MIND THE GAP

For details of how to buy the complete book of Mind the Gap for Kindle or as a print book, visit http://www.thedariustransitions.com/

Cheers,
The Author

Got to Chapter 6, a little later than intended, but here we are.
Have you ever considered a career writing for George Lucas? Your good at cliff-hangers, damn it, and your dialogue is a great deal more imaginative although still, I think, a little of that school. Not that I can talk, dialogue is dodgy area for a lot people!
And if you want popular demand, well, I may not be too popular but I am demanding; and then you get out there and push the book.
It's worth spending a little time visiting and promoting your product, cos the book's worth it!
I'll come back and see later next week...feel like singing a chorus of the old Saturday Morning Picture Club song, waiting for the next episode of Rocketeer or whoever!
Nice one Tim
Max

Hi Tim - Absolutely gripping and action packed. Excellent pace. The kind of book I love to read. I definately will be reading more. Well done.

Ellen

Tim

What can I say. I found your book as part of the "Pitch Me" function on Authonomy and was intrigued enough to start reading.

I read all six chapters in one sitting and was frankly blown away by it.

An insanely fast pace together with an interesting set of characters combine to create a compelling and enjoyable read.

I'll be honest, I usually stay away from self-published books but the six chapters I have read are telling me that Mind The Gap is the real deal and I will be looking at picking this up from Amazon over the next week or two.

This is NOT empty flattery. I really do believe Mind The Gap is THAT good.

The book is backed and I sincerely hope that it helps propel you all the way to the editors desk.

Wishing you the very best of the luck with the book

Best regards

Sean
In Time's Shadow

Mind the Gap...

A lot of self-published books are carp; this one isn't. Really well written and very compelling. It deserves the backing of mainstream publisher.

Two nits: dump your exclamations marks (they're out of fashion) and avoid repeating a character's name too often, unless you want to distance the reader from that character.

You have an intriguing premise and you've executed it really well. I'm surprised you didn't find an agent.

Shelved, of course.

Cheers,
Sheryl
IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES (would love your honest reactions now that I'm getting soooo close to the Editor's Desk. I want the novel to be the best it can be.)

Tim!

MIND THE GAP is such a compelling read, hook after hook after hook! Very visual, backed and staying on my WL so I can read more! This has so many points of interest for me and is excellently drawn.

Melanie.

Very, very interesting! I've read the first chapter, and I'm sure I'll be back to read more once I have a little more spare time.

There is little point in me picking holes in your work as I see - what others seem to have missed - that it is already published and available at http://www.thedariustransitions.com/ (a small plug for you). I hope it sells well, it deserves to. Backed.

Mind the Gap

Hi Tim, You certainly don't hang about, the pace is crackling. The action scenes worked well, but my humble opinion is that there is just too much happening in the first chapter, too many POV switches. Perhaps the best way around this is not actually to change a great deal, but to opt for the Dan Brown / James Patterson approach and just have very short chapters, there would probably need to be some editing, extending, shortening, but have short chapters for each POV change, it would help us keep track. Have no idea where this is going, but I am interested in the ride. You do cliffhangers well, that's great, personally I would have liked a little more characterisation as well, difficult to do with so much action happening, but not impossible, the fight scene in the Ministry of Magic in HP5 is a good example of how characterisation can still work inside an action sequence. Real potential here, I did enjoy the swashbuckling nature of it...ripplingly pace, backed for that alone and would be happy to come back and read some more - best wishes - Andrew W.

What can I say. An unusual combination but it works. Darius is a strong character.

Your pitch itself is quite a rollercoaster ride; I was exhausted just reading it. I thought, “If this novel delivers half of what it promises, it’s going to be a jolly good read”.

But does it? Well on the evidence of the first chapter, yes, definitely. Even my heart was pounding – never mind Darius’s – when the feline-eyed stranger with the knife smiled at him. And even more so when he chased him through that busy underground station. You write this sort of scene expertly: short, sharp sentences whose mood matches the tension and the action. And then, that telepathic conversation between the mysterious robed man and the controller: “We have found him”.

