The Queen Fish

Going through all my comments to see who I backed and doing the star thing. Good luck, again Four Better Four Worse

Going through all my comments to see who I backed and doing the star thing. Good luck, again Four Better Four Worse

A nice fun read, although I've always liked starfish. There's nothing not to like with this! Backed.

The Nomad

THE ISLAND EXPERIMENT

I want an adventure car. It can change to anything. I want it! I wish Bobo and his grandparents can save the fish before it's too late. Damn that evil Starfish! Backed for now.

This is the cutest story, love the vitamens being right there! The kids will love it, I am sure, hell I love it. Like the magic faraway tree, enid blyton. My best. FOUR BETTER FOUR WORSE

Ommara Farrukh - The Queen Fish is an unusual tale and quite charming, I agree with some of the comments below but once fixed, I am sure you will have no problems attracting backers. I am backing you right now! Best wishes Valerie (Freckles the Fawn)

Hi, nice entertaining story for the younger reader. It flows well but you dont need all the exclamation marks.

Very good and original tale. Maybe too young as it stands for YA

Backed with pleasure - Clair

This is a delightful children's story. I would recommend that you drop the young adult label though.

You have a style that is easy to read and tell a good tale.

Backed.

Steven Lloyd
THE AUDACITY OF HOPE AND CHANGE

Hi Ommara

A fresh idea nicely executed for young children. Perhaps use fewer exclamation marks and go through the prose excising cliches? Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

Ommarra, you have an intriguing idea here, one I'm sure will make children smile. The work does need some editing (especially quotation marks and commas) the odd phrase wasn't clear to me, for example: The moon had been granted special person to shine on it.

Good luck with this.

Dear Ommara,
What a sweet and charming story you've created! It's so nice to read about grandparents. I think they are somewhat overlooked in juvenile literature. Your book will make all ages smile!

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe (MEMORIES OF GLORY)

Hi Ommara, you have a very nice childrens book here.
An excellent premise with very good characters. The story flows along nicely and kids will love it.
You really do need to read through your book, the punctuation is a concern at the moment.
Speech quotes and commas are missing throughout.
I like your book and back it all the same. SHELVED.

Thanks for backing my book.

regards,


Neville (The Secrets Of The Forest - Series)

Intriguing premise. Wonderful theme. A swirling fantasy adventure. Richly imagined. Descriptive without being wordy. Adorable characters. Very accomplished writing. A magnetic read. Backed.

Dear Ommara Farrukh,

The Queen Fish – a lovely, charming tale in a pool of sharks. What I mean, dear Ommara, is that when I’ve had enough of the unpleasant topics from our Authonomy friends, when the stories become too dreadful, I open the children’s books for refreshment, and yours is a delight and tribute to wonderful loving grandparents. Take me along on that magical boat and pass the lemonade. As for all things in life, especially the dream of being published, NEVER GIVE UP, a good lesson for all.

Best and backed.

GK Stritch
CBGB Was My High School

Ommara, it's raining fish! Well, these things happen... and you've conjured a thrilling, highly-imaginitive story for youngsters. Railor, a starfish out to dominate the seven seas...and a young Bobo [Bond, of course...] out to stop him, aided by Nana and Nano in their adventure car.

Only a couple of things...ha. "The moon had been granted special person to shine on it"... Not sure what you mean there - and I am a Moon person. Also, "Nana" is usually a female grandparent, so I'm wondering if Nana and Nano should not be the other way around!!

Nitpicks aside, you have a terrific tale well-told. Backed in the name of the Queen...

From Kay
(Waystation to Prosperity Street)

Ommara -

The Queen Fish - An enchanting tale. Railor, the monstrous Starfish bacame angry because the Queen fish made it rain on his holiday - talking of despots. I wondered shortly what became of all the other fish saved in buckets of water, apart from Lota who was guiding Nano, Nana and Bobo to the underwater dwelling of Railor to free the Queen fish. Fantastic, a car that transforms into a boat and a submarine. And I love Nano's magic handbag. The clear and evocative writing will appeal to the young.

