Book Jacket

 

rank 2096
word count 23839
date submitted 06.05.2010
date updated 02.06.2010
genres: Fiction, Fantasy, Young Adult
classification: universal
incomplete

Being Grey

Gina Keliher & Kari Milburn

Pure, damned or are you Being Grey? A witty story about teenage lives and loves whilst trying to rid the world of evil.

 

Alice and her four friends are average kids growing up. Movies, shopping, picnics, more shopping and falling in love.
They also have a very special role to play; they are 'Gifted' and can sense the very Being of a person. They can sense if on the inside someone is pure or damned.

Whilst trying to make the world a better place, who knows who you'll meet? After all, there really is no accounting for who you fall in love with..


Don't know where the prologue went so updated June 2nd.

 
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tags

action, being, coming of age, death, family, funny, humour, love, mentor, mother, teen, young

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Prologue

 

 

 

 

It’s not a good thing and it’s not a bad thing. You could call it a talent, but it comes with some drawbacks; like being an ‘A’ list celebrity will mean dealing with paparazzi every day.

The night of my 6th birthday I discovered my destiny. It involves killing people.

I suppose its best to start at the beginning.

 

My sister, Lisa, is two years older than I, but our birthdays are just a few days apart, so we always shared parties until she grew out of pineapple and cheese on sticks. It was my sixth birthday, Lisa’s eighth, and my mother had arranged for a magician. We’d decided it would be fancy dress and had spent half the day eating too much and generally trashing the house as only young children can do with twenty of their friends.

I heard my mother talking to someone at the front door so I ran out to see which of my friends had arrived late. There was a gentleman standing there with a black cape, a black top hat and a rabbit in a cage. My first impression was of tremendous excitement until I noticed my mother’s face. I’d never seen her looking so horrified. Her back was rigid, and she stood before him in a way that I’ve realized since was one of defence. She was defending the entrance to our home from him. She was telling him he had to leave. Leave now.

I crept up to her and peered at the man from beside her. At first she tried to push me away but then she held me close as she talked to the magician.

In later years I’d learn that the look on her face changed from determination to resignation – there was almost sadness there. “I really think you have to leave. There’s obviously been some sort of mistake”.

“This is 12 Bluebell Drive, Alice and Lisa’s birthday party?” The magician said.

“Yes it is. But I don’t want someone like you around mine or anyone else’s children.” Her voice sounded calm and controlled, but it was laced with anger.

The colour on his face had drained but he recovered quickly. “What do you mean? I’m the magician. See? Here’s my rabbit.”

“Leave now and you’ll live a little while longer. But I will find you and I will kill you. It’s what I have to do when I look at a Being like yours. I know what you do to children. I can’t prove it but I don’t have to. My only interest is in stopping you and the only way I know how is to kill you.”

These were distressingly strong words coming from my mother – she was always so carefree and calm. The laughter lines on her face proved her vitality. Hearing her like this, however, didn’t scare me. It felt like a natural side to her that I just hadn’t met yet. I finally turned to the man on the doorstep. His eyes narrowed and I saw something I can’t fully explain. Try to imagine someone breathing out when it’s really cold and frosty outside. That plume of warm breath like a soft fog against the cold air. Now try to imagine it seeping out of every pore of a man. Now see it as dark as night.

I ran to my bedroom hearing the front door slam and my mother’s steps on the stairs behind me.

Alice, you sensed it, didn’t you?”

I knew what she meant and I nodded numbly.

She sighed, “Darling Alice, I knew you had the ability but I didn’t want you to have the responsibility that comes with it yet.” She held me close, thinking before she continued. “Every second daughter born of someone who can sense Beings and every first son will have the ability. It’s been passed on for hundreds of years. We can sense the good in people as well as the bad.”

“Mummy he was leaking darkness.”

“So you could see it?” She’d asked, nodding. “You will find some people that have so much goodness in them you will almost be blinded by the light that pours off them. That fog you saw is what we call a person’s Being. And everybody’s Being will appear to you as a colour, varying in shade, from a blinding white light, through shades of grey, to the very blackest black.”

It had frightened me. And here was my mother telling me that we all had these Beings in us.

“What colour am I?”

My mothers smile filled the room with such warmth, that I suddenly saw her properly for the first time in my life. And she shone with such a purity and brilliance that my breath caught in my throat. “My darling,” she said softly, “you are as white and as pure as snow. We help the good people; the people who have Beings that are the purest brightest white. We help put them in positions of influence so they do the right thing for humankind. Like provide jobs, start charities, find cures for deadly diseases. It’s a very special gift sweetheart.”

