her life sorted, even down to her handsome fiance. So what can go wrong?
The story starts with lively banter with her best friend, Carla. Through their conversation, the reader learns a lot about their friendship, the characters themselves and of Sam's approaching wedding to Jack. It all seems perfect and Sam is excited and confident about it. There's no last minute jitters or doubts. You reveal this effectively, without any need for an obvious info dump. Overall a good start. Just one slight point is that when Sam looks in the mirror and sees herself, the description there did seem a bit contrived. This is chick lit and so mainly for women. But I think that bit felt as if you were writing for men. I would tone it down a bit.
Your dialogue continous to convince, both with further conversations with Carla and with more of Sam's friends. Ben is an interesting character and seems to really care about her. He gives a few clues at the party that all is not right, but Sam doesn't pick up on it. Carla does though and she looks uneasy. But Carla seems like a good friend and the barbs at each other have been in jest...haven't they?
Sam thinks about the contrast between Jack and Ben. The fact that Ben works with Jack is a clue that he might know more about Jack than Sam does. Ben's assessments and comments on Jack may be accurate, even if spoken in a jokey way. When Sam thinks back to meeting Jack on the safari and his slightly pompous way he explained the true meaning of Safari, I was starting to have serious doubts about the man and his relationship with Sam.,
THe revelation outside the tiolets is well done. Sam handles it bravely ,even though she is shocked. You describe her physical feelings excellently. Her disbelief at first and then her shaking, her struggle to calm her voice, her weak knees and anger. The reader can admire the way she fights it all to face Carla and tell her a few truths. All very convincing. Ben's hunched shoulders and pain are convicing too, though I felt sorry for him because he'd been caught in a difficult position.
Jack reveals himself to be a coward when he later sends Sam messages blaming Carla. Sam may be crying now, but the reader is relieved the wedding has been called off.
THe third chapter ends on an effective cliffhanger. Jack is walking over to Sam. They will meet face to face for the first time since the disclosure. A great hook.
Chicklit, but with more depth of character than usual. Sam is clearly intelligent and may have been too trusting. But the reader knows she'll fight back and she'll develop as a person because of this. I hope she'll gain the "realness" that Skin Horse talked about.
I've looked at some of the earlier comments and I have to admit, the brand names meant nothing to me either. I see your point of putting them in to emphasise Sam has a lot of money to spend on luxurious items and exotic holidays etc. However, I think the reader picks that up very early on: eg we learn about her massive salary within the first paragraph. So maybe you could cut out some of the brand names mentioned? But her lots of money situation is a good place to start off from; perhaps she's been too money orientated and will learn and change throughout the book to become a deeper and warmer person? Perhaps she'll be able to see Ben for the true friend he appears to be?.Just a thought.
I will BACK this.
Cherry G.
The Girl From Ithaca

This reads well though I confess I did feel the mirror scene was just too much of a cliche up front in a book. Watch out too for overuse of exclamation points. But it's a fun, fast read with a good balance of action, dialogue and description. I can see and believe in your characters which is always good. Happy to back.

This seems to be a good fun read, in spite of the dramas in the first chapters. I was giggling at the banter between Carla and Sam ... and then discovered Carla was in fact a bitch. Jack is also a two timer who refuses to take responsibility for his actions. One minor point, if I may suggest it: Don't overdo the use of names and brands. This isn't necessary unless the manufacturers are going to pay you for it. * smile * I will read more of this to see how Sam gets on in Africa.

Well paced writing. You unfold a story that holds the reader's attention and showcases your skills. The emotion we feel for these characters comes quickly, right from the beginning and the revelation of the betrayal is raw. Your work is excellent and very deserving of backing. Good luck.
Jenny

In the crisp and very natural dialogue between Samantha and Carla and then in Carla's internal thoughts about Samantha, Sam grew on me as a fully fleshed out character in her own right.
Sam's first encounter with Jack, through the auspices of a caterpilla bite in Kenya is an ingenious twist and typical of a number of seamless developments in your storytelling, until we have the superb hook at the end of the chapter where Sam makes the discovery on her Blackberry which brings her to tears.
You have a real storytelling talent and drew me into your story with the crisp and spontaneous dialogue.

Backed.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

Like me, your chapters have something to do with music, I love that :) I love the feeling of this piece, humorous yet dramatic. Backed!

Brittany
My Last Notes

Ranger Romance starts out with just a bang - Samantha discovers that her best friend has slept with Jack.. and how does she handle the heartbreak? she sassily flies back to South Africa to get her head and heart in order.. Samantha is a great character.. she thinks her life is sorted until she learns of the betrayal - I have a feeling she'll begin to view life a little differently and perhaps take more chances after her adventures in S.A... good chick lit with a great premise.. Backed and best wishes
Diane
Good Blood

Hi Jonathan,

You had me at the wedding! Beautifully, well-drawn characters. Backed with pleasure! You are going places.

