Iniko's Children: Pandora's Box

Your pitch is great. Short, precise, and and excellent catch for readers. Your prelude is fresh and has great voice for your reader's. A great pace for anyone. The dialogue is interesting, the characters are intriguing, and the world envelops the reader right away. I like how you switch styles as you enter chapter 1. It is a great way to add texture to the reader's eyes and gives them some nice details. Your sentences look like they are staggered for lengths, which is always nice to find and it seems you don't over use the adverbs. Overall I am glad to be keeping this on my watchlist and bookshelf. I wish you the best of luck reaching the Editor's Desk and getting published. You have a nice refreshing story here for people to enjoy.

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

Just finished the entire book and I thought it was great! Yes there are some similarities to J.K Rowlings, but I also believe that it is also unique in itself and an stand on its own!

I think you have an interesting premise and I think you write well, in keeping with the genre. I think the intensity at the beginning doesn't quite fit with the boy having been missing for 3 weeks, I think perhaps if the boy had just gone missing then the intensity would be at this level. I do think you could do more with the opening to make it worthy of the fanatstic job you have done elsewhere in the book.

I like this a lot. Best of luck.

Laura
Beneath The Blossom Tree

Hi Danielle! I have read the beginning of your book and found it very well written. Backed, and will read more. I am fussy, so this is unusual! Good luck on this, it has big potential. I'd love it if you would take a quick look at mine...either one that appeals to you. Looking for feedback from good writers! ~Gail

I'm sorry for the late reply but when I got to the reading of your novel, I too was engulfed how you've managed to merge two societies. I haven't read much but for me, the two things that make a fantasy novel great, are good descriptive text and a plot that blows the readers head off. I think you've done this very well and you haven't carried the description on too long or made it overbearing.

I look forward to seeing this The Being, an interesting name for an ancient enemy. A part of me is wishing for a tragic and climatic showdown between the oracles and The Being.

An interesting novel, which I've bookshelfed and will definitely read more of in the future.

Feel free to check out my work if you ever get the time.
Darren Hollinshead.

From the pitch i was unsure about this, i am not a huge fan of books about magic. But i found myself reading more than i thought i would. The style you write in is good for this story. I would love to know more about how people look, but with this being a kids book that probs isn't to important.
highly rated, will leave on watch list in hope i find time to read more.

Backed with pleasure

Hi Danielle, you asked me to look at your book and I have now read the first chapter and some. On the plus side, I think your writing is engaging, and your pacing is good. I think you have a lot of potential as a writer, and would be happy to read more of your work.

However I am not going to back this book, and the reason is that it was a little to derivative of Harry Potter. Indeed, your plot seems to almost deliberately emulate Harry Potter. This may not, ultimately, prevent the book being successful. Jenny Nimmo's first Charlie Bone book also seemed very Harry Potter like, although that series quickly took its own course. Rick Riordan's Percy Jackson books also seem to very deliberately follow what worked well in Harry Potter to construct a very successful series.

But I think this book does not make itself distinctive in the way Percy Jackson did (by transplanting the sceabrio into another country and a greek mythos). Instead, when a character pulled out his wand, I immediately thought fo Harry Potter fa fiction, and later events confirmed this.

I think for starters, if I was writing this story, I would dispense with the wands!

None of that should detract from your good points here. With a different plot and setting I think your writing would be worth backing.

Thanks for leaving me a message and good luck for the future.

Hi Danielle,

Sorry it has taken me so long to get to your book. I appreciate your patience.

First of all, I love the cover and title of your book - it calls for attention right away. I read through the prelude and the first chapter and started to make some notes as I read, but then thought it best to give a more general review.

The first paragraph of your prelude is wonderful. Right away it introduces the reader to a problem. And what reader could not feel compassion for a mother who has lost her son? This is very effective. I also thought that the murder of the young man and the concealed identity of the “Being” in the prelude works well to fill the reader with a sense of trepidation and curiosity that will make them read on.

I have grown up with the preconceived idea that witches are evil and on the dark side of the spiritual realm, so I found it a little confusing that “The Being” who was on the dark side would kill his own kind. It wasn’t until I conceived in my own mind that the witches and wizards in your book were actually good, that the first chapter started to make sense to me. Most young adults probably won’t have a problem with that idea, It’s just old folks like me who may have to make a shift in their thinking. Still, I thought I’d point out the conflict that was going on in my head for the first part of the first chapter.

