Necrolysis

Man, that Martha is one messed up nut job, and that's the nicest thing I could think to say. Are we going to find out how she got this way? I hope you're not going to leave those years she was missing hanging... Anyway, there were a few typos in the new chapters but I was too busy reading to note the locations. I love the pace, it really keeps me on the edge of my seat. This is a great story Crispy.

Tru

VERY STRONG OPENING PARAGRAPH!
Good how you put the dates so I know when this is, and how far you go back when you start recapping history.

Fantastic plunge into the future and into this world you created. Good suspense. I like the intensity of your writing. I have read enough to know this is GOOD STUFF, but lack time to write more to you. I will come back and read more later. Maybe 2day or 2mo. I have an appointment to dash away to. Sorry.
Gina

Chapter 1 (revised)

Always happy for a return to the resorption chair!
The changes you made are POWERFUL, dynamic, and at the same time sensitive to your characters. Bravo, Crispy, bravo!
Shelved. And when available, I'm buying this.

Holy crap. This is made of awesome. You're backed, baby. Wow.

Nice flowing prose easy on the reader, good tense action. I completely lost track of time reading it.

Enjoyed this. Great prose, lots of action, drama and fast pace with credible dialogue driving the plot forward.

Backed with pleasure.

Katy..

My main thing in looking at books - because there are so many and so little time - is generally how readable they are. I found the writing to be quite good, there are a few places where the rhythm needs adjusting (makes the writing sing) but otherwise fine. I enjoy the techno talk, gives realism to sci fi. Backed.
Cheers, B. Cameron Lee (Diary of a Serial Killer)

superb premise and an apt subject considering the advances these days. It also raises more issues as, do clones have souls which would make them free thinking and responsible for their own actions. See, you already have me thinking about the consequences and who's to blame for what. Good job.

The font was very hard to read--the only thing that stopped me from reading more. Off to a very good start. Watch out with your dialogue punctuation though. This may help: http://rebecca-hamilton.com/?p=14

xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

Crispy, you have a great storyline. The premise is strong; the pace is steady and characterizations compelling. I really like the plot and the writing is good. You have a flair for building tension that explodes off the page, and the action propels the story forward.
Great storytelling
Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

ARISE, AUTHONOMY GHOST!

Ease those weary, withered limbs from your coffin. Push away the stone from the mouth of the tomb.

You have one last task to perform. One last, sacred shelf to confer.

Whether you were plugger, spammer, gusher or troll, whether you flirted or fought in the forum or beavered away in the shadows, now is the time for your resurrection.

One last time. Marshall your strength, muster the last vestiges of your power and carry out your final Authonomy act:

Back my book, MIRROR IN THE SKY.

Then, only then, you may rest easy in your Authonomy grave.

Nick Poole2 (formerly known as NickP)

Hi Crispy Sea!

I came across your book through the forum and decided to check it out. I was thrilled at how gripping this is! This is a scary sci-fi thriller. Your dialogue is edgy, sucking the reader into the intrigue. And I love how you make use of the short segments, military time and locations - really breaks the scenes up. Great stuff - on my shelf!

Kim
Invisible Justice

Perfect, 'not-to-distant-future' sci-fi. The best kind. It's written well too ;-)

Andrew

Read the first chapter Crispy. Had me engaged from the start.
Fantastic!

Hi,

I liked the style this was written in, a la countdown - I think it's perfect for the piece. You have an easy style of writing in general, and I was thoroughly impressed at your ability to merge the sci-fi elements into the story, without it feeling like an add-on, afterthought, or even a chore for the reader.

I've only read the first chapter, but I think this is very well done, so I'm backing it.

All the best,

Craig

I was drawn in straight away and thoroughly enjoyed reading this. The descriptions made for easy visualisation, especially the 'dentists chair', lovely! On my shelf. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

firstly great name,,,,and then what a vivid opening...unconventional and brave...looking forward to discovering more...

