Book Jacket

 

rank 2117
word count 33865
date submitted 18.09.2008
date updated 05.05.2009
genres: Thriller, Science Fiction, Fantasy
classification: moderate
incomplete

MIND THE GAP

Tim Richards

Darius Ibrahim is not having a good week. Beset by parallel worlds, Egyptology, prophecy and techno-magic, can Darius survive his manifestation of an unexpected power?

 

He’s been threatened by a knife-wielding maniac on a London train, interrogated by a mysterious warrior woman beneath the city’s streets, pursued by a military death squad in Melbourne, had his new girlfriend kidnapped and held hostage in Prague, and been captured and taken to another world.

And it’s barely been three days since his life started to fall to pieces.

On top of all this, he’s developed a bizarre ability that allows him to teleport in quite unusual circumstances - an ability that several deadly enemies will do anything to gain control of.

In a desperate struggle involving alternate worlds, Egyptian mythology, ancient prophecy, malevolent felines, underground railway stations and the power of dreams, can Darius long survive the arrival of his newfound power?

 
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dreams, egypt, fantasy, felines, parallel worlds, science fiction, techno-magic, teleportation

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Park Royal

Darius Ibrahim heard a scream, muffled but distinct.

Then another. Darius lowered his newspaper. Around him, heads were turning to the rear of the carriage. Beyond it, he could dimly make out movement in the carriage beyond. A swirl of grey, then blankness as something covered the window on the other side. It was dark outside, and as the train sped along, the adjoining carriage windows constantly moved in and out of alignment with each other. Like airlocks endlessly lining up but never quite meeting, he thought.

There was an awkwardness in the air, as Tube etiquette was tested by the unexpected sound. Normally, it didn’t matter how loudly you talked to a friend or pondered the Guardian crossword aloud, your neighbours would pretend to not notice. It was a kind of sanity survival strategy, but so was a heightened awareness of possible threats. These two opposing forces were now at work in the troubled minds of the carriage’s occupants.

On an impulse, Darius got up. He’d been half out of his mind from boredom. Might as well see what fate has dished up.

Clutching at the overhead straps, he made his way to the carriage’s end window. Beyond it he could see its counterpart in the next carriage, endlessly oscillating as the train moved on. It was blocked by something grey, maybe clothing. Then the obstacle suddenly swung away and he found himself staring at a face.

He jumped at the unexpected encounter. It was a plain, undistinguished face, closely shaved all round with a suggestion of fair hair from the stubble on top of the head. Green eyes peered into Darius’ carriage and looked slowly from one side to the other. There was something odd about the pupils - they seemed slightly elongated - but otherwise they were expressionless. Cold, hard, and not a smile or frown on the man’s face. He stepped back a little, and Darius could now see he held a knife.

Darius froze. What do you do when you’re enclosed within a small hurtling space, confronted by danger close at hand? Fight or flight? But the danger was in the next carriage. Nowhere to fly to, but no-one to fight.

He felt warmth returning to his limbs after the sudden shock. Darius swung around to see how others were reacting. Some looked startled, others were ignoring the next carriage with focused intent. He caught the eye of a middle-aged man in an anorak and brown corduroys.

“Did you see that?” he asked, after a moment’s pause. His voice sounded louder than expected.

The man looked away. Others around him looked embarrassed.

“He’s got a knife!” Darius yelled to the carriage in general. No-one moved, though some looked frightened. “Shit.” Darius pulled his mobile phone from his pocket, intending to call the police. He’d started on the first “9” when he realised something: the train was slowing down. In a moment, they’d be at the next station and the carriage doors would open. Suddenly the danger was a little nearer. Would it be better to jump out to attract someone’s attention, or stay where he was? He paused uncertainly, as the word “Alperton” came into view on a station sign.

The doors opened. Stay or leave? Darius let go of the strap and started hesitantly toward the opening door. Then the decision was taken away from him. There was a flash of grey along the platform. Then the overcoat-clad green-eyed man stood at the carriage threshold, looking slowly around.

He stepped in, and Darius stepped back, heart pounding. He found himself pressed against the end window as the man stopped just inside the closing doors. For a moment, he formed part of a tableau, motionless. Then the doors thudded shut and the train rolled away from the platform.

With that cue, the man started walking toward the far end of the carriage, away from Darius. He looked down at each face, peering intently at them, as if looking for someone. People were trying to ignore him. You could sense the common mental process: “Ignore him, don’t provoke him, just another nutter”. None of them had seen the knife, of course. The passengers at Darius’ end of the carriage were more alert, clutching bags and shrinking into their seats. A slim blond woman on Darius’ other side had followed through with his idea, speaking softly but urgently into a mobile cupped in her palm.

Then the stranger reached a couple of young men at the far end of the carriage. They were dressed in torn jeans, bomber jackets and chains, and had been drinking from bottles in brown paper. As a result, there was some space around them. When the grey man reached them, they looked up with surprise.

“What’s your problem, mate?” said one of them as the new arrival stared into his eyes. “Lost your boyfriend?” He laughed, and his friend joined in just a little too enthusiastically.

“Nah Gaz, it’s open day at the loony bin,” he added. “‘E’s done a runner!”. Then he slapped Gaz on the back and more laughter followed.

The stranger was unmoved by any of this. Having finished with Gaz, he moved to the second man and stared closely at him.

“Now he fancies you, mate,” said Gaz, angry now. He pulled off the thick bike chain that had been hanging over his shoulder, and slapped it into his palm for emphasis. He screwed up his face and spat at the grey overcoat. “Piss off, arsehole!”

