The Summer Girl

You have captured Sean stunningly.
The way you engage the value shifts of that time of life and bring out the tensions/emotions through the first person narrative is brilliant!!!
You have left this hanging and if the rest is as good as the start you have something great developing. – Good luck

i love this story idea. Taps directly into my nostalgic life I never had but always wanted.
Happy to back. Please have a look at my work of non-fiction. Comment and back if you feel the inclination.
Best,
Christopher
Crossing The Line

Liked the begining of the story where Sean has to deal with all the high school problems - football, mean girlfriend, parties, drugs, etc. and then is thrown into a whole new environment of a small town that is dealing with drug dealers and the prospect of being flooded. Wanted to read more - what is the big deal about the girl he meets, what is going to happen between Sean and his Grandpa. Backed.

This was actually pretty awesome! I love what I've read and can almost hear a soundtrack of music playing as I read. You've mastered the first person, it's hard to do and sometimes it can be hard to read but you've done it! If I'd seen this in a store I would have bought this, it's exactly what I like to read! There are great characters and a great premise, everything works! Best of luck with this.

MIssy

Your pitch drew me right in, with is themes of bittersweet romance and family restrictions. And the first sentence sent chills through me. (though I might have worded it slightly differently "The frist time... should have been enough" or "feeling the knife... once should have been enough". Something about "the first time" and and "enough" doesn't quite work for me. But I'm picky, so feel free to ignore me!)
I wonder if you went into backstory too quickly. The second paragraph, after the excitement of the first, seems a bit bl and, a bit too much like you're really wanting us to know stuff. Let us discover it... I'm also not sure about having a dream so early on, before we've come to know or care about the character.
Bear in mind though that those are just the personal opinions of a fellow unpublished writer, so feel free to ignore anything that's not helpful!

I love your plot, as outlined in the pitch. A modern boy with modern problems, being sent to an old-fashioned place, to a mysterious grandfather who, I'm assuming, is going to set him straight and teach him a thing or two. But yet there's a tinge of great sadness too, with Sean's self-hurting practice and the angst he's experiencing. I thought this was very well written indeed; I definitely thought you captured the thoughts of a young adult. In fact, I think I would label this YA if I were you, because really most of the themes seem to apply to that genre. Very well done, minor editing issues here and there so keep re-reading and editing!

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

I'm in ch 4. Here are my notes:

doesn't drove=drive

first laying=lay

great image of grandpa

certain make=to make

probable=probably right

By the time we leave the dinner, the reader really like grandpa, the town, the people it--and doesn't care much for Sean.

There's tension with the town's survival at stake--a good plot point

You do such a good job of setting these people up. It happens effortlessly. With an illusion of objectivity.

You know Sean is going to change; you he's going to love the town and realize he's been a wanker

I see the love story too. But the other elements of plot are more interesting

The pitch drew me in and so I began to read. The pain that peeps through between the lines is tangible and it is to your credit I say between the lines. The first person does not lend itself to keeping the tissues away, and you do it with applomb. However for me the voice throughout did not strike the right note? There are places where the autvoice - as a young man - sounds contrived. Also the lanuage structure bears looking at as in "I had yelled" puts the pace back. Also would look at the longer paragraphes and trim, ruthlessly. Backed for potential.

The pitch drew me in and so I began to read. The pain that peeps through between the lines is tangible and it is to your credit I say between the lines. The first person does not lend itself to keeping the tissues away, and you do it with applomb. However for me the voice throughout did not strike the right note? There are places where the autvoice - as a young man - sounds contrived. Also the lanuage structure bears looking at as in "I had yelled" puts the pace back. Also would look at the longer paragraphes and trim, ruthlessly. Backed for potential.

Hi Shane, a powerful and gripping story you have penned here.
You start off your book with some excellent writing, vivid descriptions in the first paragraphs.
This draws the reader in to continue reading, fantastic stuff.
Would try to make better use of your short pitch though, so important to catch a publishers eye, don't waste the opportunity.
Brilliant read, enjoyed it Immensely. Pleased to rate it . RATED.

