The Sacred Oath

Finally got round to our read/swop.
From reading the beginning I was hooked onto your character Angelina. I like her honesty, she is intelligent and self aware, she's doesn't always fit in but does her best and needs to be true to herself. 'It smells like werewolves,' is my favourite line. It has a steady pace with a lot of information telling us about a culture, probably most of us know nothing about, that for me is a strong point. I am going to read on to find out how the story unfolds but will back it happily now. I cant crit because I could find noting to crit about!
Christina
From Under the Bed

You are on my list to read for The fun chart and I am so glad I found you there. This is really enjoyable. I like the ideas behind it, I like the changes of pov from one character to another and I love some of the dialogue...any book where a mother can say "It smells like werewolves" with the same slightly wirried tone that another might say "It smells like the bin needs emptying" has my vote.
The wiccan ideas mixed with the native american ones, plus the mix you've given it all is a winner for me.

Now, this is my kind of story! I've only read the first few chapters and decided to back it. The dialogue flows very well as does the pacing. A perfect story for a YA audience. I can't wait to finish reading! Good luck!
Tina
(Undesirable Circumstances)

You kindly admired my work and I in turn must offer admiration for yours. It takes you so little time to paint an evocative picture of the world you have created here and you share every brushstroke with the reader.
The preface, so well written, sets the scene for your amazing imagination to carry us along with every nuance and word into the realms of fantasy aand fact. Both are woven seamlessly into your narrative.
North American history fascinates many of us and the world of the Wiccan very old and enduring, in this story you offer us both and so much more.
A fine story perfectly executed. My pleasure to back. Margaret.

The preface was excellent - eerie and full of suspense to draw the interest of any reader. Then comes the wonderful first person narration in the next few chapters. I though this was nicely done and getting to know the characters through their own dialogue and narration works very well. This not only has a great plot, but it is well thought out and the complex plot is portrayed in a very easy to follow manner. Wonderful writing and the narration is well balanced with the interesting dialogue.
Backed and happy to comment.
Rakhi (Sir William...)

Sacred Oath is fast-moving and smoothly written, and should go over well with young readers looking for paranormal romance. On the whole the voices of the various narrators are distinctive and believable, though there are a few word usages that felt off (Angelina saying that the monster's eyes were 'devoid of emotion' seemed a bit academic for such a tense moment) . Dasan misuses a couple of words - 'railed' usually means ranting against or at something, not physically attacking, and 'tremor' is a noun, the verb is 'trembled' - but that could be put down to his voice.
In the opening chapters you might want to reduce the amount of explanation from both Angelina and Dasan. I got a bit lost in the chronology of Angelina's family and its travels, and at first thought the dialogue in the car was part of a flashback. Most of that information seems to come out naturally in dialogue later, so why overload your reader in the start? I'm also a bit dubious about the prologue. While it is ominous, it seems to try too hard and I question whether it adds anything to the story. Other than that, I'd rate this above Twilight for pace and characterisation.

Firstly congrats on your publishing deal. I can see why you got that. This is a very well written piece and one I'm sure that will definitely appeal to your target audience. I've read to chapter two and enjoyed it immensely. Seeing as you have obviously polished this I don't have any constructive editing advice. The story has a good pace and the characters are engaging. I wish you all the best with this, and will add it to my watchlist so I can read more, and maybe find it on the bookshelf of my local book store to finish it. Best of luck, Jacoba Dorothy

AWESOME Angelina and Dasan are soooo cute!!

ooo i love this i'm only on chapter 2 and if i wasn't so tired i'd keep reading. it reminds me of faith hunters books which i love. i'll be back to read more and comment more :D jules x

P.S LOVED THIS

HEY CAN ANYONE TELL ME WHERE I COULD PURCHASE THIS BOOK EXCEPT FROM AMAZON.... THANK YOU

I really like your use of the narrative voice. It allows you to explore a whole array of feelings, thoughts and emmotions and you do it well. I also like your preface with The Angel of Death. I think that it perfectly sets the tone for the balance of your book and engages the reader immediately. Your work is character rich, I especially like how you build Angelina, your dialogue is crisp and your imaginative writing ensures that your work will have a broad appeal with the YA audience. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Backed. Very different from the normal girl meets boy and fights supernatural creatures normally found in this genre but I liked the cultural aspects thrown in from American Indian lore. Very spiffy dialogue as well. Good luck.

Shelved, with pleasure.

Carol

This is really good. Ironically, your preface is very similar to my own. I love a good sci fi with all the traditional critters.