The reaction was instantaneous. The stranger slipped a hand into his pocket and pulled out the knife. The third man swore and jumped back, while Gaz made to swing his chain. Halfway through its arc, it was caught in the stranger’s left hand as he drove his right hand forward. There was an enormous yelp of pain, an animal cry. Then Gaz crashed to the floor, bleeding profusely from his stomach and apparently lifeless.

Ignoring the ensuing chaos as the passengers reacted to the sudden violence, the man turned, and started down to Darius’ end of the carriage. The silence was broken, and the train was filled with yells and screams. Passengers darted fearfully back from the man as he resumed his even tread, staring into faces as he held the dripping knife at waist height.

He reached Darius, pressed into the end window. Then he smiled. It was the most terrifying thing Darius had seen, the man’s muscles moving slowly as if being remotely operated. The eyes stayed ice cold, while the mouth set into a frozen sneer. Darius could see the man’s canines, long and pointed.

He dived to the floor unthinkingly, survival instincts taking over. He was slim enough to slip between the man’s knife arm and body, then dart for the centre of the carriage. What he was going to do there, he had no idea.

There was a snarl from the stranger. He was quick, but had been distracted at the moment of recognition. He twirled around noiselessly and raised the knife, advancing on Darius with his free arm outstretched. Darius saw a tattoo of some type around his wrist: some kind of animal crouching for the kill. He cringed, waiting for the man’s grasp or knife thrust.

Then there was a hiss behind him. The doors. They were at a station! He leapt out and ran for his life.

He had a second or two on his side, but not much more than that. His slimness might help though, he thought, and he weaved in and out of the relatively thick crowd. Behind him he heard a muffled shout, and raised voices. He dared not look back for fear of slowing down.

Stairs. Up or down? Then a roar came from his left as the knife-man thrust his way through terrified commuters, blocking the path upwards to the pedestrian bridge. Darius dived into the smaller, downward stairwell, clattering down the stairs. After just a few steps, he was confronted by a blank wall. To the left was a narrow grimy door, slightly ajar.

On impulse, he threw himself through the opening and pulled the door shut. He almost tripped as something hard knocked against his shin, and choked back a curse as he pulled his mobile from his pocket, ready to call for help. For the moment, however, he dared not make a sound that would give his position away.

A few seconds went by, Darius’ heartbeat pounding in his head. Then, with mounting terror, he heard a steady tread descending the stairs. He dared a peek through a slat in the door - and looked straight into a murderous face.

“Christ!” Darius jumped back in surprise, tripping over the mop and bucket he’d bumped into before, and dropping his phone. It clattered away in the darkness, lost. The door was rattling now as the grey man thumped the lock in frustration.

Shocked, Darius felt his breath speed up as he crouched at the back of the cupboard. Without conscious decision, he closed his eyes and hunched over in a ball as the thumping continued. His pulse grew louder, bright colours swam before his eyes and he felt a rising wave of nausea. Something tugged at him - or at his mind? - and he felt as if he were keeling over sideways.

Outside, the stranger gave one last thump and the flimsy lock gave way. He shoved the door open. The cupboard was empty.

***

The short dark man bent over the flower and inhaled. Its perfume was hardly noticeable against the thick spicy aroma of the nursery, but he enjoyed the ritual in any case. Turning, his gaze swept around the chamber. It was still impressive, even though he was intimately familiar with its contents from years of visits.

The nursery was housed in a structure that resembled a vast egg-shaped bubble, perfectly smooth and of an opaque greyish white. The curved surface seemed to glow slightly, emitting light. It was surprisingly soothing, this gentle glow. The man absent-mindedly fingered the metal badge on his robes as he looked over the greenery around him.

He turned back to the flower, and picked up a slender handled instrument from next to the pot. He lifted it toward the plant…

… and doubled over in agony as a wave of pain crashed through his mind. All sensation was blocked as he fell, not noticing the impact with the ground. His right arm toppled the table and the plant fell to the ground, its earthenware container smashed. The metal tool clattered along the wooden flooring.

Waves of colours were moving through the man’s mind, and beyond them he could sense a shape, or concept. It eluded him, but he felt drawn toward it. Just as it was starting to take form, the screaming stopped. Reality flooded back in.

Despite the residual pain, the man dragged himself to his feet and set the table back on its feet. Leaning against it, he touched his badge and closed his eyes. In a moment, he felt the Controller’s mind. It, too, was tinged with shock and surprise.

“What was that?” came the Controller’s mental reply, the niceties of formal address lost in the aftermath of the event. “I blacked out… we all did…”

The robed man gathered his swirling uncertainties together and hid them behind a mental shield of confidence.

“Notify all agents,” he replied. “We have found him. This must be the one.”

***

Hamila Laurent stood on the bank of the Nile, watching the fiery sunset. It was spectacular, great whorls of orange tinged with pink, a few bright stars showing through. Atmospheric conditions had been upset this year by an unexpected volcanic eruption in the Andes. It had killed many people through the flash flood caused by a rapidly melting glacier. It was ironic that the legacy of such a deadly event could be so beautiful.

Hamila stood on a small hilltop, her right arm holding an intricately carved staff which almost matched her height. She was dark-skinned, athletic, with black hair tied back behind her head. Her boyish, loose-fitting garments allowed for maximum movement. If the people working in the fields nearby had been able to see her, they would have picked her for a fighter.

She sighed, as the air around her subtly shimmered. In the distance she could make out the imposing bulk of the Ahram, the ancient pyramids, glowing around their edges. Thinking of their alignment, she glanced up to find Sirius… then flinched in an explosion of pain.

Dropping to her knees, she grasped the staff for support as she squeezed her eyes shut and concentrated. In a moment, the pain receded to a background irritation. But it was still there, and she suddenly knew what it meant. Straightening up, she gasped involuntarily.

“It’s him. At last, just like they said. But…”

The pain shut off, as if it had never been there.

