This Way Out Please

I read your first chapter.

General comments: An addictive read. Chapter one hooked me straight away. Sam is a likable, sympathetic character. I care about how things will work out for her. Excellent use of deep point of view to flesh out Sam. Clever wit. Deft descriptions. An emotional rollercoaster. Smooth pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) The second sentence in the opening paragraph is a fragment. I had to reread it twice to understand it. Consider rewriting 'Once on paper, falling into ... ' to 'Once on paper, they fall into ... ' and inserting 'are' after 'therefore.'
2) ' ... that we all frequent of a Wednesday eve, ... ' 'Of' should be 'on.'
3) ' ... is now a thing of the past.' 'Is' should be 'are.'
4) ' ... (under 23's not included) and ... ' Spell out numbers 1-99. There are more cases where you should spell out numbers in this chapter.
5) 'At the very same time I realize its Matinee day and ... ' Its (possessive pronoun) should be it's (contraction for it is).
6) ' ... but it feels like it's just putting it's roots down and ... ' The second it's (contraction for it is) should be its (possessive pronoun).
7) 'It's 1:40am and I don't know if ... ' '1:40am' should be ' 1:40 a.m.' There is another case of this type of problem in this chapter.
8) 'Why, in Gods name, must we be bombarded with ... ' Gods (plural) should be God's (possessive).
9) 'Wow, you're gonna need a gastric band if you're not careful lady.' Comma after 'careful.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma.
10) 'My Niece Milly, ... ' 'Niece' should be lowercase. When a kinship term is modified (usually with a possessive pronoun), it becomes a common noun and is lowercase,

I hope these comments help you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for shelving "Savannah Oak."

Have a marvelous day.

Al

Hi Katie,
I enjoyed reading this and therefore didn’t find it difficult to read right through to the end. The narrator’s voice is believable and engaging – it’s written as Sam would think - but whilst the slang and colloquialisms work well, I struggled a little in accepting the actual grammatical errors were the character’s errors. Unless you have done this deliberately, the major area for correction is apostrophes – either one where there shouldn’t be one or not one where there should be.
In a couple of places there were (at the narrator’s own admission) large chunks of introspection which could benefit from being tightened up a bit but they were few and far between. There are many humorous moments and some great one liners.
And of course, it makes a nice change to read some ordinary day-to-day angst from a main character who is not either a teenager or a victim of abuse!
Best.

Kate

I've had this on my WL for ages, and all I can say is I'm so sorry it's taken so long for me to get to it. This is absolutely fantastic. Hilarious, real, great. You had me laughing out loud, with my OH thinking I'm a crazy person for laughing at the laptop, but I don't care. This is a book that would have me in stitches crammed on a packed tube, it's that good.

One liners are brilliant - the skin tag - laughing my proverbial ass off at that one.

Fantastic, I love it. Six well deserved stars and I will back soon

Silva

Hi Katie,

what a woman! Loved the style (Bridget Jones shaved of the fluff). A good thumping holiday read to entertain and titilate. Well done,

Kerry M
Her Soul To Keep

A very entertaining and absorbing read, with well-observed humour and a compelling, car-crash of an MC.

I like the conversational and non-pretentious writing style too: it's easy to read and the pace never lets up.

The use of language is clever too.

No serious crit to offer - there were a few one liners that didn't quite come off, but another one came along soon enough, so I forget which ones!

Backed.

Terry

have added to my watchlist...love the ddsecription of the day after well done!

You got my attention from the start and kept it, way to go! Definately a great read for chick-lit/romance enthusiasts.
Leslie Gervais
"Love Has No Borders

will add u to my BS a.s.a.p.

A brilliantly absorbing first chapter with a fabulous protagonist! Best wishes, Emily (Traps and Topaz)

Katie,

I've read seven chapters so far and am sure I will read the whole book - I can't stop. I'm not keen on reading books online, if that tells you anything.

I have laughed out loud the whole way through - enjoying myself completely with this read. You are a female Jack Kerouac only more enjoyable to read. The voice is great; your characters come into focus immediately; and the format works extremely well. The only thing I would consider changing is the title; I don't have a serious suggestion, but I'll think about it. Maybe something like: "Down And Out" (that's not great), but I'm thinking about a play on Orwell's title "Down And Out In Paris And London" which was, of course a very serious commentary on poverty and deplorable working conditions.

Anyway, you are on my bookshelf permanently, and since I think this book should be in print already, 6-stars. Hey, have you ever thought of reading portions of this at an open mic (I assume you have audience performances at pubs and the like there, right)? Best of luck with this one; I want a signed copy when it's published.

