Book Jacket

 

rank 1371
word count 26925
date submitted 04.05.2010
date updated 15.06.2011
genres: Fiction
classification: moderate
incomplete

The Summer Girl

Shane Kennedy

Every boy deserves a summer girl.

 

What if you could be seventeen again? Would you want to go back to that one place, that one time, with that one person?

The Summer Girl tells the story of Sean Fitzroy, an emotionally fragile seventeen year-old trying to find a balance between his father’s ambitions and his own yearnings. Caught in an act of self-harm, he is packed off during the summer to stay with his grandfather, a war vet who is considered a pariah within the family.

Stuck in a backwater town without essentials such as Facebook or Text messaging, Sean encounters Lisa, a strong-willed girl who chafes at the restrictiveness of her own family. Together they form a bond that blossoms into a bittersweet romance which helps Sean to confront his grandfather over the ghosts of his past and to challenge his father’s expectations.

 
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tags

boy meets girl, coming of age, fish out of water, football, romance, small town

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THE FIRST TIME THE EDGE OF THE STEAK KNIFE DRAGGED across the inner part of my thigh should have been enough. It wasn’t. I needed to hurt myself again and swore this would be the last time. A quick bandage job and no one would be the wiser. The first cut had driven away the horrifying sensation, but the next cut would bring a rewarding euphoria. Haste was a necessity because the blood from the gash was dripping down my leg and onto my pajamas and would find its way on to my bed sheets if I wasn’t careful. Placing the edge of the knife against my flesh, the promise of impending ecstasy was overpowering.

 

It started out as a night where all I did was gawk at the ceiling. I tried everything from counting sheep to turning my pillow over and over, but thoughts about football and Heather and everything kept jumbling together in my mind. I wondered whether it was worth bothering to sleep when I’d only have to wake-up anyway. Sliding out from under my damp bed sheets, I sat at my desk to watch my angel fish chase each other around in their tank. Ordinarily, this would settle my nerves since my fish don't make demands on me.

Zoning out, my mind was completely blank when abruptly the tense and jumpy sensation in my head started up, far worse than during my party or at the Halloween dance. It hadn’t been this intense before and it was torturous. I tried to concentrate on something - the mirror in my room, anything – the clock on my wall, to stop the sensation, but instead began to feel jumpy. I knew of only one way to make it stop. I stepped to my door and gently cracked it open, in the off-chance that anyone was watching, and looked at the three white doors leading to the other bedrooms. They maintained their steady vigils against the light in the hallway. Satisfied I was the only one awake at this hour; I made my way as quietly as could be managed to the kitchen. Rather then risk turning on the large florescent fixture, I used the small light from the stove’s overhead fan while rummaging around in one of the drawers. It didn’t take long until I was retracing my steps. Hearing a noise at the landing, I paused long enough to be certain it was my imagination and checked the large white doors again before entering my room. I didn’t realize it, but I made the mistake of failing to close my door completely.

Hanging off the edge of my bed, the sensation surged to the point where it had the same audible effect as hearing a quintet of untuned violins clash all at once.

I brought the knife down on my leg …

 

Nothing compares to one of her visits.

It was the night before the first football game of the season when she decided to enter my dreams. Once again, I was running down the stairs of my parents’ house and came to a stop - at the bottom of the steps was a woman with a white cat’s head. She remained motionless while watching me with her great, green eyes. Her intentions remained a mystery to me because the dream’s intensity pulled me, sweating and choking, from my sleep.

Crawling free from my bed sheets, I sat at my desk to watch my angel fish glide in their translucent otherworld. Lately I’d been feeling lonely and unhappy. Knowing that something sharp could offer me a release from the burden of those emotions, I felt the fleshy part of my left hand, but I was determined not to give into an appalling habit and instead focused on my fish. Once my nerves settled, I reflected on why the cat-headed woman haunted my dreams, but an explanation eluded me. I hadn’t suffered a visit from the cat-headed woman since the eighth grade and the dream troubled me, not since it involved a chimera, but because this particular dream served as a harbinger that something was about to go wrong. Shortly after her last visit, my grandma passed away. Eventually, dragged down by exhaustion, I climbed back into bed.

It was her visit that changed things for me. True to her nature, the cat-headed woman was trying to warn me that I was to undergo one of those life-altering experiences that I was still too young to understand. Some big shot, he was a like philosopher or something, once said that the events that shape your life are always hinged to some little, insignificant incident. For me, and I realize this might seem implausible, that little incident started with a stupid pigskin.

 

Everyone stared as that football spiraled through the air with me moving farther and farther towards the end zone. I had tilted my shoulder to watch as it lost momentum and drifted down from the heavens where moments earlier it had been floating after Rocky Como the god had thrown it. Extending my arms, my fingers gripped the ball and I was running with it securely curled under my arm and nothing but green field ahead of me. Intoxicated with the thought that I was about to score, I got the idea into my head to carry the ball into the end-zone torch style. I raised the ball in the air with one hand when it slipped free. It bounced ahead of me as I was clobbered by my tail and sent sprawling to the turf. An opposing player recovered the ball and carried it away from the touchdown that had been guaranteed to me. It would have been easy to get back into the game, but that would have left me open to the wrath of my teammates. Instead I faked injury and stayed on my elbows and knees and waited. Soon the coach and some of the players were standing over me.

“Easy, get him to his feet,” someone called out. The coach asked about my being able to walk and I grunted a negative response before being led off the field to mild applause. Passing a line of cheerleaders I looked for Heather’s face. Where there should have been concern, I read only bitchiness and disappointment. It wasn’t worth bothering to look towards the audience where my parents were seated.

I was parked on my team’s bench and abandoned there for the remainder of the game which left me with plenty of time to contemplate the stupidly of my showing-off and to think about the cat-headed woman dream. My team would spend the rest of Friday night trying to recover from my mistake, but we ended-up losing anyway. This is not the way any guy would want to start his junior year in high school.

 

I’d been playing tight-end for the school football squad since ninth grade and while for most people, football was a sport that evolved after gladiatorial games were outlawed, for me; it was the only thing that made going to school bearable. It wasn’t that I didn’t appreciate my parents spending their money to send me and my younger sister to Sherbrook Preparatory Academy; it was more of a case of there being no point in us going there. The school was co-ed, had a dress code in lieu of a uniform, and while the place was supposed to be non-denominational, everyone who went to Sherbrook was a Christian of some sort. The part that confounded me was that instead of being as focused on academics as they claimed; the teaching staff seemed obsessed with the school’s athletic programs. My parents would have saved a bundle of cash by sending us to the local parochial school, but what did I know. My father claimed my older sister made it to college on a partial scholarship for basketball because of all that she had learned at the place. All I knew for certain is that the school was old and stuffy and it was by all accounts funded by an endowment from a dead guy named Sherbrook who allegedly had been a pirate.

