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rank  Editors Pick
word count 20593
date submitted 18.05.2010
date updated 01.03.2012
genres: Non-fiction, Biography, Harper True...
classification: moderate
incomplete

Breath In The Dark

Jane Hersey

"One day your big mouth will get you into trouble," my father told me. For 25 years I kept quiet.

 

A six-year old child with sole care of a mother suffering with clinical depression and eating disorders; ostracized by the Jewish community and the community at large; socially isolated, neglected, physically, emotionally and sexually abused and living in poverty.

This is the first of three manuscripts written soon after I came out of a psychotherapeutic community in 1984.


My story is told through the thoughts and voice of a traumatized, isolated child, enduring the stresses and strains of day to day life under difficult circumstances.

My genre is factual meaning, my writing is not contrived or used for best effect. I tell it how it was in my own words and writing style.








 
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tags

60s, abuse, deprivation, isolation, jewish, manchester., neglect, poverty, trauma, yiddish

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                   BREATH IN THE DARK

 

 

                     CHAPTER 1

 

Manchester 1959

 

     It was a dark, damp, misty night, inside the bedroom as well as across the city.  Please don’t let the lights outside that had frightened me and brought me running to the window be fire.

    Naked except for an old sodden dress, turning away from the window I shuffled in the dark back to the bed, sniffing and looking around. My heart pounding, my breathing heavy: I was so sure it was the smell of fire. The bedroom free from any comforting wallpaper and carpets seemed for the moment to be back to normal.

    Settling down on the bed, stroking the plump, still body, watching my mother’s face just to make sure she was still breathing, as a 6 year old, that was all I wanted, not toys or chocolates or comforts, just to know my mother was still alive was enough.

    The urine soaked bed sagging in the middle seemed so comforting now that the panic was over.  Pulling the coat that was the only source of warmth over us, I clung onto my world.

    “Gehen shloffen meine kinder, go to sleep my child.”  She closed her eyes again.  I was sucked into the well of the bed, engulfed by her huge breasts and stomach keeping me warm.  The night passed slowly, and brought in its wake the cold reality of day.  Awakening slowly, I felt hungry and cold, but there was warmth in the smiling face that said, “My little one, what would I do without you?”  The panic of the night had disappeared, as it had so many times before.  Stretching wearily and pleased to see the day-light, I climbed off the bed. 

    As I walked towards the bedroom door, panic and fear set in once again.  What would be behind the door of the old dilapidated Victorian house? Monsters, ghosts or howling, shrieking faces waiting to bite me and tear me to shreds, my shivering little body could sense them:Shama Yisroel Adoinoi Elowhaynoo,  shouting these words perhaps three or four times before gently easing the door open.  The more times it was repeated, the more likelihood of the monsters shrivelling up and going away, they couldn’t survive the sound of the precious Hebrew words. 

    Now that was out of the way, just double checking that none had survived to creep in and get my mother, the main thing was to go and prepare the fire in the living room.  I crept along the landing, pulling at the bits of broken linoleum with which I would make the fire, making sure there would be enough for another day, then down the stairs with a terrible sense of dread hanging over me, still saying “Shama Yisroel” It was very dark going down the stairs, but the “Shama would keep any harm away.  My mother had taught me the prayer on one of the few occasions when she could open her eyes and face the world.  She had been taught it as a child by her Jewish parents, both of whom were now dead.    

     Approaching the living room and standing on tiptoe, I tried to reach up to touch the Mezuzah on the door, it was so exciting.  As soon as the fire was ready, I pushed the couch close up to it, and ran back upstairs to try to coax my mother out of bed.

    The damp was not so noticeable now, there was a warm glow, the melting linoleum was burning blue and orange, there were more pieces in the corner to keep it alight.  I sat and began to watch the melting droplets.

    “Come downstairs, Mummy.  The fire’s really nice for you.  Try to come downstairs, I’ll take care of you.”

     Jumping up, I ran out of the room and up the stairs into the bedroom. I began touching her arm to wake her up.  It was an effort to pull her out of the sunken bed.  She sat on the side of the mattress and wrapped the coat around herself for warmth, still wearing the dress she had slept in and lived in for as long as I could remember. Looking dishevelled and lost, she followed me downstairs.  I knew she was doing it for my sake.   

    Lying in her place on the couch, she said, “Let me shloff, Hikey, be a good girl, then fell asleep again.  I picked up two or three pieces of linoleum and put them on the fire. I began to look around the room perhaps I could find some sweets or something, so long as it was food. There was nothing, so I took my place on the floor beside the couch.  Today was Sunday, so there was little chance of finding anything.  Perhaps there was something, maybe in the bedroom a penny might have dropped out when we had covered ourselves with my mother’s coat.  She was asleep, now I could go and have a look.

    I opened the living room door with all the same ritual, closing it quickly behind me to make sure I didn’t let too much heat escape from the room, it was very precious, I tried to retain it for as long as possible, then up the stairs, where it was still very dark, holding the banister rail, reciting the “Shama” over and over again, not giving those horrible monsters a chance to spring out of either of the doors to get me.  Into the bedroom, checking over my shoulder, all the time looking around, even under the bed, there was only the mattress reaching to the floor.  On my knees I searched about the room, feeling under the ripped linoleum, there was nothing.  My mother was still asleep as I quickly returned to the living room.  I was praying that she would not wake up, wanting and needing to be fed, praying that she would not feel the hunger in her sleep.

    Once again sitting beside the couch, feeling the heat of the fire, my eyes fixed on the little black droplets falling over the grate.  I listened to each breath my mother took, petrified even at that tender age that her breathing would stop.  The hours were passing by, it began to get dark outside. I stayed at her side for the rest of the day, watching the fire, listening, protecting her from all the monsters and ghosts in the house, praying for the morning to come.

    My mother awoke, desperately wanting a cigarette, begging me to find one.  I looked in every nook and cranny, at last finding a cigarette end.  She watched my every move.  “Gott sei dank, thank god don’t lose it, Hikey.”  It was getting dark now, the fire was dimming for lack of material.  I lit the cigarette until it glowed red.  I heard her say, “Watch my little one, and saw her making patterns in the darkness, it was something she did that always made us laugh.  Then she fell asleep again.  The dark closed in, and my ears became like radar in the pitch blackness. I listened for all those monsters, willing them to stay away, begging them to leave us in peace.  I even looked up the chimney, just to make sure there were no monsters legs edging down, trying to get in.

