The Jenny Project (Deadtree book 1)

Refreshingly new creature, I am intrigued to know more about Jenny. I love how you write so bold and truly speak what's on the mind. I can't wait to finish it.

Totally back this book

Rose Gore

Brilliant work....... An absolutely profound and most original synopsis accompanied by great writing. Christopher you should be extremely proud of your work. I've not read past the first chapter, however I will return to with further comments once I do.
Backed with pleasure
Helen
The Last Dream

Thanks :D.
I'm very glad you have enjoyed it enough to back it. I'm just so glad that I've finally finished it. Feels good.

Brilliant work....... An absolutely profound and most original synopsis accompanied by great writing. Christopher you should be extremely proud of your work. I've not read past the first chapter, however I will return to with further comments once I do.
Backed with pleasure
Helen
The Last Dream

Intriguing and perfectly paced. Super.
Backed with pleasure! Good Luck!!
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of Sicilian Shadows) for a further possible backing of your book
Could you also have a read (if you haven't done so) of 'Moonbeam Highway' by Tim Chambers, a wonderful book that at present sits on the Ed's desk.

This story is full of intrigue and mystery, just thrilling! Great job! BACKED -Elizabeth Wolfe (Memories of Glory)

Hi Chris
Wow what a great start! Your mixture of prose and dialogue really sets the story up well. You have a great idea and have executed it brilliantly. There is lots of tension and suspense and this has all the makings of a great thriller.
DP Walker
Five Dares

This has a very strong beginning and I was hooked from the first word. Backed, with pleasure.

Carol

The first chapter was quite interesting. I got a little confused with the Crapes versus Craspe thing. Was that an intentional play on the name or was that a typo? I seem to recall you using both for Anna and Dana. The flashbacks were a little confusing for me in spots too, but I think if I re-read, I may make more sense of it. It seems like Dana has gotten herself into a mess that she thought she was out of and I wonder what more is to come.

This seems fast-paced and full of action. I will shelve it for further reading.

Jessica

This is a great and well written piece. You instantly draw attention to Caleb's character through his isolation and mood. The bag snatch moves along the first chapter well and has a fast pace. I did notice a few mistakes I think. One being 'whit' - is that a word (not something I've come across before). And also 'She' needs a capital in the sentance "Oh! I'm, umm, Caleb." she was intoxicating...'

The remainder of the first chapter carries on in much the same standard and is gripping for the readers of this genre. Very well done for creating such an imaginative story.

BACKED
Aimee

This is a great and well written piece. You instantly draw attention to Caleb's character through his isolation and mood. The bag snatch moves along the first chapter well and has a fast pace. I did notice a few mistakes I think. One being 'whit' - is that a word (ot something I've come across before). And also 'She' needs a capital in the sentance "Oh! I'm, umm, Caleb." she was intoxicating...'

The remainder of the first chapter carries on in much the same standard and is gripping for the readers of this genre. Very well done for creating such an imaginative story.

BACKED
Aimee

This is a great mix of the genre. I get a sense of a very well thought out plot intelligently written. You have developed a very engaging character Dana. A very grounded and enjoyable read – Good luck.

hullo Chris. What a mess the crime fighting world would be in if they had to deal with shape-shifting monsters. Exciting stuff
Already shelved and backed.
Please take a look at my book if you have not and thanks for that.
Linda Lou Long
Southern dis-Comfort
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=11421

I don't like fantasy, sci-fi, nor vampires and other flesh eating monsters, but I was totally enthralled by the first chapter.
Karien (A Bird in a Pram)

Hi Chris, That opening chapter is really a zinger! It hooked me and I like it and I BACK the Manuscript. Harold Alvin(ICON)Wesley

Hi Chris, A very promising and intriguing first chapter. Well done.

I wondered if your pitch might change the plural forms 'them' and 'they' to 'her' and 'She approaches you'. You reveal her gender soon enough anyway. just an idea.