 

The Monday following the game I was stuck in English class enduring the cruelty known as silent reading. I was impatient for the day to end so that I could go for practice when a mosquito buzz sounded from my jacket pocket. Confident that my teacher’s old ears would not hear my ringtone, I slid the phone out of my pocket and held it under my desk. An anonymous text message had been sent. Opening it, I found a picture from Friday’s game of me dropping the ball with the words “SEAN FITZROY – PRIDE OF THE RAIDERS” underneath.  Irritated by the deed of nameless slammer, I didn’t care when my English test came back with the letter C circled at the top of the page.

The bell rang and I sprinted out of the classroom to my locker, grabbed my football gear, and went to the change rooms on the floor one level up from the basement. I was pulling on my jersey when Jeremy, a linebacker, peeked around the corner, “Fitz, coach wants you in his office.” 

“Why?” I asked.

“Haven’t a clue,” he answered as his big head disappeared behind the lockers.

It wasn’t that bad being called Fitz as moniker when I first came to this school and a few classmates started abbreviating my surname. In fact, I never gave it much thought till my father heard my nickname and indignantly explained that the name Fitzroy was bestowed on the illegitimate children of royalty. That ruined things for me, because now every time someone called me Fitz, all I heard was the word bastard.

I knocked on the door of the small office behind the equipment room and waited until the coach called for me to come inside.

“You wanted to see me?” I expected to get chewed out for dumping the ball, but in honesty, wasn’t ready for what happened next.

“Sean you don’t have to suit up today; you’re moving to Tuesday and Thursday practices.”

I heard, “…you’re moving to Tuesday and Thursday practices,” but he might as well have said, “I’m going to have you practice on Mars because your stinky performance last Friday merits having your football career come to a crashing end.”

“The prep team practices on Tuesday and Thursday,” I managed to say.

“Yes they do. You need to start reviewing the basics. With hard work, you should be able to move back up to the varsity squad in time for next season.”

Embarrassed, I felt my cheeks turn red. “The prep team is for guys who can’t play,” I whined at him.

“The prep team is for players who are learning to play or need to brush up on their skills.”

“But scouting starts this year. If I drop down now there is no way I’ll be scouted next year.”

The coach parked himself on a corner of his desk.

“Listen to me. Sean, its good having you on the team. You work hard and you never miss a practice, you’re a nice kid, but you have to realize that compared to ability, none of that means anything. I have to play the best players for the squad. You started the season rough, but if you work with the prep team for a while, you’ll improve your game. If Coach Van Horne tells me that he sees some improvement, I’ll bring you back up. You have to realize that it isn’t fair to let someone on the prep team stay down for a guy who works hard. It’s all based on ability. You must be able to understand that.”

Against my better judgment I opened my trap. “I’m a good ball player and I’ve got as good a chance as any of your favorites at getting scouted. You want to make an example of me because of one bad play.”

The coach shook his head before he made his final pronouncement.

“You’re not a big enough player to use as an example. For now, the prep team is your only option. Do you want to play ball or do you want to hand in your gear today?”

“I want to play ball,” was my answer.

The coach pointed at the door, “Out. You come back tomorrow and we’ll see how things work out.”

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               It took a long time to make it home. It wasn’t that I was scared to tell my father, but who wants to disappoint their old man? I dropped the news at the dinner table and in front of my sisters he started in on me with one of his lectures.

“No one wants to nag you but, you have to understand, there are three kids in this family and we’ve never asked any of you to work part-time. Your mother and I wanted your schooling to be a full-time job. It’s going to be a squeeze, paying for the three of you to go to college, and we were hoping that maybe you would pick up some scholarship money to help pay your way. Look at Shannon; she used the partial basketball scholarship she won to shave her tuition in half. Isn’t that right sweetie?”

My older sister looked down at her plate while half-heartedly nodding her head. It was easy to see that she felt sorry for me. My creepy little sister Kelly stifled a giggle.

“You have to realize that you don’t have a lot of responsibilities around the house. When I was your age I was going to school and playing basketball while holding down a part-time, and on top of everything; your grandfather piled on the chores. You know; if he wasn’t the way he is, I’d make you go spend a week with him and then you’d appreciate how easy you have it.”

My father didn’t realize it, but he was crushing me. He received a full scholarship for football and he wanted the same for me, but he was being unfair; pushing me too hard.

“Let’s be honest Sean, you have talent, it doesn’t matter what that broken-down hump of a coach tells you, he’s wrong about your ability as a ball player.”

In the end, I stopped listening and kept nodding my head in agreement, and he tired of talking at me and gave up. I promised to try harder and asked to be excused in order to go hang out in my room, but before I was able to escape my mom blurted out, “Heather called to ask if you wanted to come over and study.”

Her words stopped me in my tracks because I wanted to be alone tonight. The kicker came when my father smiled and said, “Doctor Shelby’s daughter is such a nice girl.” 

 

Nine o’clock, about six hours since being dumped from the squad. It would have been better at home watching my fish, but instead I was in the backseat of my father’s car with the good doctor’s daughter. Parked in the alleyway behind Jim’s corner store with a grove of bushy trees for cover, no one knew we were there and nothing was stopping us from doing whatever we wanted. This worked for Heather as she unbuttoned her blouse, but for me the image of Doctor Shelby conducting my annual physical exam intruded on my thoughts. Heather was part English, part Swedish, part Latino, and part Lord knows what, and for certain she was hotter than Georgia asphalt in the summer. I couldn’t think of a single guy in my school who wouldn’t have screamed bloody murder and handed me a beating for turning her down, but that was what happened. She told me she loved me and I couldn’t disentangle myself from her. Her kisses kept landing like punches on my face and when I started to pull away she became rough.

“Do me, do me,” she gasped out, doing her best to impersonate every matinee star caught in a movie cliché.

This is what I have been dreaming about and praying for since I was twelve-years old, but her bogus passion was maddening and I pushed her off me.

“What’s the matter?” Genuine shock was in her voice.

I tried to find the words to explain things to her. We’d know each other since the first grade, her father was my doctor, and it was obvious after our first date last spring that to be more than friends was a mistake, but my folks keep pushing it because “Heather is such a nice girl.” Both of them ignorant about what a nasty girl she could be.

“Let’s get out of here,” I finally said.

“I don’t understand,” she had a confused look on her face.

“Get yourself together, I’m taking you home,” I told her.

“Don’t you want to…?” A couple of minutes passed before she repeated, “I don’t understand.” She acted as if she were about to cry.

“I got kicked off squad. The coach dropped me down to the prep team.”  

“What do you mean?”  She covered her mouth with her hand and in seconds went from being disappointed to angry when the realization that she was dating a loser sank in. Her voice became hard. “It’s because of that pass you screwed-up, isn’t it?”

“I guess, maybe,” I didn’t want to discuss it.

“Of course it is,” she snapped at me, “I wouldn’t have dropped that ball. What’s wrong with you?”

Hearing her say that she said she would have held onto the ball, I decided that if she had been born a guy she would have made squad for sure.

