E.T.'s Among Us.

Your writing is fantasically fresh and yet seems of the ages with its exquisite framing.

"All gold is fool's gold" is a prime example. There is a comic shade to your writing and you use time in an intelligent way.

I can tell you that as a very experienced English teacher this would be on the shelves for all my students and I would direct them there repeatedly.

As a father of four, mostly grown up now, it would have taken pride of place on all of their shelves.

The confusion in the dialogue of the first chapter works perfectly and the phrase headings atop each chapter are reminiscent of Frank Herbert's princess Mirulan in Dune.

BACKED to the epic hilt. Good luck and cheers.

This is such a wonderful tale and sincere, though highly entertaining look at human nature, progress and transformation. Indeed, the alchemical gold lies within - and only through a personal journey one is able to understand and then - obtain the treasure. This book is a great metaphor for that!

Superb writer you are, Scott. Love the rhythmical style - precise and elegant.

Backed with real pleasure.

Upon a Sapphire Throne

[return backing ☼☼☼☼☼]

I loved this story, and read through to the end of chapter 13. Zeke is a natural hero for your book, young, handsome, intelligent and brave. And if you want him to fall in love, his naïvety and innocence when it comes to women is a very strong point. As Karen’s story shows. The premise is intriguing, although the story seems more of a legend or fantasy than science fiction to me. One difficulty I have—although not to the detriment of my enjoyment of the story—is the idea that Zeke has travelled to California in a spaceship. Machan seems to resemble Earth in a different time. Witness the cuneiform writing in the books in the fortress, and the familiar Moon in the sky. If Machan is a different planet, its Moon would look different from ours. The craters and Seas we see so clearly would not be the same. So it seems to me that Machan is the Earth from a different time. Zeke of course doesn’t know this, but ought to be bright enough to have worked it out sooner rather than later. After all, why doesn’t his appearance look out of place—unworldly—and how come he is understood? These are practical points. But the basic premise is still sound. I love the mysticism of the shamans and the message written inside the flawed diamond. Not to mention Zeke’s own power to read it. It makes him more of a sorcerer than Karen and the other wizards in the fortress. A great read, and very intriguing. The structure, wandering back and forth between Machan and California, works well. People chasing after him to find the secret of the diamond and the new order imposing itself in both places provides the dramatic focus. Of course, I’m backing this.

UPON A SAPPHIRE THRONE
Scott Kenny

I wanted to mention one more thing that stayed with me when I read the thirteen chapters you posted here. I have not been able to get the beauty of it out of my mind. At the end of Chapter Eleven, there are a few paragraphs that are some of the most exquisite I have ever read.

"Night fell fast in these broken hills and I walked in a world cloaked in black velvet and sparkling with stars. I had spent endless nights out on the moors when the mares were foaling and at times had little else to do but lie back and study the heavens. And I knew that tonight the sky looked different.

"It was puzzling at first but I slowly realised that the stars were disarrayed. The Horsehead looked more like a bull, if it looked like anything. And the Dragon's Tail of the Orobous was simply missing. At least the majestic moon still sailed the lofty skies, a bright yellow caravel, cresting a sea of dark blue clouds.

"The tops of the trees below were a field of silver blue grasses, weaving in the wind. I closed my eyes and listened to their song as thin gusts played through them."

I don't know how you learned to write like that but I find it breathtaking. Now you know why I am entranced with your character, Zeke. His thoughts are mesmerizing.

Please let me know if you post more of this wonderful story.

Mary Enck
A King in Time

Dear Scott,

I can't reember if you asked me to read this or I just fell in love with your cover and title. But which ever it is, I'm so glad your book was on my wl.

I read through all eight chapters and am hungering for more! I really liked the switching of settings to tell your story; the reader doesn't dare get complacent, thinking he/she knows what's coming next. As an old fan of scifi and fantasy, I felt this is an excellent take on the usual young person running from evil without knowing why.

The character-building you do within each setting rings true and Zeke stays a whole person through it all.

I especially like your use of language to show that the two ostensible cowboys were anything but cowboys. "We have waited long" does not sound like a cowpoke just off the Oregon Trail.