Kind regards,

Neville THE SECRETS OF THE FOREST - THE TIME ZONE.

Hi Shane,

A very powerful and disturbing opening that gets the book off to a great start. There is then a slight loss in momentum with back-story (that I also found a bit confusing), but once through this the character-based storyline really flows well. You capture adolescent angst extremely well. The dialogue works well too. Generally, very talented writing. The first person POV is also well crafted for this type of story.

So, lots to like.

In terms of nits there a few points I would mention.

I think ch 1 is too long and would work better if it were divided.
There are too many typos/words missing for a book of this high standard - it needs a thorough de-bug. I know they are minor but they bump the reader out of the story and are easily avoided.
I know the whole concept of a 'hook' is tricky with this type of story but I always like to see a few early 'sign-posts' as to where the bigger story is going. Otherwise it can just come across as a dramatised diary.

Overall an enjoyable and lively read.

Backed.

Terry

One of my characters in "Behind the Tears" self-harms to, so it was interesting to see your take on it. I also start off with my character cutting his thigh (it's on youwriteon if you want to have a look), but he is an older and very different character to yours and they have different reasons for cutting. Though, self-harmers are similar in that they get pleasure from cutting, the physical pain blocking out the emotional.

It's a tough topic to handle, but I think you do it with care, by focusing on Sean's feelings, and the stresses that he goes through with football, Heather, and life in general as a teenager.

All the best, Marita.

This is well written & although I feel some of the sentences are too short, it generally was an enjoyable read. Your descriptions are good & there is certainly plenty of variety to keep the reader interested - well done. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert: How mean is my Valley?)

Hi
very well written. Do I detect a tinge of Murikami here and there. Backed with pleasure.
Terry

A very good read and very well written.
Excellent pace throughout and vivid descriptions.
Backed,
Yuko Zen is Somewhere Else.

A very good read and very well written.
Excellent pace throughout and vivid descriptions.
Backed,
Yuko Zen is Somewhere Else.

Hi Shane, I promised a read swap and I've made a start. I've read chapter 1. I have to be up front and say I wouldn't normally read this genre, so I can't comment on things like commercialism. What I can say is the writing flows well, the characteristion of the main character builds well and the reader generally is engaged and wants to find out what happens next. I did find the chapter a bit long, but I think this is a personal preference thing. The writing quality is generally high, but there are a few issues I picked up. The first one is in the long pitch. He wouldn't be "Struck in a backwater town" would be "Stuck". "It did take long before I was able to drift off to sleep." Wasn't sure if this was deliberate and you meant "It took a long time before" or you meant to say "It didn't take a long time before." Then " Heather would miss moment of it." Was this meant to be "Heather would miss 'a' moment of it." Also "Which was adored with a shiny navel chain. " Should be "adorned"? and the last one I noticed "Let me know if it things get too rough for you." Seems the 'it' in that sentence is unecessary. These are minor things, but tend to stand out because the rest is well written. I will take a crack at another chapter or so later this week. I hope you find this as helpful as I intend it to be.
If you get a chance, love for you to take a look at the first chapter of BOUNDARY LIMIT?
Regards,
Xavier

I read the first two chapters. The story is flat, awkward, and almost dull, a perfect reflection of its main character, Fitzroy. Fitzroy, a teenage boy manges to continue walking through the story in spite of having to confront what to most of his peers would be devastating events. He loses his place on the football team, his girlfriend desires sex, he doesn't, and shortly thereafter she leaves him for someone else. His actions with peers grow increasingly more awkward. And everyday he seems to lose yet another thing that once helped to define his life. Self inflicted wounds are soothing and a thumbtack jambed under the arm has the calming effect of a sleeping pill. Fitzroy is suffering on the inside, and rapidly heading for alienation. And this reader is sitting on the edge of his seat waiting for something to break or someone to enter fitzroy's life and change him forever.

A brilliant portrayal of a deeply troubled, teenaged boy.

