New Earth Chronicles

oops backed again

Dear Kourinthia
I started your book a while ago and am just finishing my read. I have backed your book but cannot find the backing so I am taking the time to back it again, and because I believe it is worth it
BACKED BY ME FOR SURE
I do hope you will review my book, comment and most of all BACK it. but either way the BEST of luck with yours
Denise
The Letter

Thank you so much for the encouragement Suzie, I'll take a look at your books.

Dear Kouri, I just discovered that you have a 2nd book for me to back - wonderful pitch & great ending - yes morals & responsiblity for helping others is throughout your story - great write. :) You have nice crisp paragraphs & dialogue, so it moves right along for a very pleasant read. :) I've already backed your book 27 days ago. You'll probably become a famous writer - remember me. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. Hope you'll take a moment to back my 2 memoir books. :) Thanks so much. :)

Great pitch and cover. The threat of the Destruction is a good one and anyone that steals children to be trained as killing machines is unlikeable right from the start and it is only when Destruction looms does the tone switch to even higher drama than at the start. A fine example of the theme of a common foe unites even the deadliest of enemies. Well done.

Hi Kourinthia. I promised you a review of your first chapter some time ago, so here are some thoughts.

First... About your Intro. After reading it, I see that the premise of your book is wonderful. However, I assume that this will not be a part of the final book. I hope not. Why do I say this? Because editors and agents who select manuscripts for publication almost universally state that they hate prologues or anything that smacks of an 'introduction' to the book. They do not want history, character backgrounds, or any such thing. They want the book to begin with an important scene that involves a main positive character already in progress. The idea is to instantly grab readers who have grown up in an era of television that has shortened the attention span of people looking for entertainment.

That's not to say that introductions are strictly illegal. However, if you read the Web sites and blogs of publishers and agents, and pay attention to their "What we want and don't want in a submission" sections, you will see this rule repeated over and over. The presence of an introduction of any sort will cost you dearly. I've read interviews with agents who say that they trash any submission that contains a prologue, without reading a single word of it! You've been warned.


>> Abby came along side the Chancellor 6; its engines were running at nominal and her paint job was still looking pretty good. <<

This is a rare (on Authonomy) example of a perfect opening sentence. (Well, almost perfect. ALONGSIDE is one word.)
It names the POV character, it places her (and hence the reader) in the scene with no annoying dangling in unknown territory, and it shows the reader something that she sees (the paint job). The bit about the engines is a nice touch, too. Well done!

>> If only Abby could say the same for the Falcon; it had some serious self-image issues. <<

You've used a semicolon twice in a row. You used it correctly both times, but most editors frown on them. Twice is over the top.
Erk... You used one again in the next sentence! No, no, no. :)


>> Ravioli and Asparagus in a bar <<

Cute


>> Solaris had and always would be home, but when Grand Chancellor Goren issued the order that all children and young adults under the age of 25 had to be evacuated from Solaris and New Earth, I had to be sent off. At fourteen, I was among the first to be evacuated <<

This sudden switch to first person was jarring. I'm not going to beat you up on it because your language was clean and smooth. But I'm warning you that it might cost you points when an editor or agent evaluates your submission.

Something that bothers me a little more is the fact that this is not an ordinary first-person presentation, in which case the story moves forward as 'usual' but the teller of that tale relates it in first person. Rather, you have a narrator directly addressing the reading audience, telling a story that is PRIOR to the real-time implied by the writing. In other words, I don't visualize events taking place, which is the usual situation for a novel. Rather, I visualize someone standing in front of me, lecturing me on a historical event.

I feel strange making this criticism, because the writing itself is excellent. You have a nice feeling for words, and use them well. Also, the writing is unusually clean, with little or nothing in the way of typos or usage errors.

The problem is that modern publishing is incredibly competitive. Many agents receive several thousand submissions a month, far too many to fairly evaluate. For this reason, they develop quick-and-dirty rules for fast screening. Grammar must be perfect. The opening must be with a scene in progress, no history. Et cetera. These rules are nice and safe. Agents and editors are not willing to experiment with new authors, because the cost of failure is too high. Anything that departs from established formulas for success is too risky to take on. Only established authors with a solid track record of making money are allowed to experiment. What you have here, starting in third person and then switching to first, is not 'normal' in the industry. It's been done, and even done well. But this will cause an editor to think twice about buying this work. Just a thought. I'm now reading on, because the story itself is good!


>> We began our training immediately, in our squads. <<

I would enjoy this a lot more if instead of a narrator reciting it to me as a list of facts, I could be there during the training. Let me see, hear, feel, smell, and maybe even taste the rigors of the training. If you don't think you can pull that off, or you don't want to bother, then you could just skip it. Does the reader even need to know this history? I am very, very, very, very eager to jump into the story. So far, except for the brief time with Abby beside the two spaceships, all I've experienced is a history lecture.