Hamila turned on her heel and ran toward the city.

***

Darius vomited.

“Disgusting,” said a voice somewhere in front of him.

Darius slowly looked up, needles of pain shooting through him as he completed the action. His vision was blurry, but he could make out dark shapes moving across his vision a few metres away. None of them came very close.

“What the…?” He tried to stand, but a wave of dizziness convinced him to stay on his knees for the time being.

What had happened? He remembered fear, a rapid, rising anxiety, then a strange squeezing sensation deep within him. It was followed by a rushing sensation in his chest, a blur of colours behind the eyes, and then he had found himself here.

Here. He had only just realised that he was no longer in the cupboard, no longer hunched over, leg against a cold metal bucket, listening to violent thuds against the door, waiting for death.

The blur suddenly cleared and Darius shot to his feet, powered by adrenalin.

“Shit!” The stranger, the knife, the pursuit. He had been trapped, but… what had happened next?

Newly alert, he backed against a wall for support. Cool tiles against his hands suggested he was still in the station. But no-one looked panicked, he realised, as he glanced at the dark shapes which were now revealed as people. At most, they cast nervous or disapproving glances in his direction then strode onward slightly more quickly.

Darius pushed down residual nausea as he tried to get his thoughts in order. How had he escaped?

“I must have… I must have…” he mumbled.

Nothing came to mind.

Then, “I must have got past him somehow, ran for it, blacked out… I guess”.

It didn’t seem entirely satisfactory, but the problem remained: was he still in danger?

Breathing more easily now, he tried to remember where he had begun. They’d arrived at Alperton station… No, wait, that was the one before. The next one was, um… Park Royal.

But now he thought about it, this place didn’t feel right. Park Royal station was far enough from central London that it was largely an above-ground station, the platforms open to the air. The corridor he was in was claustrophobic, rounded, tiled in an old-fashioned style like the underground stations in the centre of the city.

Puzzled, he followed the tunnel onward, passing a few other people on the way. Then he stepped out onto what was clearly an underground station, with its distinctive circular tunnel. Opposite him was a large poster for a Salvador Dali exhibition. Even in his weakened state, he could see the humour in that.

Next to the poster was a large sign reading “Regents Park”.

Darius felt dazed. For a moment he forgot the threat of violence, and sank onto a bench against the platform wall. There were few people on the platform at present, as a train had just left. A little further down, two young teenagers were thumping a chocolate bar vending machine. With a burst of expletives, they kicked it, then gave up and walked through the exit.

Darius sat staring at the sign opposite, suspended above the tracks.

Regents Park. Not Park Royal.

He closed his eyes, and tested his head against the cool tiles behind him. Beneath the immobility caused by confusion, Darius could sense a welling panic, an anxiety born of the fear that he was losing his grip on reality. He had been on the Piccadilly Line, he had been at Park Royal station, he must have been. But this was Regents Park, on the Bakerloo line, right across London. Had he blacked out, somehow got onto a train that ended up here? But he would have had to change lines to do that.

And there was the locked cupboard at Park Royal. How had he got out of that?

Adrenalin surged again. Whatever had happened, it would be better to be outside. He got up, and headed shakily for the exit.***

Central London was a hectic location, but it held calm places, and Regents Park was one of these oases. A swathe of green cut through the centre, punctuated here and there by lakes and paths. It was a place to feed the ducks or to take a brief lunch-hour stroll.

Madeleine Taylor had been walking the park as usual, a golden Labrador tugging against the lead in her hands. It was her employer’s dog, but she was fond of it. Being a live-in housekeeper was tiring work, and Dalrymple gave her an excuse to get outside for a while. Sometimes she wondered if she’d done the right thing in moving from Swindon to London, but a walk in the park helped to elude these doubts.

Madeleine eyed the ducks as she walked along a path leading to a bridge across the water, feeling Dalrymple’s ever-enthusiastic pull. Then suddenly he stopped, and she almost fell over the dog as he stood stock still, staring into the trees beyond the shallow lake.

She walked past him and tugged the lead gently to get him moving again. Dalrymple didn’t budge.

“Come on,” she said, lightly. “We haven’t got all day.”

Then the dog began to growl.

She started to speak again as she followed his line of sight, then stopped, speechless. There was a glint of metal in the trees, then an explosion of activity as three figures burst from the trees and began running toward her. Each of them carried a long black cylinder strapped to one arm.

Dalrymple jumped forward with a jerk, and Madeleine felt the lead snatched from her hand. She watched in silent horror as he leapt at the closest figure and grabbed it by the leg. Casually, only momentarily stopping his forward motion, the figure swung the cylinder down in contact with the dog’s head. There was a flash of light and the animal crumpled to the ground.

Madeleine started screaming. And she was still screaming when a beam of light from the second stranger’s weapon struck her. As she collapsed, falling into unconsciousness, she dreamily noted the profile of Anubis on the gleaming black surface of the leading figure’s mask.

***

“I’ve a good mind to rub your nose in it, mate!”

Authority had caught up with Darius. While he had been recovering on the platform, puzzling over what had happened while the steel cylinders of Tube trains rattled past, a concerned passer-by had reported his presence to the station officials. Usually you could rely on Londoners staying reserved and uninvolved, but today one had felt pushed just a little too far. Which was unlucky for Darius. For everyone, as it turned out.

He was standing in the station concourse, collar in the grip of a man in a uniform. Red-faced and middle-aged, he was taking out the frustrations of the day on this likely looking target. His attention had been drawn to the vomit down below, and he wasn’t happy about it.

“Give him a break, buddy.” A voice broke in, American, self-assured, from over the official’s shoulder. Darius could see a tall dark-haired young man standing there, backpack slung over one shoulder.