Great writing introduces the reader to the soul of a character, and lets him walk in that character's shoes. Kennedy has succeeded in doing just that.

Backed
Scorselo

Shane,
Interesting to see it from the male point of view. Chapters really long but full of intensity and teenage angst.
Very well written
enjoyed all 4.
:)
Diane

Hi Shane, I've now had a chance to read the first chapter of "The Summer Girl," and I'm quite impressed with the writing. The character of Sean is well drawn, and the strained relationship with Heather is plausible, revealing his pride in not coming clean about the football incident and his indecision about breaking with her. These are typical teen concerns, and they'll resonate with youthful readers and those who recall their own youth. I'll back your novel on the strength of these positive impressions and return to read more. How are you coming with "The Doctor of Summitville"? --Best wishes, Bill

Great storyline, writiing, title and everything else. I think it has appeal for both sexes.

Brilliant.

Suz

The synopsis to The Summer Girl draws the reader into this emotionally compelling and romantic narrative. I love what I have read so far and look forward to seeing the complete work. Backed with enthusiasm.

A powerfully dramatic story. Plausable characters. Excellent character development. Great blend of dialogue, narrative and action. Awesome plot. Backed.

Dear Shane Kennedy,

Ouch...the opening's not for the faint hearted, but you write a powerful story. If I were seventeen again, I'd hide under the bed and wait for it to be over.

Best wishes with Summer Girl and backed

GK Stritch
CBGB Was My High School

This really is a bitter-sweet story. From Sean's self-harming and his growing-up pains at school and with Heather, to the time spent with his grandfather. Your writing flows and is very readable with great descriptions and strong characters, especially Sean. Backed with pleasure earlier. Lynne, Brooklyn Bridge.

This is a rivetting read, and well crafted. Very believeable characters, and a good pace. Backed with pleasure. Colin

Shane,

Your story intrigues me in so many ways and even though I am commenting I want to read alot more. First of all, I have sorked and been exposed and presented with the cases of several cutters, but never a male. Granted, I did not believe that males were exempt. I think like many areas of emotional and /mental issues it is often hidden and overlooked. Therefore, I applaud you for bringing this issue out and shedding some light.
You have characterized Sean extremely well. You appear to have a great deal of knowledge and have written about it masterfully. Again, I am extremely impressed and I want to read more.
I feel this book has serious marketability and I hope it reaches publication. There are alot of cutters out there and alot of families secretly trying to deal with it. Personally, I would point this out to publishers with some statistics. I know there is more to the story, but the areas I have worked in this is an important and understated problem. I have read a couple of other books about mostly famous females and I found them to be a bit superficial. You have gone on the inside and as I read on I am anxious to discover What Sean's future holds.
Good Luck, Shane. Fabulous gripping work. It is a courageous subject.
Sammy Sutton
King Solomon's '13'

Shane,

You certainly don't pull any punches with your opening scene. The strong impact this has on the reader really sets your story up well, and acts as a fantastic hook. Anyone who reads those opening few lines will want to read on. Backed up by solid characterization, and some crisp dialogue, this is a very promising start. More than happy give you a run on my shelf.

Regards

NA 'A Red Sky in Morning' & 'Tales of Ordinary Sadness'

Shane,

I've only read the first chapter, but Sean is developing nicely as a character (if not as a person), the way he doesn't realise why he's alienating his friends is well done.

Backed.

You are totally fantastic, Shane! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my 2 memoir books? :)
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :)

Dear Shane

I started reading this book awhile ago and have just finished my read. Though I have already commented and backed this book i just want to say GREAT book. When I looked I could not find the backing so I am taking the time to back it again , I do hope this time it shows.
The VERY best of luck with this
Denise
The Letter

Dear Shane, I got so excited when I saw that you had backed, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not." :) Thanks so very much. :) Since I have already backed your book, I will put your book on my watchlist. Could you please take a moment to back my completed unedited memoir version, "Tell Me True Love Stories?" I'd be ever so grateful. :) Thank you. :) Love, Susie :)
authonomy quote: "Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs."
Here is the response I received from authonomy concerning backing:
When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved."

