Under The Veil Of Darkness

Sugar, maggots and dead bodies is a very interesting description of your book, but fits it very well. The opening chapter was very riviting and the chapter ends with a clank. Very frighting opening to a story that switches paces very quickly and continues with each following chapter. Excellent book.

UNDER THE VEIL OF DARKNESS
This is an unusual story: told from the standpoint of a man everyone thinks is dead. That made the second chapter a little confusing, but okay. Your writing style is so good, I just kept reading and reading until I was much further into the story than I had planned to read. Overall, a good read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Read the first three chapters and loved it. The beginning reminded me of Gilman's The Yellow Wallpaper. And then you moved into a James Patterson type of pace-short chapters and paragraphs. Really liked this a lot. Very curious about Cassandra and the Regal Dress Shoppe. Could find no errors (doesn't mean they aren't there-my eyes aren't as eagle as some of the other authors). Quite a mystery. Highly rated and recommended. Hope you go far with this one-ED or publication.
Dina of HOTD and BJ

Excellent piece of work, I love the main character, very gritty. Very dark and ominious book. I was hooked.

I love that we slowly learn that your MC is dead in the morgue. It is an eerie but really interesting revelation for the reader! You did a great job with the chapter length and holding my interest. It was perfect. I don't see anything that I would consider changing. I was really impressed. High stars for you and on my watch list! :) Oh, and I'll comment off and on as I read more. I really want to find out what happens next!

Best,

Ashley

I love this. It was a bit long, which you should cut into maybe many baby chapters of like 3 or 4 or for each scene. Just something for you to think about. But yes, I loved this. It had a great ‘dead person’ voice and had me intrigued the ENTIRE time. I would act just like Selby in this situation. I would probably be more freaking out though. The idea of them not hearing him and that he was ‘dead’ was awesome. I have never read a story that had a corpse character. I thought I heard of one once but I have never read it. This is great. I have nothing bad to say about it except that it’s too long. 6 stars. Future shelf. I’m very curious where this is going. The whole chapter felt like it had a beginning, middle and end.

‘I have got to breath’ should be ‘breathe’

‘gases-trying-to-escape analogy’ sounds redundant. maybe just say ‘gas analogy’ or you don’t even have to say after that.

I live how the pitch doesn't reveal too much. It made the first chapter a better read. Not knowing what you are getting yourself into and it being superb is a great feeling.

Has been non my watchlist for ages but now had a proper look. Not an original POV - starting with a corpse as a narrator. Alice Sebold and Orhan Pamuk have both used corpses to narrate. However I really enjoyed the first chapter of this. I never thought I could empathise with a corpse but I just about can now. The loss of control/faculties but retained sensory abilities are well described and quite disturbing. I think the main thing you need to work on after the first chapter is charactericsation of the MC. I would have liked to get to know more about him and empathise with him as a living character. No doubt you can write well and your plot is intriguing but I think we need to root more and sooner for your MC for you to succeed with this and keep all your readers turning the pages.

I have read every bit of this book it's wonderful, and I love how you keep the suspense alive though out every chapter that you have posted. Please, keep me posted if you upload the rest of the book.

Hi Robert, Great job here. I am a fan of the thriller genre. You got me hooked. As a lover of great coffee, I loved those descriptions. When will the ending get uploaded.

Where's the next chapter? I'm completely hooked on this. It's a brilliant storyline.
Just one little critique; You should tighten up the writing. Don't use more words than is necessary.
For example; The sentence, ( Tommy grabbed the zipper and slowly zipped the bag shut, and I heard a long and drawn out zip. ) could be shortened to, ( Tommy grabbed the zipper. I heard a long drawn out zip slowly shut the bag.) There are a few other sentences that need tightening too. But all in all this is a fantastic plot.

I think this is a great idea - the MC being put in a body bag and morgue drawer. I will have to say that the phrase preconceived comprehension left me baffled, hopefully I'm just a dolt and it's clear to everyone else.
Best of Luck and keep writing
Bill Scott
Haktaw Heart

