Flood Lines

This, Berlin, took a hold of me from paragraph one.

You have a great style - a flow to your words that makes Flood Lines a very easy, and enjoyable piece to read.

The opening to each chapter - whether it be a passage from the Bible - or Blake poetry - or Morrison, is enticing in the extreme - already - even after only five chapters - I know this is excellent reading, and honey to the taste writing.

Urial already, is a fascinating contradiction who I want to find out more about - and Azalea is the kinda cool, intelligent guide we need to take us through this very interesting, and diverse tale.
I'll be back for more.

James.

What a brilliant premise. The only thing I could pick fault with, and this shows you how minor it is, is that I would have liked names of characters in the long pitch. As for the prose, I found it eminently readable. And what a cracking way to end chapter one. This is a great idea and you write so intelligently, yet never in a pretentious way, I think this a sure-fire hit, particularly with a YA target audience.
backed with pleasure
Carl
The Time hunters

Berlin

Flood Lines - I was charmed by the first chapter and astounded by the second ... Uriel, the embodiment of a beautiful affliction ... he had the ability to be beside himself, that is where he would be ... he has opinions about everything ... giving a wonderful fresh slant to seminal stories.
I'm looking forward to meeting Azalea, and will return tomorrow to read more. In the meantime, I'm pleased to back your book on my shelf. And welcome to authonomy.

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

This is great writing, and the further you delve inot the story the better it gets. You are a fantastic storyteller.

A very engaging, what if, kind of story. Woven from a great imagination.

Easily backed.
Melxx
Impeding Justice

Hi Berlin,

I just spotted your book and thought it sounded interesting, so I'm here to read and comment. :)

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. After all, they will just be my thoughts. You can always ignore me if you think I'm wrong or stupid. ;)

(Sorry in advance for any typos, but my keyboard’s a bit knackered :()

Preface: Intriguing start. What's so special about this snow globe, I wonder. Oh I see why it stood out against all the brown. Interesting words from the father. I suspect this is foreshadowing of the plot. Science and religion all rolled into one. Clever. I like this approach of trying to use science to explain the supernatural. I think it should lend weight to things in your plot that readers may otherwise dismiss.

1 tiny suggestion here. I think, occasionally, your writing could be even more involving if you found ways to show more and tell less. eg "she thought and answered..." is you telling the reader facts. It's a bit like lecturing them. If, instead, you wrote something like "She bit her lip and her forehead wrinkled..." you'd be showing the reader evidence she's thinking. The reader can then infer the meaning for themself. eg2 "she was frustrated" = telling. "she tugged at her hair/she stamped a foot/ she made a fist etc..." = showing. I think it's sometimes a mistake to spoonfeed readers by telling them too much. Showing them things and letting them draw their own conclusions should actively involve them in your story more. ;)

Reading on... Wow is this snow globe really a universe or is he just trying to trick her? It seems a special object, but that may just be because of her sense of wonder. Meaningful ending to the chapter. Deep thoughts for a kid that age. What does happen if the universe slips?

Chapter 1: Uriel sounds amazing. I can really picture his strange beauty. Ominous news there's a planned revision of the world. That sounds like a potential cataclysm. Yup we soon learn the destruction of all mankind's on the cards. I feel a bit sad for Uriel that he can't experience emotions. It must make for a meaningless life. I can see why, from a distant analytical point, he'd think the people of the land of Nod deserve destruction. If he only had emotions, though, I think he might feel differently. Awww I can't believe he doesn't like the rabbits. :(

Aha then we learn of the conversation with Noyach (Noah or a comparable figure ,I assume.) Sounds like he's built an ark. No wonder the other humans think Noyach's bonkers as he loads the animals. On board, I love the description as "An elephant's grandfather" by the way. I almost laughed aloud at the image. I really did laugh when I learned Noyach was getting drunk. I don't remember that bit in the bible ;). To be fair, though, if there was ever a time to get drunk, this was it ;).