“I don’t know, my focus was off,” I didn’t want to admit to messing-up because of my showboating.

“Your focus was off, what do you mean your focus was off?”

“It’s nothing, it was - it was nothing.” Feeling tired, I turned my head away from her. She yammered, “I want to go home now.”

I crawled into the front seat and turned on the car’s engine.

It was a long ride home and the worst part was that I couldn’t even look at her.  She did a good job of sounding miserable with her sniffling which made me feel horrible, but I kept my eyes locked on the road.  When we arrived at her house I tried to figure out what to say, but the sound of the passenger door slamming shut disrupted my thoughts.

I called out the window, “Heather,” but she was gone and my head began to pound and my stomach started to churn. I pounded down on the gas pedal and made my father’s car peel-out in front of Doctor Shelby’s house.

 

At home my father was waiting for me.

“Doctor Shelby phoned. He said when you dropped Heather off she came in crying and upset, but didn’t want to talk about it. What happened?” He talked as if I had torn up a winning lottery ticket.

“Nothing happened,” I knew he wasn’t going to buy this one. What father would believe his sixteen year-old son had turned down one of the best-looking girls in school because he was not in love with her, not attracted to her, and thought her mean because of the way she treated some of the other girls.

“Nothing. Doesn’t sound like nothing? What did I tell you? When a girl says no, she means no.”

It was weird seeing my father so wound-up because he was such a controlled guy that he rarely lost his temper.

“We were only kissing and since Heather is a nice girl, as you put it; I figured there isn’t any point in us staying out late. And I’ve been thinking that maybe we shouldn’t see each other, okay?” I figured that this lie might get me off the hook since he wouldn’t believe the truth.

“That’s an incredibly selfish attitude and that’s not the way your mother and I raised you.”  He gave me a stern look and I decided to freak him out.

“It beats us having to get married by a Justice of the Peace if I did the baby dance with her.”

I stifled a laugh when I saw the look on his face. To an old school guy such as my father, the words “baby dance” and “Justice of the Peace” were mortifying phrases, almost as terrifying as “your son wants to become a Priest.” He couldn’t argue with the cruel logic of what I had said. I turned and ran upstairs while my father called after me. Inside my room I locked the door to make sure that he wouldn’t invade my space.

Glancing at the books piled on my desk, I decided to do my homework during lunch the next day and tore my clothes off, letting them drop into a pile on the floor, except for my shirt. Not wanting to go outside my room to wash-up in the bathroom, I wiped my face down with my shirt and let it join the rest of my clothes on the ground. From under my bed pillow I pulled out a pair of old cotton track pants that served as my pajamas and pulled them on, then gave the angel fish a feeding before crawling into bed. I was ready to fall asleep when the smell of Heather’s perfume permeated the room. It was a delusion, but the thought of how she smelled excited me. I had tossed and turned, uncertain if I had made the right decision. At the time, I was certain I was right in putting her off, but alone in the dark with only my own thoughts I was not so sure. I tossed and turned. Finally, unable to bear it any further, I jumped out of bed and found the thumb tack on my window sill. A quick jab under my arm and I was back underneath the sheets. It did take long before I was able to drift off to sleep.

 

Next morning I dragged myself out of bed and off to school. My first class was info-tech and during lab time I discovered someone had taped my fumble and uploaded it to a video sharing website under the title of “hilarious football screw-up.” The footage had been edited so that the ball appeared to spurt out of my hand accompanied by a horrific farting sound. Arranged in a playback loop, the scene repeated over and over. It wouldn’t have mattered to me, except that in the twelve hours since the video had been posted, it had received almost two thousand hits.

Later, sitting in English ignoring what the teacher was saying, I spent the greater part of class alternating between thinking about getting kicked off the squad and puzzling over whether or not I had made a mistake with Heather. Restless, I realized I needed to come up with a plan to turn things around for me. Heather, to be honest, was a nasty plastic bully who had nothing in common with me. While she was popular with her own little crew, it was known around the school that the rest of the members of her cheer squad despised her and her buddy Breanne. Sure, it would be great to have bragging rights about her, but if you went all the way with a girl like that, you’d be struck with her – and for a long time. Picturing her with her mouth open and listening to all the annoying crap coming out of it made me flinch. I’d had enough of her and her friends. The only choice was to get rid of her. I’d play nice with her at lunch before ditching her later. Having been dropped down to the prep team, it won’t be hard to convince her that we were better off as buddies. If I came across as a big enough loser Heather might even think the whole thing was her idea. Pleased that I’d soon be free to chase other girls, I moved on to the more important issue of how to get back onto the squad.

I reflected on what the coach meant when he said I wasn’t a big enough player. At first I was certain that being dropped was punishment for fumbling the ball, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized there must have been another reason that made the coach pull the plug on me. You have to be careful and read between the lines when dealing with guys like my coach, he’s the type who never calls it straight because, like all teachers, I guess he’s scared of getting sued or something. I wasn’t a big enough player - it sounded all so familiar. When I first arrived at Sherbrook and tried out for football, I didn’t make the cut for either squad or prep, which disappointed my father terribly. Being a puny kid made me look like a pansy to the coach which is what cost me a chance to play, but after being schooled by some older players I found a solution that helped me to make squad by grade nine.

“Fitzroy”

Hearing the teacher bellow my name brought me back to the here and now and I saw that he was waiting for me to answer a question I had missed. Someone took pity on me and whispered the answer.

“He died in 1616,” I said hoping I was not being pranked.

“That’s correct.” He turned and wrote the date on the board and continued his boring lecture.

With my teacher satisfied, I returned to daydreaming about football.

What was the real reason the coach dropped me down to prep? The practice before Friday’s game I had trouble stopping Brent Davies when I went to block him, and at the game, I faked being hurt when I was tackled. I was certain of the answer. The coach didn’t think I needed to improve my playing; he was worried that by year’s end I would be getting mowed over by the opposing offence.

I had to become more competitive at hitting which meant I needed to get stronger and there was only one way I could do that. It had worked for me before in grade nine, but it was risky. To be stronger I needed muscle, lots of it. I could work for it hard, but even hard work probably wouldn’t be enough. I already lifted weight three times a week like everyone else who played football, but I would have to ramp it up, pump iron every day. And where Mother Nature cheated me, a chemist could make up the difference. This time around, I needed to watch myself, be more careful with my intake.

As class drew to a close, I felt happy with my plan. I would deal with Heather, get back on squad, and go after a scholarship. Maybe find a nice girl. There was an uneasy feeling in my chest when the bell rang and class was done. My first practice with the prep team was today and I was certain to feel like an idiot walking out onto the field with the other utility grade players, but that would change. After practice I’d track down the Candy Man and starting tomorrow it’d be time to seriously pound the weights. I went to find Heather.

 

I saw her before she saw me.

