Greetings good fellow (or fellowrina)
Welcome to How to Fail, an instructional book written by me, Phineas T. Wollenfellow! This fine guide was written to teach those who are interested how to fail on a variety of subjects. It was noticed by myself (Phineas T. Wollenfellow) that there are many, many books out there written to teach people how to succeed on a variety of subjects, but not many books written on how to fail at them.
Indeed, bookstores are almost overflowing with books on how to succeed, such as succeeding to make money in the stock market, succeeding to get a promotion at work, succeeding to divorce your wife gracefully and with a minimal of bloodshed, and on and on and on. These books are for people who just can’t seem to succeed, but what for the people who can’t seem to fail?
I have lived a rich and exciting life. My friends have led richer and excitinger lives. Many friends of mine are successful, and often they will say to me:
“I can’t seem to fail at anything, I wish there was some instructional book to teach me how to fail. I would surely purchase several copies of this book, one for me and one for my immediate family, and one for my friends, and one for people I sort of know at work, and one for the neighbor’s cats, and on and on.”
So, they turn to me for advice on how to fail. I am in fact, a failure. I am, as one would describe, a failure. In italics. Here some examples of my failure par non excellence:
• I lived with my father until I was 30 years old.
• I spent five years writing a novel and not completing it. Perhaps it is for the best because it involved vampires and exploding hobos.
• I succeeded in gaining two degrees in art, and would have not secured my financial future had I not gotten a huge inheritance from my more successful parents.
• I fail entirely to hold my liquor. Well actually, I hold it for a while, and then it spills out my mouth and onto the floor.
• I once tried to build a plane made out of whiffle balls. It flew nearly fifteen seconds then veered sharply to the right and crashed.
• My success with women is so terrible, Doctors have accused me of naturally secreting “anti-pheremones”
• I once tried to kill myself while hanging myself and then shooting myself at the same time, and ended up failing when I tried to hang myself with the gun and shoot myself with the rope.
• I write adverbs impropriety.
The upshot of all of this is that in being such a failure, I am an expert on failing, and are therefore well qualified to write a book such as this on failing on a variety of subjects.
Starting off, I think I should point out the obvious – that the easiest way to fail at anything is to simply not attempt to do it. For example, if you wanted to succeed at climbing Mount Everest, you could just say, “I am not going to leave the house, it’s too cold out,” and congratulations - you have failed to climb Mount Everest.
I hope that the many other examples of failure you find very useful. For you poor souls who can do nothing but succeed, this book is for you. I hope your enjoyment is supreme.
Excellentcior!
- Phineas T. Wollenfellow