    Keeping very quiet, so that if a fire broke out I would be able to hear the crackling wood, I kept smelling for smoke: how would I get her out of the house?  I was trying hard to plan it all out.  If I kept sniffing, I would smell the fire as soon as it started. I mustn’t allow myself to fall asleep, just in case.  It was getting colder and damper, the hunger and stench were like familiar friends to me.  Planning an evacuation in my mind until I knew it by heart, would keep me awake.

    Daylight came very slowly, the darkness lingering on.  Stretching out on the floor, I began shaking my mother’s arm, trying to waken her.  “Come on, Mummy, wake up.  The Post Office will be open soon.  Come on Mummy.”

    Today was Monday.  Today we would have food. I could go to the doctor’s surgery to try to get him to give my mother some tablets that would bring her back to life, perhaps for a day.  Pulling her arm, I helped her to sit up on the couch, straightening the dress she had slept in, helping her to put on the coat that had served as a blanket during the night.

“Get my handbag Hikey, make sure my National Assistance book is in it.”

We didn’t have to walk down to the National Assistance offices to get the money any more now that they had sent us a book, we just had to take it to the Post Office.

    “I’ll carry your bag, Mummy, I said, when we were ready to go, running to the front door.  Walking out of the house into the daylight, I was jumping up and down, swinging the bag about, happy as could be because my mummy was taking me out,  I loved it.  It was still very cold and drizzly outside. I didn’t care. I was playing hide-and-seek in her coat, tripping over her feet and laughing.

    We walked up Johnson Street to the Post Office at the top.  This area of Manchester, just off Cheetham Hill Road, was very run down. It was part of what was then the Jewish Community.  Inside the Post Office we joined the queue of people waiting for money. I asked about the old woman in front of us with black numbers printed on her arm.  My mother told me that she had been in the concentration camps, that her expression was always one of anguish.  She always carried a pair of baby’s bootees with her.  She wasn’t alone I was told: there were others.  I stood closer to my mother and watched very carefully as the book was handed over the counter, checked, and then passed back with the money.  My mother placed it in her bag.  It would take away the panic and hunger for a while.

“The Levy’s had burning shmattes put through their letter box and Halpern the butchers.  Fascist momzers,I overheard an old lady say.  My heart was pounding so fast I gasped for air.

Outside the Post Office, my mother gave me some money.  “I’m going home, Hikey.  Will you get the shopping?”

    “Yes Mum.” I walked towards the nearest delicatessen, the shopping list imprinted on my mind,.....chopped liver, chopped herring, bagels, and much more.

    At last the bags were full of food, now for some cigarettes.  If she woke in the night crying for one, I wouldn’t have to panic.  Then on the way home a bottle of ‘pop’.  Walking home as fast as possible, swinging the bags to and fro and singing to myself, I felt very excited as I anticipated the taste of the food.

    The house drew nearer, the front door was in sight.  It was good to be home especially with all the food.  My mother was lying on the couch, hands outstretched, waiting for the chopped liver.  Ripping the paper, she scrabbled at the liver out with her fingers.  We were both grabbing at the food, oblivious to everything else, not stopping until we were so full that it was hard to move.  These were moments to savour, and would become rare in the course of the week.

    Monday was also the day to try to get some ‘Purple Hearts’ from the doctor’s surgery.  The name was familiar to me: they somehow breathed life into my mother, they had become part of my life as well.  Any amount would do.  If I went home without them, there would be crying and shouting, followed by more sleeping and silence, more misery.  As I left the house and walked down to the surgery, my heart was thumping: “Please doctor,” I pleaded to myself, the agony almost unbearable.

    At the surgery, the receptionist handed me a small piece of card with a number on it. “Take a seat.  You will be called later.” 

The waiting was terrible, time was passing so slowly. Eventually, my number was called out, “The doctor will see you now.”

     I walked down the corridor to the Doctor’s room at the end.

    “Come in!” 

    “Please doctor, can I have some ‘Purple Hearts’ for my Mum, Mrs. Levene?” I asked, standing at the open door.

Without lifting his head, he replied, “No”.

My heart started thumping harder than before.  I knew his mother could have all the tablets she wanted, without even asking, and that made me feel very sad.  “When I grow up, I’m going to be a doctor, then I won’t have to ask anybody for them,” I told myself.

    Arriving home, I found my mum lying surrounded by piles of half eaten food, snoring away contentedly.  My place was sitting on the floor beside her, playing with the leftover food, pretending to be a shop-keeper, protecting it as if it were buried treasure, wanting the scraps to last forever.

    Later in the day my mother was still asleep, I took some money out of her bag, and set off to buy some coal bricks.  The coal yard was a long way off, down Rochdale Road, but it was possible to buy broken bricks there a lot cheaper than anywhere else.

    Everything would feel warm now, there would be heat and somewhere to cook for the next few days.  Back home, I placed all the broken bricks in the corner near the fire, making sure none was lost or wasted.  Taking the small scraps first, I put them on the fire.  It was now ready to cook on.  It was almost dark now, so it was time to make us some savaloys before the night set in.  There was one pan in the house, it stayed in the living room with us, and doubled as a toilet.

    We lived downstairs for the next few days. By Thursday, everything was gone: no money, no heat or food, only panic and fear to get by on.

    The months passed, my mother’s stays in bed were more prolonged, her sleep deeper.  I dared not try to wake her, she would lash out uncontrollably.  “Let me shloff, don’t breathe near me,  please get away.” she would shout, crying and gasping for breath, convinced that she was dying and begging for someone to help her.  “Get off the bed, sit on the floor and don’t move.

    It felt hard and cold on the floor.  I sat rigid, ears pricked just in case she stopped breathing.

     “Hikey, go to the Doctor’s, she pleaded.  “I need some tablets.”

    “I’ll go now, Mum.  Don’t worry.”

