Cicada

CICADA - There are some books that let you know with just a few words, maybe a paragraph, you are in for a special treat. The author's prose is not only beautiful it is evocative for example, this sentence describing a note intended to be left by suicide contemplating John Sayre, 'in unhurried block letters that huddled together as though afraid to the seen, it read:' There are no spasmodic flashes of brilliance written by a competent author but the excellence of an extremely accomplished master of his craft. His characters spring to life in the readers mind as they go about the daily routines of their lives showing their hopes, fears and prejudices or lack of them This is a slow burning tale, intelligently and sensitively told and having read eight chapters I had to drag myself away shortly after Cicada, herself, is introduced. How, I asked myself can a story of bigotry have not only the ability to enthrall but have charm? The conclusion I came to was the author's consummate skill and a little bit of magic. A recommended read.

Child - Atramentus Speaks.

What can one say about a story that grabs them from page one through page 25. This book should already be published. If I picked out every beautiful phrase as an example, I would be re-writing the entire book word for word in this commentary. This would make a great classic movie as well. It begs me to know more about the author.....who ARE you? Where did you learn to write like this? I want the first published book autographed......I'm rambling......but what else can you say when a book is THIS good. C.S.Poulsen THE INSIDERS p.s. BACKED (duh)

O beautiful. And you even deploy ; appropriately. The opening is cracking. And I like the weariness of 'The old boys said so.' Those damned old boys. 'Dogs ... offering only pathetic whines of discomfort between heavy pantings' was exactly how I was ydy evening as i complained about something to my boss. I began to think at '...'Feed n Grain, barbers shop...' all American novel. And yes I was minded of Cannery Row, the description of the guys chasing frogs in the river, which was 'all a river should be.' Ach, but then, you crafty so and so. You take me into a little natural history. I am thinking Gilbert White, 'Natural History of Selbourne'. I absolutely enjoyed the cicada put down and even felt sorry for the damn things...they can't help the way Poet Nature designed them. I almost, though not quite, began to fear you when I read 'the fusion of cicada song and heat.' It actually sounds like a devilish drink. The leisurely drollery of 'Truly the mockingbird couldn't be more of a disappointment in appearance.' is a delightfully pleasing tone of phrase. The heat has really put your back up against nature's efforts! But nature gets her own back as her products are used to lead us to an insight into the nature of man. The ending of your opening salvo is masterly as you had me all relaxed and settled into the minutia (sp) of Nature's words. I had quite forgotten the taste of gun oil. Also, bravo, the fact you had the mockingbirds a-mocking the crow for fifteen minutes instilled the illusion of time into your short opening. And then bang. Raymond Stout. Masterly stuff, sir. It seems pathetic to say I back you, though I do, because that is not enough. I enjoyed your writing because it is sinewy and confident, engages my curiosity, beguiles me and has a languid drama and promise to it. You handle words excellently and win my attention because I feel enriched for reading you. I will read more.

There is a touch of the Seinbeck to your opening descriptions here; very reminiscent of the opening and closing to Of Mice and Men.

This is excellently written.

That beginning with the considerate suicide is crucial to the following development of metaphores; it sets up a writing style that is dependent on fantastic use of language and authorial control. The suicide scene is handled with a subtle humour and not a little crafting that sets it out amongst the many on this site.

Your use of language is exquisite at times: "Mother, aunts and wives were forced to make lunches that didn't require the stove to prepare." is concise, developed and powerfully driven within the narrative. There is much more of this kind of writing littering the work.

The dogs that whine, if nothing else, just to prove they are still alive, is masterful.

When you contrast the cicada and the mocking bird I detected a brilliant metaphore for men and women grating against each other and then that finality with the crow; fantastic.

BACKED

Hi Eric

This is a very accomplished piece of writing and if your other books are anything at all like this one, your writing career really will go far.
I haven't read anything like this for a while and your style reminds me of John Grisham.
An absolute pleasure to back and a book I would definitely buy.
Sarah. T-cup and the Dream Team Fairies

Wonderful writing and a lovely cover. The story has depth and is kind of harrowing in nature. I hope to read more soon.

I actually started reading this because the cover caught my eye, and I can always appreciate a good cover. :P But I was glad the writing also caught my eye.

You have me in awe. I was there with John. I had that gun in my mouth. Wow. Will back and rate.

A good story. It develops well. From the get-go when you describe the weather and, instead of just saying 'It was a hot day', use the heat to take us around the town and into the lives of its inhabitants as they respond to it, you set the scene very well indeed. Further snippets of background and description that do nothing to help the story along but which give us the surroundings again and again further serve to strengthen and deepen our sense of time and place, the character of the town and the characters of its people.

The storyline is simple, albeit with at least one unexpected twist. No complaints there - the descriptive writing carries it well. It needs no more bangs and crashes than it already has. The story is painful and touching and works with the emotions more than anything. The lack of any great level of dramatisation isn't a loss to the work, it'd be overdoing it. The same storyline could work as a thriller with a few more dramatic moments well-played, but in their absence you tell a strong story instead which, given my own tastes, is what I'm looking for.

However, insofar as that moves the work from genre- and into literary-fiction some elements don't deliver as well as they should. I feel the work needs another 5,000 words or so of character development, important interactions between characters missed and situations inadequately set up. The story at times has a tendency to drift into the sketchy, both in the way situations are set up and in the way that characters and their relationships are portrayed. Though this is my most severe criticism of the work it's not so severe that it stops the work reading well and engagingly; as it stands it's a good book. A little more rigour in this area, however, and it could be markedly better.

This has a rich and wonderful flavour that is totally absorbing. I'm sorry if that sounds pretentious and flowery, but that's the way it strikes me. The oppressive heat, the dust, the sweat, the constant shrill of cicadas, the circling of buzzards, the rolling cadence of Southern speech - it all wraps itself around the slow unfolding of conflict and bigotry until one seems to magnify the other. Every character is alive and unique. Your writing has a beautiful sense of rhythm that's rare these days, and sets you apart. I'm only at CH8 so far, but that's more than enough to back it, and i'll be back to finish reading later.

Cicada.
An atmospheric cover, and succinct pitches, with a title which perhaps could be briefly explained somewhere in the pitch?
I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert.

Ch.1. A breath-catching opening. But that's a mighty long first sentence in the second paragraph. Maybe if you broke it up, the reader would be less confused?
Then you abandon the drama and delve into nature, which is a good informative contrast. You describe so well the intricacies of life of the cicada and the mocking-bird.
But the drama isnt abandoned - clever.

Ch.2. You paint a great picture of the cat and the mockingbirds. But you switch scenes too quickly and completely. While I'm chuckling over the cat, I'm straight away confronted by the shouting minister in the pulpit.
But I enjoy your humour, and you do retain the link of the birds, to stitch the scenes together.

