The Steel Town Secret

Hi. I read the pitch and just thought this could be a massive commercial success. I read the fluid, accessible prose and thought - this could be a massive commercial success. I pictured it as a movie and thought this could be a massive commercial success, Do you see where I'm going with this.
Backed with pleasure
Carl
The Time hunters

very hitchcock in execution. backed with pleasure.

STEEL TOWN SECRET
Nothing is better than a political story. You’ve created good characters for this; each one is unique (love the description of the office where no one can pass paperwork). Overall, it reads as it you’re letting your reader in on inside Washington info – kept me turning pages to see what else there was to learn. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Chapter four: Okay, now I'm lost, completely lost. How did we get from multi-millions in the Senator's office to this treatment center -- did it happen before or after? I am so stunned by this sudden transformation I can't comment on anything else, though my editors finger itch to get at a few sentences -- but only a few.

I can't help but feel this would be a stronger story told in linear time. With these short chapters that jump around in space and time, I'm sorry but you've lost this reader's interest. Lynda

Thoughts on Chapter 3: Getting better. It seems to me that much of the backstory from 2 could enter into the story more smoothly by having Connelly and Burnbaum talk about Jim, kind of a briefing before the meeting. Still, now we are moving forward and this is good.

Chapter two: This chapter seems dedicated to backstory, and certainly we need some, but your approach to it feels artificial. Nothing of consequence to the present, to the story happens here -- in fact there appears to be no point to this chapter except backstory and the addition of another character. Why are they having this meeting? What does it have to do with what is to come next? This chapter reads as though if it were gone, we wouldn't miss it.

Also, it is confusing as to time-line. We lose our sense of what happened when. Three months ago, Jim HAD returned -- and he HAD called a meeting. Without the past perfect, we become uprooted in time -- is this the meeting we are in now?

Also, it is awkward to meet Mike, learn of his history and then leave him so abruptly. Why are we introduced to him if he has nothing to do with moving things forward? And then we jump to Jim's history.

As an editor, I would question the need for this chapter, when the personal histories can be handled in other ways, less obtrusive. But perhaps as I read further along, I will come to understand.

Lynda here from Fair Critters: thoughts on chapter one -- nice intro to our two main characters -- already the breathe with personality and we've come to know them with such economy of words. Well done. We are straining to turn the page, already engaged.

Just one picayune little thought: The opening sentence reads a tiny bit awkward, and I think it might be improved with the addition of another verb to this: ... watching the lights of Washington and enjoying a brief interlude between... Just has better rhythm to my ear. For whatever that's worth.

Lynda here from Fair Critters: thoughts on chapter one -- nice intro to our two main characters -- already the breathe with personality and we've come to know them with such economy of words. Well done. We are straining to turn the page, already engaged.

Just one picayune little thought: The opening sentence reads a tiny bit awkward, and I think it might be improved with the addition of another verb to this: ... watching the lights of Washington and enjoying a brief interlude between... Just has better rhythm to my ear. For whatever that's worth.

Oh yes. A real contender

A straight in to it storyline. Leaving us to make up our own minds on the personalties. This is fast moving and you have a fluid writing style. I could see this as a tv series or a film I think the drama lends itself to it beautifully.

ue Mackender
Knowing Liam Riley - I hope you like it

Thoughts on The Steel Town Secret:

“in the morning, he was…” add comma

add commas after “said” (Ted said, entering the room. …the senator said, rocking back in his chair.) Actually, there seems to be a lack of commas throughout. I will just mention it as a recommendation, rather than picking them all out.

“His ex-wife had taken…”- nice cadence to that sentence!

“caught another woman using his putter”- funny :)

What’s with the “Why was this so easy to write?” question at the bottom of chapter 2?

Really good, tight dialogue in the Burnaum/Ross scene. Well done.

The “I’m late” trick to get past the receptionist was clever.

Note: Scotch and Brandy should not be capitalized.

Your writing is sharp and easy to read. Best of luck with this!

Cyndi

A great mix of technology and politics, and lots of suspence to keep you reading. Thanks. Good luck with your book.

Ryan,

A couple of comments and suggestions. Why not start at the end of his speech at the convention, when he's got the crowd whipped into a frenzy, stopping for roaring applause, so we can see the genesis of what happens next (which is where you start it, currently) when he's looking back on his success with satisfaction and beginning to strategize for the next phase.