You see someone on the street. You can't take your eyes off them. They approach you. You find yourself lost in what becomes a whirlwind of pleasure as this perfect being, your perfect mate, takes your hand. Without warning, the angel suddenly shifts and changes. A monster now stands in your soul mate's place and it devours you so that you become one with it. Now you are part of the monster, part of Jenny.

Backed for an enjoyable read.

Best wishes, Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

i liked the tone of it, the opening is nice and breezy. I would have liked maybe to have a name flor the band he was listening to. The t-shirt on the girl was a nice touch but maybe would have had more impact if I'd made the connection myself (which I would if you had used a name).

You tend to use:
"Hello," She said.
when it should be:
"Hello," she said.

I was a little confused by her realtionship with Hagan. when he comes to her door she recognises him, but in the interrogation room he asks her to confirm her identity. I didn't follow what was going on there.

It reads well, the plot seems to be moving forward and the premise is interesting. Backed.

The opening is strong and the character of Dana comes quickly to life--something of a stock character, but likeable and assertive, easy for the reader to relate to. Shelved.

Bill

Christopher, great idea ,presented in a stylish way, all success, backed John Warren, Lasting Images, please review, jdub

Just FYI for you guys, I'm uploading chapter 7 - Finish as I write it, so, fun fun.

I have kept this title on my wish list for some time, hoping to get a bit of peace and quiet and read a good chunk of yout book. As it happens I got to read the exciting opening chapters, following your marvellous pitch. Backed with
very best wishes, M

- Weekend Chimney Sweep
- Sarajevo Walls of Fate

Wow, what an opening! The only thing I question is the 'talked for hours' part. I would think a hungry, uh, creature would have dispensed with that. But I understand that you are building the dream come true part. Excellently done. Thanks for the read and good luck!

Jenny doesn't sound scary, but . . . Poor Caleb but it happens, though, if you hang out with women like Jenny and Lisa. "You mean it's something unnatural?" Oh my. Flesh-eating monsters, wow. Dana is one tough lady. You've got a frightening but intriguing story developed here. I'll read more when I can. Backed for now.

This is a very well plotted thriller with elements of the supernatural. It is gripping from the start and the prose is very fluid and accessible. Dana is a great and fully realised character and I read three chapters and couldn;t find a thing to nitpick. Even if I'm mistaken then I didn;t notice, so that a testament to your storytelling skills.
Very well done
Carl
The Time hunters

OOps, thought it said Anna Craps! Duh!
I enjoyed what I read. Only crit would be the POV change in your long pitch is a little confusing.
Cerbius for Jim Darcy
The Firelord's Crown

Christopher - I won't repeat all of the well deserved praise this book has received. However, I'll note one problem that I saw when I began to read it. Read the beginning out loud. Do you see how choppy it feels? Your sentences are all short. Effective prose varies sentence structure and length. Begin with a short sentence, and maybe a second. Then use a long, smooth sentence. Then throw in a sentence with an inverted construction. Et cetera. Use a VARIETY of lengths and constructions.

Now keep reading. Do you see how most of your sentences begin with either HE or HIS? He did this. He did that. His whatever did something else. You need to vary this pattern. The grass rustled in the breeze. A faint scent of jasmine drifted in the wind. Et cetera.

Your plot and characters are great, but you desperately need variety in your sentences.

Sandy Samson

A fascinating story. Well told, cleverly plotted and very original. Looking forward to reading some more of this one, best of luck. Backed.

Jack Hughes
"Dawn of Shadows"

I assimilate with Caleb...except for the punk music.

Backed.

Ron Repp
Wooden Warriors

This is a great twist on the vampire theme. I love Dana's character- rough on the outside, but probably a mush on the inside.

Happily backed
Denise

Horror at its most horrific. Most monsters are the stuff of dreams and legends, your monsters are man made and that is the added kick.
Jenny is a brilliant creation, the progression from mouse through dog to girl and Jenny was chilling, logical and completely rivetting.
This is vampires with a twist and that is very welcome.

