Torture Me With Your Kiss

Xavier has a strong voice, and you do well with the grotty details of his underground life. The plot, combining the personal (his obsession with Ally) and the political (vampires vs. dhampirs) has a lot of potential. Another editing pass would be useful to smooth out some repetitions and unnecessary words (do you need to mention how Edward and Jack are dressed, when it's almost exactly the same description?). I wonder if you might be able to introduce the characters more gradually? As it stands, I had to concentrate to keep track of them all, and we're only 4 chapters in. Other than that, this is an urban fantasy that could do well. Good luck!

Your book is very interesting and I think if could do very well. One problem that I see with your work is an abundant amount of “I”. I some time fell like I’m just saying, “I, I, I, I, I”. I’m assuming that this is maybe your first edit. You could do wonders with your work if you didn’t over use the “I”. The following is just a consideration of how you could rewrite the first two paragraphs. In the following two paragraphs I have removed all the “I”s and change sentence like “sharp breeze carried” with is past tense to present tense “sharp breeze is carrying”. I have end some statement shorter like “It was autumn…” to “It is autumn.” Shorter sentences make statements that are more believe able to people and I switched to present tense. Hope you find some of what I changed useful.
Wishing to be like them to live without secrets, to stare at myself in the mirror and to know that my face would be different in twenty years, these are the results that come with change and age. Watching all this happen from the sidelines and knowing the risk could never be another’s life for my happiness, my eyes know reality. Humans have no idea how damn fortunate they really are. Ignorance is best.
An abandon movie theater supports my body while the yellow paint peels from the brick like the dead skin after a bad sunburn. A sharp breeze is carrying the noxious smell of the car exhaust and rotting leaves. It is autumn. Not yet cold enough to hunker down beneath a tattered quilt in the skeletal remnants of a theater seat.

I enjoyed your exploration of the inner angst of Xavier and his view on life. What you have posted so far is well written and well paced. Your character development is excellent and your descriptive writing style makes your vampire fantasy a most enjoyable read. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Very exciting read and well written. Great settings and you mange well to hold the reader's interest.
backed
THE LORD OF THE DAWN

Welcome aboard, Madelaine. This website will improve your writing craft, if you allow it. I'm a bit of a pitch doctor, having read thousands of pitches in my time on this website, so I want to share my insight here with you. You have to think of your pitches as your sales tool to grab the casual reader's eyes. The short pitch confuses as what are dhampirs? For the long pitch, expand on the story arch; we need more details, then break it down into smaller paragraphs so it reads faster. End it with one succinct question to pique your casual reader's interest. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year and have the most commented book, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

A really intriguing read that does a good job of engaging the reader from the start. Good characterisation, not sure if we need to know that many up front, but I got used to it very quickly.

Very happy to shelve.
Melxx
Impeding Justice.

I love the POV you've chosen. You pulled me in immediately with her voice and her situation.

Your dialogue punctuation is off. This may help:
http://rebecca-hamilton.com/?p=14

Overall you have a good story. I think a site like critiquecircle.com might help you polish this. (it's a free site--I've used it myself)

Good luck with this. Great characters and an interesting premise. Should do well with a little polish.

xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

Madelaine,
Some advice I received that I will pass on to you.
Be careful about product plugging. It’s good to add some specifics but don’t over-do it.
Early in ch1, in a single paragraph you have Alexander Keith’s, Campbell’s, and Skippy.

Also you insert a lot of character names in a very short time. Xavier, Tatiana, Samantha, Jack, Benjamin, Ally, Headmistress Bone.
Let us get to know your MC a little better before the full cast of characters is brought in.

You do a good job of painting a scene and I didn’t notice any nits to bring to your attention. You have done a good job editing.

These are just my thoughts, I hope they are helpful.

MickR – The Nightcrawler.

Dear Madelaine, I love your adventure - wouldn't that be something else if my husband was half vampire & that's why I'm so weak, I can't get out of bed every morning because he sucked all of my blood out - lupus is really the reason I'm sick - if this is false. :) Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your recap/pitch,which was very well done. :) Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book: When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved...authonomy. :) Please "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs. :)

Madelaine,

Love the title. This is an interesting story so far. It starts kind of slow for a first chapter. The pace needs to picked up a little INHO. The end picks up more and ends in an intriguing place leaving me wanting to read more.

It’s not clear why Ally needs to be turned over just because her brother was turned. That needs to be made clear. Otherwise the action seems to have no purpose.

I also think the reader needs to know in the first chapter what a Dhampir is and how it differs from a vampire.

There’s two extra quotes in “Let me up? Is there anything wrong?”

Should be, “Nice robe.” I smirked. Because I smirked is an action tag, not a dialogue tag so it should be a period after robe.

If Tat left the room to find her cell phone how does Xavier know she finds it under a pile of laundry?

“and had a martini full of fanatical sex and a beer shaken gently but not too well.” I don’t think this works very well. I certainly can conjure up fanatical sex, but the rest of the description doesn’t give me any pictures.

Why isn’t Ally more surprised about the human comment? Does she know there are vampires and Dhamphirs? Otherwise she seems to let the comment slide to quickly.

Overall this is an exciting read, it seems to be a little twist on the vampire story. I say seems because I haven’t read a lot of vampire stories. I’ve read Salem’s Lot, I tried to read Anne Rice, but didn’t like her writing. I do read the Antia Blake Vampire series and really like that. I do watch True Blood and The Vampire diaries, but have not desire to read the books.

Anyway, I enjoyed the read and am happy to back this!

Laurie – Into The Master’s Lair

What a fascinating story aptly set with the first chapter. A Story of vampires and secret club told in the most contemporary manner which adds to the intrigue. Your writing is excellent and very effective, fluid and fast paced. Great suspense and hint of challenge by Xavier hooks the reader from the start.
Backed earlier and I just read more to comment.
Rakhi (Sir William...)

Madelaine, there is great fluidity to your writing which makes it such a pleasant read. You move the plot forward nicely and your dialogue is particularly pleasing. There is an awful lot of vampire books on the market so you're certainly in a crowded genre but you have a unique voice which will serve you well.
Backed with Pleasure
David
Bailey of the Saints

Dear Madelaine
Your book inspires and threads a fine path. It is stimulating and provocative in content. Your style of writing is unique and offers up a treat. It was indeed a pleasure to read it.
Backed
The Lord of the Dawn. Beyond 2012.

This is fabulous. Straight into the intrigue of vampires and secret societies, missing persons. The hooks in chapter 1 never seem to end. Looking forward to seeing the rest of the story. Backed, Sana x

I am so envious - 18 years old with such mature writingtalent! You are well on your way to greatness. BACKED 100%

Liz
The Cheech Room

After the mention of year, 1923, a mention of locale might anchor the reader into the storyline. The writing is excellent, and as everyone knows, a market exists for this work. Backed. Chuck (Paperboy Adventures)