    I set off on my way, my heart was thumping. If only he would give her some of the little purple tablets that enabled her to wake up and be nice.  Most of the time the answer was “No”, but there was always hope, as I sat in the doctor’s surgery, moving from chair to chair, getting nearer the doctor’s room.  Maybe this time he would say “Yes. Perhaps I could run home with them clutched in my hands, knowing they would make my mother be nice to me.  Again, the answer was “No”.

    “Please, Doctor, she can’t breathe and keeps saying she’s going to die.”

    “Take this prescription home to her. These tablets should help.”

     To me, they became as precious as the “Purple Hearts”. I always tried to make sure there were some in the house, even these became rare, and the panic of seeing her wake up so distressed was intolerable.

    Life didn’t change from one week to the next.  Leaving the house to go shopping became more of an ordeal, having to hold on to walls to keep my balance.  Having to stamp my feet on the ground to make my heart start beating again, not wanting to die and leave her alone, all these fears were now part of my life.  I should be going to school now, and was afraid to be seen on the streets in case I was forced to leave her alone in the house.

    Time passed.  One morning there was a dreaded knock at the front door, we never had any visitors.  It didn’t even occur to me that my mum had a family.  I felt very sorry for all the other children I saw, assuming that all relatives died before babies were born.  The knocking continued.  It was a signal to be quiet and huddle together, looking at each other, keeping still.

    “Keep very quiet, Hikey.  It must be from the school.  They mustn’t hear us.”

It meant panic:  “They want to take me away, mum.  We won’t open the door. - It couldn’t be anyone else.  They’re not taking me, even for a day.”    “Shush,” she said, pulling me towards her on the bed. “Be quiet.

My memories of school were almost non-existent, only the children’s faces remained in my mind.  Why couldn’t they all understand that my mother would die without me?

“Mum, I’m not going to school, ever.  I love you.”

The knocking stopped she let me stay in bed with her for the rest of the day.  She slept all the time.  I tried not to move in case it woke her up.  Everything felt safe again.

    I awoke the following morning hearing footsteps coming towards the front door.  The knocking was here again. I didn’t like it.  It was frightening. “Mummy.” I was crying, shaking her, feeling terrified. We both knew I would have to go and see who it was.  Creeping out of the bedroom, I was prayingShama Yisroel knowing there was something evil outside the front door, hoping the “Shama” would make it disappear.

“See if you can see who it is out of the bedroom window.”

I tiptoed into the bedroom and looked out of the window. I was too small to see anyone immediately below.

“I can’t see Mummy.”

     I crept out of the bedroom, shaking and very frightened.  Descending the stairs, I could see a dark shadow peering through the frosted glass on the front door.  Standing on tiptoe, on a wooden box I tried to reach the catch, barely able to grip it.  I could hardly see because something inside my head was banging away with the terrible fear that there was one of the dreaded monsters outside.

I gave up the struggle to open the door, turned around and ran back up the stairs.  I jumped on to the bed and hid under the coat.

“Someone’s coming Mum, what if it’s a monster?” The front door creaked open we clung onto each other, listening to the footsteps in the hall downstairs.  My heart was thumping.  The footsteps became louder, coming up the stairs and along the landing.  “Don’t turn into a monster, please,” I was pleading, peeping out from under the coat.  The bedroom door opened.  I could see a skirt, the legs were human.  “Thank god.” I whispered.

“Mrs Levene, I would like you to come downstairs.  I would like to talk to you.”

My head was reeling.

     “Please go away,” I whispered. “Don’t come back.  The woman’s voice was insistent, trying to keep my mother’s attention.  She started telling my mother that she was to go into hospital and I was to go into a children’s home.  It would be the same one that my brothers were in.

    That seemed to jog my memory. My only recollection of my brothers was of us all being in bed with my mother for days on end because there was no food or heat.  It all felt too much.  I just wanted somebody to shut the woman up, and make her leave my mum alone.  She belonged with me, not in hospital.  My body was shaking.  I pulled the coat off me and stood up on the bed, tripping over my mother.  I jumped to the floor, flew down the stairs, managed to open the front door and ran down the street, screaming that my mother would die without me.  I ran and ran, to get help.

    “Stop!” said a voice behind me. I felt my body jolt.  A man had stopped me.  He took me back up the road to the horrible woman, who was walking to meet me.

“Come on, you must come home with me.”  She was telling me that an ambulance would call in a few days time to collect my mother, on the same day I would be taken to the children’s home.

    My mother was still in bed.  “Don’t worry, Hikey.  We’ll be alright.  Get into bed with me.”  We both fell asleep.

A few days passed, and the same woman came back for me.  I begged to be able to stay until the ambulance had taken my mum away, needing to make sure that they didn’t make a mistake and forget to come for her, not being able to bear the thought of her being alone.  They let me wait for the ambulance.  It felt overpowering as I watched them take her away.

“Goodbye, Mummy. God bless, I’ll see you in the morning.  I love you.”  I couldn’t stop crying.

“I love you too, Hikey.”  The ambulance doors closed, and she was driven into the distance.

“Please don’t die. Please come back.”  The tears flooding down my face, as I repeated the words, the car door opened and I got in.  Something wanted to make me shout, “Dad, help us.”  I knew I must have had a father, but didn’t know if I was different and there had never been one, not knowing or being able to understand.

My mind went blank, at the same time something inside me was screaming.  Who am I?  What am I?  Who do I belong to now?  Who will get food for my mum?  What about her breathing tablets?  Will they just put her to bed and forget about her? I sobbed.

 

 

 

 

 

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HarperCollins Wrote

From the first lines of Breath in the Dark, there is a powerful sense that this is special. The simplicity of Jane’s style, the clarity of the child’s voice and the intensity of emotion fired in those few words had me hooked from the start.

From the first moment, we know that there is much that is outside our comprehension; that we are inside a child’s mind. Jane expresses the beautiful mix of confusion, faith and fear that characterises her childhood effortlessly. The dark, misty night that hangs over the opening scene hangs over the whole story, like the glow that is just as likely to be the danger of fire as the safety of a streetlamp. The opening image is apt – if not inspired – as Jane’s story constantly oscillates between these peaks of hope and despair, yearning to be mothered by, but always playing mother to, a woman teetering on the brink of death.