Ok Crispy. Here we go... Long first chapter. But still gripping throughout. The opening is just brilliant - not just the fact that we now know the inevitable conclusion; the unavoidable FATE of mankind, but that we know the date. It starts a ticking in the mind like a countdown, that you then immediately back up with the constant references to the time. The idea is that we are now on a road with a set destination, and we cannot turn away. Very nice.

The whole gore and guts of the dissection scenario are well portrayed - almost factual rather than reveling in the imagery - given the clinical nature of the plot, this obviously makes sense, but there is something much more macabre about the slow and systematic mutilation of someone, than the slash and dash of a would be murderer, for example.

Chapter 2 is another long one. The sexuality at the end of Chpt 1 felt a little brutal somehow - not that the act was, but the motivation behind it seems particularly cold. The nice play out in Chpt 2 is that I feel the dialogue is following on from this theme. There is a nice contrast between the matter-of-factness and the horror of what is happening / about to happen. As a Welshman I am obviously thrilled to see any movement of key plot to the Homeland!

Nice interjection into the top of Chp 4. Fair play Crispy, I could go on with this all day. It is a really well balanced piece of writing. I love the whole concept and the way it plays out. I've seen you're a Herbert fan, and I too have read almost all of his stuff. There are clear comparisons here in writing style - the violence and horror with the interjection of sexuality; the strength of the characters, and that feel that comes from British Horror - it is of a softer and quieter pace than Barker, or Koontz. Softly softly, but often dealing with close nit characters in a big concept. I would put money on you having this penned as a screen play somewhere, or at least you have thought about locations and settings. It is staged with the "24" feel about it - a series in the vain of Survivors, which ironically for its British feel the Americans would love.

This is on the shelf. Love it. Would buy it. Without question a great book that I unashamedly have bumped up my WL because a) I like these kind of books, so I have decided to read what I like for once!, and b) I heard you were taking this down. Very glad to have read it if that is the case. Jason.

Hi Crispy.

A warning. I dipped directly into Chapter 13.

Some Notes:

In Sci-Fi, they say, don’t emphasise the fantastic, make it mundane. Hence I would drop the quotations around Vegyburger and things like that. Make all facets of your strange world normal to the reader by not showing them up as “remarkable”to the character.

I keep reading that publishers hate bad grammar – period. Hence “I arrive at the Heliport, checked the screens.” might impart urgency and ‘pace-y-ness’ but then so would the inclusion of “and”.

Contrasting Delaware’s ill complexion against his age seems ‘coarse’, the fact that he might be older than 45 shouldn’t be a clue to why he looks ill. So using ‘or’ produces an unrelated connection between the two things. Perhaps “and” would read better and still impart the two salient facts; he isn’t well and he’s been lying about his age. Both are true and both are not mutually exclusive.

“…huge, ‘bulldog’, now not so green jowls”. I wouldn’t use quotes to stress a simile. The use of a negative and alliteration as a description made it hard work to deconstruct the image you were trying to convey.

Rest reads fine. The interlude the childhood was good and helped to give rationale as to how their present developed socially. Sounds like quite a complex world you are creating. It’s nice that even their past is our future. This wouldn’t be a branch of sci-fi that would interest me personally – more of a Bradbury man myself, but you seem to be getting rave reviews for it. I’m glad you nailed it for the core audience.

Hope you don’t think I was being a bit nitpicky. Just that a random dip like this doesn’t allow me to comment on development, just style and wording and suchlike

I appreciated your early welcome when I signed on so I wanted to reciprocate by taking a look at the work.

Mike

Man, that Martha is one messed up nut job, and that's the nicest thing I could think to say. Are we going to find out how she got this way? I hope you're not going to leave those years she was missing hanging... Anyway, there were a few typos in the new chapters but I was too busy reading to note the locations. I love the pace, it really keeps me on the edge of my seat. This is a great story Crispy.

Tru

Very well done. I like this. I will shelf it.

Hey Crispy, I read over your story and think the science looks fine, at least insofar as one can in a sci-fi novel. I've got to give you props on one major point that a lot of sci-fi writers don't do: details. You told us what all these futuristic techs are, given us a history lesson of sorts (though more would be interesting) and gave us a sense of where this is all taking place. A lot of authors I've read don't tell you any of this stuff and the story ends up being confusing. Kudos to you.