She told me how I could inspire and do good in the world with my ability. She explained how there were many of us, and that one day I would belong to a group who could protect the good from the evil. To such young ears, it sounded like fairies fighting goblins.

Sometimes now, that analogy fits far too well.

“The magician downstairs, he is completely evil; his Being showed us. He is the type of person who does bad things every day. His Being can not be saved, and people like us, people who can sense and who understand, we know that he must be dealt with. We must make sure that he can never harm anyone ever again. This is the downside to our gift. The dark side. When you sense a Being like his, there is no redemption for him. We have to remove evil like that. You have to kill people with damned Beings like that.”

 

That night she took me with her to a kill for the first time.

 


 
Chapter One

 

   

 

 

I recently had my fist solo kill and it wasn’t that bad. I happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, putting petrol in my car, when I saw someone run outside ripping off a balaclava and carrying a gun. Maybe it was the right place at the right time. He had the oozing damned Being that only I could see. Bit of a no brainer really. I put the car in drive, got out and with amazing luck managed to pin the guy between my car and his getaway car. His driver panicked and put his foot down and virtually cut him in half. Then the getaway driver surrendered. Well, really he was throwing up so bad he wasn’t going anywhere.

I told the police it was an accident, I hadn’t realized I’d left the car in drive (not that they really cared) and I was hailed a local hero. Turns out the cashier inside had been shot moments before and if I hadn’t been there he may have bled to death.

As first kills go I think I got lucky.

 

It’s not the same for everyone who is ‘Gifted’. My ability is through sight but others sense it through smell, taste, touch or any number of senses.

I’m seventeen now and am comfortable with my ability. Maybe that’s because I have a great mentor who has taught me the history of the ‘Gifted’, maybe it’s because I’ve met others like me, or maybe I feel like part of a superhero group. Even though we’re not, of course.  

 

“Hi Adrian, its Alice.”

“Come on up, I’ll buzz you in.”

Adrian lives on Millennium Drive in Canary Wharf. Very nice apartment. He’s my mentor. Adrian is 34, looks 26 and has the knowledge of a 99 year old. He has smooth black skin and a shaved head, dresses in Armani and wears shiny brown brogues. He is handsome and I see him with a gleaming white Being.

Poppy met me at the door with a Diet Pepsi, “It’s bloody scorching out there today.” She  said.

Poppy is my best friend. Born Penelope Adelaide Howard to Lord and Lady Howard who reside (never live) in the most magnificent manor house with at least 200 acres of land in Surrey. Poppy lives (never resides) with me, is a champion horse rider, excellent hunter and recently had her first kill. With a polo stick. Don’t ask. She has the most beautiful auburn hair, which spends 95 percent of the time in a ponytail, is about 5ft 2in with bright green eyes and is slender and constantly bubbly. I should hate her but she’s infectious.

Me, I look like Alice in Wonderland. Without the headband. Have no idea how my mum knew to call me Alice. Long blond hair to my waist, blue eyes and a sprinkling of freckles across my nose.

“Ah, the gang’s all here.” Adrian points out.

The gang consists of me, Poppy, Stefan, Annabel and Robbie.

“Stefan had his first kill last night.” Adrian looks proud as he says this. He’s mentored us all for a while now, and now that we’ve each ‘gone solo’, I suppose there must be a little satisfaction in it for him; at the very least, approval that none of us have been caught and arrested.

“How was it?” Annabel asked. The first one can be gut wrenching. No matter this is what we have to do, taking a person’s life is never going to be a fun job. We know our kills are evil people. Evil beyond all hope of salvation, but they were once good. Or at least I like to think so. After all, I believe every baby is born with a pure Being.

Robbie is a little different. Robbie doesn’t see a person’s Being like I do. Instead he senses them through pain. If a person has a damned Being, Robbie feels the most excruciating pain that can be horrific to watch. Because of this he doesn’t hesitate in his killings for even a second. He may be the youngest member of our group but he definitely has the highest kills so far.

A few years ago Robbie’s parents passed away leaving Robbie in charge of his younger brother, Luke. There is nothing in the world that Robbie wouldn’t do for his brother. He will kill every damned Being in the world if that’s what it takes to protect him. They live with Adrian which I’m glad for, as its one more person to watch over Luke. I don’t want to imagine what Robbie would be like without him.