Heather was in the cafeteria seated at a table with the rest of her girl buddies. One of her friends spotted me and nudged Heather with her elbow. Our eyes met and I tried to gauge her mood, but it was hopeless. She pushed away from the table, stood, and started towards me in a slow, sashaying walk. Her tight sweater and short skirt made my heart start to pound. When she came near, I took her hand and pulled her close in order that no one would be able to hear our conversation. It seemed that the cafeteria had all of a sudden become quiet.

“I am really, really sorry about last night.”

She brushed away my apology and in an angry voice said, “You look excited, I’m certain it’s not because of me.”

I almost laughed because she was being such a bag that ditching her would be easy.

“I’m scared of what your dad might do if he caught us,” the lie came out so easy that I amazed even myself.

For a brief moment she looked bewildered and her anger seemed to vanish. I decided it was a good time to tell her about my idea on my getting back onto the squad. She became perky and was unbelievably agreeable when I told her I wouldn’t have any time for her since training at the gym would take priority. I was ready to say that I just wanted us to be friends when she gave my hand a squeeze and rained hell on me.

“I know you were scared the other night, but that’s normal. I wasn’t scared because I love you.”

She couldn’t mean it. She didn’t love me. She was only saying she loved me. This was all wrong. I didn’t love her and I wasn’t even sure I like her. What if she was telling the truth? I felt her small, soft hand and made the mistake of looking down at her fashion-magazine perfect legs.

I shouldn’t have said it, but the words came out to fast for me to stop, “I want to take things slow.”

This completely messed me up because for a sixteen-year old girl to hear that her boy wouldn’t pressure her was synonymous with a commitment of undying love.

“I love you Sean. You do love me, don’t you?”

I knew that hesitation would make things get ugly.

“Of course I do.”

She jumped into my arms, almost bowling me over, and planted a kiss on me to the sounds of hoots and hollers.

 

With the first part of my plan in disarray, I decided to focus my efforts on getting back into squad and would deal with Heather later. I began working myself stupid, pumping weights and doing lifts and squats, till every single part of my body was firm. I was exhausted all the time. Still, no matter how hard I worked myself, I wasn’t getting the results I wanted. I was still too scrawny and when I looked at myself in the mirror it was sickening. While there wasn’t any fat to pinch, parts of my body still appeared flabby. I gave myself some time to try and make things work Joe Weider style, but to me, I still looked like the guy who got sand kicked in his face. With the football season underway, time was running out and it became clear that things needed to be cranked-up.

Three weeks after my safety meeting with the Candy Man, I sat on a bench surveying the weight room. I made sure everyone focused on their workout before reaching into my gym bag and pulling out a medicine bottle filled with pink pills. Gym Candy. I hesitated, not wanting to go down this path again, but knowing that if I didn’t, there was no way I would make it back onto squad. In my head I swore over and over that this was just a temporary fix before popping three pills in my mouth and chugging water from my sports-bottle in order to gag them down.  

 

You might say that, gradually, building myself up became an unhealthy obsession with me.

I trained with the prep team knowing that in order for me to go back up to squad I had to impress Coach Van Horne. Every time someone made it past me, or was able to shrug off one of my blocks, I would spend extra time in the gym, determined not to let a prep team player show me up. I became so focused on making a comeback that nothing else mattered. My social life, which had been all important to me just a month ago, went into a nosedive.

And I neglected my studies.

My decision to use chemicals to boost was validated on one of my regular trips to the weight room. I heard someone roar, “To the sides, squad coming through.” I stepped back against the wall just like the other dozen students in the hallway to make room as my former teammate charged past me in their practice gear. From under their helmets I caught a few eyes look in my direction then quickly look away. I could only watch as they vanished out the back door that led to the football field. The chant of “Raiders, Raiders, Raiders” seemed to still be ringing in the air even after the last player exited the school. Once the commotion was over, I reached into my sports bag to retrieve the medicine bottle. I hesitated before adding three more pink pills to the three that were already in my palm and then gulped them down. I continued on my way to the gym.

 

Standing next to her locker, I told Heather I intended to skip the Homecoming dinner, certain that she would become less enamored with me if I became enough of a wet blanket, but she wasn’t willing to let the matter slide. It would have been embarrassing for her to go to Homecoming alone since it was the night when the it-girls asserted their alpha-female status in front of the entire school. Parading in their designer dresses while being escorted by their jock boyfriends, they vamped enough glamour to outdo an awards show. It was impossible for glasses-wearing, brainy girl to compete with any of them. And it was unconceivable that Heather would miss of moment of it.

I explained that I would feel like a goof sitting at the prep team table. She didn’t care, since she would be hanging at a different table with the cheerleaders, but she didn’t want to miss out on exchanging mums and garters, something we were allowed to do as juniors. She harped on me that she had dropped fifty bucks on my garter. Her whining took its toll, and I countered that I had spent three times that amount on her mum, but nothing was going to make me go to Homecoming. Her attention shifted away from me as her eyes darted around the hallway, evaluating each passerby and occasionally doing a half wave or a crushing glare. A group of nerd girls walked past us drawing Heather’s attention. Ignoring me, she turned her focus on them and when they were almost safely away, made a cat-like hissing sound. The nerd girls froze in their tracks till the bravest of the three looked back at us. Spotting Heather, she began quick stepping away with her friends rushing to catch-up to her. This amused my girlfriend and she let out a laugh.

“Why do you do stuff like that?” I was annoyed by her behavior.

“Do what?”

“Pick on those girls.”

“Oh, them, they bring it on themselves.”

She began rubbing her hand against my bicep provocatively and telling me how nice my body was becoming before asking for an update.

“Have you heard back from the coach yet?”

“No, not yet, but I’ve been working hard.”

“You need to wash your face after each work-out because your pimples are coming back.”

“I’ll try to remember.”

“My parents won’t be home till suppertime, you could come over,” she whispered.

“I need to go to the gym.”

Her eyes flashed, “Do you know you’re becoming a bit of a drag?”

Here was my opening, I should have said that we were finished, but instead I whined, “You don’t get how it feels to be dropped from squad.”

Too quickly she became sympathetic and said, “I understand how you feel. Don’t worry; you’ll be back on squad before you know it. In the meantime I’ll work something out for us,” she promised, then, “I love you.”

I thought, “Not again,” but the words that fell out of my mouth were, “I love you too.”

She gave me a deep kiss before pulling away and walking off.

I called her that night to find she had fixed things in order that she wouldn’t have to attend the Homecoming solo. She ordered me to stay home sick while she attended the dinner with Rocky Como as a friend. Rocky was seeing a girl who attended Montgomery High and since he was captain of the football team, it would appear as if Rocky Como the god was doing his sickly friend a favor. With the way my marks were going, I couldn’t afford to miss school, but I didn’t want to set Heather off. The following day I told my parents I wasn’t feeling well and stayed home lifting weights, while Rocky gave Heather her mum on my behalf.