Darius found his voice. “Yeah, what he said… I’m not having a good day, y’know?”

The flustered officer looked one way then the other, uncertain on who to focus his rage.

Then they all heard shouting from above, and turned to face the exit.

“What the…?” Darius felt the station officer’s hand slip from his collar as he gaped in astonishment at the stairs leading up to the street. Or more precisely, at where the stairs had been. For the entrance to the stairwell was now blocked by a wall of light, a dimly glowing pearly screen.

The backpacker strode across to it and held his hand out, close to its surface.

“Don’t!” yelled Darius, and the American jerked his hand away, staring back.

“I don’t know why I said that,” said Darius in a lower tone. “There’s just something wrong about it… it feels…”

“It’s cold,” said the backpacker. “But it doesn’t look solid, exactly. Like a freaking science fiction movie eh, a force field or something?”

“Just leave it alone, eh mate?” Darius glanced around. The station official had retreated to the ticket office, and another two people were standing over to one side, looking worried. One was trying to use a mobile phone, but seemed to be having problems with it.

“You know what we oughta do?” said the backpacker, turning to face Darius. “We oughta…”

His sentence remained unfinished. With a loud crack, three black-clad figures burst through the pearly shield, as it re-formed around them. One of them knocked down the backpacker with a sidelong blow from the weapon he carried, and he fell to the floor. Then they saw Darius and turned toward him as one.

Darius ducked and ran, plunging back down the stairs to the lower concourse. He felt a burst of heat above his head as he scuttled downward. Glancing up, he caught a glimpse of a beam of light hitting the roof of the stairwell. The brown tiles glowed brightly where it struck. He could hear the muffled voice of the station official above him, then silence.

He looked around desperately. The stairs to the right led straight onto the northbound platform. No train there yet, no escape. He ducked to the left down the stairs to the southbound platform, where he’d found himself after his blackout earlier. He’d have to hope a southbound train would come through, or that he could hide somewhere until it did.

Behind him, heavy footsteps clattered down the stairs.

Darius reached the platform. No train. Damn! He darted a look at the display: five minutes till the next one. Running down the length of the platform, he noticed an elderly woman sitting on a bench at the end. She half rose, alarmed, as he ran toward her.

“Get away from me!” she said, eyes wide with fright. “I haven’t got anything worth stealing!”

“Get down!” he yelled, pushing her back onto the bench. As he did so, a beam of pearly light struck her body, beneath her left arm. She collapsed beneath him. As time seemed to slow around him, Darius noticed she was still breathing.

He laid the woman down upon the bench and turned slowly, his back now against the platform’s end wall. The tiles cooled his back through his sweat-laden shirt as his fear rose again. At the end of the platform, the three figures stood facing him. He realised now that their uniforms weren’t just black, they were smooth and reflective. They seemed more like polished stone than cloth, and it was impossible to spot the seams. Over their heads were helmets of the same material, shiny and alien.

The lead soldier stepped forward, his weapon still raised. He reached up and touched his helmet. Incredibly, it dissolved into thin air, revealing a close-cropped dark-haired man with a grim countenance.

Darius pushed closer against the wall. The numbed sensation of unreality he’d been experiencing since Alperton was washing over him now that he’d stopped moving. He couldn’t see what else he could do now. What did it matter anyway? Was any of this actually real?

Then, as the soldier came alongside the nearest exit that led back to the stairs, a figure shot out of the passage with tremendous force. There was a loud crack as it connected with the soldier’s head. His weapon flew from his hand and clattered along the platform as the force of the blow carried him off the edge, onto the tracks. Darius watched in horror as the two figures crashed onto the far side of the tracks, then began struggling. Then there was a cry, a thrashing of limbs, and a thump as the soldier’s lifeless body was thrown back onto the platform by his opponent.

The two other soldiers had recovered from their initial shock and were running along the platform, taking aim at the new arrival, ignoring Darius.

Darius felt his limbs come back to life as he realised the brief chance he had been given. Without thinking twice, he jumped off the platform and ran into the southbound tunnel.

Behind him he heard dulled blows and raised voices, receding as he ran. He glanced to his left at the tracks. He had to be careful to avoid the farthest of the four rails, the one that carried the electric current. If he happened to step on that at the same time as the return rail in the centre, he'd be dead meat. For the first time, he was grateful for the uninvited lectures his Uncle Bob, a Tube driver, had given him on the intricacies of the system.

He stumbled as realisation hit him. The soldier must have bridged the two rails in the struggle and been killed by the current. Was that luck, or deadly skill on his assailant's part?

No time to think about that now. Just run for your life.

As he started off again, he tried to picture where he was heading. South of Regents Park… next station… Oxford Circus? How far could it be? Some of the Tube stations were closer together than you’d imagine. You could easily walk from Leicester Square to Covent Garden underground, he remembered.

No noise from behind now. Then Darius noticed a hum building in the tunnel. He stopped, horrified, as he realised the sound was coming from the rails beside him.

The train! In his flight from the killers behind him, he’d forgotten about the more obvious danger of running down an Underground tunnel in the near-dark. It must be almost five minutes now since he’d glanced at the platform display.

Darius looked around wildly for a way to escape the oncoming juggernaut. There was nothing. He stood rooted to the spot in fear.

Then, as he saw the lights approaching in the distant reaches of the tunnel, something struck him with tremendous force and lifted him off his feet. The breath was knocked out of him, and as he began to struggle he realised he was being carried over the tracks to the other side. He saw the dull gleam of the electrified rail just centimetres below him.

As they landed on the far side of the tracks, he felt the arm around him loosen slightly. Darius took this as the cue to struggle in earnest. While this was happening, the rumbling was getting louder and the Tube train’s lights looming closer.

