Tried

This is a great story. It's keeping my attention as I have just finished the first chapter. The one thing I kept asking myself as I read was, where were you, and what was your name. You don't mention South Seattle until the very end of the chapter. If this story is autobiographical, and you don't want to use your name, you can always change it.

I will keep reading, as I want to find out what happens.

Fredrik P. Williams
Mangled Noize

Good Writing. Just watch words the spellcheck won't pick up - i.e. "wander" vs. "wonder" (1st Paragraph chapter 1) and "faucet" vs. "facet." Looking forward to more chapters.

Elizabeth Love
(Pouring the Cup)

Hi Liam

Good pitch - I like true-life rags to riches and back again stories. Do you mean autobiographical by the way, rather than biographical? A few small things:

Greyhound should have a capital G, otherwise it sounds like you were riding on a dog
"wandering my new city", not "wondering my new city"
“a quarter of a delivered pizza”, not “a fourth”
Typo: “faucet” not “facet”
“ridden hard and put away wet” – good
Typo: “steered clear”, not “steered cleared”
“long road to the next station” – nice play on words
s/b “didn’t really stand out, but didn’t really fit in”
“cast sight out” – “glanced out” would be better
I wouldn’t repeat the dive bars and prostitutes theme – once is enough
“a dive place” – maybe find another way to describe it, otherwise it seems like it’s the only way you have to describe a lowdown dump
“Going downtown hadn’t really been worth the time”. This repeats “heading downtown” from the previous sentence. It would be better to begin the next para: “That turned out to be a waste of time. It quickly became apparent that there were two kinds of job available downtown.”
“was found pleasing” – “was pleasing” is better
“wandering the city”
I like how the narrator is energised by the city, I like his optimism and ability to dream, in spite of his unprepossessing circumstances
Repetition: “a couple drinks”, “a couple hours”
“wouldn’t succeed at destroying the economy” – this doesn’t make sense, do you mean “rebuilding the economy”?
“Free beer and naked women in jello! What a great city!” – funny
Repetition: “energized”, “energy” in the same sentence

I found this fascinating - it gives real insight into the life of the homeless, that is much needed in times like these, and is honest and funny. Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

Dear LIam
this is a really good read, open,honest, and i loved your true long pitch the first time around and then the second as well. Yes i have commented and backed your book, however cannot find the backing so will do it again, because it is WORTH IT
the VERY best of luck
If you have not already , please comment on my book and BACK it if not that is OK also
Denise
The Letter

Very good sense of isolation and despair. I can see the room and its contents.

Good synopsis. Get an original cover to make your book stand out. Many books on here have the same cover and you might miss a read becuse someone newish thinks they've already read it.

On my shelf.

Best wishes, Joanna

Very timely work. I imagine there are a lot of people living this nightmare. I'll back this for you and best of luck. Dave

Hi Liam, i've backed your book. It's very informative and interesting to read. I look forward to reading the finished book. Keep going and good luck.

Hi Liam,
I have backed your book because I think it has potential. I think your experiences will make a really good read but the writing needs a bit of polishing. For me there is distance between the writer's voice and the story - a distance which prevents me from engaging. It's hard to explain but for example '....the crew piled food on plates..' For me, maybe a description of the food and smells, the anticipation of people as they wait for the meal would help create an atmosphere as well as some dialogue to reflect 'the mood was good'.
Hope you don't mind my comments - others may totally disagree with me!

Liam,
This seems really biographical and I'd ask if you could just reword your script without losing the chain of your thoughts. I can feel the rhythm through your writing and I know where you are coming from; it is a heartwarming and touching story of a human being making a piece of himself in what appears to be a rather rude world but the trick of a great piece of work is to always reach your readers either way. The book has merits if you polish it up.

1. The book must strike a chord with those who have not braced such a terrible life and who are unable to see the kind of life your protagonist endures.
2. And for those who have and know, the only issue is to create a manageable read they can follow and subscribe to.

Never give up - there is hope and potential if you only try; just rework it; create manageable paragraphs so people can follow and watch your grammar. I am inclined to give you a thumbs up because we learn life best when we live the life of another and you are doing a splendid job delivering the life experiences of someone who never had it so well. We learn, we rework and we move on.