The premise of your story is really very good. I concluded that there had been a battle between “The Being” and the wizards and witches. The Being was defeated, but a prophesy told that one day it would return to overpower the people with magical powers.

I really liked what you said about power and how it was the motivation for the “Being” You did a great job with this. However, I did find myself hoping for a little more insight into the “Being’s origination and character. Perhaps that could easily be given in the rest of the prophesy, as that was not really elaborated on.

The last part of chapter one is very interesting as you introduce the box. And you end the chapter with a wonderful cliffhanger. “For the Dark One is coming back.”

I think a thorough edit to clean up the typographical and grammar errors will serve your wonderfully plotted story well. Danielle, you have a great thing going here and I can tell the rest of your story is going to be filled with suspense and intrigue. Highly starred!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Nicely written and well polished you grab the reader from the beginning, highly stared Karen. Faking it in France

First I would say you have an interesting story. YA is not my genre. I think you may need to re-check the Prelude, there are a couple of minor errors and you may want to revise the "Not him to Jim" phrase as that is a little jaunty. Over all interesting I wish you the best with this.

Colleen (Demon Rising)

i can see that your book has potential however i found the prologue confusing and the plot was not something i could get in to although that may be my personal preference. On the other hand, the writing was polished.

Best of luck getting it published

I love your pitch. It drew me in, and your writing hasn't disappointed either. Although YA is not my usual genre, I am finding myself becoming very caught up in this world, it must be because of your easy natural writing style which I love, by the way. I know many YA's who would thoroughly enjoy this. It should do very well.

I don't change my bookshelf often but there is most certainly a spot on there for yours when I do, thank you for inviting me to read this truly enjoyable story.

High stars, good work!

Linda
Threads of Time

just finished the prologue. I think it's going to be a good story. You write very well.

This has a great hook which will appeal to the target audience. I've read the first chapter, and found it to be well-paced with a good balance of description and dialogue. The storyline is interesting with the conflict immediate from the start (I did notice similarities with Harry Potter, but I think most fantasy novels struggle to escape its influence entirely- agents refused to represent my first novel purely because it was set at a boarding school!) The one issue for me was tense confusion and grammar, but this could easily be solved with a good edit. I think you have the makings of a great story here and I'll continue to read it.
Emma

I can see your novel holding appeal for YA readers - the storyline seems promising and witches and wizards always go over well. You've created an interesting foundation with the first two chapters which will definitely encourage people to read on.
However, I do believe your manuscript needs some heavy editing. I noticed that you confuse tenses (past and present) several times throughout the first chapter. Small grammatical errors also drag your writing down. I think that if you had an outside party edit the entire thing for you, it could be extremely beneficial in making your novel that much better. Keep up the hard work - I see a lot of potential here!

- Hogarth Hughes

Great premise and pitch for a story. I am a big fan of this kind of genre. Similarily to my work you would probably benefit from an editor or a decent proof reader. Some of your sentences do not flow as well as they perhaps could and there are a couple of mistakes.

For example in the prelude ‘She was hoping for a good responds from Jim’, should that be ‘response’?

‘No Thank you’ should be ‘No thank you’

I've also tried to rework one of your sentences which felt a bit clunky (in my opinion anyway).
‘She is a nutmage?’
Ben nodded slowly.
‘Then she’s in danger. As a witch in a family with no magical history they will be hunting her like a wild animal,’ said Jim, sounding concerned.

Obviously you can ignore the last bit but to take the project forward I would suggest that you get someone to read it through with a critical eye. That's the point i'm at as well. I've got to decide whether is worth finding £1000 to have my novel assessed and properly edited. The joy of trying to get published I suppose! Good luck and I love what you have done so far.

love 'magic' novels and this is a great one! Only so far read a couple of chapters but engrossed and will finish it as it is now on my bookshelf!
good luck with this story, young and old will love it.
If you would be kind enough to have a look at mine if you get the time?