Alexander and his animals heightened my interest in the story immensely. Any time you can add magical animals, one of which is a blind horse and the other a wolf, you've got me sold. Alexander was the icing on the cake. Hmmm . . . An intriguing stranger with magical animals. This is fun!

Not one to miss a chance to compare the Indian tribe's treatment with Zeke' people's treatment, you might have been a trifle heavy-handed here. Less is more, often. Let the reader make the parallel.

"The purple pimple pulsed" cracked me up!

When you mention The Smugglers Arms, did you mean to say The Parrots Arms? If not, you need some reference to the bar, maybe the building being different.

What a great place to stop! I want to meet the magician!

This is a great story with lots of action, wildly different settings and well-drawn characters. I loved it and I am backing it with gusto!!

Ancient Reader

I really enjoyed this. The setting is good and your characters are well constructed. I only read three chapters, but I know rhe young people will eat this up. I'm giving you four stars. Let us know when iot is published. I will spread the word.

Very different idea for a book. I wasn't sure if this was a spin off the movie R.T.m but this seems much different.
You write very well.
I am sure many people will be drawn to this book. It has a lot of creativity to it.
Nice work!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

Hi Scott,
I read the first four chapters, and I think you have a very interesting and unique idea here, with the extra-terrestrials and the alternate history of Earth. The way you set up the history you've created by showing several scenes rather than relying on exposition is very clever. I especially love the explanation you give for the story of Adam and Eve, and the fact that you're not afraid to explore the possibilities of extra-terrestrials in a historical fiction setting.

There is a humorous lilt with which you write Jake's scenes, and I think that gives your narrative a lot of personality. He is easy to relate to, a familiar character that seems like he could be your friend in real life, which is a great central character to have. Young people especially, I think, will appreciate the fact that he is down-to-earth and, well, normal (as opposed to a high-flying hero).

There are a couple of places in which your writing could be cleaned up. I noticed that the beginnings of chapters three and four use the present tense in some instances, whereas the rest of the story is written in past tense. Also, I don't think you need all the "he said"s in the dialogue - it's pretty easy to tell who's saying what, and so having phrases like "Alexander asked" stuck in there end up slowing down the story.

Other than that, I think you have a fantastic premise here, and you do a good job of building up suspense and making the reader wonder what will happen next. The opening with the extra-terrestrials and the early humans on Earth was especially strong, I think, because of all the possibilities it sets up for the rest of the story. Great job, and highly starred!

Cheers,
M.
Astral Sea: The Pandora Project

Hi Scott,
I read the first four chapters, and I think you have a very interesting and unique idea here, with the extra-terrestrials and the alternate history of Earth. The way you set up the history you've created by showing several scenes rather than relying on exposition is very clever. I especially love the explanation you give for the story of Adam and Eve, and the fact that you're not afraid to explore the possibilities of extra-terrestrials in a historical fiction setting.

There is a humorous lilt with which you write Jake's scenes, and I think that gives your narrative a lot of personality. He is easy to relate to, a familiar character that seems like he could be your friend in real life, which is a great central character to have. Young people especially, I think, will appreciate the fact that he is down-to-earth and, well, normal (as opposed to a high-flying hero).

There are a couple of places in which your writing could be cleaned up. I noticed that the beginnings of chapters three and four use the present tense in some instances, whereas the rest of the story is written in past tense. Also, I don't think you need all the "he said"s in the dialogue - it's pretty easy to tell who's saying what, and so having phrases like "Alexander asked" stuck in there end up slowing down the story.

Other than that, I think you have a fantastic premise here, and you do a good job of building up suspense and making the reader wonder what will happen next. The opening with the extra-terrestrials and the early humans on Earth was especially strong, I think, because of all the possibilities it sets up for the rest of the story. Great job, and highly starred!

Cheers,
M.
Astral Sea: The Pandora Project

Hi Scott,
I read the first four chapters, and I think you have a very interesting and unique idea here, with the extra-terrestrials and the alternate history of Earth. The way you set up the history you've created by showing several scenes rather than relying on exposition is very clever. I especially love the explanation you give for the story of Adam and Eve, and the fact that you're not afraid to explore the possibilities of extra-terrestrials in a historical fiction setting.