There are a lot of scene-switches here, but that’s exactly what I’d expect if your novel is to live up to its pitch. This is quite cinematic in its feel, and, as far as I can tell, the pace never slackens. Bookshelved for sure.

Bren Verrill
The Weird Problem of Good.

Excellent, beautifully paced. On my shelfto read more. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

For details of how to buy the complete book of Mind the Gap for Kindle or as a print book, visit http://www.thedariustransitions.com/

Cheers,
The Author

What can I say except, WOW. Incredible suspence and great action. This should be made into a movie. Sorry it took me so long to get to it but I have to admit, I wasn't sure I'd like it. How wrong could I be? I am very happy to endorce you.
Monique (Getting Skinny)

OK, finished reading this time. Great fun! A few random thoughts: is that title good enough? do the dog soldiers seem a bit too Power Rangers? do the topical references need updating (eg September 2001 dates the MS)?
I like the Oz humour, too, all the best with this one.

To all those interested in reading beyond the Authonomy excerpt of Mind the Gap - you can now buy the entire book online at:
https://www.createspace.com/3374157

Enjoy!
The Author

Very exciting so far (end Ch 2). No time now, will read more later. Great tension. I love the various threads. Your command of fantasy language/description is impressive. I'm watchlisting this.

Looks interesting, watchlisting...

I liked what I read. Sorry it took me so long to get to.qick enough pace. I could imagine what you were describing. Very good!

Gina

Hi Tim,

I read the first two chapters. You've got a main character who's naturally interesting, because he has a neat power. Who wouldn't want to try out teleportation for a while? Even if he suffers terribly in the novel (and I hope he does, for dramatic purposes), we readers envy him his special ability. Lots of great narrators, from Sherlock Holmes to Spider-Man, have powers we envy. It's a key of good writing, in my opinion.

His power immediately leads him to new places and characters, and away the story goes. The exposition in chapter two might go on a bit long, but otherwise, lovely work!

-- Steve

While your concept drips with potential - anyone ambitious enough to tie in parallel worlds, Egyptology
and the Tube gets a thumbs up in my book - you actually lost me on paragraph four where Darius had 'been half out of his mind with boredom all day. Might as well see what fate has dished up'. It doesn't ring true to me and seems like a bit of a cop out - I don't think a character is real if they do things simply out of boredom, yet mention fate at the same time. If the driving force of the character is boredom, fair enough, but it needs
to be exaggerated more, highlighted and developed, otherwise the character doesn't feel right.
Also, you seem to suffer from the same thing I do - a proliferation of the word 'it' when clarity of what 'it' is needs to be established in places. Such as, "Beyond it he could see its counterpart in the next carriage, endlessly oscillating as the train moved on. It was blocked by something grey, maybe clothing. Then it suddenly swung away..." The first and second 'it' is a window, yet the last 'it' is grey clothing. You have to
kill those its...
As the scene in the first chapter intensifies, your action takes over. That's cool, it's an action-packed chapter and should move along at a speedy pace, which you've done. But Darius needs to be interpreting for the reader the motivations of himself and the stranger. Obviously Darius' motives are purely self protection, but he should be wondering why the stranger is after him (at the very least reiterating that he had confronted the stranger at the carriage window). Darius should be wondering why the guy wants to knife him, why he's chasing him. Your action is solid - just back it up with some characterisation and you're onto something.
Great title, too.

Hi Tim
I've only read ch 1, but love the way you immediately get the feel this is London! Great opening line. Straight into the story. Interesting central character. Interesting story! I will come back for more.
Hannah

Okay, I definitely like this one. In the beginning, I wondered how the initial description I read was going to tie into the story. It reads like a Robert Ludlum-sort of story; lots of fast-paced action and a compelling plot. Then you just start getting enough peculiar details to make you want to keep reading, but not enough to actually let you know what's going on. This is my favorite sort of fiction, where it's based in the world as we know it before some unknown, bizarre element throws everything for a loop. Kinda like mine, in that respect, so maybe that's another reason to like it. Oh, and I love the "mostly harmless" quote. That was awesome. I'm definitely bookshelving this one and reading it.
--Jonathan

I've had this on my watchlist for a while as I'm have a bit of a thing for Eygytology and the like and I've finally found the time to read it - and it's great. It's fast moving but not so fast that as a reader you get lost had have to re-read parts and there are enough seperate strands to make you want to keep going to find out what happens next.