Hi Shane, The outset is strong and drew me in although I had read it before. I went to Chapter 3 and liked the development, the girls with their cat faces and the cat-headed woman dream attributed to the candy. The dialogue feels very real and the trip to the grandfather’s really heightens the story early on with the dam being built and how Sean’s father feels about him. Found two typos: “I don’t except (expect) you to understand.” and marijuana. I think the target age would get very involved with this story. Shelved again – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

'I'm really enjoying this - it's a powerful story and you have us right there from the very beginning. I wish you every success with this.
Joanna Carter
Fossil Farm

i love this story idea. Taps directly into my nostalgic life I never had but always wanted.
Happy to back. Please have a look at my work of non-fiction. Comment and back if you feel the inclination.
Best,
Christopher
Crossing The Line

A powerful opening with a convincing description of the chaotic edginess that torments some teenager's lives, in this case driving him to use self-harm as a cure. The words 'started with a stupid pigskin', hook us straight into what follows. Hard blow with the demotion from the squad. 'He was being unfair, pushing me too hard', self-deception even though Sean knows he's in the wrong. 'Hotter than Georgia asphalt in the summer', neat phrase, but an awkward situation, 'her kisses kept landing like punches'. His father is unfair after the Heather incident, but Sean doesn't ... can't explain ... famous last words; he does explain, bluntly. Later he's starting to make sense to himself; it's just the conclusion that he comes to that is crazy, 'the Candy Man'. Roid rage is going to do him a lot of good.

The complex psychology is very well handled, Shane, in this character study of a confused young man. There's some exceptional writing (that's why I've been ultra picky with my suggestions below) and a gradually unfolding plot that the reader wants to follow to a quieter place where Sean can find his real self and maybe a real relationship ... backed.

Possible nits: 'Her intentions remained a mystery to me', omit 'to me'. 'I hadn't suffered a visit from', omit 'cat-headed woman' and just use 'her', to reduce repetition. 'he was a like philosopher', omit 'like'. 'all that she ... All I knew ... by all accounts'. Watch out for the phrase, 'you have to realize', both the coach and his father use it, and then Sean says 'My father didn't realize it'. 'hearing her say that she said...' I'd lose this sentence. 'my head began to pound ... I pounded'. 'I wasn't even sure I like[d] her'.

I wanted to comment on this one yesterday, bt with my ever challenging wi-fi access, well it just didn't happen. You have a good read going here. You set this up in a way that sucks the reader in and no one is going to complain about that. There did seem to be times where both the narrative and dialogue felt off or unnatural. No enough to worry about, but maybe something to keep an eye on if you go back to do further edits.

Lockjaw

High School was a terrifying experience filled with joy, fear, accomplishments, and things you wish you could take back or change. You captured the emotion of that time in chapter one. Great read and a great start to this book. Good luck. Remember to read December Gold. I would appreciate your comments.

That's a really lovely pitch, Shane, straightforward and concise.
The first person narrative is my favourite because it gives scope for emotion and reflection in the characters and you do this very well through Sean. He's an excellent character, a plot in himself. Backed. Lynn

Liked the begining of the story where Sean has to deal with all the high school problems - football, mean girlfriend, parties, drugs, etc. and then is thrown into a whole new environment of a small town that is dealing with drug dealers and the prospect of being flooded. Wanted to read more - what is the big deal about the girl he meets, what is going to happen between Sean and his Grandpa. Backed.

I loved the essence of this story. You've certainly stacked the pressures against you. I wouldn't call this an original idea, stories of the connection between grandson and grandfather when there is problems with the father are not uncommon, so it's a good job that you are such a fine writer. Your astute observations and delivery of your characters and plot all add to making this a very solid read.
Hope the rest of the book continues in this quality.
Backed
David
Bailey of the Saints

Backed.