An interesting and well paced story for all ages. Full of magic, witches and wizards.
It really needs a good edit, before any publisher will look past the first page.
When you ask people to read it, why don't you ask them to look at a particular chapter (instead of everyone reading the first two) ask them to point out any edits. This way you'll get it edited much easier than having to go over and over it yourself, which never works, if they're your own mistakes.
If your using Microsoft Word and you press 'control' and 'f' on your keyboard, a box will appear and you put the wrong word in and the computer will go straight to it.
Unfortunately it doesn't change tense, but I'm sure there's a way.
Here's my contribution to you getting this wonderful story in print:
....CLOSING TIME!" He yelled. Should be 'he yelled'.
"Not him to Jim......Should be 'too Jim'.
believe or know that wizard community exists. Might sound better 'that the wizard community exists'.
Inside its quiet and peaceful. Should be ''Inside it's quiet...' as it is short for 'it is'.
.....giants, and felt warm. Shouldn't be a comma after giants,
Child like is one word...Childlike.
This is the biggy that continues through the book:
His hair was brown, then his desk is made of wood...............
Alan and his grandfather were eating breakfast, which consist of pancakes.........
If his hair 'was' brown then his table 'was' made of wood.
If they were eating breakfast, it 'consisted' of pancakes etc.
My apostrophes are merely to indicate the correction. I don't mean you should put them in.
Most of the paragraphs that I've read upto chapter seven, jump around with the tenses. You need to keep them consistent. It is highly noticable.
One more thing, in your own profile it says 'I have being writing' it should be 'I have been writing'.
I know I might seem to be nit picking, but I really am trying to help. Get the grammar sorted and you have a great story that will be considered by publishers.
I can't read it all sadly, I have so much editing to do myself. It's so hard to spot your own mistakes.
I wish you all the best luck and stick at it gal, you'll get there in the end.
Pollyanna. 'Marsupeople'.

An amusing, descriptive and well written book. Your writing style is very impressive, dialogue are realistic with vivid charachters and narrative is at great pace. Highly rated.

I don't normally read fantasy but I must say I found your prelude quite intriguing, with the hint of magic peppered in (I loved that bit where the bar starts cleaning itself up!) And your pitch was nice and short, in fact you may have inspired me to rework my own!

Your dialogue flows very naturally too, it was a pleasure to read.

Zara M.
The Breakup Project

Hi Danielle,
brilliant ideas and confident, clear writing. You obviously know what you are doing, there is no 'telling' only showing, always the best way.
Great story, intriguing beginning, lovely descriptions.
Will highly star and watch with interest.
Would love it if you'd take a look at mine sometime. Would value your opinion.
Best of luck,
Sharda
http://www.authonomy.com/books/42835/mr-unusually-s-circus-of-dreams/

Danielle,

I found your pitch intriguing and it did its job for me, I was drawn into reading your story.

I like the flow of the book, You start with a mystery and move quickly into the action; very good. I suggest you eliminate the first two paragraphs of your prelude and start with the woman entering Jim's Whiskey Bar. I don't believe her first stop adds anything to your story and delays the reader from being introduced to more important characters.

Keep working on this. I like the premise. Good luck with your project.

I have read the prelude and first chapter. The prelude sets the scene and tone for the novel's landscape well. The first chapter is well written and has a nice pace to it and an interesting plot developing in it. I wish you all the best with your book!

From chapters one and two I can really see this as a children's book. It has the imagination and the plot to keep kids interested. Strictly grammar wise, I'd say it would need some work but hey, that's the easy part. When i read this, it plays like a comic strip in my mind but I think you were were writing it with a movie film running in your mind. Anyway, it was a nice start with solid ideas.

much luck,
Kat Mauve
Rage-holic

From chapters one and two I can really see this as a children's book. It has the imagination and the plot to keep kids interested. Strictly grammar wise, I'd say it would need some work but hey, that's the easy part. When i read this, it plays like a comic strip in my mind but I think you were were writing it with a movie film running in your mind. Anyway, it was a nice start with solid ideas.

much luck,
Kat Mauve
Rage-holic

Dear Danielle,

I have taken a look at your prelude and first chapter. I think you have the foundations for a good story set up, and you definitely paint the scene well at the beginning with the mother looking for her son.

I see a lot of potential in this, and I think your story would fit nicely on the market. I would suggest doing a few more edits and tidying up some sentences - I see other reviewers have made these comments too. Let me know if you would like me to make some detailed suggestions. If you emailed me the prelude and first chapter in doc form, I could make some edits for you to see the kind of things I’m talking about, and hopefully this could point you in the right direction to continue with edits on your own!

Aside from that, I think you should definitely keep going with this. I like the way that you begin, with the desperate mother. It makes your story quite original and different to other ‘magic’ books already out there. I think you could also flesh out the mother’s emotions more -- and in this way can potentially capture a larger audience, by making readers able to identify with Mrs Reem.