There was only one thing that made me stop and think - and it's in no way a criticism - but the first time you mention Aunbis (with Madeline and the dog) I just wondered how many people would know who you were talking about. I think loads would recognise him but maybe not all would know name - just wondering if it might be worth saying something like 'Anubis the Jackel headed god', but honestly I think I might just be splitting hairs over that.

I do like it enough to bookshelve it.

Hi Tim,
I'd seen your great titles around a few bookshelves so i decided to have a look. I'm so glad I did. The pitch drew me in immediately and I've just read three chapters with huge pleasure. I was intigrued to see what you'd do with the parallel world idea because it seems to be much less common in books for adults than for young children (Alice started it all, I suppose). What I think you've conveyed so brilliantly is Darius's sense of bewilderment , his disbelief that this could be happening and , so far, his partial comprehension and acceptance. The details of his physical reactions to each movement really add to the sense of reality- he's an entirely convincing character, reacting very believably to extraordinary circumstances- beautifully done.
I also like your writing style particularly when you have got over the horrors of writing the first page and really begin to find your rhythm . There are some great pauses in the action where your wit shines through. I've particularly enjoyed 'Small loopholes can also be exploited' and 'Wash your mouth out. . . . Several people have commented on your slightly lavish use of descriptive language- it doesn't worry me at all. In this genre it seems to me that the reader needs all the help on offer. The only time I thought the pace was compromised was the 'relatively thick crowds' right near the beginning as this seemed to be an unnecessary description of the crows. most of your readers when this is published ( and yes I think it ought to be) won't know the relativel density of passengers on the London Underground system so i suggest you just call it a crowd! This is a great start to my second SF night of reading. Thanks for posting this mss, it's a great read. I'm bookshlelving. jak

Thanks kidsbright, I appreciate those points. Will take them into account next time I revise the first chapter.

I think you jump about rather too much, for me anyway. At times, it's hard to know exactly what's going on. But the tension is excellent. Keep bashing away at it!

Hi Tim,
What a read! I'm coming back to read more - and you're on my bookshelf. Fast pace, great action - and using the different settings worked well, too (and I've only read chapter 1 so far). It's a rare talent to be able to tell a story, without much dialogue. You've got it! I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter this evening. This place is changing my reading habits.
Good luck with this!

Marit

Thanks to all for the latest comments, they're much appreciated.

M - I take your point about adverbs etc, will have a look at the text again. Re dived/dove, I think that's just another of those little differences between British English and American English.

? tuo gnimoc eb lliw siht nehw wonk i od woH. hguoht ot peelsa llaf ot koob a si siht kniht t'nod I. em sah tI

Comment on the opening: too much telling. I think you explain way too much, and some of your syntax needs to be revised. Indirect writing like "...there was an awkwardness in the air..." doesn't work. Awkwardness is a bad adjective to use here. It's ambiguous. You need to write more directly.

"... He jumped at the unexpected encounter ..." too much. How about "He jumped" ?

"... he dived to the floor unthinkingly ..." adverbs are nasty. Lose them if you can. Write: "he dived to the floor." If you want to get all literary on us, you could play with something like, "he dived to the floor in a crazed unthinking blur." And, actually, isn't it "dove"? Like, "he dove to the floor?" Hmmm ... where's my dictionary?

When writing action, stay away from excessive adjectives and adverbs. You want pace, my friend. The big deal I see here is your attempt to over-explain all action. A first reader will turn this down at an agency or a publishing house until you lose the telling.

