Barry Beeswax and the Seven Suspects

This rocks. I'm really surprised no-one else has commented on this yet. Funny, good pace, well written, clever and likley to tap into the kind of market Terry Pratchet and Douglas Adams opened up (and that other bloke who writes about a detective jumping in and out of various literary books and meeting the characters along the way). Have you read the Thraxas series by Martin Scott? Written in a very similar vein. Thraxas is a big fat beer-swilling PI living in a world of fairies and ninjas and magicians. Based more on a roman template of the world than London 1947. Anyway - i like this. Good fun and how can you go wrong with trolls and dwarves in a book?!

A good read. Looking forward to reading more.

Shrek meets Raymond Chandler. What's not to like? A few typos and the odd place where the writing could be trimmed/honed a bit (in your opening para, for instance, you repeat 'some days' and that distracted temporarily) but it's all pretty minor stuff. Love the humour, love the streetwise take on all the fairy tale characters.

This is great fun... haven't heard the word 'dapper' in ages!! I wish you the very best of luck. kind regards pinkcoffee 'In The Moment'

ARISE, AUTHONOMY GHOST!

Ease those weary, withered limbs from your coffin. Push away the stone from the mouth of the tomb.

You have one last task to perform. One last, sacred shelf to confer.

Whether you were plugger, spammer, gusher or troll, whether you flirted or fought in the forum or beavered away in the shadows, now is the time for your resurrection.

One last time. Marshall your strength, muster the last vestiges of your power and carry out your final Authonomy act:

Back my book, MIRROR IN THE SKY.

Then, only then, you may rest easy in your Authonomy grave.

Nick Poole2 (formerly known as NickP)

I've only read a couple of chapters so far but I'm really enjoying this! I'm a big fan of Jasper Fforde but I see from your comments below that you didn't know about the Nursery Crimes series when you were working on this. There are definitely similarities in both the style and the story, but I think there would be room for both of you on the bookshelves of someone who enjoys this kind of thing. I see another reviewer has mentioned Douglas Adams and Terry Pratchett, who, like Fforde, share your clever, dryly comedic style. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that, while both you and Fforde have done clever things with it, there's no reason for anyone to have a monopoly on the idea of a crime series with fairytale/nursery rhyme characters, and even with all of Fforde's books on my shelf, I'd buy yours too!

Haha I loved this. I like cliched apples and the story has already hooked me. Great stuff.

Howard,

This is rather late in coming but I've only just got up to speed with Authonomy etiquette.... Thank you so much for your kind comments about The Natural Order of Things. Barry is on my watchlist and I'm hoping to read it today or tomorrow with comments to follow.

Tom

Hi David. Thanks for watchlisting. And yes, I too can see the Jasper Fforde similarities. I hadn't heard of Fforde until literally a week before a finished the first draft of Barry. I was not amused, let me tell you, and pretty much thought of ditching that last four months of my life because it had already been done. But I think there's enough of a difference between Fforde's idea and mine. Fforde's seems to be a more free-wheeling satire, whereas mine is a bit of pulp crime more grounded in reality. Except for the fact that Barry is a troll, of course.

Hey K. –

Ta for your kind comments about ‘Stephen of Thampton’. Those tiddlywinks terms are indeed accurate. I did have a line in about a ‘John Lennon Memorial Shot’ (which is a simultaneous boondock and squop, just in case you didn’t know!) but it was darling that I regretfully put to death a while ago. I’ve fudged the rules a smidge, but hopefully not so much as the English Tiddlywinks Association will issue a winkwa against me.

Anyhow, I’ve watchlisted your MS. I noticed it before, but overlooked as I’m a poor YA reader. However, on rereading the pitch I want to read further. (I’ll warn you know though, I’m already _weeks_ behind on my Authonomy reading.) I do love the concept (and the cover styling – I’m so superficial) of your MS. An initial thought however is that it does sound _very_ reminiscent of Jasper Fforde, but I could be well off the mark there.

david

Dear Howard,

Gratitude is important; it takes a lot of time to read books on here, on top of everything else life throws at us. I'm glad reading it wasn't a chore. And your suggestions will be incorporated in the edit.