Ch.3. Love that scene of the tractor bullying the earth.
If you just referred to Timothy - David - Buckshot - Sayre by one name, perhaps this reader wouldnt get so confused...
You stray briefly between POVs when she takes the milk.
And perhaps you dont need both the sudden and the unexpected adjectives when John Sayre makes his entrance.
Just a little point: if they're eating scrambled eggs, why is there a smell of fried eggs in the air - or have I missed something?
Your writing gets better and better, describing the comfortable exchanges between the family members, with bits of back story and farm life to consolidate the story.

Ch.4. You're a fine observer of character, and have an easy style.
Then you provide a gory picture of what Bo Taylor has in store for the future - just like that. You pull it off well.
A delightful detail - Casey paining his boney rear on a pecan nut and reaching under with a grimace to pull it free.
I think you mean the days left in the school year dragged by.

You have a habit of letting out little secrets - like Miss K's pregnancy - when there's no apparent reason... would it not be better technique to tantalise the reader, perhaps with faint nausea or such-like, and then reveal the reason at a more significant time? But that's only a suggestion.

Another cumbersome sentence creeps in. (A suggestion:). 'Mr. C disappeared under the steaming hood while the children fidgeted in the stifling confines of the bus.'
And do you really need the subsequent sentence?
And would Mr. Clem really have let Buckshot go for help on his own I wonder?

I'll leave you with that macabre ending. But will be back for more. Your story grows on me - it's well written, and when edited and smoothed (we all have to do it), will become a first class read.

Jane (Breath of Africa).

Hi there.....just read your first two chapters. Excellent writing and I am so looking forward to reading more...backed and starred! Best wishes....Ruby

Out of all the books you’ve got up for review, this caught my attention the most. I like the pitch and think it works well. I hadn’t intended to look at your words so closely, but I thought the opening intriguing and very evocative and gripped by what you are working on, and found myself looking at your paragraphs line by line in a deeper level, because it is clear you care about your work.

Your first paragraph is excellent. That said, I don’t think you need ‘that’ there.

I think if you work on your phrasing a little bit more, it will help present some of your ideas better. The voice is clearly here and as I said the opening paragraph works well, but then you start to go sideways with the next.

I think with the second paragraph you need the ‘long’ after ‘wrestling’ unless it is a manner of speaking where you are from. Also that first sentence is very awkward in its construction and I think the first clause should read – “After wrestling long with what he came to do in that lonely place, “ although from that point on, I got a little lost with the meaning. I see it is in literary fiction, a genre I read, but have read it a few times and I’m lost and I personally think if you break the thoughts up a little into a couple of sentences at least, it might help.

With “He had already murdered ect” you don’t need that ‘had’ – ‘already” implies ‘had’ – you also don’t need the comma between “small” and “dark”

The third short paragraph again is brilliant.

Just a few thoughts – hope something helps. Good luck with it.

first off, please forgive any typos as I'm using the iPad ...

I wasn't sure if I'd enjoy this, but I did and to echo other comments, I totally agree with the Steinbeck comparisons. I studied Of Mice and Men for a module of my English course and whilst I loved the book ... I prefer yours. I connected with at least three of your characters and genuinely felt for them. I disagree with some of the comments about the story being slow in places. I think it's pitched perfectly. I think you're a very economical writer, not one word wasted and each sentence crafted to perfection.

Really enjoyed and rated highly. thank you.
read over the course of an evening and morning

Wow. Powerful opening. Love the voice. The metaphor of the mockingbirds attacking the black crow is interesting. I'm a sucker for novels about the south during this time period.

Will put it on my shelf when I can rearrange things. If you don't see it soon, you are welcome to message me.

I love the rural Southern atmosphere here. You bring the setting alive and give it an ominous feel. Your writing style fits literary fiction nicely.

I have a hard time connecting with the opening of the story where he has a gun in his mouth. Certainly I feel sympathy for him but it makes him seem more pathetic than charismatic as a major character. It does make me wonder what happens next so that's good.

I'm impressed by your writing and I expect that you will get published one day. I'll back it.

Brian Bandell
Mute

Always a pleasure to read a first chapter so full of confident, flowing and skilled descriptiveness. What I always look out for in a writer is an ability to write with an easy rhythm (as a music teacher, I see similarities between good writing and good musical composition). The description of the cicada (which I'd previously never heard of) was wonderful, and helped massively to creating the uneasy atmosphere of the environment.

Really good writing, and fully deserving of its literary fiction tag.

Really enjoyed the chapters I read of Cicada. You are a prolific writer and if the other two novels you have posted are as enjoyable as this then I am sure they are hits! You really write well. Much better than I.

Em.

Nicely written.
Got a bit muddled about who was where after people walked out of church, (that could just be my tiredness :)
Don't know whether I'll read on - simply cos it's not my thing - but I enjoyed what I have read. Thanks.

First, let me say that I think the cover for this is amazing. I'd definitely put it in the top five of covers on Authonomy. It's gorgeous and fits the book well, I think.

As for the book itself, I love it. The beginning is great. The rich descriptions and slow pacing are perfect for your setting. They tell us so much before a word of dialogue is ever spoken. I've only read four chapters so far, but the characters are realistic and I really like how everything's being set up. I look forward to reading more.

My only questions about it are very small ones, of course. They're only about punctuation and such. I haven't read through your comments, so I apologize if I'm repeating what others have said.


Chapter One

The semicolons before "a little deserted island of half-assed explanation" and "a pitiful inheritance" in that same paragraph don't seem right to me. They aren't independent clauses. It's the same thing later on with the sentence introducing the pool hall. Have you considered using em dashes in those places instead?

"Only two creatures reveled in the heat, the mockingbirds and the cicadas." I'd suggest an em dash instead of the comma here. The way it's written, it sort of seems like there are two creatures that revel in those three things.

"An inch-long piece of scat smashed a little from each end and festooned with great fly-like eyes, wings, and six spindly legs; miniature green and brown monstrosities." Neither of the two parts separated by the semicolon are independent. Also, you go from speaking of it as singular, then plural. To help with both of these things, I'd suggest something like:

"Inch-long pieces of scat smashed a little from each end and festooned with great fly-like eyes, and six spindly legs, they are miniature green and brown monstrosities."

or maybe:

"It's an inch-long piece of scat smashed a little from each end and festooned with great fly-like eyes, wings, and six spindly legs—a miniature green and brown monstrosity."

1950's The apostrophe here is unnecessary. I'd suggest only using apostrophes in plurals when there's a chance of the meaning being misunderstood without them (like when you're talking about the letter i, you'd put "i's" instead of "is"). There's no chance of "1950s" being misunderstood without the apostrophe. Some people consider the apostrophe there acceptable, but pretty much everyone considers the other way acceptable. It might be best not to risk people being taken away from the story for a moment, wondering what the apostrophe is there for.