Backed, Pia (Course of Mirrors)

You have a very immaginitive premise here and have smooth flowing, easily read writing to back it up. This should be a great read and I have gladly backed it

Have a great day!

- Scott

It's fun, and that's what kids are about.

Suz

I can think of no adverse comments for this wonderful work. The preimise is actually based on physical truth because fish have actually fallen from the sky due to unusual weather conditions. The "adventure car" starts readers into a world of adventure. Well done. Backed with Pleasure. Chuck

I liked the grandparents and the boy has potential, but your biggest issue right now (and this could be what you did to get enough words) is redundancy. Especially with the car and the fish story. Also, I would begin the story sooner. There's no need to hint at other stories or to tell about their motto because they say it as they get ready to go on their next adventure. Also, your first two chapters feel like you are writing to two different audiences. The second one is longer, more descriptive, and feels like it's for an older group.
Right now, I still don't get how fish are coming from the sky when the queen controls weather, not teleportation.

HI OMMARA ' THE QUEEN FISH '

So original and beautifully written, love Bobo the youg lad and the characters and the qeeen fish of course;
your book grabs attention from the off, great childrens stuff and will be a best seller i have no doubt
creative to say the least
BACKEDwith pleasure
TOM BYE ' FROM HUGS TO KISSES'
please read mine and back and comment if y;ou wish thanks

I can see a great imagination at work here. A lovely book indeed. I am happy to back it. Eunice.

A great children's story with lots of magic and adventure. You have a wonderful imagination and this is a wonderful story, I know children will love it. Well done and best of luck.
Rachael
(Dreamscape)

I like this book for children. It is aimed at the right market and has potential to make it into print. I wish you luck on the site and in the wider publishing market.

08 September 2010
The Queen Fish is a wonderfully vibrant fantasy tale eminently suitable for it target audience. It is not patronising nor aloof and is written in a free flowing style that makes for listening pleasure when read aloud. (Purely for my own curiosity -- was it deliberate to use the generally accepted masculine gender 'O' on Nano and the inverse on Nana?) A wonderfully enjoyable read. BACKED. Robert Davidson. The Tuzla Run.

I don't do comments but I must say that the previous one is way out. Unless you've changed it, you are not switching tenses, as far as I can see. That the dialogue is in present tense but you are reporting it in past seems perfectly normal to me.

Ommara, I looked at your opening chapter. There's a great story in there, but I have a nit with your switching between past and present tenses. I think you need to address this issue.

Happy to back your work on the basis of good story potential.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

The Queen Fish

Ommara,
Great fanciful story.
A zoomer

A fascinating glimpse into a fantastic world. Backed

Hi Ommara, Have you looked at The Swan Bonnet? If you can take a few minutes and see if you can support it for the Ed’s Desk, it would be much appreciated. A second thanks in case you’ve already shelved it. - Katherine

I love storys like this. The pitch grabs you from the start.
Backed.
Dawn,
My Friends and Me / Sammy and the Wise Willow

Enchanting --this is! I think you have a slightly fresh twist on a story for children. Your storyline is delightful and your writing clear-fun and warm--perfect for the target. Ohhhh I love children's stories and yours rocks!
Barbara

Ommara,

You are a great storyteller - and, indeed, you have created a new world for us to enjoy - just as you intended, and promissed :)

Beautiful story!

Backed with great pleasure.

Johanna Kern
Master and the Green-Eyed Hope

Adore Nano's cry of 'To the adventure car', though you've missed the full stop at the end of it. Are the breaks in the text to signify illustrations? The fish being blown to and fro is a vivid image that needs no help.
In ch 2 your punctuation is sometimes missing entirely. It would be a pity if something so insignificant but vital were to hold your book back because your characters are brilliant and the sort children will love and feel reassured by. Despite the evil starfish you paint a lovely picture of the world. Backed with best wishes. lynn

Adventurous grandparents? An adventure car? Wonderful. Lucky Bobo.
I agree with previous comments that Nana is a confusing name for a grandfather because it is a term often used (at least in the UK) for grandmothers. But besides that it's a delightful story, full of imaginative imagery and excitement..
BACKED
Cherry G.
The Girl From Ithaca.