I didn't expect Uriel to play a trick on Noyach. Doesn't seem v angelic ;). Funny, though. Ah interesting event that follows. Looks like a meteor lands in the ocean. Good explanation for the flood. Again, we're back to the science+religion theme.

I’ve a tiny suggestion here. In general, I think it’s best to avoid forms of started/began as actions don’t really start. They just happen. eg instead of “A toxic rain began to pour” I think “A toxic rain poured” would work better.

Reading on... Intriguing little scene with a strange creature watching Azalea. I wonder what this creature is + why it's watching her. Then we get to a terrible storm. Is this back with the flood again? V dramatic and well described. Ah but then the serpent arrives. Is this Satan, I wonder? It seems to strike a deal with Danek. Ominous chapter end. He's dead and yet alive. Chilling. Brr.

Chapter 2: Shocking waking for Azalea. No wonder she was panicked.

I've a tiny suggestion here. I think, where possible, it's best to avoid "filtering" words such as felt/saw etc because they place the character slightly in the way of the reader. eg in "She felt the hair on her neck and shoulders become erect...." you're telling the reader about her feeling something. If, instead, you wrote something like "The hair on her neck and shoulders became erect/ prickled..." the reader would get to share the experience with the character. I think such an approach could be more involving.

Reading on... I wonder why she has such strange dreams. Is she deranged or is she genuinely seeing another place/time? Her daily life at the bar sounds mundane. Maybe the dreams are an escape from that. Ah she's an art student , though. Creative sort. Aww Alice seems v sweet when we meet her. v happy and eager.

I've a small suggestion. I think you don't need to explain your dialogue quite so much. eg in " "...throwing all that money away on rent." Alice punctuated her argument.” I don't think you need any of the explanation as the dialogue does such a good job of letting the reader know what's going on. We know she's punctuating her argument. I think just " "...throwing all that money away on rent," Azalea said." would read better and faster. Your dialogue's good. Let it shine on its own merits. ;)

Reading on... Hmmm the X.36 times are v odd. Something's going on with that, I think. I like the dialogue with Eric. Lots of fun. Hmm who's the strange man she doesn’t hear come in. Something's odd about him too. Dane. The eyes are especially odd. Interesting dialogue between them. I think he's made quite an impression on her. My ears prick up when he mentions bible verse, though. When he leaves, the number he gives her is peculiar. Is it a code? Something to do with the bible? mysterious...

Oops I just saw how long this comment's getting. I guess I better stop before it grows to a ridiculous size. I'll sum up now, and then shut up. :)

I think you have a great story here, filled with mystery and tension. Your descriptions are well done, and really paint pictures of what's going on. And the dialogue is believable and feels so real. I especially like the way you stretch out the tension by releasing information, little be little. At the end of each section, I want to read on and find out what new developments your story has in store. Why is Azalea having such strange dreams? Are they supernatural? Who or what was the strange man at the bar?

I've rated your book as highly as possible, and hope you get published. I think there's a real audience out there for your work.:)

Best of luck,

Pete

Love your book cover and style of writing. You have an effortless way of drawing the reader into your plot. I like the whole sci-fi dimension thing and mysterious globe. Great job-5 stars.

Your intro is an interesting premise. Am backing and reading. If you have a chance, please check out 33 or Halo of the Damned. Dina

Poweful stuff chapter two in particular I thought the end of Danek was so dramatic and very errie. It was so well written. I could easily find myself taken to the end of this book and that suprises me as I would normally shy away from this genre but this is a very smart piece of writing. I can see this as a film.

Wilma1
Knowing Liam Rile - I hope you will spend a moment to look at mine

I've read your first chapter. I like the style of your weiting very much and admire the concept.

If you have the opportunity can can you take a look at Freddie, Bill and Irving.

Best wishes
Paul

An unusual take on the biblical mythology of the cataclysm, mixed with challenging philosophy. Great reading but I think that you need a hook earlier on in the narrative. The first two chapters are an easy read but some readers might give up at some point there, not knowing what the book is going to be about.

