The Final Cruise

Frank,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The start is a wonderful stream of consciousness, the kind we used to have from Proust all the way to Keruac, and which for some unclear reason to me, we no longer get.

...so kudos for you for reminding us

The second thing that impresses me is you ability to mix and travel between styles. On the one hand, you have the moment by moment perceptions, were each moment is a dangling act promising the next to have the same urgency as the previous, then you have the journalistic style..... just telling it like it is..... and finally you have the stream of consciousness that keep popping up

....like a Halloween ghost.....lol

......that is not an easy feast to accomplish...

Some of my favorites:

"watery opus"

"orange beaks open"

"sea going garb"

Overall, this is wonderful

David

I really enjoyed what i was able to read. You really know how to set a scene so the reader can feel immersed in it. That's a tough thing to do without it seeming like an info dump. I don't know much about sailing so this really felt new and refreshing to me, I like reading about things I'm not familiar with. I can tell you've put a lot of time, research, and love into this, it shows in your writing. Keep up the good work.

Missy
Mark of Eternity

Mr. Lockwood,
The Final Cruise was a pleasant surprise. You are a storyteller! First off, your voice, your grammar, your way with words is magic. Second, I like how you manuver time, the flash back and forth between generations. Rosie reaching for her history, going off the pier, and then switching to TJ's birth and childhood. You characterize so well. Sam, like so many father's, sees his sons as an extension of himself. My husband's father did the same thing. And the parents fighting over punishment--that still happens. The main thing, however, is that you do it very well. Congratulations! You have a very good book here. I can see it going ar.
Caroline
KC Hart
Summer Rose

A very poignant story The descriptions throughout the first chapter are gold. The docks by the sea are evocative. Especially heartbreaking is the death of 'Limey' T.J, followed by the selling off of his possessions. Offering a quarter for a chair exacts the modest means T.J has lived by. The story is regularly enacted in real life too many times and brings back home that nothing is ever-lasting. A wonderful tale of a man told well through his grand-daughters eyes (again edging towards an extreme, how many grand-daughters today would exact the same sense of curiosity? Call me cynical). Backed!!

Regards

Graham

I (didn't) quite understand Ann's comment: The entire first four chapters were supposed to have been written in third person from an omnipotent POV.

I was not sure at what point Ann saw the confusion coming in until I ran off a hard copy. I find it much easier to find my errors when working from a hard copy, and until yesterday I had only worked from digital text/computer screen. The errors were introduced during a rewrite, trying to eliminate a mixed POV. Changing large sections of text is tricky.

Be assured that the problems of incorrect personal pronouns will be fixed.

I don't know which genre it is that Anne doesn't care as much for: My book was listed under four different genres.

Hi, Frank, I read through chapter 4 and it was getting interesting but I think it's just not my genre. A couple of points: I imagine there are two different identities mingled here, hence the switches from first-person to third person (not exactly POV's the POV is mainly Rosie) but so far it's a bit confusing. Also, I'm struck with how the writing improves as you get into the story (with good action and dialogue when Rosie meets the old men) so I wonder if you've thought of re-writing or editing the first chapters. I won't say anything more as I've said it's not my cup of tea. Anne

Hi, Frank, I read through chapter 4 and it was getting interesting but I think it's just not my genre. A couple of points: I imagine there are two different identities mingled here, hence the switches from first-person to third person (not exactly POV's the POV is mainly Rosie) but so far it's a bit confusing. Also, I'm struck with how the writing improves as you get into the story (with good action and dialogue when Rosie meets the old men) so I wonder if you've thought of re-writing or editing the first chapters. I won't say anything more as I've said it's not my cup of tea. Anne

Amazing Imagery! I don’t usually like literary style fiction but I was mesmerized by the pictures you were painting for me on the page. I loved your first paragraph. Pure poetry in my opinion. I read through almost everything you’ve posted and enjoyed every bit of it. I wish I could offer you something more constructive, but from my rather armature viewpoint, I just couldn’t find anything to complain about. Thanks so much for the read. High stars for sure.

This book went through a recent rewrite: I guess I forgot that this would cost me what little ranking I had. Oh, well. Going to the bottom is getting to be a habit these days! I have posted the first eight chapters. When I had the entire book posted I figured out that only one of maybe two hundred will read the entire book. Thanks for those who did though. And thanks to all my Authonomy friends who have helped me improve my writing skills. If you don't see me at the top soon, try looking me up at the bottom!