You didn't by any chance back it as well, did you ?

R

Phew, Howard, don't really know how to respond to that in terms of gratitude. Makes my review of yours seem a little shabby, to be honest. I'll read it again net week, all of it.

Your constructive criticisms find a willing reader and adapter here. Naturally, I can't change everything, but it's great to read people's insights. The going off one the road trip is actually the highest common denominator, and I need to look at that.

Listen, thanks for being so honest, and for taking so much time. I really am very appreciative.

R

Dear Howard,

Hope you will have time to read some of BB and let me know what you think.

R

Dear K Howard, I'm back again. Have read your synopsis and first chapter. So have moved you from my watchlist to my bookshelf. Your writing flows nicely. A couple of literals in the opening lines you had better correct before the trolling editors notice! They don't faze me, but they are quick to point fingers. Go well with your writing. I hope you do well. regards. Pierre.

Just 2 let u no that i’ve, like, suruptitiously slipped u on2 Lucie’s watchlist. She don’t no i did it of course, b’cause she don’t no nothing (+ she's down the stairs cooking), u no wot i’m saying!?
Sined Leet.

Hi K,

yes checking for typos manually is a bastard, but it needs to be done. Hope you get round to BB when you have time, though you shouldn't feel obliged to.

Good luck with Barry.

R

This is really good, and it does rollick along. But it's littered with typos of the sort that a computer won't pick up. It needs a manual spellcheck. In the first para, for instance, there are 2 "too"s which should be "to", and 1 "to" that should be "too". Bearing in mind that it's zipping up the chart, these things need to be addressed. I know it's a pain in the arse.

The premise is good, exactly because of its time location. And the writing is well done. It's just the typos (and some overly-long paras) that let it down a bit. Please don't think I'm being pedantic.

I'm putting it on my rotating bookshelf.

R

You are very welcome K. Yes unfortunately they say publishers can tell within the first paragraph, even the first sentence whether they like something or not, so glad my pointers helped.
Good luck with this.
James

Howard,

thanks for the encouraging comments. You're right, Widowmaker does stray a bit from classic noir. In my latest novel, "Open Wound" (which has hit the desks of a dozen major publishers [nothing happening yet]) I stay strictly within noir boundries. My preference, but, hard to sell. At least according to my agent.

"Hardon" Yeah, in the sense applied, USA vernacular for hatred, wishing to do harm to.

A femme-fatale who's an ex-witch? All the hook I need. "B.B." is on my list.

Howard. This is an excellent read. I was put off by your first paragraph which has some word repetition - 'moment' and 'moments' in first 3 lines, 'soft' and 'softly' in first paragraph - but as I read on I was hooked. This is really well-written and funny. Straight onto my bookshelf.
Good luck with this.
James

Hi again Patty. Don't worry, the bit about the Prince's disappearance not being newsworthy is addressed (in Chapter 5 I think), as he frequently shoots off on so many jaunts around the world that no one cares if he disappears any more.
I must thank you again for giving Barry such a looking over, and any more comments or queries you can offer are greatly appreciated. Glad you liked Doris. She is perhaps my favourite character, and based on a nutty old science teacher I used to have.

Howard,

This is on my shelf. Your comment made me curious, so I read some more. I really like Doris. I think your characterisation is very good. I can feel for poor old Barry.

I am wondering, though - if Thomas is the crown prince, why isn't there a big search going for him? It seems like no one cares, and yeah, I'm afraid I don't quite believe that. Just a paragraph about how everyone's searching for him, but they're all a bunch of incompetent fools would take care of that. I know it's all a made-up world, but I still don't think no one would care about the whereabout of a crown prince.