 

While I had successfully dodged taking Heather to Homecoming, the Halloween dance was a different situation. She had declared we would go as Anthony and Cleopatra and would not be put off. I had intended to take her, but on the day of the dance I started to have this feeling which is hard to put into words. I can only describe it as a sensation which made me feel tense and jumpy. It was easy to dismiss as nothing other than I had been trying to shrink my body fat by eating less. I called Heather to say I didn’t have the energy to deal with another overblown school event and asked if she wanted to skip the dance and crash at my house. I figured she might choose to go with her friends, but instead she went atomic and told me that she was going to pick me up when the big hand was on the twelve and the little hand on the six and to be ready or else. She yelled into the phone and disconnected. I know it sounds paranoid, but seemed like she planned the whole thing just so she could throw a fit. Rather then pulling out my costume and change; I lay on my bed. My lack of energy caused me to doze off while staring up at the ceiling. 

I had been having a weird dream when a soft knock on my bedroom door woke me.

“Aren’t you taking Heather to the dance tonight?” My father had asked.

I stirred in time to hear our front door bell ring and later wished that my father had worked late because when he beat me to the door and swung it open, he received a real surprise. Standing before him was Doctor Shelby’s daughter in a slightly less then sheer toga. It had a plunging front that went all the way down to her belly-button which was adored with a shiny navel chain. 

It’s funny, but never again did either of my parents voice the opinion that “Heather is such a nice girl.” And while not wanting to go, I ended up taking her to the Halloween dance because we were a couple whether I wanted us to be or not.

I should have broken-up with Heather, but I kept messing up every time the right moment came along. Despite everyone calling her high maintenance; she actually became so low maintenance that a confrontation – a confrontation where for certain she would turn into a she-devil - didn’t seem worth the effort. As long as I occasionally went with her to socials she never complained no matter how much I neglected her. I decided that breaking-up with her, for the moment, wasn’t a priority.  Plus, other jocks might sneer at me for losing my spot on the squad, but there was no hiding the jealous looks on their faces when they saw me hanging with one of the it-girls of Sherbrook. 

 

It only took a couple of returned test papers to realize how much my studies had started to slide. I deluded myself into thinking that I’d play catch-up once I was back on squad and didn’t have to focus as much on getting strong.

Getting strong came at another cost as well. During this time I found myself standing alone. Some unspoken rule declared that I was no longer allowed to hang around with members of the squad, and I guess that was to be expected, but the friends I had that weren’t into sports, Ajax and D.J., also copped an attitude towards me. Once, my girl-buddy Cindy called me a jerk and told me to stop acting like a p-wade all the time. It was funny, but my girlfriend, if that is what you’d call Heather, was the only one okay with things since she was occupied with her own friends. While I often felt lonely, not having them make demands on my time might have been for the better since two times a week I would head for practice with the prep team and five days a week I would go to the school gym and work the weights. While I was at practice it was all business, no socializing. At the gym I became an obsessed jerk. I wouldn’t talk with anyone; I wouldn’t spot for any of the girls who asked. I pumped iron till I was too tired to bench any more weight and went home.

The days turned into weeks as I waited to be called back up to squad.

 

“Can’t anyone play in this stupid group?” I had yelled. I couldn’t believe how crappy some of my teammates were at playing football. I had looked around to see angry faces glare back at me from the ranks of the prep team. “Well, it’s true,” I continued, not realizing that I was still yelling. They all had such a lax attitude towards the drills that I couldn’t understand why they even bothered playing.

“If you think you’re that good, how come you were cut from squad?”

I didn’t know who said it, but I was dying to mix it up with him.

“All right, everyone, hustle in. We going to go for one more play before we call it a day,” I heard Van Horn, the prep team coach, bellow. As I passed him, he stopped me.

“Cool it and keep the comments to yourself,” he warned me.

It was the last practice of the year and the cold made it hard to be enthusiastic about playing outside on the damp grass. I jockeyed into the huddle and listened to the quarterback’s call before taking up my position. The ball was snapped and handed off to the running-back. I shuffled out and saw he was going to try to run up the sideline and went to cover. At first I thought a bus had hit me. The impact flipped me backwards and I somersaulted before landing headfirst. My helmet flew off as I crashed to the ground. Unable to breath; I struggled to push myself up, first to my knees and then to my feet. The outside linebacker that had nailed me handed me my helmet and asked, “You okay squad? Let me know if it things get too rough for you.”  I wanted to take him on, but it felt as though he had broken all my ribs and ruined my back. I limped over with the rest of the team to listen to Van Horn’s comments on the play before being told to hit the showers.

Grubby pants and a number 80 jersey fell to the change room floor as I stripped off my gear.  I wrapped a towel around my waist and started towards the showers while trying to figure out why I was still getting mowed down after all I was doing to bulk-up.

“Hey Fitz”

Eric was calling me, which was unusual since I didn’t waste time exchanging words with other members of the prep team.

“Is something the matter?” I asked

“No, nothing’s the matter,” he leaned against the wall, “football is over and my parents are away Saturday. They said it wasn’t a problem to have a few friends over for a party. I get tired of looking at your sad sack face and decided I’d ask you if you wanted to come over.”

It was surprising that he was asking me to hang out since I had been keeping my distance from everyone. I was ready to say no, but realized that if I did he’d be insulted.

“Yeah, I’ll come,” I heard myself say before adding, “Can I bring the girlfriend?”

 

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Famlavan wrote 713 days ago

You have captured Sean stunningly.
The way you engage the value shifts of that time of life and bring out the tensions/emotions through the first person narrative is brilliant!!!
You have left this hanging and if the rest is as good as the start you have something great developing. – Good luck

Zangler wrote 676 days ago

i love this story idea. Taps directly into my nostalgic life I never had but always wanted.
Happy to back. Please have a look at my work of non-fiction. Comment and back if you feel the inclination.
Best,
Christopher
Crossing The Line

William2010 wrote 703 days ago

Liked the begining of the story where Sean has to deal with all the high school problems - football, mean girlfriend, parties, drugs, etc. and then is thrown into a whole new environment of a small town that is dealing with drug dealers and the prospect of being flooded. Wanted to read more - what is the big deal about the girl he meets, what is going to happen between Sean and his Grandpa. Backed.

missyfleming_22 wrote 721 days ago

This was actually pretty awesome! I love what I've read and can almost hear a soundtrack of music playing as I read. You've mastered the first person, it's hard to do and sometimes it can be hard to read but you've done it! If I'd seen this in a store I would have bought this, it's exactly what I like to read! There are great characters and a great premise, everything works! Best of luck with this.

MIssy

Alexandra Davidoff wrote 23 days ago

I am not a football fan, not a sports fan, not a reader of school based tales. But The Summer Girl has won me over with the depth of its descriptive prose. It is largely character driven. The opening paragraph set the stage for an emotionally challenged dramatic story, balancing itself with the right amount of insane detail and movement. The emotional tension between the boy and girl is both memorable and relatible, and even a little wacky. I particularly love the way her kisses were "landing like punches on my face" - that was cinematic. Also loved how the MC's nickname was introduced, it was quite humorous without loosing the emotional spark that characterized the rest of the excerpt in dramatic strokes.