They swung round, his captor still gripping his waist from behind. As the lights of the oncoming train blinded him, he felt his strength surge up in desperation.

Suddenly he heard a voice, partly drowned by the noise in the tunnel.

“I’m trying to help, you idiot. Stop moving or we’ll both be killed!”

Instantly, he felt a sudden pressure on the side of his neck. Firm, forceful, but strangely soothing at the same time.

Darius stopped struggling. As the train rushed toward them, he passed out.

Chapters

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Parallax wrote 1016 days ago

For details of how to buy the complete book of Mind the Gap for Kindle or as a print book, visit http://www.thedariustransitions.com/

Cheers,
The Author

blindcupid wrote 1230 days ago

Got to Chapter 6, a little later than intended, but here we are.
Have you ever considered a career writing for George Lucas? Your good at cliff-hangers, damn it, and your dialogue is a great deal more imaginative although still, I think, a little of that school. Not that I can talk, dialogue is dodgy area for a lot people!
And if you want popular demand, well, I may not be too popular but I am demanding; and then you get out there and push the book.
It's worth spending a little time visiting and promoting your product, cos the book's worth it!
I'll come back and see later next week...feel like singing a chorus of the old Saturday Morning Picture Club song, waiting for the next episode of Rocketeer or whoever!
Nice one Tim
Max

Ellen-Jane wrote 1221 days ago

Hi Tim - Absolutely gripping and action packed. Excellent pace. The kind of book I love to read. I definately will be reading more. Well done.

Ellen

Sean O'Brien wrote 864 days ago

Tim

What can I say. I found your book as part of the "Pitch Me" function on Authonomy and was intrigued enough to start reading.

I read all six chapters in one sitting and was frankly blown away by it.

An insanely fast pace together with an interesting set of characters combine to create a compelling and enjoyable read.

I'll be honest, I usually stay away from self-published books but the six chapters I have read are telling me that Mind The Gap is the real deal and I will be looking at picking this up from Amazon over the next week or two.

This is NOT empty flattery. I really do believe Mind The Gap is THAT good.

The book is backed and I sincerely hope that it helps propel you all the way to the editors desk.

Wishing you the very best of the luck with the book

Best regards

Sean
In Time's Shadow

Paolito wrote 929 days ago

Mind the Gap...

A lot of self-published books are carp; this one isn't. Really well written and very compelling. It deserves the backing of mainstream publisher.

Two nits: dump your exclamations marks (they're out of fashion) and avoid repeating a character's name too often, unless you want to distance the reader from that character.

You have an intriguing premise and you've executed it really well. I'm surprised you didn't find an agent.

Shelved, of course.

Cheers,
Sheryl
IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES (would love your honest reactions now that I'm getting soooo close to the Editor's Desk. I want the novel to be the best it can be.)

Cellardoor wrote 930 days ago

Tim!

MIND THE GAP is such a compelling read, hook after hook after hook! Very visual, backed and staying on my WL so I can read more! This has so many points of interest for me and is excellently drawn.

Melanie.

S. Park wrote 931 days ago

Very, very interesting! I've read the first chapter, and I'm sure I'll be back to read more once I have a little more spare time.

Shadowtales wrote 950 days ago

There is little point in me picking holes in your work as I see - what others seem to have missed - that it is already published and available at http://www.thedariustransitions.com/ (a small plug for you). I hope it sells well, it deserves to. Backed.

Andrew W. wrote 950 days ago

Mind the Gap

Hi Tim, You certainly don't hang about, the pace is crackling. The action scenes worked well, but my humble opinion is that there is just too much happening in the first chapter, too many POV switches. Perhaps the best way around this is not actually to change a great deal, but to opt for the Dan Brown / James Patterson approach and just have very short chapters, there would probably need to be some editing, extending, shortening, but have short chapters for each POV change, it would help us keep track. Have no idea where this is going, but I am interested in the ride. You do cliffhangers well, that's great, personally I would have liked a little more characterisation as well, difficult to do with so much action happening, but not impossible, the fight scene in the Ministry of Magic in HP5 is a good example of how characterisation can still work inside an action sequence. Real potential here, I did enjoy the swashbuckling nature of it...ripplingly pace, backed for that alone and would be happy to come back and read some more - best wishes - Andrew W.

Ayrich wrote 960 days ago

What can I say. An unusual combination but it works. Darius is a strong character.

Bren Verrill wrote 985 days ago

Your pitch itself is quite a rollercoaster ride; I was exhausted just reading it. I thought, “If this novel delivers half of what it promises, it’s going to be a jolly good read”.

But does it? Well on the evidence of the first chapter, yes, definitely. Even my heart was pounding – never mind Darius’s – when the feline-eyed stranger with the knife smiled at him. And even more so when he chased him through that busy underground station. You write this sort of scene expertly: short, sharp sentences whose mood matches the tension and the action. And then, that telepathic conversation between the mysterious robed man and the controller: “We have found him”.

There are a lot of scene-switches here, but that’s exactly what I’d expect if your novel is to live up to its pitch. This is quite cinematic in its feel, and, as far as I can tell, the pace never slackens. Bookshelved for sure.

Bren Verrill
The Weird Problem of Good.

PATRICK BARRETT wrote 1006 days ago

Excellent, beautifully paced. On my shelfto read more. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Parallax wrote 1016 days ago

For details of how to buy the complete book of Mind the Gap for Kindle or as a print book, visit http://www.thedariustransitions.com/

Cheers,
The Author

canadian girl wrote 1038 days ago

What can I say except, WOW. Incredible suspence and great action. This should be made into a movie. Sorry it took me so long to get to it but I have to admit, I wasn't sure I'd like it. How wrong could I be? I am very happy to endorce you.
Monique (Getting Skinny)

zenup wrote 1051 days ago

OK, finished reading this time. Great fun! A few random thoughts: is that title good enough? do the dog soldiers seem a bit too Power Rangers? do the topical references need updating (eg September 2001 dates the MS)?
I like the Oz humour, too, all the best with this one.