Hi Howard, should also have mentioned in reply to your question, it is complete fiction.
Thanks,
James

Hi Howard, thanks for your comments on my novel 'A Man in Grey Shoes' - very kind and very much appreciated. An interesting point you make about Capote's novel, it actually helped me decide that it was OK to start with a first chapter describing the town, as long as it was done correctly. Though 'In Cold Blood" is a novel I never finished, I found it immensely disturbing, there's something extra sinister about knowing this was real life - it made me feel awful reading it so I gave up. Have added you to my watchlist.
Thanks again,
James

Hi Patty. Many thanks for the encouraging words. The reason I cut out at the end of chapter 3 is basically so I can have a funny reveal in chapter 4 where Barry walks into his office sopping wet. But great point about not knowing if Muffet was intending to kill Barry or not! He didn't intend to kill him, just merely frighten him into leaving town, but thinking about it I definately need to make that more clear. Thanks for pointing it out!

K

Howard,

Read a few more chapters. Still liking this. I was wondering, though, why you cut out at the end of chapter 3. Having him thrown in the water would make a nice chapter ending. The other thing I'm not sure about is if Muffet thought this would kill Barry. What was his aim?

I'll put this on my bookshelf for a bit.

Hi akambitsis. Yes, Barry is complete at just under 85,000 words. I'm planning to upload some more soon, but I just want to polish up a couple of things first. Hopefully I'll have another five chapters up in the next few days.

K

Howard,

LOL! I like the concept of this, and the way it begins. The only thing I have to suggest is that you could possibly trim a bit. I understand a style like this tends to be on the verbose side, but I'd watch where you get a little too verbose. In the beginning of the prologue, for example, there is s bit of word repetition, and further in, I think you might look at consecutive sentences that mean the same thing. I think the wordiness gets a little bit in the way of the story. Otherwise, this will stay on my watch list to come back to later. Excellent beginning.

Hi K. Howard Bell,

Since you commented on Royal Flush and also to make up for my brusqueness from before, I read through the Prologue and first two Chapters of Barry Beeswax and the Seven Suspects. I love your hodgepodge of reinvented fairy tales combined with an alternate-reality London. I agree with Thomas j Arnold--Douglas Adams is obviously an influence of yours. I can relate--he's my favourite author.

I recorded my thoughts and suggestions in a Microsoft Word document, and I'll type them below.

Prologue

I think you can omit either "village" or "community" in "small village community of Stumpleyshire". Also, you say the car is moving quickly twice in this sentence, and I think it only need be said once: "the car that sped through the scene at an enormous speed was both very noisy and moving very fast". I'm not comfortable with the pronoun "their" in "cloak pulled right over their head". Might it be rephrased to avoid it? Something like "cloak with the hood pulled tight"? The first "crates" can be eliminated in "crates and crates of fruit", or if you mean to say empty crates, I'd specify that.

I think this is a great line: "handsome but for the smirk on his face indicating that he knew it.

In "This, on reflection, the man thought to himself", I think either "on reflection" or "the man thought to himself" can be taken out. Same thing with "silent still, without saying a thing."

I thought "it was a cliche of an apple" was a cool description. I also think it's a cool twist to have the hooded figure turn out to be a dwarf, since I'm sure everyone was expecting it to be the wicked witch or stepmother or whatever from Snow White.

Chapter One

I really enjoyed this play on stereotypes: "the trilby and trench coat I wore even through heatwaves". This is another gem: "knew where you had been, where you were going, and what sort of drink you wanted in the interim. Come to think of it, I don't know if I even ordered the scotch out loud." I also like the idea of trolls running tollbooths--very fitting.

Why do you initially call Joe "Lucky"? It gave me the mistaken impression that Barry already knew him.

This is a great line: "thrusting his hand in entirely the wrong direction for a handshake". So is the motto on Barry's business card: "It's none of mine...but it can be."

I'd omit "quickly" from "as I quickly and inconspicuously darted my vision back", since it's already implied by "darted".

"'On whether or not it's a good time to be Barry Beeswax" is a golden quip. I love the candour that characterizes Barry's discussion with the thugs.