“Now, now Annabel. You know we don’t all like to brag about our first kill. Suffice to say it’s over and there is always more work to be done.”

Adrian is one of the good teachers. The kind that you can have fun with, but when it comes down to business he knows we take him seriously. We respect him. We actually trust him with our lives, as he’s taught us how to kill cleverly. And he’s always cooking.

“You know all about people with damned Beings and you know there are those with pure Beings; it’s imperative to look for the pure Beings as these people hold the key to our future. When you encounter them, and unfortunately this won’t be as often as the damned Beings, be sure to find out more about them. Introduce yourselves.”

“What, just go up to them and say ’Hi, I can sense your Being and you’re gonna go far in this world!’” Stefan laughs, “Isn’t that going to freak them out?”

Adrian sighs, “You just have to meet them. For generations we’ve been seeking out the pure Beings and putting them into positions of power; heads of corporations, teachers, researchers, law enforcement. We’ve built a hierarchy to enable those with a pure Being to find their right place in the world, where they will excel.

“Our job is to make sure that they keep their Being pure so that they can share their specialty with others. The twelve year old entrepreneur who now owns one of the largest company’s in the UK, employing over a hundred thousand people. Without our help, he would probably have never made it. We gave him opportunity, and he moulded it. And the young law student who graduated with honours and suddenly found his calling on the stage. He brings humour and passion to millions of people, putting a smile on their face that might not have been there if it were not for us helping him.”

Adrian continues, “We look for that someone who could make the world a better place.”

I know this is important but I’m trying not to laugh. Poppy is sat there with her mouth open and her eyes glazed over. Without a doubt she’ll find more people with pure Beings than anyone. She just attracts the good people in the world. She is completely enthralled.

“So that wraps up the lecture for today. Anyone care for a sandwich?” And with that, Poppy’s spell is broken as Adrian wanders inside to the kitchen. I hope it’s not the cucumber sandwiches again.

“So it was bad?” Annabel returns to Stefan’s kill.

I can see from his face it wasn’t pretty. Stefan is the oldest of our group. At 23, 6ft 3in and built like a rugby player, you’d think Stefan could break every bone in someone’s body with no trouble. But he’s also the one who has the most problems with the killing thing. He’s gorgeous, a prankster and has one of the biggest hearts around.

I think his best asset though is the way he senses Beings, through body temperature. When he encounters someone with a great Being he gets hot. I’m waiting for the day when he meets a pure Being as I’m sure his shirt will have to come off.

“It started out fine. We were in an alley, no one around; all I had to do was make it look like a mugging gone wrong. Then I pulled my arm back, I was going for one good punch to knock her out, I leaned closer, swung my arm and slapped her.”

“Why did you slap her?” I think we all asked that at the same time.

“I didn’t mean to, I’m just not the type of guy to punch a woman! Anyway, what could I do then? She was horrified, I was horrified but I knew I had to finish it so after she slapped me back I eventually got it right.”

I’m sat there looking a little like Poppy a moment ago. I know my mouth is hanging open and I daren’t look at anyone else because I know I’ll start laughing. I wait for what seems an eternity for someone to say something and when no one does I glance over at Robbie. I’m done. He hasn’t moved a muscle but I can see tears of laughter running down his face. I can’t help it I do one of those horrendous snorts of laughter and then we all start. Stefan is completely purple with embarrassment but then starts howling with laughter himself.

“Sandwiches are ready.” We hear from inside.

“Come on Slappy, let’s eat.”

 

Chapters

1

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Stec wrote 719 days ago

I really, really like this. The whole idea is fantastic and very clever. Right from the very first few lines you're hooked in, and I don't think there are that many books on here that do that. It would make a great read for its target audience.
The dialogue is also extremely well done and I can't believe this isn't destined to rise further.

A very good example of the teen genre. I wish you well with it.

An extremely white being. (I hope)

Steve

carlashmore wrote 746 days ago

This has just the most fantastic premise for a YA book. Your prose is also very fluid and eminently accessible for the younger reader. Great dialogue and actually very orginal. Actually, that's the word that stand out for me. I can't think of another YA story like this here and for that you get an unreserved backing
Carl
The Time Hunters

britneyjmartin wrote 743 days ago

I love the voice in this story, and I found no errors within the first two chapters. Your pitch drew me into reading this, but your storyline and plot kept me entranced. I love the whole concept of seeing one's "Being" as much as I love the character name's you have chosen: Poppy, Alice, Stefan. Young Adults will dive into this story because here is a group of kids, around their age, who are practically maintaining the good and bad in society. I love this concept, and I'm backing it on premise of pure enjoyment and originality.