I had been a teacher once Liam and the class I had to manage were children no one cares about, children whom the principal even stated to me, would walk the streets as bums etc etc etc. I resented being told that! If I developed that kind of aloofness, then I would be partaking in the same sort of derogatory behavior the principal had chiseled up for himself. I tried something different and reached out to each of them and I must say at least for the time I taught them, each of those children looked up to me in a different fashion - they told me things they would not have otherwise and I did something in bringing their better parts out. The point I am making is never lose your steps - I love the work, so there you got me!


Best of luck Liam, if you need another review, let me know.

Rome
Directives for Murder

Lots of great details here, and the tension of your monetary (survival) situation kept me reading.

Backed a while ago, sorry it took so long to comment. Needs some editing for issues with wrong words being used here and there, but otherwise it is well written. Good luck with this.

ch 1 It's 'wandering' not 'wondering'. First paragraph. Doesn't bode well for the rest of the story. The author doesn't tell us why there is this sudden decision to transform his life. What made this particular day different than the ones before. It's important to explore the psychological aspects rather than just the difference from one's point of view between the 'haves and have nots'. This is a social statement about class and the differences in social strata, but ends up being a journal of what a person did minute by minute. Doesn't work for me.

Enticing pitch. A great read. Fascinating, truthful. Littered with mistakes, though - even the first paragraph has problems. If an agent/publisher spots the premise and enjoys the content, it might not matter - on the other hand, they might reject it because of the errors. That, would be a shame.

Backed.
Philip (The Angel Interview)

If this book was more bio than fiction you sure have had a hard time. I have to say I found it all a bit confusing getting on and off busses sleeping in strange places travelling miles to work, as it was all a bit repetitive. And who was Pam? You suddenly say you had dumped Pam but who was she, we were never introduced to her, she just got dumped. I think you need to have a look at the order of things, think where is most significant to start. What are the most compelling facts of my story I want to get across? Can the readers follow my journey?
Best of luck with it. Sue Mackender (Wilma1)

Knowing Liam Riley

You set the pace well. Just a few points. You keep using the word "wondering" in place of "wandering" and "steered cleared" should be "steered clear". Otherwise, the story is interesting. Backed.

Cat
"Twisted"

Your Pitch could do with a bit of polishing...

The story is gripping, and makes the reader want to know more - A title that is full of ups and downs; highs and lows - Very honest and brave, and it makes one think!

Wishing you the very best - BACKED!

stevew
The Ultimate/The Authors Cut

HI. BACKED. If you want a read and comments let me know by message. I have been reading for eleven hours straight and need a rest but if you want more than the back let me know.

Great story, great life, eye-opener (if we ever thought we have it all figured out :))
Thank you for sharing this.

Backed with utmost pleasure,
Johanna Kern
Master and the Green-Eyed Hope

I've had to sleep in my car and ride Greyhound buses myself, so I could relate somewhat. You have an interesting story here, and I look forward to you completing it. I do agree with others that some editing is required, but we all make those mistakes, myself more than others. Other than that, I think you have the makings of a good story here! Keep up the good work!

Hi Liam, as per comments below. A good start and backed for excellent potential. Gordon

As previous commentors have mentioned, the two things you need to do are

(a) finish the MS so that you know where it's going, and if it is going where you want it to

and

(b) It needs shaping more once complete. When done, leave it for several months and then come back to it with fresh eyes, and that way you will be able to form it up into something you could present to an agent or freelance it to a local magazine or newspaper.

You do have real writing talent, but this is still embryonic. Backed, but would like to see it completed as well

I'm afraid this didn't really grab me. I agree with the comments from Luke Bramley and Kristen Stone.

The pitch for your book offers the makings of an interesting story.

Reading the book, some editing is required.
It wasn't obvious where we were starting from in your life.
Also, I couldn't understand the reason for splitting chapter 2 with parts 3 and 4. Likewise with chapter 3 into parts 5,6 and 7. Why not have separate chapters?
I thought some of the narrative was probably too stretched in some areas. From your pitch you have much more to cover so I would be careful of irrevelance.
Based on your pitch I'm backing your book.