Overall this piece is the product of a talented writer who knows how to interest readers who aren't even well versed in his subject. I can see both adults and teens loving this book. One line in particular makes it seem to me that the overarching plot is rather pertinent to the state of society in regards to the pressure of living up to everyone's expectations of you: "...I felt trapped between my wants and her needs and the consequences of taking a big risk." I think everyone of all ages should agree that The Summer Girl is a fantastic read.

ClaireLyman wrote 334 days ago

Your pitch drew me right in, with is themes of bittersweet romance and family restrictions. And the first sentence sent chills through me. (though I might have worded it slightly differently "The frist time... should have been enough" or "feeling the knife... once should have been enough". Something about "the first time" and and "enough" doesn't quite work for me. But I'm picky, so feel free to ignore me!)
I wonder if you went into backstory too quickly. The second paragraph, after the excitement of the first, seems a bit bl and, a bit too much like you're really wanting us to know stuff. Let us discover it... I'm also not sure about having a dream so early on, before we've come to know or care about the character.
Bear in mind though that those are just the personal opinions of a fellow unpublished writer, so feel free to ignore anything that's not helpful!

mvw888 wrote 505 days ago

I love your plot, as outlined in the pitch. A modern boy with modern problems, being sent to an old-fashioned place, to a mysterious grandfather who, I'm assuming, is going to set him straight and teach him a thing or two. But yet there's a tinge of great sadness too, with Sean's self-hurting practice and the angst he's experiencing. I thought this was very well written indeed; I definitely thought you captured the thoughts of a young adult. In fact, I think I would label this YA if I were you, because really most of the themes seem to apply to that genre. Very well done, minor editing issues here and there so keep re-reading and editing!

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

Benjamin Dancer wrote 543 days ago

I'm in ch 4. Here are my notes:

doesn't drove=drive

first laying=lay

great image of grandpa

certain make=to make

probable=probably right

By the time we leave the dinner, the reader really like grandpa, the town, the people it--and doesn't care much for Sean.

There's tension with the town's survival at stake--a good plot point

You do such a good job of setting these people up. It happens effortlessly. With an illusion of objectivity.

You know Sean is going to change; you he's going to love the town and realize he's been a wanker

I see the love story too. But the other elements of plot are more interesting

LonnieNonnie wrote 556 days ago

The pitch drew me in and so I began to read. The pain that peeps through between the lines is tangible and it is to your credit I say between the lines. The first person does not lend itself to keeping the tissues away, and you do it with applomb. However for me the voice throughout did not strike the right note? There are places where the autvoice - as a young man - sounds contrived. Also the lanuage structure bears looking at as in "I had yelled" puts the pace back. Also would look at the longer paragraphes and trim, ruthlessly. Backed for potential.

LonnieNonnie wrote 556 days ago

The pitch drew me in and so I began to read. The pain that peeps through between the lines is tangible and it is to your credit I say between the lines. The first person does not lend itself to keeping the tissues away, and you do it with applomb. However for me the voice throughout did not strike the right note? There are places where the autvoice - as a young man - sounds contrived. Also the lanuage structure bears looking at as in "I had yelled" puts the pace back. Also would look at the longer paragraphes and trim, ruthlessly. Backed for potential.

Neville wrote 557 days ago

Hi Shane, a powerful and gripping story you have penned here.
You start off your book with some excellent writing, vivid descriptions in the first paragraphs.
This draws the reader in to continue reading, fantastic stuff.
Would try to make better use of your short pitch though, so important to catch a publishers eye, don't waste the opportunity.
Brilliant read, enjoyed it Immensely. Pleased to rate it . RATED.

Kind regards,

Neville THE SECRETS OF THE FOREST - THE TIME ZONE.

Terry Murphy wrote 577 days ago

Hi Shane,

A very powerful and disturbing opening that gets the book off to a great start. There is then a slight loss in momentum with back-story (that I also found a bit confusing), but once through this the character-based storyline really flows well. You capture adolescent angst extremely well. The dialogue works well too. Generally, very talented writing. The first person POV is also well crafted for this type of story.

So, lots to like.

In terms of nits there a few points I would mention.

I think ch 1 is too long and would work better if it were divided.
There are too many typos/words missing for a book of this high standard - it needs a thorough de-bug. I know they are minor but they bump the reader out of the story and are easily avoided.
I know the whole concept of a 'hook' is tricky with this type of story but I always like to see a few early 'sign-posts' as to where the bigger story is going. Otherwise it can just come across as a dramatised diary.

Overall an enjoyable and lively read.

Backed.

Terry

Marita A. Hansen wrote 577 days ago

One of my characters in "Behind the Tears" self-harms to, so it was interesting to see your take on it. I also start off with my character cutting his thigh (it's on youwriteon if you want to have a look), but he is an older and very different character to yours and they have different reasons for cutting. Though, self-harmers are similar in that they get pleasure from cutting, the physical pain blocking out the emotional.

It's a tough topic to handle, but I think you do it with care, by focusing on Sean's feelings, and the stresses that he goes through with football, Heather, and life in general as a teenager.

All the best, Marita.

PATRICK BARRETT wrote 586 days ago

This is well written & although I feel some of the sentences are too short, it generally was an enjoyable read. Your descriptions are good & there is certainly plenty of variety to keep the reader interested - well done. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert: How mean is my Valley?)

Terry Adams wrote 599 days ago

Hi
very well written. Do I detect a tinge of Murikami here and there. Backed with pleasure.
Terry

SPW wrote 609 days ago

A very good read and very well written.
Excellent pace throughout and vivid descriptions.
Backed,
Yuko Zen is Somewhere Else.

SPW wrote 609 days ago

A very good read and very well written.
Excellent pace throughout and vivid descriptions.
Backed,
Yuko Zen is Somewhere Else.

Xaxier wrote 617 days ago

Hi Shane, I promised a read swap and I've made a start. I've read chapter 1. I have to be up front and say I wouldn't normally read this genre, so I can't comment on things like commercialism. What I can say is the writing flows well, the characteristion of the main character builds well and the reader generally is engaged and wants to find out what happens next. I did find the chapter a bit long, but I think this is a personal preference thing. The writing quality is generally high, but there are a few issues I picked up. The first one is in the long pitch. He wouldn't be "Struck in a backwater town" would be "Stuck". "It did take long before I was able to drift off to sleep." Wasn't sure if this was deliberate and you meant "It took a long time before" or you meant to say "It didn't take a long time before." Then " Heather would miss moment of it." Was this meant to be "Heather would miss 'a' moment of it." Also "Which was adored with a shiny navel chain. " Should be "adorned"? and the last one I noticed "Let me know if it things get too rough for you." Seems the 'it' in that sentence is unecessary. These are minor things, but tend to stand out because the rest is well written. I will take a crack at another chapter or so later this week. I hope you find this as helpful as I intend it to be.
If you get a chance, love for you to take a look at the first chapter of BOUNDARY LIMIT?
Regards,
Xavier

scorselo wrote 619 days ago

I read the first two chapters. The story is flat, awkward, and almost dull, a perfect reflection of its main character, Fitzroy. Fitzroy, a teenage boy manges to continue walking through the story in spite of having to confront what to most of his peers would be devastating events. He loses his place on the football team, his girlfriend desires sex, he doesn't, and shortly thereafter she leaves him for someone else. His actions with peers grow increasingly more awkward. And everyday he seems to lose yet another thing that once helped to define his life. Self inflicted wounds are soothing and a thumbtack jambed under the arm has the calming effect of a sleeping pill. Fitzroy is suffering on the inside, and rapidly heading for alienation. And this reader is sitting on the edge of his seat waiting for something to break or someone to enter fitzroy's life and change him forever.