Backed and good luck

Natalie

You have a strong sense of your own identity as a writer...engaging and interesting to begin with...wish you the best of luck with it...backed for now
Stewart

Hi D.C,

An interesting concoction, playing on the different elements of the supernatural; wicca, werewolves and so forth. It's becoming a popular play now. The first chapter was very heavy with the family background, who's a werewolf from Germany, who's wicca and who's Native American which dampens the air of mystery. There's a lot of detail, the stage is being set Stanislavski style to make the audience believe. Good luck with your series.

onaya3

DC, your preface was gripping enough to sweep me into chapter one. Good job on both sections.

Shelved with pleasure.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

This isn't something I would usually read (I'm more of a non-fiction or historical fiction fan) but I found it well written and engaging, so happy to back!

Karen
The Kid: A True Story of Cocaine, Corruption, Deceit and Betrayal

Hi :) I was attracted to reading The Sacred Oath after reading your pitch which mentions the Book of Raziel which is a great interest of mine. I enjoyed the opening scenes involving Lilith and it's good to see a novel portraying paganism as what it is rather than vilifying the practice. There is a definite tinge of Twilight-ness to proceedings so far but I imagine this story will begin to take a more mature turn as it develops. I'm off to read some more :)

Michael
The Stone of Selves

Cracker of an opening.

I found the beginning of this story extremely interesting with the Angel of Death, and then Angelina takes it in a completely direction, but the element of mystery doesn't fade. Great story!

I’m new to Authonomy, and I need your help. The Red Serpent is a fast paced thriller and it’s waiting for your comment/backing.
I will return all reads and will give an immediate swap read.
Thank you so much
Larry Merris
I am reading your book, love the premise and also your research, we've crossed paths on the research part, especially with the angel Raziel, on my watch list as I read, also thank you for your comment on my book,

read some more of this beast and I have to tell you its really well writen! I enjoyed the story, although the strange indian names were a bit wierd for me since I am not used to them and didn't know exaclty how to pronounce them in my head hahah. I pictured Angelina as a hot Apache, the green eyes helped lol ^^

Hi D.C.
Sorry it’s taken a while to get back to you. Thanks for your comments on First & Only. The spelling of organization with a ‘z’ is a UK variation, but you are spot on with your comments about commas. I’m never entirely sure how to use them. I will go over those chapters again with your comments in mind.

I have only had chance to take a brief look at your book, Sacred Oath. I like the overall tone very much, particularly your preface. However, I think it is a little confused. In the first few sentences we have... ‘I am... I came... the woman is...’ Having read it through a few times I see that there isn’t a problem with tense, but the view point and tense appear to shift around. The sequence of events and the action also seem a little confused. ‘I came’, should read I have come for example.

Later I got a little confused over who was in the house. There is a man, a woman with strawberry-blonde hair, a boy and a little girl (the gifted one), right?

Then we have the angel reacting to her name being called before the reader hears it. This doesn’t scan very well and it is also unclear as to who is calling. At first I thought it was the man who was calling and it wasn’t clear whose name he was calling. Yes the reader can quickly unravel it, but perhaps it could flow more smoothly.

I found the sentence that starts, ‘I am not one that is prayed to...’ was a little clumsy. Then there was the end sentence. The man rushing towards the angel, ‘and for this he would pay’. That sounds a bit harsh when presumably he is only rushing forward to try and save his son.

However, the biggest problem I have with this short piece is the tone of the angel’s voice. I think writing ‘ethereal’ creatures is something that people often get wrong (although there is a very subtle difference between what sounds right and what does not). Most people humanise the otherworldy creature by inappropriate use of language like ‘cheery’ and ‘mad’, and by shortening words like it’s. As a rule I would suggest you use ‘it is’ or ‘she will’ and only shorten when the full version sounds particularly awkward.
I also thought the emotions of the angel were a little too human. ‘I don’t get mad. I get revenge’. And... ‘every once in a while I get the thrill...’ As an angel of death I would think taking lives and evening the scales would be an every day occurrence.
BLACKHEART - I get what you're saying, however, once you get into the story, you find out who this person/angel is. She was actually human before becoming an angel, gaining that title by marrying an evil angel.

Hi D.C.
Sorry it’s taken a while to get back to you. Thanks for your comments on First & Only. The spelling of organization with a ‘z’ is a UK variation, but you are spot on with your comments about commas. I’m never entirely sure how to use them. I will go over those chapters again with your comments in mind.

