Trapped

This is unbelievably good. A prodigy in the making.
Backed (Hope the Backing is returned.)
Abel Kane
The Alchemists' Cookbook
Chances
Something Elven

First person is an excellent choice for this, and what a premise. I love it, because you've made it so much more than fantasy. I was sucked right in, and I do love a good young adult fantasy!

Truly excellent work, here and I've backed it with pleasure.
Abi xxx

You have the ability to convey a story, have a great imagination, but not surprisingly, you don't come across as a mature writer. In other words, to me your story seems simplistic. Give you twenty years, and you'll write a good story, another 20, complete with life experience, and you might be an accomplished author.
There are several words misused, but I'll put those in a separate message.
Good luck with your writing, Marj.

So, basically you're saying it'll take me 40 years to become an author? Great.

Hi Jessica, You caught me wondering what Rose did to die even if the synopsis tells a little of it. Your scenes are strong, almost having a latched feeling, and yet the sense of unreality is there. I wondered what her real life would be like. The floating and the direct conversations increase the idea that Rose is dealing with a higher command. A fascinating idea that makes one think! Easily shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Thanks. I was thinking of discontinuing this story, but I'm sort of watching comments on it.

Hi Jessica, You caught me wondering what Rose did to die even if the synopsis tells a little of it. Your scenes are strong, almost having a latched feeling, and yet the sense of unreality is there. I wondered what her real life would be like. The floating and the direct conversations increase the idea that Rose is dealing with a higher command. A fascinating idea that makes one think! Easily shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

You have the ability to convey a story, have a great imagination, but not surprisingly, you don't come across as a mature writer. In other words, to me your story seems simplistic. Give you twenty years, and you'll write a good story, another 20, complete with life experience, and you might be an accomplished author.
There are several words misused, but I'll put those in a separate message.
Good luck with your writing, Marj.

Very powerful and atmospheric opening. Really good start! See message too. Backed.

Intruguing, on my watchlist, please read the sould of charlie marconi - half a page will be enough to know

I liked it, well written, interesting. I'd buy it. good job

Thanks! I hope it gets published...

I liked it, well written, interesting. I'd buy it. good job

this book is written so well, so carefull, so full og skill. you write honestly and make great use of the first person narrative; watchlist for now...
su dan...read SEASONS...

Thank you.

this book is written so well, so carefull, so full og skill. you write honestly and make great use of the first person narrative; watchlist for now...
su dan...read SEASONS...

Hi Jessica,
If you live in the US, you'd probably be obsessed with the tv show Lost. It ended recently with a 2 1/2 hour finale. It was six years of love, death, pain, heavy choices, and fallen angels! It was so compelling (just like your book!)
Take care,
Elizabeth Wolfe (Memories of Glory)

Actually, I do live in the US. I just usually watch cartoons and sometimes the History Channel. (Cartoons are the only things that can keep my attention.)

Hi Jessica,
If you live in the US, you'd probably be obsessed with the tv show Lost. It ended recently with a 2 1/2 hour finale. It was six years of love, death, pain, heavy choices, and fallen angels! It was so compelling (just like your book!)
Take care,
Elizabeth Wolfe (Memories of Glory)

This is an excellent pitch - sounds like the ending to Lost! These are universal themes that are quite compelling. BACKED -Elizabeth Wolfe (Memories of Glory)

Lost? I've never heard of it. But thanks.

This is an excellent pitch - sounds like the ending to Lost! These are universal themes that are quite compelling. BACKED -Elizabeth Wolfe (Memories of Glory)

Jessica you are THIRTEEN, crikey what talent. Oh my go for it girl you have a talent and dont let it slide. BRAVO and SHELVED BACKED ....one so young please read some of my work or ALL of it and let me know what you think. If you so desire please shelf and back my work

Thank you so much. This my first work that I have ever done so much with. I am glad that so many people like it.

Jessica you are THIRTEEN, crikey what talent. Oh my go for it girl you have a talent and dont let it slide. BRAVO and SHELVED BACKED ....one so young please read some of my work or ALL of it and let me know what you think. If you so desire please shelf and back my work

Gripping, suspenseful and well written.
Unputdownable.

Damned good!

Bacled

Awesome! More positive comments! I hope this goes somewhere...

Gripping, suspenseful and well written.
Unputdownable.

Damned good!

Bacled

For a youngster you have a very vivid imagination and write very well. Do be aware though that there is an 18+ age limit on this site and check very carefully the rating on any books you might read. InkPop is the site for younger writers that Harper Collins runs, you may like to take a look at that.