Great pitch.
Great read.
backed with pleasure
Abel Kane
The Alchemists' Cookbook

This is a beautiful childrens story, fish, whales, and castle gates. What a great pitch. Backed with pleasure. Will return with further comments once I have read.
Helen

Why did you not write this when I was kid?! I would have loved it!
The very phrase "to the adventure car" already has my imagination sparked as a child.
Great book, would be excellent with illustrations too - something to think about.
Backed with great pleasure.
David
Bailey of the Saints

Hi Ommara,

I have backed your book because I was hooked by the pitch, loved the introduction and read on. How much more I read depends on time and commitment.

Enjoy everything and good luck.

Rusty Bernard
Psychiatric Evaluation

Dear Ommara, You've created a wondrous world in 'The Queen Fish'. Your imagery is magnificient and the characters are quite compelling. I'm very proud to back it and wish you nothing but success.

Richard Bard
BRAINRUSH (2010 ABNA Semi-Finalist)

A touch of editing could only make this wonderful tale even better...lovely imagery.
Backed with pleasure. Good Luck.
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of Sicilian Shadows) for a further possible backing of your book.

Ommara,

I agree with Anne that the Grandparents names are very confusing. But other than that I quite liked the "Queen Fish" and think it has great potential. Your writing is very imaginative and creative, I like the idea that they are on a mission to save the Queen fish who is the "good guy"

All the best of luck to you.

Barbara, Bryant Cove

I liked the concept of this story . For me Nano and Nana are names that need more differentiation. I got confused and had to look back especially as Nana is usually a name for grandma.I could visualise your story with large colourful illustrations. Best of all I liked the morality of the tale. The willingness of people to assist the underdog is something which children should be exposed to. Regards, Anne

In the first paragraph I didn't understand:
The moon has been granted special person to shine on it!

Do you man special permission, or am i misunderstanding what you mean? Not sure.

This itself is no ordinary boat.
Here you switch to present tense which was a bit jarring. I would recommend being consistent with tenses.

The ideas are pretty inventive and original and I think the writing is generally good, some small typos and punctuation errors, but overall a fun story. Backed.

The idea of the world's seas turning icy cold or even icing over to threaten all fish is fascinating.
Beneath this theme we have the possibility of Bobo and his grandparents saving the oceans against the Evil starfish and, while this is rather like the great Greek myths, there is also the notion of good against evil - ideally uplifting for young readers who need their moral compass to remain intact.
Some beautiful description in Chapter 1, 'fish sputtering from the air' and a total feel of magic which is bound to leave the bottom lip of many a younger reader agape in wonderment.

Backed
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

Really interesting stuff "O" ( i have sent you an email too!).

Dua and I enjoyed it (dua picked out many spelling errors! LOL) but we know it is in progress :)

polish it up, and it has real potential - i liked "JOKAN" the best :)

Loved Bobo, Nana and Nano too - shame you weren't in it?!! or were you the queen fish? hehe

We need a Marine boy because children must'nt be scared of the water so for that reason I'm backing 'The Queen Fish.,
Delightful engaging tale.
Daniel Manning
No Compatibility.

Hi Ommara, Inventive and the grandparents are the whimsical kind of characters that work in children’s books. I liked all the fish and underwater creatures, their parts in the rescue of the queen. I wondered how the submarine-car dealt with the underwater pressure. Sometimes the narrative felt a little stiff – the parts telling about Bobo’s habits - but that was because most of it flows well. “Nano looked at Bobo and asked Bobo…” – that could be dialogue since dialogue perks things. It’s different and colorful! Shelved –Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

funny and interesting to read, very imaginative and creative. "His grandmother, Nano, was a warm lady with the biggest handbag you would ever see in your life." I think children will be amused by such description

Lovely concept that will engage children and adults alike. this would easily be a high class kids movie as it is packed full of clever ideas and adult themes wrapped in sweet papers. Wonderful.