I dig this a lot. I feel depressed after reading those three chapters. You do a very good job of setting the scene for the reader and the emotions tied to it. I like the fact that you leave a little to the imagination and don't get bogged down in every little detail - I would def continue to read this ;) well done! Backed

MARK OF ETERNITY 6/7/2010

I like the opening. It charges the reader with a bit of fantasy but leaves a nervous edge. I was a bit confused by what actually went on in her dream. A lot of questions are unanswered. We need to know who is making the speech while it is happening. And, what kind of unsettling stories and violence? Are the stories true, or just rumors? Is he a good man, or bad?

The line, "She stopped in mid-step and couldn't think of a reasonable explanation for what just happened. It may ..." seems weak. The reader should be getting more inside the character's head, sensing the anxiety and hidden fear that would probably be lurking there. This is a great spot to add drama.

In Chapter 2 when Cadence sees Aidan, her feelings seem too casual. Here's a girl that is bothered by dreams, sees images, and then has a deja vu experience. If that was me, I'd be searching deeply for something. Again, let us get into her mind. What is she really thinking? How is it really affecting her? What emotions are brought forward? There have to be some, you know. Another opportunity to raise the tension.

I think the dialogue could be tweaked to resemble more casual conversation. It seems a bit stodgy for people of this age.

Chapter 5 -- the line, "Sounds like you definitely came to the right person. Tell you aunt all about it." Did you mean, your?

I just can't help getting the feeling that folks in this story treat the experience so casually. Most people I know would be either mesmerized by such a claim, or discard it as rubbish. But the characters here treat it as an everyday occurrence. It makes the story flat, lacking emotion, tension, and drama.

In Chapter 7 we get more involved with the dreams and discover much of the history behind the story. I like the way you reveal a little more each time she dreams. The idea of the story is becoming more clear, now. I initially thought there would be a discovery about Aidan and his connection to her. But I see it is a different story, altogether. It will be about their struggle with their history.

Nice story line and good characters. This has the makings of an incredible tale, but it needs completion. The reader needs to be part of the story, by experiencing the fear, anxiety, love, hate, and all of the other emotions that are glazed over with narrative. The emotion moves the story forward and puts us inside the characters. That's where the real stories are.

I am looking forward to reading this again after your edit. Good luck.

Marc - Where's The Ivy

This conveys the sadness and harsh reality of life, though I found the first chapter a bit long and wonder whether all readers will be a able to get into this. Well-written though. Backed.

A semi-biographical novel. Written in a diary style. It is original and based on life experience; an awareness that is mature and an understanding of life. The narrative is captivating, at times a little too diary style. But this is necessary to lead, the less reader of life experience, in to the reality of life.
A passage through heaven and hell on earth.
I recommend this to those who wight fiction based on immature unreality.
Backed.
BK

A semi-biographical novel. Written in a diary style. It is original and based on life experience; an awareness that is mature and an understanding of life. The narrative is captivating, at times a little too diary style. But this is necessary to lead, the less reader of life experience, in to the reality of life.
A passage through heaven and hell on earth.
I recommend this to those who right fiction based on immature unreality.
Backed.
BK

This is an interesting read. Good to see the reality of homelessness and not the stereotypes.

Small quibble: I think your chapters are a bit too long.

Backed.
Elaine
(Long Lying Below)

At 6:25 pm, I told my hungry wife that I would start dinner in "just a minute -- I want to check out one more book".

Well, that book was "Tried", and here I am 45 minutes later writing you a comment while my wife's stomach screams at me.

"Tried" is not just a good read -- it's an important one. Full of humanity and heartbrake, hope and devastation. I, myself am a diehard satirist and humorist, but this book shook me out of my funny pants and told me to grow the f_ _ _ up, at least for 45 minutes.

I hope to see more soon.

Backed regardless.

Best,

-g



I would very much like to see more.

I got caught up in this story - felt a lot of pity for the narrator. Backed.