There is a humorous lilt with which you write Jake's scenes, and I think that gives your narrative a lot of personality. He is easy to relate to, a familiar character that seems like he could be your friend in real life, which is a great central character to have. Young people especially, I think, will appreciate the fact that he is down-to-earth and, well, normal (as opposed to a high-flying hero).

There are a couple of places in which your writing could be cleaned up. I noticed that the beginnings of chapters three and four use the present tense in some instances, whereas the rest of the story is written in past tense. Also, I don't think you need all the "he said"s in the dialogue - it's pretty easy to tell who's saying what, and so having phrases like "Alexander asked" stuck in there end up slowing down the story.

Other than that, I think you have a fantastic premise here, and you do a good job of building up suspense and making the reader wonder what will happen next. The opening with the extra-terrestrials and the early humans on Earth was especially strong, I think, because of all the possibilities it sets up for the rest of the story. Great job, and highly starred!

Cheers,
M.
Astral Sea: The Pandora Project

Might interest youngsters.
good a scenes and humour.

I've read chapter 3 and4 - very different feel to the opening chapters, but equally enjoyable (if anything you should play up the wild west in chapter3 even more - I can see comedy value in brawls etc). I do miss Quark however. Not entirely sure what is going on, but will read further. Juliet

Reminds me of Iain M Banks. Intelligent sci fi. Will be reading on and definitely shelving if it remains as good as the first chapter. I love Quark already. Juliet

hi, liked the first three chapters i read, it's a good yarn, for years i have heard stories about the earth being settled by transplants so to speak, here is a story that takes advantage of that, i think it wise to start with an overview of how races of beings came to be here, i am not so sold on the gold idea but it does fit into the old west and dovetails i think with what is to come, i think there is a bit of unbelievablitity here, but in a comedic way, and i think comedy affords one to be a bit more outrageous, and i think even one who knows the whole thing is a bit of a "story" will be willing to go along to follow some interesting speculation and see where it leads

Read some of your book and like what I have seen so far.

Okay, Scott, I read through to the end again, so I'll be ready for 20 and 21 when you put them up. Seems like you cut out quite a bit, but as you said, nothing really essential. I think your new prologue helps, because this time I had a context for Jake's special perceptions.
I wonder though, if your 810 and 5 pun and the playfulness of the rest of your prologue doesn't conflict too much with the relative seriousness of the main story. Of course there is the peashooter incident and other places where you take a playful turn, but a lot of your writing is too, well, poetic to be taken lightly. I enjoy both aspects, so maybe that means it's okay. But you could be setting new readers up with the wrong expectations.

Two chapters before you get to the meat of your story may be a little much for most readers. Even though I like those first chapters I think you could easily condense them into one prologue without the reader missing anything that is vital to your tale. Good start, I will watch this one for a bit. :~)

You are a wonderful storyteller and your writing is smooth with clarity of expressions. The story is enslaving as well as controlling. A fabulous work with high stars.

ALIENS AMONG US
Scott Kenny

This is a grand adventure. I really enjoy the concept of a new race beginning when left behind by their overseers. They were fortunate to be abandoned to go their own way and create a new life for their generations to come. That is quite an idyllic path for this story to embark upon.

I am probably alone in this impression, but since I live in America where we have so many aliens from countries to our south, the word "alien" conjures up images of those who come to live among us in the US. It is not always a legal infiltration and has tremendous impact on our resources. When speaking of those who come from outer space or other planets, I prefer "extraterrestrial". It's just a personal preference of mine but perhaps you might consider it for what it is worth.

Your writing is easy to read and progresses with bits of intrigue that propelled me on. I expect to finish all the chapters you have posted. This is really the kind of story I enjoy. The entertainment value is high.

Thank you again for backing my book, A King in Time.

Mary Enck

Hi Scott,

I must say - an intriguing beginning! Nice and original, it held my interest and I’ll definitely be reading more soon. You have a good way of drawing the reader in with your writing, which is fresh and different.

I have a few stylistic notes and ideas for you, feel free take or leave anything, hope I’m useful :) There are also some comments on what you’ve done well, it’s sort of like a running commentary of the first chapter!