I have only had chance to take a brief look at your book, Sacred Oath. I like the overall tone very much, particularly your preface. However, I think it is a little confused. In the first few sentences we have... ‘I am... I came... the woman is...’ Having read it through a few times I see that there isn’t a problem with tense, but the view point and tense appear to shift around. The sequence of events and the action also seem a little confused. ‘I came’, should read I have come for example.

Later I got a little confused over who was in the house. There is a man, a woman with strawberry-blonde hair, a boy and a little girl (the gifted one), right?

Then we have the angel reacting to her name being called before the reader hears it. This doesn’t scan very well and it is also unclear as to who is calling. At first I thought it was the man who was calling and it wasn’t clear whose name he was calling. Yes the reader can quickly unravel it, but perhaps it could flow more smoothly.

I found the sentence that starts, ‘I am not one that is prayed to...’ was a little clumsy. Then there was the end sentence. The man rushing towards the angel, ‘and for this he would pay’. That sounds a bit harsh when presumably he is only rushing forward to try and save his son.

However, the biggest problem I have with this short piece is the tone of the angel’s voice. I think writing ‘ethereal’ creatures is something that people often get wrong (although there is a very subtle difference between what sounds right and what does not). Most people humanise the otherworldy creature by inappropriate use of language like ‘cheery’ and ‘mad’, and by shortening words like it’s. As a rule I would suggest you use ‘it is’ or ‘she will’ and only shorten when the full version sounds particularly awkward.
I also thought the emotions of the angel were a little too human. ‘I don’t get mad. I get revenge’. And... ‘every once in a while I get the thrill...’ As an angel of death I would think taking lives and evening the scales would be an every day occurrence.

I am sorry for taking this piece apart so thoroughly, it’s probably because I liked it so much. However, I don’t like people who criticise without offering an alternative, so I have taken the liberty of rewriting the piece to illustrate what I mean. I hope you find something useful in there...

Yours
Blackheart


Pitch black dead of night, the perfect time for an Angel of Death to make her move; to bring her own darkness into the world of man. You pitiful mortals, you do not welcome me into your lives. You do not pray to me, as you do to Raphael and Gabriel. Indeed you would rather I did not exist at all.

And yet, for all your fear, you can not hide.

Tonight I come to seal a pact... a life for a life. The strawberry-haired woman is so wrapped up in happiness she has forgotten all about me. So be it. She will remember soon enough and then she will cry. My poor sentimental little mortals, you always cry. Secure in the illusion of your petty lives, you crumble in the face of loss. But you know nothing. I have known the loss of worlds, the death stars, and still I do not cry. I am death and tonight I am come here, to the forests of New Mexico, to steal away a life. One life in payment for another, born in a state of Grace.

The boy is sleeping, but he cries out when I take him in my arms. With a flash of anxiety I glance to the corner of the room, but the ‘gifted’ child does not stir. I am safe. The father wakes and rises from his chair, but he will never catch me. I will go as I came, by the river.

As I move out onto the water I can hear the man coming, but then a woman’s voice calls out.

‘Lilith, no!’

Struck at the sound of my name I turn. It is the strawberry-haired woman, standing on the bank, her face a picture of anguish. I stare at her as the man plunges into the water, flailing to keep his balance. In a voice made powerful with grief he calls down a curse upon me.

And for this, he will pay.

Finally got round to our read/swop.
From reading the beginning I was hooked onto your character Angelina. I like her honesty, she is intelligent and self aware, she's doesn't always fit in but does her best and needs to be true to herself. 'It smells like werewolves,' is my favourite line. It has a steady pace with a lot of information telling us about a culture, probably most of us know nothing about, that for me is a strong point. I am going to read on to find out how the story unfolds but will back it happily now. I cant crit because I could find noting to crit about!
Christina
From Under the Bed

Hi D. C., I wondered at the Death Angel in the prologue, whether she a part of the story or of the mythology? The narrator was immersing, her background and the settings told in a caring way. The mythology from her mother’s side was fascinating! I liked the way the boy at Circus World came in a startling way to the reader too. And then his POV reiterating bring the beginning chapters into a double dimension. These are captivating characters and haunting with the animal mythology! Easily shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

DC, really riveting stuff. The voices sound authentic and great detail.
Going to read more...I'm hooked!
Backed!