My only point of possible contention was the flying table at the beginning of chapter 4. "Buckminsterfullerene" is a geometric sphere of carbon molecules and is quite heavy, and vacuums don't provide thrust, they just suck. The genetics seemed okay, though I'm not too sure about just dumping a powder in to genetically modify something. That's about it on that front.

One question: have you ever read "The Hades Factor" by Robert Ludlum? If not, I would suggest that you do. It's about the head of a pharmaceutical company planning to infect most of the world in order to sell them the cure. Might give you some ideas or make you want to change some stuff. Also, I'm not sure how the cloning murders fits in with this, but the viral conspiracy seems like enough to propel the story on its own.

Pertaining to nitpicking, "innoculation" has 2 n's, and in chapter 1, it should be "byproduct"

I tried to do one of these viral-apocalypse stories myself once and was informed that these kind are a dime-a-dozen. There's a slew of them out there and you have to make yourself really special in order to stand out. I think this could do well with a couple of tweaks, mainly around the length. Some parts go by too quickly, while others take too long. Overall, though, it's a really good book. Good luck!

--Jonathan

Crispy - no criticism this time, I was too into it to notice if there were any rough spots. One thought though-it would be nice to cut back to Martha again every once in a while, to help balance the story. You had a scene with her right after Em and Dieter took off, but we haven't actually seen her since then, and that was like 5 years ago (book time). Perhaps you have a plan and all will become clear in time.
Tru

I find the world weaving very complex. This is not an easy read by any means. Not that you haven't told it smoothly but that I have to pay attention to what os going on. You don;r want to miss anything! Very detailed. Strong characters. Really glad to be reading this one.

Gina

VERY STRONG OPENING PARAGRAPH!
Good how you put the dates so I know when this is, and how far you go back when you start recapping history.

Fantastic plunge into the future and into this world you created. Good suspense. I like the intensity of your writing. I have read enough to know this is GOOD STUFF, but lack time to write more to you. I will come back and read more later. Maybe 2day or 2mo. I have an appointment to dash away to. Sorry.
Gina

Crispy,

Loved the new chapters! The pace continues to move along quickly, and I find Oak to a very likable character. Two sentences in the new chapters interrupted the flow for me though.
Ch 10: On many previous occasions I'd sat in the station's garden, admiring the microbes light show, it was soothing, even cathartic or, been stunned by the engineering achievement of the dome nearly a kilometer underground, or transfixed by the varied dance of the maintenance robots.

Ch 13: He'd drunk most of the bottle and was wiping his lips and huge 'bulldog', now not so green, jowls with a handkerchief.
I think a little tweaking would make them flow better.

Eagerly awaiting more,
Tru

I like the way it starts - a warning in a diary form, but as it flashes back (second entry on) it's not really a diary. Still it works insofar as you can see the time elasping. I love the premise of your book and you have an engaging style. At times I stopped and thought, what is ACV or FSN - but you don't get carried away with confusing terms and it doesn't slow down the flow of the prose. Well done.

Hi Crispy. From what I have read so far, we share an interest in genetic manipulation of our species. That's a good start.
I'm sorry, but I do not like stories that start with someone waking in the wee hours to answer a call. It's probably because I have done the same in the past, but whenever a character is dragged out of sleep at 3 am for a phone call my eyeballs roll back. But that's just me...

I don't think describing her skin as 'chocolate' will go down well with potential publishers. My female hero in my novel 'Telo' is also black, and I was told by a publisher that describing her skin colour as 'milk chocolate' was not on. Political correctness gone overboard? Maybe.

The infodump about the personal communications unit is unnecessary. You can more cunningly describe it as the PSC is actually being used. Too may sci-fi stories get carried away with the technology. Remember that your characters grew up with PCSs so to them they're just part of everyday. Therefore, the PCS should be slightly out of focus, in the background, like mobile (cell) phones are now to us. If you want to describe one, a new model has just been released and your character is showing his to a friend. "Have you seen these new iphones? Not only do they read your mind but they also pick your nose ... etc"

'Telomeraise' is spelled telomerase.