All the best, goodluck with this piece and let me know how you go.
.......
Cara
The Awakening: Dawn of Destruction

Dear Dannielle,
I am responding to your request that I look at your work. I have read the prelude and started the first chapter but as a number of poorly written sentences came up, I have decided to stop reading and let you know that I think this work needs to be edited for it to be taken seriously. I have read a number of the comments written below and notice that quite a few other people have suggested that you do some editing as well. I noticed that you have not done any editing on your work since November of last year. Have you given up on this, Danielle? Since you have obviously invested a lot into this work already, I would think you might want to invest a little more of your time and energy to bring this up to the standard that it needs and deserves to be written at. Below are a few of the errors that are holding this work down from a purely technical perspective:
1."Not him to Jim, poor Mrs. Reem first her husband, and now her son, both died!
This obviously needs to be rewritten. I think you are striving for something like:
1a. "Oh, no! Not him!" Earl cried. "Poor Mrs. Reem! First her husband and now her son!"
2. To a regular human who do not believe or know that a wizard community exist, they can not see it.
This sentence, aside from being grammatically incorrect, does not sound good. I suggest this:
2a. Normal people who do not believe in magic do not know that a wizard community exists under their very noses and so they cannot see the sign.

Well, I could go on and on but I think you may already understand what I'm trying to say. Others have said it too.
Good luck with your editing and then ask me again and I shall be happy to review your work once more.

I've got your book on my bookshelf. I loved the pitch and the premise. I couldn't wait to start reading. Now that I have, I'm so glad I did. It moves well, is well written and pulls you in. I hope my backing helps it climb and you have the best success with it!

Great premise!
I see the similarities to Harry Potter, but don't worry about that. Very few fantasy stories are truly original these days, and it's usually best to follow a formula that is proven to work. You're more likely to find an audience, and a publisher will bear that in mind.

I'd like to offer a few pointers for your pitch. Take them or leave them!:


“Dear President Garmon,
I hate to inform you that the last Oracle,..... has died.”
Nice hook. Your ellipsis (dots) doesn’t need a comma before it, and you only need three dots. Any other format could look unprofessional.


“In a modern world where mortals don’t believe in magic. A war in the wizard community has ended and with it, the last known Oracle has died by the hand of The Being who vanished.”
The first sentence is incomplete, and the second could use some work. I would revise this as so:
‘In a modern world, in which mortals have stopped believing in magic, a war in the wizard community has come to an end. The last known Oracle has died, killed by a creature known only as “the Being”.’


“After the war, a prophecy was made about the next generation of Oracles who will defeat The Being when he comes back to power.”
I think this would work better rephrased:
‘After the war, it was prophesised that the next generation of Oracles would be the ones to defeat the Being upon his return.’

“The only problem is the next generation of Oracles doesn’t know they exist.”
They do know that they exist, just as you and I do; they just don’t know that they are Oracles. I might rephrase this to ‘…have no idea of the power within themselves, or the destiny that awaits them.’

I hope this is helpful.

David Southam
Author of The Keeper of the Sightless Eye

Hello

I just read the first chapter. The story is fresh and I like the concept. Your decriptions are wonderful and add to the story. I haven't read Rowlings, but it does show some similarities. However, you do pull this off and I see how the story is developing which is great for the first chapter. I will continue to have you on the watch list and try to read more of this so I can give you a better picture of the story as a whole. The only I noticed is the use of "that's". I would try to delete as much as possible. Some of them didn't seem to be needed. I wish you luck with this story and hope it does find its place publishing history.

Jennifer

Hi Danielle, you asked me to take a look at your story. I have read chapter one so far and decided to leave a comment.

While this is an interesting premise, I find a lot of similarities to Harry Potter. I know that has been mentioned, but I'm reiterating because it is probably something that you want to avoid. The prophesy especially was too similar to that in HP, with the exception that it specified a time limit for when The Being would return, which I think hurts the prophetic feel. Whether you have four 'chosen ones' or one, this beginning is really too much like HP.

I would suggest going through this with a heavy hand, as I noticed quite a few grammar mistakes. They were too frequent to skim over. Changes in verb tense, use of a singular noun when a plural was needed, commas where they don't belong. I've been told that reading your manuscript out loud really helps with sentence structure, but I think that you might benefit from it here just to clean up the grammar mistakes.

Try to tighten up your descriptions, and only give us details that we need or that tell something about the character. You can show us a lot about President Garmon by the description of his office, his dress, and his demeanor, as well as how he treats his subordinates. I was a little distracted by the description of his office, but if you clean it up, maybe give us a little less (just what is important), then I think it can work. The description of the building itself is again a weak area. It tells us a lot about what goes on there, but nothing much about the atmosphere of the place.