Your pitch are cover are absolutely awesome! The novel itself will certainly appeal to readers of the romance and chick lit genre - this was one of the most genuinely engaging commercial reads on the site, I'm fairly certain you'll be published in no time at all. With your light, snappy, succinct writing style, jump-out-at-you characters, well-timed humour and generally compelling romantically/emotionally-driven storyline, this book has huge potential for success!!! I'd happily bet on your success - backed without hesitation!!!

Great romance novel and you write with expertise to complement the wonderful story, Carla and Sam are fab characters.

Loved this one
backed

Romance readers will love this. Sam is a comfortable character to follow. I enjoyed reading Ranger Romance.

Good pitch, great writing, characters are real and fully formed. Dialogue is good , love to back.

Clair - Left Behind

Joe - Ranger Romance lives up to its appealing cover and its pitch. Good tight writing tells the story and I have no hesitation in backing it. Balepy (Freckles the Fawn)

Hi Jo, Independent, interesting characters and you’ve believably portrayed the pre-wedding socializing. The telling is immediate and involves because of the tensions and personality differences. The aftermath of Sam's discovery about Carla is also rendered with convincing detail – the paragraph “A few minutes later, for some bizarre reason…” expressed the tenor of her mood. The prospect of Sam’s removing herself to Africa sounds very compelling. Easily shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Hi Jo,

This is a well written story that will surely appeal to your targeted audience. Your dialogue is realistic and your characters are vividly developed. I'm happy to back your work.

Backed 100%

Patrick Armstead
Dark Lands

This story eventually develops well, as some great books do. You have a good voice with your characters, great prose and a colorful picture of the background throughout the chapters I was able to read.

backed with pleasure
hope you like Fate's Chastening
all the best
sue

Hey guess what your cover works!! I saw your book sitting on someone's shelf and decided to come take a look, sure glad I did.
This is a great idea for a story and I was eager to find out more from reading your pitches.
Can't say I'm usually over impressed with the chick lit genre but I 'felt comfortable' with your book.

Happily shelved
Melxx
Impeding Justice

Good pitch but then I felt the story took its time untill around chapter four. You have a lot of very long paragraphs and quite a lot of tell not show. You have a nice story here so you dont want to loose your reader too early on. I'd have a little chop here and there in 1 & 2 and move the story on. Nice Chic Lit.

Sue
Knowing Liam Riley

I like to comment as I read, just my thoughts as if I was in a book shop. I don’t crit grammar or anything like that much. I have been doing it this way for a while and it seems to work OK and it’s fun.

Hello – Ranger Romance
Lovely cover but I think the title could be improved – the one you have seems a bit “Mills and Boon” to me.


My first thought on reading your pitches was that they sound a bit clichéd.

Your writing is good, tight and proficient. The dialogue is natural and believable and has a good flow. Again the only thing that is bothering me is what is going to lift this out of the ordinary.

Some of your paragraphs are incredibly long.

I think this is a very good example of the chick lit genre and I am backing it for that reason and I wish you the very best of luck with it. - Diane

Jonathan, I think this is a perfect book for it's genre . It's well written we get emotionally attached immediately to Sam, kinda feel bad for Ben but then the third chapter when he drops her off at the airport, something tells me there is more to this then meets the eye I guess will have to wait and see.

I like the other characters as well, they are engagng and keep the flow moving. Your pace is perfect and the dialogue is strong. well done this will do well Backed Patricia aka Columbia Layers of the Heart

The first part surprised me. Describing the perfect wedding between Jack and Sam, (oh my, Stargate!) it was hard to imagine that anything could stand in the way. But then we see the signs, Carla's pronouncement that she wants what Sam has... literally it seemed! Very cleverly done! And I would say, if you must run away, just take the ivory dress with you! Anyway, the beginning was fun, amusing and it captured me right away. Just right for the publishers. Thanks for the read and good luck!

The second section (4,5&6) really gets into the story, and held my interest well. Great idea for a wedding story. Made me wonder how many people this actually happens to. Luk

Thank you for this, and particularly for the advice re: the pitch - I think you're absolutely right!

Ranger Romance
Jo Green

You do a good job of characterising Sam. The writing is forceful and entertaining - all in all a delightful read and an interesting setting. Hoping to return to read more as time permits. Pleasure backing this. (Tiny nit - last para of pitch - I think it should be "draw" and not "draws" ( shared love of wildlife AND the region's natural beauty - two things here so verb should agree). Enjoyed this very much and wish you the best with getting it published.
Zan

Thank you for the encouraging commentns and also, more importantly, for the good advice - duly noted!