The sex scene is well written and it allows us to investigate more fully the relationship between the characters. I liked that it wasn't a perfect love scene, instead it took place in a seedy motel and Emerald was so troubled that she couldn't finish. Dieter's response tells us a lot about how the couple interact.

That's the first chapter, unfortunately all I have time for now. I am intrigued and looking forward to reading more, not least because it shares some scarily similar ideas to my story.

Crispy,

My apologies for my criticism of your punctuation. Patty has set me straight on the difference between American conventions and those used in the UK and Australia. But where is the rest of the book? I would love to read it, in fact not knowing how it ends is driving me crazy.

Ok, I read the whole thing so far, which says something in itself. I like the story, I like the characters, and I want more...but man, I really think you need someone to proofread for you. There are a few minor grammatical errors but a whole lot of punctuation issues. In a lot of places, especially towards the beginning, there are run-on sentences. And I really don't like that you use single apostrophes for quotation marks AND for indicating abbreviations in nicknames. It gets confusing. So chase down a nerd from the English department to polish this up for you, because I want to see it in print!

Hi, just had a look at this. It's fast paced and i didn't really take any notes, other than the fact that i liked the Car! The timing/dating headings are rather lost on me, because my memories too bad for me to remember what the last one was, but it doesn't matter much. I didn't really notice any typos. The dismemberment scene was effectively grotesque.

Oh, i think it's normal practise to put a comma before or after a character's name in speech, but i'm not sure if it's actually a hard and fast grammatical rule...

I think my main quibble is with Emerald's character, actually. Somehow i didn't seem to be getting a proper feel for it. I've read your relatively long, action filled first chapter and i don't feel i know her much more than when she got up to answer the phone at the beginning...

Anyway, i think there's an awful lot of potential here, so good luck with it!

Crisry: I like its immediacy and movement. Like to get your take on The Black Garden. More later, John

Hi Crispy, I like the "24" hour feel to it. Keeps things in place. I think the action is fast paced and the details are good. I would rethink the sex scene. I know they are hard to write, I have several in mine as well, but they need to make sense. I think that you are trying to go for the release of stress/fear/pent up what ever but it came off as flat and kind of skimmed. Then to have him think to himself that he knew there was something wrong, but he didn't stop her, well I think that's kind of not what you want your character to be like. Other than the sex I think it was going well and I'll try to get back for more. Linda

Wow to go my good friend. I have not read the book yet, but the information looks wonderful. This is the kind of thing I like to read.

Chapter 1 (revised)

Always happy for a return to the resorption chair!
The changes you made are POWERFUL, dynamic, and at the same time sensitive to your characters. Bravo, Crispy, bravo!
Shelved. And when available, I'm buying this.

Hi there Crispy Sea. That’s an interesting name, shall I assume it’s a pen name?

Anyway, popped by to have a read of Necrolysis since you’re in my genre, and we thrillers ACTUALLY SEEM TO BE A MINORITY compared to genres like YA. Which is bizarre.

So I’ve been on this site for a while and there’s always been heated debate here about prologues. Some love them, some hate them. Some people actually refuse to read them and warn that agencies would too. And with only ten thousand words to suck an agent in, I can see why they wouldn’t be interested in false starts.

Because a prologue is essentially a false start, an aside. And, personally, the best advice I can give is to use a prologue to whet the reader’s appetite without giving out any vital information.

You do this in yours but then again you technically have THREE PROLOGUES. And these particular three prologues are disjointed enough that I’d argue you only need the first one. Especially because that’s the most sensationalist, and like I say all you want to do at this point is get people to commit to reading the first chapter.