Hi Liam, thanks for sharing this with us. It was interesting.
Backed.
Best wishes, Barry
Little krisna and the Bihar Boys

Liam,

"Tried" is very intense yet compelling. I think you will do very well with your book as it is very authentic having lived it.

Barbara, Bryant Cove

Nice beginning. A little nit: "What seemed like an eternity" might be considered a cliche. Good writing. Very interesting situation.
F. Ellsworth Lockwood
"The Final Cruise"

Nice beginning. A little nit: "What seemed like an eternity might be considered a cliche. Good writing. Very interesting situation.
F. Ellsworth Lockwood
"The Final Cruise"

Hi Liam

Backed for your truth and honesty. I t takes a special kind of person to go through tough times like you and then share them with other people.
Sarah. T-cup and the Dream Team Fairies

It's interesting how the opening chapters remind of how precarious our fates are and that those who may enjoy the comfort of a job or the cosiness of a family can, through a single disaster, find their lives like the narrator's, without money or choices.
And then we see that the poor are sometimes treated patronisingly which makes it so hard not to get into a cycle of bitterness that only rebounds to marginalise the victim out of the mainstream all the more.
This is a moving story, through which glimmers of sunshine sometimes try to escape in a wry wit, but it could also be an affirmation of the instinct not to be town trodden but to triumph.

Backed
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

Very absorbing story. You have an easy, natural writing style and a fascinating story to tell with it. On my shelf.

Excellent story and very good writing..The plot is thick and makes me want more. Backed with pleasure.


Rubedo (God's Vacation)

Okay, where do I start? Obviously you have a story, your own, sort of a Of Mice and Men for the modern age? Well then, two things, ask yourself what you want to tell your reader, what do they NEED to know, you recite so many extraneous details that slow the pace down. Also, show not tell, you say 'ugly' city or 'scruffy' clothes, this gives us no picture: pitted asphalt, broken windows, hissing vents ... or ... old, worn clothes. You have something good here, read Of Mice and Men, Steinbeck discusses loneliness, desperation, friendship, the American dream, racism and sexism all in one hundred pages. What IDEAS do you wish to discuss? Backed by Brammers. The Kingdom Within.

Wow! I want to read the rest. Good Luck. Backed. A. K. May RED ROVER, RED ROVER

You write on many levels simultaneously and it must have been dificult to put on paper your semi-account on what went on in your life. Your work is well written, well paced and your use of imagery is excellent. Backed.

Cheers,
Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

[Tried]
You pull the reader right into your story: well done.

I loved your first chapters. Backed.

Peter
(A Shadow In A Shady Country)

Liam, I was so touched by your pitch..... It just drew me in..... I felt the connection of expression through the good the bad, and the extreme... It is a story that I personally can relate too, therefore I am but a small fish in a big pond, imagine how the world will receive it..... You must be published.....
I wish you all the very best in the world.
Helen

Hi thanks for backing my book, ive gotten through a few chapters of yours and I will keep going. It isnt too fast paced so it is easy to absorb what is happening and i love the way it is written. The pacing can get a little slow in places though, but overall a good read!

Hi Liam

Really enjoyed what i`ve read so far, it isn`t a fast paced read but it is an emotive read, it`s also well written and well conceived, I felt that you knew exactly where the character was heading. Look forward to reading more, happily backed.

Good luck
Cerys (Gabriel)

Gripping tale! Backed, and best of luck with it.

Amy
Love Match

This is a great read. You have the makings of a movie for sure. Spiff it up, as I say, (and I'm doing to my own), and please, your pitch left me breathless because there are no breaks. It's a lot to digest and would be more compelling if broken down a little. Also, gadz, don't end the pitch with a sentence! I will be back to read more of course, because you do have me hooked!

all the best
sue
Fate's Chastening

Love the narration. I feel there. Language is poetic and detailed. Beautiful
Backed.
Ellen (Thoughts of a Teenage Girl)

Needs a little edit BUT bags of promise!!
Backed with pleasure! Good Luck!!
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of Sicilian Shadows) for a further possible backing of your book
Could you also have a read (if you haven't done so) of 'Moonbeam Highway' by Tim Chambers, a wonderful book that at present sits on the Ed's desk.