Best of luck!
Marissa
By Flame's Light

Cariad wrote 479 days ago

This looks interesting. Hell of a thing to discover - that you are to kill people. Good pitch, neatly written and should be much enjoyed by your target audience. Be back to read more tomorrow.
Cariad
STONES.

JeffCorkern wrote 557 days ago

The short pitch pulled me right in.

There is real talent in this but it's undeveloped.

First: Fix the grammar errors and miss-spellings. You're not punctuating dialog properly.

"This is 12 Bluebell Drive, Alice and Lisa's birthday party?' the magician said.

"I recently had my fist solo kill." Yee-ouchies. A dynamite opening sentence TOTALLY destroyed by a typo.

Second: It feels jerky. We don't flow from one scene to the other, we just abruptly jerk there. This feels like lack of experience. You'll get better with practice.

On my WL.

Eunice Attwood wrote 576 days ago

This is a well thought out storyline, and sure to hook your target audience. Great characters who add flesh to the bones of a great story. Backed. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

GK Stritch wrote 656 days ago

Dear Gina Keliher and Kari Milburn,

I didn't expect Being Grey to be so chilling. Your writing is CRYSTAL CLEAR and I love that, excellent. I also think this goes beyond YA.

Best and backed.

GK Stritch
CBGB Was My High School
(Please have a look. I'm especially interested in knowing the thoughts of young people. Thanks.)

Charlieb wrote 687 days ago

Being Grey
I really like the whole story, the idea is brilliant and I like where it has come from and what it will lead on to. It instantly draws you into the book and the ending is perfect and makes you want instantly pick up a next one?!?!? It is short but it does not affect the story, I like like the flow most of the time and that sometimes its slightly choppy but not too much!!

jonboy4171 wrote 689 days ago

This is an excellent example of what the YA generation need to be reading rather than the purile trash of romantic werewolves and vampires!!
Being a lot older than the target readers I wondered if this book would grip me but boy it did!
Characters are crisp and clear and easily defined and the story trots along at a good pace to keep you involved but not too fast as to blur the atmosphere of the book.

Great imagination and full credit to Kari and Gina but bring on the next one as you've left us dangling.....

Jonboy

chvolkoff wrote 698 days ago

I love everything about the way this book is written, the characters, the way the plot moves along, the fantastic idea behind it, etc. However, I am not a religious person in any way, but I don't believe in anyone ever being "damned". And of course, I don't think it's OK to kill people just because some sixth or fifth sense tells you that they are damned. There is not such thing as good people and bad people, and eliminating bad people will save the world. Bad people can do bad things because other people stay silent, and are blind to the true meaning of their actions. Maybe your book is a metaphor for all this...I looked at chapter 20 to find a clue, but there is still some action to go :).
Sooooo, I loved the way of the book so much, that I give it the benefit of the doubt and my backing...no righteousness here, though I am a little worried about where the book is going. Well done, though :)

Anna Pescardot wrote 710 days ago

I immediately liked this. I love your characters and the whole idea of 'beings' is great, especially when the gifted children have to kill them. My free time is short at the moment but I will want to keep on reading this. I think this will do very well. Happy to back it.

Best Wishes

Anna

samtowle wrote 711 days ago

I wanted to read this as after reading the preface as it sounded just my type of book and it certainly didn’t disappoint! I love the idea of the black and white beings, very unique. YA will love this.
Well done
Backed!
Sam (Fallacy)

carlashmore wrote 712 days ago

This is one of the best YA pitches on the site. The prologue works very nicely but it was Chapter one that really brought the piece to life, at least for me. Nice use of first person and I really liked Alice.
Happy to back this
Carl
The Time hunters

zan wrote 717 days ago

Being Grey
Gina Keliher & Kari Milburn

Pure, damned or simply being grey? Nice question. Like your title by the way, as well as some of the themes that came to mind. It's not a good thing and it's not a bad thing. Are you sure this is tagged correctly as YA? I'm not YA and I'm enjoying it a but too much! This reads like good intelligent writing. Your plot is imaginative and your writing style competent. It would be nice to be gifted - I like this aspect of your plot very much. Very individualistic style here which is refreshing. "Come on Slappy, let's eat!" I agree - lunch time here and if I continue reading this stimulating book and neglect my family, someone will have to ask someone in the real world as in your fictional world, "Why did you slap her?" With the innocent response, "I didn't mean to, I'm just not the type of guy to punch a woman! Anyway, what could I do then?" She neglected her kitchen duty!! LOved this Gina and you bet, I'll be back to read more when I can find the time. Happy to back it and all the best in getting it published.