Breath in the Dark would make a fantastic publishing project, and there would be no one better placed to bring it to the world than the Harper True team. Not only does it contain all the elements of a highly moving memoir, Jane’s rendering of these is so original as to give the impression of never having read them before. There are few things as fascinating as the comfort and consolation Hikey derives from things that seem so repulsive to the outside world.

The relationships between Hikey and her mother, her father, the outside world are all utterly (even morbidly) compelling. We are shown that she is not only the victim of her mother’s condition, but the creator (or at least prolonger) of it: a terrible compromise creating a constant battle between life and death. The suspense that this battle creates and the darkening relationships between Hikey and those around her is the heart of this story: it is a portrait in trauma.

Slowly we realise the effects this existence has – and will continue to have – on Hikey: not only through the occasional comparisons we can draw with her peers, as she comes into contact with the outside world, but also through the changing thoughts and feelings she relates. We don’t notice the passage of time in the story, because Hikey herself has no concept of it, but the observer sees patterns developing and scars forming. ‘Monsters’ turn into real people on the bus; food that once was dumped on the floor must now be painstakingly arranged; numbers must be counted repeatedly; walls must be touched and clothing fixed in one place in order to avoid her mother’s death. With a little knowledge of the problems that a difficult childhood creates, we can foresee the profound effect this will have on Hikey’s later years.

There is so much more I could say about Breath in the Dark, its excellent narrative, incredible intensity and the unfakeable ring of truth it carries – but this could fill pages. There is one outstanding recommendation I would make, however, which is that an ending is written: as it stands, Hikey’s story is noticeably incomplete. It would be made more powerful for being put in context, perhaps by the events following her mother’s death, or by Jane’s adult life.

In terms of publication, as ever, there can be no guarantees, as so much depends on infinitely mutable factors beyond our control. But Breath in the Dark should stand as a testament to one woman’s incredible will and faith, at the very least: evidence that terrible things can be survived and tales can be told to make others aware. Every part of it is an extremely powerful reading experience: it is heartbreaking and fascinating in equal amounts. It is a story that deserves to be told, and will be taken under consideration for publication as a matter of precedence.

hikey wrote 486 days ago

My only expectation in life as a child was to hear my mother breathing. Hence, the title 'Breath in the Dark.' This story is written through the eyes of a child whose only 'sense of self' is gained from her body smell, as well as the smell and behaviour of her mother. What is paramount in this story is the mindset and entrenched behaviours which develop over time in the child. A child who is neglected, socially isolated, abused and traumatised is not going to know her age, the weight of her mother, age of siblings, etc, as suggested below. Also, a child living in such conditions is not going to develop emotionally. I think it is sad when a minority of readers over analyse the writing in terms of how they think it should be written and punctuated etc. This, in my opinion reflects much of what is wrong in the Social Care System. For example, when people who have had all their needs met as children, have been well supported and given the opportunity for education are dealing with people often born into poverty and disadvantage. The emphasis for some Social Workers is on the report writing, crossing the t's and dotting the i's so that the lack of humanity of those who need support and compassion becomes secondary to the administration needs of the Social Workers. False perceptions based on class prejudice are also a problem, for example, when it is wrongly assumed that people living in deprived conditions do so because they don't have the intelligence to know any better.
Currently, there are approximately 80,000 child carers in the UK currently known to the authorities. No figures exist for the amount of child carers who do not make themselves known for fear of being parted from their families. These children are usually caring for a lone parent suffering, mental, drug and alcohol problems, living in poverty. They lack educational opportunites, are unsupported emotionally, stressed and in adulthood most likely to be unemployable without the ability to form and maintain constructive relationships.
I do not use psychiatric lables to explain my behaviour because those behaviours were perfectly normal reactions to abnormal situations. No child has any influence over the circumstances they are born into. In addition, it is well documented that people who are depressed living in poverty do not seek out medical or other services.
Even when the reader has been taught to over analyse as part of their profession some intelligence and imagination is needed to enter a world beyond their experience.


I read through your book, I did like how it begins with a six year old child. The style, from my perspective, was consistent with a six year old. It felt choppy with holes in the logic and knowledge of the child. This served to draw me into the story. In the first few chapters the foot stamping and touching of the wall with the other small anxiety symptoms were well placed. It felt like I was going into your mindset from your youth. The yiddish was fine and you do not need a dictionary of terms (I think) since most of them are easily discerned.
Later in the writing, though, it became frustrating that the style remained choppy and disjointed. There were paragraphs where two people would speak. Speakers were not always identified. The scenes were not laid out. You mention being 6 at the beginning. How old are Jeffrey and David? How old is your mother. How much does she weigh? What were the medical diagnoses? Do you have anxiety at this time? Some of the behaviors you write about would indicate obsessive compulsive disorder. What did the flat look like? Go into detail about the filth that so upsets all visitors to the place. I also am unfamiliar with the British school system. I thought by the end of the story you were 16 or so. Yet the style remained the uniformed six year old view of the world. For example, at the end, you are still stamping your foot to keep your heart going. Has no one to this point in your life mentioned it as unnecessary? How do you pronounce Hikey? Is it like Hike-E, or is it like Hickey?
I realize that your book is recapturing your youthful thoughts. I think this is one of its strengths. However, the illusion of the child's mind is pierced several times by you saying "I remember . . . ." It would be better to change those sentences so that the mind is not revealed or to slowly change your style as you age to add details to the settings and to the friendships. You mention two girls who befriended you, but no mention was made previously that anyone spoke to you in ways apart from the derogatory. I could not tell how old you were when your mother died. Nor could I determine Jeffrey's age as he quits school to begin work. And while I have not looked at your other manuscript, an explanation of what you realize about this childhood now as an adult would be a nice way to end the story.
I did like the book. I could see it as a story used in sociology departments as a window to the mind of children in poverty and dysfunctional homes. Good luck with this, I will keep watching it, and I hope these comments help. I would appreciate you looking at my book and any comments you would care to make.