This is compounded by the fact you have chapter one on the same page as the prologue. If anyone were to strictly adhere to skipping prologues, AS SOME DO, they would skip the whole entry and wind up missing chapter one without knowing it. And that would be confusing, so I’d split them apart next time you upload (cautionary note: if your book every drops below 10k words, the site deletes all your shelves, so be careful messing with chapter one unless there’s plenty more content on here)

Anyway, this time skipping theme of yours works well by and large, much better in the body text because it isn’t working to establish the scene. The rest of your style is to my liking as well. You write down of thoughts as italics. Your use of the semi-colon is BETTER than mine. I didn’t really learn how to use them until recently so my hat’s off to you there. Even if you use them an awful lot...

I would say, though, that you need more commas, though this is perhaps a personal thing. I would use them in phrases that have a lot of long words for the reader to get over. Here are some examples of lines that could use them:
“The silver double-helix Holisticorp logo…”
“…by the distant half-silhouetted hills…”
“Blood from the massive trauma ran down his abdomen matting…”

…actually this is only an issue in chapter one and then you mysteriously overcome this issue! Well as far as chapter four anyway.

And speaking of that last example. Man that’s gore! You’re sick! Chopping a family to pieces! :)

And Ganj Kings…. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

It’s a good story, shows a lot of promise, and I’m especially glad it took Em so long to get over the gory scene she witnessed. Because her hang-ups are our hang-ups. Makes her more real to me.

You’re shelved!

Chris

Crispy-

At last, I come to the anticipated Necrolysis! It has been on my watchlist for a while. My critique is brief as there is little to criticize. Below are some thoughts...

-"She felt polluted, sick and needed to not." I get it, but the sentence jarred me out of the smooth ride... reminded me I was reading words instead of drawing in a captivating flow of events.

-The sex scene with Emerald and Dieter made me stop reading and really think for a while. Emerald has just been through a horrifying experience, so I understand her desire for sex. It is a perfectly natural (and psychologically documented) phenomenon during times of intense stress. No matter how much weed or rum may have loosened her inhibitions, I think a big reason for her wanting Dieter is the security he brings. The pleasure of the sex may be a distant second to her desire for closeness, comfort. And if she is having trouble forcing the horror from her mind, she is not likely to orgasm.
Your descriptions here are excellent ("...feral groan of relief..."), yet their graphic quality became, for this reader, an invasion of their intimacy-- like I was standing in the room when she was most vulnerable. Instead of showing me the act of their union, I'd prefer you showed me the effect it has on Emerald emotionally, psychologically. Where she has been tough, independent, capable throughout the story thus far, we see her now terrified, desperate, needy. That vulnerability makes me concerned for her, makes her real and human to me, yet that delicate mood is easily trampled by explicit sexual detail.
-"The transport-6 you saw leaving was..." Was it a transport-6 or transport-8?

In sum, I'm in. There is ample to feed the senses. Surreal and horrifying with tidy bits of wonderful technology that are already in development. (I'm sure BMW will be the first to offer Car.) :)
Some folks have commented that there is too much of an info dump? I don't see it, or maybe you edited since they commented. Each detail, I felt, added clarity to my vision of this world. I'm also into techie things, so you had an eager audience.
Your writing style is economical, yet carries great weight. I found myself flowing quickly from moment to moment, not seeing words, but absorbing information straight off the page.
When it comes to lovescenes, well, that's tricky. Everyone has their own threshold for what is deemed inappropriate/indecent/offensive/explicit/pornographic. So long as each word is having the desired effect, go for it.
-Allen

expectin to see this in print any time now!