Good action. I like your choice of characters. Well done

Rosalind
Good For Him

What at brilliantly engaging story – wasn’t ready for the dozen razor-sharp teeth. You have a great ability in creating credible characters and giving them believable dialogue. I have found this it be an awesome read and hope it does very well for you – Good luck.

Hi Christopher
Just a few points and hope they are of use to you. You write “He passed by a few of the strangers” Why did you write “a few”, surely “he passed by the other walkers without a glance” sounds better. Then you write “He just kept to his own (he kept to his own what) and hoped nobody noticed him.” Why not try “he walked with his head down hoping nobody noticed him”
In para two you have used the word “some”, twice in the same sentence. Para two again, you write “he choked down a bit (why a bit) of the angst and depression” Try “he held back the angst and depression he felt.” Your story line is good it just needs a bit of polishing.
Writing dos and don'ts
Common Mechanical Pitfalls
by Dr. Vicki Hinze

When asked, a group of editors from top publishing houses, responded that the following are the most often seen mechanical errors in works submitted by authors.

By removing these errors from our works, we greatly enhance our potential for publication—and strengthen our writing skills.


* Author Intrusion, Filtering, Passive Voice.

Use the active voice in writing. Avoid weak verbs: "to be" and its variants: was, are, is. This puts the reader on-scene, makes what’s happening, happen now. Author intrusion reminds the reader she’s reading, hence you lose immediacy, empathy between reader/character.

Show, don’t tell applies. Watchwords: thought, wondered, considered, realized, and the like.

Example:
Filtered: She realized she’d breached the point of no return.
She had to kill him.

Unfiltered, no intrusion: The point of no return. She had to kill him.

* Autonomous Body Parts.

Parts of a character’s body cannot act alone. The character must lift her hands, dart her gaze, tiptoe. Otherwise, the visual images created in the reader’s mind are horror. Disconnected body parts shouldn’t move without the character’s body being attached.

Example: Her eyes roamed around the room.

Corrected: She let her gaze roam around the room.

(Eyes shouldn’t roam. Use gaze. Note that she caused this roaming. In this corrected version, her eyes didn’t act autonomously or independent of her.)

* Cause before Effect, Reaction before Action, Syntax Error.

Whatever the reader reads first on the page, happens first in the readers mind. This error occurs when the reaction to something, say fear, is written down before the action causing the fear, say a hissing snake. Or when the effect is shown before the cause prompting that effect.

Watchwords are: when, as, before, during, while, until, after, and since.

To correct this error, simply flip-flop the phrases to be sure you list cause then effect, action then reaction.


* Use of names in dialogue.

When conversing, people don’t often use names. To be clear about who’s speaking, give the character a distinct voice, an outstanding feature, and use action tags. Have character do something with an object and use it to make it clear to the reader who’s talking. This writer’s tool does double duty: tags the speaker and creates an illusion of action. Body language is an extremely effective method.

Avoid: Figure, Frame, and Presence.

This editorial Pet Peeve doesn’t show up as often now as it once did.

Don’t write: He leaned his massive frame against the door.

Do write: He leaned against the door.

A point: When is the last time you saw a hunk and thought: Wow, what a nice frame?

* Separate Actions.

Keep actions separate, otherwise you risk having the character do the physically impossible. "And" can be a wicked abuser of this mechanical infraction.

Example: She called 911 and drove to the hospital.

Can she really do these two things simultaneously? Without a cell phone? More likely, she called 911 and then drove to the hospital. The actions were separate. One followed the other. They didn’t occur simultaneously.


* Keep Items in a Series Parallel.

Make sure your subjects/verbs/syntax are in agreement.


Do: Walk and chew gum.

Don’t: walk and be chewing gum.


* Ellipsis (Series of dots)

Use the ellipsis sparingly. Otherwise, when you need it, it lacks impact. Punctuate it like . . . this. Or at the end of a sentence, like this. . . .