James Apologist wrote 479 days ago

I hope my 6-star rating helps. I am not used to using that system and didn't think of it until today. I noted the critique that you answered a week ago. I usually talk about grammar and punctuation, but it doesn't seem to matter here. You are right on, in my view, re the psych part. You should carry no psych diagnosis; to have come out what psychiatrists would usually call "normal" from the experiences you had would itself have been abnormal. If for some reason you HAD to be given a diagnosis, I'd say its "post-traumatic stress syndrome," or, if you don't have that, it's surprising. No, I don't think you would be expected to know demographics and, as for the weight of your mother, I suppose she wasn't weighed for years. I REALLY like the last sentence of your response. James Apologist

deathcabkid wrote 324 days ago

Jane, I just finished the first chapter, and I am truly glad that I backed this book. The fact that your story had the power to nearly make me cry all within the very first chapter is quite indicative of how profound and moving your memoir most likely is. I adore the simplicity of the language and the style, and I certainly disagree with those who have critiqued it. Your writing is a breath of fresh air, and I could feel your hopes becoming my hopes as I read. I, too, was worried and dismayed when the doctor continually denies you the purple tablets. You seem to effortlessly convey the pain and the anguish you experienced taking care of your mother, and being so lost and fragile, and I felt all of that love you have for your mother pouring through the story. This is beautiful work, and I certainly hope to see it published someday. A transcendent and impelling memoir. BACKED and rated SIX STARS with pleasure. Best of luck to you.

Ryan Holden
HOMOCIDAL

Jannypeacock wrote 419 days ago

It's been a very long time since I have read anything that has left me so emotionally charged at the end. My heart ached with every word.
I love the simplicity of the language, it really felt like I was standing beside this six year old child watching as she struggled.
The scenes are so well set without the need for a big floral explanation of the location of the carpet and texture of the table as you often get in long winded memoirs. You have the nack of drawing the reader deep into the scene with just a few well placed words.
It is wonderful to read something with so much content, nothing more, nothing less, just every word there for the simple purpose of telling the story as it happened.
The powerful emotion of this story will live with me for a long time.
You truly are an inspiration. To have lived through something so difficult and had the strength to write about it is nothing short of harrowing.
Well done.

Wes63 wrote 444 days ago

Go Jane!

Lori E. Mazzola wrote 446 days ago

This is hard to read, very sad...
I prefer happy stories! It is well written though!
All good Authors use imagery.

cindergirl6 wrote 446 days ago

So happy for you Jane.

cindergirl6 wrote 446 days ago

So happy for you Jane.

Tracy McCarthy wrote 447 days ago

I read your story. My heart aches for you and what you endured. You are very brave and very strong.

Breathe in the Dark will live in my thoughts and I will always hope you are well and happy, having overcome such agonizing obstacles.

Thank you for sharing your story.
Tracy

jllove wrote 448 days ago

Awsome Review :) Yay you

Eponymous Rox wrote 448 days ago


Congratulations on this most encouraging review---adding 'Breath In the Dark' and your author bio to my website within the week. Best of luck, Jane, and nice work.

CHEERS--
E.R.

Spunky wrote 449 days ago

How Wonderful for you! What an amazing review...I wish you the best of luck. I will be reading your book as soon as I can get to it..I am very curious because I have written my life story, so mine is a true story too.
I hope you do get published, because I believe true stories can help so many people. I will comment as soon as I have read enough to do so.
Congrats!
Dayna

writerwithacause wrote 449 days ago

Congrats. Lisa

writerwithacause wrote 449 days ago

Congrats on making it to the editors desk. Lisa

Primrose Hill wrote 449 days ago

I just stopped by, drawn by the review, and read your first chapter. It gave me so much pleasure, which may seem a strange thing to say of piece of writing which expresses so hauntingly a little child's terror. Hiki's love for her mother is totally unconditional, and I could feel the weight of the little child's extraordinary anxieties.
Please don't take any notice of comments about style. This is authentic. Perfection would be completely out of place here.
In 1959 I was an adolescent living with my family in the same part of Cheetham, Manchester. Waterloo Road to be exact, surrounded by Kosher butchers, bakers, and delicatessens, and farther down the handbag and raincoat manufacturers. My school friends were all Jewish, though we were not, and though we came home on the school bus together, our lives were lived out quite separately really. You gave me a glimpse into what was going on around me and took me back to an area which though deprived, was quite special. Thank you.

Judge Jeffreys wrote 450 days ago

As I am new to commenting on this site, I wanted to read the books that had made it to the desk. I'm sorry, I read to Chapter 6 and found it was all content and no style. I think what got it to the desk was sympathy for the content. The sentences are clipped and there is no flow to the style. This of course is only my opinion as a reader. It read like a first draft to me.

SusieGulick wrote 451 days ago

How totally wonderful you are, Jane!! :) Thank you so very much for backing my memoirs/testimony book. :) May God richly bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I have also gold ******-rated your book :) - could you please ****** mine, too. Every ****** -ing & backing more than 24 hours moves our books up authonomy's lists. :) I want to ask you if you could please keep my book on your bookshelf because, I'm #1 on the editor's desk & I don't want to lose traction & to remain in the top 5 to be chosen February 28. :) Please read my profile page: I had a mini-stroke Nov. 10 with slurred speech for an hour & numbness of tongue still & over 24 smaller ones where I couldn't speak since & I"d sure like to cross the finish line of the editor's desk after almost 1 year of trying on authonomy. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me :) - I have lost 3 sisters to strokes & my last sister, Mary had 2 heart attacks this past year.

Winks wrote 474 days ago

Definitely a story worth telling, and I was intrigued and engaged from the beginning.

berseba wrote 477 days ago

Jane, first let me apologise for not getting to your book sooner, I have not been on the site for some time.
This is on of those stories where I wish I could print of the pages and keep it on my bookshelf where I can give it the attention it deserves. I know from first hand knowledge how a traumatic experience in childhood can affect you as an adult, I just wish I could put my own experiences and thoughts into words as you have done.
While I want to cry for your pain and suffering I also want to congratulate and applaude you for coming through that awful time as well as you have. You tell the story in a disturbing and heart wrending way wthout being self pitying. Your narrative is clear and to the point and your thoughts and feelings and love for your mother come through so well. You deserve the best of luck with this story. Backed. Berseba.