The Final Cruise.
By Eltopia Frank.

The first thing I notice with this book, is the excellent description that abounds throughout it.
It really is very good writing.
The sternness of T.J.s father on becoming a sailor and his mother’s sorrow at their differences.
These come across very strongly.
The dangers at sea which we see on the crossing to Australia…captures the early period vividly.
You are certainly a very good writer, able to retain the reader’s interest as the story unfolds.
I shall have to get back to read more when I can, but come back I will.
Top stars for this for now though…great stuff!
On my list for backing!
Love the cover, Frank.


Kind regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest - The Time Zone.

There is no doubt that you can write. This is good stuff. Captivating, in fact. I am desperate to know who that mysterious woman is at the beginning. T.J's story is interesting and well told. I could taste and smell the salty sea - you really set the stage for your readers. You obviously have inside experience which enables you to tell this story in such a way that it feels accurate and believable and enables the reader to become immersed in the sea and in your story.

Excellent stuff. Six stars.

- Rena (Bunderful) author of Master of the Miracles

Frank,
You have a likeable protagonist in T. J. and very descriptive prose which is a pleasure to read. He is determined to embark on an adventure at sea despite being warned of the dangers involved. It soon becomes apparent that this sea voyage will have its share of drama due to the treacherous weather. You describe the situations well and I admire the descriptive passages which convey the scenes and T. J.'s emotional state to the reader. It's a pleasure to embark on this adventure with T. J. and I admire his bravery. I wish I had more time to read The Final Cruise as I came to know your protagonist in a short time and think this story has the suspense needed to hold the reader's interest throughout the entire work.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Kirk, thank you for commenting my story. In answer to your question, yes, I was in the US Navy and was raised on the California Coast, in Santa Cruz, California. The book you mentioned, "Two Years Befoe the Mast," sounds interesting. I will have to check it out, as I have not read it before. Best wishes to you.

Hi Frank,
TJ's adventures in "The Final Cruise" reminds me a little of Richard Henry Dana's book "Two Years Before the Mast", it is also the tale of a young man who wants to go out to sea, but only for two years, since he is a collge student in Boston. There is a place on the coast of southern California, near San Diego called "Dana Point" where, in the book, he transported cow hides from the missions, by rapelling down a cliff with ropes. The cliff is still there today. You also seem to capture the spirtit of Dana's travels across the world, with all it's ups and downs, especially never getting enough sleep since there's always a storm that needs to be fought against and the sails always needs to be patched and so on. Were you also out at sea, perhaps in the Navy or something?
I like the story and had to back it.
All the best
kirk

The Final Cruise.
Eltopia, I'm going to start at the beginning again, as it's so long since I read into your book.

Your cover is great.
In the short pitch you might happily omit the title of the book, but it contains a satisfactory hook for a prospecting reader.
It's the long pitch with its rapid-fire questions and quotes which I find a bit confusing. I'm no good at pitches or synopses, but I believe readers like a simple, succinct precis of the plot, without giving away too much, and perhaps ending with a question as a further enticement.
For example (and I'm no expert!), your first sentence is okay, but if you delete the bit after the comma, it would flow better. Then perhaps you could go on to say TJ sees the world, then comes across Capt. Geordie who increases TJ's inner demons... etc.etc.

Ch.1. Wow! I remember that striking scene now. But there are a few nits to address (I hope you dont mind?)
There are certain unnecessary words, which if searched for and deleted, would make your writing flow even better, and the message would be stronger. Words like:
(Ch.1) little, however, now, lightly, occasionally, as if
(Ch.2) nearly, really, only
(Ch.3). yet, constantly, simply, nearly nicely, scarcely
(Ch.4) just.
You repeat 'she was' three times in one paragraph, which jars a bit.
Another repetition: you can safely say 'She was on the alert' and cut the rest.
Try cutting 'pushing her forth'.
Also, it's not a good idea to start a paragraph with the word And.

Ch.2. Dont you mean appropriate - instead of apropos.
So - Rosie is TJ's granddaughter... But I had to read that first paragraph twice to establish that you were going back in time.

Ch.3. Now you're going further back - to TJ. I'm wondering if it might be easier for the reader if, after Ch.1 (as a sort-of prologue), you kept chronological order?
Perhaps you can give the reader some information about Georgie here? (or leave out the reference).
Maybe as a change you could try some dialogue between TJ and Cim, and again it might be more dramatic if you showed TJ and his father arguing over the decision to go to sea?
That's a lovely peaceful moment when TJ goes on deck.
And a novel detail for me: the sound of the anchors bashing against the sides of the ship in the storm.