Chapter Two

I'd change "come hell or high-water britches" to "come-hell-or-high-water britches" Since the phrase "come hell or high-water" is used as a single adjective here. I probably wouldn't have the comma or the quotation marks there since you're not quoting a specific person.

"The road back home was hardly that at all." I don't really understand this. It wasn't what? I feel like I missed something here.

"I don't blame the Kanes one bit, do you?" I'd use a semicolon here instead of the comma.


Chapter Three

"As a result, he'd fallen behind and begun working after supper sometimes late into the night." I'd add a comma after "supper."

"She put the cereal bowl, spoon and milk in front..." I'd add a comma after spoon. It's a matter of personal preference, of course, but you use the Oxford comma up to this point. I'd continue it for the sake of consistency.

"Bo was gonna beat 'em just fer..." "'em" should be "'im" since it's for of "him" instead of "them."
It's the same in the "But his daddy..." sentence.

"...once brunette hair..." There should be a hyphen between "once" and "brunette" since it's being used as a single adjective.



Chapter Four

"...all of his less than spectacular traits and talents..." "less than spectacular" should be hyphenated.

"Casey spent a few seconds mouthing the pecan to crack in between his teeth before giving up and throwing is in Bo's direction." It seems like "is" should be "it."

"He decided that if his secret was so well kept..." "Well kept" should be hyphenated.

"Mama said it were somebody what don't like the coloreds." I'm guessing "what" should be "that." Maybe it's supposed to be "what," though; I'm not sure.

"Fifth and six-graders..." six/sixth Again, I'm not sure if this is a typo or if you meant for the character to say it that way.

"Or we can open our Readers..." Should "Readers" by capitalized?

"...her ever-so pointed chin." I'd add another hyphen between "so" and "pointed."

"...giving Bo their much prized marbles." "much prized" should be hyphenated.

"For Casey's sake their attention's would soon be diverted." Should be "attentions."

"The buzzards, the very ones he and Casey had watched from the playground earlier, paid him no mind." I'd set that middle part between em dashes instead of commas.

Yes, I'm here and have read the opening. Still under a pile of kids so can't read more or comment in detail. But I have to say, through slightly gritted teeth seeing as how I was coerced mercilessly to drop by in the first place, that it's a strikingly good opening. Very well written and it immediately drew me in.

I've watch listed it and will rate it with lots of lovely stars.
Now you can stop being outraged. ;)
Ruth.

Ps. Ok, I was just kidding re: the gritted teeth.

CICADA - my first thoughts are that this has a great title and strong cover. (I wish this wasn't how I choose books to read on here, but it often is). So far, I'm only one chapter in. I'm curious to read on, but not entirely hooked. I think your opening paragraphs are terrific, however. They have so much impact. After this, the narrative drifts a little; it feels as if you are trying to be too rich and give too much detail. For myself, I find punchy, to the point prose is the most effective.

Have you considered breaking after the note? It would make a great prologue. Then moving into the context and detail in the chapter might feel like less of a change in style.

On my watchlist with a view to read on when I can... best of luck.

Eric,
Before I start, the comments below are in no way intended to curry favour, nor are they designed to persuade you to give a reciprocal read to me – they are my genuine opinion. It is important for me that you know that.
It took me awhile to get to your book – time constraints, you know how it is - but now that I have, oh boy, this is a cut above the norm in so many ways.
You at once have an arresting style, right from word one. Your command and use of language is first class and each sentence is so thoroughly powerful that I read the first few paragraphs again and again. Clear as Catfish waters – the taste of the gun barrel, not wanting to leave a mess yet not considering the impact on his family – just wonderfully observed and mighty fine writing.
From there you paint the era of the 1950’s, the blistering heat and of course, the Cicada with evocative and purposeful prose. Never overblown yet never understated, the world unfolds as if one were stood in Melby itself watching the world and those within it skate by them. The further imagery of the Mockingbird in contrast to the Cicada, they way in which you humanise those images and tie them into the way people are perceived, all of it magical.
I have only read through chapter one (twice) I am not rushing this; I truly do want to read all of it. When I have read more, I will comment further but for now, I must congratulate you on a simply breathtaking read.

Rob

Chap 4

“Damnanigans” is the coolest word. Ever.

Crooner serenaded a his long lost lover= his

Might be better to say:

With a piston rod through the block…

“That motor’s as useless as tits on a boar,” Buckshot reported to Casey (we’ll assume where buckshot picked it up, but it’d help to avoid the repetition so soon)

You know how to end a chapter

Chap 3
Slows down a bit at the end before perking up with a heavy note of sympathy. Again, well done. No nits.

CHAP 2

“But they’re ganging up on ‘em”—‘im (shortened him, not them)

Love the ‘ceiling fan’ bit in the church. Awesome. I have been to such congregations and know that swelter.

You pull off omniscient voice amazingly—either that or you head-hop so much and so prettily that I don’t care. Well done.

Oo, also well done on the conversation at the end. Good ground work for the Klan in your pitch. She says something, he avoids, they both agree the boy can’t go into town with him… Nice.

CHAP 1

Center the note on the passenger seat

Damn, you write dialect perdy.

“small community of Melby with an azure weight”. So pretty I want to cry, then you keep following it up with more
pretty phrases—even about ugly things like the intolerable blanket of heat.

Wow, you must have smaller cicadas. The one’s we have in Indy are closer to two inches

The sudden Audobon entries for mockingbirds and cicadas jar from the stellar beginning. A man had a gun in his mouth, Eric. I wanna know more about him.

Then you leave off with a hanging body and a crow… perking up again already. Great stuff here

Hi Eric,
I’m afraid I’ll have to pass on the opening pars. Try as I have I can’t feel comfortable with them. I think I’ve studied them too long and lost all spontaneity in my reaction.
It’s an odd experience to have such a problem with two pars while enjoying the rest of the book so much.
Since I’ve commented in the past about the elements of the intro that bother me I have nothing constructive to add on that topic, so I searched further & discovered the introduction of the darker strain in chapter nine.
I think this element lifts John’s torment from the level of simpleminded to that of credible depth of character.
Personally I would have introduced this aspect as a gentle insinuation to begin with, a suggestion to raise the question in the reader’s mind, in the style of John Le Carré, & later revealed the ‘whole’ truth, piecemeal & subtly. [I know that’s easy to say but damned hard to execute]
But to deal with it as it is I’d suggest it be watered down a little –less sledgehammer & more finesse?
Perhaps:

The truth of the matter was that John Sayre wasn’t dealing with the mere guilt of a hunting accident. He had loved his brother, yes, but he also at times had despised him; upon occasion he’d fallen bitterly jealous of him. John was forever in his brother’s shadow and knew he forever [always] would be. The little brother.
Their father swelled when he talked of Walter. There seemed none of that left over for John. The little brother. Girls looked past John.[him] He was invisible behind the handsome and dashing Walter Sayre; he was
lost in his big brother’s shadow. Walter the one who could do no wrong. Walter
who had died such in such a senseless, tragic accident. But, no, not an [accident]
accidently entirely. For [only] John knew the whole story regarding his brother’s
death. The whole truth. He had never admitted that he had shoved his brother.
No, he’d not even come that far clean. Even worse, he’d spent years lying to
himself, agreeing with the others…what a senseless, tragic accident. But in a
far corner of his heart and the dark recesses of his mind the truth was always
there.The truth was John [He] had seen those yellow jackets first, all along. The
truth was he [and] knew Walter was allergic to them. The truth was he had shoved his
brother Walter into them…on purpose.