Hi Crispy. Been a bit of a sci-fi day for me so far, so this fits in with my Monday reading and is a strong story at heart with plenty of interest and should tap into quite a few contemporary fears, which is always good. My main concern with what I've read so far is that there's a little too much pre-story setup - I hesitate to call it hype, because it's not that blatant or over-egged, but it is of a similar species. It's the same sort of thing that's in your pitch, for example: much better to cut the preamble there and start your pitch at 'The end of cancer, increased lifespan etc... Is any of this possible? Is any of it even advisable?' Or something like that. Then you're opening is reasonable, but with core ideas this good at the heart of your novel, you owe it to the story to kick off with something that really grabs the reader by the throat. What you have here is too gentle and by tailing your introductory line with, 'the future, such as it is!' it somehow renders what should be a seriously doom and gloom opening as something relatively trivial. It's almost too conversational, coming from a 'last Survivor' and I also think it'd be more dramatic to save that revelation - that he's the 'last Survivor' till the end of this opening intro. When we move to the reporting of the fault, you've got the drama right, but the language seems simplified - I can't imagine a scientist referring to it as 'the anti-Cancer virus' - they'd most likely give it a designation of some kind, and then you'd have to reveal its nature in the course of the subsequent narrative. Which you do, in any case. Also, I'd be looking for a touch more scientific terminology when discussing the nature of the 'fault' - even if it would be over my head, I like to feel these people know what they're talking about. This level would in fact be perfect for a Doctor Who book, but your story is frankly better than that (although naturally I always strived to make my Doctor Who books good 'real' novels in their own right :-) ), so deserves the extra attention to detail. So in short I'd recommend working on the opening. Things settle down and move along nicely post Chapter 1, but of course in a novel we owe it to our stories to create a brilliant first impression. So otherwise, highly promising SF fare and, as I say, full of interest, I just think it needs a cleaner, sharper initial hook.

Quite imaginative Crispy and I am only through Chapter 2. I have watchlisted the book and I yhank you for your welcome.RT

Hi Crispy Sea,

Thanks for the welcome and thanks for a first great chapter. I'm also happy to back you at the moment, though I intend to be fairly fluid with my bookshelf.

Comments on the chapter:

In answer you your 'NEW LINE?' question . The answer is yes, definitely, because his answer has nothing to do with her and therefore should be a new paragraph. You do something similar in the last paragraph of the chapter where you should have his reply in a new paragraph.

You also need someone to give your text a thorough close reading as there were some miss-spellings and punctuation mistakes that I noticed. For example: Emerald's 'grown' of relief should of course be a 'groan' of relief.

Anyway, I'm off to put you on my bookshelf and I will get back to the story soon.

Hi Crispy Sea,

Thanks for the welcome and thanks for a first great chapter. I'm also happy to back you at the moment, though I intend to be fairly fluid with my bookshelf.

Comments on the chapter:

In answer you your 'NEW LINE?' question . The answer is yes, definitely, because his answer has nothing to do with her and therefore should be a new paragraph. You do something similar in the last paragraph of the chapter where you should have his reply in a new paragraph.

You also need someone to give your text a thorough close reading as there were some miss-spellings and punctuation mistakes that I noticed. For example: Emerald's 'grown' of relief should of course be a 'groan' of relief.

Anyway, I'm off to put you on my bookshelf and I will get back to the story soon.

Hey, I've only read the one chapter as I feel that's enough for my tastes. I see this working a lot better as a video game, or as a CGI film than a novel at the moment. You have the action and the sex for those two, arguably for a novel too, although I think you either need to cut it out or work on it as it feels clumsy to read. The sex scene that is.

You started quite well, introducing your characters nicely but very quickly the style changed. You stopped letting the story unfold as it wanted and started to tell it. I was no longer finding things out but being lectured about them, which made me tire of your story. A shame as I liked what I'd seen of the idea.

Also suggest a proof read, a few typo's dotted here and there.

One thing that did niggle the most at me, was when Emerald is talking to the guards at her office. You make her seem, cheeky. It isn't a bad thing to make your characters accessible to your readers, but I think you'd do better with this kind of story to start her out as distant. You paint her to start with, as a very strong capable woman. I think, as you've made it open to all media's, that she should remain independent until after she realises what's going on.

Sorry I didn't read more.

Great detail.....moves fast! Well worth the read.

Lockjaw

Wow, this level of fast paced powerful content is what most books save for the end as a climax, if you'll excuse the pun LOL, and this is only chapter one of Necrolysis!
Reading and backing every word of this one, well done Crispy!

Holy crap. This is made of awesome. You're backed, baby. Wow.