Your story has an endearing charm to it, with hidden gems, like that paragraph about sailors seeing Poseidon when they die.
And the metaphor of the white waters breaking over the bow of his life.

Then Georgie appears again - in the life of a new character, Natalie. I wonder if it wouldnt be best to start a new chapter here.

Ch.4. Back again in time (or is it forwards?) to Rosie..

Reading your book, the episodes are brought alive, and I have no difficulty relating to the characters. But the chapters as they are, are only episodes. I have a feeling if you re-arranged them, and took care to introduce each new character to the reader from the beginning, a pattern will emerge.
This would help smooth the flow of your story, making it easier for the reader to follow.

I hope this helps.
My shelf is full and overflowing, but I'll ask my other half, newly on this site, to give you a boost...

Jane (Breath of Africa)

Hi Frank,
TJ's adventures in "The Final Cruise" reminds me a little of Richard Henry Dana's book "Two Years Before the Mast", it is also the tale of a young man who wants to go out to sea, but only for two years, since he is a collge student in Boston. There is a place on the coast of southern California, near San Diego called "Dana Point" where, in the book, he transported cow hides from the missions, by rapelling down a cliff with ropes. The cliff is still there today. You also seem to capture the spirtit of Dana's travels across the world, with all it's ups and downs, especially never getting enough sleep since there's always a storm that needs to be fought against and the sails always needs to be patched and so on. Were you also out at sea, perhaps in the Navy or something?
I like the story and had to back it.
All the best
kirk

Eltopia Frank,

Strong writing in your introductory chapters with twists at the end of the first two. I'm intrigued about your woman protagonist and her grandfather's story.

Thanks for backing my novel.

Patricia
Agnes et Yves (Ma Vie en Bleu)

This story has been updated/revised as of Friday, June 17, 2011. Hopefully I have caught many or most of the punctuation/usage errors. I also concentrated on eliminating pov changes (I had a a lot of them.) that some readers found distracting. I either eliminated parts or softened them by showing the action from the perspective of one character at a time. I hope that worked. My goal is to have a professionally produced transcript that I an submit for publication if I am fortunate enough to find an agent or a publisher who is interested in my work.

I invite everyone who ever looked at this book before to go beyond the first four chapters, or simply skip to chapter 18, read it, and tell me what you think. Thanks. FEL/EltopiaAuthor

The beginning of your story is breathtaking. In a few words, you set an inquisite scene.

Although I hated the misogyny shown by the old men, I loved your dialogue. They sounded so much like the old miners in my hometown, talking BS, making up stories. You have a great ear.

Overall, I just love the way you wove past and present back and forth. I suspect, were we all to go seek the family history of the more interesting members of our family, we'd run across dangers and near-dangers as Rosie does.

Good luck with this!

Lauri
The Willow Branch

The Final Cruise. It's a long time since I visited your book...

Ch.4. Dont you mean the serious squint of Georgie's determined eyes? And you dont need to repeat the fact that Georgie is two years older than TJ.
I laugh at the vivid picture of the boys swinging on the rope like a pendulum, and falling into the sea.
You dont need cliches like 'all too eager' - just delete the first two words.
I see glimpses of a rattling good tale here, but am distracted by the nits - like no opening quotation marks, and when you stray from the boys' VP to an authorial one and back again.
I'll try and ignore them, but you really need to do some serious editing. Your story is worth it.

Ch.5. Have I missed something? You have skilfully advanced the story, but you mention Natalie's beating, TJ's broken leg and their escape from the barge...
The fear and poverty of those days is well portrayed, but I am perplexed by the frequent scene changes.
Then you drift seamlessly into Nat's story. You can do it. I am with her as she, too, crawls around the corner out of sight.
Back into authorial mode, which pushes the reader away, breaking the spell.
I thought when Georgie returned home that Nat had gone?
I'm glad she hadnt, because that paragraph of them eating the apple, then, the first time for each, making love, is so moving.

Jane. (Breath of Africa)

Hi,

Apart from a few trivial typos (missed alphabets mostly) here and there, I don't see much editing is needed for this engrossing story of TJ. It's tricky to weave back and forth in time, but it is done deftly and didn't confuse me.