Backed with best wishes

A.P. Constantin

The Crystal Butterfly Club

What a deep and intriguing story!

Your vision of the - so to speak - apocalyptic world, the struggle of finding a safe place - is a great metaphor for what the human mind have been troubled with for ages: is there any escape from the danger, the sorrow, the evil?

You are a brilliant storyteller!

Than you for sharing this.

Backed with great pleasure.

Johanna Kern
Master and the Green-Eyed Hope

Thanks so much Tim! I've looked through your suggestions and made some changes. Someone else said I use "she" too much and another word, I can't remember right now. I need to work on that. I'm trying to get everything out of my head and finish, so once I've got a completed first draft I will go back and refine some more. Thanks again! You are on my watchlist!

Hi Berlin.

I read the first three chapters of Flood Lines. Chapter 1 is really good. Great first paragraph. I like the idea of the snow globe & what her father said is inside. I feel the implications of this set what I think is a theme in your novel well. In the second chapter you introduce the fantasy world with the angel & the real world with Azalea. There is some beautiful writing in this, but I think a little more editing would improve it. In the paragraph starting with "He thought about what was ..." there are too many sentences starting with he. I would try and vary the first word more. Later there is a rather long sentence, "Azalea is peacefully asleep and warm under her thick comforter in her soft bed ...", which I think you could make more concise. And "...began to fight a fight..." could just be "... began a fight ...". These are fairly minor things though against the strength of your writing. Chapter 3 is great. I really started to get into the story. Azalea has a lot of depth to her as a character & when she was working & the man came in I really started to be pulled along by the plot. It looks to me like you have a really complex, fantasy epic. I wish you all the best with it. Flood Lines is very welcome on my shelf.

Tim
Vitality

Hi Berlin.

I read the first three chapters of Flood Lines. Chapter 1 is really good. Great first paragraph. I like the idea of the snow globe & what her father said is inside. I feel the implications of this set what I think is a theme in your novel well. In the second chapter you introduce the fantasy world with the angel & the real world with Azalea. There is some beautiful writing in this, but I think a little more editing would improve it. In the paragraph starting with "He thought about what was ..." there are too many sentences starting with he. I would try and vary the first word more. Later there is a rather long sentence, "Azalea is peacefully asleep and warm under her thick comforter in her soft bed ...", which I think you could make more concise. And "...began to fight a fight..." could just be "... began a fight ...". These are fairly minor things though against the strength of your writing. Chapter 3 is great. I really started to get into the story. Azalea has a lot of depth to her as a character & when she was working & the man came in I really started to be pulled along by the plot. It looks to me like you have a really complex, fantasy epic. I wish you all the best with it. Flood Lines is very welcome on my shelf.

Tim
Vitality

I have only read three chapters, but they are wonderful. I must read more. Jen

Your story has a well thought out premise, and it was well told. I enjoyed immensely what I read. Best of luck with your continued writing. I would appreciate your support and comments for December Gold.

Thanks so much for taking the time to comment! Here are my resources.

I thought that these would be reliable, but I am no scientist. I rely completely on research (and some creative license) for many details of Floodlines. But that is one of my concerns, that some things (which should not be fabricated in order to give the reader a sense that the story is feasible) are slipping through the cracks. If this or any other information is inaccurate, please let me know!! Thank you so much!

Department of Forensic Medicine, University of Dundee "EFFECTS OF IMMERSION" http://www.dundee.ac.uk/forensicmedicine/llb/water.htm
"A body in water will usually sink but because the specific gravity of a body is very close to that of water then small variations e.g. air trapped in clothing have a considerable effect on buoyancy. Having sunk to the bottom the body will remain there until ... sufficient buoyancy to allow it to rise to the surface and float. ... The principal determinant is the temperature of the water so that in deep very cold water e.g. the North American Great Lakes or the ocean the body may never resurface."