Chapter Two

I caught a couple typos in the first two paragraphs: "as thought I was walking" and "I was quite carefully about such things". This chapter has a lot--I'd suggest giving it a read-over.

"His arms were like, well, larger stick of salami." I don't think sticks of salami get too big. At any rate, "stick" should be plural. I do love the idea of Little Miss Muffet as a beefy man, though.

Finally, I wouldn't use the word "visibly" in "'Is it?' I said, still visibly disorientated", since Barry can't see himself.

This is a very funny read, K. Howard Bell, and Barry is extremely likeable. Great work. Good luck with it.

Hi K Howard, Kenneth? Keith? Kowolski? Have just put Barry Beeswax on my watchlist. Will have a look at it as soon as possible. Carry on writing. I write every day of my life. I believe very strongly in rewriting and am a sodding critic of my own work. So, have a ball with your work. See you around. Regards, Pierre.

Hi there
Thanks for the comments on my book. I'm happy you like it! I have seen your book around on these pages, so I'm looking forward to taking a look!
Hannah

Thanks all for your comments. The constructive criticism is very very helpful, not just for the invaluable opinion of other writers but for motivating me to get off me ass and get some more proof-reading done! Please, don't hold back, all comments are extremely welcome.

K

Like this a lot. It is funny and wry- a bit Artemis Fowl and a bit early Horowitz (Falconer's Malteser) I'm not sure about the Young Adult category - I never am, (it's a loathsome 'cupboard under the stairs' sort of hideaway where publishers shove the unconventional.) The thing is that you are gently parodying things which are probably unknown to the aforementioned YAs. I think you should reclassify as adult . I loved lots of this - the bar conversation in particular but there are , to my ear, just a couple of leaden phrases - 'quickly and inconspicuously darted my vision back' -nope! You can do better than that. You know you can. Hope you see t this as constructive - it's meant to be.

Cheers K. :) Hoping to stay afloat up there and get busy making myself presentable for the editors inspection :)

PHOTOGRAPHS OF THE ACTUAL PLACES THAT APPEAR IN 'DARK DEEDS & ALCHEMY' CAN BE VIEWED ON FLICKR.COM AT: http://www.flickr.com/search/?ss=2&ct=6&w=18272233%40N00&q=daniel+trance&m=text

Hi K - nice 'tache! Have added you to my watchlist and will be getting round to a proper read soon - but in the meantime love the idea and your premise. Speak soon. Ian

Thanks for the comments all, especially to dking97 for a critiquing the first few chapters. Comments like that really energize me to keep going with the editing process. Thanks a lot.

Funny that you mention titles Mackenzie, because (and I'm not just saying this - honestly) 'The Hitchcock Blonde' might be my favourite title on here. I read your first chapter some time ago and enjoyed it, but somehow I got lost in my watchlist. Now that I have remembered it I'll pop over and read some more soon.

And good to see my moustache is getting some attention. Thanks for the comment preceltic, hope you enjoy Barry. I read something in the forums about Bending the Boyne and it sounded like my sort of thing so I'll put it on my watchlist and have a read.
Cheers

K

To start off, your pitch is hilarious. Written with just enough reality sprinkled on the fantasy that I just couldn't help but smile while I read it. I liked the 200-word pitch better than the 25-word one - the humor is so well-placed in the longer one - but they are both really good.

Prologue: In the first couple sentences, you say 'there are moments where' right after having set up THE moment that fits. Just a small comment - easily fixed.. or ignored. I'm ok either way. The rest of the prologue is so well done. Once again, your ability to mix reality with fantasy is perfectly done. I'm thinking a live-action, English, dry humor version of the movie Shrek. I'm laughing already. I'd made the connection to Shrek even before I'd processed that the protagonist was a troll, too.

Chap 1: love the slogan. there's others, of course. you could have him rotate slogans regularly, but that might be a little too corny... the whole of the chapter is quite refreshing and a fun, fun read.

Can't stay any longer, but I will tell you that I'm sure my kids would LOVE this book and so would most adults. I'd buy it and read it several times, and I'd make sure my local libraries had copies as well.