DCG The Sacred Oath deserves everyone's attention for its splendidly competent writing and unusual subject. Well done! Backed by Balepy (Freckles the Fawn)

I love this! It has a phenominal start and it's definitely a keeper on my bookshelf for awhile :)
Thanks for the tips and comments on my book. I wasn't really looking to market for the YA audience anyway(I was told by someone of my aquanitance that it would make a good story for teens...not so much for adults *yeah right!*) so it's no hardship to switch young adult to fantasy :D I'll be back for more and good luck with the publishing company! Fingers crossed for you and put me down for a copy :)
Hugs <3
Rachel F.
(Redemption)

Not my total genre to start with but none the less I have to back you for sheer craft and superb writing. Seemingly effortless and very precise in tone and quality. The very best of wishes and good luck with your novel.

Ciao

Richard

Great introductions to Angelina and Dasan and real atmosphere about this (prologue too!). I've really enjoyed it. On the shelf. ps. message to follow.

This is a really good story so far. I've only read the first two chapters, but I like what I've read. It's interesting, and I like your characters, especially Angelina's mother. She just sounds like fun. :)

Nothing very critical to point out. I noted a few typos here and there, but my biggest nitpick is that when Angelina says "Mom", even though she's addressing her by proper name/title, there are many times when it isn't capitalized as it should be, but others when it is. You may want to go through and capitalize the ones that need it.

Other than that, excellent job.

You are on my list to read for The fun chart and I am so glad I found you there. This is really enjoyable. I like the ideas behind it, I like the changes of pov from one character to another and I love some of the dialogue...any book where a mother can say "It smells like werewolves" with the same slightly wirried tone that another might say "It smells like the bin needs emptying" has my vote.
The wiccan ideas mixed with the native american ones, plus the mix you've given it all is a winner for me.

Good storyline. It moves quickly and interested me right away. The only nit-pick I really saw is that you sometimes slip into present tense. Like ... Mom looks at me more sternly. But that was it. Really well written. Shelved.

Amanda

dialogue good, chapter 13 especially, going on a manhunt, well written and backed John Warren Lasting Images, please review. jw

What a brilliant story. Totally engaged from the start. You have a great character in Angelina, but what really surprised me was the humour, this is really, really (one for luck) really good.

Very intriguing premise- all of the elements YA's tend to look for in one and it's seriously hard to put down! Backed!

Brittany
My Last Notes

Loved this! Great opening and a good hook. I'm going to pass this along to my daughter--she a big reader of YA and this is her kind of book, as well.

Donna Burgess (Darklands)

Way to go D.C. Your book is #1. Can't wait to read more of your books. Keep on writing...........

Thank you, thank you! I am very excited! SO glad to see other people enjoying my story as much as I do...
:)
Write On! :)

Way to go D.C. Your book is #1. Can't wait to read more of your books. Keep on writing...........

Drew me in and kept me entertained, quickly setting up the scene. I love where the mom walks up sniffing and says, 'smells like werewolves' like it's an every day happening. Wish I had a mom like that. Great writing. Already backed. Good luck.
Jenny

This is well written. Whether it has sufficient merit above many others of this genre to make it stand out is less certain. I am happy to back for promise, however, Colin

Really enjoyed this book..look forward to more by this author!!

Now, this is my kind of story! I've only read the first few chapters and decided to back it. The dialogue flows very well as does the pacing. A perfect story for a YA audience. I can't wait to finish reading! Good luck!
Tina
(Undesirable Circumstances)

DC -- Loved your prologue; I felt drawn in immediately to the story, and its promise carried through. Your dialogue is excellent, as well. Thank you for the opportunity to read your story, and for your kindness in commenting on The Long Black Veil.

This book is very good. It keeps me wanting to read more. I am a hard person to read a book. It really has to keep my attention. This book did that the whole time. I enjoyed reading this book very much. Look forward to reading more. :o)

This is brilliant! Can I truly say more? Of course...

This is full of creativity and suspence. You know exactly how to draw the reader in, and keep them entertained. I love the characters, love the premise, the dialogue reads smoothly and is believable. This is great stuff. I plan to come back for more later.