[two instances of ‘brother’s shadow’ & ‘little brother’ above & too many ‘truths’ –Too much repetition, tautology, pleonasm. In my humble opinion.]

Dunno what it is about you & Cicada that that keeps pulling me back into your web. I haven’t spent this much time on a novel since I was a student. I think maybe you’re ‘The Webspinner’ rather than me!
That’s it for tonight. Reading on.
Regards,
Clive.

The opening-suicide a brilliant start! What really goes through a person's mind right before the moment... It writing and descriptions are wonderful! And to end the chapter with a man swinging in a tree, leaves you wanting to read on... Very well done. I have to go back and read more!
Red

First of all I was completely drawn in by your pitch. You write a great hook and I can't imagine an agent not being interested after reading that.

Your first chapter is nearly perfect, from the gripping opening to the very literary descriptions of the area's flaura and fauna, to the even more compelling hook at the end, I'm not only impressed with the subject matter but blown away by the confident prose.

Highly starred and I will back when I can.

- Rena (Bunderful) authorof Master of the Miracles

you have a good writing style- energetic with excellent flow. an interesting plot to within a fascinating backdrop...
on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

Minor matters first:
1. I’m amazed to discover there are still punctuation errors in Webspinner, if only periods. This has been read 50 times & you still found periods! I’ll have to get a better grammar checker.
2. Your latest suggestions re my opening are valid. Actually the prison breakout was my original opening but I was seduced by the chatter that “Thrillers have to hook the reader with ‘action’ on their opening lines” so I re-arranged the chapter sequence. I’ll look at this again.

On Cicada –
1. Your opening pars have caused me more thought than I’ve usually given to whole books. Frankly your opening is like a burr under my saddle; a pebble in my jogging shoes.
Like Cerro… ‘I just can't help feeling this is inches away from brilliance.’ But you’re not there yet.

2. The 1st two pars are intensely aggravating & out of sync with the ease/simplicity of the rest of the book. I thought of Mark Twain having a sudden rush of blood to the head and inserting something philosophical into ‘Huckleberry Finn’ just to demonstrate that he was not just a simple storyteller.
Twain’s depth came through from his content, not phony philosophizing.

I can see why you like ‘How considerate the completely selfish can be.’ because it counterpoints consideration & selfishness. The concept is admirable but the expression of it here is deficient, because it ‘paints’ the suicidal mind as universally selfish, which is not true, for the reasons I’ve mentioned earlier.
Because this is an authorial aside you are implicitly applying a universal truth to an isolated incident i.e. John Sayre.
What you are really saying is how considerate a self-obsessed mind can sometimes
be.

Re ‘distorted mind’ - I think Cerro’s concerns have merit – He suggested:
"How distorted the portrait of reality can become when painted by the suicidal mind."
or "when seen through the lens of the suicidal mind."
I think ‘Cerro’ has cracked this problem of the distorted mind. He brought it back to Sayre’s specific problem, rather than an author’s comment on the whole human condition.
-The gun oil causing him to pause still sounds phoney, for reasons I’ve already mentioned. Why not give the real reason for the delay and say – ‘A flicker of movement in the rear vision mirror, quite close, jolted him back to the world he was about to leave. Involuntary shame made him stuff the gun under the seat and look back.’

Nor do I see why you cling to John’s car being parked ‘on the side of the road’ since when you pick this up later in chapter ten it is not consistent, it was actually parked ‘askew.’ Equally why bother about … ‘blowing out the rear window’ when the main image here his consideration about others cleaning up his brains from the upholstery? One image here of John’s consideration for others keeps it clean and simple. The rear window is just unnecessary verbiage.
This stuff about gun oil & rear window is just extraneous words that detract from the central drama of the impending suicide. If you want to pad it out for atmosphere have a couple of vultures circling overhead etc. As it is these extra words simply detract from the punch of the opening.

To sum up all the above I suggest:
‘Seated in his pickup truck with a pistol in his mouth, Sayre considered getting out of the cab. The thought of someone having to clean up the pulp of his brain from the upholstery was somehow distasteful.
‘A flicker of movement in the rear vision mirror, quite close, jolted him back to the world he was about to leave. Involuntary shame made him stuff the gun under the seat and look back.’ [This makes us wonder who he saw, and explains why he paused, far more convincingly than ‘gun oil’- and it connects logically with chapter ten.]
Then just move straight on to- “On the seat beside him….
This makes it all clean and simple, but if you really want to insert the ‘distorted mind’ bit then Cerro’s contribution is excellent.
I really would drop the authorial philosophising in the first two pars. It is embarrassingly designed to draw attention to the author, rather than his creation.
Enough for now.

Strong hook straight away,hanged man,drawing the reader in.An execellent start,and can I say very well written and very well informed about wilidlife in the Southern USA!Just one point - I think you must indicate what part of the South Melby is in - very important point and to say it as early as possible,also the year should be established straightaway - although the decade is mentioned later on,backed,Strachan Gordon.Would you have a look at my book,'A Buccaneer' about Pirates in the 17th century,

Eric, once I read your forum post re ‘If your skin was any thinner we’d be able watch you digest your anger’ I had to check out your work. Some lines command respect.
Firstly I have to say that I agree with virtually all the comments on your work that I’ve read – in essence but not in detail. No, that is not a contradiction.

I had a big problem with the opening two paragraphs and almost dumped the book there as I expected that what followed was going to be superficial pop psychology. The immediate thing that jarred was ‘how considerate the completely selfish can be.’
This really riled me. Anyone determined to end their own life is not ‘selfish’ – they are simply subject to intense personal pain. To suggest they should live on through an endless personal hell, just for other people, is cruel & unrealistic. When you are older & your quality of life is zilch you’ll change your mind about this.
Some people’s lives are hell on earth, and they deserve the right to terminate their own suffering. I can’t agree at all that the portrait of reality painted by a suicidal mind is necessarily distorted. Thousands of obviously rational people have chosen to end their lives eg Arthur Koestler & his wife.
I believe that the Bible-bashing God-botherers have a distorted view of reality that will be suddenly rationalized overnight when the time comes that they realize there is nothing that can be done to alleviate their own, personal, pain. I suspect they’ll find some scripture somewhere to justify their own suicide.
If you study the Good Book sufficiently you’ll find exoneration for every sin ever committed.