Stec wrote 719 days ago

I really, really like this. The whole idea is fantastic and very clever. Right from the very first few lines you're hooked in, and I don't think there are that many books on here that do that. It would make a great read for its target audience.
The dialogue is also extremely well done and I can't believe this isn't destined to rise further.

A very good example of the teen genre. I wish you well with it.

An extremely white being. (I hope)

Steve

Stec wrote 719 days ago

I really, really like this. The whole idea is fantastic and very clever. Right from the very first few lines you're hooked in, and I don't think there are that many books on here that do that. It would make a great read for its target audience.
The dialogue is also extremely well done and I can't believe this isn't destined to rise further.

A very good example of the teen genre. I wish you well with it.

An exremely white being. (I hope)

Steve

delhui wrote 722 days ago

Dear Gina and Kari --

First off, as another pair of sisters who write together, let us just rejoice in the existence of such close sisterhood!

Okay, with that out of the way -- Wow. We haven't found many books on this site (or anywhere, probably) than Being Gray that provides a better brief, spot-on characterization than yours. Adrian's "smooth black skin and shaved head", Alice's resemblence to Alice in Wonderland. You take care of the necessary without bogging us down, yet our mental image of each person stuck and helped us keep track of everyone beautifully.

We also love the premise. It's unusual, and your dialogue & narrative feel authentic without being clunky, awkward, or trying too hard. Nor could we immediately spot any places where the continuity broke, and we know that writing together can sometimes come off sounding schizophrenic -- your story does not. :)

We could not, in fact, find anything to seriously nitpick in the first three chapters, so we're simply going to back Being Grey with great pleasure! -- Delhui, The Long Black Veil

Famlavan wrote 722 days ago

This is a great storyline!
I think this has real commercial value it has (for me) a sense of authenticity that will draw in the target market. Funny with fantastic dialogue I have a feeling this should do well! – Good luck

Barry Wenlock wrote 725 days ago

Hi Gina & Kari, this was a very enjoyable read -- so different from the usual. I hope the YA market isn't so totally obsessed with vampos and weirdwolves that publishers ignore a great story like this. Hopefully not.
Backed with pleasure, Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

Pia wrote 727 days ago

Gina, Kari,

Being Grey - Poppy, Stefan, Annabel and Robbie have special talents, they see the colour of Beings. The pure ones are supported - the damned ones have accidents. The grey ones can be saved. The group have a mentor, Adrian, whose mission is to look out for pure beings who can make the world a better place.
A dark and quirky story told with a unique voice, which will be highly enjoyable for the targeted age group, although publishers of YA fiction will be weary about literal killings, no matter how far offstage they're happening. Maybe they turn out not to be literal killings, more like metaphorical deaths, lessons learned, or something like that. I'm curious where the story is going. I like the tone, it's fun and has great promise.

Follow-up from backing. Pia (Course of Mirrors)

jahek wrote 727 days ago

I love the premise of your story - ideas like this always fascinate me. Backed

Jane Holyoake (The Spiral Pendant

Awash wrote 729 days ago

I enjoyed your fresh and unique story line. The abilities your teens have are really incredible – I especially like the ability to borrow a little of the pure being and inject it into others, so others realize what they are dealing with. That would be useful, indeed! To be honest, I’m not thrilled about the killing in a YA book, but that’s just my personal preference, and I wouldn’t encourage my kids to read a story where they talk about killing so commonplace. I understand the premise, I just don’t believe anyone is beyond redemption, and as a mom, that would keep me from buying this book for my kids.

Nit-picky edit—bottom of chapter one says, “I’m sat there looking a little like Poppy…” Maybe I sat there?

I am shelving your story because it is well written and your story line is really good. Good luck!