I hope this helps you. ;)

Tim - Having read the first chapter (and even though this isn't the type of thing I usually read) I found it gripping and loved the pace and style. We are thrown in at the deep end, which I loved, and I'm looking forward to reading more!
Unlike a lot of people, I just LOVE the London Underground and for this reason your title and the setting of the first chapter really appealed to me.
Thanks for commenting on my 'Dancing' book.
Maybe you could spare a few minutes to read some of my travel book, 'Alarums & Excursions etc' which I think you might like!
Good luck with this - it deserves to do well and I can see that given the chance it will!
Alison

Tim many thanks for getting around to Evil. Had some great comments to wake up to this morning, yours included. I am so leaning towards that different beginning so I'm happy you've helped confirm that in my mind. (Always get a bit nervous when changing stuff, but have to bite the bullet :) ) Cheers and best of luck with Mind The Gap!

Well, in your pitch, second sentence, fifth word in, you uttered the magic incantation that is guaranteed to get my juices flowing, and raise my anticipation antennae!! Egyptology....... at one time I was going to be bigger than Flinders Petrie and dig great big holes all over Egypt....... hehehehe. So I dived in. Hmmmmmm luvverly in here. Allow me to do a little shuffling around in my bookshelf and watchlist.....

Thanks DAM. By cupboard I meant what you'd perhaps call a closet or storeroom? An enclosed space a janitor wouild store things. Next time I do a rewrite I'll see if I can find a more universal term. Thanks for your feedback - please add me to your bookshelf if you think it worthy!

Hey, Tim. No time tonight to read more, but added you to the WATCHLIST. Since you asked for feedback, a couple things. 1) EXCELLENT pace...clipped along with barely a stray word. I was drawn in from....well...to be honest it took me about three paragraphs. But then again, I'm easy.
2) As a non-Brit (do I have to admit I'm from the states? Don't worry - we hate him as much as the rest of the world) I got confused by the language. I know a CARRIAGE and the TUBE. I even got the MOBILE (we call them 'cell') but what the heck's a CUPBOARD? Over here, it's that thing in the kitchen. Is it possible to use a different word so we get a more universal vision?
3) The jump from Darius vacating the 'cupboard' (what IS that?) to the flower is not clear. It stumped me and I had to read it twice.

I think this is a great read. I'll be back to finish it.....

Hi, Tim

Have put Mind The Gap on my watchlist even though I've only had time to look at the first chapter - great stuff! I love fantasy, hence why most of my books are of that genre. 'Gone' too is a fantasy, which was inspired by truth.

Julie

You sucked me in on the first chapter. Love this genre. Really rather like this book. :) Popped you on my bookshelf, good luck :)
Susie

Dear Tim, I like action and fantasy. I will be putting your book on my watchlist. If you like action from children in the Amazon, then have a look at my book Elements of Nature. Thank you. Bruna

Dear Tim, I like action and fantasy. I will be putting your book on my watchlist. If you like action from children in the Amazon, then have a look at my book Elements of Nature. Thank you. Bruna

Thanks Bob, that's really useful feedback - I had been wondering whether I had that bit with the rails quite right. Will amend the text when I get a chance.

Well I finally got around to the first chapter. Great pace. Kept me captivated. Only 2 things I spotted ... but then I would as I drive Tubes for a living LOL. The centre rail is the negative return rail. It's the ouside current rail the furthest from the platform that carries all the juice. ... our rails use A.C. current, so somebody would have to bridge the gap between the 2 rails to be electrocuted. Sorry if this seems picky. Not meant to be. Looking forward to reading more:). Also station officer should read station supervisor. Other than that I really like this one.... on my shelf it goes.


Bob

Hi Tim - I've finished reading and want to congratulate you on a piece well done.
Your description of places is not excessive and sufficient information is given to allow the readers to use their own imagination. Characters are well rounded with bits of their history given out throughout the story. I am left wondering what will happen next so please do complete it. It is worthy of publishing and I hope to see it in the book shops.

I spotted just a few minor errors within the chapters on words which mean something else. Your spell checker hasn't picked them up because they are correct words. (sorry I was too involved with the story to make a note of which chapter they appeared in). I also noticed that there is a slip of viewpoint within the same section of text in chapter 12 between Settar and Tarik. These are minor things and didn't actually spoil the reading. So keep writing and well done again. - Ellen

Tim,

This is a much better start. I'm glad that the reflection scene is gone, even though I didn't comment on it. I would still like to know where Darius was going and why, because I don't get a picture of his character at all (and the character-y stuff doesn't really belong in the chase scenes anyway). So a little throwaway comment on what he was doing on the train would go a long way. Coming back from a boring office job? Coming back from a job interview? Riding the train without a ticket because he has neither job nor money?