A brilliant portrayal of a deeply troubled, teenaged boy.

Great writing introduces the reader to the soul of a character, and lets him walk in that character's shoes. Kennedy has succeeded in doing just that.

Backed
Scorselo

Diane60 wrote 624 days ago

Shane,
Interesting to see it from the male point of view. Chapters really long but full of intensity and teenage angst.
Very well written
enjoyed all 4.
:)
Diane

Bill Carrigan wrote 625 days ago

Hi Shane, I've now had a chance to read the first chapter of "The Summer Girl," and I'm quite impressed with the writing. The character of Sean is well drawn, and the strained relationship with Heather is plausible, revealing his pride in not coming clean about the football incident and his indecision about breaking with her. These are typical teen concerns, and they'll resonate with youthful readers and those who recall their own youth. I'll back your novel on the strength of these positive impressions and return to read more. How are you coming with "The Doctor of Summitville"? --Best wishes, Bill

Suzalex wrote 629 days ago

Great storyline, writiing, title and everything else. I think it has appeal for both sexes.

Brilliant.

Suz

Walden Carrington wrote 630 days ago

The synopsis to The Summer Girl draws the reader into this emotionally compelling and romantic narrative. I love what I have read so far and look forward to seeing the complete work. Backed with enthusiasm.

CarolinaAl wrote 630 days ago

A powerfully dramatic story. Plausable characters. Excellent character development. Great blend of dialogue, narrative and action. Awesome plot. Backed.

GK Stritch wrote 632 days ago

Dear Shane Kennedy,

Ouch...the opening's not for the faint hearted, but you write a powerful story. If I were seventeen again, I'd hide under the bed and wait for it to be over.

Best wishes with Summer Girl and backed

GK Stritch
CBGB Was My High School

Lynne wrote 640 days ago

This really is a bitter-sweet story. From Sean's self-harming and his growing-up pains at school and with Heather, to the time spent with his grandfather. Your writing flows and is very readable with great descriptions and strong characters, especially Sean. Backed with pleasure earlier. Lynne, Brooklyn Bridge.

Colin Normanshaw wrote 648 days ago

This is a rivetting read, and well crafted. Very believeable characters, and a good pace. Backed with pleasure. Colin

SammySutton wrote 661 days ago

Shane,

Your story intrigues me in so many ways and even though I am commenting I want to read alot more. First of all, I have sorked and been exposed and presented with the cases of several cutters, but never a male. Granted, I did not believe that males were exempt. I think like many areas of emotional and /mental issues it is often hidden and overlooked. Therefore, I applaud you for bringing this issue out and shedding some light.
You have characterized Sean extremely well. You appear to have a great deal of knowledge and have written about it masterfully. Again, I am extremely impressed and I want to read more.
I feel this book has serious marketability and I hope it reaches publication. There are alot of cutters out there and alot of families secretly trying to deal with it. Personally, I would point this out to publishers with some statistics. I know there is more to the story, but the areas I have worked in this is an important and understated problem. I have read a couple of other books about mostly famous females and I found them to be a bit superficial. You have gone on the inside and as I read on I am anxious to discover What Sean's future holds.
Good Luck, Shane. Fabulous gripping work. It is a courageous subject.
Sammy Sutton
King Solomon's '13'

NA Randall wrote 666 days ago

Shane,

You certainly don't pull any punches with your opening scene. The strong impact this has on the reader really sets your story up well, and acts as a fantastic hook. Anyone who reads those opening few lines will want to read on. Backed up by solid characterization, and some crisp dialogue, this is a very promising start. More than happy give you a run on my shelf.

Regards

NA 'A Red Sky in Morning' & 'Tales of Ordinary Sadness'

JD Revene wrote 669 days ago

Shane,

I've only read the first chapter, but Sean is developing nicely as a character (if not as a person), the way he doesn't realise why he's alienating his friends is well done.

Backed.

SusieGulick wrote 671 days ago

You are totally fantastic, Shane! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my 2 memoir books? :)
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :)

name falied moderation wrote 671 days ago

Dear Shane

I started reading this book awhile ago and have just finished my read. Though I have already commented and backed this book i just want to say GREAT book. When I looked I could not find the backing so I am taking the time to back it again , I do hope this time it shows.
The VERY best of luck with this
Denise
The Letter

SusieGulick wrote 671 days ago

Dear Shane, I got so excited when I saw that you had backed, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not." :) Thanks so very much. :) Since I have already backed your book, I will put your book on my watchlist. Could you please take a moment to back my completed unedited memoir version, "Tell Me True Love Stories?" I'd be ever so grateful. :) Thank you. :) Love, Susie :)
authonomy quote: "Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs."
Here is the response I received from authonomy concerning backing:
When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved."

klouholmes wrote 673 days ago


Hi Shane, The outset is strong and drew me in although I had read it before. I went to Chapter 3 and liked the development, the girls with their cat faces and the cat-headed woman dream attributed to the candy. The dialogue feels very real and the trip to the grandfather’s really heightens the story early on with the dam being built and how Sean’s father feels about him. Found two typos: “I don’t except (expect) you to understand.” and marijuana. I think the target age would get very involved with this story. Shelved again – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Joanna Carter wrote 676 days ago

'I'm really enjoying this - it's a powerful story and you have us right there from the very beginning. I wish you every success with this.
Joanna Carter
Fossil Farm

Zangler wrote 676 days ago

i love this story idea. Taps directly into my nostalgic life I never had but always wanted.
Happy to back. Please have a look at my work of non-fiction. Comment and back if you feel the inclination.
Best,
Christopher
Crossing The Line

Sly80 wrote 681 days ago

A powerful opening with a convincing description of the chaotic edginess that torments some teenager's lives, in this case driving him to use self-harm as a cure. The words 'started with a stupid pigskin', hook us straight into what follows. Hard blow with the demotion from the squad. 'He was being unfair, pushing me too hard', self-deception even though Sean knows he's in the wrong. 'Hotter than Georgia asphalt in the summer', neat phrase, but an awkward situation, 'her kisses kept landing like punches'. His father is unfair after the Heather incident, but Sean doesn't ... can't explain ... famous last words; he does explain, bluntly. Later he's starting to make sense to himself; it's just the conclusion that he comes to that is crazy, 'the Candy Man'. Roid rage is going to do him a lot of good.