The life and times of Thomas Walden, his ancestral occupation, his spirit of adventure and breaking of shackles is told with a mastery that will be hard to resist for an agent.

I admire the language style and the apt vocabulary in the text and there weren't many boring moments during the read.

For now, I have starred it highly and backed it as well.

All the best.

Jay Adiyarath
EXPIRY DATE

I enjoy your writing style and your plot. Although it jumps around in time a bit, I followed it easily enough and I like how you build Rosie's character. I noticed you didn't choose a genre for this and that's important when seeking agents and publishers. This seems like a mystery to me.

Remove extra word here: “Rose AND stared as her mother ignored the question…”

Remove double her: “…was desperate for concrete facts upon which to build her her own personal legends…”

I feel that Rosie should be more afraid before getting the rag put over her eyes.

The first chapter is exciting. There are a couple opportunities to break it into two chapters in order to create a cliffhanger. One is when the old man grabs her. The other is when she falls into the water. A chapter break that forces the reader to turn to the next chapter makes a book hard to set down.

Typo: “I hope I am NOT interrupting anything…”

I need a physical description of Natalie. It seems her appearance isn’t inviting to Rosie.

This is good work. Just edit carefully to get rid of typos. Make sure you include extra details about character appearance, clothes and settings. I'm gladly back this.

Brian
Mute

Frank,
I have been drawn into your book by your style. What a nice voice you have. I love the descriptions and the pacing. Your characters came to life. The first thing I thought was what is this young woman doing alone in this part of town after dark. You made me feel like I was there, a silent observer on the pier. Looking forward to reading more. Good luck to you in your climb to the Review Desk. :)
Concetta

PS: If you get a chance to peak - you might like the first chapter in my Moonstone Beach.

The opening chapter reminds me of Virginia Woolf's, Mrs Dalloway, what an amazing achievement. The weaving, wafting of silken threads of your story are gentle and sensitive. It is a complex book which I have enjoyed beginning and will look forward to continuing to read. Good Luck.
Bradley Haynes (Tricia & Maura)

You are a great story teller, although fiction I can see the similarity between your story and your own time spent in the forest and your experiences as a seaman.
Your own experiences have added a depth of understanding to your writing, which is what I believe makes your story so good! You link fantasy and reality!
Great story!
Ruth x

A great read, though it was a bit scary to read about Rosie meeting Peacot and the drunken sailors. Its scary to read when they held her above the swirling water. In the middle of her most terrible situation Rosie manage to cry out for help to Jesus when she falls into the water. The way you describe the scenes in your story is making it easy for the reader to picture what’s going on. This Rosie being so inspired by her grandfather TJ that she is writing a novel about him. This book is written in a way that I am sure it could easily make a good film.

A nice smooth hook, and a well written story that kept me engaged for longer than I'd planned. I enjoy stories that have an element of time shifting, and you've handled that task nicely. I look forward to reading on. Highly rated.
Michael Croucher (Bravo's Veil)

Re-backing this sea-shanty of a tale, hoping the stars will guide its master mariner of a storyteller to the Editor's desk, where it truly deserves to be moored...

From Kay for Frank, watching the sun rise over the yardarm...

Frank - your first chapter is probably as mystifying to me as mine was to you.... who is the soaking wet girl, and what significance has the "Oldsmobile"? And why the exact times of day? No doubt I'll learn in time.

But somehow, you left a hook, and I read on, and on. In Chapter 3 there's a bit of a muddle. "You are embarrassed! Georgie's mother decided. Sam's nephew had embarrassed her husband..." Do you mean TJ's mother, and isnt Sam her husband? (Oh, Georgie is TJ's cousin!). Then there's Georgina, and George -
Perhaps you need to clarify - or use disimilar names?

Your typos and duplicated words need eliminating - they're a distraction, as are the changes in font through the chapters.

Hope you dont mind me saying all that. It's only because I believe you have something very good indeed, which deserves cultivating.
I'll definitely read on.
Jane (Breath of Africa)

Frank,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The start is a wonderful stream of consciousness, the kind we used to have from Proust all the way to Keruac, and which for some unclear reason to me, we no longer get.

...so kudos for you for reminding us

The second thing that impresses me is you ability to mix and travel between styles. On the one hand, you have the moment by moment perceptions, were each moment is a dangling act promising the next to have the same urgency as the previous, then you have the journalistic style..... just telling it like it is..... and finally you have the stream of consciousness that keep popping up

....like a Halloween ghost.....lol

......that is not an easy feast to accomplish...