My humble suggestion for the opening par is:

“Seated in his pickup truck on an isolated country road the man considered getting out of the vehicle to spare others the trauma of cleaning up the pulp of his brain from the upholstery. [Perhaps here – ‘He’d read somewhere that Hemingway had blown his head all over his kitchen walls while his wife slept upstairs & had always felt contempt for the selfishness that involved’] Pushed to the point of death by a no longer endurable pain he still had a final thought for others.
I would drop the next two lines as nobody has ever decided to abort suicide because of the taste of gun oil. Particularly people who have grown up with the taste of gun oil on their fingertips, and end the par with: “On the seat beside him…”

The writing is excellent; limpid, evocative & seemingly effortless - & only a writer knows how much effort it takes to reach that stage. So ignore all comments to the contrary as there has never been a writer who pleased everyone. There will always be people who nitpick about details of style, syntax, voice etc just to hopefully display their erudition or critical acumen. Others are born with the character defect of simply being incapable of open admiration.
Equally there is the inevitable subjective aspect i.e. one man’s meat is another man’s poison. There are dozens of famous authors whose work bores me to distraction; there are others I regard as demigods whose work is dismissed with casual disdain.

One commentator summed up your problem with Authonomites perfectly:”…- but I bet some people have criticized the first chapter because nothing happens etc. That is the Authonomy perspective – since a lot of people only read one chapter & want everything to happen in it.” Spot on RossClark1981.

Some say there was too much info about cicadas & mockingbirds. I can see where both you & they are coming from. I think this stuff is fine personally, I also appreciate the relaxed approach, but I felt it should have been interspersed with a little more ‘action’ The story really does take a bit too much time to reach the point of generating the necessary questions in the reader’s mind to keep them reading on for the answers.
I thought most of the comments from the Brutal Honesty group were more about fulfilling their proclaimed mandate than being objective.
To paraphrase Descarte’s ‘Cogito ergo sum’: “I criticize, therefore I am.” Although to be fair some of them did acknowledge some of Cicada’s merits.
To me most of the comments have essential merit because most praise your writing, and most lament the lack of ‘action’ i.e the getting to grips with the basic story.
To me both these things are true. Personally I would rearrange the chapters to acknowledge your ‘action’ critics and bring back some of the earlier chapters as flashbacks or memories.
But I’m damned if I’d change the writing. I only wish I had your writing talent & ear for dialogue.
So: Writing 6 stars. Structure 4 stars. I’m ranking this 5 stars & backing it in the hope you review the opening two pars.
With great respect,
Lavois.

Cicada

(Based on chapters 1-5)

My first impression was that we have a great feel for the setting. We know the place inside out, get right into the earth of it - literally later on. The first chapter takes us through the place and meeting its inhabitants in lyrical prose with an almost dream-like quality. I make a point of never reading previous comments on a book before reading or before writing my own opinions - because I don’t want it to skew my impressions – but I’ll bet some people have criticized the first chapter, saying that nothing happens etc. That is the authonomy perspective – since a lot of people only read one chapter they want everything to happen in it. But I think the average reader who sits down intending to read a whole book is far more patient and would allow themselves to be drawn in and taken away by the poetic prose and strong images carrying them throughout the chapter. I liked it.

The only thing I did wonder was about the very strong beginning paragraph and end one. Just because having two such shocking images felt a bit like bookends to the chapter, both sucking some of the power from the images and making the chapter feel as bit as if running to a set structure. I wondered if the part about Raymond Stout would have packed more of a punch if it had come in later on.

The dialogue was something else that left a mark on me. If felt genuine and also a lyrical in its own way. I could definitely hear the southern accents as I read.

The themes build up strongly. The image of pushing one’s brother – a split second decision with huge ramifications that you can never take back – and the guilt that follows it was a theme that interested me a lot, set me in a mood and made me feel for the character.

Then the issues of bigotry hiding behind religion were fantastically displayed and stoked a lot of emotion in me. I cheered on the guy who stood up and ushered his family out of church, and I gritted my teeth and grew infuriated with Joshua, his preaching and his bigotry.

‘It made him comfortable to stand over people while he talked down to them.’

You know just the right buttons to press to get the reader riled up. Joshua – I hate that sanctimonious bastard.

Strong writing all the way through that I very much enjoyed.

All the best with it,

Ross

Eric, I couldn't put your book down. This touching story about prejudism is one to be savored. The descriptions are beautiful and lush. I'm in Canada with snow still on the ground, yet while reading this I was transported south to the town of Melby and its sweltering heat, a welcome relief from my reality. Your writing is superb. Yes, perhaps as some have commented, the action is slow, but for me it mirrored the pace of southern life in the throngs of a heat wave. Thank you for a wonderful afternoon's read. I'm giving you six stars rigt away and a place on my bookshelf very soon. Carol

Eric, this is an absolutely fantastic story. I was hooked from the beginning. It's on my watchlist and will be backed very soon. This should be published, most definitely! Carol

BH Crit Group

Plot – Two chapters is all I could manage. So far the plot has not shown up. There is writing here, and while it is effectively descriptive, it isn't making me want to read more. Constructive comment: Let's have more action.

Pacing – Too slow. In the space of two chapters we have one suicide that didn't happen and the brief glimpse of a body. Nothing else. Nice little pastiche of country hickville, but nothing that makes me want to read on. Constructive comment, let's get on with it. Postcards are fine, but we need action.

Characters/Characterization: Seems fine. But I don't care about them. And because I don't care about them I don't want to read on.

Point of View/Voice: Two different things. POV all fine. Technically perfect. Well narrated, just rather dull. Voice wise there is nothing here that stands up and says here is a unique writer, it all seem very ordinary. Nothing wrong with it, but nothing special at the same time. I think there is writing talent here, but it's not grabbing me. Early action would be good. A fascinating voice would be good. INteresting characters would be good. But I'd read the first few pages of this in the bookshop and put it back on the shelf. Grab me! The book may get going eventually. Fine. Delete the first few chapters.

Style – The style is perfectly fine, but undistinguished. There is no voice here. It reads exactly as if it were written according to the standard instructions on how to write a novel. Nothing you could say was wrong with it. But that's not why I buy books.

