A Touch of Evil

Susan, your first chapter was intriguing enough to sweep me into the second. I like the mix of narrative and dialogue in these sections.

Good job. Backed with pleasure.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Suzanne Ethridge;

You certainly have woven a plot that is sure to excite and move the reader. I notices somethings that I thought would help the script read better. Please keep in mind that this is ONLY my opinion.

"As did the magnificent paintings of African, men and women dressed in colorful attire that adorned the walls" cannot stand alone as it is not 'a complete thought'. If it is your desire to connect this with the prior sentence, you can do that by using a dash. Also, you don't need a comma after African.

Consider: The smell of sweet herbs caught Joyce by surprise--as did the magnificent wall paintings of African men and women dressed in colorful attire. (Notice I added 'wall" before paintings and dropped 'that adorned the wall' to eliminate unnecessary words.

The paragraph where you begin "the room they entered was ordinary with a veneer of mystery just below the surface," I believe you should revisit Kevin since he was only mentioned at the beginning of the story. You also may want to bring in Quintella who you are following into the room.

Consider: Kevin and I followed close behind Quintilla stepping into a room that was ordinary except for the veneer of mystery just below the surface.

There need not be a comma after "He was an imposing man... nor should there be one after dignity.

Look through the manuscript for other such occurrences. This will make the script tighter, giving it a more professional feel. It is clear you have a good story here - with some editing it could be great. Happily Backed.

Ida L. (Silent Storm)

Hi Susan, I lived in New Orleans for a short time and I like your novel anbd I BACK IT!!! If you get an opportunity take a look at mind. Harold Alvin (ICON)Wesley

Nicely written with good dialogue and pace. Backed with pleasure. Colin

Very interesting storyline, but I would suggest a little "tightening". While you do a good job of introducing Joyce and the priest, I believe the reader would like a little more insight into Joyce's thoughts. More "showing" instead of simply "telling". For example, in the 2nd paragraph, explain why those things took her by surprise. What did she feel and why? Let us inside her. Be careful avoid cliches, especially with the priest (i.e.."how quickly his mild demeanour had changed to something dark and mysterious" - again, show us that demeanour. Explain the difference, don't just tell us about the facts. Again, let us in.)
My biggest thought is that you should read it outside to yourself. Whenever you find your mind wandering, stop. I will bet those are the places that are just "telling". In my INexpert opinion, you need to let your voice out more.
Good luck!
- Genevieve
p.s. I'd love to hear what you think of Under the Same Sky sometime.

Genevieve, you are so sweet and thoughtful to post such a wonderful critique of my story. I certainly will take your advice to heart and hopefully this story will be improved on.

I do plan on posting more chapters in a few days and in those I believe you will get a clearer picture of Joyce and the others with her. I don't know if this is the right way to write a book such as this one or not, but I like for the characters to get to be known by the reader a little at a time, then by the end of the book, a clear and perfect picture of everything will be before the reader.

Thanks again, you have been a great help. I do plan on reading your book just as soon as I get caught up with reading the others ahead of you who has read my book. Again, thank you so very much.

An intriguing piece of fiction, well-researched and highly imaginative. I was engaged and gripped right from the start! You continue with a quick, punchy style interspersed with strong descriptions, and it really helps keep the reader's heart racing.

Backed with pleasure.

Abi xxx

Thank you so very much for those kind and thoughtful words. I do plan on posting a few more chapters in a few days. In the mean time, I will read your book as well as others who have taken their time to read mine. I will also back yours too.

Thanks again.

I'm really liking this! New Orleans is such an atmospheric place to set a book so it instantly adds something extra to the feel (I should know, mine starts there too) But the story itself is great, such a unique premise! I'd want to read this from front to back if I had the means and the time. I think you've done a wonderful job with this. Kudos to you for doing something different and taking us into a rather unknown world.

Missy
Mark of Eternity

Thank you Missy for those wonderful and kind words. I do plan on posting more chapters in another few days. I will take a look at your asap as I have a few readings to catch up on.

Thanks again.

I'm really liking this! New Orleans is such an atmospheric place to set a book so it instantly adds something extra to the feel (I should know, mine starts there too) But the story itself is great, such a unique premise! I'd want to read this from front to back if I had the means and the time. I think you've done a wonderful job with this. Kudos to you for doing something different and taking us into a rather unknown world.

Missy
Mark of Eternity

Very interesting storyline, but I would suggest a little "tightening". While you do a good job of introducing Joyce and the priest, I believe the reader would like a little more insight into Joyce's thoughts. More "showing" instead of simply "telling". For example, in the 2nd paragraph, explain why those things took her by surprise. What did she feel and why? Let us inside her. Be careful avoid cliches, especially with the priest (i.e.."how quickly his mild demeanour had changed to something dark and mysterious" - again, show us that demeanour. Explain the difference, don't just tell us about the facts. Again, let us in.)
My biggest thought is that you should read it outside to yourself. Whenever you find your mind wandering, stop. I will bet those are the places that are just "telling". In my INexpert opinion, you need to let your voice out more.
Good luck!
- Genevieve
p.s. I'd love to hear what you think of Under the Same Sky sometime.

An intriguing piece of fiction, well-researched and highly imaginative. I was engaged and gripped right from the start! You continue with a quick, punchy style interspersed with strong descriptions, and it really helps keep the reader's heart racing.

Backed with pleasure.

Abi xxx

An engaging account with plenty of suspense and good imagination. A decent premise which is quite compelling.

Backed,

Lisa

A TOUCH OF EVIL
This is a super imaginative story. I found the pitch a little confusing because of all the characters mentioned, but things cleared up nicely when I began to read the book. You have an effective writing style for this type of story; there’s a lot of back story to explain here and you could have been caught in a trap of trying to explain all of that down front. Instead you string it out on a need to know basis. Makes this a good read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt/Fatal Error).

Dear Susan, I love that your heroine prayed, "Oh, Father, please let someone see us," then later, "Our Father which art in Heaven" - beautiful - God really is the only One that can help. :) -my memoir says that. Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your recap/pitch,which was very well done. Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book to help it advance - this will help yours & mine move up on the charts. :) Could you please return the favor by taking a moment to "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every "backing" you do moves your book & the other person's book closer to the top. :)

Welcome aboard, Susan. This website will improve your writing craft, if you allow it. You have to think of your pitches as your sales tool to grab the casual reader's eyes. The short pitch TELLS instead of SHOWS. With the long pitch, break it down into smaller paragraphs so it reads faster. End it with one succinct question to pique interest. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Susan this is well written and flows, great description and style, backed JohnWarren Lasting Images, please review, jw

When you say that 'the Bokor'' enters her room you assume that we know what a 'Bokor' is. We haven't read the book yet and readers don't like a confusing start, they may give up. There is a lot of potential here and voodoo will always have an audience. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

Nice going!1 Great dialogue...rather creepy already and backed!

You have an incredible imagination and the talent to put it into words. Books of this nature ussually do very well on Authonomy and this will be no exception. Joyce is sucha unique and yet down to earth character. I am backing this with pleasure! Welcome and good luck! If you have a minute I'd love for you to take a look at my book.
BACKED

Liz
The Cheech Room