Some of my favorites:

"watery opus"

"orange beaks open"

"sea going garb"

Overall, this is wonderful

David

Chapter One.
Your opening is lovely, smooth and graceful. It is the beginning of a story and draws me in a rather gentle way--wanting to know more. I can't read more now, but I will be back later with more comments.
Sue

You are amazing to help me, Eltopia Frank!! You make me smile :) & get tears, too ; - that you would stop & help me to be chosen on the editor's desk, after trying for 332 days. :) Thanks again for helping me to cross the finish line :) - I was #4 on 1-1-11, but 2 people passed me & I'm not #6, so need all of the pushing I can get to get back into the top 5 & cross the finish line. :) I appreciate you so much. :) Love, Susie :)

Great job FEL. It really comes across with an authentic fantasy feel. (Not contrived as so many others I've read). Your writing is very good and flows nicely. Here's my two-cents worth. I really craved more dialogue from Rosie. I wanted to really go there with her and follow her emotions on the waterfront at the yard sale etc. But I couldn't quite wrap my arms around it. When she ask "Have you seen this man?" I would've liked a brief glimpse into the quirky stories she was told. (Just a line or two). I really like how you captured the sliminess of the vagabonds. I will definitely put this on the watchlist. Best wishes. Twhit.

The Final Cruise
By Eltopia Frank.

Hello Frank,
fistly I would like to thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my book, Grimeon's Pass. I really do appreciate it and will take your suggestions that you made into consideration when I edit.

Okay, back to your book. The first thing I noticed was the first sentence, to me it is more 'tell' than 'show'. I did, however, like what you were trying to show he reader, but I think you need to write it differently, so the reader can see what you see as you are writing your story.

This is only a suggestion and you can take it with a pinch of salt if you want to. I'm only doing this to show you what I mean by 'tell' and 'show'.

The car's engine spluttered several times. Natalie's wrinkled hand turned the key in the ignition one more time. The engine coughed and started. She looked at the sea, watching the moonlight reflecting on the calm surface.
She sighed. Her husband brought her here on their first date over fifty years ago. He had passed away several years ago, but she still missed him. Lost in her memories, she didn't notice a dark shadow that moved steadily beneath the pier.

The creature emerged from he sea. Natalie blinked away tears and drove off.

Just a typo I noticed - The others all laughed. "Even so he was luck to be alive through that." Should be lucky, and I don't think you need the words through that.

If Rosie is hyperventalating - show the reader, don't tell them. Something like - her breath becae shallow and fast paced...etc.

In some places you show, but in a lot of places you don't and you need to show more to make the story come alive. The reader needs imagery to see what is happening.

I hope my comments will help you, and not offend. That is not my intention at all, only to help you as a writer.

Best wishes,

Lisa.
Grimeon's Pass.

Comments may come in many ways with much interpenetration. However, in my view your novel is not only a fantasy, but it contented with some realities. Those realities are mysteries and miseries. You have fairly combined this sort of ingredients. Congratulations.

Joy J. Kaimaparamban
The Wildfire
The Seagulls

I had time for chapter 1, and thought this was really good. Starting off with the girl in the water worked really well, getting my attention. I can see by the end of the chapter it was Rosie, afraid of the men who grabbed her and took her grandpa's compass. Throughout the chapter you have set a nice pace, starting off with the mysterious girl coming out of the water, then the sell of Rosie's grandpa's things, then the men grabbing and telling her about her grandpa having been pushed into the water. But, what I liked the most about this chapter, apart from the nice style of writing, was the idea behind the compass and the treasure. This sets up the premise of the story, telling us it's going to be a tale of adventure and action. Additionally, I also liked the dreams and visions running in Rosie's family, which sets the fantasy tone to the story. All up, a nice start - Marita.

What might be behind that compass, I wonder? Will Roise get the story in end or not? Are we reading what the author will write for Roise, here? This is interesting. Why did these old men have to throw Roise into the water? Who is this woman that appears in the end of the chapter? All these qusetions need to be answered, and we have to read on to get the answers. It's a good setting and a good story, but what could be behind a campass that could interest us in reading on? Who were these old men, and what could they offer when they are drunk all the time and anyone of them could die any minute, as one of them is ninety years old? Who is the most exciting character in the story that could keep us reading? These are the other questions that came to me from your story, and I am telling you, hoping that it will help in any way. Thank you so much and good luck. Shah

Hello,

Spacing was a glitch created by uploading. Sarah is seemingly perfect because Tam is a romantic fool confirmed by his quest later on. Double Diamond was a crappy beer brewed by one of those awful beer conglomerates of the seventies.