Sentence level – Similar to above. The sentences are all fine. They show a mastery of grammar. What they don't show is any style, there is nothing about the author in here. Where is the personality?
Dialogue - Goes with sentence level comments. Nothing wrong. Nothing great.
Originality - I get the impression of an unjust killing and moralising about mockingbirds... I think it's been done. Maybe the story does turn into something unique. But I can't get there.
Publishability - My definition of publishable quality is simply error free. And what I've read so far is error free. In that respect the first two chapters are publishable. Marketability is a very different matter. An on spec buyer will read the first two chapters and put it back on the shelf, so right now a publisher wouldn't touch it. Maybe everything picks up later. Remember I have only read two chapters, and neither of them makes me want to read more. Why not get rid of them. Get the action front and centre. Make me want to read chapter three.

There you go. Brutal honesty. You can write, you can paint a picture. Make it interesting. At least have some action threading through the first two chapters. Birdwatching is interesting for a paragraph or two. Maximum.

Hi Eric, I saw you asked for Brutally Honest feedback so I ran over eager to offer my assistance. :)
Your Pitch: (i'm going to go into more detail here because I feel like your pitch was the weakest part of what I read and I'm not sure if its just what you are using for this site or what you are sending to agents)
The sentence "By the time their young son discovers the corpse of a lynched black man along the side of a nearby dirt road, Frances Sayre has had enough." Seems a little disjointed. I think horrified or despairing or appalled would be more appropriate sentiments than "had enough." To me, murderous and KKK is redundant and takes the impact out of para 2 sentence 1. I would say Black instead of African American because that is both the preferred term PC-wise these days, plus it suits the tone of your narrative better.

The Book.
You write beautifully. I'm sure you know that. The sentences are fluid and the narrative is strong. But it is a little too much. The pea shucking, and the quilt making are both beautiful and vivid. But the reader doesn't need both of those images to have sense of where we are. The cicada is ugly, and scat, and monstrous. As much as I see the truth of these images and the skill with which they are being conveyed, you are slowing me down. Where is the action? Where are the characters. We were with John for a minute and then it was all scenery for the rest of chapter one. In my opinion for a first time novel that's just not going to work. I saw another critique compared you to John Steinbeck (at least I think they meant John Steinbeck) and I definitely see what they meant. But for me to push through this much prose in Chapter one, you would literally have to be Steinbeck or you've lost me. As Stephen King says, "kill your darlings."

Brutally Honest Group: Cicada

This one is hard one. This is not my type of book I would read, but it pulled me in. You have a great skill for writing and hope I can offer anything good that will help.

Plot/Pacing: I'm not sure of the plot except for the pitch, which gives me a glimpse of it. The first chapter of any book is like the first ten minutes of a movie. You have to introduce characters, antagonists (man ,nature, etc) , mood, tone, theme -- at least as much as possible.

You brought me in with the man about to commit suicide, good hook to keep me interested. You set the mood and tone with the narrative description, though with a mix of being exposition. I think the pacing was good up until the details of the Cicada and Mockingbirds. The flow of the first chapter was slowed for me by their information. It felt like I was reading a text book, perhaps if you can find a smoother way of inserting the information, in bits maybe.

Chapters 2 and 3 were a great pacing for me and really kept me interested, this is how it should be in the first chapter. More dramatic scenes to pull readers in without slowing, then add the details as the story progresses.

Character/Characterization: I believe you captured both character and characterization wonderfully, especially in chapter three with the Frances and Buckshot.

Point of View/Voice: I definitely see omniscient POV, especially since there is no one around to see the mockingbirds and their bold character taking place. I think you have a good voice as the author and with the ability to define and separate the voice in each character individually.

I could only find a few instances where you might have placed author intrusion, or giving us more information from the POV of a focused character than they should know. Or maybe it was just me getting lost in the POV, such as in the church. Who is the focused POV character when we learn that the priest having massive gambling debts?

Sentence Level: Every now and then I was thrown off and had to reread a few miss placed modifiers, but nothing that can't be fixed by having a proof reader.

Dialogue: Great dialogue, you captured the characters own voices well and I could distinguish them easily. No complaints.

Publishability: Since this is not the type of story I would read, I would say it has great potential, it kept me intrigued.

Once again, this was a hard one for me to find fault, I liked the way you kept me stuck on the story, which left me to try and look for nit picks.

- William

Cicada is a very fine story - what I have read of it, the first several chapters, then dipping and skimming to the last one read in full. One day, I hope, I shall read it in book form and at leisure. I certainly deserves it. You catch the heaviness of heat and impending poverty and all the underlying social stresses which are whipped up within this Southern rural community in a way I cannot remember seeing before.

Are you hawking it round the agents yet? I think it is ready, beautifully written, carefully crafted and edited. Although fairly short I think it would be acceptable - and don't be tempted to 'pad it out' because that is always visible. This is very much a story that is 'as long as it is meant to be'. I shall star highly and shelve it very soon.

Good luck. Margaret Woodward : The Devil's Bairn

Mr. Laing, here is my BH group critique of your work. Most of what others have said I agree with....The short pitch is catchy but the long pitch seems too narrow after reading the book. The first chapter starts out great and then gets tangled up with adjectives, birds, bugs and lazy people. Before the end of the third chapter, I had envisioned John as being a younger man than 41.
Plot - excellent but maybe reduce the descriptions a little...at least for me
Pacing - Bang! and then we spend a couple of chapters finding out about birds, bugs and a bully.
Characters - I had a mental picture of these people from the begining (wrong on the father).
Style - I think the story is great, but I want less description and my imagination to work harder ie; last paragraph 4th chapter - second sentence too descriptive, third sentence not important, last sentence AWESOME!
The dialogue is wonderful and very realistic....I think. The characters and the story aren't original, but the telling is. Should this and could this be a saleable book.....Most Definitely. Good Luck! Rick Carter-Squire, Jack, I Am.

From the Brutal Honesty Group

Hiya Eric,

Firstly, let me say that I really enjoyed reading your novel. I think with a bit of editing it has fabulous potential. 'To kill a Mockingbird' is one one of my all time favourite books and you have a text to rival it it theme, character, mood and setting - and outstrip it in literary merit.

However, I still think that you have a fair bit of editing to do.

Here are my notes:
Chapter One
'the portrait of reality is' - awkward grammar. Consider reversing the word order of this sentence.

At the beginning of the third paragraph, the chronology shifts too much: 'Leading up to that day...' is a sweeping statement - could it be cut?

You have far too many extraneous phrase that distract from the flow of your narrative: 'That worked out just as well though...' 'It was their only proof that the harsh climate hadn't done them in...' 'Furthermore...' 'at the very least...' 'Above the hounds meanwhile...' 'or such.'