Parallax wrote 1052 days ago

To all those interested in reading beyond the Authonomy excerpt of Mind the Gap - you can now buy the entire book online at:
https://www.createspace.com/3374157

Enjoy!
The Author

zenup wrote 1122 days ago

Very exciting so far (end Ch 2). No time now, will read more later. Great tension. I love the various threads. Your command of fantasy language/description is impressive. I'm watchlisting this.

Corinna Turner wrote 1162 days ago

Looks interesting, watchlisting...

tadhgfan wrote 1176 days ago

I liked what I read. Sorry it took me so long to get to.qick enough pace. I could imagine what you were describing. Very good!

Gina

Steve White wrote 1180 days ago

Hi Tim,

I read the first two chapters. You've got a main character who's naturally interesting, because he has a neat power. Who wouldn't want to try out teleportation for a while? Even if he suffers terribly in the novel (and I hope he does, for dramatic purposes), we readers envy him his special ability. Lots of great narrators, from Sherlock Holmes to Spider-Man, have powers we envy. It's a key of good writing, in my opinion.

His power immediately leads him to new places and characters, and away the story goes. The exposition in chapter two might go on a bit long, but otherwise, lovely work!

-- Steve

Keioskie wrote 1191 days ago

While your concept drips with potential - anyone ambitious enough to tie in parallel worlds, Egyptology
and the Tube gets a thumbs up in my book - you actually lost me on paragraph four where Darius had 'been half out of his mind with boredom all day. Might as well see what fate has dished up'. It doesn't ring true to me and seems like a bit of a cop out - I don't think a character is real if they do things simply out of boredom, yet mention fate at the same time. If the driving force of the character is boredom, fair enough, but it needs
to be exaggerated more, highlighted and developed, otherwise the character doesn't feel right.
Also, you seem to suffer from the same thing I do - a proliferation of the word 'it' when clarity of what 'it' is needs to be established in places. Such as, "Beyond it he could see its counterpart in the next carriage, endlessly oscillating as the train moved on. It was blocked by something grey, maybe clothing. Then it suddenly swung away..." The first and second 'it' is a window, yet the last 'it' is grey clothing. You have to
kill those its...
As the scene in the first chapter intensifies, your action takes over. That's cool, it's an action-packed chapter and should move along at a speedy pace, which you've done. But Darius needs to be interpreting for the reader the motivations of himself and the stranger. Obviously Darius' motives are purely self protection, but he should be wondering why the stranger is after him (at the very least reiterating that he had confronted the stranger at the carriage window). Darius should be wondering why the guy wants to knife him, why he's chasing him. Your action is solid - just back it up with some characterisation and you're onto something.
Great title, too.

Hannah wrote 1193 days ago

Hi Tim
I've only read ch 1, but love the way you immediately get the feel this is London! Great opening line. Straight into the story. Interesting central character. Interesting story! I will come back for more.
Hannah

Jon McCarty wrote 1196 days ago

Okay, I definitely like this one. In the beginning, I wondered how the initial description I read was going to tie into the story. It reads like a Robert Ludlum-sort of story; lots of fast-paced action and a compelling plot. Then you just start getting enough peculiar details to make you want to keep reading, but not enough to actually let you know what's going on. This is my favorite sort of fiction, where it's based in the world as we know it before some unknown, bizarre element throws everything for a loop. Kinda like mine, in that respect, so maybe that's another reason to like it. Oh, and I love the "mostly harmless" quote. That was awesome. I'm definitely bookshelving this one and reading it.
--Jonathan

Ursula wrote 1197 days ago

I've had this on my watchlist for a while as I'm have a bit of a thing for Eygytology and the like and I've finally found the time to read it - and it's great. It's fast moving but not so fast that as a reader you get lost had have to re-read parts and there are enough seperate strands to make you want to keep going to find out what happens next.

There was only one thing that made me stop and think - and it's in no way a criticism - but the first time you mention Aunbis (with Madeline and the dog) I just wondered how many people would know who you were talking about. I think loads would recognise him but maybe not all would know name - just wondering if it might be worth saying something like 'Anubis the Jackel headed god', but honestly I think I might just be splitting hairs over that.

I do like it enough to bookshelve it.

JAK wrote 1199 days ago

Hi Tim,
I'd seen your great titles around a few bookshelves so i decided to have a look. I'm so glad I did. The pitch drew me in immediately and I've just read three chapters with huge pleasure. I was intigrued to see what you'd do with the parallel world idea because it seems to be much less common in books for adults than for young children (Alice started it all, I suppose). What I think you've conveyed so brilliantly is Darius's sense of bewilderment , his disbelief that this could be happening and , so far, his partial comprehension and acceptance. The details of his physical reactions to each movement really add to the sense of reality- he's an entirely convincing character, reacting very believably to extraordinary circumstances- beautifully done.
I also like your writing style particularly when you have got over the horrors of writing the first page and really begin to find your rhythm . There are some great pauses in the action where your wit shines through. I've particularly enjoyed 'Small loopholes can also be exploited' and 'Wash your mouth out. . . . Several people have commented on your slightly lavish use of descriptive language- it doesn't worry me at all. In this genre it seems to me that the reader needs all the help on offer. The only time I thought the pace was compromised was the 'relatively thick crowds' right near the beginning as this seemed to be an unnecessary description of the crows. most of your readers when this is published ( and yes I think it ought to be) won't know the relativel density of passengers on the London Underground system so i suggest you just call it a crowd! This is a great start to my second SF night of reading. Thanks for posting this mss, it's a great read. I'm bookshlelving. jak

Parallax wrote 1207 days ago

Thanks kidsbright, I appreciate those points. Will take them into account next time I revise the first chapter.