Best wishes

Richard

How totally wonderful, you are, Eltopia Frank!! :) Thank you so very much for again backing my memoirs/testimony book? :) May God richly bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I just looked to see if I had ******-ed your book & it is ******-rated (6 gold ******'s) :) - could you please ****** mine, too. :) Every ****** -ing & more than 24 hour backing (the longer the better) quickly moves our books up on authonomy lists. :) I want to ask you if you could please keep my book on your bookshelf as long as possible because I'm 9 from the editor's desk & trying to be in the top 5 to be chosen, the end of December :) - I had a mini-stroke Nov. 10 with slurred speech for an hour & numbness of tongue still & over 20 smaller ones where I couldn't speak since & I"d sure like to cross the finish line of the editor's desk after 9 months trying on authonomy. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me :) - I have lost 3 sisters to strokes & my last sister, Mary had 2 heart attacks earlier this year.

I adore this story! Your words are hypnotic, the pacing absolutely perfect and the characters entirely real.
Genevieve
Under the Same Sky

'The Final Cruise'

I enjoy your writing because of the atmosphere and images that you create.The main characters are believable and you have crafted good supporting characters. You have an ability to convey a story and capture the readers attention.

Jane
'Breath in the Dark '

Eltopia, thus far I've read the first 2 chapters. I think you have the makings of a great story and I enjoy your way with words. I find it difficult to critique because my own work still needs further editing but in my opinion I think, the chapters I've read at least, need some work. I think if you were to read it out aloud you may be able to streamline your efforts and better define the inconsistanties. At least this is how it works for me. Best of wishes. CR Harding

I really liked the first paragraph of this, but having read on, in the end I was disappointed. Although most of the writing was good, some of the descriptions seemed to be 'pasted on' - like, here is a place where I ought to put in a description. They often seemed to interrupt the flow, rather than adding to the ambience. Some were even contradictory - at the beginning she 'jogged' 'loped' and then 'sauntered' all in the space of a few lines and all in the course of one trip down the wharf. Also I found the whole premise rather unbelievable. Her grandfather dies in 1963, yet here we are two years later and no-one knows him? Why did she not say at once that she was a writer and wanted to write about him. This comes out later, but it sounds like you only just thought of that reason then. Why put in the bit about the stumble? Why should she be 'mystified and frightened' just because someone behind her speaks to her? It might make her jump, but I can't see why she should be mystified. Why put in the bit about the clown on 4th July? Why does she have to go back to the pier again the next day? Why does she let the old men 'cuddle up' to her? (UGH!) Why does she let the triply 'frail' old woman stay the night? You might answer all of these questions with 'Read on and you will find out', and I would have done so if they had occurred in any natural way, but it all reads like a set up. Nor did I find it in any way believable that she would let a gang of old men ambush her and push her off a pier. Sorry for all the negatives, but I think you would find an editor would be just as picky. I think you have the makings of a good story here, and you clearly have a way with words, but you might need to re-think this opening and see if you could find a better way of getting to where you want to go. Good luck for the future.
Colet

Back Final Cruise. You smoothly moved between flashbacks and the present. The first chapter had several surprising twists and turns. Enjoyed what I read. Will be back for more later.
CC Brown
Dark Side

The opening chapter is well written and riviting. I found myself walking along a smelly warf with Rosie as she tries to unravel the strings that will lead to her grandfather.
Your prose is nicely done. However, there are a few instances of repitition within a paragraph. For instance when she comes home after being thrown over the pier and is preparing for her shower you use "trembling" twice. I would suggest another word.
Also, Rosie says "didn't you never wonder about your ancestry." This should really be "ever" unless you are intentionally using it that way. An editor will catch that and request it to be changed if it does not fit into her normal speach pattern.
Finally, I think you use Rosie's name too often. Once you establish the character it is ok to refer to her as "her and she."
Overall, the story is very interesting and the prose well crafted.
Best of luck to you,
Sharon Van Orman

Hi, F. Elsworth,
The Final Cruise is intriguing, the kind of story you want to read to the end. Interesting characters, visual description. Watch for typos. I was wondering if Rosie's apartment wasn't locked in chapter 1. She arrives after being pushed off the wharf, hasn't checked the contents of her purse, yet enters her apartment.
Backed.
Gloria
Finnegan's Quest

Author uses dialogue and narration well to keep story flowing, using creative characters and a heroine who must also fear her own personal safety. With such a journey underway, I am hoping the characters and their descriptions, the blind man and her descent into the water all have symbolic undertones that can enhance the surface plot.