Moyle Information Services for Law Enforcement
http://dmmoyle.com/simeans.htm
"The drowning victim's body typically sinks shortly after death. It will resurface 3 days to 3 weeks after death. ... Lake Superior is said to be too cold offshore for a drowning victim to decompose, so that they never surface."

Berlin McKay,

You chose a very intriguing science fiction subject. A vague evil that cannot be eliminated under any condition, even after all humans are eliminated. It is a real challenge for you, but keep in mind the laws of physics of the world we live in. Humans can die in the ocean, but their bodies normally float until a large fish swallows them or sharks devour their flesh. Only then they sink to the bootom of the sea.

Goood luck.

Thanks for backing my "Hiddekn Scroll" I'l back your book..

Avraham
"Space Mission" is my present manuscript, It is incomplete.

Berlin McKay,

You chose a very intriguing science fiction subject. A vague evil that cannot be eliminated under any condition, even after all humans are eliminated. It is a real challenge for you, but keep in mind the laws of physics of the world we live in. Humans can die in the ocean, but their bodies normally float until a large fish swallows them or sharks devour their flesh. Only then they sink to the bootom of the sea.

Goood luck.

Thanks for backing my "Hiddekn Scroll" I'l back your book..

Avraham
"Space Mission" is my present manuscript, It is incomplete.

Not my type of novel, but reasonably well written and will find a place in this genera. Backed.
BK

Hi Berlin,

I have backed your book because I was hooked by the pitch, loved the introduction and read on. I love the poetry of Blake and you utilize this to great effect.

How much more I read depends on time and commitment.

Enjoy everything and good luck.

Rusty Bernard
Psychiatric Evaluation

Backed! Will you please take a quick peek at "Spartan Heart", and if you deem it worthy, return the favor?

Thank you so much!

Kristine Cheney
Spartan Heart

Flood Lines is truly an horrific tale of experimentation on a depraved and mind boggling level. Not content with the transformation into creatures of the night the two main protagonists are testing possible time travel and artificial insemination. Their expanding on the genetic redundancy of their own grotesque existence with a human guinea pig. Whatever happened to the vampire who simply appeared at the womens window, and then carryed her back to his castle.
Horror has reached new heights of horrific so for that reaon Flood Lines has my backing.
Daniel Manning
No Compatibility

Hi Berlin, I've only had time to read the first two chapters, I'm afraid, but the quality of your writing shines from the screen. BRAVO!
I like the opening where you introduce the snow globe in the brown room and then, the philosophical discussion about knowledge and creation -- the source of the source of the source etc.and the difference between belief and theoretical evidence. We are then informed of the eleven dimensions -- intriguing.
The snow globe is obviously a huge attraction for the young child and by the end of the chapter, I was hooked to read on. The excellent writing continues and it was a real pleasure to read and back your work.
Best wishes, Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

A facinating story-line, Berlin. A unique and intriguing story, well written and consuming.
I will back it in the next couple of days.
As you will know nthe great flood and noahs ark is a story from the christian religion. However, the story is actually stolen from Greek Mythology.
Good luck with the book/
Kind regards
David (Flawless Murder)

Modern day Noah's Ark story is a uniquely original text. Great writing style! BACKED -Elizabeth Wolfe (Memories of Glory)

Excellent beginning. Immediately, the reader is grasped and pulled in to this premise and intrigued by the believable. A unique concept which I thoroughly enjoyed and have happily backed.

Abi xxx

There are some nice original touches in this less than simple novel. I am happy to back it.
Rosalind
Good For Him

This reads like a disaster movie with depth.
Your writing holds weight and the reader quickly finds they can place trust in the author, which makes for a very believable read. Your pitch works in promising a script which contains both action and soul.
Very enjoyable work, backed of course.
(hope you can return the favour)

David
Bailey of the Saints

Berlin hello, love the book cover and love your storyline and really enjoyed what I read. Your pitch really grabbed me and that is great as it is possibly the first thing a potential reader or publisher will read , CONGRATS. Your characters are real to me so well did you color them and they play vivid. this book is BACKED by me for sure........My book is of a different genre but that is the beauty of this site, and if you could 'review' and 'comment', I would be so happy. Again BEST OF LUCK with your book

Denise
The Letter
.

a easy to follow story. you write with care and skill; on wl for now...
read SEASONS...