The complex psychology is very well handled, Shane, in this character study of a confused young man. There's some exceptional writing (that's why I've been ultra picky with my suggestions below) and a gradually unfolding plot that the reader wants to follow to a quieter place where Sean can find his real self and maybe a real relationship ... backed.

Possible nits: 'Her intentions remained a mystery to me', omit 'to me'. 'I hadn't suffered a visit from', omit 'cat-headed woman' and just use 'her', to reduce repetition. 'he was a like philosopher', omit 'like'. 'all that she ... All I knew ... by all accounts'. Watch out for the phrase, 'you have to realize', both the coach and his father use it, and then Sean says 'My father didn't realize it'. 'hearing her say that she said...' I'd lose this sentence. 'my head began to pound ... I pounded'. 'I wasn't even sure I like[d] her'.

Lockjaw Lipssealed wrote 681 days ago

I wanted to comment on this one yesterday, bt with my ever challenging wi-fi access, well it just didn't happen. You have a good read going here. You set this up in a way that sucks the reader in and no one is going to complain about that. There did seem to be times where both the narrative and dialogue felt off or unnatural. No enough to worry about, but maybe something to keep an eye on if you go back to do further edits.

Lockjaw

Ron Mitchell wrote 699 days ago

High School was a terrifying experience filled with joy, fear, accomplishments, and things you wish you could take back or change. You captured the emotion of that time in chapter one. Great read and a great start to this book. Good luck. Remember to read December Gold. I would appreciate your comments.

lynn clayton wrote 703 days ago

That's a really lovely pitch, Shane, straightforward and concise.
The first person narrative is my favourite because it gives scope for emotion and reflection in the characters and you do this very well through Sean. He's an excellent character, a plot in himself. Backed. Lynn

William2010 wrote 703 days ago

Liked the begining of the story where Sean has to deal with all the high school problems - football, mean girlfriend, parties, drugs, etc. and then is thrown into a whole new environment of a small town that is dealing with drug dealers and the prospect of being flooded. Wanted to read more - what is the big deal about the girl he meets, what is going to happen between Sean and his Grandpa. Backed.

David Fearnhead wrote 711 days ago

I loved the essence of this story. You've certainly stacked the pressures against you. I wouldn't call this an original idea, stories of the connection between grandson and grandfather when there is problems with the father are not uncommon, so it's a good job that you are such a fine writer. Your astute observations and delivery of your characters and plot all add to making this a very solid read.
Hope the rest of the book continues in this quality.
Backed
David
Bailey of the Saints

Eveleen wrote 712 days ago

Backed.

Famlavan wrote 713 days ago

You have captured Sean stunningly.
The way you engage the value shifts of that time of life and bring out the tensions/emotions through the first person narrative is brilliant!!!
You have left this hanging and if the rest is as good as the start you have something great developing. – Good luck

zan wrote 715 days ago

The Summer Girl
Shane Kennedy

Backed a day or two ago Shane and only just had time to dip further in. Your short pitch, "Every boy deserves a summer girl" is interesting. Didn't know what to think after reading it, so it piqued my curiosity. Your long pitch explained much and I expected much drama to come. Was not disappointed at all. I expect this would be very welcome also by a YA readership. It confronts themes and issues which are worthwhile and your writing style is more than adequate. Good stuff and a pleasure supporting it.

delhui wrote 719 days ago

Dear Shane --

The issue of cutting is not dealt with enough in literature despite its being a widespread issue, and that you bring attention to it with a male character impressed us even more. But there is more to Sean than this expression of his inner turmoil, and you build his psychological arc with authentic precision in the chapters you have posted here. We look forward to reading more and delving into the specifics of his relationships with his father and grandfather.

One suggestion: in the opening, you convey Sean's increasing agitation well, but then you repeat the phrase "Placing the edge of the knife against my flesh, the promise of impending ecstasy was overpowering..." it loses some of its power. Consider showing us how Sean feels the second time -- is the knife edge cold? Does his body tremble or does just having the knife bring him some relief from the tension? You have great powers of description, and we know that you can make us feel what Sean is feeling. Also, consider a hard edit for punctuation issues; though they do not detract from the power of The Summer Girl, correcting them will add polish to your book.

Backed for the promise of this story and its nuanced exploration of Sean's character. -- Delhui, The Long Black Veil

greeneyes1660 wrote 720 days ago

Hi Shane, Great job with a hard topic. I love that the MC is a guy. People often think of cutters as female,and Sean is likeable and believable. Into sports had a girlfriend did decent in school so you present the reader with food for thought of the preconceived notions.

The voice and inner dialogue of Sean draws us right into the story and immediaely we have an emotional connection. Your descriptive writing and pace are good and you build the momentum well.

Nice cliffhanger, this is unfolding nicely. Backed with pleasure Patricia aka Columbia Layers of the Heart

klouholmes wrote 720 days ago

Hi Shane, An immersing first person narrative because of the impulse to self-destruction. The dialogue is really good and especially the adult dialogue, the coach and teacher and father. Sean's thoughts about football and Heather feel private and are very interesting to follow. You’ve made what would seem a typical teenager into a person with second-thoughts. Happy to shelve – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Burgio wrote 720 days ago

SUMMER GIRL
This is a good story. You have a good main character in Shane. He’s instantly likable because his coach sends him back to the practice team. He’s sympathetic because he’s so emotionally involved he picks up that butcher knife. A reader can tell he needs a change of scene; made me look forward to what will happen when he settles into his grandfather’s house. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

missyfleming_22 wrote 721 days ago

This was actually pretty awesome! I love what I've read and can almost hear a soundtrack of music playing as I read. You've mastered the first person, it's hard to do and sometimes it can be hard to read but you've done it! If I'd seen this in a store I would have bought this, it's exactly what I like to read! There are great characters and a great premise, everything works! Best of luck with this.

MIssy

DP Walker wrote 721 days ago

Hi Shane
A great start. I loved your MC - you helped us empathise with him immediately and draw us to find out more about his and his family's past. You've managed to use the first person POV well. The story is fast paced and intriguing and I would love to find out how things work out for Sean. Backed.
DP Walker
Five Dares

A Knight wrote 721 days ago

A wonderful story, engaging and gripping, as well as poignant. Instantly we're pulled in by your protagonist. We want to know what drives him and what will become of him with his grandfather. This is fairly well-polished, too, which is always a good start. The occasional error crept in, but these did nothing to overshadow the premise.

Brilliant work!
Abi xxx

Gauis wrote 722 days ago

In the pitch - Mybe give me a little cle who these ghosts are

Gauis wrote 722 days ago

In the pitch - Mybe give me a little cle who these ghosts are

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