The final cruise
Intreguing pitch, the opening is good
Backed
Eveleen
- Turning a new leaf
- Like a dot on the horizon

Sir, an interesting read with a literary magical feel to it. Strong imagery from the opening paragraph onwards. A good mix of narrative, dialogue and action. All good. Backed.

Ah, gull droppings, fish guts, and rotted bait, the stuff of my childhood, Mr. F. Ellsworth Lockwood -- on the old piers of the old city of Perth Amboy and a scene visited at pier after pier from the mid-Atlantic states to Edgartown (yes, tony Edgartown right alongside the yacht club) all the way up the coast of Maine and Canada and down to the gulf. Ah, and Jack London (excellent historical fiction about Jack right here on Authonomy), and Rose, “that which we call a rose…” and this is all the first page, Mr. Lockwood. I am immersed in your excellent yarn so quickly. If I continue commenting on all the images and memories you conjure up in the FINAL CRUISE, I’ll write another book. But it’s you, sir, who weaves this tale and what a tale it is, FIRST RATE and from a first class gentleman.

Backed with much pleasure and warm wishes.

GK Stritch
CBGB Was My High School

interesting idea

Lynne Ellison

The Green Bronze Mirror

The Final Cruise is an ambitious project that I’ve not seen attempted before, following one man from birth to death and beyond. I love the descriptions of the afterlife as it applies to T.J. and how he meets his ex and has to form an alliance with her. Author F. Ellsworth Lockwood has created quite a compelling story here with eloquent words and images. The one thing I might suggest is changing the look of the cover (a very minor thing I know) to look a little more spooky. I was kind of expecting a “Master and Commander” type of tale, and was pleasantly surprised to find something different and wonderful instead.

Slowly diminishing faith in an upbringing of hardness, brutality, poverty and injustice. Georgie is seen has having bad influence on the young T J Walden, so the friends are forbidden to see one another. Georgie and Natalie have to make their own way in the world, while T J has to put his dreams on hold and settle for bricklaying.
Manchester, England is depicted in a bland contrast of expoitation and near slavery, for the workers, with little concern for justice or welfare, should the circumstances of desitution, force someone to break the law out of deperation. Young T J Walden experiences this hyprocrisy first hand, when he becomes a trapped on a barge with a crazed women ,who increases his debt to her, on any minor indiscretion.
Nicely written, you might find that their are no blocks in England because they would be referred to as streets. Great opening chapters, definitely one for the shelve.
Backed with pleasure
Daniel Manning
No Compatibility.

I love the concept of this book. You create great imagery and interesting scenarios. Your pitch had me hooked as soon as I read it. Backed with pleasure. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

Dear Mr Lockwood,

I have read most of the first chapter of The Final Cruise. My most useful comment is that you should edit this book, preferably with some assistance. From the very beginning, and all through, are gramatical errors, punctuation errors, and poor sentence construction. Also, in many instances, your work could benefit from more appropriate use of words, verbs in particular.

An example of poor sentence construction appears in the first paragraph, second sentence:

"Annoyed gulls lifted off and circled impatiently, eager to return to scavenging as she made her way along the wharf in search of her family's story."

You imply that it is the gulls that is the "she", who is making her way along the wharf in search of her family's story. But the "she" you mean is Rosie, who is the subject of the sentence.

It would make better sense, if you turned the phrases round as follows:

As she made her way along the wharf in search of her family's story, the gulls circled impatiently, waiting to return to their scavenging.

I hope you take this in the spirit in which it is given. You have completed a novel, which is very commendable, but it needs a serious edit.

Best of Luck
Marilyn Rodwell (Marmon)

Dear Mr. Lockwood,

I am not an editor so I will not talk about the technical aspects. What I love about your writing is your elegant prose. One typo - He wasn't buying - why don't you just ask your m(other).

Backed with pleasure.

N.Lalit ( Siren )