You have captured Sean stunningly.
The way you engage the value shifts of that time of life and bring out the tensions/emotions through the first person narrative is brilliant!!!
You have left this hanging and if the rest is as good as the start you have something great developing. – Good luck

The Summer Girl
Shane Kennedy

Backed a day or two ago Shane and only just had time to dip further in. Your short pitch, "Every boy deserves a summer girl" is interesting. Didn't know what to think after reading it, so it piqued my curiosity. Your long pitch explained much and I expected much drama to come. Was not disappointed at all. I expect this would be very welcome also by a YA readership. It confronts themes and issues which are worthwhile and your writing style is more than adequate. Good stuff and a pleasure supporting it.

Dear Shane --

The issue of cutting is not dealt with enough in literature despite its being a widespread issue, and that you bring attention to it with a male character impressed us even more. But there is more to Sean than this expression of his inner turmoil, and you build his psychological arc with authentic precision in the chapters you have posted here. We look forward to reading more and delving into the specifics of his relationships with his father and grandfather.

One suggestion: in the opening, you convey Sean's increasing agitation well, but then you repeat the phrase "Placing the edge of the knife against my flesh, the promise of impending ecstasy was overpowering..." it loses some of its power. Consider showing us how Sean feels the second time -- is the knife edge cold? Does his body tremble or does just having the knife bring him some relief from the tension? You have great powers of description, and we know that you can make us feel what Sean is feeling. Also, consider a hard edit for punctuation issues; though they do not detract from the power of The Summer Girl, correcting them will add polish to your book.

Backed for the promise of this story and its nuanced exploration of Sean's character. -- Delhui, The Long Black Veil

Hi Shane, Great job with a hard topic. I love that the MC is a guy. People often think of cutters as female,and Sean is likeable and believable. Into sports had a girlfriend did decent in school so you present the reader with food for thought of the preconceived notions.

The voice and inner dialogue of Sean draws us right into the story and immediaely we have an emotional connection. Your descriptive writing and pace are good and you build the momentum well.

Nice cliffhanger, this is unfolding nicely. Backed with pleasure Patricia aka Columbia Layers of the Heart

Hi Shane, An immersing first person narrative because of the impulse to self-destruction. The dialogue is really good and especially the adult dialogue, the coach and teacher and father. Sean's thoughts about football and Heather feel private and are very interesting to follow. You’ve made what would seem a typical teenager into a person with second-thoughts. Happy to shelve – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

SUMMER GIRL
This is a good story. You have a good main character in Shane. He’s instantly likable because his coach sends him back to the practice team. He’s sympathetic because he’s so emotionally involved he picks up that butcher knife. A reader can tell he needs a change of scene; made me look forward to what will happen when he settles into his grandfather’s house. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

This was actually pretty awesome! I love what I've read and can almost hear a soundtrack of music playing as I read. You've mastered the first person, it's hard to do and sometimes it can be hard to read but you've done it! If I'd seen this in a store I would have bought this, it's exactly what I like to read! There are great characters and a great premise, everything works! Best of luck with this.

MIssy

Hi Shane
A great start. I loved your MC - you helped us empathise with him immediately and draw us to find out more about his and his family's past. You've managed to use the first person POV well. The story is fast paced and intriguing and I would love to find out how things work out for Sean. Backed.
DP Walker
Five Dares

A wonderful story, engaging and gripping, as well as poignant. Instantly we're pulled in by your protagonist. We want to know what drives him and what will become of him with his grandfather. This is fairly well-polished, too, which is always a good start. The occasional error crept in, but these did nothing to overshadow the premise.

Brilliant work!
Abi xxx

In the pitch - Mybe give me a little cle who these ghosts are

In the pitch - Mybe give me a little cle who these ghosts are

Shane, four chapters and more please. The story is well written with good story line colourful characters, and the flow is easy. You kept my interest and I feel sure all will end like a true love story happy ever after. BACKED by me. I would really appreciate you reading some of my book and if you can make comments that would be great. BEST of luck Shane

Denise