Drift

DRIFT
This is a good story. Fern is a good main character; she’s likable and sympathetic because she wants to win Sam back again but as she says, “her magic doesn’t always work.” I think you’ll find a large young teen audience for this particularly among children who have recently moved and had to start a new school (and that’s a large number). They’ll easily relate to Fern and want to follow her to see how all of this plays out. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt/Fatal Error).

I like your use of the first person narrative and how you explore her inner thoughts and feelings. Your character development of Fern and Sam is built solidly and the dialogue is perfect for the age group. Your descriptive writing style coupled with the aforementioned ensures that your story will have a broad based appeal with the YA audience. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

This has everything that quality YA fiction should contain. A great pitch is followed by some very fluyid, accessible prose. Fern is an excellent MC and one that female readers everywhere could identify with. There is enough mystery and intrigue in your premise to ensure an excellent read. Well done.
Carl
The Time Hunters

Wow, Alison this is really good.
Well rounded MC in Fern that the reader finds themselves rooting for straight away.

Interesting and exciting read.
Happily shelved
Melxx

‘Drift’ sets up a classic teen conundrum in its first chapter– what to do when grown-ups make inconvenient decisions that affect your life. So far, so girl-next-door… But like many books for the younger reader today, this book seems to have a touch of magic up its sleeve. Fern is an everyday teenager now, but will she soon be a mermaid?
Luk7, PIXELATED

Thanks so much for you feedback it is really useful.

To Fern the moving to the otherside of town is a big deal as she won't get to see him as easily. It's something a lot of people have commented on but I feel its crucial to the way the rest of the story builds when they return to school. He still needs to be close enough to go to the same school.

I will think on this and look at implementing you other comments when I'm not on my lunch break. I will also make time to read you story too as a thank you as you've been very helpful.

The Drift

Alison Payne

Pitch

Now his mum has a new boyfriend. . . I would say.... Now Sam’s mum has a new boyfriend. Just make the definition sharper, use the characters name.

New boyfriend and a new house. . . I would say new boyfriend and house (don’t use the word ‘new’ twice)

By the end of the pitch I have conflicting thoughts about Fern, I’m not sure if I want to like her or not. That maybe exactly what you want to achieve, I just thought I’d share my view.

C1

The artful dodger was a thief and a pickpocket, I’m not sure it was a suitable similie here. Sam is only moving to the other side of town, that’s not far (in my minds eye anyway). I think for me the impact of the friends separation would have meant more if Sam and his mother were moving to a different town completely.

I liked the way the characters relationships interacted and felt comfortably settled into the story by the end of your chapter one... Shelved of course...Best of luck to you.

Wilma1 - Knowing Liam Riley - I hope you enjoy reading it

The Drift

Alison Payne

Pitch

Now his mum has a new boyfriend. . . I would say.... Now Sam’s mum has a new boyfriend. Just make the definition sharper, use the characters name.

New boyfriend and a new house. . . I would say new boyfriend and house (don’t use the word ‘new’ twice)

By the end of the pitch I have conflicting thoughts about Fern, I’m not sure if I want to like her or not. That maybe exactly what you want to achieve, I just thought I’d share my view.

C1

The artful dodger was a thief and a pickpocket, I’m not sure it was a suitable similie here. Sam is only moving to the other side of town, that’s not far (in my minds eye anyway). I think for me the impact of the friends separation would have meant more if Sam and his mother were moving to a different town completely.

I liked the way the characters relationships interacted and felt comfortably settled into the story by the end of your chapter one... Shelved of course...Best of luck to you.

Wilma1 - Knowing Liam Riley - I hope you enjoy reading it

OY! Leave me hanging with only four chapters! I need more! This is great writing, nice fast flow, pulled me in from the first paragraph! Well done! Backed with pleasure!
Christi Watson
Wonder: Heart of Captivation- A Thief of Life Novel

Its a good start to an interesting story. So far the characters seem to be fully realised and hope that you'll consider posting more to see where this is heading. I don't know if switing POVs to tell the story from Denny's perspective is effective in providing some background information. It got distracting and a bit annoying at times as a reader I would much prefer to hear the story from Fern's view and perhaps from Sam's side of things before Denny's. But in any case will back for now and wish you good luck.

This is like, oh my God, so totally fabulous: teens have such terrible times but while there's swimming and hope and spells that might just work, it's all worth it. Backed by Brammers, The Kingdom Within.

Hi Alison,

Really enjoyable and definitely my type of read! YA will love this, and you have really good use of first person.
Sam (Fallacy)

I love your characters, especially Fern and her mother, eccentric but fascinating. I love the spells too, especially since we're not sure that they've worked. Your narration is chatty and amusing. You describe Fern's exclusion from the grown-up conversation with wit and without self-pity which is a rare quality in YA. Your dialogue reads like speech and Fern's asides ring true and reveal her character with skill. Backed. Lynn

One word, I think can sum up this work...QUALITY...almost too good for YAs.
Backed !!
Frank.
You may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of Sicilian Shadows) for a further possible backing of your book.