I found the information about the relative laziness of the menfolk mostly unnecessary and the authorial voice slightly intruding. I love your description and would have been happy just to have been treated to that; I'll make my own mind up about the clientele of these various establishments when your narrative takes me there. In addition to this, I think that the two paragraphs about the women and the dogs are too 'passive' and could have been combined into one. Try something like:
'Panting dogs dug into the relatively cool earth beneath the porches. Above their pathetic whines of discomfort, the perspiring women shucked corn or shelled peas for meal which didn't require a [lit] stove. Appetites waned as the mercury waxed.'

As other reviewers have commentated, you give far too much information about both the mockingbirds and the cicadas. The Mockingbird description sounded like it had come straight from a RSPB guide book: 'Other than the male having a wee more heft, the male and female are identical.'

By this time my attention had begun to wander a bit and I was becoming impatient to get back to the story of the suicidal man.

You also used the word 'thing' twice which sounded childish.

Having said all that, though, I thought that the ending to Chapter One was masterly. With some rigorous editing, this could be an outstanding first chapter.

Chapter Two

There was too much extraneous information at the beginning of this chapter about the name of the boy and the name of the beans. Much to my confusion, although you tell us he was called Buckshot by most people you continually refer to him as Timothy or Timmy. I would suggest that you stick to Buckshot (your reader will soon pick up that his parents use his Sunday name.) However, I enjoyed the dialogue between the boy and his mother and quickly came to like your mc.

You use the word 'cat' twice in one sentence - pronoun needed.

The scene in the chapel was very evocative and well done. However, the mention of the ministers gambling debts was too much authorial intrusion into the scene - and not conducive with Buckshot's point of view. There were also too many references to 'pants' of varying sorts.

However, I felt that you were really getting into your stride with this chapter and your skill at creating both character and tension through dialogue is superb.

Despite all my criticisms, I think that 'Cicada' is one of the most enjoyable books I have read on here and I intend to both star it highly and back it. To be honest, Eric, I think you and I share many of the same faults as writers - and I'm only being as hard on you as I usually am on myself.

Yours sympathetically,
Susanna
'Catching the Eagle'

CIRCADA Bh review
I read the first two chapters of this. It’s an interesting look at the old south.
PLOT & PACING. Chapter One begins with a real “hook”: a man about to kill himself. And I realize, because it’s the title, the Circadas need to be described at some point, but I wonder if that needs to be done in such detail in this first chapter. When you pull back from the truck to describe the birds and the insects, you lose a lot of drama and punch. The church scene in Chapter two is well done; a good way to introduce both characters and the community as a whole.
CHARACTERS: You have a knack for being able to describe characters in just a few words. Brings them to life immediately.
STYLE: The style of this is consistent with the way of life of these people: lazy and smooth.
SENTENCE LEVEL: This isn’t the fastest read but that’s okay. Each description is interesting.
DIALOGUE: Feels authentic for the period.
Originality: There are a lot of “old south” books out there but you’re able to create such interesting characters, this has an original feel, not just another book about southern injustice.
PUBLISHABILITY. There’s always a market out there for this type of book. One to pick up on a hot summer day and lose yourself in another time and place. So, yes, I think it’s publishable. I certainly enjoyed it.

Brutal Honesty Group:

Chapter 1 starts strongly. The man with the gun who worries about creating a mess is a nice touch. It's an engaging opening.

You establish the oppressive heat and get across a good idea of the setting, but then this seemed to drag on for a while. I felt like you made your point and then just kept going. I would suggest a little trimming.

The mention of cicada and the mockingbird, while sort of interesting, didn't seem to be related to anything in particular, not even each other. Obviously the book is called Cicada , so you probably have to mention them at some point, but to be honest it felt a bit crowbarred in here. You then go on to mention the mockingbird's fighting with the crow, and while this is nicely done and the reveal of the body well handled, the way you get from the description of mockingbirds in general to the two birds protecting their territory seemed unrelated. I don't really think you need all that setup and if you were to take out or greatly reduce the background information on birds and insects, I think it would make for a more flowing and faster paced read. You may of course prefer the slower buildup. I realise there are numerous mentions of both cicada and mockingbirds throughout the story and that they have a symbolic role to play, but it felt a bit heavy-handed at times.

Overall the first chapter did a good job of setting the scene and providing two intriguing elements in the possible suicide and rotting corpse. I would suggest starting with John, going on to describing the heat, maybe in a more streamlined fashion, then dealing with the two birds fighting off the crow, and maybe mentioning some information on mockingbirds within that, and ending with the reveal of the body. The thing that feels out of place is the insect stuff.

I wasn't sure about starting the second chapter with two birds again. It felt a bit jarring to have what I assume are the same pair of birds appear consecutively like that. You might consider changing the order of scenes. You then bring up crows again in the sermon, just after you've had the cat threatening a nest. It felt a bit convoluted and might be better to have fewer animal-based scenes so close together.

I'm guessing the second chapter has gone back in time to show how it all started, but the transition from John preparing to shoot himself into the flashback got a bit lost for me. You do mention "leading up to that day..." But it isn't clear that you're going back to the start of the story, it feels more like a comment on the weather. Or possibly he just decided not to kill himself and this is a continuation.

Chapter 3 is well written. The mother and child interaction is very well handled, and the whole family feels real and interesting. I would say the first part of this chapter is the best part of the book so far. You then go into John's back story and how his brothers died. Although this is interesting and I'm sure relevant, the way you go into it felt jarring. I think you need to find a smoother way to transition into that section.

As an opening to this story I think you captures the sense of time and place very well, and you establish various potential storylines in an engaging manner. The pace is a little slow at times, although that may just be a matter of taste, and some of the asides come out of nowhere and could do with being more smoothly integrated into the narrative, in my opinion.

well, they say start with the action and you can't really do any better than your first line. the last line in that paragraph is something is stumbled over- too many qualifiers and prepositions. the rest of your writing flows so smoothly that this shouldn't be too hard a fix for you.
great vivid details. i love the note and the significance of the ink dots, the unfinished thought. loved the line about insult and inheritance.
for brutally honest, i''ll have to try harder...
lunches that didn't require the stove PERIOD
though very well written, the story slows for me around the cicadas- the detour into narrative describing the weather and the town gets too far away from the mystery of the opening scene. if you're going to backtrack,try being more specific. give me a character to follow, a bit of dialogue, more action that seems relevant to the story, not so vague.
by the end of the chapter, you've gotten my attention again, but you were losing it. i am more willing to follow a writer's tangent later in a story once i'm confident that the writer is going somewhere.