Reminds me of West Wing, but needs some work to get to that level, and that level is what you need to be aiming for. Get me inside that world. Right now, I feel like an outsider looking in. Get me inside the characters, their past, their motivations (other than winning), their values and innermost hopes . . .

A good start, but keep working! If you have time, give me some notes on my work. I'd love to hear your ideas.

Cheers,

Dustin (Dreamland)

Ryan
I've read the first three chapters of your book and think you have a winner here. The plot is well developed with Jim's frame-up coming as a great surprise. I have only one nit-pick: the first sentence of the second paragraph of chapter 1 reads peculiarly and sounds to me as though it should be broken into two sentences. Backed.
Regards
William (The Caves of Caerdraig)

Hi Ryan, An interesting 'whodunit' mystery wrapped in intrigue and secrets do one want known. I like it and I BACK it! Harold Alvin(ICON)Wesley

Jim is a well-fleshed out, sympatethic character. Your descriptions are effective. For example, your description of Jim's home. Your conversations flow naturally, inform, and drive your story forward. Your pacing kept me riveted.

Nits:
1) "Keep right on waiting mister." Comma after 'mister.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas. There are more cases of this type of problem.
2) 'He was a fireball from Ohio that brought an ...' The word 'that' should be 'who.' There are more cases of this type of problem.
3) '... laid the envelop with the Navy seal on it on her food try.' 'Try' should be 'tray.'

This is a skillfully-crafted, intriguing thriller. Backed.

Ryan, your first chapter starts off right. Straight to the point, nothing in excess.

Happy to back your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Ryan,

Good tight writing with perfect pacing. Backed with pleasure,
January

Good tight writing and pacing set the right tone for poitical intrigue. Good luck. Happy to back.

Very effective writing. Best of luck with this. Backed Jedward (Knut)

Wonderful storyline with the software capabilities explained easily to readers. More detail in terms of visual images of the candidate and his staff might be added. The use of italics for a message (press release) might be saved to indicate "thoughts" (inside the head stuff) instead of the use employed; just a suggestion. Backed. Chuck (Paperboy Adventures)

Hi Ryan

Just finsihed your fisrt three chapters and i really enjoyed them, which surprised me because espionage thrillers aren`t really my thing, that said I found the pace of the book thrilling and thought your characters were really well developed, I can already picture Jim Ross in my minds eye.

Good Luck
Cerys (Gabriel)

just great stuff. love the opening lines and it continues from there. keep it up. backed.

A new surveillance concept is devised by the American Goverment under the authority of an senator, who will stop at nothing to see the device incorporated.But the head of a private IT company resists the installation of predator and is removed and replaced by a lookilike. A classic doopleganger story thats got me hooked right from the start, so I'm backing this.

Daniel Manning
No Compatibility.

Good insight into politics and corporate business. The writing fits the genre well, and technically is strong. A little non-plussed by chap. 2 -- is there a technical error perhaps? This promises to be a good political thriller and is quite timely, and I'm happy to back it for you.
Craig
The Job

Re chapter 5. I struggled with the pov. It's seems to be Connely's, but then we slip into Jim's mind once in a while - Jim loved being rich, hiring escorts. Having started in 5 I have not seen the characters develope but they seem a little flat at this point, but I'm sure they have been fleshed out earlier. I think you can do without the waiter. I think it's a mistake to end the chapter with a description of the house. A chapter's end should compel the reader into the next chapter. I looked at chapter 1 as well, and, of course, the synopsis. I think I can back it.
Best of luck with it.

hullo Ryan. Having worked within the government for many years I know how 'dangerouos' situations can evolve out of hand into something quite different than what might have been planned. I also am familiar with individuals getting lost within the 'rehabilitation' system never to return. However, in today's political system it would seem more likely that the democrat's would be planning this internet peeking to 'control' e-mail communications rather than the republican's. I guess I could be wrong! Sounds like a series to me.
Already shelved and backed.
Please take a look at my book if you have not and thanks for that.
Linda Lou Long
Southern dis-Comfort
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=11421

FAIR CRITTERS REVIEW

Hi Ryan,

I just enjoyed the first four chapters of "The Steel Town Secret" and wanted to share some comments with you about it.