Great characterisation. I take my hat off to you for being able to write this genre. It would be completely beyond me. My only suggestions: The very first paragraph. Split the long sentence up, putting a full stop after 14' figure. And there are some long paragraphs in ch 1, and one in ch 3 that you might want to divide as well. But the writing - can't fault that!

Great characterisation. I take my hat off to you for being able to write this genre. It would be completely beyond me. My only suggestions: The very first paragraph. Split the long sentence up, putting a full stop after 14' figure. And there are some long paragraphs in ch 1, and one in ch 3 that you might want to divide as well. But the writing - can't fault that!

Ranger Romance
Jo Green

You do a good job of characterising Sam. The writing is forceful and entertaining - all in all a delightful read and an interesting setting. Hoping to return to read more as time permits. Pleasure backing this. (Tiny nit - last para of pitch - I think it should be "draw" and not "draws" ( shared love of wildlife AND the region's natural beauty - two things here so verb should agree). Enjoyed this very much and wish you the best with getting it published.
Zan

Hello, this is a copy and paste comment as I am extremely busy during May and June with my Creative Writing edits and have no time to take notes and comment in depth in my usual way.

I have read a chapter of your book and am backing it because I love it - like it or can see potential.

In the spirit of the site, if this is a return read, thank you for your backing, it is much appreciated. If not, I ask that you might find time to take a look at my book, An Unbreakable Bond. There is no need to comment, unless you feel you must, but I would be grateful for a backing if it falls into any of the above categories for you.

May I also recommend: Impeding Justice, by Melcom

It is a fast paced thriller and is hot footing it to the eds desk. Let’s help this hard working, dedicated site member to achieve this. Thank you, my every good wish for success with your work, Love Mary.

PS: Do forgive me for having to do this, I will be back in force in July and if you particularly want an indepth comment, email me at mary.wood18@yahoo.co.uk and I will do my best to oblige.

A good job done, so men can write chic-lit and romance, well, you can, loved it, good luck, love Mary

Well firstly Jonathan I must say how impressed I was that you can actually write so much like a woman. I had to double check i'd got the right book from your profile. This book is far from my chosen genre so I don't really have much to say in terms of direct crits, but overall your writing is strong, dialogue is a strong point, and I was more than happy to back you.
David
Bailey of the Saints

Chaps 12and 3 leave the reader wanting more. You paint a vivid picture of Sam's betrayal by her fiance and friend. I have backed your book and look forward to reading more when it is posted. Regards, Anne

The pitch carries the promise of a good story. You have a gift for dialog. Glad to back the book and good luck with it.

Thank you for backing Southern Man.
Connie Chastain

I love the pitch and this is good writing with very lively dialogue. Happy to back this book.
BADD

Any book that starts with a Killers lyric is okay by me. Fortunately, I loved your writing style. It was fast paced, eminently accessible and contained rich, vivid descriptions. Your pitch was very enticing and I'm glad I spent my tea break in the company of your great book. I'd post more.
Backed with pleasure.
Carl
The Time Hunters

I loved the synopsis and couldn't wait to read the book. This is very well written, and I love your interesting characters. I really want to read more. Backed with pleasure.
Jennie
Lies and Betrayal

I have just read chapters 1 - 3. This is expertly written. The tension and the secrecy builds into the worst explosion, when Sam realises that her fiance has been unfaithful. Despite being from several POV's throughout, I didn't feel this detracted. When Ben comes on the scene in the pre-celebratory dinner - the story comes alive as we hear the protagonist describing and comparing him with Jack. The chemistry is evident between them and yet questions are raised about his sexuality. The scene with the phone and Sam overhearing the truth is very well done. You are a good story teller and I was glued to your material. I think that is the best complement I can give you. Backed, Sana x

Thank you - your comments are very encouraging!

Hello Jo. Your story is well written. Africa is a great place for the setting and you have a good way of describing things without overdoing it. A classic romance with good humor, backed with pleasure. mariecapri (Cosmic Linx)

Thank you!

Nothing like having your beliefs and dreams shattered to create change and you have captured this so well. You then take the reader in to a world of escapism, engaging a little bit of introspection, very much liked the structure. – Great read!

Many thanks for your kind comments - I will definitely check out Royal Blood Chronicles!

Really good, I love your fluid writing style. Well done I hope you will check out Royal Blood Chronicles. Thanks E.Loraine.

Hello Jo. Your story is well written. Africa is a great place for the setting and you have a good way of describing things without overdoing it. A classic romance with good humor, backed with pleasure. mariecapri (Cosmic Linx)

Nothing like having your beliefs and dreams shattered to create change and you have captured this so well. You then take the reader in to a world of escapism, engaging a little bit of introspection, very much liked the structure. – Great read!