Berlin,
This is wonderfully original!
I think that fantasy combined with science fiction in this way could be very commercial and when it's woven together with such fluent competence as this, I would expect it to do extremely well. The merging of reality and dreaming is done very well, leaving the reader with that thrilling sense of dislocation as Azalea goes about her day.
Very well done,

Simon, CONNECTED.

Love, love, love your first chapter. If I picked this up in a book store, it would be with me when I left. Your writing is captivating and beautifully done. There is an element of mystery behind this first section and of course we are intrigued with the girl and her father. The second chapter introduces an entirely different world, equally interesting and inviting. Really well done, very well written.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

Hi Berlin
You have a really original idea for a polot here and have executed it well. The story flows nicely and the characters are truly believable. It's magical, dramatic, poetic and full of suspense, all rolled into one.
DP Walker
Five Dares

Backed a a few days ago and just wanted to leave a brief comment. This is very well done, easy and enjoyable to read. It's a solid plot with very minor typos to be found that didn't take away from the story but should be edited out.

"E(e) verything must have come . . ."
" . . . slight tip toes (,) spying . . ."
" . . . reveled in the mystery of there (their) own existence."
"We have to accept the possibility . .." Extra space right before this sentence.
"w(W)hy do you think that?"
"M (m)ost snow globes . . ."

Good Luck
Natalie

What flawless dialogue. And how intricately you describe each scene. I love that - I like to know exactly where I am in a novel. You write the sort of prose which is perfectly suited to your subject matter, not flowery but eloquent. There's a classical feel to it. Brilliant. Backed. Lynn

Thanks so much! It's nice to get an honest compliment too. Sometimes it seems like you have to take a lot of the comments with a grain of salt, like somebody made a compliment template and started passing it around. Not that I'm ungrateful, it's just nice to know someone truely likes my writing! Thanks and good luck to you!

This, Berlin, took a hold of me from paragraph one.

You have a great style - a flow to your words that makes Flood Lines a very easy, and enjoyable piece to read.

The opening to each chapter - whether it be a passage from the bible - or Blake poetry - or Morrison, is enticing in the extreme - already - even after only five chapters - I know this is excellent reading, and honey to the taste writing.

Urial already, is a fascinating contradiction who I want to find out more about - and Azalea is the kinda cool, intelligent guide we ned to take us through this very interesting, and diverse tale.
I'll be back for more.

James.

Hi Berlin. You have a good imagination, an intriguing plot and lots of characters to keep track of. I liked the opening chapter. Uriel was well described as was the setting. Backed and best of luck! mariecapri (Cosmic Linx)

This, Berlin, took a hold of me from paragraph one.

You have a great style - a flow to your words that makes Flood Lines a very easy, and enjoyable piece to read.

The opening to each chapter - whether it be a passage from the Bible - or Blake poetry - or Morrison, is enticing in the extreme - already - even after only five chapters - I know this is excellent reading, and honey to the taste writing.

Urial already, is a fascinating contradiction who I want to find out more about - and Azalea is the kinda cool, intelligent guide we need to take us through this very interesting, and diverse tale.
I'll be back for more.

James.

What you have decided to post to date is well written and has a good flow to it. Your descriptive writing style and excellent use of imagery makes your science fiction fantasy a most enjoyable read. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

What a refreshing premise to a book; so original. The first chapter had me hooked and I love the Dr. Seuss lines at the end... perfect.

Two minor notes, in chapter 1, you write percieve, and it's spelled perceive. Also, chapter 2, you use the word there several times towards the beginning, when their is appropriate. Just some minor editing needed but that's just nitpicky; in case you missed it.

Very well-done and happily backed.

Denise

This is a clever and intelligently put together plot with a writing style to match.
You have some immense descriptions that set this up so well.
Great characters that are both real and fantasy woven together in a brilliant story. Good luck.