Dale

on my watchlist

I liked it. Honest, funny and not so sickly sweet as Bridget Jones. Hurray for Chick Lit that doesn't have a feckless heroine but someone real.
Caroline
x

You know, this takes me back 50 years. I always wondered what some of the girls I dated thought about me...hmmm. You have an honest delivery. Maybe not the best prose, but you write like you were thinking so that fits. One funny thing, I was enjoying what you wrote so much that I didn't take note of the things I usually look out for - technically. That's a good thing. Well done. My shelf is over committed right now, but you are on my WL.

I write in the first person, as you do. I would really appreciate it if you would look at a chapter or two of my book, A PLACE IN LIFE, and let me know what you think.

Thanks and good luck with your book.

Old Bob
A PLACE IN LIFE

This is funny! I love your writing style and humour. Backed for sure. Good luck with this!
Vall
Midwyf (please have a look when you have time)

Dear Katie,
This Way Out Please is amazing....... From your synopsis alone I would have no hesitation on buying this book had I seen it in a book store.
Backed with pleasure
Helen
The Last Dream

No need to write in all caps. Writing in all caps is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to determine what you mean with all caps. You don't want that to happen. Other than that, this is a well woven, brilliantly detailed romantic comedy. Clearly delineated, multi-faceted characters. Rich descriptions. Lively dialogue. Great humor. Engaging storyline. An enthralling read. Backed.

Hi - as mine has been classed as lid-lit by someone - not sure if I was offended - I thought I 'd have a look at how the girls do it. Like your self deprecating humour and sarcasm - quite similar style to mine, methinks.

The caps can be a little distracting - although, I know fashionable.

Good luck with it, and keep pushing, Rob (When...?)

Have a look at mine, will you? Shoot me down, please.

Katie,

You're right, this is chick-lit with balls. The diary approah might be like Briget Jones, but the attitude and realism take it a step further.

You have the voice and humour for the genre. Backed.

(Oh, one observation, near the end of chapter one you have "Decry's", which I think should be "decries".)

I love it, it great, should go far its so good, backed for sure

alison

Hi Katie,
this is great and very real and contemporary. Impressive stream-of-consciousness writing. I like it a lot and I don't usually like chick-lit!
Backed with pleasure (maybe twice),
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

writing first person Katie is sometimes difficult, you nailed it. congrats. real and flowing, easy read BACKED. please tak ethe time to read some of my book I would really appreciate it. and do comment

I've only read chapter one but I'm backing this now because I love it. I love Sam's voice and her way of describing things, and I love her stream-of-consciousness way of writing her diary - it all flows so naturally. I will keep reading, because it's just too good to put down. This is bound to be a huge success, and I wish you well with it.

Gail
NEW BEGINNINGS

Katie, your first chapter is very promising. Great first-person voice.

Sincerely backed.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

I quite like your book. I can relate to a lot of the first chapter and I love your voice in this. I also really like your writing style: It's very edgy and easy to continue to read. It flows. I'd like to read more of this.

Katie,

Excellant first person narrative. Natural flowing feel to your evocative style. Backed with pleaure!

January

You write depression well as she surly is, but the irony and humour rain through. Who hasn't had the toilet paper thing happen or the bedsheets for that matter they seem funny when happening to someone else.I like the way you have lid this out - sort of rambling. Its a keep up, as you go book - no huge plot to follow just witnessing someone hoping for a miracle. Good read.
Sue Mackender
Knowing Liam Riley

Backed this yesterday. Her anger and pain are understandable, her frustrations real, her rollercoaster a little steep. One comment I will make about works in this vein -- the ones that will stand out show the MC experiencing an epiphany, so that life is more than "get a man . . . shag anything that moves . . ." I only say this because a lot of writers are now focusing on the first-person shag-a-holic story, and eventually, the novelty wears off. But your MC is an actress, and the creative part of her life can make her a distinctive character with a multi-layered voice. Best of luck to you and P.S. you have a wonderful sense of humor. Marianne (Saint Paddy and the Sundial)

this has a very easy and natural feel to it. the first person always hads to the personal touch to a novel;- on watchlist...
su dan...read ;- SEASONS...

Eminently readable. Yes, other people's scars do make great stories and this is very London and very contemporary. Great title too. Wasabe might have been even worse in the sachet - who knows what would have happened then! --- Luk7

Hi Katie
I enjoyed this although I suspect I am not the target audience! I didn't like SATC but I did like Bridget Jones. I see what you have tried to achieve and I think it works. The narrator is a much more believable character than in most of these kinds of books. Excellent work
DP Walker
Five Dares

"Sex and the city without the glamour," you mean like real life then? Actually, the humor reminds me a bit of Absolutely Fabulous. This should BE a television series. I love the boozy, sarcastic narrator. I feel you don't have to be a woman to identify with her. There's something to make me laugh on every line, but I especially like the lists, the one beginning chapter four, and the Heartbroken/stess diet in chapter 6. The lists are hilarious.