As I promised I have had a look at your book and I have read the first two chapters.
I've spottedn two typos: 'rest of house', instead of 'rest of the house'; and the adjective 'conscious' instead of the noun 'conscience'.
I thought the premise of chapter 1 was very good and I have not seen it before, seeing the scene from the dead's person's point of view. and it had a very good ending, when we learn that after all the narrator was not the corpse either. However, I think it could still be better.
There is no difference in style between the first two chapters; however, I feel the story would be stronger if the first chapter was slightly different, being a dream as it is. Not so to the line descriptions. It must be really distressing to find out that you are dead, or that they see you as dead, total anguish, especially when they put you inside a bag! And I did not feel that as much as it could have been. I found strange that the narrator, knowing he was seen as dead, had so much interest in describing what was happening but not in trying to remember how he might had got to that position, for example, or that abandoned so easily his attempts to communicate.
Also, I feel the detail description of what is happening makes the initial effect of realising that the character is dead wear off, half way through I lost interest, that just picked back at the end because I felt it was a sweet touch that the last character directly talked to the corpse and a very good way of introducing the information that the narrator is not the dead person after all.
In regards to the second chapter I think it suffers from a dearth of information on the main character, which made very difficult for me to sympathise. We learn he does not sleep well, he drinks, he sets the alarm clock for 6am but gets up at 7.30am, and he could be a womaniser. But who is Selby Ryder (very good name by the way) I do not know. I could not feel that little thread that would compele me to continue reading to unravel the drama of this character.
I did think very clever that Selby tries to remember what happened with the girl the previous night, which led me to believe that the first and second chapter referred to events closer in time. And as the chapter went on it was a good unravelling of what actually the first chapter was about and the ending sets the tension for the ones to come.
Concisely, starts as an interesting plot, but I would suggest working on atmosphere and characterisation.
I hope you find my opinion useful

Hi Robert, H.Welsh here, author of 'Jonny Dark. Sorry I took so long to get back to you, work you know. I read your first chapter and have to say enjoyed it very much. There are a couple of Typos that I'm sure you'll get around to fixing, if like me you edit and re-dit. I must have edited mine 100 times and even change some chapter positions. Anyway about your book. The idea is pretty unique and the story telling is vivid. After the first few paragraphs I thought I'd guessed right that he was dead and was the kind of nightmare you get when you're asleep but try to waken and can't. I was pleasently surprised to find it was a man in a womans body. I will read on just in case I'm wrong. In the meantime I hope you'll take a look at 'Jonny Dark'. Yours H.Welsh.

I must say your book is interesting!
perhaps I can interest you also for my book?
It's not such a good crime likes ur, but I'm working on one 'n promise when it's done I'll let you know! until then I'll enjoy reading yours...

Hmm. I'm not sure what to say about this. I found the opening incredibly hard to read, if I'm honest. The language felt a bit flowery and a lil bit 'try hard'. But, as I read on and realised that the MC was dead, it picques my interest. I liked the perspective - I don't read horror usually but this seemed an original viewpoint. The linking in between the pain he feels and the biological processes of what's happening to his body (the pain the the neck - the skin splitting) worked very well. You manage to convey the confusion nicely.

The use of ellipses felt a bit un-natural to me in some places and some editing is needed to polish it up. The description of the sounds - clomp, mish etc - didn't really work for me. It felt like something I'd find in a childrens book and confused me a bit, if I'm honest about what kind of book this was and when it continued into chapter 2 I was again wondering why it was there - the ring ring of the telephone for example. Also, I didn't understand the stutter at the beginning of chapter 2, not sure if I missed something there.

Having said that - I do think you have a very original idea bubbling away here.

Silva

Impressive plot. Love to read the complete novel.
All the best.
S>VInay kumar
The ark and the curse of the oracle

It's definitely intriguing, the turn of phrase and the imagery are great, very evocative. I feel that the style is laid on a bit too thick though; there's a lot crawling horror for very little action, and you could in fact tell this amount of story in far less words.

Couple of technical points; all those ellipses... some of them... have to... go... I see what you're doing, trying to recreate the disjointed thoughts of the decomposing body. It's a clever way to handle it, there are... just a... few.... too... many.

The other thing is that it's exceptionally hard to write from the PoV of a completely passive protagonist; goes to the length of the opening chapter and the amount of story told for the wordcount.

It's a good piece, very evocative, but you're still grappling with the technical issues involved in writing from the perspective of a corpse.

You asked me to look at it and I did. I want to look at completed novels though. No rating/no opinion. Cheers

I love the horror/mystery genre so I can confidently say this is well-written. It hooked and absorbed me immediately. Good job. I have so many books on my watchlist and I'm trying to catch up. When I do, I'll definitely come back to this and read more just because I want to!

I never have been really into the whole horror- mystery books, but it is quite intriguing. Thanks for sharing your book with us, I hope it goes far.

Hi Robert,

Just finished the first chapter of your book. Can I start off by saying that I feel I'm out of my genre as far as personal taste goes so please keep that in mind when reviewing these comments.