The dialogue between President Garmon and the headmistress and head of security was a little forced. Would the president really waste time reminding them why they were meeting? It seemed that part was only in there to tell the reader why the meeting was happening, which is unnecessary as soon as they each begin to give their reports. Don't use dialogue to tell the reader something outright like that, especially when we can find out through context what the meeting is about.

I'm not sure why the scene with the dark wizards is part of this chapter. It almost feels like it should be separate, though I don't know what comes next.

I would like to keep reading this, but I have a long reading list to get through so I will try to come back at a later time. I hope this review was helpful, and I will comment more when I have time to get back to the story.

I like where your story is going. I've only read one chapter so far and it is well paced.

The only thing I would say, as a couple of other people have mentioned, is to tidy up the grammatical errors. Also, there are a few instances where you use the same adjective or adverb twice within one sentence, which may be worth looking at for a smoother read.
In example: "big round glasses that made his eyes look big." You could try changing one of the 'bigs' to a different adjective. All it needs is a bit of a proof reading and tidy up.

Good luck! I'm keeping it on my WL to read some more.

Sarah
Awakening (The Golden Ones: Book One)

Although this is not a genre I read, I went through the first 2 chapters and find your writing style captivating.
A few grammatical mistakes, but other wise entertaining. Your sentences are simple and easy to read and yet you manage to pack a lot of information into each one.
I wish you the very best.
Almas
Spinning Wheel - A collection of short stories

I like the style. It is very spare, not over written but very effective. I have put it on my Watchlist. I am not sure that I would say it is children's or even really young adult though, since all the early characters are adults though the young adult comes in later. I think it could make it as an adult read. It is definitely one of the best I have sampled and I shall finish it. I will back it when I can.

Hi Danielle

I just finished your book. First of all, thanks for backing Dragonraptor - though, out of curiosity, which part(s) did you read? Anyway, overall I must say this is a good potential story, but all of the comments and advice I gave you a few days ago still stand - strongly. In many places, such as the obstacles the children pass to get to the box, nearly copy Harry Potter plot point for plot point. Apart from that, your story moves, I think, too quickly and I'm not getting much of a sense of the characters' individuality. Spend some time in the story developing them more. Also, they're supposed to be oracles - yet their oracular powers seem almost nonexistent. The only time their abilities noticeably influenced the story was in Chapter 19, when the kids had the dream of Mrs. Cors and The Being. Also, when they battled Mrs. Cors for the box, she was taken down too easily. A powerful witch such as her would have been some real threat, but I never got the sense they were in any real danger.

It's almost the reverse problem with Tri-Pot. The sport seems way too dangerous to be played at a school, and there's nothing about the culture that explains why they would allow children to play a game flying on brooms with the game balls exploding and causing injuries upon impact almost every single time. Even Quidditch wasn't that dangerous, the bludgers didn't explode and the teams at least had defenders.

A couple of minor problems, I can't point out them all, though . . . in Chapter 9, the kids find a letter for Mrs. Cors from The Being right out in the open. Why would Mrs. Cors ever leave something so incriminating just lying around like that? Unrealistic. Chapter 12 - you describe the forest with the words "the forest seemed to be enchanted" since it was lush and green in the middle of winter. This is a magical world - no need to say outright that it is enchanted. Just keep the description of the unique weather and lushness. Apart from these types of things, you have numerous grammatical mistakes that everyone will notice. You should really go over the whole thing and proofread, or get someone to help you do so. That's pretty much what I can suggest at this point.

Hey Danielle,
Here for that read you requested :)
Firstly, nice short pitch. Caught my attention straight away so good work, I mean, breaking an entire book into one sentence...it's not an easy thing but you've done it well. Long pitch is just as good, short and sweet. That's how I like it, nothing worse than a long pitch that feels like an ordeal to read *cringe*. Even before I've started the book I'm already impressed :)
Secondly, great opening chapter. Great use of dialogue, awesome pace and an intriguing plot. Three solid ticks!
Thirdly, as the book goes on it doesn't die down when it comes to these three aspects (dialogue, pace and plot) impressive. Your plot does hold maybe some minor details that may remind people of Harry Potter but I wouldn't worry, after all, Harry Potter is such a well known book when it comes to magic and wizards so no matter how unique your book may be, some people are still going to associate magic with Harry Potter. I have the same issues (my book being about vampires instantly people will compare it to Twilight) just how the world works. But I wouldn't fret, to me your book is very unique. Well done !
Have highly starred, you are deserving :)
Karlee - Chained
Hopefully you can give my book a peek whenever you're next free. Would love to hear your thoughts ^^

Hi Danielle,

You asked me to read and comment on your story. I was going to wait until I finished all of the chapters to comment, but I have so much to say that I think I should begin now. I've just finished Chapter 10, and I will read the rest. I also like to read everyone else's comments on a story to see what different people think and consider different perspectives.