I always look at the classification before reading, but I hardly read anything here. It's mostly for my book. But thanks.

For a youngster you have a very vivid imagination and write very well. Do be aware though that there is an 18+ age limit on this site and check very carefully the rating on any books you might read. InkPop is the site for younger writers that Harper Collins runs, you may like to take a look at that.

Trapped
Jessica Ogburn

Jessica,
You are a very talented thirteen year old. Nice idea for a story, Heather being struck by lightening and returning to earth as a fallen angel. Great imagination for someone so young. This reads nicely and your YA audience will have a lot to identify with. This has so much potential and you write like a natural. Best of luck with it.

Thank you. I've always loved writing, so I decided to do something with my hobby.

Trapped
Jessica Ogburn

Jessica,
You are a very talented thirteen year old. Nice idea for a story, Heather being struck by lightening and returning to earth as a fallen angel. Great imagination for someone so young. This reads nicely and your YA audience will have a lot to identify with. "I never thought that leaving home would be so easy; nor dying so painless." Your first line is an attention-grabber. Still can't believe you are thirteen! This has so much potential and you write like a natural. Keep it up and best of luck with it.

OMG! I was welling up from the very first line. This is a brilliant story that has been wonderfully written, you are a very fine story teller and one that will be admired by many I'm sure.
Thirteen!! I can't believe you are only thirteen. If that is the case you have a spendid future ahead of you and a mighty fine product to begin your epic journey with.

Very happily shelved
Melxxx
Impeding Justice

The idea of experiencing the moment of death, the passage to the next life and then a novel twist to arrive at an awareness of something very different to the conventional ideas of God, is very subtly executed and then opens up a whole new perspective on life; 'looking down' on those who remain among the living.
It's intriguing to wonder how, if we could retain awareness of family who remain amongst the living, we might still have regrets, deeds not done that we feel we should have done before our lives are cut short by accident, age or disease. Might we know when the survivors are occasionally thinking of us, the dead?
This is so inventive and conveyed in crystal clear prose and a conversational first person narrative that makes Heather likeable as we root for her.

Backed.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

Thanks! I'm glad it intrigued new thoughts. That's what I was aiming for.

Jessica:
Congratulations on Trapped! It's a beautiful start to a very promising story. That you are only 13 years old hints that, as your talent develops, all of us more mature (translation...decrepit) authors better look out! I wish you the best with this and would love for you to sample REVELATION for my take on fallen angels.

Case (Revelation)

TRAPPED
This is an interesting idea for a story: a girl comes back to earth as an angel. She’s a good character but I didn’t understand why she was so rude to the cheerleaders; did she have a bad relationship with some of those in her past life? If so, should we know about that? Also, she finds herself in her old house, but doesn’t question where is her family. Seemed strange. Aside from those two things that bothered me, you’ve done a good job with this. To say you’re only 13, you have a great vocabulary. I’m adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

I should have mentioned that. She did have some bad experiences with cheerleaders. Many, many bad ones. Actually, she's not in her old house. She's in a completely different state, school, and lives in an old run-down house near the school.

TRAPPED
This is an interesting idea for a story: a girl comes back to earth as an angel. She’s a good character but I didn’t understand why she was so rude to the cheerleaders; did she have a bad relationship with some of those in her past life? If so, should we know about that? Also, she finds herself in her old house, but doesn’t question where is her family. Seemed strange. Aside from those two things that bothered me, you’ve done a good job with this. To say you’re only 13, you have a great vocabulary. I’m adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Welcome aboard, Jessica. I'll be your third comment. This website will improve your writing craft, if you allow it. I'm a bit of a pitch doctor, having read thousands of pitches in my time on this website, so I want to share my insight here with you. You have to think of your pitches as your sales tool to grab the casual reader's eyes. The short pitch is a bit too obtuse. The long pitch works very well. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year and have the most commented book, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Dear Jessica, I love the fantasy of becoming an angel, but I'm not sure I'd want to. Good story line - fascinating. :) Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your recap/pitch,which was very well done. :) Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book: When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved...authonomy. :) Please "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs. :)

Goood luck I know you will do well with this , loved it. E.Loraine Royal Blood Chronicles book one

Awesome! I've always been harshly critical of my work, but even I say this one's promising. Thanks for the feedback.

Goood luck I know you will do well with this , loved it. E.Loraine Royal Blood Chronicles book one

I need a cover. And to finish it.