Starting Over

"I need some air daddy." Comma after 'air.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are more cases of this type of problem. Other than that, this is a dazzling romantic suspense. Fabulous attention to detail. Vivid, believable characters with tense relationships. Compelling dialogue. Intricate plot. Well-imagined storytelling. A well-crafted wonder. Backed.

I agree with Zan. I love the tension and suspense. Who's Rob, by the way? Memory is gone and the fear is when it does come back. Ignorance can be bliss, eh? I love the premise and want to see how it is developed. Backed for now.

Starting Over
Samantha Daniels

Samantha,
I noted this was genre tagged as "romance" and nothing else. You might want to tag it as "fiction" as well (I presume it is? Or am I wrong?) YOur short pitch is intriguing - "She can't remember her past. But that doesn't scare her. What scares her is her memory returning...." I wonder what is so difficult or painful that she is scared of remembering? Your long pitch didn't give a clue of this so the reader is still in suspense and as I began reading, I was committed to finding answers. Being in a coma for three years is tough; waking up in a hospital bed would certainly overwhelm the ordinary person. I like that line, "She might be old but her mind was still sharp." You create a lot of tension and suspense here as the reader tries to work out the relationships between the characters and to understand from Sam's viewpoint what has happened. Hope to come back to read more when I have some more time to spare. Intriguing human interest themes here and I enjoyed reading immensely. Happy to have backed it.

Like this a lot!!
The use of first person has created an immense character with Sam.
Very much like the haunting edgy undercurrent that your style has added to this.
But to me it is the characterisation that makes this that little bit more special then others. – Good luck.

For me - you need something specific, or a clue to sonmething specific in the pitch - otherwise it just looks like a generic ´type´memory loss thriller

I liked this very much, I often find romances are stuffed with cardboard characters, but here I found there was depth and humanity. The plot was well set up, the pace brisk, but not forced. You handled the coma period very well, the interludes were both touching and insightful and moved the story along.
I think Sam was fully awake just a little too quickly, you had paced everything so well up until the, but at this stage I felt a bit rushed and it felt just a little improbably.
Once she was fully awake and began to explore her memory it read very well. I'd want to carry on and find out what happens next.
good luck.

Hi Samantha, This begins with the dinner details and the mother-in-law situation that many could identify with. And you’ve managed to bring in the characters without much confusion as you’ve led up to each of them well. I wondered at the switch from the first person to Sam. You’ll probably have to make that consistent. Although you’ve made it seem manipulated, this leading to an accident increases the interest. Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Good pitch. On watch list, and will read soon, Charlie Marconi alsao has an accident aroundd p.5 - but could you just look at the first half page for me?

Hi Samantha
This was an intriguing read. You've set the story up nicely and posed loads of questions the reader wants answers to. I like your first person narrative style, this really works well. I think you could proably make more of your long pitch to tell us more about what happens later as this will probably attract more readers.
DP Walker
Five Dares

A bone chilling premise that cuts the air like a cold knife and makes us want to read more. C W

Finally getting around to commenting on your book! I like your premise and your characters. You've done a great job with the first person narrative, it works for this story. I felt what she felt. Great job!

Missy
Mark of Eternity

book needs editing.
line 3- she had make and line 1 missing commas so one had to reread it to find out the gist.

other than that, this has ermomous potential

backed before

The first person narration is conversational and makes Sam accessible as a character.
The stress of coping with so many guests is well described and we 'feel' Sam's frustration, the more so because the most important thing to her is the way her marriage is going.
You establish Sam's stress with her husband and yet her husband seems to be almost oblivious to her concerns.
As this links to her loss of memory I wanted to read on to find out whether she can find happiness if she can piece together events of the past that haunt her and spoil her marriage.
There is a gradual but strong build of suspense and this engaged me while you built in-depth characters with whom I could identify.

Backed.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

This is an excellent start to a novel and you have created a wonderful character in Sam. What you have posted so far is well written, well paced and the dialogue is realistic. I like the way you deal with Sam's thoughts and internal emotions. Backed with pleasure.