FeSladen says that while there are some similarities to Harry Potter, the story in essence is original and that everyone who writes about witches and wizards is at risk of being labeled a copycat. This is not true. First of all, there can and should be original epic magical series after the Harry Potter era, but right now the world is still in that era and it will be a while before another series can catch on. However, at this moment your story is way too similar to Harry Potter, and people will notice it. At least half of the comments say so, and you do need to pay attention to them.

The story I'm working on began as very similar to a Star Wars story. You can't tell now, but had you seen the ideas and outline I had ten years ago, it would have been called a ripoff. Although, this was before any of my dragon or dinosaur characters had been created. They really helped to change the story. Now, everyone calls The Inheritance Cycle a ripoff, and the map in particular copies the map of Middle-Earth almost name for name. This confuses me - if people recognized this, how did the series succeed so well? I don't know, but it is well known for being a plagiaristic work. A writes should really strive to avoid that - it's not a good legacy.

Since you've been working on this story for quite some time and since it's the only project you have posted, I'm gathering that this is the story you really want to tell. That's absolutely fine. Similar stories do come from different authors. I particularly thought Karataratakas' comment was very well thought out and useful. As she advised, you should focus on where your story differs from Harry Potter. Now, some people who commented said they haven't read the Harry Potter books, and if you haven't you really should. Even if you don't care for them, it's important to know who and what your predecessors and similar stories are - especially when they have become a big part of popular culture.

You mention that oracles play a great role in the series, and The Being was hunting them down. That is new. Although, then you say the natmages are being hunted down. Why? Are many groups being hunted? That needs explanation. You give a definition of oracles - they are prophets, wise men and wise women of the society. Then you say a soothsayer has made a prophecy of The Being, its last victims, and the four children who will rise against it in ten years. Yet you have already said that the last oracle has died. A soothsayer is an oracle. How is this person alive? You don't say that she's dead, or that she made a prophecy before she died. Also, knowing when The Being will return kills any potential of suspense there. We didn't know in Harry Potter when Voldemort was going to succeed in his return.

Now, as I read on the story is all about spellcasters. There's very little mention of oracles, what they can do, and why they are important. There needs to be more buildup of that. Another thing - The Being vanished after killing Alan's mother, yet we don't know why or how it was defeated. Again, in Harry Potter, we started with some information - the killing curse backfired on its caster. With The Being, there's no explanation as to how such a powerful figure disappeared. Also, as other commentators have said, the dead boy in the beginning appears to have no significance in the story, and that was a good opening. It should come back to influence something.

Then you introduce Alan Breese, one of the four oracle children, and his father Tom. You say that Tom is "a mean man ever since Alan's mother died" and he has no time for Alan. While he is far too strict about grades, we learn that Tom doesn't want his son to become a wizard because he doesn't want to lose him, that he is still grieving over his wife's death, and he speaks affectionately to Alan and respectfully to the grandmother. This does not seem to be a mean person, not even that unusual a type of parent who has experienced a loss. By the way, Alan has, like, the opposite grades of what I got in school. I had horrible math classes, and unfortunately it showed.

The lists of school equipment, courses, and the like are way too long. J.K.Rowling had such lists in her books, but she kept them short and even then they weren't really necessary. You can just describe your characters buying/acquiring items they need as the story moves along. For example, you have a long list of uniform pieces in Chapter 6. Instead, simply describe the uniform by what they students wear to class or around the school. That's all.

I like Alan being introduced into the wizard world by his grandmother. That's a bit fresh, and you have the opportunity for the passing down of the family arts, skills, and traditions that way. Why not expand that more, have her teach him things she taught his mother? That would open up some touching scenes and possibilities.

Also, forgive me, but, she buys him a turtle for something to do at school when he's bored? Turtles don't do all that much, and considering his load of classes and the fun of being at a magic school, I don't think he's going to be that bored.

As for the kids whose parents were killed by The Being and them coming together, I'd have liked to see that happen a bit more gradually. They all meet during school orientation. It would be more interesting to see them team up over the course of their adventures.