Welcome aboard, Berlin. This website will improve your writing craft, if you allow it. I'm a bit of a pitch doctor, having read thousands of pitches in my time on this website, so I want to share my insight here with you. You have to think of your pitches as your sales tool to grab the casual reader's eyes. The short pitch works. For the long pitch, end it with one succinct question to pique your casual reader's interest. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year and have the most commented book, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

FLOOD LINES
This is an imaginative story. I like the premise: no matter what, evil finds a way to survive. The way you’ve mixed the real world with a fantasy one let you create a good mix of characters and settings. Makes this a good read. I’m adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

You are so totally fantastic, Berlin! :) How can I ever thank you for backing my 2 memoir books?
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :)

Berlin, Interesting plot, and I would buy this book. It feels real and not forced. You should be very proud. I would buy this book as gifts. I hope to see this published very soon
I wish you the very best
Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

My bad...I just read your about me section and realized that I HAD read your about me section already! Did it yesterday when you backed Revelation....I see where you said you are still working on it, so forget my little grammar tips...haha. You have a great thing going with this so keep working it.

I hope you're enjoying Revelation,

Case

This has a lot of potential. I didn't read your about me section so I don't know if you have said the book is edited or not, but you would benefit from doing a sweep through and correcting the little spelling and grammar errors.

For instance:
Chapter 2- Everything from (there) big boxy teeth to (there) scroungy tails--their not there (in both instances).
Chapter 2.....disgusting creature into (ones) body--needs apostrophe to show possession

These little things distract from the story, and I think you have a good read here so we don't want that!

All-in-all I think this is good. Very imaginative and I like your characters.

Check out Revelation for my take on angels....

Case (Revelation)

What a brilliant premise. The only thing I could pick fault with, and this shows you how minor it is, is that I would have liked names of characters in the long pitch. As for the prose, I found it eminently readable. And what a cracking way to end chapter one. This is a great idea and you write so intelligently, yet never in a pretentious way, I think this a sure-fire hit, particularly with a YA target audience.
backed with pleasure
Carl
The Time hunters

Dear Berlin, I got so excited when I saw that you had backed, "He Loves Me." :) Thanks so very much. :) Since I have already "backed" your book, I will also put your book on my "watchlist." Could you please take a moment to "back" my completed unedited memoir version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which at the end tells of my illness now & 6th abusive marriage. I'd be ever so grateful. :) Thank you. :) Love, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs. :)
When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved...authonomy.

Hi Berlin, I wondered who the father was talking to? His daughter or was he practicing a speech? These scenes fascinate, the imagery of the universe snow globe, the world a terrarium, and the serpent that swims. Uriel’s attitude towards mankind is also remarkable before the flood. The present-day people interwoven with the old story makes this very intriguing! Happy to shelve – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Flood Lines is a brilliantly written and I can see this doing very well. I only had the chance to read the opening chapter, however I'm keeping this on my shelf for when I have more time to read on.
BACKED
Aimee

beautiful concept which grabbed me. I could see the ark on the ocean from this alone. I love stories where people and events from two separate time zones come together to form an adventure they both learn from.The opening is very well written with good imagery and flowing writing. The story unfolds well, one layer at a time. Very well done.

Hi,
Backed this yesterday.
I, too, have a soft spot for the squamata.
Intriguing clash of dimensions, nice details about Dane's eyes, voice, clothing, demeanor. Azalea is suitably clueless at the beginning, thereby creating a tension for her about Dane's origin and the time discrepancies on her clocks. Eric the bar boss is credibly drawn, laconic, all about the work.
Good luck with this intriguing project. Marianne (Saint Paddy and the Sundial)

Nice Alice in Wonderland feel to the start of this... and oh, something bad is sure to happen...

This was really something different. And that's important to me when I'm looking for a book. It's also well written and made me think! So interesting! I think you've done a wonderful job.

Missy
Mark of Eternity