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

PLOT
In these chapters, we meet the Republican nominee for President, Senator Joe Burnbaum, and learn of his signature legislation, Predator, which will permit the FBI to wiretap internet activity. Crucial to his success will be the cooperation of Jim Ross, whose ISP controls 90% of the traffic in the US. But Ross may not be on board, and he's got personal problems, too.

STYLE AND VOICE
Ryan, I'm going talk for a bit about point of view. I apologize if you already know this.

It would appear to me that you are using an omniscient narrator for your novel. I infer this from the fact that, within scenes, we sometimes learn what different characters see or think. This is in contrast to staying inside the "head" of one character throughout a scene, and only exposing what that one character sees, thinks, hears, and so on.

Now there is nothing intrinsically wrong with an omniscient narrator. Much great fiction has used this technique. But it is very much out of style today. About 70% of all fiction today uses "third person limited" where the scene is narrated from the viewpoint of one character. The idea is that by focusing on what that one character senses, you can deepen the readers' conncections to your character and hence to your fictional world. The other 30% of fiction is almost entirely first person narration, where the author achieves the same goal by literally have the point of view character narrate the action.

I think you will find that your readers will connect better with both your characters and the plot if you stick with one point of view character for each scene, and take pains at the start of each scene to establish that we are in that character's head. You do this in your first chapter, for example, with the Senator.

REFERENCING
This is modern day, from the references to ISPs and the internet.

SCENE SETTING
This was quite sparse. Setting the scene lets you do more than just describe the character's surroundings: it can tell you a lot about the character. The interior of Burnbaum's office, for example, will tell the reader much about what he's like. Does he have pictures with Maggie Thatcher? How about Putin? Similarly, the things that Ross sees when he enters the office tell us about HIM, assuming we're in his point of view. Finally, adding more to the scenes will help the reader imagine what the surroundings are like and so help them build an image your imaginary world in their head. Most people, for example, have never been in a US senator's office and won't have a clue what it looks like.

CHARACTERS
These are kind of sketchy, right now. Burnbaum seems opportunistic, but then he's a politician. Ross seems a bit dissolute, but we don't spend enough time with him to get a very good feeling for him.

GRAMMAR
I found a couple of typos that I've noted below.

JUST MY PERSONAL OPINION
Ryan, you've got a great idea for a block-buster novel here. Your characters look like they have a lot of potential, and political thrillers are always fun to read.

But I have to say that your chapters are quite short--less than a thousand words each--and that there's not much in the way of character development in them. Your readers will need to care about your characters before they care about your plot. Alfred Hitchcock was often dismissive of the details of plot. In "North by Northwest," one of his best-plotted movies, we only learn that they are chasing after "spy stuff" that's on microfilm. But, man, do we ever care about the characters! So one of my suggestions for you is to spend some time with your characters, put them in motion in word and deed, and let the reader get to know them and care about them.

A second suggestion has to do with narrated background. You've got this terrific idea for your story, one that I'm sure will be riveting. But show it unfolding in front of us, don't tell us. A perfect example of this is the incident with Janice, who turns out to be a spy. I'd expand that entire incident to a stand-alone scene. Show them in the bar, show her flirting with him, show how smart they both are with through their dialog. Think of "North by Northwest." We first meet the Eva Marie Saint character when she flirts with the Cary Grant character in the dining car. We care about both of them because they are clever, witty, and interesting--and, in her case, seductive. Do that with Janice, to help draw your readers into your story.

Again, I think you've got a well-thought-out and intricate plot that is ripped from today's headlines. It should be a rip-roaring adventure when you get it done. Thanks for sharing it with me!!!

Here are some line-by-line comments that you may or may not find useful.




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The convention had gone as expected and he had won the Republican nomination for the next presidential election.
My Comment. This is the author intruding to state a fact. Instead of telling us, perhaps you could reveal this fact in the dialog with Longhorn?

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“John Burke. I’m going to love kicking that liberal, tree-huggers ass,” the senator said rocking back in his chair.
My Comment: typo: should be tree-hugger's

/////////////////////////////
“Sir, the statement… I think we should give the standard response:
‘I am honored and humbled to have been selected by my party. We will demonstrate to the American people that we are committed to defending personal liberty and national security and preserving the American way of life. We will return this great country to the values handed down by our forefathers. We would like to thank President Burke in advance for a spirited race and we look forward to debating our position with him in front of the American public. Thank you and may God Bless America.’”
My comment: If this is the "standard statement," does he need to repeat it?