Chapter 8 - Mrs. Cors' Secret: Okay, so we're introduced to Mrs. Cors, the Deputy Headmistress. Who right away yells at the kids for being suspicious about a hole in the ground. Well, anyone would be suspicious about something that shouldn't be there, and that kind of hole wouldn't be too hard to find on school grounds. And they right away suggest looking in records to see if anything is buried behind Knox? The general story is possible, but they come to conclusions, evidence, and plans way too quickly. The whole thing is rushed. And why do they go to the restricted section for more information? More than that, the way Alan gets permission is suspect. He tells Professor Dorcas that he is researching hags - that they kill or kidnap children but there had to be another way . . . to what? In Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Gilderoy Lockhart was similarly suckered into granting Hermione access to a restricted book, but he was excessively vain and gullible - which was solidly established and Hermione played on that. I guess, at least Professor Dorcas requested a better paper from Alan, but, that was still too easy.

In Chapter 9 the students call the cryptobotany teacher Professor Ivy. Uh, wasn't "Professor Ivy" a Pokemon character? Also, her name is Ivy Vines - they'd be calling her Professor Vines. That reminds me - earlier on, you had Alan's father addressing his mother-in-law, Alan's grandmother, as Mrs. Austin. He wouldn't do this. Family members, unless it's a child calling their parent "Mom" or "Dad", tend to call each other by their first names. He'd call her Pearl. Students call their teachers by their last names.

The last part I've read so far introduces the mythology of Pandora's Box. This could be very interesting to tie in, although I don't yet see what it has to do with The Being and his soul boxes. Pandora's box was actually a jar. You got right that opening it unleashed all the evils into the world, and that the only thing remaining inside was hope. Yet The Being's boxes contain half his soul, half his spirit, and he needs a body. What happened to his former body? And one of his boxes can't be Pandora's Box - if the evils were released, how would the jar/box still contain evil magic? I think you said the second box contains evil magic that he needs. Wait . . . you did say something about only a descendant of Pandora being able to open it? If you're introducing some clues, they need to be a bit more organized.

Your story has potential. Azhurelee wrote that the story is unique in itself and can stand on its own. Not yet it can't, but it can get there. Your storytelling also needs work. The first thing I generally notice is that you give out clues and information too easily and too quickly. Slow down a bit, and spend some chapters building your world and characters. I feel I'm just not getting to know many of their personalities. Others are too similar to Hogwarts characters, mostly the teachers. Many scenes are too similar, almost identical, to scenes in the Harry Potter books. One different thing you have is that children of vampires and werewolves are accepted at Iniko. Explore that a bit more.

If I might suggest, give yourself some time - say, a week or so - to go back, revisit your story, pick out what in them that makes this original to you - mostly the oracles and Pandora mythology, and revolve the book around those. I'd be willing to give you more ideas as I read on, if you wish.

Okay, so first up, lots of good stuff going here. The descriptions are pretty solid and the tale is intriguing enough that I'd keep going. I like the opening scene in particular; however, there doesn't seem enough significance on the dead boy, and I'm not sure that I care enough about him. The way it's written now, it feels like it's an isolated incident and therefore not that significant. It also feels a little info-dumpy and repetitive at times. Especially for a prelude, you want to keep the details as concrete as possible. You don't even need to tell the reader any of the specifics; from the way that the barman cleans the bar, we already know that this is going to be a fantasy book. Set the scene as quickly as possible without explaining the whys and wherefores.

The dialogue could be tighter. As it stands, it's a little repetitive at times.

Really clumsy opening paragraphs for chapter one. You could definitely do with a smoother opening. Describe without explaining and chances are that the reader will pick up the info that you want to convey. The descriptions are also a bit clumsy. Try and arrange it so that the character interacts with the scenery, rather than describing the scenery and then the character. Integration of the two is key. There are also a lot of tense changes that should be addressed. Stick to one tense.

Seems to be that you haven't proof-read this because there are a lot of mistakes that could be caught with a quick read through.

Hope this helps!
Georgia

This is not normally my kind of book, but you do a good job in presenting the story and keeping the reader curious.
Wish you the best of luck!
Christine C. May
"Five Short Stories with a twist"

The pitch had me interested, and it is very easy to make comparisons between your work and the Harry Potter series. However, once you ignore that fact and get reading it is very interesting and a good book.
Well done.