A residing yes
Helen

Hi Alison, I was happy to back this having read the first two chapters. You've made a good start and I look forward to you posting more. Let me know and I'll take another look.
Best wishes, Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

Alison, you might want to consider that 'feelings isn't' is a tense contradiction. Perhaps, "...feelings aren't the only changes..."
"...the chance to ruin the blossoming romance..." puts me in mind of a petulant little sore loser and kind of puts me off the MC.
The book, itself, is competent enough. I can't really judge this kind of YA... being unfamiliar with it (old pool hall beer guzzler guy), but it 'looks' right for the genre. Good luck with it. On my shelf.

I like your use of the first person narrative and how you explore her inner thoughts and feelings. Your character development of Fern and Sam is built solidly and the dialogue is perfect for the age group. Your descriptive writing style coupled with the aforementioned ensures that your story will have a broad based appeal with the YA audience. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

The writing is very good, reads well, flows well. Your main character is engaging and you got her attitude across nicely. te dynamic of girl realising she loves the bloke when he starts seeing another girl is quite a familiar one, but the mystical vibe from the mother gives it a new twist. wasn't really sure how the swimming comes int ti, didn't really follow that part of your pitch (might just be me though).

Overall a well written piece. Backed.

Hi Alison, I liked these characters, their problem being separation, their memories of times together. It’s written with the underlying emotions but sticks to the action. I had to go back and find where Denny’s POV began – setting off that section or a transition would help. Her section is interesting for YA since she’s remembering that period herself. It gives dimension to Fern’s story. I enjoyed this! Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

I think this story has a lot of potential. One small suggestion - when the point of view switches from Fern to Denny and back in the first chapter, I would put an asterisk or some other physical mark, as the transition isn't immediately obvious otherwise.

There are some minor grammatical edits needed here and there - a few of them in your pitches, which are the main selling point for your story - so I'd start with a careful read of those!

Amanda
'The Roman and the Runaway'

I love this piece. It's gorgeous and believable. Your characters are strong and easy to empathise with their fantastic yet real situations. There is an excellent sense of style here, real and distinctive, which does you credit.

One thing I noticed was the occasional error in punctuating dialogue, but that should be easy enough to rectify on the next edit.

Backed with pleasure.
Abi xxx

Should I admit it? I rather enjoy chic lit. This has a good pitch and a lively voice plus an excellent premice. Backed with pleasure.
BADD

Great story, liked the 1st kiss.
You have lots of talent.. keep it up!
Backed with best wishes.......mikegilli The Free

‘Drift’ sets up a classic teen conundrum in its first chapter– what to do when grown-ups make inconvenient decisions that affect your life. So far, so girl-next-door… But like many books for the younger reader today, this book seems to have a touch of magic up its sleeve. Fern is an everyday teenager now, but will she soon be a mermaid?
Luk7, PIXELATED

Like this opening very much, relationship bridging physical boundaries. I think the character building of the mothers and the hint of values and home life that Fern was brought up in sets her up so, so well. One thing that did jar slightly, was how would a typical 14 year old know, how a typical fourteen year old would react, slight loss of perspective (for me), perhaps the picket fence could be given an age?
Very much like the style of this, feels right for the market and where I’m at, at the moment; the plot is developing very well. – Good luck.

Dear Allison
Your book inspires and threads a fine path. It is stimulating and provocative in content. Your style of writing is unique and offers up a treat. It was indeed a pleasure to read it. Got a few formatting issues.
Backed
The Lord of the Dawn. Beyond 2012.

Welcome aboard, Alison. This website will improve your writing craft, if you allow it. You have to think of your pitches as your sales tool to grab the casual reader's eyes. Brilliant short pitch. With the long pitch, break it down into smaller paragraphs so it reads faster. End it with one succinct question to pique interest instead of tucking it away before the end. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Wow, Alison this is really good.
Well rounded MC in Fern that the reader finds themselves rooting for straight away.

Interesting and exciting read.
Happily shelved
Melxx

This has everything that quality YA fiction should contain. A great pitch is followed by some very fluyid, accessible prose. Fern is an excellent MC and one that female readers everywhere could identify with. There is enough mystery and intrigue in your premise to ensure an excellent read. Well done.
Carl
The Time Hunters

The opening dialogue is very natural and mirrors the speakers. The mother, despite her little foibles, grew on me - as mothers do.
Now that Sam is moving, the narrator's dilemma deepens as Sam seems to grow cold on her and her love seems unrequited.
And so you seamlessly set up the reason for the narrator's experiments with her book of spells and, though they have never previously worked for her, the seed of doubt is planted that, one day, a spell, almost like a wish, will work and happiness in romance might be hers again.

Shelved.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

DRIFT
This is a good story. Fern is a good main character; she’s likable and sympathetic because she wants to win Sam back again but as she says, “her magic doesn’t always work.” I think you’ll find a large young teen audience for this particularly among children who have recently moved and had to start a new school (and that’s a large number). They’ll easily relate to Fern and want to follow her to see how all of this plays out. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt/Fatal Error).