Cheers,
Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Hi
Not to repeat what everyone else has said about the editing, it does need a once over:spell check is NOT enough.
Okay, my thoughts...
I love the characters, well apart from Rob and Sabrina obviously, and the humour you try to impart. This type of accident needs a little light relief. I believe the first person viewpoint works; it gives an insight into the character, her thoughts and feelings with an immediacy that her long sleep belies.
I am looking forward to finding out what happens next...
Milliex

Very well done. There are some places that need editing, but I'm sure you know that. I'll gladly back this for you. Dave

I thought this was a very interesting and compelling read. I wonder, though if it is a good thing to see from the point of view of so many people. The point of view bounces from one person to the next without warning. That may be fine, I don't know. I was never confused by it, but I wondered if it was an accepted practice. I thought it might have been more effective to hint at what they were feeling by use of dialogue or beats.
Just a thought. Best of luck, though. I liked your premise and characterizations. Jen

Hi Samantha,

I thought your pitch was intriguing. The story is a great read, though it could do with some polishing. Still, I think you’re onto something great here. The characters were engaging and believable, as too was the dialogue.

Good vivid descriptions that made it easy to picture the scenes. Also, I thought the pacing was just right. An enjoyable read.

Shinzy :)

You have a complex plot and interesting theme. I do think your pitch is compelling. Very nice! BACKED -Elizabeth Wolfe (Memories of Glory)

An enjoyable read with twists and turns which kept me rivetted. Your characters are well developed and really life-like with lots of substance. Your dialogue is convincing and slots in seamlessly. The only real nit-pick is that it would benefit from a careful read and edit to iron out minor mistakes and flaws - but otherwise - a superb submission. Paula - (Cuthbert: How Mean is my Valley?)

Hi Samantha,
A very intriguing and promising start. You do need to edit.
BACKED.
Best wishes, Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

Hi, i just read your book, i saw it on the homepage and thought the title alone looked appealing, then i read your introduction and i had to keep reading. I really love this, the book is full of suprises and is an easy read. The story is very realistic and there are no plot holes.
One suggestion, just do a proof read, im sure you will, there are just alot of errors, typos to be more specific.
I am really hoping for a happy ending =)
Best of luck

Samantha Thorpe
Species: War of the Bronze Claw.

This is a great read full of tension from the start. Good characterisation makes this a novel the reader can sink their teeth into.

Yest it needs a little editing, but then whose doesn't, just have a read through and I'm sure you'll spot the glaringly obvious ones.

Do it over the weekend though or some people won't bother reading your book and will miss out on a great read.

Shelved for the obvious potential.
Melxx
Impeding Justice

First person narrative was an excellent choice for this piece, and your narrative is incredibly strong. It gives the reader a real sense of the novel as they begin to immerse themselves in this engaging piece.

Backed with pleasure.
Abi xxx

Welcome aboard, Samantha. This website will improve your writing craft, if you allow it. I'm a bit of a pitch doctor, having read thousands of pitches in my time on this website, so I want to share my insight here with you. You have to think of your pitches as your sales tool to grab the casual reader's eyes. The short pitch should have your MC's name, not she. For the long pitch, you want to expand on the story arch, then break it down into smaller paragraphs so it reads faster. End it with one succinct question to pique your casual reader's interest. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year and have the most commented book, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Samantha,
You have a good story. I like the tension between Sam and her husband--or, at least, Sam's tension. Her husband has no idea she's feeling the way she does :). Build on this, because it's the kind of drama romance readers like to look at.
One thing though. Your book could be better with a little editing. You tend to have run-ons, and you use,"Well..." alot to express your MC's thoughts.
I notice you only have one chapter up. Is your book finished?

Lu-Lu :)

STARTING OVER
This is a good story. Sam is a good character (altho she shouldn’t have agreed to have that many people for dinner; where is her judgment?). Walking down the basement steps and hearing what her husband had to say (no spoilers) made her instantly sympathetic and a character a reader wants to see reach a positive ending. I liked this a lot. I’m adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Backed with confidence! Tom Ryerson (Carnal Wreckage)

Dear Samantha, I love that you shared your story :) - this happened to my girlfriend & she can finally drive some, but still has a lot of problems. May God bless you. :) Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your recap/pitch,which was very well done. :) Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book: When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved...authonomy. :) Please "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs. :)

Starting Over

You have written "can't remember" twice in pitch spelling mistake in second one.
The pitch is important to get people to read.

keep writing,
a zoomer
Going Out in Style