First of all, the premise is very interesting. It maintains my curiousity throughout the chapter. The ending to the chapter is powerful -a great hook.
I found the second part of the chapter had much more flow than the first. The first part seems a bit wordy and overdescribed. If he is semi-conscious, I think his descriptions of his bodily sensations should reflect that. I think the language could be sparer-the precision of the language makes the reader feel that he is acutely aware of the things happening to him. perhaps the language could move from spare and sparse to precise as he regains his consciousness and awareness. It would also build the tension towards the end of the chapter.

As this is a 'big' idea, I won't suggest smaller alterations. If you like the idea -I will go through again and make more detailed suggestions.

From the first chapter, I think your book has real potential -perhaps just allowing a little more space for the reader will make this a great read.

Best,

Kaal

Engaging. Fast moving. Well written. I enjoyed it, and would recommend it to those who enjoy this genre. -libraryman

I can't say this is anything close to the usual things I read. But I took a look at itand enjoyed it. I likethe way you describe certain things and make me think instantly what that charecteris going through. A good read so far. I will certainly try to read more. It is eerie so far and interesting.

I read three chaps. It certainly has its own voice. I can't say it is my taste of reading, but I appreciated the touch of insanity in the narrative. It makes it more realistic, considering the main character. The opening was great--tender hooks. Then the end was like someone hits you on the head--I was so surprised. It is intriguing, and I wish you all the best with it.
God bless!

--Shieldmaiden

Loved what you have uploaded. Unravelling the mystery is very intriguing. Please let me know when you have uploaded more chapters. I can't wait to find out what happens.

Julie Stevenson
Stacie

"Would be appeciative if you'd consider looking at my book and backing it if you like it.

Robert Mourningstar."

Oh my Gosh, Robert. What a mild note from you for such a wonderful piece of work! I'm on chapter 12 and am still thoroughly entranced. You have a wonderful style. I intend to read every word you've posted. This is a book I'd buy in a heartbeat. It reminds me of Steinbeck's East of Eden. The dialog is realistic. The inner monologues are so believable and well done. The characters are so well developed. I could almost smell the coffee. The funny thing is, I was finding small misspelled things and missing letters here and there ( not to worry, a good copy editor will tune.), but my my day job is textiles and I was going to note to you before I knew, challis is a fabric not a goblet (chalice). I thought you had a misspelled word until I read further. Very good.
I'm definitely starring, WL and will shelf. ( and go back to finish :)
Good luck with this. It's now one of my favorite books on Authonomy and I'll be so glad to see you make the ED. Thanks for asking me to read.
Connie
Moonstone Beach
Achilles Heart (series)

This is a fast-paced, action-packed beginning, that leaves the reader breathless. A dead body, but not dead and a girl, but not a girl. What an eerie beginning. I would love to have seen this as real, rather than a dream sequence. The conversation between Selby and Shadow Johnson is very tense, and implies to the reader that Selby knows something dark and mysterious about the prostitute. We know he enjoys a drink or two and has overnight visitors so we are inclined more towards thinking he is possibily involved. But the killing of Cassandra is violent, possibly done by more than one person and Selby listens at the door. But the detectives won't give him any details. I read to chapter 9 without realising I had read that much. Great hook and high stars for a mysterious beginning. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

Hello Robert,

I have put you on my w/l and I promise to read you and comment in a few days. I am looking forward to the read - your intro is quite intriguing.

Talk to you soon,

Arlene Karbashewski
"The Treasure Kings"

This is an incredibly spooky book, that left me quite jumpy! Perhaps not the best time to be alone in the house. Anyway, you have clearly achieved your purpose in writing the book, as one of the genres is horror. I like the way the writing is so smooth, the prose flows very well! Clearly deserves a high rating! :)

Robert,
Shaken, stirred and a little on the edge...Great short pitch which totally sums up your character. First chapter was very atmospheric and creepy. Love the fact that we're right there in his head as the realisation dawns. I would have expected him to be a little more affected when he woke up...pretty bad dream after all, but then this tale has a quirkiness that allows for him to get up shrug it off and continue with his day. I like his asides to the reader and also like the way the backstory filters in. His recollections of things long gone are so descriptive you're immediately there with him. The chapter where the boys first get the key is particularly funny in a realistic adolescent way.
There is some repitition of words for example the para where you describe the brothel, you use the word brothel 4 times in quite a short para. I also didn't quite get the need for telling us the sounds i.e. "ring ring" "thump thump" I think probably sufficient to say the phone rang, his head thumped.
I enjoyed this Robert, an unstable MC allows for anything to happen...I'm upto ch8 so I'll continue and follow the twists and turns.
Thanks for a good read
Babs

Hi,

You spin a good yarn, that's for sure. The opening is gripping, and your descriptions of the place are very well done indeed. I did find some odd word choices, that for me were a distraction. Does sight emerge? Preconceived comprehension was another. Happenstances. Sentimentality of coffee. Maybe you meant that you felt felt sentimental when presented with the aroma of coffee, but I don't think coffee itself can be sentimental. It feels a bit like you're trying to "fancy" up the book a little, but you know what? Sometimes straightforward, plain language is best. You're a powerful storyteller, and I think going back and reviewing some of your word choices would serve the story, and you, well.