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At five-foot-ten and thirty pounds overweight, Jim Ross was hardly the imposing figure he had been ten years ago. His ex-wife had taken his money, the creditors had taken his house and the booze had taken his will.
My comment: this is author narration. I'd start this chapter with Jim reacting to the nurse's entrance. That will establish that we are in Jim's point of view and avoid the omniscient author.

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When the nurse came in, Jim lifted.
My comment: lifted what? His head? Or did his spirits lift?

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Quarterly reports and notepads were set in front of each place at the table.
My comment: "were set" is passive voice, which tends to put the reader in a passive, receptive mood. Instead, you'd like your readers to be your active partners in imagining your fictional world. For this reason, it's usually better to use active verb forms.

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Jim would start by giving a broad look at the previous quarter.
My comment: I'm confused. Is this a flashback? The last time we saw Jim, he was in a hospital trying to get sober? Or have we moved to the future?

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“It’s just that after watch him in the media, I’m not convinced we can swing him our way,” Ted confessed.
My comment: I think you meant "watching him in the media."

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Jim had a hangover from the night before and was almost late for the meeting.
My comment: I'm confused again. First he was in treatment for drinking, then we saw him the boardroom, where his directors were surprised he was NOT drinking, and now he's hung over.

Super thriller with a real feel of authenticity.
Backed with pleasure! Good Luck!!
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of Sicilian Shadows) for a further possible backing of your book
Could you also have a read (if you haven't done so) of 'Moonbeam Highway' by Tim Chambers, a wonderful book that at present sits on the Ed's desk.

Ryan, you've got a good one here!
great command of your narrative; crackling, believable dialog; fine pace.
on my shelf.
very best wishes, andy

A book written for the times. ETS or Predator, unlimited monitoring by the NSA, and nowhere to hide, you have a good setting for Jim to be dropped down the rabbit hole. Out of the mental facility and into a world where "the biggest challenges still faced them." I wish you would have uploaded more. I want to see what happens after Jim escaped. I guess I'll have to buy this when you finally get it published. Backed for now.

Interesting plot line, I jumped around to see where the story was headed and liked the different feel you've created in different chapters. I like where you are going with this one, good luck to you!

I like the opening. This isn't my kind of story, but I like your writing style. You also have fresh ways of describing characters. I have one nitpick, ... where you tell the standard response. Either cut it, because he would know it by now, or show that he doesn't know it.

"I think we should give the standard response."
Joe leaned back in his chair. "What is the standard response these days, anyway?" OR "And what would that be? The standard response seems to change weekly these days." (something like that)
Ted cleared his throat and flipped open a folder he held in his hands. (have him read document here)

really, that's my only nit in the chapter. I think this is a good start for this kind of story :)

xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

The Steel Town Secret rockets from the starting trap and maintains a cracking , but even , pace throughout. The prose is incisive with a direct narrative style that makes no irrelevant detours during the exposition of a robust and well developed plot. Characterisation is strong with each of the MCs having a credible physical presence. Backed. Robert Davidson. The Tuzla Run.

Dear Ryan --
Your political thriller reads so quickly, I found myself through five chapters before I knew it. Your pacing, descriptions, and clear writing highlight the quality of your plot almost to perfection.

One small thing to think about: in chapter 3, the words "quarter" and "quarterly" are used 6 times in the first two paragraph. This distracted me from the rest of your writing, so I thought I should mention it. It's a small detail that's easy to correct in a quality work.

Backing you with pleasure... -- Delhui

Please consider a look at The Long Black Veil, as we would appreciate your comments. Thanks!

THE STEEL TOWN SECRET
Ryan Schertzer

There is a balanced amount of suspense early on in this book. Once I got so I could understand who all the characters were and the lapse in time between their various stories, I got comfortable with the story and puzzled over just what was going on. This is good. Mystery is compelling and keeps the reader going. Then, in Chapter Seventeen it comes into its own. The solutions to some of the puzzles began to surface.

For me, this has brilliant pacing. I enjoyed reading it and wish there was more so I could see the end.

Thank you kindly for supporting and backing my book, A King in Time.