RobertB wrote 1208 days ago

I think you jump about rather too much, for me anyway. At times, it's hard to know exactly what's going on. But the tension is excellent. Keep bashing away at it!

Marit wrote 1209 days ago

Hi Tim,
What a read! I'm coming back to read more - and you're on my bookshelf. Fast pace, great action - and using the different settings worked well, too (and I've only read chapter 1 so far). It's a rare talent to be able to tell a story, without much dialogue. You've got it! I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter this evening. This place is changing my reading habits.
Good luck with this!

Marit

Parallax wrote 1210 days ago

Thanks to all for the latest comments, they're much appreciated.

M - I take your point about adverbs etc, will have a look at the text again. Re dived/dove, I think that's just another of those little differences between British English and American English.

Stephen Reads wrote 1210 days ago

? tuo gnimoc eb lliw siht nehw wonk i od woH. hguoht ot peelsa llaf ot koob a si siht kniht t'nod I. em sah tI

M. Cid D'Angelo wrote 1210 days ago

Comment on the opening: too much telling. I think you explain way too much, and some of your syntax needs to be revised. Indirect writing like "...there was an awkwardness in the air..." doesn't work. Awkwardness is a bad adjective to use here. It's ambiguous. You need to write more directly.

"... He jumped at the unexpected encounter ..." too much. How about "He jumped" ?

"... he dived to the floor unthinkingly ..." adverbs are nasty. Lose them if you can. Write: "he dived to the floor." If you want to get all literary on us, you could play with something like, "he dived to the floor in a crazed unthinking blur." And, actually, isn't it "dove"? Like, "he dove to the floor?" Hmmm ... where's my dictionary?

When writing action, stay away from excessive adjectives and adverbs. You want pace, my friend. The big deal I see here is your attempt to over-explain all action. A first reader will turn this down at an agency or a publishing house until you lose the telling.

I hope this helps you. ;)

hallyally wrote 1211 days ago

Tim - Having read the first chapter (and even though this isn't the type of thing I usually read) I found it gripping and loved the pace and style. We are thrown in at the deep end, which I loved, and I'm looking forward to reading more!
Unlike a lot of people, I just LOVE the London Underground and for this reason your title and the setting of the first chapter really appealed to me.
Thanks for commenting on my 'Dancing' book.
Maybe you could spare a few minutes to read some of my travel book, 'Alarums & Excursions etc' which I think you might like!
Good luck with this - it deserves to do well and I can see that given the chance it will!
Alison

4dprefect wrote 1211 days ago

Tim many thanks for getting around to Evil. Had some great comments to wake up to this morning, yours included. I am so leaning towards that different beginning so I'm happy you've helped confirm that in my mind. (Always get a bit nervous when changing stuff, but have to bite the bullet :) ) Cheers and best of luck with Mind The Gap!

Mockingbird wrote 1211 days ago

Well, in your pitch, second sentence, fifth word in, you uttered the magic incantation that is guaranteed to get my juices flowing, and raise my anticipation antennae!! Egyptology....... at one time I was going to be bigger than Flinders Petrie and dig great big holes all over Egypt....... hehehehe. So I dived in. Hmmmmmm luvverly in here. Allow me to do a little shuffling around in my bookshelf and watchlist.....

Parallax wrote 1211 days ago

Thanks DAM. By cupboard I meant what you'd perhaps call a closet or storeroom? An enclosed space a janitor wouild store things. Next time I do a rewrite I'll see if I can find a more universal term. Thanks for your feedback - please add me to your bookshelf if you think it worthy!

D.A.M. wrote 1211 days ago

Hey, Tim. No time tonight to read more, but added you to the WATCHLIST. Since you asked for feedback, a couple things. 1) EXCELLENT pace...clipped along with barely a stray word. I was drawn in from....well...to be honest it took me about three paragraphs. But then again, I'm easy.
2) As a non-Brit (do I have to admit I'm from the states? Don't worry - we hate him as much as the rest of the world) I got confused by the language. I know a CARRIAGE and the TUBE. I even got the MOBILE (we call them 'cell') but what the heck's a CUPBOARD? Over here, it's that thing in the kitchen. Is it possible to use a different word so we get a more universal vision?
3) The jump from Darius vacating the 'cupboard' (what IS that?) to the flower is not clear. It stumped me and I had to read it twice.

I think this is a great read. I'll be back to finish it.....

Julie Elizabeth Powell wrote 1214 days ago

Hi, Tim

Have put Mind The Gap on my watchlist even though I've only had time to look at the first chapter - great stuff! I love fantasy, hence why most of my books are of that genre. 'Gone' too is a fantasy, which was inspired by truth.

Julie

IrieKarma wrote 1214 days ago

You sucked me in on the first chapter. Love this genre. Really rather like this book. :) Popped you on my bookshelf, good luck :)
Susie

Bruna Iotti wrote 1214 days ago

Dear Tim, I like action and fantasy. I will be putting your book on my watchlist. If you like action from children in the Amazon, then have a look at my book Elements of Nature. Thank you. Bruna

Bruna Iotti wrote 1214 days ago

Dear Tim, I like action and fantasy. I will be putting your book on my watchlist. If you like action from children in the Amazon, then have a look at my book Elements of Nature. Thank you. Bruna

Parallax wrote 1214 days ago

Thanks Bob, that's really useful feedback - I had been wondering whether I had that bit with the rails quite right. Will amend the text when I get a chance.