Too many rooms in para 3 otherwise this slowly grabs and drags us along until we are right there envisaging the morgue- the tension of which I thought you could of stretched out a little more. The powerful imagery of a mind still working really captures. The end sequence feels awkward and some of the wording needs tweaking. Also it seems over complex in what you are trying to say. The last paragraph encapsulates the dilemma, you tell us far too much and could be more effective by being less obvious.
If you are like me you may spend a fair amount of time editing-one tip take advice but stick to your guns.

Best wishes

Richard

Robert you have a very twisted mind...I like that! Your writing is very descriptive--poetic in a way. The first chapter had just the right amount of suspense...now, I want to read on...and I will. The charater is well developed and I'm getting to know him. I care about what is going to happen next.

Feedback

The first part of the chapter, is written with most of narration as visual description... I think some telling (less showing) is needed to round out the setting and to move the story forward (also there are five senses to play with...use them all if you can...)

Get rid of the word "seemed" (you use it a lot) Second paragraph ..."seemed" to make my eyes water... and in the fourth paragraph it "seemed" to make a... and in the fifth and "seemed like a.. and in the fifth "seemed" to get...

You use "squriming" three times in the same paragraph. I would try to revise it.

"Newspaper echo"....In the second sentence, I would just say "throw the damn paper..."

Needs a little tightening, but this has potential. I would definately read this story.

Cheers,
Dwayne

enjoyed reading and added to my watchlist to read at a later date. wondered if you would peek at my book and give me some feedback r/t us being in similiar genres. thanks.
kendra ziems/autumn lullaby

Robert,

The overall tone is eerie which sits perfectly with this type of book. I prefer books wrote in first person so I clicked with this straight away. The dream sequence in the first chapter was excellent, dark and very compelling. It lured me into the second chapter easily. I’m sure this will be a big success with fans of this genre.

Happy to shelf. Best of luck.
Sam

A good read, kept me going to the last chapter posted.

Under the Veil of Darkness.
Chapter 1 - A man struck down, by something or someone, unable to move or speak and in agony, surely he would be panicking, especially if he didn't even know where he was, I thought. Reading on there was a really punchy hit, he's dead. Reading further I find out it's just a dream. Now I'm disappointed.This is such an overused tool its almost a cliche.
Repetition - House in three consecutive sentences - room in two consecutive sentences in 2nd paragraph and floor.
Chapter 2 - As much as I love Harvey I don't know why this passage is here or what it's meant to convey but I know it slows down the pace. A reader will know your MC is rather befuddled, not knowing what happend the night before together with the words liquor and blur give more than a sense of it. Personally, I'd cut straight to the phone ringing, unless you are trying to get across Selby is deranged in some way.
swelled in my checks - swelled in my cheeks.
formal matter - formal manner.
The last two paragraphs were very good.
Chapter 3 - 'Memories resurfaced like photographs' etc - nice description. Why would Shadow drop his telephonic enquiry? (I know the pitch says he's not an investigative journalist but Selby doesn't at this stage). Selby helped police seventeen years ago so it would be natural, if he was researching the case for an article, to speak to anyone who was involved in it. Personally I'd cut, 'he wasn't going to drop it' and continue with 'I licked my lips' etc.
Selby's seeming obsession with a murdered prostitute indicate he knows more about what happened than has come out. But what? This is the hook the author dangles to catch a reader and keep them engrossed. The pitch shows he has a very definite hold on his story line. For me constant repetition throughout the chapters read kept jarring me out of the read and slowed the pace considerably. Word blindness affects us all so it might be an idea for the author to go through his work and see what can be cut and then polish what is left to make his work as tight as possible. That done, I think this will have a very good chance of succeeding.

Nanty - Chrys!

Hi,
A really eerie beginning to your book. I am no fan of horror, it usually gives me nightmares so I'm reluctant to read any of these novels, but I admire your talent for writing it.
I hate those dreams that seem so real and especially recurring dreams, not that my dreams have been as awful as this one was.
I'm sure fans of this genre will really enjoy your story. As for me I can do without the nightmares, so I'll leave it for now. ( I guess that's the kind of response your after anyway.) Well done, I'll star rate and watchlist.
Cheers Jacoba

I like this it has potential but needs a serious edit. In the first paragraph - whose house(?) I would change the word 'livable' to 'habitable' and 'a foul rotten-smelling odour' seems like too much either - a foul smelling or - a rotten odour would be enough. All this stuff is easily solved and with a good edit this will be a good story.