I would begin by making the first sentence a little smoother, by changing the word order and removing some commas - just so it grabs the reader’s attention easier. So something like ‘Abrax the Friendless, Despot in Charge, picked up the diamond scroll to the wretched howling of the Committee.’ I would also remove the second comma in the second sentence, so it just reads ‘and all that the minors wanted was to be free.’ Just to make it a bit more active!

I like the structuring, and the use of short sharp sentences - especially ‘The proposal went through on the nod and Earth’s troubles began.’ I like how it is to the point, and you don’t subdue the effect of those words with lengthy descriptions and imagery.

In the first long dialogue part beginning with Draconian Starship… 179,997 BP, I would work on making it flow a bit more naturally at times, and maybe not cram in too much information.

Having said that, I love the ‘test’ bit - it is a very clever way of introducing the reader to your story and give some good background. The approach is refreshing, and it works well. The use of the captain’s blog is good too.

I like how you have made the setting in Southern Africa, and the concept of Earth as Eden… I wonder if you make some subtle comments about slavery and exploitation in our world, beneath the surface…

I’m really looking forward to reading more. I think you establish a good scene, and I can see plenty of potential for this piece. I am intrigued by the title and the pitch, and definitely want to find out where this is leading! I can also imagine this opening chapter as the opening of a movie. Well done!

All the best, hope you will be able to take a look at my work - The Awakening: Dawn of Destruction.
Cara

Hey Scott,
I was really impressed by your MS. I dont read much sci-fi but this was really good. Reminded me slightly of Philip K. Dick's work although in your own style which was dark yet with a touch of comedy which I liked.
The first two paragraphs or so form a prologue which helped catch my attention and draw me into your world. I admire that you simply get on with the story without little description and let the backstory filter through gradually.
One line which really highlighted your comic writing for me was the almost punchline like, "...they must be the twigs."
I only read the first chapter since I am trying to read as much as possible on this site but I will gladly read more when I get more time. I am confident enough by the sample I have read to place this on my bookshelf.

as a creationist, this story is far from my own beliefs, but i find it well done and well thought out and built.

Love how they have committes and agendas - you'd think they'd have done away with them! It made me laugh and it was an excellent read (so far, more to go.)
Cariad.

Scott, I just read your new first 2 chapters. 810 and 5. Clever. Your tongue is still in your cheek. Jim

Read the first chapter and found it very entertaining; watchlisted and will definitely be coming back when I have time to have a longer look. The pace ensured that there wasn't a sentence where I felt bored, which is a very rare thing in any book, particularly at the start. There isn't anything much negative to be said; John's reaction was surprisingly unsurprised, but then I have read books that took that approach.

On a side note, it's strange that the book's ranking is falling - it's on 14 shelves, and I've seen books with way fewer backings which were a fair bit higher in the rankings. The more I see of these rankings, the more they mystify me.

Looking forward to reading more.

Enjoyed the premise of your story. I think aliens "controlling and enslaving" is an intriguing concept. Similar to my story, but yours combines genres. Good work!

Intriguing story but in all honesty I'm finding it difficult to read. My impatience doesn't allow me the luxury of taking in lots of detail, I want the plot to develop more quickly. Evenso, I acknowledge accomplished writing when I see it and would expect this to do well in it's genre.

I love that there is a story about the Pleiades race! I'm rooting for this one and hoping it makes it to the ED. Fresh, crisp writing. Interesting characters and an innovative story line. What more could someone want? 5 stars and good luck to you!

Ashley
'Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket'

Great start and an interesting and amusing, albeit somewhat confusing, first chapter. For a long time I couldn’t decide whether Bill and Kahkool were humans or also aliens from Alcyone. And I’m still not sure why English-speaking humans are present on both planets (but maybe that’s explained later). For me, the story started to get interesting (and easier to follow) around the end of Ch.3 and then got better and better. I really liked Ch.5 and 6 where the story seems to really hit its stride. I also loved the quotes at the start of each chapter. The writing is liberally sprinkled with nice descriptions and turns of phrase which gave me a little smile each time.

I only spotted a couple of typos in the six chapters I read. Ch.1: “bar room” should be “barroom”. Ch.6: “lent down” should be “leant down”.