Elsie R Aven wrote 477 days ago

Congratulations, Jane. I'm so pleased that you're going to get a pro crit. Good luck.

kategrimes@live.co.uk wrote 478 days ago

Hi Jane, good to see you are on the editors desk. I have backed your book again and given it six stars. Good luck with it, dear.

Kate Grimes -Lizzie - Cuppa Tales

James Apologist wrote 479 days ago

I hope my 6-star rating helps. I am not used to using that system and didn't think of it until today. I noted the critique that you answered a week ago. I usually talk about grammar and punctuation, but it doesn't seem to matter here. You are right on, in my view, re the psych part. You should carry no psych diagnosis; to have come out what psychiatrists would usually call "normal" from the experiences you had would itself have been abnormal. If for some reason you HAD to be given a diagnosis, I'd say its "post-traumatic stress syndrome," or, if you don't have that, it's surprising. No, I don't think you would be expected to know demographics and, as for the weight of your mother, I suppose she wasn't weighed for years. I REALLY like the last sentence of your response. James Apologist

Nigel Fields wrote 480 days ago

Go, Jane. Go!

Nigel Fields wrote 480 days ago

Hi Jane,
I wanted to offer a comment on this powerful book of yours. Your excellent pitch both draws attention and compliments this human drama. Loved the color of the Yiddish, easy to follow. Great voice. Wishing you the best here.
Sincerely,
John B Campbell

Noah McRae wrote 484 days ago

Your pain was heartbreaking.

This is an immensely powerful biography and you have my utter support. Very descriptive daily routines with a hanging sense of the unknown because no one knows what was wrong with your mum.

This pulls on the heart strings and make me want something soo much better for anyone in this situation--this is a moving story that demands change.

Outstounding courage to put this up here, and beautiful work at being #3,
Thank you for showing me this story, it's an eye opener.

Kindest and best regards towards the sucsess of this brilliant and emotionally overbearing novel,
Hannah
Approaching Dusk

Venenum wrote 484 days ago

Read the first five chapters so far and I am grabbed in. Your descriptions is strong and engaging, and the emotion you draw to the reader is universal and felt through the narrative. I love the honesty, and how the experience is very connecting and traumatic. This is very well done. Thank you for introducing me to read this book. The best of luck to you and the success of this book.
-JC
A Proclamation of Death

scatteredfrost wrote 485 days ago

This is a gripping, heart rending story. Amazing details and excellent voice.

Pamela Frost
Houses of Cards

hikey wrote 486 days ago

My only expectation in life as a child was to hear my mother breathing. Hence, the title 'Breath in the Dark.' This story is written through the eyes of a child whose only 'sense of self' is gained from her body smell, as well as the smell and behaviour of her mother. What is paramount in this story is the mindset and entrenched behaviours which develop over time in the child. A child who is neglected, socially isolated, abused and traumatised is not going to know her age, the weight of her mother, age of siblings, etc, as suggested below. Also, a child living in such conditions is not going to develop emotionally. I think it is sad when a minority of readers over analyse the writing in terms of how they think it should be written and punctuated etc. This, in my opinion reflects much of what is wrong in the Social Care System. For example, when people who have had all their needs met as children, have been well supported and given the opportunity for education are dealing with people often born into poverty and disadvantage. The emphasis for some Social Workers is on the report writing, crossing the t's and dotting the i's so that the lack of humanity of those who need support and compassion becomes secondary to the administration needs of the Social Workers. False perceptions based on class prejudice are also a problem, for example, when it is wrongly assumed that people living in deprived conditions do so because they don't have the intelligence to know any better.
Currently, there are approximately 80,000 child carers in the UK currently known to the authorities. No figures exist for the amount of child carers who do not make themselves known for fear of being parted from their families. These children are usually caring for a lone parent suffering, mental, drug and alcohol problems, living in poverty. They lack educational opportunites, are unsupported emotionally, stressed and in adulthood most likely to be unemployable without the ability to form and maintain constructive relationships.
I do not use psychiatric lables to explain my behaviour because those behaviours were perfectly normal reactions to abnormal situations. No child has any influence over the circumstances they are born into. In addition, it is well documented that people who are depressed living in poverty do not seek out medical or other services.
Even when the reader has been taught to over analyse as part of their profession some intelligence and imagination is needed to enter a world beyond their experience.


I read through your book, I did like how it begins with a six year old child. The style, from my perspective, was consistent with a six year old. It felt choppy with holes in the logic and knowledge of the child. This served to draw me into the story. In the first few chapters the foot stamping and touching of the wall with the other small anxiety symptoms were well placed. It felt like I was going into your mindset from your youth. The yiddish was fine and you do not need a dictionary of terms (I think) since most of them are easily discerned.
Later in the writing, though, it became frustrating that the style remained choppy and disjointed. There were paragraphs where two people would speak. Speakers were not always identified. The scenes were not laid out. You mention being 6 at the beginning. How old are Jeffrey and David? How old is your mother. How much does she weigh? What were the medical diagnoses? Do you have anxiety at this time? Some of the behaviors you write about would indicate obsessive compulsive disorder. What did the flat look like? Go into detail about the filth that so upsets all visitors to the place. I also am unfamiliar with the British school system. I thought by the end of the story you were 16 or so. Yet the style remained the uniformed six year old view of the world. For example, at the end, you are still stamping your foot to keep your heart going. Has no one to this point in your life mentioned it as unnecessary? How do you pronounce Hikey? Is it like Hike-E, or is it like Hickey?
I realize that your book is recapturing your youthful thoughts. I think this is one of its strengths. However, the illusion of the child's mind is pierced several times by you saying "I remember . . . ." It would be better to change those sentences so that the mind is not revealed or to slowly change your style as you age to add details to the settings and to the friendships. You mention two girls who befriended you, but no mention was made previously that anyone spoke to you in ways apart from the derogatory. I could not tell how old you were when your mother died. Nor could I determine Jeffrey's age as he quits school to begin work. And while I have not looked at your other manuscript, an explanation of what you realize about this childhood now as an adult would be a nice way to end the story.
I did like the book. I could see it as a story used in sociology departments as a window to the mind of children in poverty and dysfunctional homes. Good luck with this, I will keep watching it, and I hope these comments help. I would appreciate you looking at my book and any comments you would care to make.