>> the most powerful engines humans had ever made; traveling at near light speed. <<

Use a comma here, not a semicolon


>> The Dest were notorious for their ruthlessness. No one survived an attack ... <<

Most narration from the omniscient author


>> The crisp crackling of an open comm. line came through the earpiece into Abby's ear.
“Yes dear?” Abby smiled. <<

Yes! Yes, yes, yes! This is what I've been waiting for ever since that brief but wonderful scene with her standing beside the two spaceships, wounded. That was great. This is great. Everything in between was...not so great. And please believe me when I say that most or all agents and editors will pass the same judgment on it. Modern genre fiction writing demands that we jump right into the story and stay there, with time relentlessly marching forward.


>> She knew she could really get to Marcus if this comm. was on speaker, but it isn't otherwise she would have heard Rachel clearing her throat in disapproval and Malcolm stifling laughter by pretending to cough. <<

I read this long, complex sentence three times and still could not quite parse it.


>> greetings can you please tell me why you've called me, I happen to be very busy with flying <<

This is the second or third comma splice I've seen, so I have to flag it.
A comma splice occurs when you join two complete sentences with a comma but no conjunction.
WRONG: Jack filled the bucket, Jill carried it up the hill.
RIGHT: Jack filled the bucket, and Jill carried it up the hill.


>> I called to tell you that Sean has picked up a ‘blip' on the radar <<

Great hook.
The next comma is a splice also.


>> She held back a sob and just smiled. “Yeah, no promises.” <<

Nice ending


SUMMARY:

I love the realtime with Abby, the short initial scene with her standing beside the ships and the extended scene at the end of the chapter. You did them very well. The dialog was snappy and believable. At the same time, it was not rambling. You kept the dialog to exactly what needed to be said to move the plot forward, nothing more and nothing less. You have great skill with dialog.

In those Abby scenes you also did a great job of showing instead of telling. You kept the voice of author out almost perfectly. Maybe perfectly.

Your writing was clean and had essentially perfect grammar. However, you did overuse semicolons. Some editors request that you never use them, so be careful.

The situation in those Abby scenes is excellent. We have the perfect combination of the Dest hook and the interpersonal relationship. That's a formula that reliably works. Editors will love it. I loved it, too.

But sigh. I don't know how to say this diplomatically, but I have to say it. If I were writing this and wanted it to be published, I would absolutely, positively cut everything else in this chapter. That narration of backstory violates some serious rules of modern publication. Frankly, it's also boring compared to the excellence of the Abby scenes. I loved being down in the world of the novel with her, hearing her conversation with Marcus and feeling the danger of flying into Dest territory while a blip is showing on his radar. That's wonderful, very well done. But I do not want to sit through a lecture on the history of this world. I'll learn that history from context as I go along. Conversations and thoughts will reveal it a little bit at a time if you do it well. Please believe me when I say that having an omniscient narrator deliver an information dump in a big block is bad style. It will be a huge impediment to publication.

I hope this helps. You have a lot of potential here. You are an excellent writer with a solid novel in hand. I wish you the best!

Sandy Samson

Welcome aboard, Kourinthia. This website will improve your writing craft, if you allow it. You have to think of your pitches as your sales tool to grab the casual reader's eyes. The short pitch is brilliant. With the long pitch, end it with a succinct question so it piques your reader's interest. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Burgio,

Somethings never change. Saving their new homes from environmental disaster spurred on by their neglect seemed a pretty big step in the 900 or so years into the future this story is set. Saturated fat and calories may come a little later.

Kourinthia

NEW EARTH
This is an interesting story; timely, certainly, because at the present rate, people may well destroy the earth and need to move to another planet this way. You’ve created good characters for this (altho I was surprised they still ate cheeseburgers and fries – guess people’s intake of saturated fat didn’t change with the New Earth). The dialogue . . . the settlings . . . this all feels real. Makes it a good read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

John,
Obviously I am too. The idea of humans having to find a new home and the possibilities that come with that need just interests me so much. Hope you enjoy reading the book as much i enjoyed writing it.

Kourinthia

Always a sucker for post apocolypse worlds.

Good luck,
John Wickey
Future's End

Sylvia Lumley,

Thanks for the help.

Kourinthia Burton

Well done. Backed with pleasure. Oh, the other thing is, loose the super big initials that start a chapter.

I know I'm going to love this, but chapter 1 needs to start with the paragraph: Abby came along side the Chancellor 6. All the rest needs to emerge as time goes by, getting fascinating glimpses as we figure out what's happening. Showing us, not telling us, that's the secret of a exciting story. Good luck with this.

This has the feel of "classic SF," the kind I used to read growing up, but with 21st century characters and dialogue. I like the short chapters. It moves along at a nice pace. A fun read.