Anyway, a nice start making for a really enjoyable read. I will back it as soon as I can.

Good story, complex and cleverly written. The opening is quite funny, and you maintain the underlying humour through most of the chapters. I was surprised (pleasantly) as I didn't get that from reading the premise.

I haven't read a first person story for quite a while, took me a few chapters to get my head around that. Also, I got lost at the start and had to read back. The switches between Earth and Alcyone threw me, like I said though, it's a complex story.

You set the scene well, and all eighteen chapters are very atmospheric. Each of the locations Zeke visits are well visualised; the journey in chapter eighteen and the swamp at its climax especially so. You can almost smell the putrid reek of it!

So just a quick overview, I'll read more as soon as you post.

Hi Scott,

I really enjoyed your story, It flows really well, and is very intriguing. Thank you for the excellent editing as well, I would say it's one of the better edited stories on this site, and in my opinion ready for publication. I would not hesitate to purchase this if I saw it in a book store, and hopefully one day it will be on store shelves!

I am gladly backing this one. Take care,

Art

I really enjoyed 'Aliens Among Us'. I usually avoid books written in first person, but it works here. Backed and rated.
-- David (Shipwreck on ShadowWorld, Climb the Mountain)

Don't like Science Fiction, and I'm certainly not a Young Adult, but I immensely enjoyed Aliens Among Us -- particularly the thief who didn't like being looked at.

This is good stuff. Refreshing, fun and interwoven with some beautiful writing.

Scott,
Aliens Among Us is an accessible work of science fiction. I like how it has an historical aspect to it when Zeke comes to California during the Gold Rush. It's a refreshing change from much science fiction which takes place in the distant future. I was amused that someone from another planet had come to California, a place which often seems like another planet to people who move there from other parts of the United States.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Chapter 1

This is quite good. I can’t say I have anything to correct. Your prose flows well and you control the language with expertise. Your narrative voice is entertaining and you waste no time sticking us right into an interesting situation. There is a bit of confusion when the narrator comes out of the tunnel, and I couldn’t decide whether it was done right or if a clue as to the narrator’s own confusion should have been given sooner. Subjective, I suppose.

I also loved the way you ended the chapter, using the female pronoun – which I was on the point of listing as my first correction – and then hitting us with the twist. Really liked it. Lot of potential here. Also, this is a textbook example of starting the chapter as late in the action as possible, something this style of lightly humorous story needs. There are other readers who would do well to learn from your example.

Chapter 2

There is a quirkiness to this that works well, although at times it might do if the reader felt that the narrator shared his confusion a touch more clearly.

The only real complaint is minor, and that is the rescue of the little girl. Your writing is sparse and fast on purpose, and that works great, but here I felt like I wanted a little more. I was a little uncertain as to what exactly the situation was (was the horse riderless… and why? Does Zeke not wonder at this? Did I misread?).

I detect some libertarian undertones here which I quite like. Once again there is a unique spin to things to end the chapter. All very good.

Chapter 3

I like the characterization going on here. There are thoughtful moments that flesh out character, such as when the narrator reflects on the use of lights by city folk, when country folk know the monsters are to be found in the city. The only minor thing I can find here is the metaphor about the moon rising like the sun at night, which I thought was unnecessary, not really revealing but not really damaging either.

You’re mission critical… is this a mistake or a deliberately odd phrasing?

Well, three chapters in and you have a deeply engaging story going. I would say this is ready for publication now based on the early parts. I would love to see it in a local bookstore. Well done… not much I can do to help I think.

Interesting and unusual, mixing futuristc ideas with the gold rush. Like it. I suppose the only qualm I had was his use of earth sounding names - Maximus for instance, and not saying 'what you call the Pleiades' but as if he called them that, too. I've grasped that there are similarities, and that you can't have him not knowing what things are, such as the sound of nails and hammers, or what things on earth are called. Apart from that niggle, I really enjoyed as far as I read, especially the characters and how you describe them, and the mix of technology and goldrush society. Like the MC and the description of his home and how he got there was great.