As far as marketing though, you're really so close to the Shrek feel that I wonder if the pub houses will hesitate, or ask for slight changes in that regard. but then its those traits (fairy tales intertwined with new adventure) that make this so appealing, so maybe not.

Anyway, loved it!

Hi, I'd just like to thank you for your very kind comments on my book 'Dark Deeds & Alchemy'. As you probably noticed Barry Beeswax is on my bookshelf. Without trying to sound like a mutual appreciation society - I just loved it. I know other comments have mentioned Pratchett and Adams but to me it it had the harder, more tongue-in-cheek wit of Robert Rankin in his books like 'The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies Of The Apollpse' and 'The Toyminator. Great stuff.

Adrian

Greatly appreciated Kevin. From such a high talent spotter that is high praise indeed. Looking forward to hearing what you think of the rest.

K

Cheers for the comments Adrian and Amethyst. Glad you enjoyed Barry. It's the kind words that keep us going, and I'll aim to have a look at your works in the next few days to offer some of my own.

K

A good read. Looking forward to reading more.

Snappy concept. There's a bit of a traffic jam in the second chapter but if I had this in front of me in paper form I'd be willing to take it to a comfy spot and read it out.

Good job with the intriguing story-line.

Amethyst

Thanks for the kind words AJK. I know what you mean when you talk about reading through the eyes of a child. I get a lot of enjoyment out of reading that way. Young at heart, I suppose!

Hi K.Howard.
thank you so much for the wonderful comments for Hoppin. I guess you have to read these books through the eyes of a child to really enjoy them. I have had a couple of reviews wher you can just tell they hate this type of thing...
Anyway..verdict? GREAT!!!
I loved this.
I dont know if you came across The Third pig Detective Agency? It was on Youwriteon,probably is if you want to take a look (try childrens past top ten) . It was a hit!
This ,for me is better. I love the idea and you are not too heavy with the introducing of old characters. the other book had far too many and was quite offputting.
It is funny,well written and my kids would have enjoyed this. Loved the reference to 7 dwarfs et...perfect!
Anyway. I have moved one of my favourites from my shelf as you just have to go on it!

Hey AJK. Yes, I do like to keep myself looking good, although it is rather hard to groom seeing as it is wider than my head (I think it's a photo of King Umberto of Spain or something, I can't remember).
I'll be more than happy to have a look at Hoppin, and I'll leave my comments on your page.

And thanks to 4dprefect for the pointers. I changed the opening line to something a little less cumbersome. They say first impressions last the longest, I'd been bollocksing mine up this whole time!

Cheers
K

Hi howard .great moustache you have there.
if youll take a look at hoppin i will gladly return the favour. So hard to get readers! Hate shameless plugging but seems to be the only way forward. Have 5 on my watchlist so will try try by the weekend

Shrek meets Raymond Chandler. What's not to like? A few typos and the odd place where the writing could be trimmed/honed a bit (in your opening para, for instance, you repeat 'some days' and that distracted temporarily) but it's all pretty minor stuff. Love the humour, love the streetwise take on all the fairy tale characters.

Yes, I'm definately a fan of both Pratchet and Adams and I basically wrote this book in the vein, with a bit of Raymond Chandler in their for good measure. I've never read any of that Thraxas series you mentioned but I'll definately look into it now.
Cheers for the positive feedback Thomas, glad your enjoying it

K

This rocks. I'm really surprised no-one else has commented on this yet. Funny, good pace, well written, clever and likley to tap into the kind of market Terry Pratchet and Douglas Adams opened up (and that other bloke who writes about a detective jumping in and out of various literary books and meeting the characters along the way). Have you read the Thraxas series by Martin Scott? Written in a very similar vein. Thraxas is a big fat beer-swilling PI living in a world of fairies and ninjas and magicians. Based more on a roman template of the world than London 1947. Anyway - i like this. Good fun and how can you go wrong with trolls and dwarves in a book?!