Hi Katie,
A great opening chapter. I am still smiling. You develop your characters with a refreshing honesty - very believable. I feel like I now know what it is like to have a 'morning after' (never actually had one of those).

Jil Koller - Beyond Deception

Hi, Katie -- A fun first chapter! Sam's voice is realistic, perhaps especially when we sense the depths of her vulnerability and desperation. Genuinely appealing "chick" lit:) Thanks for the chance to read your work! Jand B - The Long Black Veil

Hi Katie, It zooms along like a diary with the regrets about Daniel, the conclusion of Gareth, and the Oscar night. The narrator voice is engaging and steeped in the world around her, pragmatic so that her thinking is solid, amusing, drawing one on. Even her work schedule interests because of her perception of it. I enjoyed this! Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Damn, she's a piece of work (LOL). It's like a sterotypical man turned into a woman. And let's just face it, such actions are so much more unappealing when done by a woman. Double standard? Of course. Anyway, this is a nice, fast paced read that's easy to get into and quite funny.

Backed and good luck
Natalie

This is not my favorite genre but after reading the pitch I had to take a closer look. Simply love it. Backed it with pleasure. J.B. Reed - Deadly Shamrocks

I usually loathe chick-lit (reading, not writing it) but this has me hooked.
I love the diary-style narrative and am still chuckling over the miso-soup condom incident!
Got to the end of chapter 2 so far and will be coming back for more.
Can very much relate...unfortunately!
Ashley - Ordinary Alice

Now, this is a great read. I'm not your typical 'Chick-Lit' fan but this is good fun. It seems more honest and raw than your average CL book and I have to say your dialogue sparkles.
Backed with Pleasure
Carl
The Time hUnters

This has some fantastically funny moments!!!!
I think this has intelligently thought out situation humour and told in such an entertaining way.
Wonder what it would read like if you kept it in Sam perspective, thinking about the cat. I’m thinking of how the effect would have been if she had asked, rather than assuming she knew what the cat was thinking. It also encourages the reader to fill in gaps and claim some ownership of the story.
Can’t fault the plot and humour, it is very, very good. – Good luck with this.

Hi Katie, This is funny stuff. Miso soup mistaken for a condom...love it. I knew when I saw your cover I would like this book.

backed
Pamela Frost
aka scatteredfrost
Houses of Cards

Hello Katie. This is a diary with a difference. It is well written and really, really funny. I liked the way Sam kept contradicting herself, it made me read on as you never knew what she'd be think or deciding on the next entry. Best of luck with this and backed with pleasure! mariecapri (Cosmic Linx)

This Way Out Please
Katie Wimpenny

An exciting tragicomic tale well-told and nicely plotted. Highly individualistic style and I expect this to go very far. Happy to have given it a spin on my shelf.
Zan

Katie, smartly humorous. Backed with pleasure. CW (To Save the Sun)

This was awesome, I really enjoyed it. Very well written and a perfect 'escape' novel. Good luck with it!

Missy
Mark of Eternity

You have some very nice descriptions here as others have already pointed out, it certainly makes your story come to life.

A wonderful narrative voice makes this a must read.
Great work.
Happily shelved
Melxx
Impeding Justice

Hiya Katie, engaging stuff. great stream-of-conscious narration.
on my shelf.
i send only accolades, but here's a very picky minor thought:
in a few spots, you load up on question marks and exclamation points in a row. i get that they have a job to do - take us into the MC's head - but some editors/publishers might balk. you give the emotions with words, so maybe you don't need so many? i said it was picky. ;)
ok, enough minor stuff.
best wishes, andy

The first chapter is written very well...I ESPECIALLY loved your opening line...it's fantastic.

BACKED!
Aimee
His Pride, Her Prejudice

'Gloating and gyrating their svelte toned Bod's,' the delicacy of aliteration when contrasted with the content of 'fecking frustrating' and the, I think largely correct, observation that 'men prefer women to have a bit of meat on them', all combine to make this a delightfully irreverent and yet insightful perception of your characters.

This is vibrant, perceptive and refreshingly candid from the narrator's POV, who is sometimes endearing when self-effacing and almost lovable when angry.

Shelved.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

This is incredibly good and enjoyable. Your style and talent is superb and catches the reader at once.

Lovely!

Backed

The breezy voice, with some insight, works well for this genre. You keep the pace going, with just enough action or sticky situations to keep it going. Claustrophobia tends to set in when the reader is in someone's head too long. I hope you can avoid that with the rest of the book.
Good luck with your book.

Julie Farkas
Morning Call

I love both Sex and the City and Bridget Jones' Dairy - this works for me too! Sometimes real life and real language is just what the doctor ordered! BACKED -Elizabeth Wolfe (Memories of Glory)