Sincerely,

Mary Enck

Thanks so much for your kind and friendly feedback without backing my book. I will have to respect your decision. As I know I design a furniture and publisher will polish it. YOu know a diamond that is firstly picked out from the ground, only the professional and smart person recognize it and the jeweler will shine it. I appreciate your time and and your criticism again . I will be working with a real author possibly professional editor to polish my book very soon. I wish my Best to your book that has free punctuation errors, perfect sentences, hopefully will be the Best Seller.
Backed,
Bamboo Promise

I've read two and I'm impressed. The pitch tells us just enough without revealing too much. Then chap 1 sets us up well, with Burnbaum coming across as a real threat to your mc. Two things. First, I'm not sure about scantily-slept - scantly-slept yes. And the last few lines, I think would flow better if you can only mention 'Jim Ross' once, maybe: '... plotted his next move - dealing with his biggest problem after Pres Burke. He walked...'
Ch 2: what a great line: the creditors had taken his house and the booze had taken his will. - excellent.
Jim's very well presented - just that line about the sponge bath says lots about him and his relationship with Julie. Nice intrigue with The Voice. Is it connected to the end of chap 1? Your readers will be dying to know!
So, to sum up, this is realy good!

The cover looks very Grisham - which is great! Absolutely something I would pick up and buy if I was looking for something good to read. Great writing, and I can see this being a very marketable book. Congrats on the excellent work. I'll keep you on my shelf for awhile to show my support! I wish you much success and God bless.

Heidi Marshall
More

(Thank you so much for your comment on my book!)

This is good. Cleanly written and engaging, the narrative style is easy to get along with and I'm already beginning to get a grasp of the characters. Even though the story didn't open with a bang, I remained interested and had read a long way pretty much without realising it. Rufus' stabbing came from nowhere and Jim being framed by an orderly is very intriguing. This is well worth backing and I am looking forward to reading further. The story proper has yet to unfold but I have a feeling it'll be worth it when it happens! Best of luck with this.

very hitchcock in execution. backed with pleasure.

I normally would leave a comment on my own page, but I wanted to say a special thank you to Bradley Wind for providing the cover art for my book! I hope you all like it.

Ryan

Hi Ryan, The directed dialogue and Jim’s thoughts got me right into this – succinct writing with suspicion as spice. Both Birmbaum and Jim are fascinating characters. The conversation between them about the internet tapping absolutely launched your story. It promises to be a page-turner! Easily shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Read the first three chapters and was quite impressed with your clear, crisp style of writing. I especially loved the way you described Jim Ross in the first two lines of chapter two. I also liked the short chapters but I wondered if they were too short to constitute a nice chapter. Just a thought.

Backed this a few days ago and just now got around to writing a comment. Forgive the lateness.

Natalie

Chapter 5 is intriguing. Apart from one typo I couldn't find anything wrong with it. "Jim smiled at the though (t) of just one more party." I did notice also that we see 2 POV in this chapter and that other chapters speak from other POV. This must take a lot of work.
I loved the ending of chapter 5, where the twisted knot of the story gets even more tangled.
Backed with pleasure. Sana x

A good consistent thriller that streams along the pages. Excellent.

This has medium pace - which I like - is expertly written and very engaging. I have never come across such short chapters, but must say I like them. I do hope the rest of this book is in the pipeline, it is excellent and well worth backing.
BADD

The short chapter move this along at a great pace and intrigue; I’ve never read something that opens so many loops/hooks.
I think how you have started with Jim is very good, more sub-plot in how he got to be like he is, where is he going now he’s rejuvenated, this is addictive – I’m going to have to read the rest!

I really enjoyed this pacey, grown up thriller. It's written with confidence and authority and should be a winner.

One small thing - in C5 where you say 'he had never seen blood like that before', it sounds like he had alien blood or something and I was waiting for you to go on to describe it at 'green' or 'black', but I guess you just meant that there was lots of it!

Very good start, in the vein of Vince Flynn. Shall certainly come back to read more.

I was almost put off by the 'Identical twin' in the pitch but the writing certainly built up the intrigue. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

Chapter 1 is full of intrigue to gain power and Burnbaum certainly burns to have his moment as President. Both Burnbaum and his publicity manager, Ted Longhorn, are well drawn and in a short passage of initial dialogue and some very clear prose in short paragraphs, both characters come across as real, fleshed out, and as calculating as those campaigning for President must have to be.
I wanted - but didn't need - to read on to know that, combined with the promise of the plot as already outlined in the synopsis, the seeds sown in chapter 1 were soon going to blossom and flourish into a gripping thriller.

Shelved.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)