writerwithacause wrote 487 days ago

Jane,
I rebacked your book just as you asked. Of course this is an excellent read and I will support you any way I can. Congratulations on being number 3. Lisa

mlouisnielson wrote 487 days ago

I read through your book, I did like how it begins with a six year old child. The style, from my perspective, was consistent with a six year old. It felt choppy with holes in the logic and knowledge of the child. This served to draw me into the story. In the first few chapters the foot stamping and touching of the wall with the other small anxiety symptoms were well placed. It felt like I was going into your mindset from your youth. The yiddish was fine and you do not need a dictionary of terms (I think) since most of them are easily discerned.
Later in the writing, though, it became frustrating that the style remained choppy and disjointed. There were paragraphs where two people would speak. Speakers were not always identified. The scenes were not laid out. You mention being 6 at the beginning. How old are Jeffrey and David? How old is your mother. How much does she weigh? What were the medical diagnoses? Do you have anxiety at this time? Some of the behaviors you write about would indicate obsessive compulsive disorder. What did the flat look like? Go into detail about the filth that so upsets all visitors to the place. I also am unfamiliar with the British school system. I thought by the end of the story you were 16 or so. Yet the style remained the uniformed six year old view of the world. For example, at the end, you are still stamping your foot to keep your heart going. Has no one to this point in your life mentioned it as unnecessary? How do you pronounce Hikey? Is it like Hike-E, or is it like Hickey?
I realize that your book is recapturing your youthful thoughts. I think this is one of its strengths. However, the illusion of the child's mind is pierced several times by you saying "I remember . . . ." It would be better to change those sentences so that the mind is not revealed or to slowly change your style as you age to add details to the settings and to the friendships. You mention two girls who befriended you, but no mention was made previously that anyone spoke to you in ways apart from the derogatory. I could not tell how old you were when your mother died. Nor could I determine Jeffrey's age as he quits school to begin work. And while I have not looked at your other manuscript, an explanation of what you realize about this childhood now as an adult would be a nice way to end the story.
I did like the book. I could see it as a story used in sociology departments as a window to the mind of children in poverty and dysfunctional homes. Good luck with this, I will keep watching it, and I hope these comments help. I would appreciate you looking at my book and any comments you would care to make.

The Collector wrote 487 days ago

Jane, I have been away from Authonomy for a while as I have had a number of projects that have been taking up my time. However, I'm back. I recall your book from my last read of it and I have backed it again today if that has any benefit to you.

If you get a chance to take another look at the Collector of Tales, it would be appreciated, perhaps chapter 18 or 21 ?

kind regards

david
the collector of tales

EmilyJean wrote 488 days ago

Excellent beginning. Just the second sentence is a bit awkward. I suggest breaking it into two sentences:
An eerie light had pulled me, running toward the window. Please don't let it be fire!

Terry B wrote 488 days ago

Hi Jane.
Thank you for your comments on my book "Never Again" (now retitled Someone to Love Us). It has now been published by HC and is doing very well.
I have put your book "Breath in the Dark" on my W/List for the moment until I can sort out my shelf. I will make a comment soon when I have some time to spare. It looks a very good read and I'm looking forward to reading it.
It looks like you have had a very hard life. Best wishes for the future. Terry.

Justis Call wrote 489 days ago

Back on my shelf - this is an intense story, difficult to read, yet enthralling at the same time. You deserve to be on the editor's desk!

Justis Call
Prestidigitations

abipenfold wrote 489 days ago

Breath in the Dark -
this is an emotional read, and i agree with the comment above (stark silvercoin), that this book holds so much power. I immediately felt for the young girl. You're very good at pulling readers heart strings.
I'm really impressed with this - your writing and descriptions are vivid and utterly amazing. This does deserve to be published. Glad to see it on the ED.
Backed with absolute pleasure
abi

celticwriter wrote 490 days ago

Hi Jane
:-)
blessings,
jim

jrevino wrote 491 days ago

James Apologist referenced your book when sending me a message so i thought i'd take a look. i've only read the first chapter, but am impressed none the less. your writing style helps the reader feel Hikey's tension and fear. you immediately feel for the six year old and her plight. looking forward to reading on. well done. congrats.

Bandof1 wrote 491 days ago

I think you meant she would go back to the floor not the door. I'm completely captured by the story being told. I will continue to read, and will comment again. Please let me know what you think of "Just Out of Sight" when you get the chance to look at it.
Bandof1 (Craig)

Bandof1 wrote 491 days ago

I will read your story and let you know my thoughts. Please take a look at "Just Out of Sight". It was a labor of love for me. I hope you get somethingout of it. I look forward to your thoghts as well.
Bandof1 (Craig)

Brian Bandell wrote 492 days ago

This is a moving story. You do a wonderful job of reliving your difficult childhood and capturing that perspective. If you can job your memory a bit more, it would be nice to read more descriptions of the settings. In the orphanage, how do the other children react to the commotion?

I know this is in your own words, but smoothing out the grammar is important. it would be a shame to have a publisher pass on this because of grammar when that can be corrected without taking anything away from the excellent story. Be sure that your clauses are next to the nouns they are modifying. For instance “Naked except for an old sodden dress,” should be followed by the noun it refers to and not a verb. The same goes for “sniffing and looking around.” I assume that the bed isn’t doing any sniffing. In same graph, wrong use of “:”. Use a comma there instead. In other places you put a comma where you should have ended the sentence. Remember that there’s nothing wrong with using short sentences too. In fact, they can be very effective at speeding up the pace of the story. When you use sentences with six or seven commas, that slows everything down.

Kudos to you for having the bravery to write this. Backed.