Amanda

quackers wrote 729 days ago

Hi Gina and Kari,
I’ve read to chapter seven and showed I was enjoying the story. Loved the names, they separated the characters nicely. Only a tiny comment, in that there is a great deal of conversation. I use conversation myself, but you also need to settle the reader, effectively slow the story down a little. This is a novel not a script which means you’re heading for eighty to a hundred thousand words. That is a lot of conversation.

Keith

Unit T Special Forces
Silver Moon

happypetronella wrote 732 days ago

Interesting idea and well written. Enjoyed reading. Backed because I found this original and the story kept my attention throughout.

Beval wrote 733 days ago

This is highly orginal and fresh. I'm not sure if this bunch are heroes or villians, but the possibilities for them being both are intriguing.
A fascinating set of characters with some pretty amazing abilities. And, apparently, very strong stomachs.

writingwildly wrote 734 days ago

Loving this!
Your first line is killer. So great.
I am really impressed by your style, by your immediate ability to grab the reader and pull them under. Terrific writing.
backed
Genevieve

Jadey ladey wrote 734 days ago

This is the kind of novel I would advise my friends to buy (I never lend out my books) I loved the way you opened it, it's so forward but yet we want to know more backed with pleasure.
Jade - Breaking Through x
(Feel free to have a look)

tolkienfan wrote 735 days ago

Where can I get to read the end of the book? I'm completely hooked!

klouholmes wrote 739 days ago

Hi Gina and Karl, Good rendering of the Being concept and the actions, also going right to the meeting. I felt acquainted with the characters by the second chapter. Because the first scene was a kill, I wasn’t sure what they were going to do with the pure Being? The white light was effective. In the moral zone, this is certainly provocative for teenagers! Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)


A Knight wrote 739 days ago

What a hook. First line in and we're right there. This is wonderfully polished. I enjoyed myself immensely, and you've kept the pace moving along nicely. An excellent effort.

Backed with pleasure.
Abi xxx

Esrevinu wrote 741 days ago

Gina and Kari, This is the kind of novel I would give to my friends--there is some good writing here.

I hope to see this published very soon

I wish you the very best

Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

Robert Sherwood wrote 741 days ago

fantastic opening, I like the way you described the event that took place outside the gas station in the beginning. I am backng this book. Please take a minute to look at my book, i think you will like it.

tolkienfan wrote 741 days ago

I loved this! Alice is such a average teenager with normal problems and ecclectic friends. But her double life is so cleverly added that it's just very normal for her.
Reminiscent of early Buffy shows in my humble opinion! and I agree - it would make a fabulous TV show!

tolkienfan wrote 741 days ago

I loved this! Alice is such a average teenager with normal problems and ecclectic friends. But her double life is so cleverly added that it's just very normal for her.
Reminiscent of early Buffy shows in my humble opinion! and I agree - it would make a fabulous TV show!

mongoose wrote 741 days ago

Backed this already but wanted to make a few brief comments. This has a great beginning, very dark indeed and a very clear voice. I could imagine it as a graphic novel. I worry just a tiny bit about so many of the central characters being out of their teens, for a YA novel. But maybe unneccessarily.
Nits? Speech tags. .....today.' She said. I think the norm would be ....today,' she said.
Hunter? Huntswoman I think is the norm. Hunter would imply US gun hunting. Or the welly boots!
I wasn't entirely sure about the fact they all have plenty of money. Maybe a little more tension could be evoked if one didn't? Just a strange thought.

Anyhow, I enjoyed the four chapters I read very much.

Gilika wrote 741 days ago

Hiya, this has all the makings of a very popular book. You obviously have an amazing imagination. However, there are a few edits that need to be made so that the reader can really see what is going on. If you are interested I would be happy to work through chapter 1 with you. All the best, Sana x



Hi Sana, Am realistic to know am not going to end up climbing the charts without a lot of help, so any suggestions you can make would be hugely apprecited.
You can email me personally at authors@beinggreey.com
Thank you :)

SRFire wrote 742 days ago

Hiya, this has all the makings of a very popular book. You obviously have an amazing imagination. However, there are a few edits that need to be made so that the reader can really see what is going on. If you are interested I would be happy to work through chapter 1 with you. All the best, Sana x

Owen Quinn wrote 743 days ago

excellent choice of cover and pitch. this is perfect material for a young adults tv show. likeable lead with a mixture of friends each with their own personalities. the dialogue spins off into a life of its own weaving a wonderful world which the reader is happy to revel in. backed with pleasure.

britneyjmartin wrote 743 days ago

I love the voice in this story, and I found no errors within the first two chapters. Your pitch drew me into reading this, but your storyline and plot kept me entranced. I love the whole concept of seeing one's "Being" as much as I love the character name's you have chosen: Poppy, Alice, Stefan. Young Adults will dive into this story because here is a group of kids, around their age, who are practically maintaining the good and bad in society. I love this concept, and I'm backing it on premise of pure enjoyment and originality.