* Unheroic Character Behavior.

Protagonists aren’t like us, they’re people we want to be like: admirable, honorable, considerate, strong, and aspiring—in their thoughts, actions, and deeds. They’re not perfect, but they are admirable. Respect your characters—even your villains. Give everyone a redeeming quality, and make them strong. Anchoring Scenes.

Show the readers where the scene is taking place, where the characters are and what they’re doing. Specific, concrete details immerse the reader. Without them, reader can’t visualize. Use the senses, and use details that are indicative of the characters’ mood at the moment. Write cinematically: using words that form distinct and vivid pictures in the reader’s mind that convey his/her emotional mood at that time. Intensity.

When in intense situations, characters don’t think deeply. They think in short spurts. In fragments. Readers read faster, which imparts a sense of urgency, hence intensity. Point of View.

Today’s trend is third person, multiple viewpoint. That is, a single viewpoint which at specific intervals transitions to a different character. Some experts recommend one viewpoint per scene to avoid losing intensity.

Hint: use the character with the most to lose as your viewpoint character.

Eliminating these mechanical pitfalls from your work greatly enhances your writing skills and gives the editor fewer distractions during the reading. That translates to fewer reasons to reject your work.

I hope you are not offended by what I have said, regards Pride

An easy, yet engrossing read. Great work! Backed

N. Moore
Vicar of Wrynbury

Hi Christopher, The lead-in to the vampire women was brisk and intriguing. I was surprised how the police picked up Dana and that made her interesting from the start. It shows how little trust the police have after being assigned the vampire women. A horrific start! Shelved – Katherine

A finely crafted sci fi thriller in the vampire genre which is well paced and well written. Your use of imagery is excellent and your character development is solid. Backed with pleasure.

Cheers,
Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Exciting read. I've had two thoughts since starting: 1. Demeanor is a good word. In general, I like it. Using it twice in two paragraphs (when Caleb is hitting the purse-snatcher) is once too often. It just stands out to me.

2. You start some short scenes (separated by ****) and I lose track of who's doing what. They're too short and abstract to fit easily into the flow for me.

Beyond that, good job. I didn't get far (I never do these days...) but I wish you luck!

Shakat
Stand

I think what i like best about this is the simplicity of the read. and I don't mean that as a knock on the writing. This just flows so well, that before you know it you're well into the book, and caught up in the story.

Lockjaw

Very well done. Love sci fi with a thriller twist. Or is it the other way around. Anyway, I read and backed this a couple of days ago but didn't really take the time to leave a comment. I see that it's just the first book in a series. How many books do you plan to write in the series and will you be posting them here as well? I've done something similiar with my sci fi work and am always interested in how other authors break down their work.

Best of Luck
Natalie

A gruesome rather squalid beginning but such is the nature of vampire driven stories. Clearly a popular genre, it isn't really for me.
However, your writing is confident and the pace is good. There is suspense a'plenty and sighs of an interesting imagination. I'm sure lovers of this genre will not be disappointed.
Backed because it's obvious you know how to tell a story.
Just a thought, too many expletives start to lose effect after awhile IMHO. Margaret.

Normally I enjoy a book more if they don't use "F" word all the time. It only detracts from the dialogue for me. Yes it adds emphasis. But after one or two uses, it gets old. The story line moves well without it. There are other ways to add strength of reactions. I am still going to back the book, because the plot holds my attention.

Nice writing Leaptrott...On my shelf.
Let's hope our gang can successfully trap
that evil supernatural JENNY. All the best
mikegilli The Free

Compelling suspense thriller told in a edgy voice. Well written. Backed.