Brian

Karen Eisenbrey wrote 493 days ago

Jane,

I got your message, and when I saw how close you are to the Ed Desk, I decided to help you out. I read chapter 1 of Breath in the Dark and found it very moving. Your simple, matter-of-fact style works very well for this. It is an adult voice, but very much in the mind of the child. The simplicity and lack of drama in the writing make the story all the more heartbreaking. The idea of a small child parenting her mother with so little support is troubling on so many levels. It shows how much a human being can get used to, but at what price. The fear of monsters and rituals to keep them at bay are almost typically childlike, but more sinister because there are real monsters: cold, hunger, illness of body and mind. Yet this little girl can still be happy and excited to go out with her mother to get their assistance money. She is still a child at that point, even though she has been forced into the role of an adult.

The main proofreading issue I noticed was a tendency to sometimes run two or more sentences together without punctuation or with commas when periods might make more sense. This is a minor matter and easily corrected.

Congratulations on making the top 5, and I wish you all the best with this project.

Karen Eisenbrey
CRANE'S WAY
TIME SQUARED

Inkfinger wrote 493 days ago

Hi Jane,
I got your message and took a look at your book. I enjoyed reading it; you write well and the pictures you describe are so vivid to me.
If you would like to hear some of my thoughts (nothing major at all!): I probably wouldn't start it with "It was a dark, damp, misty night," purely because it's too much like the cliche: "It was a dark and stormy night!"
Also I noticed some of the sentence structure could flow better, e.g. "Naked except for an old sodden dress, turning away from the window, I shuffled in the dark back to the bed..." could be changed to: "Naked except for an old sodden dress, I turned away from the window and shuffled in the dark back to the bed."
There's loads of brilliant stuff in it I could praise you for, but I thought I'd try and be more helpful! :) It's only my humble opinion though!
You said you'd swap reads: Mine's a children's story, quite a bit different from this! I'd be really pleased if you'd read it. Don't feel obliged to back it, only if you feel it deserves it! Thankyou :)
Inkfinger.

Frank James wrote 493 days ago

Hi Jane,
I received your message to-day and am delighted to register my vote for your excellent book, it goes on my shelf now. Perhaps you could inform me when you will no longer need my vote. I would appreciate your support for my book, (The Contractor) and look forward to hearing from you.

Frank James (The Contractor)

matt.thomas wrote 493 days ago

An enjoyable read. I discovered this piece a long while ago, and am glad that it recently came to my attention again since it is a pleasure to revisit.

Marie Crist wrote 494 days ago

I like it. It pulled at my heart strings and I love that you are bringing about awareness for children in situations where they are not taken care of and are having to grow up way to fast. Good Work!


Marie

celticwriter wrote 494 days ago

Hi Jane, certainly will. :-)

Hope you can re-back mine, too. I'm slipping fast. :-)

jim

healthpolicymaven wrote 494 days ago

Hi Jane,
I have been having trouble with this site loading books and even getting to my page the past few weeks, but I was able to read the first chapter again. I like the use of Yiddish sprinkled throughout and I do appreciate the imagination of the six year old at play. I found myself in the story quite easily. This is a courageous tale well told and I will back it.
Second read.
Roberta

D W McD wrote 497 days ago

I have read to the end of the first chapter. It felt slightly dragged. The emotion of the events is what dragged the read along for me. I haven't seen anything at all for spelling or grammatic mistakes. I don't usually read this genre, but it may finally get a little more of a looking now.

All the best,

D W McDougald (Ecrius: Demon Untold)

Hydeshouse wrote 497 days ago

A very interesting and emotional read; it leaves me with questions but am certain they will be answered in later chapters. You set out details sufficiently to give the reader an apt depiction of the child's environment, but not in such detail they become a drudge (ala Michener). The pace is right. I feel it deserves backing.

DB

Clare Morris wrote 497 days ago

Have only had chance to read first chapter so far but I am totally hooked. I love your detailed descriptions and the emotion you make us feel right at the start - I felt right in the middle of the scene and connected to the narrator - very well done.

You are very deserving of a place on the editor's desk - I wish you all the best!

Clare Morris
The Cloud Drivers: The Giant's Storm

lisawb wrote 497 days ago

Backed before and deservedly backed again.

Lisa

Darkwinglord wrote 498 days ago

Hi, Jane.
I only do fairly extensive reviews, (I blame my critic group for that; pedantic bastards all!). Lol!
You carry this nicely with a great 1st person perspective and a character that is instantly likeable, believable and drawns the reader into the mind of a child. The background is unquestionable, since it derives directly from experience and it interacts with what's going on around it. Much like Ken Follett's - Fall of Giants really. As I mentioned before, the pitch is wonderful and promised a great read - I'm not disappointed.

Now, seeing you're this close to the whipping block, (where your clothes will be torn off and your back exposed to the machinations of whip wielders, lol!), you need to get this as polished as you can before submission. On the opening paragraph there were a couple of glares that caused me to stumble. If it does me, then it will over the exe. table. Seems there are too many commas throughout the book, (check with your grammmarian before submission and have them deleted). This is apparent in your first sentence. For instance, (It was a dark, damp, misty night, inside the bedroom as well as across the city.) Two things here are at odds; first the comma after misty night ~ take out the first two adjectives then read it. *It was a misty night inside...* See? no comma needed. Which brings me to the second oddity, (it was a misty night inside?) . Was it? Was the mist inside the room? Then the place must have been freezing and the windows all frosted over. Which doesn't validate your next sentence... which brought her running to the window to see if it was a fire, (which should have had a comma ~ before "be fire".

I think in that first paragraph you may have placed too much emphasis on the inside of the room, (I know you want to create an atmosphere through the eyes of the child), but what you've effectively done is put the setting at odds with itself. if perhaps, you embelish the "light" outside, instead, and create an atmosphere where the child really is scared there is a fire, then you would create the same effect. For example, *It was a damp, misty night across the city. The lights outside my bedroom frightened me and brought me running to the window. Please don't let them be fire.* Now when you use "dark", as you do in the second paragraph, it isn't repetitive. You can re-word the first paragraph as suits you of course, but I would, seeing how close you are to the ED. The opening lines of your book MUST be the best. MUST be able to snatch the reader; to hell with lunch, I wanna read this BOOK!!!

Right... that's about all I can do here. Hope that helps, Jane. You're soooo close. Good luck and best wishes to you.

Warm Regards
Andrew