Kristin
Demon in the Knight

This is quite good. Your prologue intrigued me, and the hook at the end of chapter one makes me want to keep reading. There is some editing needed, for instance, it's 'dragged one dusty tennis shoe,' and there are some things that could be trimmed down. You put a lot of information into the first few paragraphs. I think most of it could be conveyed more effectively with flashbacks or dialogue. Only my opinion, of course.
I'm backing this because the story is a good one, and you do write well.
-Libby

I have only one thought...and of course you can do what you will with this thought. I am a Christian--but one who loves fantasy genre. I love Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings and I read Twilight (notice that I didn't say I love it LOL). But for me it is all fantasy and fantatisical--no reality. I love your writing and would happily accept a fantasy sort of witch--but find the pagan/wiccan element more difficult because that steps into reality. I guess what I am trying to say is it feels like you are mixing the reality and the fantasy elements where Iwould prefer the pure fantasy. I just wonder if you will limit your readership if you mix in other real religious elements instead of sticking to a pure fantasy story. Just a thought..ignore me ...my children all do. LOL
Barbara

Answer - I understand what you're saying. But in reality, Harry Potter's "magic" is rooted in truth, but presented as fantasy in that, no real "witch" can do those things. As you read on into my story, you will find I've presented it the same way. I've just updated it for the modern teen. Hope that helps! :)

Well DC, You write beautifully. This story carries a richness that matches the story-line very well. I found your preface so captivating- and then as we come into chapter one and realise that the preface explains to us the death of the father and baby brother is brill!

I have only one thought...and of course you can do what you will with this thought. I am a Christian--but one who loves fantasy genre. I love Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings and I read Twilight (notice that I didn't say I love it LOL). But for me it is all fantasy and fantatisical--no reality. I love your writing and would happily accept a fantasy sort of witch--but find the pagan/wiccan element more difficult because that steps into reality. I guess what I am trying to say is it feels like you are mixing the reality and the fantasy elements where Iwould prefer the pure fantasy. I just wonder if you will limit your readership if you mix in other real religious elements instead of sticking to a pure fantasy story. Just a thought..ignore me ...my children all do. LOL
Barbara

Great introduction, full of horror and suspense. One thing i found didn't work for me was the first sentence. It seemed to be written in third person, but then the rest of the paragraph is in 1st person. Shouldn't it be the Angel of death describing what type of night it is? E.g something like, "It's a pitch black night in New Mexico and it's the best time for me to make my move. I the angel of death.... or something like that but maybe better ;)
And in some biblical references Lilith is supposed to be the first woman before Eve, she was made for Adam. She rejected him because she saw herself as his equal and she did not want to submit to him. Later she became a demon. Not that I've looked it up or anything!
Anyway so Lilith is in my book too which is why I'm so fascinated with yours as i can't help but be curiouse to see what direction you've gone with that character. That name can have some very big connotations if you let it.

Deloris Collins

Dark Souls

Hello, Deloris! To clarify that opening sentence: It is the same Lilith you refer to. In Jewish belief, Lilith married Samhiel, the Angel of Death, which by proxy, also made her one. She is believed, though, to be the one who claims babies and small children (used to explain cribdeath, etc. in early times), hence the reason she takes Rowan. After reading on her, I felt she was one who would be egotistical enough to refer to herself in the third person when it comes to her position, to remind herself of her power. Hope that helps!

Great introduction, full of horror and suspense. One thing i found didn't work for me was the first sentence. It seemed to be written in third person, but then the rest of the paragraph is in 1st person. Shouldn't it be the Angel of death describing what type of night it is? E.g something like, "It's a pitch black night in New Mexico and it's the best time for me to make my move. I the angel of death.... or something like that but maybe better ;)

Anyway I love the mystery of your prologue, I think it's a great start to the book. Who is this Angel of death? Is she like the Grim Reaper, and whats the bargain she has made that leads to the death of a child and his father? This is clearly a page turner for me.

And in some biblical references Lilith is supposed to be the first woman before Eve, she was made for Adam. She rejected him because she saw herself as his equal and she did not want to submit to him. Later she became a demon. Not that I've looked it up or anything!
Anyway so Lilith is in my book too which is why I'm so fascinated with yours as i can't help but be curiouse to see what direction you've gone with that character. That name can have some very big connotations if you let it.

The sacred oath has great descriptions. I love how you describe each character. Your pacing is good and your writing interesting and it all flows togeather well.
I also noticed you'd used the word imprinting in your pitch. Is that the same as Stephanie Meyers meaning of the word? Like what Jacob and the other werewolves do?

A fascinating read, definetly backed.

Deloris Collins

Dark Souls

You kindly admired my work and I in turn must offer admiration for yours. It takes you so little time to paint an evocative picture of the world you have created here and you share every brushstroke with the reader.
The preface, so well written, sets the scene for your amazing imagination to carry us along with every nuance and word into the realms of fantasy aand fact. Both are woven seamlessly into your narrative.
North American history fascinates many of us and the world of the Wiccan very old and enduring, in this story you offer us both and so much more.
A fine story perfectly executed. My pleasure to back. Margaret.