I hope you will give mine a read and back it if you like it.
Best,
Robert
Golden Conspiracy

JENNY PROJECT
This is an interesting story. I like the way the first scene begins with such in such a common way – the stolen purse, the grateful woman – then ends with a vampire kiss. Really caught my attention. You have a good main character in Dana; she’s spunky and especially likable and sympathetic because Whittaker doesn’t want her on his team. Makes this a good read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

What a great government mystery book. I really enjoyed some of the descripitve writting. I am backing this book. Please take a look at my book as well, i think you would enjoy it. Thanks, Robert Sherwood

Ok, Christopher, I’m going to back your manuscript because you seem to be an intelligent young man, well-read and so forth. You have an interesting story which makes the reader want to keep reading, and that is a good sign, but to be honest, though, I would give some thought to polishing your manuscript before you get close to the editor’s desk, as it is does read rather rough. Your narrative elements are connected in a disjointed fashion which makes this read a little awkward at times. Remember to avoid letting your narrator come between the character and the reader, and where you the narrator takes over it needs to be very fluid and seamless. Connect ideas together so that there is a greater sense of fluid narration, and change up your sentence structures so that you have a more natural sounding story telling voice. Also you miss a lot of chances to ad richness and context to your character development. Did you attempt to work any of your personal philosophy (political or otherwise) into your story? Any symbolism? Or underlying message? If so you may want to ad those details to both your short and long pitch; as it is your pitch reads like an average thriller story. The people who skim the “Books” section only see your short pitch, and decide from wha they see whether or not to look a your book, so you want to make it as interesting as possible. If this is a philosophic writing you want to advertise that fact so it draws in the readers who may be interested in something a little denser. All and all this is an interesting story, but the voice and flow are bogged down, not so much with details, but by the structure, which (in my opinion) can get quite choppy. I think you could clean this up relatively easy though. I did not read enough yet to comment on plot structure but based on the pitch, and the fact that you are something of a philosopher, I will back you and wish you well. Work on your intuition for voice and flow and you will do well here. take care a goodluck with your manuscript.


blueboy

Shelving because this is very good indeed. The pitch is very good, great concept and the opening doesn't disappoint. The writing flows well and the story rattles along easily. The imagery id good and i can see this as a series or movie. It is obvious you ahve put a lot of thought into the structure of the story and where it is going. The characters are well defined and will you to go along with them. Backed with pleasure,

Love your writing, it's very fluid and holds the readers attention, always a sign of a good book.
Terrific premise and hightened tension throughout.
Great imagination and storytelling. Did find the following small nit for you.

suddenly he was thrust out of his of status quo. One too many of's there!!

Happily shelved
Melxx
Impeding Justice

The Jenny Project (Deadtree book 1)
Christopher Leaptrott

Very nice cover I must say. Can't figure out if it's a painting or a photograph - but it's certainly eye-catching. Nice plot you have here (small nit in long pitch, first para, "You see someone on the street. You can't take your eyes off them. They approach you." "Someone" does not agree with "them"/"they" - it should be "him" or "her" - but what do I know?) I love the terror element to your ideas here - very thought provoking, although I am not sure if this is calculated to be absurd for the sake of analysis, or if you intend a more surreal effect - especially where that monster now stands in your soul mate's place and it devours you so that you become one with it. Food for thought anyway. Very inventive. Happy to have backed this and best of luck with it.

The good bits that stood out to me about this was your excellent voice and intriguing personality of your main character. It's no non-sense writing, easily accessible to the reader. You seem to notice things in life many people don't because you have some details in your story that are the kind of thing most people don't think to put on paper. I love that, and that kind of talent sells well on the market these days. You need to look into your dialogue punctuation though, that will be one easy step toward polishing your writing.

Here is a link from my blog that should help.

http://rebecca-hamilton.com/?p=14

xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

Welcome aboard, Christopher. This website will improve your writing craft, if you allow it. You have to think of your pitches as your sales tool to grab the casual reader's eyes. The short pitch TELLS instead of SHOWS. With the long pitch, this has the same issue of TELLING. Also, break it down into smaller paragraphs so it reads faster. End it with one succinct question instead of several to pique interest. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key