Hi Robert,
This is a dark tale indeed, and one that easily drew me in. There is a lot of mystery here and I am keen to see what happens at the end. Please let me know when here are more chapters available, as I will be sure to come back and continue to read.
The dream sequence in your first chapter was excellent, very dark but very good.
Just one minor nit from me; I dont think you need "Ring, ring,ring" in Chapter two. Just say 'The telephone was ringing.' Like I said, only a minor nitpick!
In all, I like what I have read and would like to read more. Great stuff so far!

Backed,
Simon.
Yuko Zen is Somewhere Else.

Hi Robert, First, thank you for your comments on The Devil's Bairn. On reading your first paragraph there were several things which confirmed the difference between my British and your American English, as you suspected. - I should say that over here the term brat is not one of abuse, just description, saying in one word that the child is naughty, mischievous and pushing the boundaries as far as he/she dare.

First... fixated. Can eyes be fixated? We use it as a transitive verb, i.e. it needs an object. What are the eys fixated upon? And for laying we would say lying. Laying would indicated laying the table, laying an egg, or laying something down, (from to lay) a different meaning and derivation from lying (to lie i.e lie down). Heigh ho! The other aspect I found difficult was the frequent floods of references to people and events within American culture. Many I had heard of, but many left me blank which meant I probably missed lots of the nuances in this very unusual novel . The lack, of course, is in me.

I was sorry to find myself floundering, I think for the above reason, in what I recognised as a novel full of quirky innovation and colourful descriptions and scenes. Your approach is almost unique - if you have made the dead talk by now, rather than dream - and may well prove a success in the right niche. I wish you well with it. - The title is superb, by the way!

Margaret

I would have liked the body to have gone to the morgue than ending such a powerful story with a dream, not good. I don't know how will the comming chapters succeed, but I was not sure if you really meant it when you ended up such horifying moments of your story with a dream, a mere dream. The reactions, the thoughts of the body and the conversations between the police officers are so hooking and so right for what you want your reader to feel. If the going of the body to the morgue and keeping the horror and excitement did not change the line of your story I would have loved this story to have gone that way than coming to you in your head, in your confortable bed, and then going to the kitchen and making coffee, everything all right. Anyway these are my thought, and I am not and expert. Thanks

Your novel is very fascinating and interesting as well as astonishing. The theme is different from usual methods of writing. You have developed your own style of writing. Surely it would be successful

Joy J. Kaimaparamban
The Wildfire

Just getting into your book, but I like it enough to back it. I love the storyline. I am a fan of this dark kind of novel. Hope you do well. I'll get back to you once I've finished.

Great crime fiction here. I love the attention to detail and the tone of voice. It could use a few more memorable descriptions, physical and otherwise, about the important characters so they really stand out.

I enjoyed this and I'll back it - again.

Brian
Mute

I love your name - it has a wonderful ring to it, I also love the title. This is a fascinating read, which held my attention immediately. You have captured the essence of the characters perfectly, and the storyline is very compelling. I will put you on my WL and as soon a a space comes up on my shelf - there you will be, along with 5 stars. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

I enjoyed this start. I grabs your attention. Others have made comments that something like this (usually the use of a dream) is not well received by potential publishers, but you will have to make up your own mind about that. I found the writing to be taught with good inner dialogue and a great pace. Colin

Dear Robert, I see white fluffy rabbits everyday, [ But don't tell anyone that they are in my head ], plus I'm sure that I've ridden a spotted camel. I loved the way, that you use a certain Sangfroid, that leaves subtle clues, without revealing too much, in your tantalizing mystery. I am not much of a critic, but I am an avid reader. And I couldn't stop reading, [ But chapter four was only where I made it. Thanks to my hungry newborn Son ]. I wish you all the luck with this Robert. Your book deserves to be recognized. All the best for the future. Take care. Cicuta, [ Carl, Arcane ].

This is interesting - somewhat different from the typical murder mystery book. Good work.

The scene gets intense. The details made it real: "He threw up?", etc.

Then the description of the lynching. When I thought it had gotten as bad as it can get...the torch.

Sure was an eye-popper of a chapter. Of course I'm lacking the story leading to this point (ch 7). But whatever it was it must be interesting.

I was very intrigued by the role of the police. It sets up for some certain drama.