Bob Pickup wrote 1215 days ago

Well I finally got around to the first chapter. Great pace. Kept me captivated. Only 2 things I spotted ... but then I would as I drive Tubes for a living LOL. The centre rail is the negative return rail. It's the ouside current rail the furthest from the platform that carries all the juice. ... our rails use A.C. current, so somebody would have to bridge the gap between the 2 rails to be electrocuted. Sorry if this seems picky. Not meant to be. Looking forward to reading more:). Also station officer should read station supervisor. Other than that I really like this one.... on my shelf it goes.


Bob

Ellen-Jane wrote 1217 days ago

Hi Tim - I've finished reading and want to congratulate you on a piece well done.
Your description of places is not excessive and sufficient information is given to allow the readers to use their own imagination. Characters are well rounded with bits of their history given out throughout the story. I am left wondering what will happen next so please do complete it. It is worthy of publishing and I hope to see it in the book shops.

I spotted just a few minor errors within the chapters on words which mean something else. Your spell checker hasn't picked them up because they are correct words. (sorry I was too involved with the story to make a note of which chapter they appeared in). I also noticed that there is a slip of viewpoint within the same section of text in chapter 12 between Settar and Tarik. These are minor things and didn't actually spoil the reading. So keep writing and well done again. - Ellen

Patty wrote 1217 days ago

Tim,

This is a much better start. I'm glad that the reflection scene is gone, even though I didn't comment on it. I would still like to know where Darius was going and why, because I don't get a picture of his character at all (and the character-y stuff doesn't really belong in the chase scenes anyway). So a little throwaway comment on what he was doing on the train would go a long way. Coming back from a boring office job? Coming back from a job interview? Riding the train without a ticket because he has neither job nor money?

Bob Pickup wrote 1218 days ago

Thx for adding me matey. :) Nice looking concept you have here. Deffo on my watchlist to read..... don't have a lot of time unfortunately as i work away from home and don't get much access to internet, but will do my best. Title of book is ironic really considering that not only do I work on the underground, but also that i drive trains on the Northern line. So I get to hear that damn phase several times a day. Lol. All the best matey.... will get bk to you as soon as i can. Bob

Schnappi wrote 1218 days ago

Inspired title and good (frantic!) pacing. I like the scene changes, they break it up nicely, but I've got to read on a bit to see whether it gets confusing (just finished chapter one) ;)

However, don't use reflection to describe your protagonist. For one, it's over-used. Secondly, your readers don't need to know what the protagonist actually looks like unless it is directly important to the plot. Personally, even when I'm reading these kinds of descriptions--rather than skimming over them--the image doesn't really stick in my mind.

This could benefit from some editing, but it's a gripping read :)

Parallax wrote 1218 days ago

Thanks Dora, glad you're enjoying it. While writing it I was very much influenced by the way film and TV tells science fiction stories - I think that's reflected in the frequent scene changes. Hopefully it adds pace rather than confusion for the reader.

Dora McAlpin wrote 1218 days ago

Nicely done. You grab the reader early on and don't let go. I love the juxtaposition of Darius's world with the not-quite-real reality into which he's been thrust.

Interesting character mix. Darius is immediately likable as the confused protagonist finding out the world isn't as he believed. Hamila's a strong character, too. The seer, with his love of songs, is an interesting guy.

I enjoy your descriptive passages as well as the action-packed scenes.

I'm only a few chapters in--work calls--but I am seriously hooked and putting this one on my watchlist.

The storyline is not quite like anything I've read before, which is saying a great deal. Can't wait to find out more about the ways the worlds are interwoven.

hallyally wrote 1219 days ago

Hi Tim
Thanks for putting my latest effort (the a-Dancing one) on watch, but unfortunately I updated it and lost you...
Anyway....I'll put you on watch and take a look later. Thanks again. Alison

Parallax wrote 1219 days ago

Yeah that's true Scott - I certainly wouldn't say that all movie trailers are any good, some are downright cheesy. Still, the aim of keeping the blurb short and snappy is a good one.

Mallory wrote 1219 days ago

Hello, Hey, Tim Parallax, this is Scott Parallax :). Thanks for taking so much time for me about the pitch. I appreciate it. My excerpt pitch is a try to intrigue, without going the moive-trailer route. I do believe that movie teasers are an art form of making something bad seem good. There are lessons there. There's one rule I know to be true, when you don't know what to write, write it simple.

Halfhorseau wrote 1220 days ago

What a great story. Action from the start and it kept up a good pace all the way through to the end of Chapter six, which came all too soon. I found the jumping about between stations and worlds a bit confusing at first, but realising that that was what the story was about, I trusted that it was going to become clear as the story unfolded and I wasn't disappointed. Very well written and full of interesting ideas. I am enjoying it a lot and look forward to more. Consider this an addition to the 'by popular request' list.

Jed Woods wrote 1220 days ago

Tim, I have read this and think it's just fantastic. I liked everything from the pitch, to the fast pace of the first chapter, to the concept of the worlds being linked through major events.

I only had one thing that stood in my mind from what I have read so far, and that is the explanation of the link between the worlds given to Darius by Hamila. I can't explain why, but somehow it just felt too... convenient? Not the right word, but what I am getting at is that it felt a bit contrived, like in a TV drama when they try and tie all the lose ends together in the last 10 minutes. Please don't get me wrong, I understand that it needs to be done, and everything else is so well put together, I am sure it was done specifically that way.

You also seem very spacially aware. I don't feel as though there is any risk the tale will get lost, and have confidence as a reader that it is worth reading on. One of my favourite books is Eon by Greg Bear, and based on your work, I think you would like this and the sequel, Eternity. They also explore paralle worlds, and egyptology plays a key part.

I will be moving you onto my last place on the shelf after my recent round of reading, as this deserves to get the attention of a wider audience. One of the best I have read on here.... so far!

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