Hi Crispy.
Here I am, as promised...and waiting for more.
Hugely enjoyable although I do agree a little with Patty about the 'info dump'...it reminded me, in places, of 'Doc' Smith, bless 'im!
Not comical but terrifyingly descriptive and I'm in agreement with JAK in regard to the dissection. Eurgh!
Only one point I'd like to make, from my point of view, is the way D learns of what is going on from Em. I had to go back to discover when she had actually told him; it got kind of lost amongst the sex and sobbing. Maybe try and seperate it a little, clarify the telling in someway?
Up on the shelf my friend, this deserves a wider audience.
Good luck - and let me know if you ptu more up and I'll be there like a shot!
Max

Intriguing.

Watchlisted pending a clearer head.

Crispy,

Here are some comments.

I like this. It's well-written, and there is lots going on. Good tension, too. Just some minor comments here.

If you can, you might want to move or disperse some of the infodumps you have here.

I don't know that we need the paragraph describing where Emerald was born,since you cover this aspect later in the chapter in a much more elegant manner.

I think you might want to consider removing some of the paragraphs that sound like a running ad for future technology. Maybe the descriptions are a bit concentrated, but I found the section where Emerald goes into the building with all her gadgetry a bit comical, and I don't think it's intended to be. There's just so much equipment described all at once, that it reminded me of some comic-SF novels I've read, where this sort of description was added as a joke.

You might also want to change your pitch. In my opinion, it suffers from rhetorical-question-overkill. I'd just reword some of the sentences so they're not questions.

Otherwise, I like this. I'm putting this on my shelf for a bit.

I'm caught up in this story and want more - need to have all those questions answered that are running through my head after reading all three chapters. May I say the dentist chairs incident was for me fabulously horrific. Putting you on my watch list for now.

Hi Crispy, have just finished your offering. I like the concept of your story - your pitch drew me in. Usually when one reads a story about the future there are flying cars, which there well might be, and lots of other ridiculous ideas, but Necrolysis seems so much different. It is an intelligent way of looking at the not too distant future and, who knows, you may well be right. We won't be around to find out, will we?
I don't think I'd like to be the Smithson family though. You have created some terrifying images and I just wonder what Emerald is going to do with this information. She obviously teams up with Martha because they are still working together 69 years later. I hope you post more chapters, but be very careful when you do. Make sure you upload enough so's when you do an edit at any time there are always minimum 10K words left visible of your book. Presently you only have 13,000+ words up here so increase this with another 2 chaps at least and then if you do need to edit, just take down 1 chap at a time to do so.
This is very well written and appealing and I have shelved you temporarily to give it a well deserved boost. I am swapping by bookshelf around quite a bit today just to catch up on stories I've read. Thanks for the read, Jim.

Friday night revelers heading on to the clubs on Sunday, what a party that must be. I found the first chapter very engaging and move along at a good pace that kept me reading on. If this were a book i was reading I'm sure that I would find it hard to put down.

Well this is looking good!
On the Watchlist for mid-week reading.
Max

Hi Crispy,
You have completely frazzled my brain with this! It's way out of my usual reading but i can see clearly that you know about your material, have thought through every detail and care passionately about your themes. It is horribly powerful writing but that is exactly as you mean it to be- and i suspect that you are introducing me to ideas of such signicance that I should take them very seriously indeed.
I think that what makes this portion (i've read the whole posting) so effective is that uou do not just care about what you are writning, you have a true author's ear for the language. I felt total confidence in your ability when i read 'long streak of unwashed spittle' and realised that you weren't going to take me into a world of futuristic cliches. Then in the horrific dissection scene you write a completely beautiful sentence: steam mushroomed from the chest cavity and drifted lazily through the pool of light.' The contrast between what you were saying and how you were saying it did so much to heighten the effect.
I really hope this does well on authonomy. I'm giving necrolysis time on my revolving bookshelf .

if you get time to look at SIm I'd be really grateful- when you get to the editors' desk you'll find that no-one reads you any more! It's really lonely. Actually i'd be particularly grateful for your views because I start mine in a dystopian tangential world - much , much milder than yours because it's YA and include threats about organ harvesting near the end.