One typo I noticed - it should be 'I readied myself to dart back into the tunnel....' rather than 'readed'

Love the beginning btw - a great start that really made me want to go on reading. '...came in spades. With spades....' and the way he describes where he came from, as if even aliens wanted to head there. Really works well to set the tone of the whole thing. Watchlisted for now - I have a queue.
Cariad.

Hi Scott

I read the first two chapters; it's very good. The writing is perfect and the pace moves the story along just right. The only thing is how easily Zeke takes everything that's happening - he finds himself abruptly in a completely different place and just gets on a horse and rides happily off; he's told people are searching for him, and he doesn't seem that interested in knowing why; a wolf comes running up to them, and he lies down to watch the clouds, completely ignoring the potential danger at his feet.

The only thing I shook my head at really was that his people had never named their planet, even a local name. Earth has been called Earth unofficially since about 1400, so it just seems odd that these people wouldn't have bothered. And if they don't have a name for it then he could not have though "What on Alcyone"

Otherwise this is very well written and I'm interested to read more at some point. I am backing it. I'd appreciate it if you'd give mine a read too :)

Very intriguing. I feel for Miwok. You have a magic touch.
I'd be interested to know if it was intentional to use the cliche, "somewhere in the distance a dog barked" to provide a sense of melodrama?
Seems to fit in tone with the similar sense of melodrama I get from, 'the high noon sun blazed a trail'

Great first three chapters. I'm very much hooked. Style is lively and clean with no excess of adjectives to bog it down. I'm enjoying this.

Great first chapter. Great ending too - that caught me by surprise. I am intrigued as to why he is able to understand English if he really has come form Alcyone but will read on now to find out.
Unusual to mix the 'wild west' with distant planets too.
One little typo is noticed is the word order in the sentence, "Now I've the told world I'm here" I'll post this and then read on.
Loved the phrase, "divots of broken earth whirling in the air like panicking bats." Painted such a clear picture

Excellent beginning!!!

I remember backing this under it's previous title but as the rules have changed I'm happy to back it again.
It's a great read. I think the pitch has changed because I would have been put off by the phrase 'the star system The Pleiades'. As a SclFi nut, like me, I'm sure you know, when you think about it, that the Pleiades is not a star system - a sun (or binary) with planets - but an open cluster. So if you said a star system in the Pleiades, it would work. (The Pleiades is an interesting place, over 500 stars and travelling at present through a cloud of cosmic dust. Look it up.)
There is one more thing that worries me. A comment made over a year ago talks of the 13 chapters posted. What? You've only written 5 chapters in a year! I know it's not a race but at that pace you loose the magic of the thing writing itself, when your sub-concious takes over and suddenly takes you in an unexpected direction. That's when it's the greatest ride of your life and you just hang on hope you can cope.

I absolutely adore Zeke's narration. You had a great hook that had me grinning right away and my smile only widened the more I read. The dialogue is wonderfully colorful and the characters equally so! This almost has a Huckleberry Finn feel, meets future space. "Later a wide brimmed hat swooped like an eagle and settled on his butt"<-- It's gems like that that made this truly magical. Great descriptions. I'm very impressed and still smiling.

Backed!

I like the action here. Neil is a great lead character. He has charisma and a fun attitude. The plot is creative - a sort of alternative history and fantasy. You make great use of dialog, especially between Neil and Alexander.

Are all the animals on Earth and Heka similar? If not, then he should be astonished to see the Earth animals.

It reminds me of some of SM Stirling's books. Try pitching to his agent.

This is a fun book. I'll back it.

Brian Bandell
Mute

Hello Scott, This is on the whole, a well written story for the genre. There is one thing that bothers me though. If you put yourself into the mind of an alien, albeit handsome, the things that are common in this world, like horses, would not necessarily be known to your alien character. Your first chapter would feel more realistic if he is amazed by the things that are around him. Otherwise this is good and I enjoyed reading it.
I will put it on my watchlist and go back to it. Good luck with this.

Phyllis
PAPER DREAMS & A PASSING STORM

The pitch is very alluring. To me, anything with aliens is fascinating, sci-fi been my favourite genre. You have a good style about your writing and as a comment below states, slightly comedic as well. The pace and story roll along nicely also. This would also be good on screen as well.