Thx for adding me matey. :) Nice looking concept you have here. Deffo on my watchlist to read..... don't have a lot of time unfortunately as i work away from home and don't get much access to internet, but will do my best. Title of book is ironic really considering that not only do I work on the underground, but also that i drive trains on the Northern line. So I get to hear that damn phase several times a day. Lol. All the best matey.... will get bk to you as soon as i can. Bob

Inspired title and good (frantic!) pacing. I like the scene changes, they break it up nicely, but I've got to read on a bit to see whether it gets confusing (just finished chapter one) ;)

However, don't use reflection to describe your protagonist. For one, it's over-used. Secondly, your readers don't need to know what the protagonist actually looks like unless it is directly important to the plot. Personally, even when I'm reading these kinds of descriptions--rather than skimming over them--the image doesn't really stick in my mind.

This could benefit from some editing, but it's a gripping read :)

Thanks Dora, glad you're enjoying it. While writing it I was very much influenced by the way film and TV tells science fiction stories - I think that's reflected in the frequent scene changes. Hopefully it adds pace rather than confusion for the reader.

Nicely done. You grab the reader early on and don't let go. I love the juxtaposition of Darius's world with the not-quite-real reality into which he's been thrust.

Interesting character mix. Darius is immediately likable as the confused protagonist finding out the world isn't as he believed. Hamila's a strong character, too. The seer, with his love of songs, is an interesting guy.

I enjoy your descriptive passages as well as the action-packed scenes.

I'm only a few chapters in--work calls--but I am seriously hooked and putting this one on my watchlist.

The storyline is not quite like anything I've read before, which is saying a great deal. Can't wait to find out more about the ways the worlds are interwoven.

Hi Tim
Thanks for putting my latest effort (the a-Dancing one) on watch, but unfortunately I updated it and lost you...
Anyway....I'll put you on watch and take a look later. Thanks again. Alison

Yeah that's true Scott - I certainly wouldn't say that all movie trailers are any good, some are downright cheesy. Still, the aim of keeping the blurb short and snappy is a good one.

Hello, Hey, Tim Parallax, this is Scott Parallax :). Thanks for taking so much time for me about the pitch. I appreciate it. My excerpt pitch is a try to intrigue, without going the moive-trailer route. I do believe that movie teasers are an art form of making something bad seem good. There are lessons there. There's one rule I know to be true, when you don't know what to write, write it simple.

What a great story. Action from the start and it kept up a good pace all the way through to the end of Chapter six, which came all too soon. I found the jumping about between stations and worlds a bit confusing at first, but realising that that was what the story was about, I trusted that it was going to become clear as the story unfolded and I wasn't disappointed. Very well written and full of interesting ideas. I am enjoying it a lot and look forward to more. Consider this an addition to the 'by popular request' list.

Tim, I have read this and think it's just fantastic. I liked everything from the pitch, to the fast pace of the first chapter, to the concept of the worlds being linked through major events.

I only had one thing that stood in my mind from what I have read so far, and that is the explanation of the link between the worlds given to Darius by Hamila. I can't explain why, but somehow it just felt too... convenient? Not the right word, but what I am getting at is that it felt a bit contrived, like in a TV drama when they try and tie all the lose ends together in the last 10 minutes. Please don't get me wrong, I understand that it needs to be done, and everything else is so well put together, I am sure it was done specifically that way.

You also seem very spacially aware. I don't feel as though there is any risk the tale will get lost, and have confidence as a reader that it is worth reading on. One of my favourite books is Eon by Greg Bear, and based on your work, I think you would like this and the sequel, Eternity. They also explore paralle worlds, and egyptology plays a key part.

I will be moving you onto my last place on the shelf after my recent round of reading, as this deserves to get the attention of a wider audience. One of the best I have read on here.... so far!