CICADA

for the BH Group

COVER: Really nice work there...I can almost hear them chirping away in the background...well...if there was a tree there I could also almost see them. I suppose if I were designing it, I'd have moved the "a novel" up a bit closer to the title...further into the black and have placed the author name at the top right or bottom right. and reduced the gap between the first and last name...but that's just me being silly and really this is great for Authonomy.
TITLE: I like it. Especially if the story has a summer night...slightly threatening...quality to it...because that's what they make me think of.
SHORT PITCH: I'd say good...might want to give some allusion to what the tempest is about?
LONG PITCH: V good.
TEXT: not a big deal but I think Arial is a better font choice for online reading...is why most websites use it as a default. I think the writing in this opening chapter to be quite compelling. Some really wonderful imagery. I love seeing the mockingbirds and the crows...the dogs sweltering...etc... but...you give me a tiny glimpse of the main characters struggle and then spend the rest of it in description of the town/heat/cicadas/etc and you lose me a little. The lush writing keeps me interested but I by the end I was wishing there was alittle something beyond the corpse...hm... I don't know...part of me would like not having the description of the cicada delivered right up front in this manner...its a little heavy handed to me...somehow if it were just that they buzzed at the mc during a a poignant moment it might be more meaningful or some child asking about them or...
You know...I'm starting to wonder if its not Authonomy and reading online that pushes ones brain into "come on already get to the meat of the story" feeling...when really, especially with a LitFic focus...its probably a ridiculous way to read/think. I've gotten it as well...and I usually go for books that are less of the thriller/YA/chicklit/"get to the story quick" type tales. I just finished a book called Drop City and I need to go read the opening to see what he did...because it pulled me in and I stayed...but then I already liked the back of the book blurb and a friend had recommended...hm. Well, if I'm sticking to the BH mentality...I was thinking, I wish the story was more center stage, rather than the fleshing of the neighborhood...
Trying to think of something to crit or say about the third...I can only offer that I really like Timmy...and the Walter/John tale was very well done. I like the thought of a character who has that kind of weight on his shoulders.
Best of luck with this, Eric!
-=Bradley

I love this - you immediately allow me to sink into the atmosphere of that slow, hot summer, and then wake me up with that final sentence of Ch 1. Classy, sophisticated writing from an author with exceptional teaent. I'll read on, but I'm backing this today while my TSR is high before it plunges again at the start of the New Year.

I was going to write a 'Brutally Honest' review of the story, but really, there's nothing I don't like or that I feel I have the range of ability to criticise, being an unpublished writer myself. So, Starre and Shelved - and for a good while, too. Cheers! -Liz (Meggie Blackthorn)

although i tend to shy away from anything that is dark or tragic, i was drawn into this work. the writing is compellingly honest and authentic and the words flow effortlessly to paint a picture that is tangibly real and present. i've given it 5 stars; i wish you all the success .

This is your "Brutally-Honest" review. I admit to having some trouble with this, having read the first three chapters without taking notes because the story is so engaging and the writing is so smooth. So think of me as a policeman instructed to observe zero-tolerance for the breaking of any law on the books. Such a constable would have half the town in jail by sundown, even if the town had otherwise been an enjoyable and entertaining place to visit. And this policeman isn't even likely to catch every misdemeanor; rather, he will focus on those failings he's more likely to commit himself.

Plot – I haven't finished the book yet, so I don't know where it's going, but I'm enjoying the ride. At this point in the story there has just been a major epiphany about the opening, just the sort of thing that tells the reader: This is going deeper. There's more to understand about these characters.

Pacing – The pacing is very good. I'm engaged and informed at the right points.

Characters/Characterization – The characters are well delineated. In the kitchen scene, for example, with the mother, father and boy, the voices were strong and the personalities well out front.

Point of View/Voice -- This is an omniscient narrator, at least I think so, that occasionally presents a character's POV but without confusion. The shifting is fluid.

Style – I personally liked the style of writing. There's the occasional poetic flourish but it doesn't get all fancy and put on airs or nothin'. It's not all hayseedy either.

Sentence level – There is some repetitive usage, as when a sentence ending with a "from" clause followed by a sentence beginning with one, but not a lot. There are times when the words are too abstract or simplistic. Some examples:

-- He was sure he needed at least a dollar even. He calculated on his fingers to confirm that it would take at least another week and a half of saving his milk money for the total to reach that goal. That was a thought his mounting impatience couldn’t bear.

"calculated on his fingers" How does he do that? Does his head bob at the counting? Does he barely whisper the numbers yet need to catch his breath at intervals? I just think "calculated" doesn't say much.

-- The tractor out in the fields was far off and its toil conjoined with the rumblings of heat lightning rolling in from the horizon.
"toil" is too general and not in the same domain as "rumblings". The "sound of its toil", or any one of the myriad ways of saying that, is more likely to conjoin with rumblings.

-- With the presence of the approaching thunderstorm pressing in more and more, the mysterious cicadas went silent.

There is no sense of the "presence ... pressing in" with abstract words like "more and more". I think this could be two sentences, or one really beautifully long and complex one. The first could describe the approaching thunderstorm while the second could show the reaction of the cicadas. Just "went silent" is too ordinary and abstract I think.

If there is any weakness in this writing, it's that the sense of place and time could be a little stronger, and that is achieved when descriptive passages avoid abstraction or generalities.

Dialogue -- The dialogue is an effortless read. Like the narration, a good balance between evoking a sense of place and avoiding caricature. It's interweaved seamlessly with the surrounding text and doesn't stumble at assuring the reader who is speaking, either by reference or the personality of the voice.

Originality – The setting is familiar but the plotting is interesting and unpredictable. The most pointed thing I can say about originality is that you went and used symbol that is almost sacred in post-1960s American literature and you went and used it without apology or sentimentality. I now think of mockingbirds differently than I had before.

Publishability – I'm no expert but I think this is a very marketable book. Even my nitpicks had to be searched out.

Very good characterisation. The reader immediately gets an insight into John's thoughts and state of mind. The note adds mystery. The end of ch 1 is a great hook. What reader could not turn the page?

My only crit would be that it's slightly over written EG - 'ever so gently'.

Putting this on my shelf now.

Joanna

Hi Eric,
Am putting this on my WL now. It sounds just the sort of book I'd buy if I saw it in a book shop.

Best wishes, Joanna

I've completed the first chapter and found it to be an interesting story. Your setting is very well defined. Good use of language to describe the main character. I'm backing you with sincere wishes for your success on this site. Thanks for sharing your story. Sincerely. Marie -'Sun Shine and Rain'

This novel is carrying a message that fights in the name of clan is futile. Fear is an emotion that always ruling women. Needless fear heads them to needless assessments. Perhaps it may come true or not. However you are trying to examine that minds. At the same time you are giving accounts of Ku Klux Klan and its real nature.

Joy J. Kaimaparamban
The Wildfire

I'm backing this based on the first chapter alone. Such a gripping start -- I was mesmerized by the taut and disturbing yet beautiful narration and imagery. Clearly the work of one who knows what to do with words.

Looking forward to digging deeper.

Best,

-G