Johanna

Hi Danielle,
You asked me to take a look and provide feedback. The story has the makings of something delightful, the plot shows tremendous potential, and if you execute on that potential I suspect young readers will eat this up. However, to catch and keep the eye of the people who are considering dozens, hundreds, thousands of stories in this vein, you need to be flawless. More attention to detail will help you overcome those odds. This is why you must make sure you don't say "its quiet" when it should be "it's (or "it is") quiet" and "putted" when you mean "put." I am going to give you four stars because I like how you are setting us up for what seems to be a battle between good and evil, and because you write simply and economically enough for a young audience, and because I suspect you will contine to work at it, like the rest of us, until we've done all we can. ~ Dean

Your story is very good. You are a very good writer. One thing I would suggest as you move closer to the desk is to read your story out loud. It is amazing how much more we can find in the word usage and puctuation that might need changing that we tend to overlook when we read silently. Our brains know what it should say so we don't see it always as it is. But out loud lets you hear the flow.
I am very impressed with your work and want you to do well. You asked me to read a very long time ago; I apologize that I am just getting around to it. But feel encouraged as you do have a very good book. Lacy

great pitch! i am interested! backed so i can keep reading it!

I love your blurb and your intro - it draws you in instantly. The story is smooth and easy to follow. Not normally my type of genre but I'm still reading! Highly stared and on my WL! :-)

Iniko's Children: Pandora's Box
by
Danielle M. Thomas

The HBD Review:

"In Georgia," claims author Danielle, "we write like we talk." Since Danielle claims graduation from an accredited university, the state of higher education must be even worse than we feared. Apparently college graduate now talk like this. There no need for thing like "s" at end of plural or "ed" at end of thing like ended. Apparently Latin and ebonics have had a child, Georgionics. All of this wouldn't be irritating so much as pathetic were it not for the blatant plagiarism perpetrated by our pretty little peanut from the south. Rather than merely imitate the Harry Potter series like half the other dunces in the current confederacy of would-be YA authors, Ms. Thomas hijacks Hogwarts outright. Lately she's even been calling herself D.M. Rowling and submitting handwritten manuscripts on legal pads to business people coming out of big buildings. If ever there existed a mismatch between aspiration and ability, it exists here in this radioactive poison of pixel abuse.

But the author's teeth are the whitest on authonomy.

HBD

updated it to 5 stars. It's a good read and captures the best qualities of JK Rowling. Keep up the good work.

This has one of the greatest introductions ever:

      Dear Mr. President, I hate to inform you the last Oracle has died.

As it turns out, it's not THE President, but the leader of the Justice of Magic. It's good news / bad news– the war seems over but we know it's simply abated… waiting…

Danielle's dialogue is as good as her imagination. Although the story uses a lot of description she doesn't overindulge in adverbs and adjectives, which is shows a mastery of storytelling technique.

The main feature of children's stories are characters and plot, and Danielle's done an excellent job with both. That's why I back it!

Good premise, good structure, and well paced so far. I will continue to read on.

Good premise, good structure, and well paced so far. I will continue to read on.

Short, precise, and and excellent catch for readers. Ill be coming back for more!

-Joe
The Hooligans Of Kandahar

I came by intending to read the first chapter or so and wound up reading three. This is a fantastic book. It definitely has a Harry Potter feel to it. The imagery, rhythm and dialogue make it an easy and engrossing read. I can see why it has received such high marks. Thanks so much. A definite 6 star.

Iniko’s Children; Pandora’s Box.
By Danielle Thomas.


I was drawn to your book firstly by the cover...very colourful and an indication of what’s to come.
The pitches back it up, a nice children’s fantasy story.
It opens well with Mrs. Reem out of her mind, searching for her missing son.
This is an instant pull for the reader to continue to learn more of what’s happening.
You describe well, Jims Whiskey Bar, rough and un-clean with Elroy about the same as regards his appearance.
I was caught by surprise as Jim waived his hand and the glasses sailed through the air and washed themselves. Lovely bit of magic , kids will love it.
I like how the’ Justice to Magic ‘ sign can’t be seen by normal people.
Really do like your story from what I’ve read so far and I will get back to it soon.
In the meantime, plenty of stars!
Well done, Danielle.

Kind regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

I've just begun your book and like your writing. I agree with Ms. Bailey that the missing boy added some tension at the beginning that could have propelled the opening chapter and book to a higher level. It really got me interested in the book. When he is found that tension was gone and my interest faded a bit. I look forward to continuing the book. I think that, after She Who Shall Not Be Named's books about the little boy with the scar, anyone writing in this genre is going to be fighting an uphill battle.