Regards
David Whelan
The Silent Saga Book 1: Desolate

"The honeyed lip of the sun..." Reminds me of Homer somehow. You do have a pleasing voice.

Scott,

I backed your interesting book, UPON A SAPPHIRE THRONE. Good luck and happy writing.

Dwain-Thomas

DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS
MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND

Hi Scott

Here are my comments.

General comments : -
1. An interesting story.
2. I like you’re your ability as a wordsmith, and your use of similes.

Some detailed comments : -
Ch 1
1. Who is James Marshall? – need to explain it, as he doesn’t figure in Chapter 1.
2. Suggest bunching some of the sentences into paragraphs.
3. Suggest adding a bit of description of the space ship, and of the characters – it’s difficult to visualise them without much description.
4. The first part of the chapter tends to judder from one point to the next – it does not flow, and tends to be confusing. Suggest filling in some of the bits in between.
5. The pace of physically moving from place to place is too fast. And there’s not enough description of the places.
6. If people were searching for Neil, to harm him, he would definitely ask “who?” and ask a million questions about them. He didn’t, which is strange and unnatural.
7. I feel that, in places, you leave too much to the reader’s imagination – which slows down the reading, as we’ve come out of the story to fill in the gaps with our imagination.
8. Found it difficult to get into the head of the main characters.
9. There were no bears in Machan in 1849, or for several hundred years previous.
Ch 2
1. “My story begins about a month ago” and “Not today” are in the same paragraph. Is this a chronological error? Suggest deleting “Not today”
2. On a galloping horse, I’m not sure it's possible to grasp a mane and try and undo a knot, on a bundle sliding from side to side, with one hand.

Hope this helps.
Best regards
George

Interesting story, awesome dialog. Well written, although I find the story confusing at times. I'm a SF/fantasy reader almost exclusively, but I've never read any YA stories and I prefer straightforward adventure tales, so maybe that's where the disconnect is coming from.

The beginning of Chapter 1 really grabbed my attention, but then it got dull when nothing happened.

Chapter 2 was confusing at first, then I got my bearings, and my interest really went up. Question, though: Near the end of Chapter 2, Neil suddenly starts referring to the stranger as Alexander, but I couldn't find any place where he was told the man's name. Midnight and Flame are wonderfully intriguing, as is Alexander. I hope to see more of them.

Sadly, Chapter 3 lost my attention pretty quickly, but I'll give it a try later and see if I can rekindle my interest.

Hello,
I have read the first bit of chpt 1 (nearly the whole thing) sorry i ran out of time and I want to give this book a another go when I can give it proper read.
But I wanted to let you know my first impression...the book seemed to have good wit and writing. I few commas' misplaced here and there but I'm not good at grammer so I don't pretend to be.
Also, I feel that the book is sort of dull( This may be that I am not the biggest fan of this type of book, so please take everything w a grain of salt) I just felt that it needed to be a bit more exciting...I mean the whole some came from miles and I came by a spaceship is a great attention getter but I was waiting for something to happen...
Maybe when I can read a bit more I will revise this advice.
Thanks,
K N Gee
Phoenix Feathers

I have to start out with a critique. You use a few phrases that I feel may not be accessible to the larger market. Like, "He looked at me the way a gambler looks at his cards." ...I don't know what that look is. Perhaps some more description with the phrase? Okay, now that I've said that before I forgot it: Great story! I like the main voice, I like the research and I like the accurate terminology. I've only read the first chapter and before I read it I skimmed and thought: The hotel california is in Mexico! and the like. But when I read your chapter I can tell you know your stuff. It was a pleasure to read.

Upon a sapphire throne - Thanks for backing Kianda Mala. I was captivated by this and think it deserves a much higher ranking. Good writing, interesting story, would love to read me but haven't got time. Good luck.
Kristen Stone

This is a wild ride through space-time. I like the mix of futuristic space-time travel with the old west (reminds me a little of Back to the Future III). You have a style that draws the reader in quickly and holds him.

One small suggestion: early in chapter one you mention, "my home land of Scotland". You probably want to make "home land" one word "homeland".

I like the story.

Backed.

Steven Lloyd
THE AUDACITY OF HOPE AND CHANGE