Best of luck!
Marissa
By Flame's Light

KW wrote 744 days ago

This is a very intriguing story. I'm interested in the idea that these kids are 'Gifted' and can sense whether someone has a good or bad 'Being' and will kill the bad ones. They all look incredibly happy. To be pure: I wonder what that's like? I'll be back to read more when I get a little more time. Backed for now.

Lockjaw Lipssealed wrote 746 days ago

I beg to differ with some of the comments below....this is a tough sell as YA. The writing is good, the story is solid, the characters are engaging,but the audience is wrong. I can happily support the book, not the target audience.

Lockjaw

hot lips wrote 746 days ago

This isn't really my genre, but it is really professional writing, I thought it might be. A very good pitch and first chapter. I don't criticise under the book but I will have nothing but praise to put in messages. Backed with pleasure.
BADD

mariecapri wrote 746 days ago

Hello Gina and Kari. You have managed to make your voices as one in your writing, a gift in itself. I had to read the opening scene at the petrol station twice. It certainly grabbed the imagination and made me want to read on to see the theory behind Alice's gift. Alice and all her friends are described well and the story develops quickly. It's different! Backed with pleasure and wish you both the best of luck with this! mariecapri (Cosmic Linx)

carlashmore wrote 746 days ago

This has just the most fantastic premise for a YA book. Your prose is also very fluid and eminently accessible for the younger reader. Great dialogue and actually very orginal. Actually, that's the word that stand out for me. I can't think of another YA story like this here and for that you get an unreserved backing
Carl
The Time Hunters

mikegilli wrote 746 days ago

Amazing mix of classy fantasy,family type humour,
and teenage adventures
Shelved with a laugh. from the pitch I suspected a Christian
tract in disguise
cheers................mikegilli The Free

Andrew Burans wrote 747 days ago

A marvelous and entertaining premise for the YA audience in the fiction/thriller/fantasy genre which is finely crafted, well paced and well written. Your character development of the teenagers, Alice, Poppy, Stefan, Annabel and Robbie, is superb and you do a great job in taking the reader from them being typical teens to their special gifts. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

yasmin esack wrote 747 days ago

Dear Author
Your book inspires and threads a fine path. It is stimulating and provocative in content. Your style of writing is unique and offers up a treat. It was indeed a pleasure to read it.
Backed
The Lord of the Dawn. Beyond 2012.

A. Zoomer wrote 747 days ago

I had my first solo kill, it was recent and not too bad.
Cool premise, I like how you unfold the story.
On my shelf.
A Zoomer
Going Out in Style

jfcincy wrote 748 days ago

Great beginning! I wanted to read more just from the first sentence. You've got a great premise here. The group of kids are engaging, all age appropriate teenagers, and dark and twisty killers. I love how you describe Adrian the first time he's mentioned, and he is so intriguing. I wanted to know what his game was.
Well done.

Julie Farkas
Morning Call

eloraine wrote 748 days ago
eloraine wrote 748 days ago

Reall well done, backed with pleasure. E.Loraine Royal blood Chronicles book one

soutexmex wrote 748 days ago

Welcome aboard, Gina & Kari. This website will improve your writing craft, if you allow it. I'll be your second comment. You have to think of your pitches as your sales tool to grab the casual reader's eyes. The short pitch TELLS instead of SHOWS. With the long pitch, expoand upon it, give us a mini-story arch, then break it down into smaller paragraphs so it reads faster. End it with one succinct question to pique interest. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Word_Hurler wrote 748 days ago

This is very original and your writing is excellent. I was able to get into the story from the start. Great Job!

A couple of little nits (just minor things that may help polish: This needs an apostrophe: as (it's) one more person to watch over Luke....
also...
You say Beings a lot in this paragraph, which sort of distracts from the read...you might consider restating it in some way: ("You know all about people with damned Beings and there are those with pure Beings....)

Case (Revelation)

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